a part of me wants to

yell at him 'leave me alone.  you made the decision to end things, so now you can't have it both ways'....

fuck! typically he texts me when he's been out drinking - i really need him to stop this (and sure, a small part of me is happy to see his number come up on my phone, yes number, not name...I've removed him so that it's much more difficult for me to text him), doesn't he get how unfair it is?

of course he doesn't, he has NEVER understood the impact of his behaviour on me, not sure why i would expect him to get it now....

so tonight's text is telling me when he's free to catch up and have the 'how are we going to be with each other' chat, if i want to...and honestly, based on my body reaction to his message, i'm not sure i should...and of course i might be reading something into it that isn't there, like the fact he suggested anytime at work - at work? is he for real? he clearly has no idea how i am feeling, despite me having made it clear (at least i thought i had)...

he's such a fucking idiot! really....and this is someone i spent 4 months getting to know, dating, having (essentially) a relationship with...really? i'm not sure if that makes me more of the idiot than him, with his seeming inability to comprehend my emotions....perhaps he just doesn't care?

so what i am struggling with right this very minute is twofold:

firstly, how could i have let myself like this man so much? he's not emotionally available, even when he is, it's shortlived and then followed by a complete retreat into his headspace, meaning that at best, he is inconsistent....

secondly, should i really invest any more of my time in this? will having a conversation with him help? will it make things worse? will he be brutal and uncaring and i will i just end up feeling worse about myself and the last 4 months? 

so i guess i best consider what i would want to talk about if i do in fact meet with him...

topics might be: what happened with the ex (even though i really don't want to pry) and how we move forward at work...

but he has been such a prick in the conversation tonight, i am seriously questioning why i would bother??

grief....

is such a strange phenomenon, individual too....meaning that it is so very different for each and every one of us...

Sal reminded me today, when i told her that my mood was all over the place (which of course i know) that i am grieving, and typically, grief (at least for me) is rather complicated (that's actually a technical term, namely complicated grief, which essentially means the current grief isn't limited to just the current loss...long story, but hopefully you get what i mean)....

for me, right now, it certainly is complicated...not only am i dealing with missing FC (in that he had become a part of my daily life), but i'm feeling a bit hopeless with the rug being pulled out from under me as it relates to some of the dreams/hopes i had for him, for us, and then of course, there is the grief that relates to all the relationship endings before this one...yes, as a lot of those were unresolved, or at least, not analysed like things are now, well, in some way, each and every ending, is a reminder of all the previous ones...

but mostly, i am sad because even though FC has repeatedly told me that it's nothing to do with me or how loving, caring, generous, wonderful etc i am, a part of me (the younger me, the me that is struggling with his decision) doesn't believe him and i find myself wondering if i will EVER meet someone who wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them?

i so badly want to share my life with someone, and it seems every step closer, eventually results in ending up back at square one...and i am tired of not getting what i want :-( and sure, maybe i'm doing something wrong, maybe i am still falling for the wrong types of men (this wouldn't surprise me, see earlier post about my antenna!)....yep, emotionally unavailable ones....

so, if anyone knows how to reset the antenna, then feel free to let me know! and what makes this all the more difficult is knowing i have to see him and work with him...yep, really shoulda thought that through more thoroughly...this whole 'throwing caution to the wind' that i do, well, in this instance, doesn't appear to have served me so well....as i am certain that if we didn't work together, getting over him would be so much easier...

oh well! it's saturday night, it's only just clicked past 8.30pm but i think that my welcoming bed is probably the only place where i will feel happier....

nite x

right now i feel

flat, but not inconsolable...

nearly 2 weeks on (really, is that all?) it seems that i am slowly starting to find solace in having my own routine back...and just doing the things that i used to enjoy doing on weekends...seems it was easy to get caught up in things with him, and hoping that 'things' would become a fully blown relationship, and i guess in some way that's why i did invest so much time, but really.....it was probably never going to work...

so having woken up early, and not wanting to get up, i basically got stuck into the reading of 2 blogs: one by kelly buckley (just one little thing - someone i follow on FB, no idea how!) - what an amazing lady.  her 23 year old son was killed a couple of years back and she started on a quest of gratitude to get through it...truly amazing story and i do love her FB updates, every day she is grateful for something, usually small, and it reminded me that when i was doing a gratitude journal (yes, just might start that again!) i did feel happier, even on the very worst of days....so perhaps a timely reminder to be grateful for what i have, rather than to mourn what i have lost or what i don't have...

and sure, i am still hopeful what i want will arrive, but in the meantime, there is plenty for me to celebrate, even though at times, it feels empty without someone special to share it with....time!

so, back to FC, there were just too many warning bells, warning bells i was very very aware of at the beginning, and perhaps should have paid more attention to, but then i guess i wanted to try something new, try out some of the new behaviours, practice what one can't practice in therapy or on one's own...the actual 'being' in a relationship! yep, there's only so much theorising that actually works there...really, you just gotta try it out on someone! and so i did...

and so as i sit here and type this post, i don't feel bereft anymore, i don't even feel sad, i feel kind of nostalgic for the thought that something good might eventuate, and i did very much enjoy the good times, but when all is said and done, and it seems like it is (more on that in a minute) i can count, probably on less than 2 hands, the number of actual good times we had together and times when i felt good about being with him...

and that's actually pretty sad, especially since all up it's been almost 4 months....hmmm! mental note to self: TRUST your instincts, they are usually right! don't OVERLOOK or ignore the warning signs....(unless there aren't heaps of them and you could in fact live with them), don't CONFUSE your projections with the person you are projecting them onto...yep, would have been good to have been a bit more aware of that one!

funny, in my session with Sal today, even she mentioned that she thought it would probably never work, and not because of anything to do with me (god, has she been talking to him??)....and of course, she reminded me that i had in fact told her this at the get go too, so not just her! me too, and yet i let myself knowingly enter into it....

nope, she thinks he is an 'avoidant' (i love all these 'terms' she comes up with...and sure, this won't be her term but still, made me laugh....sounds like some sort of bug repellant! ha) which means that essentially his running away once he gets too close is normal (for him), she also thinks that he has probably been doing this his whole life and so it's normal for him....also, made mention of the fact that on some subconscious level he probably tapped into my 'run towards' energy...hmm! so what is required now is a resetting of my antenna! seems the antenna, from the earliest time in my life, has been tuned into emotionally unavailable people and consequently i've been someone who moves towards, moves away from myself, is hyper responsible for the entirety of a relationship...yep, none of this is sounding too good...

and that is because, essentially, it's not!

so, now the task of letting go the hopes i had for and with FC, trying to re-establish a routine which doesn't include him, letting go of the expectations i have around how we will behave towards me now that essentially we are nothing more than work colleagues (at this stage, i can't see my way to being 'actual friends' with him, at least not now...and who knows if i would even want to go there after the way he has treated me?) and just focusing on me and my life...

one thing i could focus on is the novel, which for months has been rudely abandoned while i pursued my interest in yet another emotionally unavailable man....hmmm! wonder if my experience with FC will influence Lexie's decision - it probably should! and of course, when i wrote Matt into the novel, it was at exactly the time i was questioning whether i should in fact head down a path with FC....mmmm, so question is: have i learned the lesson? and will Lexie have to learn the lesson the hard way, like i did? although Cameron does not have many of FC's traits! and she has amazingly 'hot' sex with Cameron in an alley, the same CANNOT be said for the sex FC and I had!

sooo, lots to focus on...

i can't help but wish

that things were different, and by different i mean either that i felt better (and admittedly, i no longer feel like i am walking under a thick black cloud, it's more like a grey fog, so something of an improvement) or that he would realise that he wants to be with me, and ask me to take him back....

and sure, it's *quite* possible that i will feel better and that could happen, so maybe i shouldn't be wishing for one or the other, nope, i should definitely be wishing to feel better, no matter what the outcome...

but there's that part of me, the dreamer, the hopeful one, the girl who wants so badly to be with someone, maybe even with him, yes right now, him, that wishes he would just come back...

of course i want things to be different! i don't want him to come back with all the same issues he has that have got us to where we are now, namely the baggage of his last relationship, the fear of being hurt etc (although i wonder if that EVER goes away?), the inability to communicate in person, the lack of emotional awareness, the smoking...no i want a slightly changed FC to come back...actually, if the other things were resolved i would probably deal with the smoking!

i do, it's true, and no amount of rationalising all the reasons why we aren't together and all of his reassurances that it is ALL about him and nothing to do with me, yep, they seem so insignificant compared to my hopes and dreams...

which right now, have all been dashed :(

i think it's time

to let go of the hopes i had with FC...

yep, so it seems i am getting used to (slowly) not having him in my life in the way he was, and seems that i am getting better at no contact, although that went out the window earlier on tonight, but of course he's doing his not respond thing, which frankly just annoys me, especially when he said that i didn't respond to him at times...he really doesn't understand how his behaviour is received nor the impact his silence has (and sure, some of that is my stuff, but still...and then the hide to actually suggest i do it...), and sure he's mentioned that he doesn't understand himself or the way he behaves, but i think it's a lame excuse for someone who is 38 going on 39...

last night i really did feel dismantled, upset, missing him terribly, and probably because something happened at work that normally we would have talked about, and we sort of touched on it during a very short meeting, but still, usually we would have had a lengthy chat about it....and i missed talking to him about it

but then of course, whilst he's out drinking, he texts me and a lengthy conversation ensues (see last night's post) and honestly even though i thought about not responding (only because i am really trying to work out what is best for me and how best i can move forward), i did, and i have to admit that in some way i felt better...

and yes, dinner with 'G' and 'Deeks' certainly had helped my mood shift, but i guess a little reassurance that his decision is nothing to do with me, well i guess it helped...

i slept well, woke up feeling happy and light for the first time since it happened (and it's only been 11 days, which doesn't actually seem that long), and consequently had a really good day at work....and then, as the day approached it's close and i realised that i wouldn't see him for a couple of days (which should be good right? not exactly like seeing him at work is a great experience - it's still very clunky, both of us unsure how to behave - that was essentially gist of his texts last night) i felt my mood suddenly sink...

it's been interesting to observe my mood today and to remember how good it feels to actually be happy! the day went quicker, i felt much more myself, didn't feel like i had to 'hide' which is an interesting observation as i have very much felt like i have had to hide since we broke up...and i hadn't realised just how much of an impact that has on me...

hmmm, and funny coz as i think about how i've been feeling, the impact of hiding seems not dissimilar to the impact of not being seen (and of course, essentially they are the same, except one is self imposed and one isn't)...

yes, very interesting!

anyway, another week is over which means i have gotten through 2 weeks at work post it all falling apart, and if i'm honest, i wasn't sure how on earth i would do that...and it has been difficult, in fact, it has been one of the most difficult things i've had to do....

i digress! this post was intended to be me capturing my hopes with FC, so that at some point, i can let them go...and that is going to have to be soon as otherwise continuing to hold onto them is just going to stop me from being able to move on....

so, the hopes i had with FC (and this is pretty hard for me to write so bear with me):

• i hoped that things would continue to move in the direction they had been moving in
• i hoped that we would end up in a relationship based on friendship, especially since we had spent a lot of time getting to know each other
• i hoped that he would leave work so we could have a relationship that we didn't have to hide
• i hoped that when he said 'work through it, we'll end up married or i'll be your best friend', that maybe we would end up married
• i hoped that one day we might move to NYC together
• i hoped that before i went to NYC in October things would be really good between us and that perhaps he might surprise me by just turning up there
• i hoped that i would find myself in a grown up relationship with someone i really thought there could be potential with (i still do, although the more he continues to do the very thing he said he didn't get when i do it, ie the not responding, the more it's going to be easy for me to simply become very angry and lose interest in him)
• i hoped that maybe he would be able to work through his issues so that we could be together
• i hoped that in time he would stop 'moving away' every time he had moved towards, especially when i reflect on just how difficult that was for me 
• i hoped that we might continue to challenge each other to be better, and to grow

so plenty of dashed hopes, no wonder i feel so emotional, so sad, as if the rug has been pulled out from under me...yep, no wonder at all really :-(

i invested so much time in this relationship, in getting to know him, in trying to understand myself more, in trying out new things, in being vulnerable, in going with the flow, in being brave....and i really don't want to end up regretting it or thinking i should have walked away, although when it really hurts, it's easy for me to wish that i had...

walked away that is, as really, even though i had such hopes for what might be with FC and me, i knew that it wouldn't work out how i wanted it to...

and really, whilst i don't want to say i should have seen it coming, or i should have been more circumspect, reality is, i liked (like actually) him, i wanted to see where it could go, i wanted to see if the 'potential' i could see, could actually be something real...

despite all of the signs that perhaps i should have paid more attention to...yes, so i'm responsible too for letting it go so long, but who can blame me for following my heart? i always do it seems, and i don't want to lose that part of myself, but right now, it's not feeling like it has served me....

funny that one of the things he 'loves' about me is that i am 'broken but loving and willing to try'...he's right about that, but i think that in being with him, no matter how painful it all feels right now, i am actually less broken...even though right now, i still feel very raw...

so, next step: find a ritual way of letting go of the hopes....

sad sad sad

nite x

there are times...

when even something a best friend says can be unintentionally really hurtful...so today, in the midst of yet another shocking day, one of my dearest bff's tells me that i am looking for a silver bullet to get over FC...she means all the things' i'm doing, all the people i'm seeing in the hope of finding some solace, and sure, on some level she's right, but today was probably not the best time for me to hear that....

of course, the new Sarah, told her this...of course i promptly felt guilty, but have soon gotten over that...anyway, point stands - what she said, whilst maybe contained some truth, was still pretty hurtful...of course i know she didn't mean it to be, and i know she has only my best interests at heart, but still...

i just knew that FC would text me tonight - not sure how or why, but i just knew...of course he had some news at work today that made him happy (basically his idiot boss resigned), and he told me he would be celebrating with a few drinks (so what else is new?), and i just knew there would be conversation...

so he starts with 'you're a bit hot and cold right now, one day chatty, next day ignoring me, one day texting, next day not replying and i don't know where i stand or how to be around you. are you ok?'...really? didn't i say something similar to him on Sunday evening?

so i tell him i'm not ok, actually really struggling, have taken it a lot harder than i thought i would, not ignoring him but also finding it very difficult etc etc

and so it goes, back and forth until he eventually says 'well i offered to have lunch/drinks so we could discuss it and you didn't seem keen' and 'i am protective of you but i just don't know how to behave'

i tell him it's not that i'm not keen but that he can be brutal at times and i'm not up for that, that he doesn't exactly love talking, etc etc...

then he says 'i think you are blaming yourself and you shouldn't be'...sure, easy for him to say but of course there is a small part of me that believes if he liked me enough he'd try, and maybe he did, i mean, of course he did, until it all got too hard for him....

so i say yes of course, it is what it is...and he says 'you are gorgeous and lovely - i'm broken - end of story'

and i'm supposed to be ok with that? knowing just how much he likes me and yet we can't be together? seriously, that makes it harder for me...harder in one way and in another, i guess, although it so doesn't feel like it, simpler...

and true i'm not exactly spending my time wondering what i could have done differently, in fact, i'm not...the wondering is basically spent on how hurt, sad and disappointed i am, at times, how angry i am, with myself for allowing it to happen and with him, for stringing me along (inadvertently or not, impact on me is the same)...

anyway, i seem to have come down off the ledge, and yes that had already commenced as i had dinner with Mr G Callen and Mr M Deeks

wonder how much of it is him texting me though? and so even though she was brutal earlier, maybe just maybe she's right? and i know on some level she is, but i guess today i just needed to be heard, rather than told...

however, that aside, and you know who you are - i love you and i am so very glad you are in my life xxxx

oh and i love

my friend Leah

who this morning, after listening to me bang on about FC for the entirety of our short lived relationship, told me a story to remind me about why i didn't really want to be with FC anyway...in response to me telling her that i missed him and i felt like by no longer being together i was missing out on something...

i can't really include it here because if FC were ever to stumble across it, it would be hurtful and not exactly something i'd want him to read...

but she's right - i'm not missing out on a great deal - at least not from where she is sitting!

again, now i just have to believe it!

i'm pretty sure FC

ain't coming back...

yep, i think i need to accept that he is just too broken for me, and that no matter how much work he might do (which i don't think he will), even then, i deserve so much better...

so today, he practically ignores me - this from the man who said to me only weeks ago 'go with it, we'll either end up together or i'll be the best friend you ever have'...yep, certainly looking like that right now...

NOT!

anyway, i'm over feeling sad, i'm over feeling like it was anything to do with me, and i just want the old happy Sarah back...

so i'm gonna try and put the sadness of what he has done behind me, try not to dwell on what i could have done differently, coz really, there is nothing i could have done that would change that he is broken (his words), not ready (also his words) and frankly, probably not up to being with someone like me anyway (my words)...

now i just have to believe them...

nite x

mostly good...

is how i would characterise today...

few sad moments, but mostly good...

of course only half a day at work

fish and chip lunch and tea on couch with my childhood best friend

which was nice, talked about a lot of stuff, said a lot of what i wish i'd said last time, unsure where on earth it will go...despite him saying he'd like to just 'see where it could go'...of course, that won't be easy for me given how things with FC panned out, and our history and the fact that he is married...and whilst i don't necessarily think he means in quite the same way, there is an undeniable physical attraction between us...so i have no idea how long we could actually ignore that...

hmmm

anyway, mostly good and best part of entire day was a long phone date with kirst...no idea if you still read the blog babe, but it was GREAT to hear your voice...miss you xxx

nite folks!

so maybe just maybe i'm (from 17 May)

beginning to have an impact on him....since i admonished him for not asking how i was monday (and it's not the first time i've done that), he did ask me how my morning had been when i got in the car with him at lunchtime...!! this is a good sign

hmmm maybe we have progress? although i think he doesn't do it because he doesn't care, he just doesn't think it's important, or perhaps it's simply that he thinks of it as small talk (which he has told me before he doesn't like, and of course, i know this having done his MBTI)

and i have noticed there is a lot more laughter between us now, and i like that...early on it was all so heavy and i want to say forced, but i think it was just uncomfortable as we both worked out what we wanted, and tried to deal with the 'work' thing...yep, it's nice now that we can laugh and smile more with each other, i'm enjoying that...

in fact i'm just enjoying being with him when we are, it's getting more comfortable, i feel as though i am finally starting to let him in, i think we are judging each other less (this is nice), and i feel as though that need to be perfect or compete (not sure i'm clear on what's going on with this, but i'm putting it out there here so i can think about it) is diminishing and what emerges is me....

so i woke up this morning and i really did feel as though i might 'like' him more than i let on at times, and then as i lay here examining the thoughts and feelings flowing through me, i realised that i get that excited butterfly feeling when i think about him...

hmmmm!

ps from 17 may, unsure why i didn't post it!

i'm angry...

really really angry, and maybe that's good? sure, it doesn't feel that good, but it's better than feeling overwhelming sadness and disappointment, and i'm still disappointed, but angry mainly....

so last night, having got through almost 3 days without contact (which was very difficult given the intensity of the last few months), i couldn't help myself and so i 'found' a reason to make contact...to be fair, it was a viable reason, well at least something he'd said he'd share with me when i had time, and i had time...too much as it turns out, as i found myself starting to wallow in self pity...

so i sent him a text telling him how i was feeling - not entirely sure why i did it, but i was feeling so disconnected from him and perhaps it was the universe getting me to see this pattern (that's coming any minute now) once and for all....

he doesn't respond until just now (yes, just now, nearly 24 hours later) and tells me he has no response to it, so i go back with something, and then he becomes brutal FC again - fuck, i haven't seen that side of him for quite some time, and it was quite a slap in the face, and one of the MANY reasons that along the way i cautioned myself about getting involved with this man...

and yet i did! so i'm not sure if i'm more angry at him, or myself...well, actually i am! i'm angry at him...

so tonight, he says he's still happy to catch up and have the chat, as it seems there are things i want to ask him, but he says and i quote 'it won't change things'...as if that even needs to be said, like i don't already know this, and how arrogant of him to think that i necessarily want them to change? and sure, a small part of me does, but an ever increasing (i hope) part of me, is starting to remember why things with this man were so difficult...

of course, that is not also the part of me who decided to jump wholeheartedly into a friendship with him, yes, a 'lets see where things go', a 'go with it, we'll either end up together or best of friends'...well seems he couldn't have been more wrong really? not only are we not together, but based on his current behaviour i can see no way we could possibly ever have a friendship...and sure, maybe he's working on some out dated assumption that he needs to be cruel to be kind, and he probably feels awful that he has previously strung me along (albeit not intentionally) and is very clear that he doesn't want to do that again, but seriously...

so now, now is the time for me to really think about what i liked about him versus the version of him i wanted him to be....hmmm, scary really as after our first 2 dates and him walking away, he asked me what i liked about him, and honestly, i struggled to come up with anything really concrete, and even as i was thinking about what to say to him, i was cringing on the inside....

and sure he does meet some of my criteria: namely has shit together in the work space, earns good money, drives a car, owns own home, good age, intelligent, challenging....but largely he lacks compassion and empathy, he rarely made me feel special, he is rude (as evidenced by today when he turned up late to a meeting, more than 10 minutes late, and not even an acknowledgement to the rest of us...), he often shuts down mid conversation, he can be brutal, he drinks too much, i think he is desperately clinging onto his youth, he smokes (yep, ordinarily this would be an absolute show stopper for me...), most things in the time i spent with him were about him and sure he did some nice things for me which i liked and appreciated, but mostly it was about him - going to his house, meeting at his pub so he could drink, going out with his friends, talking about his work shit...

really? how could i have been so blind? was i so lonely and wanting to be with someone that i convinced myself to overlook some of the basics? the things i really want in a relationship? and the number of times he had me doubting myself with his callous behaviour, and his seeming inability to understand the impact he has on others...

and sure, there were some absolutely fabulous moments, but honestly, if i am brutally honest (and let's be brutal coz he has been so why shouldn't i?) they were few and far between and after almost every one of them, he did a runner....and yet i hung around?

doesn't say a lot for my sense of self, or my sense of being able to honestly assess the situation...and sure his lovely email post the decision and his insistence that it was nothing to do with me and how wonderful and delightful i am, but all about him, and his last relationship and how hurt he was...but it's difficult not to doubt that...

anyway, lots of lessons in this one...yep, he was a fabulous mirror and whilst that has been incredibly difficult, there were some good times, my only regret is that we met at work, so that has somewhat dulled the shiny patina that work was before FC...

however, i am resolved to move forward, to take the learnings and not become closed off...nope, i am determined not to! and there will be days when that seems impossible, but with time and friends, i know i'll be ok...god knows, i've done this 'put myself back together' shit so many times, i should be an expert by now! right? but of course, each time, and each person brings a unique set of emotions and in this case, FC has been a fabulous test for me...

so, recapping, just so when i'm having one of those bad days, i will be able to read back over the blog (as i do) and remember what i have learned:

- i turned up in this relationship
- i did my best to have a voice
- i was clear about what i wanted
- when i was confronted by things he said, i didn't run away
- when it got difficult, i didn't run away, but stayed to try and understand
- i tried very hard not to let the fantasy run me and once i'd done that i really enjoyed getting to know him
- i learned that he liked me, even though i didn't sleep with him (well not right away), which has far and away been the most VALUABLE lesson for me, and one that will help me enormously from here on in, in fact, already is!
- i learned that he liked me, even when i shared with him some of my stuff, stuff i tend not to share and doesn't paint me in the best light
- when i opened up and showed him myself he found me to be wonderful, delightful, loving, caring and generous
- that not everything is about me (not sure i've actually *learned* that or if maybe that is the remaining lesson, coz i'm pretty sure i haven't really got it!)
- that even though you don't like some things about someone, doesn't mean you couldn't be with them, so i guess i learned that just because he wasn't perfect that was ok, which meant i also didn't have to be perfect; and
- i didn't feel like i had to be responsible for the 'entire' space between us, i made him do some of the work

so yes, even though i still miss him, and miss the thought of what might have been, and hate that i'm hurting it was worth it...and i'm sure, in years to come i'll be able to say this with much more gusto, but still, only a week on, i can still see why i met him....

my girlfriend Fran said to me yesterday that the guy who wrote 'he's just not into you' had apparently written some other book talking about break ups and in helping people move on he said something like 'just imagine your future partner is waiting for you to get over the current loss so you can meet him and he really wishes you'd hurry up'...yes, if i thought that were true then i probably would get on with it...on the other hand, i have NEVER been a fan of hurrying through emotions, nor just getting over someone (in fact, i hate that expression altogether)...and of course, when one is in the very early stages of grieving a recent lost love, it seems futile to dream of being with someone else...or is that just me?

so i was angry, but feel better having a) vented here and b) vented to him....he clarified reason for his brutal text (as i expected), and sure it's over, and sure i'm not entirely sure how to 'be' around him, but i don't feel as angry...and that's good, coz i really don't like how intense anger can feel....

and tomorrow, well tomorrow is another day, and one where i'm catching up with my best friend from childhood and i am actually looking forward to seeing him...yay!

ps a good friend of mine just said this to me...how incredibly fortunate am I to have friends like him? “That small part of you .............the bit that thinks 'if I was good enough'? Tell it to F off darling - It is doing you no good at all - Its not true that u aren’t good enough - you are perfect as you are - your friends tell u this - so do people like me - When You are the Authentic You - well you will attract more attention than you can cope with - trust me - I am a success coach - and A good one!!!

i wonder if hating

him would make things easier? i doubt it but I so desperately want to feel better that I'm considering alternatives..... it's times like these when it hurts so much and there is no apparent end in sight to the sadness that I begin to question if the universe really has my best interest in mind.... I don't know what to do with my anger towards him, with the disappointment I feel and with the cloak of sadness that seemingly won't leave me.....nope, no ideas right now :-(

not for the first time

i feel fobbed off, and sure in this instance it's probably absolutely nothing, but in my vulnerable and sad state, it's how i feel...

so after his text message on thursday night saying he'd had a chat to the guy at work who sent him the text message asking if he was nailing me (not my words obviously!)...i finally get curious...

or is that really true? is it more than i was sitting here feeling sad and missing him like crazy and i wanted to reach out, well maybe it's a bit of both, and like almost every other time when i have done this (with him anyway, bar one time that comes to mind), i feel like he's dismissed me...

and sure, maybe he doesn't want a reminder of what he's left behind, maybe he doesn't actually want to talk to me since i've asked for space and time, or maybe he just really was busy...but i feel completely fobbed off...

and sure he says it's not a text conversation - which is pretty funny really as almost the entirety of our relationship when not together was done by text, never phone (he hates the phone - well sometimes the phone, but more often than not text or face to face, although by his own admission, he's not a good talker until he's had a few beers...)

yep, there's some signs for me here, i'm just too sad and wrapped up in my hopes to see them...

my hopes...yes, and as i type that i wonder exactly what they are? right now, i just hope to wake up and feel some sense of being Sarah and perhaps that this overwhelming sadness will disappear...

my hopes that, despite some of the very real concerns and signs, that he does the work and he comes back...of course even as i type that i wonder if it is what i want...sure, right now it feels like it is, but it's only been a week, and i miss him, so i'm still possibly in shock, but really? even he said that on my shopping list for the perfect man i should include someone who deals well with emotions...and yes, that definitely has to be on there...

so why is it then, that even though there are some things about FC that don't fit with my so called ideal man, i still like him and thought there could be something there? and now we are at the very pointy end of this discussion with self...

hmmm, deep breath: is it because i still don't believe i'm worth it? i was thinking back to the time before Ben and i got together and how sad/lonely i was feeling - i won't say desperate, as i don't really see myself as desperate (as evidenced by the fact that i have never been one of those girls who is always *out there* looking for a man), i am however a romantic and someone who believes in love and hopes that one day i will meet someone who wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them, that one day i will meet my soul mate and that i will fall in love again....yep, so perhaps i'm a dreamer and a romantic, but desperate no...however i digress...coz not long before FC showed an interest in me, i was feeling a similar way (namely lonely)...

so, i wonder if this is a pattern and one of the learning's that FC has been sent to teach me...? could it be?

and as i'm typing this i stupidly go and check out what song he's posted today only to see a photo of the completed renovations - what a complete mind fuck that is...i feel so excluded from his life now, and sure, i never felt as included as i would have liked to have been, but now i feel so much on the outside....it sucks and i'm really sad, and even though i said i wouldn't question myself and he has asked me not to (meaning this whole thing is really all about him and his issues), well how can i help it?

i feel like if he liked me enough, maybe he would try, maybe he would sort out his shit, maybe he would be willing to take a risk...so maybe, he just doesn't like me enough? and that just makes me feel sad and worthless...and of course i have a fear (yes, it's a fear) that he's going to be able to put what happened between us and me behind him much more quickly than me, and it won't be long until i hear that he's met someone....and sure, i have no evidence to support this, but it seems i'm always the one left behind - how does this continue to happen?

i was hopeful that Bec was right - she said after our session last night i shouldn't feel the despair of the last week or so, but tonight (and sure, texting him was probably not a sound idea) i just feel so very sad....to think that this time 2 weeks ago we spent simply the nicest evening together, and now, nothing.....

i'm so not coping....i don't know what to do, and sure, each time a relationship ends i feel this way, and each time, i get through, but this feels different somehow, similar too, but different....

so universe, if you are listening, please please please help me be ok soon, i don't want to feel this sad.....

his loss...

yes i'm working overtime to try and convince myself that this whole thing is his loss

sad thing is: it's not really working...

and sure, i think it IS his loss, but i am also grieving...

i'm missing what had become our routine of contact, i'm missing talking to him, i miss the the idea of watching tele with him cuddled up on the couch, i miss the fact that we won't make risotto together again (that was a lot of fun), i miss that he would do stuff for me and now i'll have to either do it myself or find someone else to do it, i will miss kissing him and lying in his arms....

yep, so whilst i think it absolutely is his loss, i am also grieving some stuff too...

and not just the stuff outlined above, but the hope, the hope that it might have developed into something really special with FC, the hope that we might end up together...

however, as i recounted this to Leah, she reminded me to think about the stuff i didn't like and the stuff i won't miss, but that just isn't working...

consequently, i am sad tonight and not looking forward to having to see him at work tomorrow, when for the first time in months, it will have been 2 days of absolutely no contact...

and if i'm honest, i'm afraid that he will pretty quickly forget about me, and how good things were between us (when he was present and not doing a runner), and eventually my remaining 'hope' that he might sort himself out and give us a chance, well, it will probably die too...

and i'm just not ready for that yet...

so yep, sure i can try and make myself feel better by saying it's his loss over and over and over again, but right now, that's just not cutting it...

so many things....

i want to say to FC

to Chris, although I have not yet found the inspiration to write the things I asked him to read before we meet up on Tuesday....no doubt there is some meaning in that? perhaps it's just not that important to me? now that I've worked through a big part of the impact he had on me with FC, maybe there's not that much to say?

hmmm not entirely sure

what I do know is that there are HEAPS of things I still want to say to FC but of course I've told him we need time and space so for now at least, it seems he has stopped texting me....and whilst I miss contact with him I also know that the quickest way for me to heal is to not have to constantly be bombarded with texts from him....of course I did just text him a quote that someone sent to me, as it seemed so much more appropriate for him....the old me would beat myself up for making contact with him, but it is what it is and just because we aren't together, doesn't mean I no longer like him, think about him or care about him......

and maybe there are still a lot of things I need to say to myself, in the form of reminders....yes, things such as a penchant I have for romanticising situations, the tendency I have to overlook things that later end up being critical, the desire perhaps to be with someone so much that I can't see them objectively and consequently overlook things that are actually important to me or ignore things that I don't really like.....

hmmm yes, so perhaps person I need to talk to most is my self, go figure!!

all in all

it hasn't been a bad day...started with a long long sleep (well overdue - seems the last few weeks of drinking with FC, as well as the emotional roller coaster i've been on, have taken their toll)...i probably should have gotten up and gone for a walk in the beautiful winter sun, but just didn't have the energy for that...

therapy, something of a BIG session today....then a wee bit of running around doing errands, then home for some couch time, then up to Curly for my crystal healing session with Bec....

then home, an episode of Dixie (i'm not going to be happy when i finish all 22 eps...) and now my blog...

and until now, when i looked at FB, i felt good...not happy, fabulously ok good, but good...feeling like the pain of the last few days has finally subsided, and sure i'm still sad, and i miss him terribly, so much so at times it takes every ounce of will power i could possibly conjure up not to text him...i so want to, but them i remember why we aren't together...

and we aren't together because he's not ready to be in a relationship, even though he likes me, a lot...yep, so i'm having to be strong because he wasn't courageous enough to just follow his heart...that just doesn't seem fair now does it?

Sal (my wonderful therapist) commented on how similar my life was right now to Nina's - she knows I love Offspring, and she thought there were some very strong parallels...and she's right....guy at work, gone pear shaped, makes work hard etc etc, although one thing i think i can be sure of is that FC won't come running back...nope, i don't think he has it in him, and try as i might not to make that about me, it still saddens me....

but one thing i did realise today (and Sal helped with this, coz even though it was a very emotional session and one where i know she was moved by how i am feeling) is that i 'turned up' in this relationship, yes i did...no sitting on the sidelines or trying to be perfect or taking responsibility for it all, nope, a lot of what i've been working on in therapy over the last year or so (possibly longer) seemed to get a 'run out' in my relationship with FC....

i was me, i was vulnerable, i wasn't perfect, i didn't do the fantasy thing (well, not after our first false start), i went with the flow, i didn't feel the need to control it or know exactly where it was going, i didn't sleep with him, i let him see the sometimes crazy/unbalanced side of me...and yet, through all of that, he likes me...go figure!

so it hasn't all been in vain, and sure i'm sad and can't imagine being with anyone else, but i'm sure he was (as i have said numerous times before) the test run...and there is a part of me that wishes he wasn't just the test run, that he would be 'the one' (admittedly Bec thinks there is soul mate energy between us, although she's not sure we'll end up together) but there is a part of me, that as each day goes by, is starting to consider that *perhaps* he isn't....and i so wish i could find my list...

yes, the list i wrote about what i want in a man, the list i wrote only 4 days after my split with Ben...funny to think that in the midst of absolute despair i could be so very clear about what i want, and two and a half years down the track, i doubt it would be much (if at all) different...

mental note to self: find that list

and so, as my first saturday without FC, and without any contact from FC comes to an end, i feel ok, not good, not bad, not happy, not sad, a bit nostalgic and wondering what might have been, and missing talking to him...on the other hand i'm not missing the fact that at any given moment he might retreat into his head and shut me out...and sure, there were a lot of wonderful times with him, times when i sensed he had so much to offer, but there were also many many times where his behaviour made me doubt myself, did not make me feel special and at times, frankly was just rude and immature...

yes, a small part of me, regrettably thinks that even though i would have liked a very different outcome with him and I, he just isn't grown up enough for the sort of relationship i want...and when he says he had misgivings about being able to give me what i wanted, i can see why....

that said, i'm a wee bit sad, so will crawl into bed, hopefully lose myself in a good book, and hope that the sun is shining on me tomorrow...

nite world x

one of the things

he liked, admired even about me was that even though i'm broken, i'm loving and wanted to to give things a go, but you know what? right now, i feel so very unhappy and disappointed that it really doesn't feel like it was worth it....

i miss him so much, even though his behaviour towards me at times was just downright selfish, i miss him....

i feel like something is missing and like i'll never feel happy again, and sure it was hard to get through 5 days having to see him, talk to him, and maybe i'm just tired

i just want to crawl into bed, and sleep for months, or at least until it doesn't feel so bad....

i can so understand why some people vow never to let themselves get into a situation where they could get hurt again, and sure i've done that for short periods of time, but honestly, i don't know if i want to do this again...

i give so much of myself and i throw myself into things, and for what?

sure, there have been some lovely times, sure i wanted to just go with the flow and see where it ended up, but right now, i wish i had just walked away....

i often think that each relationship ending is similar and yet different to the one before, but there is something very different about this one, and perhaps it's because it felt, in many ways, like my first adult relationship, and i tried so many new things...

but fuck, why must it hurt so much?

sad...

is pretty much the only word i have right now...

sad, disappointed, sad, yep, that sums it up really

as if it's not bad enough that i am heart broken, then i have to see him at work, and not only do i have to see him at work, but it seems he keeps coming up with reasons to see me, talk to me...

deep breath...and sure, when i first realised i had a crush on him, or at least had *some* interest in him, that was nice, but now that i'm trying to put it all behind me (and not because i want to, but because he has drawn the line), well, it's bloody hard...

i'm glad i'm busy right now coz mostly the days go by in a complete and utter blur...there is just so much to do, and good stuff too, so i'm enjoying the work, but honestly, i really do sometimes wish i could wake up when it will no longer hurt...and i have no idea when that will be, but since it's only been a few months, it may not take that long

on the other hand, because i have to see him EVERY single day, perhaps it'll take longer?

dunno, all i know is i'm sad, i miss talking to him, i miss hanging out with him and right now all i can think is that this time last week we'd had dinner, were snuggled up on couch and very soon we would sleep together for the first time...

and then, less than 2 days later, he's had something of a freak out and behaved like a complete and utter bastard, and then, just as quickly as it all seemed to start, it's finished....

so yeah, i'm sad...not inconsolable, as i have been many times before, but overwhelmingly sad...somehow things with FC seemed different, i feel as though i had *done* a lot of my work with him, that i'd worked through some of the dysfunctional relationship patterns and beliefs with him, i'd gotten to know him before sleeping with him (this a first), and for the first time ever, i'd managed to keep the fantasy at bay and not entirely go into sabotage mode...

so yeah, i'm sad, not just because he is no longer around and i miss him, but because i liked him enough to try this stuff on him, and he responded so well - he didn't run away when i told him about the Chris stuff, he didn't run away when i was defensive (i can be when i'm nervous or scared of showing my real self), he didn't run away when i challenged him, i challenged him (this is also new)....so there were so many positives for me in the time we spent together...

and the added plus that i actually thought there really might be a future with him, despite the drinking (he drinks way too much), despite the smoking (which actually i think i really really dislike), despite the lack of capacity for anything resembling an emotional conversation (yep, pretty sure in the long run that would do my head in), and despite his tendency to run away and shut me out (yep, really hated that), yep, despite all of these things, there were many good things about FC and me...

and yet...:-(

the voice...

and i'm not talking about reality tv, no i'm talking about my voice...seems it is getting stronger with each passing day...

so re Chris, i told him in no uncertain terms this morning after a very suggestive text that i would not go down that path with him again and that i thought it only fair he tell me his motives for getting in touch - he insisted it was 'to say hello'...

hmmm, we'll see! i'm not sure he is someone who is even remotely trust worthy and add to that the obvious attraction between us that's existed for over 30 years now (fuck, that makes me sound very old!), well, i doubt his motives are that innocent...a so called happily married man, who won't be seen having lunch with me, yeah, innocent my arse....so we'll see if i end up catching up with him next week or not

right now, jury's out! i think it might be good to meet up, and talk as adults and by this i mean me, as last time he turned up i was very vulnerable and still very much running a fantasy about him...now of course, it's only days since FC and I decided to call it quits and so i'm vulnerable again, but not in the same way...and of course, FC and things with FC have allowed me to develop a much stronger voice..

funny, for someone who actually has a strong voice, it seems somewhat ironic to me that my voice in relationships has been so quiet, so subdued, and at times, non existent...

seems i found my voice with FC today (and i so wish i could refer to him by his real name now - FC no longer is how i think of him although all my friends call him that) too...i had a very tough day at work, not aided by having a very good 1:1 sesh with him to work through something, one where it was so obvious to us both how well we get on and how much potential there is there...and then we had a meeting later in the day and by then i could hardly keep the tears at bay, sitting next to him just nearly broke my heart....

obviously concerned he texts me tonight to ask how i am and after a few msgs back and forth where he tells me he knows i'm upset, he is too, that he misses me, that it's difficult to see me at work and how much potential he sees between us which only makes him beat himself up, i tell him that i need some space - after all it's only been 3 days and he needs to work out what he wants and i need to be able to move forward...and you know, it was so hard for me to do that, as i have always made myself available to him, but i think now is the time to pull back, to move away - how else is he EVER going to work out how much he misses me and if he wants something more?

so, it's done and i feel strangely ok...and sure it'll come and go, the feelings of sadness and missing him, but it will get easier...surely, it'll get easier...

anyway, point of the post was really this: seems Sarah has found her voice...yay!

and now for part two...

just when you thought the universe could do no more, could not send you another curve ball to deal with? well that's exactly the time that the curve ball arrives...

so today, at 4.30pmish, after what had largely been a shit day, one with a few unwelcome confrontations, a day where the sadness of last night seemed to want to linger far longer than i would have liked, a text message from a number i didn't recognise arrived....

yes, just 2 days after FC and I call things quits, Chris, yes you know who i mean, texts me...after more than a year of silence...

imagine my surprise when i see it

first thing i noticed is that i did not get the all too familiar rush that i used to get when i saw his name, and admittedly i didn't see his name until i read the message, which he had signed off 'Chris', but still, no rush

yay! pretty sure that's a fabulous sign...

curiosity yes, intrigue yes, but no rush....

so i texted back, told him i was surprised to hear from him, asked how he was...coupla text messages later and i call him (texting is starting to bore me - maybe i'm growing up!) - we have a nice chat actually, catch up on the last year, asks me if i'm ok, said he wasn't sure i'd want to hear from him even though he thinks of me every time he's at the airport and has been wanting to call for a while...

funny, a few weeks ago i posted that i had an overwhelming desire to contact him too, but probably not for the same reason he wanted to contact me (which he hasn't exactly revealed yet, even though i suspect there is an underlying and frankly, untoward rationale)....nope, i wanted to yell at him remember? i wanted to ask him if he knew what he had done?

so we agree to catch up (actually it was my idea) as i still have this thinking that there are things to 'sort out' between us - of course, on reflection i'm not exactly sure *what* those things are....perhaps it's the remnants of the fantasy i had running with him? who knows...

so tuesday next week is pencilled in, i told him clearly that if i make myself available he better not mess me around (this is typically his thing)....and then, not unsurprisingly he suggests that we bring an end to the longest foreplay ever...hmmm

and now i know why i stopped talking to this man, and sure i'm attracted to him (well i was last year, may not be now, especially as thoughts of FC are still so fresh and my attraction right now is pretty much all focused on FC - also futile, as he doesn't want to be in a relationship!) but i'm pretty sure i am not contemplating anything other than a drink, a chat and perhaps for me 'putting some stuff to bed', no pun intended...

so, i've asked him what his motives are in contacting me - and i know him, this'll be confronting for him so perhaps he'll go silent and i won't have to worry about his motives...

we'll see!

so, what do you make of that? seriously, universe what are you up to? i suspect his appearance is yet another lesson - another in what seems to be, of late, a very very long list of 'em? is this true?

if so, i'm going to do my level headed best to work this lesson out and get it done with...

it must be a lesson, right? yes i'm sure it is...just gotta work it out a long with the other lessons that are FC related...

makes me tired thinking about how much 'mental energy' this is going to take! hmmmm

first things first...

today did not really start all that well...after a short text/email exchange last night where he said he would leave me alone now, and let me dictate what 'relationship' we have from here coz he was in charge last time and messed it up, i felt like well, it's the only way...distance and space is what's required here

and this is so NOT like me, well the old me, the me who felt the need to 'do' something, to take responsibility for the entire space between me and someone else, but you know what? i think that's exactly what's needed...

i need the space and the distance to get back into my life, to get my groove back, to rediscover the life that was mine before he showed up (and this is not to say that life hasn't been good whilst he's been around, but it has been stressful, something of a roller coaster, contained way too much uncertainty and times when i doubted myself)....at least i can now regain some of my former composure and throw my energy into myself, my friends, the stuff i love doing, the stuff i love doing that hasn't even got a look in as the whole thing with him has been very intense...

that said, i do miss him...i'd be lying if i didn't....had to have our first meeting together today, and sure it went ok, but it's not easy to sit across the table from him, see him and not feel some sadness for where things have been and where they are now....

so i'm doing the only thing i know how to do: just try and move on (and i don't mean get over - as i truly hate that expression) with my life...making appointments with friends, thinking about something other than FC, realising that even though i enjoyed the time we spent, it would often not leave much time for anything else, so now i'll have more time to reflect, to exercise (desperately need that), to write, to do the stuff that has been 'waiting' around the house for months...

yes, not wondering whether he wants to be in a relationship with me, or spending time hoping he might, is going to free up a lot of time...which in some ways is a good thing! i haven't managed to read a book in months, i haven't put finger to keyboard as it relates to the novel since just before we started dating, i haven't done my tax, i am yet to put a whole stack of stuff on ebay (that's been sitting there since January...oops!), and well, i'm sure there are heaps of other things....so yes, it's time to reclaim some 'me' time...

and it's easy as i sit here right now to feel very positive about it all, and i know there will be bad days, but honestly, i don't feel that bad...someone mentioned to me today that incredibly i seemed 'upbeat' and given it's only just 48 hours since it all went down, i'm pretty pleased with that, and pretty happy with how much the work i have done has helped me....

i'm trying not to spend too much time wondering how he is; this is something i have struggled with in previous relationship breakups - the desire to 'move towards' them even after it's over to see if they are ok...well, not this time, and it's difficult for me not to as i care deeply about him, but i really need to stay here, stay with me and what i need and just look after me...

i can't help but occasionally read his beautiful email to me though - it does in some ways knock my socks off - he does have (when he wants to) such a capacity for emotion that it saddens me i've met him at a time when he's not ready...what is that?

anyway, first things first was really to imply that there will be a part two tonight, which is so totally unrelated (or is it?) to this post....

and of course i really

don't hate him...how could I? sure he didn't behave that well saturday night, but still, i don't hate him....

just sayin'

an element of relief....

is what i'm feeling right now, and sure i've had the best night's sleep i've had in ages so that may just be how i really feel when not fuelled with alcohol or tiredness, but still, i feel a little relieved....

when i woke up @ 4am it occurred to me that in the time i spent with FC, there were so FEW times when he made me feel special or that he really wanted to be with me, often ambivalent and cold until he'd been drinking...and sure, it was easy to over look that in the early stages of getting to know each other, but it became an increasing concern for me, and what i'm clear on now, is that being with someone who needs alcohol to become more attractive to me, is just not healthy....

and sure, i understand the need sometimes to loosen up, and god knows, in my time with him, i have done a lot of drinking (not to the point of writing myself off however), but still, it's a concern...

i feel relieved that my days and nights will no longer be over taken with wondering what he's going to do, and whether he's going to run away, the ambiguity has disappeared essentially, and whilst the realist in me knows that every new relationship has an element of ambiguity about it, there was a lot more in this one, and it just really did my head in...

the inconsistent behaviour, the forgetfulness (i'll come back to that), the moving towards, then running away when i moved towards, the coldness, the radio silence, the dropping out of conversations that didn't seem over...yep, it's something of a relief that i won't have to deal with that for now...

and sure, i'm going to miss the good stuff, and there was some really good stuff...i don't mean to paint a one sided picture at all, as i really do like this man, and i liked the idea that there could be something between us, and i liked that for once, i went with it, and tried to 'accept' some of the things about him that i normally wouldn't (perhaps there's a big lesson right there...!)...

so, the forgetfulness, yes, best i give that a mention....so whether it's intentional or not, he seems to occasionally forget conversations, things i've said or worse, things he's said...guess it could be linked to the alcohol, but i'm not sure....anyway, it's disconcerting and it hasn't helped my sense of self when with him....

anyway, it's now nearly 8pm so i made it through an entire day, and an entire day at work - wasn't sure how that was going to go, but just being me (happy, smiley, chatty) seemed to really help! there is just no point in me being miserable and withdrawn - then i miss out on all the lovely things that seem to happen when i smile...

more to follow, and a response to consider....oh yes, did i mention, that following my email to him of late yesterday he wrote me a response, that frankly, i could not have anticipated...so much so, it made me cry when i read it for the 2nd time...seems FC really does have a big capacity for feeling and empathy, even though he can't do it face to face...

fuck, that's going to make things more difficult...would be so much easier if i could hate him...hmmm

how quickly things

change...

so i just re-read the post i wrote before i saw him saturday, yep, the one where i thought things had moved to an entirely different level...only to see it crumble before my eyes less than 12 hours later...

how dare he put me through that...shame he doesn't have as much courage as the man i see myself with...yep, real shame, and as the fabulous ppl in my life keep telling me 'it's his loss' and sure it's easy to console myself with that thinking, but you know? it really IS his loss...

anyway, really am going to bed now!

the positives...

and yes, i know, it's pretty early on, but i can think of at least 2 positives in what has been an otherwise craptastic day...

firstly, i'm relieved to not have to be wondering anymore about whether he'll make contact, whether he will run away...nope, he has run away so there is now at least likely to be way more time available for me to do the things i love and want to, rather than allowing myself to be drawn in to the drama that was my relationship with FC; and yes, that's my shit, but i seemingly can't resist....

secondly, better now, than in a few months when i'd fallen in love with him...and sure, i can't be certain i would have fallen in love, especially given his penchant for running away, shutting me out and going silent at times (not to mention the drinking, which i think is very close to being a real issue, and the smoking, which i've tried to ignore, but i really don't like it...), but still, better now than later

thirdly, my friends! my trusted, beautiful and supportive friends - thanks for being you, for being there and for being with me through this....i love you

so, FC if you had stumbled across the blog and you read this, know a few things: i don't regret what we had, even though i'm hurting right now, perhaps you running away is all part of the universe's grand plan for me and perhaps, as a number of my nearest and dearest have suggested you were the test run, the experiment...the one for me to work out some of my stuff with before my mr right turns up....however, that said i will miss you and the time we spent together, i'll miss hanging out with you and watching our tv shows, i'll miss lying in your arms and getting your texts....but i won't miss knowing that ultimately you were never ready to be with me and what that did to my sense of self...nope, won't miss that at all..

nite!

there really are no words...

for how much his behaviour of the last day or so has hurt me...

and my meltdowns of earlier in the week, well, yes, i guess they were a heralding of what was to come....and sure, i knowingly let myself go down this path with him, but honestly, i was really hoping for something different...

so, he essentially forgets that we have plans yesterday, i finally text him at 3.30pm to ask him what time he's picking me up...he says 'you're expecting me?'...yep, imagine how that felt...he comes to get me, when he does i ask if i'm staying, he says 'if you want to', so i pack my things (perhaps shouldn't have but of course i don't have a crystal ball now do i?), we go back to his, meet his mate, get a cab to pub and watch rugby...he seems a bit tense initially (how familiar is this sounding) but as soon as he's had a few, he loosens up - hugs me in public, quite considerate, the usual...cuddles me in cab back to his pub, we kiss etc, then the very milli second we are back at his, he ignores me...no goodnight, no hugging in bed, nothing....

this morning i just know he keeps rolling over to go back to sleep to avoid talking to me - i eventually ask him what's going on and his response is 'not talking' and he hides under the doona like a child....

he gets up, leaves me in bed, i stew for a while, meet him in lounge, tell him we need to deal with this like adults, and eventually he says 'seems like we are in a relationship and i don't want to be'....

as if i hadn't worked that out? and only 2 days after sleeping with him, yep, just simply awesome timing, but you know, that isn't the worst of it, no it's the absolute sheer disregard for me or my feelings, the rudeness and callousness with which he behaved towards me last night and the complete and utter inability to even think that a) he's done something wrong or b) that i might be hurt...

so i am hurt, i'm angry, i'm disappointed, i'm somewhat saddened that i have (having made some very unsatisfactory first impressions of this man) allowed myself to get hurt by him a 2nd time...

and sure, it's been fun (for the most part) getting to know him, letting him get to know me, we've had a lot of fun, there's been a lot of learning for me, there's been plenty of uncertainty too and ultimately i think that's because i knew that today would eventually come, that eventually, this man, who i really wanted to give things a shot with, would have the courage to want to be with me, and get over whatever notion he had of 'not wanting to be in a relationship', and quite frankly, only a couple of weeks ago this same man couldn't bear to not see me every night, and now we are here?

incredulous really although of course i'm not surprised by where we have ended up, and yes i'm glad that this happened now rather than in say another 2 or 3 months when i may well have fallen in love with him...

but seriously, i am so not happy....it's hard for me not to wonder what it is about me that has made him make this decision, but there is an ever growing part of me that knows it has NOTHING to do with me...this is about him

and whilst i'm on the topic of him, there are and were always some VERY big concerns...not the least of which is his drinking - so one thing i noticed last night was just how trashed he allowed himself to get - this is not the behaviour of a happy, well adjusted, 38 year old man...and this morning, after he's announced to me that he isn't where he wants to be, he starts using the childish voice he sometimes used when we were together (that just smacked of being with Ben, and i know that isn't something i want in my relationship)...

so yes i'm sad, and i'm hurt, i'm very very hurt, and i'm disappointed, but i think ultimately, the loser in this scenario is him...i don't think he is someone who wants the sort of relationship i want, i don't think he has the emotional maturity or awareness to be in an adult/equal relationship, and sure, maybe i'm just saying this to make myself feel better (it's not really working, for the record), but i actually think it's true, and then there's the selfishness, the smoking, the lack of interest in discussing feelings...yep, all of these were surely not going to be things i could just simply overlook?

no, probably not, and yet i found myself willing to do that...guess there were many things about him i liked, but when i reflect on them, they pretty much all came down to 'doing'....and so whilst his acts of service for me (even today, after the conversation, he dropped me home and spent 3 hours downloading something i wanted) were lovely and i did appreciate them, i think i am clear now that i want to be with someone who can also provide some emotional support, and sure, i am learning that you can't have everything in a relationship, but some modicum of it, is surely not an unrealistic expectation?

ok, well, rant over, i'm tired, i've cried enough for one afternoon so now i'm going to make tea, grab heat pack and place myself on couch in front of tv for some mind numbing entertainment...

locked and loaded?

hmmm, so this is his response when i ask him about tomorrow his response is 'i thought it was already agreed, locked and loaded'...and of course he's right - we discussed it and to him, it's a plan! oh dear, i really really really like this man...he was adorable last night...plenty of cute talk, compliments flowing and lots of kissing...hmmm, seems he might be quite taken with me :-)

so it's been an interesting week! yep, seems the chain of events has taken a turn that i wasn't expecting, and sure, it's not like i'm surprised it's finally happened, but i guess i didn't expect it to happen this week...

so wednesday, i realise that we have no forward plans and that doesn't make me feel good exactly...and as i'm on the way to a work function after work, he calls me, yes you read it correctly, calls me! this is atypical as usually we text...

we have a nice chat, talk about out respective days and then i tell him that i've realised we have no forward plans - he responds with something like oh yes, you're right, i'm sorry and promptly makes a plan for saturday (which i take to include saturday night, and a likely sleepover)....

then only a half an hour or so later he says he's free thursday night for tv if i want to catch up...of course, i want to catch up - is he mad?

sooo he meets me at mine after tennis, we have dinner, do our usual couch/tv thing, and of course he stays (having had a few drinks earlier and brought a bag!)..and after an hour or so in bed, i have an overwhelming urge to kiss him, i do and well, you know the rest...

shit! didn't really see that coming, not last night anyway...and i'm reminded of Sex and the City when i try and  describe it...it was nice, and good, and could improve (of course, the first time often isn't the 'best' sex one is going to have with a new partner)...but still, it was nice...

OMG! i'm in a bit of shock - seems like a long time between drinks, and that's because it is! was all a bit surreal today...imagine sitting next to him in a meeting when only hours before we've been in the throes of first time sex...yep, weird indeed....

and now, i'm so so drunk after a fabulous night on the town with my team - dinner at the Malaya, followed by karaoke (yes, you read that correctly) and then dancing at the Bristol Arms - oh dear - i am so NOT going to feel well in the morning - oh that's right, it already IS the morning! oops...

so, things seem to have moved to a different level and i am really looking forward to seeing him tomorrow...

nite!

standing in his shoes...

is something that Sharon, my fabulous massage and reiki therapist, did tonight...

so she wanted the update on the weekend's events, and after i told her and after i shared with her the emotional roller coaster since he dropped me home, she made me listen to things from what she considered 'might' be his side of it...

and of course, i hadn't given that a thought - and not because i don't care, or because i don't want to know how he's feeling (god, more often than not, i so wish he would share what he's feeling, but that's just not him) but more because anything i 'make up' about what is going on for him, is just that....MADE UP, and it would do me very well to remember that!

so as we are part way through my weekly massage, which today included an amazing energy clearing reiki session (wow!), she asked me what happened in the lead up to me feeling so unsure and frankly, so unhappy...

i recounted how things went, told her about moving to couch and asking him to drop me home...and she has put to me a line of thinking i just HAD NOT considered! perhaps he was disappointed i didn't want to hang around with him all day? perhaps he took it to mean that i wanted to get out of there?

shit! really? and sure i don't know, and she doesn't know, but i guess it's possible that after our lovely evening/night together, he too, may have been feeling vulnerable? just because he doesn't express his feelings like i do, doesn't mean he doesn't have them? and it's not like he could be so sure of himself? nope, in fact, our very first fight (way back in April when things had abruptly ended and he'd run away and then we had what was to be our 'final chat', yes the one that turned it all around) he couldn't really understand why i liked him, and maybe that was a hint about his vulnerability?

anyway, what i do know is this: reiki really helped clear the blockage - Sharon said that there was a massive block in my root chakra (now gone), and so having cleared that i started to feel me again, grounded, ok, in my space, happy with the 'wondering what will come next' etc etc

and sure enough, post my massage, he's sent me a text asking how my day was...this from a bloke who only recently had to be 'reminded' (that's the nicest way i can put it) that it wouldn't kill him to ask me how i am!

so i'm going to take myself to bed, having had really a very scary day, one where it seems all of my demons came to the fore, no amount of self talk could remind me what an amazing person i was, and how worthy i am...nope, all self esteem left the building...actually, it kind of scares me how quickly this happens to me in the early stages of a relationship...definitely something to keep an eye on and to bring up on Saturday...

but for now, i am going to crawl into bed, pick up a good book, think positive thoughts about FC and me, and go to bed thinking of falling asleep in his arms....

nite FC! oh, and everyone else!

ok it's official, i am a drama queen...

yep, i am! so this needs to be top of the list when next i see Sallyanne, as i have a tendency to a) read something into nothing and b) take things WAY too personally...and sure, she will say, as she always does, that this will have, at some point previously, served me, protected me etc etc, and i'm inclined to agree, but now all it does is derail me and stop me from being able to bask in the glow of something that was actually really bloody nice

and that's what yesterday was, and this morning...without a doubt it was the NICEST time that FC and I have spent together, and there have been plenty of lovely times before this, but it does probably take the cake...

had a long chat to Leah before and she said to me (i love that she can be so matter of fact sometimes...) that 'alcohol is just no good for you, makes you get down on yourself and make up bad stories that make you feel like crap', or something like that, i've probably paraphrased...but you know what? she is right...she also mentioned that i seem to drink a lot when i'm with FC, and i guess i do, well a lot more than usual and also a lot...and this is something about him that concerns me...that, and the smoking!

and sure i can chalk it up to his being english (meaning the pub scene is standard for a lot of english people), and sure he can suggest that he doesn't usually drink that much but he's in the post breakup phase (pretty sure it's been 9 months now...) but still i have a nagging doubt about it...and no, i don't think for one minute he's an alcoholic, but what i have experienced is at times, a radical change in his behaviour when he's been drinking and sadly, the person he becomes is freer, follows his heart more, and looser with what he says...all of which is good, except then he seems colder and more withdrawn when sobered up...and i find the seesawing does my head in - and i know, that's not his shit, nope, it's definitely mine, but it affects me...

perhaps the trick is to work out how to let it affect me less? god knows, if we are to be in a relationship then i'm going to have to find a way to not let it get to me as much as it does now....and even if i don't end up in a relationship with him, this is still something i need to work through...

yep, it seems like the next thing i need to confront and conquer...

oh, and for the record, spending the night with him, and waking up with him today, was simply lovely...yep, i'm definitely in like with him...

i'm not, on the other hand, in favour of the most recent name he has given me in his phone - which of course i can't repeat here, but suffice to say I much preferred Princess Sarah...:( and sure i know he's done it to protect us from prying at work (given the scare that was Friday night), but still, i don't like it!

really, i think i should be happy...

yep, i think i should....

so saturday ended up ok....didn't go to writing class, and it was nice to not do something because i felt i had to, and not for me...so blew it off! went to Sar's for tea and a chat, then home to the couch, which is where i spent the next 6 hours or so....

ended up in a lengthy texting conversation with FC, where a lot of the things i wanted to say to him got said....and sure, as of right now, we still haven't actually had the real 'chat' that he wanted to have, but we've covered some ground...

that said, i still have some concerns, which, other than being hungover and very very tired, must be accounting for how i feel this afternoon? and how i feel is frankly a little bereft...i know, big word right? but i do....

so i'm going to recap the last 24 hours or so, and see if i can identify where this stems from...if i'm being honest, i'm pretty sure i know, but i want to make sure so that i don't sit here and beat myself for not feeling good, or for reading something into what is probably nothing....

so he picked me up at 3, we had tea, played around with my tv setting (and resolved something i'd wanted to sort out for a while), drove to his, walked to the pub and promptly settled in for a lengthy drinking sesh! was lovely actually, one of the nicest times we've had together, lots of talking, probably a bit too much drinking, plenty of compliments (from him to me....which took me a bit by surprise, he's not one for compliments), eventually a long, cold and wet walk back to his in the hideous weather, snogging, pizza, couch, music and then bed...oh and he's given me a new name in his phone...Princess Sarah (as if that won't be obvious!)

yep, you read it right...i finally stayed over! and i wasn't really sure i should, but figuring it was late, very wet, night before a public holiday, i just didn't fancy trying to find a cab....so i stayed...

and it was lovely, although i have no idea how 2 grown adults who clearly fancy each other, have managed to be with each other in a state of drunkenness and semi undress and not yet rip the remainder of each other's clothes off...and yet we didn't! and i'm pleased, coz even though i so wanted to do more than lie in his arms and kiss him, i don't think i'm ready yet...

and not that i'm not ready to have sex with him, no i'm ready for that, have been for weeks, no i'm not ready for what it means, which seems to unspoken between us and probably because we work together (which of course we are now in complete agreement about: we will simply have to lie if we are asked at work, and he needs to find another job!), but he knows that i won't simply have a casual sexual relationship with him, so if we do 'move' that one step more, then it will signify something...of course, it will signify the one thing he's not ready for, which is a relationship.....and i think i'm ready for the relationship thing, what i'm not ready for is to sleep with him, and then he changes his mind and i'm heart broken and have to face him at work...nope, definitely not ready for that!

and we didn't really get around to talking about that, but i did manage to ask if he was still in love with the ex, he categorically states not, and even suggested i talk to his best friend if i didn't believe him...which of course i did...interesting too that he told me that of course he and the best friend have talked about me...best friend likes me but thinks FC should stay clear coz he's not ready to be in a relationship...hmmm, not sure i know how i feel about that? of course FC's response to this is 'i don't always do what W suggests'....

sooo the highlights of last night/this morning: had a lovely time at pub, he instigated snogging on the way home, there was a lot of physical contact, there was a lot of him complimenting me, and telling me he likes me (this is just so unusual for him, it was nice to see him let himself just 'go with things'), the sleeping together was kinda nice (even though i didn't sleep much, never do first time i spend the night at someones....), and then this morning, lots of nice chat, him asking me how i was, making me tea in bed, and just hanging out lazing around for hours....he then got up, i stayed in bed and slept for another coupla hours....i finally got up, we had more tea, cuddled on couch, then he dropped me home....and as i sometimes do (although this could be my shit) i felt something change as we neared my place and the time to say good bye approached...

and maybe it was my crazy shit and my hope for some romantic gesture or other, of maybe (and this is most likely the case) we were both tired and very hungover, but it just didn't feel the same as the rest of the time we spent together...of course, it could also be the very thing i'm afraid of! namely, that he had such a lovely time and is now freaking out - he did this last week after we were spotted....

so i get around to sending him a text an hour or so after he drops me off, and of course, there has been nothing, and i find myself wondering WTF, although it's probably nothing.....

and herein lies the problem that is me, and my fucked up dysfunctional relationships and how crazy i get....you'd think i'd be able to focus on the most amazingly lovely 24 hours, rather than the clunky goodbye? but no, i'm fixated on that....which is probably (at least I hope) nothing...

so now i'm going to have to find a way to sit with this discomfort, and it is MAJOR discomfort (thank goodness i only slept with him, rather than *slept* with him...otherwise fuck knows how i'd be feeling)....

so the lesson here is really how i do the in between times? and i haven't been to bad at that lately, but staying over does seem like a very big *leap* in our relationship, especially when it was only Thursday night that he emailed saying he's still not sure he wants to be in a relationship, and that's kind of what i felt when i left...not like he wanted to get rid of me, not at all, but like he had retreated a bit....

and maybe he has.....but the question for me to really ponder is: what has that got to do with me? probably nothing....

this from the man who complimented me all night, and this morning, in fact as i rolled over to say good morning to him when we woke up he said to me 'hi, well don't you look quite pretty first thing in the morning'....

yep, this has NOTHING to do with me....what i need to really consider, is how much time i want to invest in this before i am convinced one way or the other?

right now, not sure!

overwhelmingly sad...

is the only way i can describe how i feel right now...

it was a monumental effort to go to work after my 4am meltdown, not assisted by finding an email from him this morning saying basically that we need to have the talk, he's been enjoying things, it's been very nice, but he's conflicted and confused, we should chat before things get somewhere that means we wouldn't be ok with each other, that we haven't dealt with the 2 issues that have always been there (work and him not wanting to be in a relationship), that he likes me a lot, unexpectedly and that he has no idea what to do....

of course i am assuming it's all lost, and this is because i think i need to think like that, or i am going to end up hurt for a 3rd time (right now is already the 2nd time) and i just don't have much left....

i think of myself as a resilient person mostly, but right now i'm not sure sure...i'm sad, i'm disappointed, i wish that so many things could be different and i'm struggling...

disappointed that he moved things in the direction he did (and sure i reciprocated) without thinking through either the 'i don't want to be in a relationship' or the 'work' thing? surely, he is not so naive to think that spending so much time together and him 'pursuing' me would mean that i still thought he only wanted to be friends?

and i'm sad because even though i don't know him well enough yet to know if he is someone i could be with, i think there is something there, and i would like to be able to explore that without the pressure of work or the so called bad timing

i'm a bit over him rolling out the 'it hasn't been that long since i came out of a long term relationship' card...not when he has seemed very happy to effectively 'be in' a relationship with me bar some critical elements and when after only a few weeks of doing the 'friends' thing, he pursued me....not fair, really, it's just not fair

and it's not like i want a commitment from him but i'd like to be able to see if there could be anything between us, but i just don't he's ready.....

and whilst i am writing this i think i need to remind myself of the things i don't like about him, as these are things that i want in a man i'm with and in a relationship and i'm unsure whether he is capable or inclined of delivering them:
 - he so rarely steps out of his own head to ask how i am, and this bugs me
 - if he asks me how i am, and i include some reference to an emotion, he essentially ignores it and suggests practical things (this may be a bloke thing, but i hate it)
 - the fact that i think there are essentially 2 FC's, one when he's sober and one when he's drinking and sadly, i think i like the one who drinks more than the other (not always, and that may seem harsh) but the drinking FC is more expressive, throws caution to the wind a bit, seems a little bit more in touch with his emotions, and mine....and says things that he either forgets or regrets (not sure which, that is a topic of conversation for tomorrow)

so, onto tomorrow...i really need to work out what it is that i want to say (and i realise this post has now spanned 2 days as i didn't have the energy to complete it last night, which was friday) to him...

what comes to mind is this:

work: yes i agree it's an issue, so we need a solution then we might have a chance to see if we could be something together

timing: fuck the timing! we met when we did and we can't change that, your behaviour of late says more to me than the words 'i'm not ready' so either take a risk or walk away until you know what you want

texting when drunk: simply not fair, as an example, last night he suggested we move to NY together to get away from the shit here, all this from the man who only a night before sent me an email with the 'it's too soon for me to be in a relationship' line....

and sure he says he's conflicted and confused and likes me a lot, unexpectedly and i appreciate all that, but don't mess me around...

i have no idea how i say all of this eloquently and without giving the impression of an ultimatum, which is not really my style...but seriously, something's gotta give

and still i'm sad....when all is said and done i actually think that there could be something with this man, and i'd love to have all the planets line up so we could give it a go....

but, right now, it seems we are so far away from that...

another hiccup last night when a mutual colleague of ours asked him 'are you nailing Sarah?'...charming! turns out a colleague of his has been reading his text messages....so now, not only have we been seen, but there are a handful of people probably talking about us...the only positive i see in all of this is it made FC very angry (which i hope will spur him on to look more seriously for another job) and he said 'i don't like it - this is exactly the sort of crap i don't want and it's not conducive to things being good'...i guess i read that as he wants things to be able to be good between us, but right now can't see how...

encouraging! and yes i'm still sad...

and sure, maybe i've created some of that heart break for myself, coz when he said 'let's be friends and see where it goes' i really only tried it on because i wanted something to happen...and sure, in the course of getting to know him i may have found out things about him that i don't like (true, this has happened) but mostly, it's made me like him even more....

so, i'm sad....perhaps not so overwhelmingly as when i started writing, but sad all the same...

melt down

is the only way i can describe where i am right now...

woke up at 4am and found myself crying...i feel like i am all the way back in a place where i don't want to be and one i thought i may not find myself in again...

but no, here i am

so here's how the week has gone:
 - his freak out about us being seen was met with 'i think we should cool things down' and 'the work situation is untenable'
 - he has pulled back so much that i feel like it's been a slap in the face
 - his desire to have a 'chat' seemed to disappear when he arrived wednesday and he let himself have a lovely night with me (if he is leading me up the garden path again i am going to be so very disappionted)
 - his texts this week have been scant, factual, none of the 'i miss you', 'i'm disappinted when i don't get to see you', 'when am i seeing you again' or 'nite xx' that has been the last few weeks (all driven by him)
 - and he's started to not respond to some of my texts, almost dropping out of a conversation which is something he used to do....
 - and he has assumed on Sunday I will go to him, so there has been no discussion about our plans, he has simply planned it and told me

so i can only assume from all of this (and sure, perhaps i shouldn't be assuming anything) that the FC of the last few weeks, who made a huge play for me, is either scared, or has changed his mind....

i'm miserable, and i have NO idea how i'm going to get thru the day at work today :-(

so the 'chat'...

didn't happen, and i don't necessarily see that as a bad thing, but of course, now i am still 'obsessing' about how it is going to go...

that said, we had a simply LOVELY evening together and really, if he does decide to walk away, then i will be not only disappointed but pretty cranky...

and sure, we are certainly not in the same 'heady' or 'intense' place that we were this time last week (namely, him wanting to see me every day, claims of missing me when i wasn't at his, statements of disappointment when i wasn't around etc) but still, he came over, was very cutesy and frankly, adorable, so this is surely not the behaviour of someone who's not happy? or who doesn't want to be more than friends?

it just can't be, and as you can clearly see, i am obsessing and i feel unsure, and i HATE that....i hate that i am finding it so hard to just 'be' right now, and seemingly finding it impossible to just to be in the moment (although i did a GREAT job of that last night with him, and we did, have a truly lovely evening)....

in the back of my mind are the feelings of 'i'm not good enough', 'he won't like me enough to take the risk that is work', 'he'll walk away even though he has behaved as though he wants a lot more than friends'...oh god, please let it stop

surely i have come far enough to have found a way to keep some of those negative, and frankly, hideously destructive comments at bay? nah! would appear that i haven't managed that entirely...

and previous posts have referred to my 'sense' of impending doom or a 'moving away' by him, and sure, he's no longer seeming to do the 'nite xx' that was every night last week, but otherwise i'm trying to assess if there is any 'real' difference or whether it's all some construction of a fearful mind?

and honestly, i'm not sure...one thing i have realised, having read back through my posts and seen how things between FC and I have developed, is that i have 'often' been wrong when i have sensed him moving away...yep, i've been wrong! and sure, this current 'thinking' that he doesn't want to continue or pursue things with me, well that will be old Sarah thinking...fait accompli type thinking of someone who doesn't believe in herself....and yet, she seems to be taking up an awful lot of my thinking time right now...

and really? she is NOT welcome! no, she really isn't...and yet, she is here, and very very present and very very noisy! dominating some might say...

aarrgghh, so upshot is this: i am really struggling with the roller coaster of emotions today....and i shouldn't make that all about me, i think he has definitely had some sort of a freak out, resulting in a shift this week...and perhaps i just need to focus on me (yes, of course!) and my life and give him the space he needs to work out what it is he wants...

seems this 'approach' worked well previously! you know, when i agreed to 'be friends and see where it goes'...and i did! i have NO idea how i did that, as it's something i've never managed to pull off previously so i need to just stay here and be Sarah, and *hope* that realises just how great i am and how *lovely* what we have is, and that it *could* be much much more...

yep, so chat is postponed to Sunday and i'm a mess! so tennis for me and then Offspring, possibly Erica and I hope by the time i crawl into bed, my equanimity has returned...

nite x