so today, a couple of hours before i was supposed to be having dinner with FC i started to feel quite nauseous...and not nauseous i've eaten something bad nauseous, nope, the sort of nauseous i get when i know i'm about to do something i don't really want to....
but of course, only hours earlier having agreed to see him (when he texted to see if dinner was still on) i didn't feel like i could change my mind...
seems i put his needs ahead of mine, in that my concern for how he might feel if i cancel seemed to override how i was feeling, which was that i didn't really see any point whatsoever having dinner with him...
and E was right - he did not even get close to starting the conversation we were supposed to be having - nothing new there - anytime he said we should talk, he never did bring it up and for the first time i decided not to...
so what happened was exactly what i thought - we talked about work, about my car, about our respective holidays but not about what we had planned to talk about - ie how to 'be' now that we are nothing more to each other than work colleagues in my mind, friends in his...
when i questioned him about his 'my auditors' statement the other saturday, he said i'd had a sense of humour bypass - problem is, it's pretty fucking hard to work out when he's being serious and when he's trying to be funny...
soo tonight was ok, sure it's ok hanging out with him, but really, not sure why i put myself thru it...
one thing that really pissed me off though, and i kind of told him was that i'd asked him to grab a lemon and a bottle of white wine, he replies with 'are there shops near you that sell such things?' - you'd think i'd asked him to get something unusual! and so because i couldn't be arsed explaining this to him via text i ended up getting them myself...you'd think an intelligent person such as he is would be able to work it out for himself, but perhaps it just shows where his mind is at? and how much, or little in this case, he could be arsed putting himself out to help me...a so called friend...
so i'm not sure i would go so far as to say i wish i hadn't bothered, but that's kind of how i'm feeling...sure he's a very good stirrer of risotto and he sorted out a storage issue on my new laptop, but really, not sure there's anything beyond that...oh, and i'm starting to really notice just how unattractive i find the smell of cigarettes...
hmmm feeling largely numb and ambivalent, hope that will have gone by morning! guess it's better than being so upset i want to cry...but i'm not!
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