so i got to wondering this morning why it is i 'hang on' to things for so long...and i'm not talking about physical things (although i do tend to be something of a hoarder...), no i'm talking about people, my hopes and dreams for them, even when it's clear it won't be...
i think this tends to lengthen my 'grieving period' and i've just started to read an interesting book that one of my bff's let me borrow - it's a contemporary look at grief and basically, i'm not sure i will like nor agree with it, but it's interesting all the same...
and of course, it is challenging to me in that i have found this most recent grief, the loss of the relationship with FC and what i wanted him to be, particularly difficult....
and sure, some of that will be because i am confronted with him every day at work, but there's other stuff going on too, my existential crisis for one, the not being exactly where i want to be in my life (which of course, is part of the existential crisis), but still....this isn't a new theme for me
i hold onto the person, the hopes, the dreams, the memories for such a long time, i get to wishing there was a button i could just simply push to remove them from my mind? is there?
so i'm going to ponder why i do that? part of it might relate to my childhood and relationship with my mother - as it seems it's taken me the best part of 43 years to get that relationship to a healthier place, although i'm not certain i'm totally there, but there has definitely been progress....
i really do take things too personally, i put so much stock in what others think of me, ahead of what i think of me, which leaves me thinking that still there is work to do, to find an internal strength, rather than continually looking for that external validation...fuck!
so on 27th i'm trying something new! one of my bff's, same one who loaned me the book on grief, recommended the CBT centre...CBT has long been recognised as a way of helping people suffering from depression by reviewing negative self beliefs...and let me tell you, i have so many of them it's frightening...so between now and 27th i'm going to try and start a list of them....pretty sad really that i am still hampered by so many negative beliefs that were formed in my childhood....although one thing i am extremely grateful for is the belief i previously held that i needed to sleep with a man for him to like/love me, well that's gone! and FC is a big part of me being able to debunk that one...
FC, yes, there's another chapter there (for another post) but methinks it's pretty much the final one....i really need to just rip that chapter out, burn it and move on! and sure i won't forget him, and i still like him and on some level i'm still hopeful when he's pulled through his selfish phase he may come back, but in the meantime i'm gonna do absolutely EVERYTHING i can to feel better with or without him....so yesterday i had no less than 6 or 7 people tell me how wonderful, beautiful, amazing and special i was, and yet i seem to wrap up my hopes and sense of self in just one person...one unemotionally unavailable and at times, selfish person...yep, really gotta work on this pattern - it's hampered me my whole life (no wonder really, as it's simply me repeating the pattern of my relationship with my mother)....
so today is a new day and basically it's the 5th consecutive day i have woken up feeling good, feeling like that awful cloud that has plagued me for a month or so, has lifted and moved on...
so, lot's of work to do but at least i have a clear idea of where i want to get to and plenty of help to get me there! consider myself pretty fortunate actually...
thank you universe!
have a wonderful day peeps xx
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