yet again, i've let him get under my skin...

yep, you guessed it, another post about FC...

when am i going to learn? when am i going to get to a point where his shit doesn't derail my day? and why, why, do i continue to have him in my life?

all great questions, and for the most part of the last 3 years (not quite, but nearly) i've been not only asking myself these questions, but coming up with (for the most part) the same answers...

and after yet another misunderstanding (i can only assume that's what has happened since he has, in typical FC fashion, gone to ground) which has occurred via email, and at a time when he's about to get on a plane to go away for 2 weeks, i'm left wondering again why i have this man in my life and why i continue to let him get to me...

• truth is - i like him
• i've always liked him
• i always will
• for a time i thought we would be together
• for a time long after i knew we wouldn't i wanted to be with him
• occasionally i sometimes still wish it could be so, although that is increasingly less frequent and i'm far less dreamy about what life with him would actually be like (nothing close to what i'd like it to be is the honest answer to that question)

and in reality, is today's situation really any different to any of the other times he's disappointed me, cut me out or done what he does? not really...

so i need to start asking myself some questions, and working out if i want to continue to be in this relationship with him

i'm torn - obviously, otherwise this would simply not be an issue a number of years down the track

but it is...

and whilst we work together i've found it hard to cut him off...

on some level, he's one of very few people who understand me and how this environment impacts me
i trust him

but every now and again our friendship suffers another (in my mind, and that's possibly something for me to explore) epic fail which seems to materially and fundamentally impact me...and i'm sure he goes on, completely oblivious to all of this...

and yet today, again, i'm hurting....and it seems worsened by the fact that he's going away

so today, the job which would be 3 days a week in Canberra is looking more and more appealing! as i have convinced myself that things with FC just won't be normal or nor that a real split will be possible whilst we still work together...perhaps i need to bust that myth!

one of the many reasons i decided against moving to NYC was family related, and the Canberra job would certainly mean that i get to see more of Mum and Dad - and i'd like that! the job itself (at this stage, and i don't know enough yet) sounds great and right up my alley - an opportunity to decorate a place from scratch even though it would only be a rental (i like the idea i could attempt to do it economically but still make it look amazing)....and of course, escape from here and the cycle that is me and FC...

he's supposed to be picking something up from me before he flies today, but i know he will have done his retreat thing and he won't contact me...that saddens me, but i also know it's him

and all because he asked me for feedback on his cv, i gave him some honest feedback and he's got the shits with me - seriously! if i actually gave him the feedback he really needs to hear, well that would knock him for six - but i won't....and sure, i know i'm not perfect, but i am aware of my shortcomings and am working on some of them...i think he conveniently puts his head in the sand, surrounds himself with women like me (who don't believe they deserve better) and make him feel better...

for the first time in a long time i feel sad and flat and really wish my therapist were around...

oh well! as always, the writing of a blog has helped me to form my thoughts and to sift through them...

the bottom, and sad but true reality of this situation is that, until i change it, it's never going to be different....for it suits him to have me as his friend, his sounding board and someone who will support him...as my friendship is constant

he is, unfortunately as inconsistent as they come...

funny that only a couple of days ago i changed his 'phone name' back to FC - i should have left it at unreliable and inconsistent - because that's what he is...!

enough said, need to get on with my day and i'm going to try and not let it derail the remainder of my day!

ciao x

post being caught out...

do you ever feel that you don't like who you are sometimes? or more specifically that you don't like how you behaved?

this isn't new for me, seems I've been plagued with it most of my life from time to time...

oh well, time to work out the 'to do' list for self improvement in 2015 :-)

 - discretion: and I don't want to make it out like I'm not discreet! most people trust me, and I can be trusted - occasionally (see last post) I say something which lets me down
 - trust: I think I am far too trusting and this sometimes means I say things to some people that I shouldn't (previous post is a classic case of this - although to be fair, on that day, I was feeling woeful with a migraine, so wasn't at my best)...

and these are two very good reasons that I don't think I am suited to the job I'm in, even though, there are many aspects of it that I love...

sigh!

caught out...

and no, this is not a post about cricket, although I could (and will) in due course share my thoughts and feelings in relation to Phil Hughes death...for now, simply, devastating...

so today was my 2nd day back at work after a 4 week holiday - and it's HARD to go back after you've been away for so long, especially when for some time you have been considering leaving...in fact, I would go so far as to say that for as long as I've been at said employer, I've spent more time thinking about leaving than I have about staying...in itself, that's rather a frightening observation and one which perhaps I should give some more thought to in coming weeks/months...

as ever, there is a financial pull, and I'm not proud of that, but one needs money in this life and so whilst I may not be pleased that it's one reason I stay, I'm a realist under this dreamlike (at times) exterior, and walking away from a good salary with nothing to go to, is just not going to assist my levels of stress...instead of worrying about what my boss is going to do next, i'll be worrying about where my next pay cheque will come from...seems a small sacrifice in the meantime to suck it up then until I get a new job...

but I digress! today, and I'm definitely not proud to admit this (and my internal voice is saying "I wonder if you would still write this if the blog were public"...hard to know is the answer) my boss told me that a former senior exec at our company (whom I've never met) had emailed her whilst I was away to ask her for some advice - the advice being that he claims that over a number of years it's gotten back to him that I've said less than complimentary things about him

of course I was horrified, and asked her for his number so I could contact him to a) put the record straight and b) apologise for any misunderstanding...

so, I'm not going to get into the boring detail other than to say in early November I was at a function - I was introduced to a woman who told me she worked at xx, earlier in 2014 I was approached for that role, and withdrew as $$ wasn't anywhere near enough...I congratulated her, and when she mentioned the former exec of my company, who now works at her company, I think I may have said 'he'd be interesting to work for'....

she has played this back to him as 'I would hate to work with him'....and he (or my boss, who read me the email but didn't send it on - and seriously she is prone to both exaggeration and lying) claims that this isn't the first time he's heard such a comment

bizarre! so, whilst I may well have said something which could be misconstrued or taken the wrong way, I am CERTAIN I did not say what has been reported to him...why would I? I don't even know the man...

funny though, is that whilst I don't know him, I do know about his reputation, which wasn't overly positive - sure he was smart and funny and challenged things (I think this is good) but he was also known to have some very unconstructive work relationships at my workplace and be a bit of an arrogant bastard - these are not words I've ever used to describe him to strangers!

so, I feel bad, I do, I feel embarrassed, and I feel caught out...and sure, maybe I'm beating myself up, but in my heart of hearts I know that I can occasionally be indiscreet, and whilst it doesn't come from a malicious place, still, indiscretion is indiscretion and I'm neither happy about that aspect of self nor proud of it...

I suspect, and this may be a topic for my therapist if I can get over the shame, that sometimes I say things when trying to impress others that come off wrong or can be misconstrued, or perhaps, are embellished...the therapist in me is trying to work this out myself...

bottom line is I probably do this when I'm feeling insecure or needing to prove myself: useful to know that about myself and something to work on...

sometimes being caught out is good - sure it can feel a little uncomfortable but really, it's an opportunity to look in the mirror, take stock and decide how to be/behave going forward...

so universe, thank you for giving me this opportunity to become a better person and to live more in line with my values....:-)