seems to be the only thing i can say....why?
why do i still like him?
why, if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with me does he text me most nights? including friday night to see if i'd had a nice boozy lunch...not even work related! sure, under the guise of 'work' i can see why he might want to talk, but really?
haven't i made it clear enough that i'm done with his mixed messages? like the fact that for almost the entirety of his holiday he was texting me......why? bet he wasn't texting his other 'work colleagues'? or maybe he was...
problem is this: i don't want to be friends, never have, never will, he's not actually friendship material in my opinion (i've said this before), he can be rude, he often drops out of conversations, it's ok for him to contact me but when i contact him i always feel like i'm getting the brush off or i've interrupted him, he simply has no idea! no fucking clue....
and today, on a grey old day where i woke up not feeling the best, it's really gotten to me....and yet i think i still miss him....but do i? do i miss him? or do i miss the idea of someone?
yes that's more likely, coz other than the good conversations we have at work (which are usually work related or about people at work), and the odd laugh (he is funny, gotta admit that) there isn't much there....
in my head i built him up to be someone that had potential to be in a relationship with me, but really, he's not, and frankly, never was :-(
and yet, i can't let go....why? universe please help me work through this....and i think i'm over him, in that i'm no longer an emotional wreck, i am functioning very well, but there are times (fewer and farther between) when i really cannot get him out of my head...
of course, he was in my dream last night - it's always the same thing when he's in the dream - he's there but unreachable! ha, what a laugh....he was always unreachable, even when he was trying to let himself go....
yes, unreachable Nick....and yet i'm reaching....it's part of the old pattern! it has to go, he has to go!
books
books
Monday, January 28, 2013
Monday, January 21, 2013
i think the point where
i tell nick that i just can't do this anymore is fast approaching...
so things have been going well, generally, bar the odd issue at work, the amount of pressure that's going round right now, and i've not been initiating contact with him...
this is all good, i've stayed true to not wanting to contact him out of work as i have observed in recent times that every time we have some sort of non work conversation, pretty much, i end up upset in some way...
mainly i feel misunderstood, upset might be too strong a description, but tonight, no, tonight i did feel upset! so much so i had a little cry - been a while since that happened....
so i tell him about a conversation i had with my boss last week - my perf review no doubt, where she asked me a very pointed question and i responded, honestly, assertively and ultimately, vulnerably....i thought it was probably a conversation that we needed to have, i'm proud of how i behaved, i'm proud of what i shared and i am pleased that i did it in a non confrontational, non defensive, but open way....
so i recount this to nick today, and tonight i get a text telling me to be careful and offering some advice - i respond with 'thanks for having my back :-)' and then i get 'yes, but do you know what you are doing?'....seriously? and this is him looking out for me, trying to be nice?
i don't think so...what i think this is is someone who needs to find a reason to contact me outside of work because he's lonely, because i've always been a good listener, and always been there for him - someone who's probably bored in his life (at least, if not in his life at work), and so on a monday night when he's got nothing to do, he texts me and then proceeds to wind me up....
then, as you would when basically asked if you know what you are doing, i get a wee bit touchy (admittedly, i did)...then i get accused of being grumpy...
seriously, has this guy got no fucking self awareness whatsoever? would seem not....
so i was very close - so very very close to saying 'Nick, i can't do this anymore - it's exhausting'....but something stopped me..
good thing is, i had visualised the words i wanted to write and that's never happened before, so perhaps it's just a matter of time now before he won't get to me...
yes, i think we call this progress even though i had a teary! oh well....
bed is calling....
nite
so things have been going well, generally, bar the odd issue at work, the amount of pressure that's going round right now, and i've not been initiating contact with him...
this is all good, i've stayed true to not wanting to contact him out of work as i have observed in recent times that every time we have some sort of non work conversation, pretty much, i end up upset in some way...
mainly i feel misunderstood, upset might be too strong a description, but tonight, no, tonight i did feel upset! so much so i had a little cry - been a while since that happened....
so i tell him about a conversation i had with my boss last week - my perf review no doubt, where she asked me a very pointed question and i responded, honestly, assertively and ultimately, vulnerably....i thought it was probably a conversation that we needed to have, i'm proud of how i behaved, i'm proud of what i shared and i am pleased that i did it in a non confrontational, non defensive, but open way....
so i recount this to nick today, and tonight i get a text telling me to be careful and offering some advice - i respond with 'thanks for having my back :-)' and then i get 'yes, but do you know what you are doing?'....seriously? and this is him looking out for me, trying to be nice?
i don't think so...what i think this is is someone who needs to find a reason to contact me outside of work because he's lonely, because i've always been a good listener, and always been there for him - someone who's probably bored in his life (at least, if not in his life at work), and so on a monday night when he's got nothing to do, he texts me and then proceeds to wind me up....
then, as you would when basically asked if you know what you are doing, i get a wee bit touchy (admittedly, i did)...then i get accused of being grumpy...
seriously, has this guy got no fucking self awareness whatsoever? would seem not....
so i was very close - so very very close to saying 'Nick, i can't do this anymore - it's exhausting'....but something stopped me..
good thing is, i had visualised the words i wanted to write and that's never happened before, so perhaps it's just a matter of time now before he won't get to me...
yes, i think we call this progress even though i had a teary! oh well....
bed is calling....
nite
Thursday, January 17, 2013
johnny depp is right
i think....so a coupla days ago i saw a quote of his on FB and it has really resonated with me...that and a great session saturday with my therapist where we reviewed my 'patterns' with men....
was a tough session, don't get me wrong, and one that has made me spend a lot of time since then in the cave! so it would appear i'm addicted to drama, to men who aren't right for me...wtf?
so in the words of johnny depp 'you can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel'....hmmm, spot on really!
and funny, i guess i have tried pretending that i no longer like nick, but i do and i can't close my heart to that....i can of course open my eyes and see him for who he is and remember back to the time we spent together and remind myself that it wasn't good, that i constantly felt unsure, unhappy and insecure (yep, sounds great doesn't it?)....then there's the smoking, the issues he has re commitment and relationships, the fact that he messed me around for months, and until yesterday i hadn't really seen it like this, but basically, he had his cake and got to eat it too.....and i let that happen...
and yet, there is something there....i have no idea what it is, i am certain nothing could ever happen between us, and i'm sure he hasn't got the empathy or the spiritual/emotional wherewithal to agree with me....but i like him...
he drives me nuts still though, so not like he's become the decent person i really wished he would be...he has some redeeming features, arguably, but really....i wonder why i can't put it behind me entirely and forget him? well, perhaps that would be because we work together and most days i not only have to see him, but we have to interact...
and i don't want it to seem like that's difficult - mostly it's not difficult at all, mostly he's very amenable and does whatever i ask of him (we like this), but somedays i see that nick that i so desperately wanted to change - the nick who doesn't say hello, who is rude (or maybe just pre-occupied) and i wonder what it is about him that i like....
perhaps i like him because i know deep down that it can't be and so he, or it, represents a challenge?
and when i say it like i think, no wonder i've had issues finding the right man....i'm attracted to the wrong ones, to the ones who can't or won't love me, the ones who won't commit, the ones who want to be friends but then seem incapable of understanding what that means....
so it would seem that it's time...time for me to own some of this, time to decide to do things differently and time to change the pattern...
so yes, johnny depp is right, but just because i can't close my heart to how i feel based on a bunch of outdated patterns and beliefs (the primary one being that i'm not good enough), i can open my eyes to just how overwhelmingly unsuccessful that has proved to be.....
so, thank you johnny depp, and not just for this amazing quote!
was a tough session, don't get me wrong, and one that has made me spend a lot of time since then in the cave! so it would appear i'm addicted to drama, to men who aren't right for me...wtf?
so in the words of johnny depp 'you can close your eyes to the things you don't want to see but you can't close your heart to the things you don't want to feel'....hmmm, spot on really!
and funny, i guess i have tried pretending that i no longer like nick, but i do and i can't close my heart to that....i can of course open my eyes and see him for who he is and remember back to the time we spent together and remind myself that it wasn't good, that i constantly felt unsure, unhappy and insecure (yep, sounds great doesn't it?)....then there's the smoking, the issues he has re commitment and relationships, the fact that he messed me around for months, and until yesterday i hadn't really seen it like this, but basically, he had his cake and got to eat it too.....and i let that happen...
and yet, there is something there....i have no idea what it is, i am certain nothing could ever happen between us, and i'm sure he hasn't got the empathy or the spiritual/emotional wherewithal to agree with me....but i like him...
he drives me nuts still though, so not like he's become the decent person i really wished he would be...he has some redeeming features, arguably, but really....i wonder why i can't put it behind me entirely and forget him? well, perhaps that would be because we work together and most days i not only have to see him, but we have to interact...
and i don't want it to seem like that's difficult - mostly it's not difficult at all, mostly he's very amenable and does whatever i ask of him (we like this), but somedays i see that nick that i so desperately wanted to change - the nick who doesn't say hello, who is rude (or maybe just pre-occupied) and i wonder what it is about him that i like....
perhaps i like him because i know deep down that it can't be and so he, or it, represents a challenge?
and when i say it like i think, no wonder i've had issues finding the right man....i'm attracted to the wrong ones, to the ones who can't or won't love me, the ones who won't commit, the ones who want to be friends but then seem incapable of understanding what that means....
so it would seem that it's time...time for me to own some of this, time to decide to do things differently and time to change the pattern...
so yes, johnny depp is right, but just because i can't close my heart to how i feel based on a bunch of outdated patterns and beliefs (the primary one being that i'm not good enough), i can open my eyes to just how overwhelmingly unsuccessful that has proved to be.....
so, thank you johnny depp, and not just for this amazing quote!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
it's just not good for me to
have contact with him and yet, whilst he is still at work, it seems unavoidable...
perhaps workshopping how to install the boundaries is what i need to work on with Sal?
although today at least we had a very honest conversation - see, he asked me for some advice/help at work (fuck, i realised when i got home that this is exactly how it all started last year...) and when i gave him some i am met with a brick wall of his silence....
he said i was aggressive - i said he was ungrateful and hard to read and i wondered why i was bothering....
ended up having a much better conversation tonight but really, i wonder, what the point is? i question if i'm only doing it because i feel i have to? or if because, and frighteningly, i have not yet given up all hope that something might be between us?
seriously? i need to let that go....even if there is something between us, and there is, he is simply not right for me...on so many levels....
so, what i need right now, is a healthy dose of realism...
perhaps workshopping how to install the boundaries is what i need to work on with Sal?
although today at least we had a very honest conversation - see, he asked me for some advice/help at work (fuck, i realised when i got home that this is exactly how it all started last year...) and when i gave him some i am met with a brick wall of his silence....
he said i was aggressive - i said he was ungrateful and hard to read and i wondered why i was bothering....
ended up having a much better conversation tonight but really, i wonder, what the point is? i question if i'm only doing it because i feel i have to? or if because, and frighteningly, i have not yet given up all hope that something might be between us?
seriously? i need to let that go....even if there is something between us, and there is, he is simply not right for me...on so many levels....
so, what i need right now, is a healthy dose of realism...
bye bye 2012
and aren't i glad to see the back of that year?
sure am! i guess i learned a lot, but it was also an extremely difficult, challenging and hurtful year...one that i don't want to have a repeat of anytime soon....
so january, the usual reflection of where i'm at, and a confidence crisis as the girl who was my EA threatens legal action because i treated her badly (which is absolute shit, and that's not must me denying it, but the truth)....so not the best start to the year! highlight of the month was my birthday party with girlfriends at Tessarella House....oh and my little sis turned 40 and we had a nice weekend in Melbs and some tennis
february was the start of the end....meaning, that's the month that Nick and I started working on a project together and consequently a lot of time together...the getting to know each other, the flirting, the friday night calls....Chubbsy 5 (wow, where did the time go)
march much of the same and then finally as the month rolls to an end, the first date approaches....only nice thing in the month really was Kirst's 40th, oh and the annual MCG trek with dad and dan for the season opener (blues won but the season didn't really continue in that vain!)
april altogether crap! first date with Nick on 1 April but also that's the day that Kirst, Heath and the boys leave town for their big round Australia trip, and then the move to Coffs :-( inconsolable after saying goodbye...perhaps not the best day to have a first date? only good thing really to happen in april was the editing course i enrolled in....mum and dad witnessed my first real meltdown (not my proudest moment)
may was difficult, after deciding that we would be 'friends' things seemed to continue to become every more blurred and i found myself becoming really attached to Nick and the idea that we might actually have a relationship....the month is essentially littered with mixed messages....highlight being that i bought a new car!
june was more of the same, then not, then the end....so seems he's incapable of having whatever 'chat' he thinks we need to have, i really fall for him, we end up sleeping together, and then only 2 days after that he calls it quits 'seems we're in a relationship and i don't want to be'....how the hell i picked myself up and went to work the next day i'll never know....but i did....that was the 17th so the remainder of the month was pretty much a blur and one where i spent a lot of time in the Sanctuary....going over and over what i did wrong
july not much better - seems that even though he doesn't want to be with me in a relationship, he can't quite let me go - continued texting, drunken texts telling me he still likes the idea of us etc...any wonder i find it difficult to move on...talk of being friends seems to get us nowhere...
august, and still it drags on! we're still seeing each other outside of work, he's still helping me do stuff (computer, remote control etc) and it's just not helping me at all....but i can't seem to cut him off. very few highlights this month, but do finally go and see a new naturopath when i finally give in to the fact that early menopause is here to stay....absolute highlight of month was Georgie's arrival on 29th! yay, love that car.....
september, and things are starting to get better, despite me still struggling to put my own needs ahead of his...at least now, the big trip is only a month away! my friendship with BD is in full swing now and i realise how much i like him and in contrast, how nice it is to hang out with a man who can talk about his feelings....and the worst of it all is the night, late in september where he tells me he's been introduced to the blog...eek! so consequently it's now private...what a crappy night that was, but to his credit, he handled it very well and we managed to talk about it before returning to work....in a way, made me realise how much i liked him...he always was calm in the midst of a crisis - or perhaps just not present and silent, and i mistook it for calm...apologised for hurting me so much, guess reading the blog made him realise he really had hurt me....
october - the month i had been waiting just about all year for! on 5th i flew to NYC for 3 weeks - was fabulous! saw good friends, shows, ballet, cousin, shopped lots and generally tried to regain my sense of self....managed to go the entire trip without contacting him (very proud of self)....
november - only shortly after i was home i had a complete and utter meltdown, at him! seemed even though he said he wanted to be friends, he coninued to treat me as though he didn't know me and it hurt me....things sort of improved but i only had to get few a coupla weeks before his NYC trip....
december! the end in sight, he went away on 7th for a month and even though i thought i'd miss him, i enjoyed the break, work was much nicer knowing i wouldn't have to run into him...but he continued to contact me whilst away.....including a text 'i'm in times square'...really? what is the point of that? lovely xmas with the family...a lot of time spent with BD and lots of research done into the upcoming renovations following dinner with a good friend early in month....quiet new years eve with leah....
so, yes, kinda glad that year is done! learned lots, suffered lots, at one point honestly though i was suffering from depression....but hey, it's now nearly my 44th birthday and i'm doing much better...sure, life ain't perfect, but really, what is perfect?
so, 2013 will be my year - a new year, a new start and a chance for something else.....
sure am! i guess i learned a lot, but it was also an extremely difficult, challenging and hurtful year...one that i don't want to have a repeat of anytime soon....
so january, the usual reflection of where i'm at, and a confidence crisis as the girl who was my EA threatens legal action because i treated her badly (which is absolute shit, and that's not must me denying it, but the truth)....so not the best start to the year! highlight of the month was my birthday party with girlfriends at Tessarella House....oh and my little sis turned 40 and we had a nice weekend in Melbs and some tennis
february was the start of the end....meaning, that's the month that Nick and I started working on a project together and consequently a lot of time together...the getting to know each other, the flirting, the friday night calls....Chubbsy 5 (wow, where did the time go)
march much of the same and then finally as the month rolls to an end, the first date approaches....only nice thing in the month really was Kirst's 40th, oh and the annual MCG trek with dad and dan for the season opener (blues won but the season didn't really continue in that vain!)
april altogether crap! first date with Nick on 1 April but also that's the day that Kirst, Heath and the boys leave town for their big round Australia trip, and then the move to Coffs :-( inconsolable after saying goodbye...perhaps not the best day to have a first date? only good thing really to happen in april was the editing course i enrolled in....mum and dad witnessed my first real meltdown (not my proudest moment)
may was difficult, after deciding that we would be 'friends' things seemed to continue to become every more blurred and i found myself becoming really attached to Nick and the idea that we might actually have a relationship....the month is essentially littered with mixed messages....highlight being that i bought a new car!
june was more of the same, then not, then the end....so seems he's incapable of having whatever 'chat' he thinks we need to have, i really fall for him, we end up sleeping together, and then only 2 days after that he calls it quits 'seems we're in a relationship and i don't want to be'....how the hell i picked myself up and went to work the next day i'll never know....but i did....that was the 17th so the remainder of the month was pretty much a blur and one where i spent a lot of time in the Sanctuary....going over and over what i did wrong
july not much better - seems that even though he doesn't want to be with me in a relationship, he can't quite let me go - continued texting, drunken texts telling me he still likes the idea of us etc...any wonder i find it difficult to move on...talk of being friends seems to get us nowhere...
august, and still it drags on! we're still seeing each other outside of work, he's still helping me do stuff (computer, remote control etc) and it's just not helping me at all....but i can't seem to cut him off. very few highlights this month, but do finally go and see a new naturopath when i finally give in to the fact that early menopause is here to stay....absolute highlight of month was Georgie's arrival on 29th! yay, love that car.....
september, and things are starting to get better, despite me still struggling to put my own needs ahead of his...at least now, the big trip is only a month away! my friendship with BD is in full swing now and i realise how much i like him and in contrast, how nice it is to hang out with a man who can talk about his feelings....and the worst of it all is the night, late in september where he tells me he's been introduced to the blog...eek! so consequently it's now private...what a crappy night that was, but to his credit, he handled it very well and we managed to talk about it before returning to work....in a way, made me realise how much i liked him...he always was calm in the midst of a crisis - or perhaps just not present and silent, and i mistook it for calm...apologised for hurting me so much, guess reading the blog made him realise he really had hurt me....
october - the month i had been waiting just about all year for! on 5th i flew to NYC for 3 weeks - was fabulous! saw good friends, shows, ballet, cousin, shopped lots and generally tried to regain my sense of self....managed to go the entire trip without contacting him (very proud of self)....
november - only shortly after i was home i had a complete and utter meltdown, at him! seemed even though he said he wanted to be friends, he coninued to treat me as though he didn't know me and it hurt me....things sort of improved but i only had to get few a coupla weeks before his NYC trip....
december! the end in sight, he went away on 7th for a month and even though i thought i'd miss him, i enjoyed the break, work was much nicer knowing i wouldn't have to run into him...but he continued to contact me whilst away.....including a text 'i'm in times square'...really? what is the point of that? lovely xmas with the family...a lot of time spent with BD and lots of research done into the upcoming renovations following dinner with a good friend early in month....quiet new years eve with leah....
so, yes, kinda glad that year is done! learned lots, suffered lots, at one point honestly though i was suffering from depression....but hey, it's now nearly my 44th birthday and i'm doing much better...sure, life ain't perfect, but really, what is perfect?
so, 2013 will be my year - a new year, a new start and a chance for something else.....
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