some peoples version of

friends is diametrically opposed to mine...

yep, no acknowledgement of Xmas, tons of broken promises and likely the next contact will be about something he wants...one way, always has been, always will be...

I feel strangely ok about it all, and after the bathroom incident of last week, feel determined to put him out of my mind and my life....

2014 is a new year...yay :)

some of my favourite books...

so a colleague from work asked me for a list of some of my favourite books as she is about tohave 3 weeks leave, and following dining at my place earlier this week and admiring my book collection, she figured, of all people, i would have some good recommendations...so last night, after i'd broken out of my bathroom (long story, for another post as it was actually quite frightening) i did a bit of a journey through my 2 book cases and came up with the following list:

The Sea The Sea by Iris Murdoch (she told me she'd never heard of Iris - find that hard to believe somehow!)
Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah
Kafka By the Shore by Haruki Murakami (actually anything by him)
Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster (or again, anything by him!)
The Way I Found Her by Rose Tremain
The Bride Stripped Bare by anonymous
Unless by Carol Shields (just about anything actually by Carol, great writer)
Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson
How the Light Gets In by M J Hyland
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
The Falls or Middle Age by Joyce Carol Oates (most of her books are fabulous)
The Sea by John Banville (ordinarily don't like him but this is beautifully written and won the Man Booker Prize in 2005)
Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey (quintessentially Australian)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera (stunning)
Breath by Tim Winton (don't love all of his books, but this is beautiful)
Tully by Paulina Simons
The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid (loved this)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (if you haven't read it's a must, as is The Great Gatsby!)
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt (excellent read);
Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon

Of course I forgot to add a number of other favourites:
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (truly one of the most moving books I've ever read)
What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt (her and Paul Auster are married - both amazing writers)
Just about anything by Margaret Atwood but in particular, favourites are: Alias Grace, Cats Eye, Robber Bride, Lady Oracle...

Of course one can't really go past Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Paulo Coehlo, and the odd read by Louis de Bernieres also good... Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (don't really like her stuff but this really found me at a time when I needed it most)

Typically the booker prize winner (and various of the short and long listed books) often make a stunning read - winners I've really enjoyed include: The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga 2008 The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai 2006 The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes 2011 The Blind Assasin by Margaret Atwood (2000 - one of her best)

Alice Munro also good and Alice Hoffman good to escape - love her work, always leaves me wanting more: Blue Diary, River King, Here on Earth, Local Girls, Probable Future etc

Ok, well my stroll down memory library must come to an end....

Happy reading :-)

2013: the year in review....

so this year seems to have been characterised by way less blogging than last year! combination of being too busy, nowhere near as emotionally impacted as I was last year and the fact that for a lot of the year, my library has been full of stuff from other rooms which were being renovated! not exactly conducive to being creative...

so, I guess on the whole, it has been, for the most part, a better year than 2012, but FC has still been far too much 'top of mind' and a number of other things have made it a challenging year...that said, as I sit down to write this I find myself much happier and way more content than I was a year ago, so that's good :-)

January: highlight probably my birthday which I celebrated with a High Tea in the QVB with 8 of my close girlfriends (although both Sara and Kirsten were absent)...only other thing of note was that whilst watching cricket, I decided I would in fact fly to England in August to meet up with Dad for a couple of days of Ashes cricket in Durham...

February: undoubtedly one of the most difficult days/periods of my entire career happened this month - on 12 February, someone decided to send a letter of complaint about me to my boss...not a good day and one where I felt I had no-one to turn to other than Nick (in a work context)...he surprised me by being hugely supportive, but that only sparked some hope in me, which of course, was later quickly extinguished by his inconsistent behaviour...

March: made the trip to Melbs with Dad so we could go see Carlton v Richmond with Dan, Sam, Chubbs (who cried because it was too noisy) and Neil (kiss of death)...Tigers won and we all left feeling deflated...things with BD were utterly confusing ahead of his holiday, and I really did start to wonder what message the universe was having me learn re the men in my life!

April: highlight of the month was Dad's 70th birthday party which I hosted in Canberra! was lovely, such a beautiful day with many of his close friends...had lots of fun.  had my hair cut much much shorter (loving it) and realised that FC couldn't be a friend as he didn't make a single comment about the much shorter hair...in other news, the much anticipated en-suite renovations commence...which unfortunately seemed to bring on a very nasty chest infection

May: low light occurred on 12th when I saw FC and Serafina in Balmain...realised that I'd been blind the whole time and when I told him he could have told me he simply said 'nothing's changed, not like she's a girlfriend'...really? so there began a period of non communicating with him, and honestly, once I'd gotten used to the idea, it was actually really nice (peaceful even)...a month of bad illness meant I spent most of May on the couch or in bed...en suite renovations finally finished nearly 8 weeks after they started: final product pretty good but felt like a very arduous process

June: Mum and Dad depart #23 for #45 and a significant downsize...I spent a lot of time in May helping them prepare for the big move and was happy to head down to Cbr to assist shortly after they moved in with furniture placement, picture hanging, general organising and putting together a bookshelf with Dad...seem to have cut ties with FC and am enjoying the space

July: the lead up to my trip and I'm busy busy. given the lack of blogging I'm not sure I can recall what exactly happened in July...

August: finally the day of departure arrives and Felix and Leah pick me up on a beautiful winter's day to drop me at the airport...loved every minute of my Virgin Atlantic business class flight to London...Alison and Andy picked me up and I spent a lovely few days with them...included a fabulous shopping day with Alison  in Marlow.  had a day trip to visit Brian and Brenda and then headed up to Northallerton on the train...had a great few days with Mum and Dad staying with Bob and Pat, met Nick's son Jude, saw Grandma who was a bit worse for wear, and enjoyed 2 days of Ashes cricket at Chester-Le-Street with Dad and Bob (although watching cricket when it's 17 degrees is not my idea of fun!)...then flew to Budapest for a Sarah treat and had 4 days in the Gresham Palace overlooking the Danube...beautiful city, great people, good shopping, was 29 degrees just about every day and I thoroughly enjoyed pottering around and exploring the place...then onto Hong Kong where I met up with Kirst and Pissoir for 5 days of shopping, exploring, eating etc...was a load of fun and between us I think we left HK with 34 pairs of shoes (21 of which were mine!)...had dinner with Dan, always lovely to see him...flew home with Qantas as Virgin plane trouble - would not recommend even though I came bus class on their A380....simply wonderful holiday, loved every minute of it and saw England through different eyes for the first time...

September: rude shock coming back to work, seem to now be talking to Nick again (in fact he texted most days I was away), but then I find out he's having a 40th and I'm not invited :-( yep, he says he thought he was doing the right thing, so again I attempt the 'cut off' and this seems to be going well for a while, but inevitably he finds a way to get back in and I let him! mental note to self: this must eventually stop...Sept 8th Dad, Dan, Rat and I go to the MCG to cheer Carlton on as they seek revenge against the Tigers (we only make it into finals footy coz Essendon cheat and get kicked out so we move from 9th to 8th and find ourselves playing in September)....we are down and out, and then we make a comeback and win by 20! there is much jubilation amongst the Rodgers/Sims clan and we just about lose our voices cheering and have a few celebratory bevvies at the Hilton before I fly home...I can't talk for 3 days...sadly we lose the next week and participate no further into September, but still, didn't even expect to be there...and, we got further than the arch enemy Collingwood!

October: having successfully survived the en suite renovation, it seems I can no longer tolerate the state of the tiles in living area, main bathroom or laundry, so for the 2nd time in a year, I embark on renovations (this time major) and yet again I get sick, although truthfully, the chest infection/lung issues which started in April, haven't in fact gone yet and I seem to have an ongoing rather horrible cough which seems to be immune to any of the many medications I try...I finally get around to bringing my pay situation to boss's attention and what ensues is such a horror conversation I just about resign on the spot! of course I don't, and over the course of the next few weeks I spend a lot of time mulling over what I want to do...Leah helps, Sal is amazing and I come out of this period with a much more healthy approach to work and a changed attitude, which strangely enough seems to result in me enjoying work much more, and ironically still wanting to do a great job...additionally, seems my reaction to conversation with boss has given my an opportunity to really see and learn my 'process' and that is invaluable...so I guess, not all is lost...

November: seems to go by in a blur as my home is yet again a building site (this particular renovation: all floor tiles, laundry room and main bathroom) is a major interruption and the dust is virtually unbearable...quality of work better than en-suite and overall a much better experience but still, I yearn for the sanctuary to be returned to sanctuary status...I introduce Leah to Bell Shakespeare's Hamlet for her birthday which I love but she doesn't (oh well!)....early in the month John and Leah host a Halloween party and in Sarah fashion I'm about the only person who goes in 'non dress up' (I don't do dress up)...despite not really wanting to go it was a really fun night which I enjoyed...

December: and here we are, almost at the end of another year and in 21 days I'll be 45 - which I simply cannot believe! renovations are complete, couple of new pieces of furniture arrive and I look forward to the entire pad being finished as Christmas approaches.  I look forward to a few quiet days in Canberra with Mum and Dad to help them celebrate their first Christmas at The Grange...and I look forward to a quiet NYE with Leah where we will reflect on the year that's been...

so, on reflection it's probably been marginally better than 2012 - certainly it's been a year of huge reflection and learning for me, I've learned a lot about myself, I've found much comfort and solace in my friendship with Leah, my continued friendship with Sara, my beautiful home and in coming to a place of acceptance about where work fits into my life...I've continued to oscillate with my 'relationship' with FC, Mark Broomhead sadly lost his battle with cancer on 11/12/13 which has been very sad for Sam and Neil....beautiful man, will never be forgotten, and truly, the world is a lesser place without him....

so looking ahead, I'm hoping that 2014 will be a healthier year for me, a year where I focus on qualifying as an interior decorator and perhaps finishing that novel, a year where maybe just maybe I'll meet someone really special...where my friendship with Leah will continue to grow, where my family and friends (and me) will be healthy and happy, where I will really get clear on what I want life post current employer to look like, perhaps I'll even get fit...if I'm lucky, March will offer up a bonus and a well deserved pay rise to get me to the median (although as I said to Sal, $25k won't change my life so even if it isn't forthcoming, I suspect I'll be ok with that...if not initially, eventually)...and November will bring a trip to Canada and thanksgiving with my beautiful friends P.A. and Elliot as well as a shopping trip in downtown NYC...

so, lots to be thankful for really, and hopeful that this time next year I'll be posting about how much I've learned, how happy I am, how successful 2014 was, and how much I'm looking forward to 2015....

ciao!

no out of work

contact has to be the answer, to avoid what happened tonight happening again....

he manages to find a way to turn everything around to be about him, or worse, talks about work and the same old stuff...repetition seems high up the list of his skills

it's boring, I find him occasionally boring....

so, it's clear what needs to happen...

all good, :)

bit of a set back tonight...

when FC tells me he's taking compassionate leave for yesterday! when I ask why, he says S's father died - not as if she's his girlfriend (or is she, really?) nor that she is family, so technically it doesn't qualify as compassionate leave....

so he gets his knickers in a knot when I tell him this and tells me not to expect anything from him and nor that any of my requests should get special consideration...

even as I type this and as I go back to reading that email I recall that horrible feeling in the stomach - the one I actually haven't had in ages, the one where I feel like i'm responsible and like I've done something wrong...funny, I felt like that a lot when I was with Ben and with Nick...

for some reason when I read his email saying 'don't expect anything from me' I interpreted that in old Sarah speak.........and hence the move towards! fuck, must not get into this stuff with him again! it's simply not helpful...

and tonight, for the first time in ages, I felt it again, and it's not good...and I found myself moving towards...but why? why do I care?

i'm not sure I can answer that - what I am pleased about is that, I didn't stew on it, I told him he'd misunderstood me, we talked about work for the best part of an hour (not exactly how I wanted to spend any of my Saturday night, and funny my lovely cousin had just asked me if he was still around and how I was...and i'd no sooner finished telling her that we hardly ever talk outside of work and that I could no longer see how I could have a relationship with him, than we get into a stupid email where he reacts badly)....

so why does my stomach feel yuk, why do I have that sinking feeling?

funny, coz a couple of things are running through my head:

a) I haven't missed him of late, not having him in my life makes it simpler, less complicated and certainly happier;
b) he isn't right for me
c) I suspect something more than he will admit is going on with S, and whilst that still hurts me, ultimately it's a good thing, coz if it wasn't he might still be taunting me
d) he leads a life I ultimately wouldn't be ok with, the smoking, the drinking, the shagging someone he won't commit to, I hate the way he talks about his parents, he's estranged from his brother (and I shouldn't judge), most of his friends are younger coz i'm sure he's trying to hang on to his youth...

and sure, I liked him, I liked him a lot, but that was the old Sarah, not the nearly 45 (fuck, yes, in 4 weeks I'll be 45....) Sarah, not the Sarah who stood up in front of 200 people the other day and did a great job, not the Sarah who knows she could really change the world if she put her mind to it, not the Sarah who has a clear goal of what her life is going to look like post current employer...

anyway, i'm tired, been up since before 6am and think what I need is a good night sleep....so reality check miss Sarah

 - he's been shagging her now for over 2 years
 - he's the one with issues, not you
 - he's not right for you even if he were available
 - you'll be ok
 - this is just a blip in the road...

nite x

not sure i'm in the mood to

write, but perhaps it will help me get some of this stuff off my chest....

so firstly, since I worked out my process and found a way to disentangle 'emotional investment' from 'doing a good job', work seems to be just that now...this is good! and ironically enough I feel as though, in some ways, i'm actually doing a better job!

secondly, things still feel a bit weird between Leah and I - unsure what is going on, perhaps it's nothing and we are both just busy, but I sense something isn't quite right...

thirdly, reno's are nearly finished! hopefully this time next week it will be all but done and I will be close to regaining the Sanctuary - it has been tough living through the dust, the interruption and knowing that someone other than me (or close friends/family) has a set of keys! mental note to self: get locks changed once builders go!

fourthly, and really the reason for today's post is how angry I am at FC - yes, I know, it's been 2 months or more since I found out I wasn't invited to his 40th celebrations, and i'm angrier now than I was then...guess it's taken some time to sink in, and to remember all the things he ever said, or as Christina Perri in Jar of Hearts would say 'broken all the promises'...

and you know what? he has...he told me once we would either end up together or he would become the best friend I ever had - how far away from the truth that has turned out to be - neither of those outcomes is even remotely close to where I find myself right now...

which is basically angry, feeling hurt and used, and wishing I no longer had to see him...and sure, it's improved, but today i'm hurting, i'm angry and i'm missing him...

oh well! tomorrow i'm meeting a head hunter and I've just applied for a big job at a big IT place...got to get the ball rolling, otherwise who knows how long I will be confined to the current place of work...

and for now, it actually is serving a purpose! getting paid well, although nowhere near what I believe I am worth, and learning heaps...all good!

soooo, it's good night from me and I hope that tomorrow is a much better day for me and one where I don't have those sneaking feelings of anxiety which found their way in today!

ciao!

my 2nd Melbourne Cup trifecta...

so Melbourne Cup day is one of my favourite days in the Australian sporting calendar! why you may ask?

well, couple of reasons:

• firstly, I think it's quintessentially Australian that a horse race literally brings our beautiful nation to a standstill
• secondly, it's something I have been to with my Dad (2006, can't recall who won, but he could tell you) and
• thirdly, even though him and I are rarely in the same town for the event, we have our little routine...

so it's become a tradition and reflecting on it this morning I realised a couple of things...

how grateful I am that my parents have found hobbies they love and now they are all but retired, they are truly enjoying and living their lives (good for them, they both worked bloody hard)...they have instilled in me (and I guess in my sister) a passion for things..and sure, I don't share all of their passions, but I am passionate and I am not afraid to enjoy the things I love and am passionate about...but mostly what i realised is how much Melbourne Cup is about family, or my Dad, for me...

funny, really it's about 24 horses, 24 jockeys, 24 trainers, countless owners, even more countless racegoers and millions of dollars, but for me, it's about the little rituals that I have come to regard as normal, the build up to the big day, the conversations with my Dad as we work out just who we are boxing in our trifecta...

so today, we picked the trifecta together! for me, it's my 2nd trifecta and my first one was all my own work, but today, I simply wouldn't have gotten over the line without Dad insisting that Red Cadeaux must be in the mix....and boy am I glad I listened...and this isn't our first trifecta! we've picked one previously, earlier this year at Caulfield, but picking the tri on the Cup is quite a feat!

our picks (which we do separately, although Dad has the advantage of a good mate who is a 'buff', somewhat more time than me to dedicate to the studying of the form guide, and is a much more regular racegoer than me) are typically aligned which is a good starting point, and then we debate who should make it into our final 7...over the years, we've moved away from 5 to 6 and now 7 horses that we box! seems reasonable...of course the TAB have also made it easier by allowing us to select our investment rather than have to fit into their previously rather rigid pricing structure..

I also no longer dread going into a TAB - and why? because my Dad (and my Mum, who is also a keen follower) have taught me how to place a bet and to understand the odds and race track lingo, as it were...

on the first Tuesday in November in 2006, with a winter's day that only Melbourne could serve up in spring, we did the Cup together! i'm certain we won nothing that day, but we had a ball...courtesy of IBM we did the Melbourne Cup in style...

so as I drove to work today I realised that long after my Dad is gone (and I sincerely hope that is a very long time away), Melbourne Cup will always be to me something I did with him, something he taught me to love and something we shared....special...

ps 1st Fiorente (Gai Waterhouse's first MC win, ridden by the brilliant Damien Oliver) 2nd Red Cadeaux and 3rd Mount Athos...

i'm certain it's normal

to occasionally have not so positive thoughts about friends, but I feel incredibly guilty when it happens to me...

fuck, wonder if that's a hangover from my childhood too - you know, always needing to be the nice girl, looking after everybody else before me blah blah blah

so it's been an interesting few weeks, interesting good in that I seem to have finally cottoned on to my process - in light of the conversation with my boss (which was a horror) I seemed to have done the roller coaster of emotions and have now come out at something that resembles, I think, resignation...acceptance would be going too far but resignation seems appropriate

ironically I haven't tendered my resignation - rather I feel resigned to being there for perhaps longer than I'd like to be, and in coming to that conclusion it seems there has been something of a reprioritisation...

yes, so that's not such a bad thing, although ultimately staying there and working for her would be untenable, but in the short term, or even medium term, whilst I look for the next opportunity, I can make it work for me...yes financially it's ok, i'd like to be paid more in comparison to peers, but standalone I get paid pretty well, finish reno's, attempt to finish book, continue with the great work i'm doing there, go on more great holidays...yes, it's true this job affords me lots of positives! despite the reality that in fact I find myself working for someone who has little or no integrity, lies and who would put financial gain above everything else, including people...not my cup of tea really! but in the short term, a means to an end....

so I guess in a way I should be thanking her - because in her ridiculously childish and personal reaction she has prompted me to really think about what I want and reality is, working with her ain't it, so I guess that's a good thing...I got a much needed kick up the arse! thanks universe....

anyway, I've digressed - nothing new there...so a couple of times when one of my bff's has come to work (she is doing some work for us) I have not been happy to see her....

and I feel bad even writing that down, but this is private and i'm desperately trying to identify what's actually going on...

there is an element of resentment in that in some way she is doing what i'd like to be doing (meaning running own business working in area of coaching and leadership), but mostly I think it's because when she comes there I feel judged...and that's because I think she expects me to be some perfect manager/leader and not ever let my personal feelings impact on how other see me...and sure, that might be how she is, but that isn't for me, it isn't who I am and I think even if I tried to carry it off, I wouldn't be being honest with myself or others - to me that simply isn't authentic...

then there's the nagging thought that has (as far as I can recall) only twice popped into my head and that's just how easy I think she has it sometimes (re my workplace, not in general): it's easy for her to turn up and be happy to see everyone, but I am there every day, when it's good and when it's bad, I have a boss I don't trust, and who doesn't really share my values, I fell in love with someone there who then told me he didn't want to be with me and I have to see him 5 days a week...i'm not lonely in that I have a network of people there (which I love)....and there are days when I simply resent her coming there and being all happy and light and expecting me to be the same...

and as I type that I wonder if she expects that or if this is some ridiculous expectation I have of myself...I've sort of mentioned it to her once before and whilst I can't remember what she said, i'm certain she would have said she wasn't judging me....

so why do I feel judged when she's there? why do I think everyone thinks how wonderful she is but that i'm not that wonderful - and then I start remembering how cool it was when I could just drop in and everyone thought I was wonderful...guess there's a part of me that misses that...and a bigger part that doesn't as working for myself was mostly lonely and then there was the added downside of the need to source business/sell....

so, question is, were the bad thoughts really about her or are they entirely my own, entirely of my own creation?

not sure, but i'm tired and i'm still annoyed with Nick - so the last few nights he's seen fit to make contact with me to do his usual whinge...I really don't want to get back into that routine with him and yet it's easy to think of it as potentially appealing - it won't be...it'll end like it always does with him getting me to listen to and support him and me, well we know how this is gonna go

what I really want to say to him is that I feel like a dirty little secret and that I wasn't good enough for him to tell people we are friends...

i'm so annoyed with him - at least I've told him that but still...what i'd dearly love is a workplace where he isn't there...

oh well, must go to bed...nite x

i'm still so angry

with him

wondering when that is going to pass?

haven't had a great day, and days like today invariably make me really question what is wrong with the world, and then sadly, leads me to wondering what is wrong with me?

yep, a feel sorry for myself pity party happening right here...

it'll pass, it always does right?

but anyway, i'm angry at FC - there are so many things I think I still want to say to him....

or maybe, I just had a shit day, feel sad there's nobody significant in my life, and I miss being able to whinge to him...

anyway, i'm tired, need some sleep so i'm going to hope crawling into bed for a relatively early night will help...

nite!

perhaps the best is yet to come

on the work front?

so, following being dissatisfied with the gap between my rem and that of external peers for well over a year, I decided to raise it with my boss...

she reacted so badly I couldn't actually believe it happened - so just to remind myself of the sort of person she has shown herself to be, i'm going to document here what was said after I sent her an email with some data presenting the facts:

• fuck, I don't believe the data
• I haven't had a review in 5 years (yes, that's relevant)
• the 'governing body' only review xx salary every 3 years (that's a lie - I know this because I run the process)
• don't let me hold you back if you have another opportunity to go to (really?)
• this is just like the conversation I had with xx (er no, he resigned, i'm simply saying I have an issue with my pay and i'd like to discuss it with you)
• in my next life, perhaps i'll move into HR (er you couldn't - you have to at least be human to do that!)
• I notice from your cv you don't stay anywhere that long...(really? and she stupidly looked up my linkedin profile, which I saw!...and for the record I was at the 'bank' for 6.5 years...)
• I would hope that you would approach me when you're ready to move and that you are happy with my mentoring of you (er choke, mentoring? when did that occur?); and
• finally, I recognise you have potential, perhaps your next move isn't here (er yes, I already know this, but that's not what i'm here to discuss with you)

so I asked her if she in fact wanted me to stick around and I get the 'I value you', but really, as if that's even remotely believable following the other crap that she spouted...

what a sad, selfish and idiotically short sighted person she is...I dream of resigning and telling her to rot in hell...

of course I won't say that to her but it's been kind of interesting to see just how often a revenge fantasy pops into my head...

er yes! oh well, so i'm out there...and you know what, I think it's good! I think she'll have no idea just how great I am at my job until i'm gone and for me, well, I've learned a whole bunch of stuff, not the least of which is I really don't want a female boss and that I need to believe how 'excellent' my reputation is just like others do...

so, onwards and upwards...

ps seems there is a similarity between her and FC which would kill him (as he can't stand her) - seems they both used me....

all the things i want to say to you (from July 2013)

are written here...

funny, I wrote this months ago and my fear of how he would react stopped me from sending it...but months later, I said it all anyway, and then the universe let me see you for who you are....so, back then, this is what I wanted to say....now, it doesn't need to be said! funny thing is, when I eventually did raise some of this stuff, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be....:-)

nick

i have stopped myself from writing this so many times, fearing that if i do you will treat me differently at work, hold it against me, or think i'm mental...but actually, i need to say something as i don't think you have any idea how your behaviour towards me impacts me

i haven't told you this because i am so afraid of what it will mean at work where i like and value the working relationship we have built, and would not want to jeopardise that, but truth is, i am more important than any relationship i have at work....

i'm afraid in telling you that you may react badly to this, although truth be told i've always admired how you react to things so perhaps you won't and you'll know that this is coming from a place of me looking after me, rather than me trying to hurt you - i would never set out to hurt you, i hope you know that...but it seems i have always put other people's needs ahead of mine and you are no different there - even when i knew i should cut you off after you hurt me i couldn't, because i like and care about you, but for my own happiness i should have

and the fear of how you might treat me at work has made me put my own needs on the back burner, but reality is this, if we didn't work together we would have had no contact post your decision....

and i have no idea if this will be difficult for you or if you'll really miss the contact we have - i have and always will trust you, i appreciate that i can talk to you at work and everything you do for me, but Nick i can no longer bear the out of works texts (the i'm in times square, photo of my carpet) and it pains me to say this as i wanted nothing more to be 'someone' in your life....but reality is we didn't want the same things then and even as 'friends' we don't want the same thing....

outside of work, there is nothing between us...from where i sit we aren't friends, even though you have said that's what you want...and sure we've tried it every which way possible, but seems it just can't be....sometimes you are friendly, sometimes you are cold, sometimes you treat me with complete indifference, other times you reach out to me, but mostly you are just inconsistent and i no longer want there to be this dynamic between us...and i wish it didn't bother me Nick, but it does...and that does my head in more than you know...

you had your chance with me and you said you didn't want it, so please do the unselfish thing and let me be....please....

we're friends and

I love you, but you're not invited to my 40th...

hmmm! well, seems the universe concocted the ultimate test for me this time - and I've done myself proud...

so since our fateful conversation on 23 September, only 2 days before his 40th birthday, where it slipped that he was in fact having a party after all, and I wasn't invited....I have virtually not said a single word to him since...

barring the necessary work dialogues, which have, thankfully, remained reasonably professional and normal - if anything between FC and I can be classified 'normal'...

inconceivable really but nearly 3 weeks on i'm doing remarkably well, and in fact, am somewhat grateful that the universe forced my hand...

reality is, for well over a year I have struggled to give him up, to realise that our out of work contact was a routine, a routine that led to false hope and ultimately sadness for me....

and mostly I feel good...whilst initially I missed our week night texting sessions, now I am thankful for the silence...and sure, he thinks he was doing the right thing not inviting me, but I just feel used...

for the best part of 18 months he has used me - used me to whinge to, to support him emotionally, to listen to his crap (which at times was boring and repetitive)...and for what?

so onwards and upwards...for a week or so I was chatting with a guy on eharmony but I called a halt to that following the horror conversation with boss...(see next post)

right now, other than pulling myself together, looking for a new job and finishing my renovations, I don't really have time for anything else....

so it seems the social experiment with FC is over....

ps Bec is convinced we'll end up friends, and that the reason I have a connection with him and can't explain why I wanted to be with him is that we are in some sense soul mates, and whilst in this life we are not intended to be together romantically, the connection is old and strong....we'll see! right now, I can't imagine wanting him in my life

if we were truly

friends, then i'd be able to share with you what's really going on for me,,,yes?

yes!

but I can't, and that's because we can't be friends - how do you suddenly just go from being with someone to being friends? sure, some people may be able to but I can't and for the last 15 months I have tried so hard to do that, but I can't...it doesn't work for me and now that I've tried to be vulnerable and explain that, I feel worse.....

I sent an email trying to explain where I was at, he responded - but the one thing he distinctly didn't respond to was the nature of his relationship with her.....he has always maintained she wasn't his girlfriend, but now I've seen her stuff at his place, she's texted him multiple times when I've been having a drink with him, i'm left with no other conclusion....

and then, to add insult to injury, he tells me 'I love you, I respect you, I admire you...our relationship can't be what you want it to be'....can't not won't....is this him again saying he isn't up to it? can't give me what I want because he knows i'll demand more than he has to offer? that's what Bec thinks...

truth is I felt good after my reading with her yesterday - empowered, strong, and that really he can't be with me because he knows I deserve more, because he knows he can't live up to what I want...and yet tonight, i'm sad....

I really don't want to see him at work - I don't want to have to 'deal' with it 5 days a week - I don't want to have to feel that i'm not good enough even though he's probably the one feeling that - coz truly, I feel like someone who probably doesn't deserve me has rejected me......and i'm left wondering universe, if it's ever going to be my turn...

i'm someone who has so much to offer and I seem to offer it to the wrong sort of men - question is will I ever offer it to the right sort of man?

will I ever get to a point where FC is just someone I used to work with, or better, someone I think 'who?' in years to come?

what hurts me the most is that he was sleeping with her, he stopped for a little while, led me up a garden path, slept with me, then dumped me, and then went straight back to shagging her....

it's just too much, and sure, I shouldn't care, but I do and I really don't know how to let him go, let my hope that he might one day turn up and be what I want him to be......

so i'm sad, I have no idea how to be friends with this man and if i'm honest, i'm afraid that if I cut off all non work contact maybe that will push him over the edge into making her his girlfriend...and sure, it's not like i'm crazy about him, he's in the line of fire as Bec would say - meaning, I want to be in a relationship and he's just there, so maybe I think he's the one I want to be with, deep down I know he isn't, but he's around.....

and therein lies the problem - if we didn't work together, he simply wouldn't be around.....

fuck, I am so over this - it's exhausting, it's holding me back and I am over it!

sad, lost and a bit relieved...

that I didn't hit send on the missive I wrote last night...

although at some point, i'm going to have to share with FC how the current status of things impacts me....more so since Friday night when I had to be subjected to seeing her name pop up multiple times on his phone, and then again yesterday whilst at work...seriously, not exactly a girlfriend my arse....

there are days when I really wish I had never gotten involved with him....

so consequently I am finding myself stuck and more stuck than I have felt in a long time....

for all the things I like about him, there are an equal number of things I don't...in my head I know things couldn't work between us, but my heart won't let go...

usually I can let go, eventually...and perhaps it's because we work together so 5 days out of every 7 I have to see him (which isn't bad, we get on extremely well) or perhaps it's because there was multiple past life connection...

anyway, i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm stuck and mostly i'm still hopeful....hopeful he'll get over what 'i'm about to turn 40' crisis he's having, look around him and realise what it could be....and then, maybe I don't want that, maybe I just want him to leave, and leave me alone so I can meet someone who will be what I both want and need...

he's what I want (for now) but I know he isn't what I need...hence this overwhelming seeming insurmountable task of letting go....

sigh

some people don't recognise

a friend in need....

or maybe they don't recognise a friend...

bloody FC - why is it so fucking challenging with him? I have really really really tried hard in recent weeks to lower my expectations of him, to accept him for who he is and what he can offer (which frankly, is limited...I don't want to say not much, so limited seems a nicer way to describe him)....

his behaviour is confusing, inconsistent and leaves me feeling that it really is a one way street...and truth is, it probably is, and he probably did tell me that way back when...guess I didn't want to believe it, thinking, as I still do, that there is something between us and eventually he'll see the light...

perhaps he won't

perhaps the only person who needs to see the light is me

yes me, the ever hopeful somewhat deluded dreamer

sigh...yes, deep deep sigh

after all this time I still like this man....of course, I am able to be objective about him, well more than previously, and I can certainly see his limitations, but occasionally I get a glimpse of what I liked, what I fell for, and then I get the mixed messages and all that results in is confusion and doubt

confusion and doubt - surely neither of these are the desired result when you are having a relationship? therein lies some very useful insight...

so anyway, tonight, after a very sudden overwhelming feeling of being a bit lost (existentially) and having a bit of a panic I texted him (was my plan to see if he wanted to take me for a drink), when he eventually answers, I tell him I thought he might take me for a drink, he asks what would make me want a mid week drink, when I tell him he responds with 'xx annoys me' and some work shit

really? no acknowledgement at all

at least I didn't proceed into a full FC related meltdown but still i'm upset, i'm upset that he thinks we are friends but responds in this manner....

oh well, I am determined not to let this eat away at me all night, and to not let him live rent free in my head, as it were....

still, he is occasionally dense and I told him that....

really need to exorcise him from my brain - an intervention is required!

nite

xx

thoughts of

FC seem to have pervaded this trip - and not to say that's a bad thing necessarily....just that he has, at times, been top of mind...

i have the occasional 'what if' moment, wondering if he'll ever man up and decide he wants to be with me (seems unlikely)...

he is strange tho - i think (and this isn't the first time i've said this) he's lonely....he often shares with me the details of his life that one would typically share with a girlfriend...yet another thing he does which sends a mixed message...

oh well! have had a lovely trip so far, so much so i haven't had time (or the inclination really) to blog about it...

highlights include the cricket with my Dad, getting on telly (all because I wore BD's aussie flag draped around me on the way into the ground), seeing Budapest, finally getting to see cousin Alison's lovely renovated cottage, spending time with her and Andy, seeing Grandma (although truth be told, i think that's more exciting to others - honestly, i felt obliged and sad in fact - she is really losing it and when she called Bob's in a panic before i left, she had forgotten my name...)

makes me realise i really do not want to get old....

anyhoo, the packing must be done, i've just upgraded to club europe which guarantees me a much better seat (window at the front) and a better baggage allowance (will def need it - not that i've bought that much here, but i have been gathering up the daily allowance of lóccitane products to take home and that will be about 2kgs worth!

so, it's farewell from me and HK bound tomorrow where i'll be meeting up with Kirst and Leanne - for 5 days of shopping, drinking and some casino time! yay...

ciao for now
x

i am so

impacted by FC right now - I guess last week's 'conversation' has stuck with me somehow and his reaching out for help, then retreating, his telling me he's my friend and ending his text with a 'x' and then he ignores me for days...I don't get him, I never did and the sad reality is I put my heart and soul into trying for a while....to what end I ask myself?

coz I wanted him to love me, to be enough for me, to want to be with me the way I thought I wanted to be with him...but no...

instead he ditches me and the chance to be in a real relationship and goes back to shagging the same girl he was shagging before him and I went out...seriously?

so imagine why i'm disturbed when on weekend he's giving me updates that his best friends now wife is in labour and then again when the baby is born...why is he telling me? not like I know them other than through him and not like I've seen them since him and I split? so why does he do this?

and then tonight, he tells me he wants to talk to me before I go, I tell him he can call tonight, he says he's helping with the baby and can't (give me a break - since when is he helping with a fucking baby?)...then summarises by saying 'we can't communicate by text'..

really Nick? you think so? no wonder our entire relationship was a disaster since you insisted on conducting most of it by text...

I need to get him out of my life again - i'd done so well and then I let (and yes, i'm happy to take responsibility for it) him slowly get back in...

it needs to stop, for my sanity and for my little heart to forget him...

yep, it has to stop!

apparently the

definition of friends has changed and I didn't get the memo...

so BD said he'd come round tonight and bring dinner - it's 9.23pm and I haven't heard from him so I guess that means, unless he's been injured (which I sincerely hope he has not), then he seems to have become unreliable and uncommunicative like a long line of men behind him...

sigh...

then there's FC, who only 2 nights ago told me 'i'm your friend' followed by a 'x', then basically goes into his usual 'ignore' mode...

yep, it's official, I've almost had a teary tonight because honestly all I feel right now is disappointment, there's some anger too, and a little bit of hurt, but mostly there's just abject disappointment...

I really need to start with a new criteria...

yep, I do! so yes, it seems there is a new definition of friends which includes not following through, being unreliable, and at times, uncommunicative well maybe I need a new definition of who I want to be my friends coz right now, this ain't working....

nite x

sick, confused and feeling a

bit vulnerable, or is it nostalgic? or worse, is it neither of those but merely my old well worn pattern at play?

hmmm, so I've been doing well - emotionally anyway, in the last couple of months...

since the Balmain woollies incident I seemed to have been well capable of flicking whatever FC switch was in my head...

initially there was a 'wtf' conversation and then I simply cut him out...at the time I thought it might be forever, but inevitably he has found a way back in - and truthfully, he's someone I trust and have to work reasonably closely with, so really, it wasn't realistic to think I could cut him out completely...

even though, the old Sarah, the girl with the patterns which feel like well loved shoes - you know the shoes you've had for ages, feel comfortable, but you know every time you put your feet into them, they are well past the day when you should have thrown them away...yep, seems when i'm sick and tired, it's easier (of course I can hear my fabulously supportive therapist say) to put on the old shoes rather than try out the new ones, which won't be worn in yet...

it's a trap, and as i'm drawing the analogy between shoes and reality, I do it with shoes too - I have the best wardrobe of shoes, but tend to favour the ones that are comfortable, that have probably (in some cases, but not all) seen their best days....and still I reach for them

so FC, just when I finally thought i'd gotten over how hurt I was about him, and found a way to manage whatever residual 'relationship' we have left...I get sick, we end up in a lengthy text discussion (which was initiated by him) and it goes pear shaped...what a surprise - I don't even know why I am surprised to be honest...I even said this to him....

so turns out he has an issue with booze - not in that he's an alcoholic, but I think he thinks he can't sleep without it...then he asks me how he can get hold of valium - just a few to get him into a sleep pattern so he can give up the booze, which he knows is contributing to the anxiety - now none of this is new, we've discussed it before, he knows perfectly well I have valium I could give him, although I feel strangely uncomfortable about doing that...so then he gets snippy with me, when I call him on it, he pulls out the 'you're a gm' card...

fucking what? so I got upset, I told him I didn't want to talk about it...he eventually gives me an FC type apology and a text which ends with 'rest up, get better - i'm your friend, sorry I took the conversation that way x'...

yes, you read it correctly a 'kiss'...

before that he mentions that he's doing lots of things I may not be aware of in terms of getting his shit together....and for some bizarre Sarah reason I take this personally...and I kind of know why, but still...feels a bit like a slap in the face - when he was with me he wouldn't get his shit together, he told me he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and felt inadequate...and now I do, if i'm being honest, and let's be serious, this is one place where I can be, i'm kind of annoyed by that...I think what annoyed me more was he put it all down to 'well work will always get in the way'...

so he wouldn't man up to be with me when he had the chance, he told me recently that he finds the 'solo holidays' difficult, he's shagging someone he claims isn't his girlfriend and he doesn't want her to be, he thinks we are 'friends' even though to me I simply feel like the person he whinges to (during the week) and I get little in return....

it's not balanced, it's more one way than two way and I felt last night for the first times in months, that he has this way of getting under my skin...

so i'm confused - this isn't new - I was in a constant state of confusion when with him and as I recall in the weeks we had no contact, I felt good, I felt clear and the confusion that he creates in my life had gone - it was peaceful and actually nice...I got back into being me, living my life and enjoying it for what it was...

and I would be overdoing it to say that one ridiculous conversation last night has undone all of that, but it has a) got my thinking and b) tested my resolve...

so where am I at now?

 - he certainly doesn't get to me as much as he used to
 - I no longer sugar coat stuff
 - if i'm annoyed I tell him
 - by mid morning I was over it
 - i'm still confused by his behaviour - he has, and probably always will, blow hot and cold

surely consistency just isn't that much of an expectation to have?

maybe it is...

anyway, i'm tired, I've been off today (and for remainder of week) with sinus and URTI as well as asthma...over being ill, but maybe it's the universe's way of giving me time out!

nite x

FC free....

so after must procrastination and trepidation about how I would cope/feel once I had eradicated FC from my life, it feels fucking fantastic...

it's taken a while, 22 days to be precise, which is funny, coz they say it takes 21 days to break a habit - and let's be serious, other than a bad habit, FC wasn't much....

seeing him with S has been the final straw for me - it broke the back of my resistance to cutting him out of my life...

but he's gone, and I feel happy, focussed on me, less distracted, not really missing him anywhere near as much as I thought I would, and i'm free! free to fall for someone else...

yay!

finally - never thought this day would come :-)

farewell to no 23.....

so yes, I know, this will come as a surprise as I pretty much haven't blogged about this at all; well, perhaps I've mentioned it in passing, but I haven't really talked about it in any detail...

and largely that's because I have had mixed feelings about it, and because I have been sick for a couple of weeks, I haven't really had a chance to construct the sort of heart felt meaningful post that when I look back on it, will capture how I feel and what 23 Carr Crescent meant to me...

additionally, as I plan to send this to my parents (had I not been sick I would have sent them a card - however, a card will be gone, lost or faded long before the blog post ceases to exist, I figure this is a good way to preserve history, as it were) it needs to be a bit more appropriately constructed than some of the usual diatribe like rantings that so often appear here!

so, as I did when my grandparents moved from 107 into Abbeyfield, so I will as my parents move out of 23 and into the Grange....

I have so many memories of 23 that I doubt it will a) be possible for me to recall them all as I write this post and b) have time to capture them all, but suffice it to say that what is recorded here are the things I remember most fondly...

• I remember we moved in not long after arriving in Australia in 1982
• I remember that after 2 or 3 months of hell (aka sharing a bedroom with my younger sister) I got my own room - yay!
• I remember there were some nice neighbours who were very welcoming
• I remember that where there is now a pool there was once grass, a climbing frame/swing set, and once digging commenced, a bloody big rock which now sits proudly in the garden having survived the removal process
• I remember there was sun room that initially had no ceiling, and no floor other than the mission brown boards which served as a fabulous place for an afternoon nap
• I remember the many Mazda's we seemed to have which were cleaned and admired on the ridiculously steep driveway
• I remember once I learned to drive how much of an obstacle the other rock was - so carefully positioned so as to deter the fainthearted from parking in the driveway
• I remember many a good party held here; my 18th and 21st to name a few - lots of good times, much laughing and occasionally, a wee bit too much drinking
• I remember the intercom which connected my next door neighbour/best friend Laurel and I that her Dad kindly installed for us
• I remember much fighting over usage of the bathroom and the car - what fun!
• I remember breaking down the side garage door with Dad when we'd lost the key
• I remember the summers when Grandma & Granda stayed with us for what felt like forever!
• I remember the summer Granda put his toe through the study wall in his sleep
• I remember the day when Miss Jelly came home...'I've had an underprivileged childhood' my sister said and 'if she stays, I go' my Dad - Miss Jelly won of course, and she became a much loved member of our family and my memories at 23
• I remember the not so good times in my life too, when 23 provided a haven and somewhere to get away to
• I remember getting ready for Sammy's wedding there
• I remember the first Xmas with Daniel there, as well as his first birthday where Poppy got him his first golf club
• I remember that one morning, a bit worse for wear, my first real boyfriend turned up and thought it would be funny to call Dad 'Buck'...it's stuck somehow
• I remember Dad and Granda re-applying mission brown paint to just about anything (that stuff should be banned!)
• I remember many fun times with Cam and Jen (mostly Dad and Cam would be having a cleansing ale or two)
• I remember than whilst studying, it seemed perfectly ok to take over the dining room table to spread out my books; and
• I remember the many special Christmases we spent with (and without) our dear friends, the Gillies - the laughs as we played trivial pursuit and enjoyed a certain 'Xmas missive' from the unmentionable ones.  good good times...

so it seems I do in fact remember quite a bit, but what I remember most is the home it was to us for just under 31 years (longest I had lived in one house until I moved to the big smoke, and certainly the longest my parents have lived anywhere)....the much cherished, ever welcoming, family home

and so in just a few more days it will be no more...well, not ours anyway.  mum and dad will move out, new owners will take over and my hope is that they will have as many happy times there as we did....

and sure, I am a bit sad too - no doubt it will be weird to go back to Canberra and rather than making my way to 23, instead i'll be going to 45....inevitably there will be a day when I forget, and make my way there only to realise it's not home anymore...

so au revoir 23 - thanks for the memories and to mum and dad, here's hoping 45 will bring you much happiness as you start this new chapter...may it become a wonderful home xx

things to do before i die....

singing lessons
live in new York
buy new place
do interior decorating course
consider doing tarot/channelling course
meet man of dreams
finish novel
get novel published (although finishing it is more important)
do more travel
get fit and stay fit!

that's it for now...just jotting down my thoughts..

predictable...

and i'm not sure, in this case, that's a good thing....

so this morning, and I haven't blogged about this yet, so maybe I should start there?

so this morning, before i'm out of bed, I check email - and funny, as I don't always do this....so imagine my horror when I see an email from FC in my inbox - and sure, I shouldn't be surprised as we work together so inevitably there will be stuff we need to talk about from time to time....but what I observed is the physical reaction I had to seeing his name....

it wasn't good: my stomach lurched, I felt sick, I felt 'gripped' by something (not in a good way) and I could feel all the old expectation coming back...

he was simply telling me he was ill and wouldn't be at training - there was even a 'sorry'....although I have to say that I honestly believed he was avoiding training - not like he enjoys it or even, really, thinks there's anything in it for him - ironic really as of all the people on it, he is 1 of the people who could, if he put his mind to it, learn a lot about himself and even, develop some more people skills, but no....

so I just simply observed my reaction, my feelings, my thoughts and I can tell you I think it's a pattern (well, of course, I know this)....so rather than feeling the need to 'do' anything (usually I do), I just sat with it and as I said to Leah hours later, having done that, it passed....

yes, did you read that? it passed! meaning it didn't take over my thinking for hours - I didn't go over in my head time and time again what I should do, what I should do...nope, I just observed the thoughts, and then they seemed to pass on....like a cloud which eventually gets moved on by the gentlest of breezes, only to reveal the sun..

yes, so that was an interesting exercise for me...and it's funny, I said to Leah that i'd gone to bed last night realising that it had been 15 days since i'd had any non work contact with him.....and funny, we've hardly had any work contact either and once i'd gotten through the observing this morning - admittedly I did check email a number of times wondering if there would be any more conversation - there wasn't - but I also observed how much I was enjoying the 'quiet' from him this afternoon...

so imagine my surprise then when unreliable but predictable, I get a text from him this evening (and funny, as I had said to Leah earlier, that even if he did check in with me to see how I was, it would, inevitably just be an excuse for him to talk about himself or work....hmmm) 'you seem not to be talking to me at the moment, but are you ok?'...

and sure my boundary work is a work in progress and it occurred to me for a minute to simply ignore it but I am not yet comfortable with a total ignore....that's something to discuss with Sal

so I responded telling him I was unwell, that I was processing stuff and surely he understood that....he comes back with some long email whinge about work, illness and the following 'yes I understand but since no communication I didn't know now I know I won't ask again but reiterate that nothing has really changed'....seriously! nothing has changed for him....

for me lots has changed - for starters I feel that he has deceived me for more than a year...he was sleeping with someone I know, finished things with her so he could 'see' me, then after he's done with me, picks up with her again - I feel used, I feel like he slotted me in, I feel like he has always kept me close so that he gets someone to whinge to....

even tonight - so the initial text 'appears' to be an enquiry about me - but as soon as he knows i'm sort of ok (physically not!) he's straight into the boring work talk - there's even talk that he is close to leaving - as I said to him 'well you always say that, and yet you are still there'...yet another area of his life where he won't take a risk, and sure I understand that one a lot better than not following your heart, but whatever....

so I have no idea where that leaves us - or do I? in fact, this changes nothing....I would expect a so called 'good colleague' to check in with me if he hadn't seen me for a week...yes, that seems like something I would do, so this leaves us nowhere......he's not worthy of someone like me, he manages to turn every conversation into being about him, about work, which is frankly boring....my life is so much more than work....

in fact, since I saw the fabulous 52 Richardson st Lane Cove house (for sale) last weekend, I seem to be dreaming of something different - however, if I could conjure up $1.9m I would buy it in a heartbeat...and then I get to thinking 'why am I waiting for a beautiful house to change my life?' and that's a great question...why am I?

perhaps I should be thinking about how to get what I want without waiting for some physical change in surrounds? interesting concept....

anyway, i'm tired, i'm going to work tomorrow for first time in over a week - 2 of the 7 groups are finishing mine and Leah's course tomorrow so would really like to be there....

so, nite nite....and i'm still to write about friendship and love, and how it's changed my idea about relationships and commitment! yes, watch this space....

21 days to

break a habit apparently, soooo I am now 15 days into that in terms of NO non work contact with FC, and in fact, almost NO contact at all....

it's been difficult, although I think I turned a corner on Saturday.....

and I felt momentarily guilty today when he saw me at work (first time really we've eye balled each other since it all happened) and he gave one of those weak uncomfortable smiles - I didn't even move my lips - no smile, no making him feel better...nope, I took absolutely NO responsibility for him, for once....

and sure that was difficult as I don't really see that as me, but you know what? for almost 15 months I have put his needs ahead of mine (and yes, that's my bad not his), have considered him ahead of me and have always done what I thought would make him feel better - well fuck that - today I had NO desire to make him feel better - let him squirm, if he even noticed....

sooo in addition to that, and I think probably not in addition to but because of, I am now into day 7 of a hideous bacterial respiratory infection and my 4th day off work with 2 more (mandated by Dr) to come....

and I am exhausted (that will happen when you can't breathe properly) but still, boring! so starting tomorrow morning i'll be doing my best to watch as many episodes of the Mentalist (my new thing) whilst trying to recover....

had my first ever stint on a nebuliser today - interesting! daunting at first, but worked a treat - especially loved the crazy head spins it gave me...

oh well, 15 days in - starting to feel good - starting to see him for who he is and not really missing the games/drama that is being with FC or being a 'friend' of FC...

mentioned to BD today the thing I have been wanting to mention for a while - he gets it - and that's just one of the reasons I love him....so, another conversation to follow there but at least it's not just me and my sensitive self!

ok, nite

so it's been my decision....

to cut ties with Nick, and yet, I still find myself wondering if he'll make contact....especially since I haven't been at work for the best part of a week (well, by tomorrow that will be true) and he hasn't even done the 'where u?' or 'u ok?' text....

admittedly he did do that on Saturday night and I ignored it....guess he's got the message, and for that I should be happy....

and mostly it's ok, but it also feels very weird and just occasionally I miss him, miss talking to him.....

it's getting better, but then occasionally what pops into my head is this: 'should I have told him?'....

why oh why would I say that? this is someone who has consistently (ironic really that in the area I like least about him he was consistent - ha!) done exactly what he wanted to and seemingly with little or no thought to the impact it would have on me, and when I do it, for the first time, I feel bad about it....

what a joke! really, what a joke....

oh well....i'm ok mostly....

mean mean reds...

and i'm not even sure that's a good description of how i'm feeling...i'm angry, i'm hurt, I feel let down and I feel as though, in addition to all of that, and last weeks trauma, i'm in the middle of an existential crisis...again

in addition to that, the sanctuary seems a long way from being a sanctuary right now - the en suite renovation that was supposed to take 3 weeks tops, is now into week 4....and sure, I didn't actually expect that when the guy said 3 weeks, it would be, but i'm over having to live in a bomb site - especially when I want to hide away from the world.....it's not exactly relaxing! no wonder i'm not sleeping the best, no wonder I feel jittery and anxious, and that's how I feel - I feel like I can't relax, wondering when a tradesman or other will simply turn up!

bit over being back here, and sure maybe it's a lesson, maybe there's something for me to learn here (I already know there is, just trying to sift through it all to work out which lesson i'm meant to get - seems right now there is more than one lesson)..

boundaries, expectations, who I am, what I stand for, what I want, relying on others (maybe that's expectations?), noticing how others do what they want when they want but I spend a lot of time doing stuff for others (yep, it's becoming glaringly obvious!)....

and wondering when it will feel ok for me to do what I like, rather than putting the needs of others ahead of my own? I wonder!

so this is now a few days old, but I was definitely feeling crap when I started writing it - I no longer am...physically yes, as I have some chest infection which is making breathing rather challenging, but emotionally, coming good....

some bubble time has helped and I no longer feel like i'm in the midst of a crisis, existential or otherwise....so, time to press reset and set myself some goals...

mean mean reds begone for a while....(post from Monday 20 May)

might make some more commitments to

self now that i'm no longer consumed with commitments to FC....and sure, I have the occasional pang of guilt that I've effectively just cut him off, but it's the first time I've looked after me in relation to him and that has to stay....

so the commitments are this:
 - continue with the healthy eating and attempting to shed a few pounds
 - write blog more, it's good for me
 - read more good books - they provide an excellent escape and in a way, research
 - do some ebaying!
 - get back into writing and set a realistic goal to finish draft 1 of that novel!

yep, a plan is always good - even though i'm a go with the flow person, a plan is good....

it's taken me the best part of a year

to cut non work ties with FC, and once I found out about his dysfunctional 'she's hardly a girlfriend' 'it's not what you think' relationship with S, that kind of did it for me...

so sure, maybe in his head he didn't lie to me, but he has deceived me and for probably the best part of a year - in my head, he led me on, waited til i'd fallen for him, then dumped me, then just as quickly as he allegedly gave up shagging her (his words), picked up with her again....

I feel used, I feel as though he took what he wanted from me and then discarded me when it got too hard - meaning, when he really started to like me...

it absolutely is his loss, I know that...and I waiver between really believing that and just repeating it to myself over and over again so that when i'm doubting it, it keeps me grounded and reminds me of why I needed to cut ties with him...

and yes, that was for me - not for the younger version of me who desperately wants to be loved, by anyone, no, for the 44 year old woman in me who knows I deserve something better

that woman who doesn't want to be strung along by someone who's not willing to take a risk to be happy

that woman who doesn't want to just be 'friends' so that he gets his cake and gets to eat it too

that woman who is starting to really believe that a) she is worthy of someone as fabulous as she is but also that b) he just might be out there

that woman who's dear friend Leah keeps telling her that FC is standing in the path of true happiness, and I think i'm finally coming around to her way of thinking

that woman who has so much to offer to another person, that woman who doesn't just want to give it away to someone who doesn't appreciate it or can't handle it...

and really that woman who is finally starting to love herself...and sure it's taken some time, a whole raft of pain, and it's taken some false starts (with Chris, and Ben, and FC and pretty much every other bloke I've been with)....but I feel as though i'm finally getting there...

and yes, I miss contact with him, but that will pass - it's been 11 days and it's starting to feel ok, normal even....and yes, when stuff happens at work my initial reaction is to want to share it with him, but then I remember how hard I have worked to try and instill the boundaries that will keep me safe, that will prevent me from holding out hope that he will become the person i'd like to be with and actually then want to be with me....

so, yes, onwards and upwards....and I wonder if in some way the breathing difficulties I am having, and the current bout of illness is a reminder of that - metaphorically it's the universe telling me to let go of FC, of my hopes that him and I could have a happy relationship - and to realise that in being with him I wouldn't be able to breathe, that he would suffocate me and blow out my dreams for myself....

so yes, it's taken me a while, and i'm certain i'm not 100% there yet, but i'm trying and it's starting to get easier....

one step at a time...yes, it's the only way....

nite world xx

i wasted more than a year

hoping that FC would love me....

hoping that my suspicion he was shagging someone who used to work with us was not the girl he was 'shagging;...

hoping he might wake up and realise he's crazy about me

hoping that he would get over whatever fear is holding him back from committing himself to a real relationship

but it seems it was futile, and frankly, nothing short of soul destroying....not sure why I did it really...

well, that's not entirely true but still, a whole year, a whole year letting his dysfunction, his fear of commitment, his issues make me feel less than I am

and now, now that I know for sure that he would rather be in a meaningless dysfunctional relationship than with me, i'm sad and I would dearly love to run away

I want to be in my favourite city, surrounded by stuff I love and focusing on me and my book, rather I find myself having to go to work 5 days a week and be confronted by him

a part of me feels traumatized every time I see him

and i wouldn't normally allow myself to think that it's been a waste as i usually find a way to see how every journey is worthwhile, but really, this one has been futile....from the get go i knew he wasn't right for me, but i wanted so badly for him to love me...

and not him

nope, this goes back a long long long long way...

and this is when this stuff hurts so much....and yes i believe we can heal our pasts, but it's difficult and painful and i guess, based on my own experience, it takes a lot of repeat mistakes before it's possible to see them for what they are....and sure, liking FC and hoping he would become the person i wanted was futile, a repeat of my life long pattern, but no less painful, and in many ways a LOT more painful....

so now, as i try and come to terms with the real loss (the loss of hope - he simply is never going to be that person, he's never going to turn up and say 'i'm an idiot, i love you, i want to be the man you want'...and the loss of his friendship and confidence at work) i am sad, i am hurting and i feel lost...

but truth be told, in the beginning i only ever agreed to be friends with him thinking it would give him some space and time and that in that space, and in that time, he would, in fact, come back....would see his way to find his way back to me, to us....

but nope, it's gone....

and as i type this and the tears silently run down my face and i listen to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years, i feel as though i have loved Nick for a thousand years - and sure i'm not sure i really loved him...

but really, how else could i be so impacted? so hurt, and right now feel so lost?

i miss him....

predictable, and yet

still unreliable...

so in true form, FC texts me last night to find out what I was on about...I reply simply with 'her name'....long and short of it is he basically says nothing's changed, he told me he was shagging someone and after i'd asked him if he was seeing her when he was seeing me, he didn't think it would be a good idea to mention it (no fucking kidding)...he says he wasn't shagging her whilst seeing me (how big of him), that a little bit of knowledge is dangerous, that I am probably wrong in whatever thoughts are going through my head and that she is 'hardly a girlfriend'....

I don't know if I feel sick that I liked someone who could be like that, or sorry for her that she willingly lets him treat her like this?

both are bad...and highlight the sort of person he is (and yes, I know I've spent the best part of a year liking him, wanting to be with him etc): so what sort of person is he....

well, inconsistent, unempathic (mostly), lacks EQ, has no concept of boundaries, doesn't know what he's doing, has no idea how he impacts me, says one thing but doesn't follow through, seems incapable of letting himself commit to someone, has little or no understanding of emotions, his or anyone elses, thinks he's a man about town, smokes too much, drinks too much...shall I go on?

no, best not to...funny, was thinking of that fateful night in late April last year where we had an almighty row, the night where he told me that i'd never said anything nice to him and couldn't articulate what I liked about him - and you know what? when I think back to that time, other than wanting him to love me because that's what I wanted, I really couldn't find anything I liked about him (other than you're smart, you have nice eyes, you're challenging)....i'm pretty sure that other than being smart, none of these things are things on my list...

hmmm, interesting observation right there and not like it's the only time I've had that thought....

so sure, he thinks nothing's changed, and really it hasn't - he isn't good enough for me and I need to accept that he ain't coming back, that in reality, I don't want him to come back, and I need to find a way that works for me of putting some boundaries in place to protect my fragile (yet resilient) little heart...

managed to pull myself together to get to work today, and not only to get there but to smile, be happy and function....very proud of self...

so, I think as I go to bed i'm going to jot down a few things i'm grateful for (aka my gratitude journal for 13 May 2013)...my beautiful friends Leah and Sara who were there yesterday to listen and support, thank you...for my job, which I love (of course i'd love it more if he weren't there) and for my books (yes, right now I am craving more bubble time than ever and I find myself losing myself in a good book - perhaps it's simply a precursor to me picking Lexie back up and finishing her story?)...

anyway, tonight, despite the tough couple of days, i'm grateful...grateful he no longer impacts me like he used to, grateful I feel stronger, grateful for my fabulous friends, my wonderful home and tonight, a comfy and warm bed and a bloody good book...

nite xxx

i want more...

so something compelled me to read over my first blog posts today...not sure what or why but I found myself reading a post about Pete....a lovely guy I dated a coupla years back...

despite a few false starts, we just couldn't get it together....and eventually he sent me a message saying "Sarah, I'm sorry but you must accept that i feel friendship isn't sustainable for us. Because I always thought about having more than just that. In the end I realised my pretending otherwise is not good for anyone. That's why I'm not available. I figured you got that as well. I just can't be what you would like because we can't be anything else. I tried. But I can't. I need more".......

so funny that in light of events of recent days I would stumble across this as there is a HUGE part of me that wants to say a similar thing to Nick...

and believe me I've tried....he knows I wanted more than friendship (then, not sure I would now), he knows that I never wanted anything casual (like he seems to be capable of) and I've told him (as recently as last night) that friendship doesn't work and that work is difficult for me, I've told him it would be easier if he'd leave....

and yet! fuck, what more must I do?  and even though he's been quiet today (this is normal after some sort of big thing between us), this could continue and that might be good - of course i'd rather be in control of that (must think about what that's all about)...but really, if we didn't work together I would have told him ages ago that I wanted NO contact whatsoever...

and yet, the fear of what could happen at work stops me putting myself first...

anyway, perhaps i'll work up the courage to tell him something similar to what Pete told me...

perhaps...

so this morning, i've kind of

observed my thoughts - where they went, how much I give him power in all of this (of course, Sal has mentioned that previously) and mostly what I found odd was the following thought "how am I going to be around him tomorrow?"...

when really, why would I be anything other than me? he doesn't know I saw him, in my heart I already knew he'd moved on, all that's different is I have confirmation...

and sure I feel a bit stupid, wondering if people know he's 'seeing her' and how stupid I feel for still having feelings for him, for hoping he'll a) turn into a decent person and b) come back....all kind of sad really...

and there's the part of me that knows that if we didn't work together, i'd be over him by now - yep, I would....so I wonder what I can do to protect myself from him and boundary less ways, infiltrating my head and sometimes my heart...sure, maybe he does it unknowingly, or even unwittingly (I like that word, especially in relation to him!) but still, he has and always has had an impact on me, and i'm over it...

not over him necessarily, but over how much he impacts me and how much I let him impact me...

so today will be a day of fortifying myself ahead of tomorrow, where not only do I have to see him at work, but from 10 - 1 he'll be in a workshop i'm running - fuck! is there no getting away from him?

moving him to level 6 will help, him leaving (he's never going to leave) would help - in fact there's a big part of me that would like to say to him 'fucking leave already'...

and you know what stops me? a) my role and b) me wondering if that will give him more power because he will then know how much I still care for him/like him...

it's a no win situation - really should not have gotten involved with him at all....bit late to be saying that, but it's true...

and then there's that wave of 'you prick, all you did was play with my heart for a while then go back to your casual shagging with the other S'....I don't know if i'm hurt, angry, feel stupid, feel strung on or all of the above...

going for a walk!

nothing has

really changed...both Leah and Sal have said that before, and really, what happened today doesn't actually change things, other than I suspect he strung me along and was two timing me - guess that's not the first time I've thought that...now maybe I just have more of an inkling...

but really, what has changed?

absolutely nothing...he's still not relationship material, i'm pretty certain other than being a useful confidante at work (although now i'm even questioning that) there's nothing else to recommend him...

• he smokes
• he drinks too much
• he can't do emotions
• seems incapable of committing himself wholeheartedly to anything
• he strings people along (in particular, me)
• he's occasionally rude
• socially unaware
• has shit boundaries
• and mostly, has NO idea how much he hurt me and seems incapable of realising that leaving me alone (better, just leaving work) is probably the best thing....

yep, nothing's changed!

i get that today is not

a day to be making decisions, but I do think that the events of today were carefully orchestrated by the universe as a wake up call...

for me!

• to see things as they are
• to see him for the sort of person he is
• to see what life would be like if we were actually together
• to see that no matter what, even if he did come back (he won't) I don't really want to be with somebody like him, even though a small part of me (the old part, the part who's well practiced at taking responsibility, for running after someone who doesn't love me) would like it to be so
• to see that I need to focus on me and what I want and stop asking 'what does he want?', 'what does he get out of being friends with me?', 'what's his motivation for doing xx?'...

yep, so so many lessons and in truth, probably should have figured them out a lot earlier...and as I said to Sal, if we didn't work together, I very much doubt he would take up any of the space in my head...

my beautiful, sometimes sad, creative head...

so as I take my weary self to bed (reading a great great book right now - must say, am enjoying being back into books!) at least I feel together...kinda sad, but together, and really, ok...

not great, not sad, not devastated, just ok....

and that's ok too!

nite
x

numb....

is how I feel following seeing him earlier, and now having deconstructed it with Sal....

seriously, what are the

fucking odds of that happening? seriously, hours later I am still spinning....

so years ago I remember getting a pair of knee high boots at this little shop in Balmain (yes, you read it correctly) and thinking I needed to get a pair with a heel (the Wittner ones I tend to wear, because they fit over my calves, don't have a heel) so that in wearing them all through winter I don't feel so short or dumpy (just being honest - am a bit heavier than i'd like to be right now)....

so on Thursday, realising that I had a very quiet weekend without many things planned, I decided that I would venture out to Balmain...yes, I know, I haven't been there much since Nick and I split, but I really wanted to see if I could find some boots...

so after a very successful Chatswood trip where I find not one but two pairs of flat boots, I mentally get myself ready for Balmain...

so imagine my surprise, actually, no it's more akin to horror then when i'm in the checkout and hear a familiar cough/clearing of the throat (yes, the smokers cough)....

so I turn around, as yet undecided as to whether i'm saying hello, would be weird - thoughts of 'fuck he'll think i'm stalking him, or him saying what are you doing in Balmain?' centre stage.....so I turn around, see the back of his head and the girl who used to work where we work with him...

yes, not just him, but her - the one i'm pretty sure he needed to 'tie up loose ends' of when he started seeing me, the one who when I said to him 'were you seeing her too?' his response wasn't 'no' but rather 'as if I had time?' (not exactly a resounding no)......so it would seem (following our text messages of the other week where he told me 'you don't want to know what I do on my weekends') he was right....

so, he no sooner leads me on, breaks up with me, than picks up with her again, or worse, he never stopped shagging her whilst he was seeing me - kinda explains a lot really...often not available, often ignoring me - probably was with her...

and sure I know they are friends, he's never hidden this, but he has essentially lied to me and I don't care if he's done it out of some false sense of looking after my feelings, bottom line is he's deceived me...

what I will say is she didn't look happy! mind, she never did and how could anyone be happy with him? I mean not like he's overly caring or feeling, or capable of dealing with anything on an emotional level, and if I was her, I wouldn't be overly happy with the fact that he spends a LOT of time talking to me.....

fuck! how could I be so blind? how could I not have seen it? how could I have assumed it was idle gossip when I heard he was seeing her - worse, when I heard he'd told other people he was seeing her.....

I so don't want to have to deal with him at work anymore - and sure he's been a very good support to me, but I think me treating him as a confidante works better for him than it does for me....sad thing is, I have no idea how to change that? boundaries - how the hell do I create a boundary (without feeling the need to announce it) so that I will be safe....

safe from his inconsistent behaviour, his only getting in touch (mostly) when it suits him or when he wants to have a whinge....

sure, and then there's the fact that he simply didn't choose me...and i'm left holding that....feeling not good enough, that I couldn't even make it work with him....

yep, i'm so impacted by seeing him, and whilst I know it was probably the universe ultimately trying to tell me it's time, but i'm hurting right now....

thankfully the only thing I need to do now is get in the bubble, and I don't have to come out until Monday morning...

not sure if i'm more annoyed with myself for continuing to see him for someone he isn't and for hoping that he might come back...he is NOT coming back and I need to not only face that but embrace it....yes, embrace it, and remember that there is a growing part of me that doesn't want to be with him - knowing I wouldn't be happy, wouldn't be satisfied and would always be looking/wanting for more....

and yet!

fuck....plenty of thinking to do in that bubble!

expectation management

and no, this is not the title of a training course i'm running or even writing...it's the title of something that for a long time I've known re FC...meaning that I think my expectations of him constantly lead me to be disappointed...

he also told me the other night that me having realistic expectations would be a good start to both of us finding things less difficult between us...

so, I've taken that on board, I've thought it through and I guess he's right in some respects, but really, there are plenty of things I expect from a 'friend' and he just doesn't live up to them, and that's about him, not about me, as my other friends do....

so true: he doesn't fit my ideal picture of a friend, he's sometimes rude (although I rarely find him rude these days, especially now I understand him more), pretty much consistently inconsistent, runs hot and cold, seems obsessed with talking about work, and sadly, often the same things over and over and over again, seems to be oblivious to how important to me the social niceties are in a relationship - meaning, he doesn't always ask how I am, even when I've asked him, he often ignores things I say as I suspect he thinks they aren't important, and worst of all, he often just drops out of a conversation (yep, that one does my head in)...

and let's be serious, none of this is new, none of it should surprise me anymore, and I guess in writing this blog, it's less about me being surprised, or disappointed, but perhaps a realisation that me having expectations about him, even as a friend, is futile...

hmmm, got some more thinking to do on this...

highs and lows...

that's what life is right? a series of highs a lows? a game where the trick is to find more highs than lows? and I don't mean game to sound cynical...nope, just an observation, or perhaps it's just my current state of mind?

so today was a high! I attended a corporate presentation course at NIDA (yes, you read it right, the National Institute of Dramatic Art), and that was great, made some good connections, learned lots, had a nice taxi ride with two girls, one asked me coach her, got a great text from of my staff saying how my chat with a staff member had had a huge and positive impact on an otherwise rubbish situation....so was on a high!

yes, and in writing this I now know what changed...we are in the midst of preparing for a team off site at work, where my boss and her team (including me) will get together and spend some time together focused on our style of management....this is loosely based on feedback we'll get from our staff, and 3 of mine sent theirs today and I stupidly read them tonight...after a good day, when I was feeling so 'in my space', so incredibly 'sarah' and so supportive etc...

anyway, the feedback ain't bad, on the contrary, mostly it's good, and there's a coupla things in there I was expecting....but it's dampened my mood!

so, i'm going to try something we learned today - to set aside time tomorrow (in my working day, rather than at home) to read the feedback in more detail and consider how i'm going to respond....and tonight i'm going to get some dinner, watch the Voice, then have another early night....

my sleep pattern has finally returned to something that I consider resembles normal and likewise my voracious appetite for a good book has returned, so whilst those things are present, i'm running with them and making the most of it....

so, the feedback from the girls at the course today: passionate, supportive, encouraging, motivating and you really care about people...

makes me feel so happy that people experience me like I want to be experienced :-) I felt very proud and very much my self actualised self (as Leah would say!)....thank you girls...

funny how we tend to focus on the negative at times, or not even negative but simply someone else's experience....

yes, funny! but not unusual - us humans really do struggle to focus on the many many positive things which might be said to us or fed back to us, instead preferring (well not really, but seemingly conditioned to) to focus on the negative, which is the minority....weird that! a very weird trait indeed, and one that I intend to work hard to fix....

I often let the isolated feedback from one person derail me - last week a perfect example of that, although having said that, his feedback was particularly hurtful (70% of our interactions not useful, you and your team work like the ATO etc)....yes, bit hard to recover from that, even if you are resilient, and getting plenty of other feedback and if you know that he's simply having a go at you because you called him on something....that aside, i'm still feeling a bit fragile and I am absolutely not looking forward to having to suffer through lunch with him tomorrow...

anyway, trying to keep some boundaries in place tonight and not let work, or him, or the feedback get in my head...

it's dinner, The Voice, book, and bed...oh and a nice cup of tea and some chocolate! yes, that'll sort it all out....

nite

seemed things were going ok...

between FC and me, although now i think he's going to be renamed Sherlock or Holmes...Leah has been saying for ages that he reminded her of Jonny Lee Miller, even before she met him and i have to agree, the physical resemblance is remarkable...that said, i think JLM is WAY hotter and much smarter, and of course, whilst i don't think his Eli Stone character anything like FC, his Sherlock Holmes character is much more similar....

anyway, i digress....

so things, on the whole, have been going well between us - we seem, finally, to have settled into a friendship, and admittedly it's largely work based, but still.....i told him the other week that i didn't want to talk to him about work outside of work - he's been ok at trying to stick to that...

i also told him that other than work if we had nothing to talk about then perhaps we weren't really friends....

in my head possibly my way of trying to move on, to heal the hurt, to once and for all, see things for what they are rather than what i want them to be....hasn't worked too well, but what i have observed is how much less i pander to him, how much 'straighter' i simply say things and this is great for me - not to have to agonise over every word....yes, much easier sometimes to employ the ISTJ thinking/way, and of course he doesn't bat an eyelid - important lesson learned for me....

so today i have a crap day - turns out BD decided to tell me that he's overhead the program i'm running being referred to as the 'SR show' and this is not a compliment.....of course if was very hurt by this, just makes me question why i bother, but as a number of people who know me well have pointed out, it wouldn't be me if i didn't give it my all....true :-)

so i speak to FC half way thru afternoon, tell him i feel like a drink, ask him if he's doing anything, he says yes but nothing important...i ask him if he'll come to me for a drink, he says no....i do a crap job of trying to say well i'm the one in need of a drink so seems only fair you should come to me then decide to give up....he texts to tell me to let him know when i'm done so i can properly explain (don't think it needed further explanation to be honest but....), i leave work, he calls - i try and explain what i mean and he seems to find too many reasons why it's too hard so i tell him simply 'don't worry, i'll just go home'....sure, he eventually said he would catch a cab but not after a number of objections had been raised...honestly, i ran out of inclination and gave up.....

so he then texts to say i can call if i want...i tell him tis ok...then he tells me he's meeting up with the bf to organise wedding music (had no idea the bf was getting married so quickly!)....i don't respond - really, what is there to say? and then 'i feel as though i've let you down when you need a friend - i'm sorry'....

and then suddenly i remember how disappointed i often found myself when we were together...although admittedly tonight i wasn't that disappointed - if we had ended up drinking i know that he wouldn't really have been the 'friend' i needed, he listens but only til he thinks it's done, then moves on to talking about himself...yep, probably good he made it difficult...

but then a call, even a voicemail (he never leaves them), and i text to tell him i'm not pissed off....eventually we talk and of course he does not start with 'how are you?' but some whinge about his phone ring.....

it's good to see some things never change and possibly this is a reminder from the universe for me of everything that he is not...sure he tries, and sure i like him, but really, it just couldn't work between us....so how on earth do i really 'get over' what i wanted to happen with him? not even sure it's him i need to get over...

and then there's the fact that he came to find me at lunch time to tell me something that could easily have waited...but no, he chose to come to find me...Leah was here - she thinks he's still hung up on me...

soooo, not sure how i feel really beyond tired, and a bit bummed out about work - however, he did provide an interesting perspective on that: namely that those people who are saying stuff behind my back and who are whingeing have actually just identified themselves as the people we ultimately don't want here...perhaps he's right?

anyway, i'm tired, i'm still unwell and i have a 4 hour meeting (groan) at 8.30 so bed it is for me...

nite x