oh dear....

so the last few days haven't exactly been good...

bloody busy at work, although that's a good thing
but sad sad sad, and not consistently and seemingly, not with any trigger at times...but i find myself wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, or feel suddenly overwhelmingly sad...

and i can't work out if it's all about FC (i really don't want to call him FC anymore...), or whether it's because i'm tired and not overly well (the headache saga continues) or whether i am just going through a phase where i am just not happy with my lot in life?

or maybe, and i hesitate to say this, maybe i am experiencing depression....and this isn't the first time i've considered that, and a number of my nearest and dearest have in fact mentioned to me that i just don't seem myself and have i seen the doctor etc etc? and maybe they are right...

but you know, i'm resisting it - of course...and not because i'm ashamed if it is true - on the contrary...i trained to become a therapist so that i could help people and i have always had, especially since my ex ex suffered from depression, a healthy regard and empathy for sufferers of mental illness...but to think i might be going through it, well, i'm not coping that well with it...and that's just me being honest...

but anyway, i really have put up with this for long enough and so monday i am going to the gp and i am going to talk to her about what's been going on....

i have been through relationship break ups before, and way worse ones than this, and i just can't seem to move forward for a solid period of time...not like FC was that special, and don't get me wrong coz i like him such a lot...only highlighted by the amount of time we are spending at work together right now....

anyway, i did something tonight i'm not sure i should have....

so this morning, in the midst of a virtual teary at work (meaning i didn't actually have one but i felt like i should have)...i started to write him an email - unsure why i wanted to tell him i wasn't coping, guess it's because at one point he told me things would have gotten ugly if we'd gone any further down the relationship path but to me, it's pretty ugly right now....

anyway, after a very long day in the office i sent him a text telling him i wasn't coping...OMFG! he is so not the sort of person who would a) really get this or b) that i think i should have told....no doubt in doing so i've given away some of my power to him, but you know what? even though he has, in typical FC fashion dropped out of said conversation (or gone to sleep...) i feel better that i got it off my chest...

and even though i know there are things that wouldn't work, didn't work actually, fact is i like him and i'm done with pretending i don't....i do.  i think he's smart, and i have a new found respect for him since his colleague's been away and he's been doing 2 jobs....he seems more attractive to me right now, and of course that's probably just because i can't have him, or have what i want, and i do like to get what i want...although in relationship, i rarely feel like i do, so i shouldn't really be surprised - disappointed yes, but not surprised...

anyway, not sure i should have been quite so honest and vulnerable tonight...so, as the title says 'oh dear'...

anyway, i'm tired, have a big day ahead and really need a good nights sleep, so au revoir readers and hope to see you back soon

have a great friday y'all

nite xx