veneer...

so last week, the night i blurted out how i was feeling to FC (yep, shouldn't have) he made an interesting comment about always having been able to see through my veneer...

and you know what? i don't think that could be further from the truth actually...coz honestly, if he was someone who was able to be in touch with the emotions of someone else, and really could see through my veneer, then surely he wouldn't have so casually said that he thinks i'm ok....

nope, i am far from ok...

i have had, without question, one of the most difficult 4 or 5 weeks in living memory...i am struggling so badly at times that i wonder how i will keep it all together, i have felt largely disinterested in just about every aspect of my life, finding it very difficult to be enthused about anything and i have cried more in the last 4 weeks than i think i have cried in my whole life, and that is saying something, coz whilst i am not a cry baby, i do cry at the drop of a hat - so many things move me and so crying just seems to come naturally to me...funny coz as a child i was discouraged from crying or showing any emotion - no wonder now that i have finally become comfortable with it (in the privacy of my own home and some people who i trust implicitly)...

and he thinks, because he can 'see through my veneer' that i'm fine...! ha, this should be one more nail in the FC coffin...seriously, and i know that he doesn't really have the sort of emotional intelligence that i would want in a partner, but really? he thinks he can see through it? who is he kidding....funny coz as i sit here and type this i realise that sure i'd like someone in my life, but maybe just maybe i am coming around to the thought that it just isn't him....?

anyway, the coffin - you know the coffin where i am trying to put all of my hopes and dreams (well, the ones i had about him anyway)...and eventually i guess i'll bury it in the ground or burn it - both are rather appealing although the cremation (funny, coz i am so opposed to cremation usually) is way more appealing and of course, has a sense of permanence about it...perhaps i should mentally create such a picture...

and into the coffin not only go the hopes and dreams, but the delusions of a sad 43 year old who really isn't where she wants to be in her life and hoped that he might rescue her...hmmm, very courageous of me to write that publicly in my blog where others will read it...but it's true.  and i don't think i need rescuing, other than from my at times very destructive and negative beliefs, which frankly, are a big part of why i currently feel sad...

beliefs that are just not working to help me, and seem to be holding me back, but worse, allow me to think that someone who isn't suitable for me is someone who could make it all better? but no...i think it's time...

time to really think through these beliefs....things like:
 - can't be happy without a partner
 - can't be successful without a partner

yep true, and it's not like i haven't held these beliefs for years, but seems, since FC and i split (or should I say, since he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship coz i don't feel like i had much say in that decision) well these are the sorts of thoughts that have really made me a) feel like i should work overtime to try and convince him to stay and give it another go and b) generally made me feel like a complete and utter failure...

kinda sad really...so, i think i agree with Sal - this is less about depression and more about some possible adrenal burnout and some maladaptive thinking....

hmmm lots for me to think about and a good friend of mine recently had a very positive experience at the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) centre in Sydney, so i'm going to call them tomorrow...

i'm going to resist medication until it's the last resort! and funny, as i type this and think about a hot shower then bed, i feel good - not jump for joy happy, not exactly where i want to be happy, but ok and happier than i've felt all day....

so perhaps i just need to sit this phase through - feel the grief, notice the negative thoughts, support myself in whatever way possible, but i can tell you, i am soooo not keen to do the medication thing - not only do i not want to become numb, but i also don't want ANY of the possible side effects, sooo another option has to be identified...

and that's just me - i am supportive of anyone else's decision in the same way i hope people are supportive about mine....

anyway, i've rabbited on enough....thank goodness for my blog! it helps me sift through my thoughts, helps me remember where i've been and where i've come from, allows me to say stuff 'out loud' that i might not otherwise say and sometimes, it brings about an amazing epiphany....

not always, and that's not really the point, but as with everything, sometimes there are amazing benefits that we just don't expect!

so peeps, to everyone who's taking a read, thanks for dropping by and wishing you all a fabulous day, wherever you are in the world, and wherever you are in your life...xx