so it seems me sticking my

head in the sand re my health and my toe in the water with xNick, have both not been good decisions...

yep, it's true! so years ago, when Ben and i were together, I thought i was pregnant - a trip to the local GP revealed that most likely, although she wasn't 100% sure, i was in the early stages of perimenopause...

imagine my shock, and disappointment...i was not yet even 40 then :-( but it wasn't so bad in the end, turns out having a child with ben would not have been a good decision...not the least of which the possible mental health issues in his family, our relationship was not on solid ground and i've always been unsure if i 'really' wanted children...sure, i like the idea, but i don't know if it would be what i really want...of course, hard to say that when i haven't yet met the sort of person i think i'd truly like to have children with...

so, the point of that little story is this: instead of going to see a gynaecologist or talking to anyone about things, i just put my head in the sand and pretended it wasn't happening...but when i look back now, it seems that that single decision (which was probably a combination of shock and denial, and a healthy dose of embarrassment, even though it's completely out of my control, not to mention a massive knock to my confidence, thinking that i will lose all appeal to men etc etc) has not helped me...see i've experienced a large number of the symptoms menopausal women may get....hot flushes, tick, mood swings big tick (and the main reason for this post), night sweats, tick, erratic periods, tick...thankfully the only thing i haven't experienced is the drop in libido (that seems to have remained unchanged...)....but the worst of it all is the mood swings, and the depression - yep, seems the hormonal changes in my body are unleashing the sort of mood swings and mood affect that i have never experienced before and in the last 6 months it's become increasingly difficult to cope with...there, it's out, i've said it: i'm not coping

and i thought it was all related to my relationship and subsequent break up with Nick...and sure, that was a lot of my sadness, but i think that it has been exacerbated and amplified by what's going on in my poor body....

and i'm not one for regrets, typically, but i do regret not having spoken up about this - my embarrassment at the words 'early menopause' have really impacted my health, both physical and ultimately, mental...and that just sucks....herein lies one of the reasons people don't talk about stuff, coz they are afraid of ridicule, of being labelled etc...

i regret that i have largely suffered in silence for years, that i have let it get to a point where i have struggled to cope....so, as soon as i'm back from holiday, i'm going to sort it out (and i'm already seeing a naturopath so she's helping with herbs, but i'm going to see if there are other remedies to help me)....and as i sit here typing this and having a wee cry, it makes me really want to fast forward to a time when it's sorted and the happy Sarah i know and love is back, and a time when my mortgage is gone and i can go and do the work i love...i have so much to offer and i want to be doing that sort of work....

in my ideal world i think i'd be doing a mix of counselling, life coaching, leadership training (still love that) and working with women who've been sexually abused, as well as women who are silently trying to deal with early menopause....so there's my 'vision' for what i want to be doing in a few years...

for now, though, focus is paying off the mortgage (which means another few years in the job, doubt it'll be easy, but like all goals, they sometimes come at a cost or mean the odd challenge along the way - if i can get my head sorted out, i'm pretty sure i'm well up for it)....

and then there's the dipping my toe in the water with Nick - it's very easy to look back and say 'really should have steered clear of him', because there were so many neon lit signs in the early days, but my old patterns and stuff rose to the top and ultimately guided my decision to 'go with it'...and in many ways it's been a good lesson for me, but honestly, it's also, combined with said health issues, been the MOST difficult time in my entire life...

and that's pretty scary in some ways as i have had a lot of very confronting experiences, but this seems to top them all off? perhaps it's simply been a year of enormous learning, where the lessons have come thick and fast, seemingly as soon as one was grasped another would present itself...i do hope that the universe has something good in store for me?

it's so interesting (and difficult at times) to reflect on the last 8 months or so, but reality is, even though it has been without a doubt the most difficult time in my life, i am still here and i am talking about my 'vision' for my future...hmm, just goes to show that perhaps i am more resilient than i give myself credit for....

and sure i'm sad at times, occasionally lonely, and i still find myself thinking about Nick far too much (not aided by a text from him yesterday after Swans win - i felt literally sick when i saw his number - funny to think that i entertained thoughts of a life with this man, and yet when he contacts me it does nothing but upset me...not much of a complicated or hidden message there - nope, a very obvious one!) but that will go...

so for now, i'm trying to accept that a large part of my sadness and general mood is health related, i'm determined to get some help (now that i've taken my head out of the sand and accepted that something is wrong) so that Sarah can live life to the fullest....

in the meantime, i am throwing myself into books, music, writing, spending time with my wonderful friends, looking forward to a visit from the parents today, the GF later (go Bullies), a trip to my favourite place, and if i'm honest, i'm looking forward to believing that i will meet a wonderful man...perhaps right now, i need to focus on getting better, getting over the awful hurtful futile heart breaking experience with Nick.....once that is done, then watch out world!

ok, gotta get on with my day!

hormonal roller coaster?

so i had a realisation today, after a massive meltdown...and sure the meltdown came immediately after i'd had a meeting with him and had some 'sense' that he was shagging someone else - he just seems so happy these days which just makes me angry - angry that when he was broken i was there to support him and now that he feels better, i've been discarded, categorised as the rebound girl and he's moved on...yep, not happy about that....

but really, what can i do?

so anyway, i had a thought tonight, following a lengthy discussion with my therapist last night about physical health and impact on mood, and then a chat with my sister tonight about a similar thing...seems both of them think that the peri menopause symptoms will be impacting me a lot more than i think and in fact, perhaps the odd day/hour of sadness is less about Nick and more about the hormonal imbalance...

hmmm, hadn't given that much thought before now, but you know what? it seems probably like it might be worth me investigating...

so today, i woke up feeling shite, didn't sleep that well (this is a common occurrence in women experiencing peri menopause, and it's not new to me, been going on for ages!), finally dragged myself out of bed and to Leah's - didn't help i had the worst pain in my neck - did some work with her, got to work, still didn't feel great, but day improved as i got on with the work i needed to do...sadly, needed to spend a fair bit of time with him today, so by just before 5pm when i'd spent over an hour with him and i had this sense (see above) i lost it....my lovely staff member noticed i was sad, gave me a hug and i just lost it...haven't done that for a while....

so i grabbed my stuff, went to my car and sobbed most of the way to Sara's, where i went for a chat and tea....

but it's true, if i was truly depressed, then i wouldn't be able to 'snap out of it' only a few hours later? or would i? nope, pretty sure that isn't the way depression works....and if i was still desolate about him, then i suspect that would be more constant, if i was still desolate about him i wouldn't look forward to seeing someone else's name pop up on the phone, nor would i be looking forward to a certain person's visit on monday, so sure, i still like Nick, it's a hangover from a time gone by, a past with him that isn't yet forgotten, but, i don't think my sadness is all about him, and that is actually freeing, freeing in a way i couldn't have thought possible...

so rather than assume that every time i'm sad or have some sort of involuntary mood swing, i don't have to think 'oh i'm sad, i miss Nick', nope, instead i can consider going to talk to a doctor about it...and not so they can give me some antidepressant medication, but so i can try and establish if there is some merit to the hormonal roller coaster theory i am currently working on?

so, sure, i don't feel fabulous, it's been a huge week in more ways than one, but i've had a lovely night at home following a short visit to Sara's....

it's raining and the sound of the rain will hopefully be a welcome lullaby as i head to bed...

i'd normally say nite peeps, but since blog is now private, seems no point, so nite self! hope you sleep well!

oh and then there's

his monday evening text apology...yep, have no idea what to read into that, if anything, but funny that tonight i put on sex and the city and Big was telling Carrie that he was sorry that he'd hurt her, he hadn't realised how much he'd hurt her etc, and i wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something? seems only 2 nights about FC was saying the same thing to me...

yes, but my ending with FC ain't going to be what Carrie's ending with Big was, no matter how much i wish it were so...

sooo gotta move on, yep, gotta face the reality: things with FC are NOT going to work out and i need to find a way to accept that, grieve what might have been and move on....

gonna be lots to talk to Sal about tomorrow!

not just stuck, but worse...

resentful...

yes, and i know that resentment eats me up so i'm going to have to find a way to work through it and quickly, but really, mostly what i feel towards his is resentment...

hmmm, pretty strong emotion that one, and negative too - i remember a friend once said that letting someone live rent free in your head is anger, or in this case resentment, and that's what i'm doing...

seems FC has lived rent free in my head for too long now...

yes, essentially his rebound girlfriend - he never said as much but i am
yes, i'm the one who let myself be charmed by him even though he said he wasn't ready

what a bloody idiot i've been...more than six months of my life wasted on a man who wasn't courageous enough to follow his heart...

and sure, it's not all bad, i've learned some stuff, mostly about myself....but it's been difficult, so i'm going to try very hard and evict him!

yes, i like the sound of that!

so perhaps if i can do that, then the resentment will die down...

that would be nice! so would winning the $30m powerball with a work mate tomorrow, yes that would be stupendous!

stuck....

stuck is the only way i can sum up how i feel today...

so seeing him sunday, turns out wasn't really a good idea for me...nope, sure it was good to make sure the drama of friday night was resolved, but otherwise all it did was really send me a reminder that he doesn't want to be with me...exacerbated by his comment 'you need to focus on the future, why are you still going on about it?'...yep, a typical FC blunt comment...

so after dinner and the first episode of west wing (which i have to say i quite enjoyed), he suggested a 2nd one and i declined...all i wanted to do was get the hell out of there...too many memories, simply too hard for me to be with him...

so it seems i can't be friends with him, and i've known this for some time but it was very apparent to me on sunday - even as i sat at the pub with him and we talked about normal stuff (after his apology), i just sat there wishing that things could be different...

so monday, was difficult but i managed to get through the day holding my head high, tuesday was much better and today, well today, was awful....i woke up feeling sad, didn't have anything to eat for breakfast (probably not a good idea), had a big day at work and my 1st meeting was with him...who of late seems to be in a fabulous mood (which for some reason i hate)...i don't hate that he's in a good mood, but i hate that i read it as he's happy, i'm not and all the energy i put into him in the last few months has been good for him, good for his ego, but not good for me...

scary thing is, the friends have been saying this for months...yep, that he was getting what he wanted/needed but i wasn't, yep, well perhaps that's the reality that is making me feel so sad today? who knows?

all i know is that i'm sad, i miss him, i'm frankly wondering how the hell i'm ever going to truly be able to him and what he did to me behind me when i have to see him 5 days a week? i have no idea what i was thinking when i thought that getting involved with him would be a good idea?

so, i'm sad, i'm stuck, i'm over myself, i'm concerned that i still feel so hurt and i'm tired....

so early to bed for me and i sincerely hope that i wake up feeling way way better tomorrow...

there's 48 hours i

never want to repeat...

so friday night, whilst sitting with kirst in her new home, get a text from FC saying someone's introduced him to my blog...imagine the sinking feeling in my stomach when i realise that a) he's been out with work people so it's someone at work and b) that he's read it...

oh god, so then another few texts and he says stay the fuck away from me, don't ever talk to me again, he's resigning monday etc etc...then calms down and we have a lengthy call, he wants to assure me that he isn't out to get me and that his texts may have appeared like threats...

so i hardly sleep at all friday night, i feel sick, embarrassed that work colleagues have stumbled across the blog which means they know everything, i'm embarrassed he's found it and basically just felt terrible...

saturday improved and hanging out with kirst the perfect antidote, sunday ok but as it got closer to coming home to sydney, which means work, i started to feel anxious...

now, just back from his, i feel absolutely fine about what happened but sad....

i met him at pub, i apologised again, he apologised for making me feel the way i did, we chatted about work crap, weekend stuff, nothing of note, went to his, had dinner, watched 1st episode of west wing (quite like it), was going to stay for a 2nd but changed my mind...

whilst there he made a snide comment to me about 'funniest thing i've ever read - you should try playboy'...in reference to something i blogged about a coupla weeks ago...then he said 'it's been months, it's unhealthy for you to keep going over it, surely you need to move on' and in that moment i had a sinking feeling and realised that he's done exactly that, and as usual, i feel left behind....

so when i got into the car i found it hard not to cry.....in his head i think it's over, no chance there could be anything, despite a small part of me wishing it could be....he said something interesting on our friday night call, that he now associated me with the february when he wasn't ready....and that just annoys me.  how can i help that he fancied me then, pursued me then even though he wasn't ready and then when i develop feelings for him, he changes his mind and now suggests that i should move on...yep, not overly impressed with that...

anyway, the blog's gone private so i can now refer to him as nick....

so i think it's time, time for me to put him behind me, time to not read anything at all into his behaviour...which is hard: it's very difficult to be with someone in a relationship and then for them to mean nothing, and for me, it's difficult not to then misinterpret (seemingly) some of their behaviour...

sad thing is, he told me tonight he probably won't resign until april now (post when bonuses are paid) so i have at least another 6 months of him at work....sigh

so it's been a shocker weekend, has turned out ok, actually he's behaved most considerately and frankly he's been way more understanding than i could have hoped for...and for that i am eternally grateful

on that note, i'm too tired to write anymore, i'm sad in an 'it's really over' sort of a way and frankly, i don't know what else there is to say....

wake up call

which is an ironic title for someone who got no sleep last night...

so after a big session at therapy, seems lots of things were on my mind and the realisation of just how many losses i've had to endure in the last 3 years (turns out there's really only been one 7 month period where things were good, stable) really got to me yesterday, resulting in me feeling flatter than i had in a little while....so a good cry in therapy, another on the way home and i felt much better before settling in for 3 episodes of the killing - man i love that show! only the finale to go...

so basically where i'm getting to is that i felt ok, not jumping for joy good, but ok...then i noticed a text from FC, asking me to bring a usb stick to work so he could copy west wing onto it for me...we had conversation of sorts (conversations with him are only real conversations if he feels like it), and then he announces he's going to ny for xmas/new year and that just upset me, and sure, it probably shouldn't but hey, i'm human.....we had a shared interest in ny, we talked about going there together so hard for me to have forgotten all that...anyway, turned out we got into a stupid conversation (yes, i'll accept some responsibility for that) and then he says 'you never tell me what you feel to my face and that he'll keep things on the work level as he has tried everything with me and nothing works, and that i misinterpret everything'...yep, some big accusations right there...

this from the man who can NEVER express how he is feeling, and who misinterprets things more than me i think, although it doesn't matter really....so i email him this morning, after a sleepless night (thanks! not) and tell him that he should just have told me if that's how he felt...but no, he stores it up and in one stupid conversation he says 'i'm sticking to a work relationship'...what childish behaviour, really...

so today i manage to hardly see him all day (this is rare given how much we are working on together right now), then he drops by just after 5 to show me something and i give him the usb stick...then i leave

i had a long chat to leah on the way home, after crying on one of my staff at lunchtime (exhaustion probably the biggest contributor to that now i look back on the day) and you know what? i feel WAY better....i no longer have that bereft feeling i had initially...and reality is this: we already have, essentially, just a work relationship and because i so desperately wanted to continue to be more to him than just a colleague, i've tried to smooth the waters every time it looks bumpy

but fuck! i think i'm done...all of my spiritual healers have said (without knowing anything about him) that he's manipulative - the latest one referred to him as manipulative and messy! well, i reckon she's spot on...

so, then tonight, the man who's keeping things on a work level sends me at least 4 emails which in my opinion aren't really work related - sure they started off with something work related but then weren't....

and he wonders why i'm confused, why i sometimes misinterpret stuff....

one of the emails and this is surely a cry for some sort of attention is suggesting that 'birthday's just aren't fun anymore' coz he insisted i have a meeting with his boss and i've suggested tuesday...which of course, is his birthday....

it's another of his hooks....my god, so i think tonight was a wake up call - i've seen through some of his crap - he reacts, pushes me away and then seems to be ok the next day and until today i've beaten myself about that, about what i did wrong, about what i could do differently, but nope, now i can see his manipulative little game for what it is....

so i've not only had a wake up call but for a moment earlier this evening, when i was really angry and so tempted to email him to say that other than work i wanted nothing to do with him, and for a little while i felt like i actually believed that..i'm now wondering if in some way i've dodged a bullet with this guy?

and sure i liked him, but the more i see his behaviour for what it is, the less appealing he is frankly....

so, wake up call indeed, and sure last night's sleeplessness wasn't any good, but probably a necessary evil as i thought through the whole thing...

anyway, i'm going to bed now, hoping for a better night's sleep and the only wake up call i want tomorrow is my alarm clock!!

nite peeps

ps am off to visit the bff in coffs tomorrow! yay xx

fur balls and boundaries...

yep, that's what i'm dealing with today...

so, the post chest infection, sinus infection, headcold seems to be what feels like a permanent fur ball in my throat...i'm sure the people who sit in close proximity to me at work are over the incessant coughing, god knows i am, but honestly, nothing else i can do....

hope it goes soon!

and then there's the boundaries, yep the ones i'm working very very very hard to put in place with FC (who i really no longer want to call FC, but just in case someone who shouldn't has stumbled across the blog, well it kinda protects his identity...kinda!)....

so last week was a great start! and i am very proud of what i managed to achieve, which doesn't seem much, but for me, this is a HUGE step in my development....so Mon night I didn't respond to a text, Tuesday night I declined an offer to go thru something (in non work time I might add, so not exactly that hard to decline, but typically any chance I've had to communicate with him i have, so in fact, it was quite big to say 'thank you but no') and then Thursday he called me (even though i'd accused him, in this forum, of dropping out of a conversation when it looked like i might be quite emotional...turns out he didn't drop out but me, so FC, i'm sorry about saying that...you usually do, so i guessed that's what you would do, and of course i wrote the blog before seeing your missed call...oops!) but i missed his call, which wasn't necessarily me putting in place a boundary, but not doing anything about it, yes, that's the boundary....

and you know what? i think it's actually good but it feels awful - it feels rude (at times), i worry about what it means he will now think about me, i fear that now that i am clearly pulling back and not being at his beck and call (which he would be used to), he's going to lose interest in me altogether....and for some reason to me, that seems like the end of the world...i can't bear, it seems, for him not to like me, or to think badly of me....not sure why, but it's my pattern, it's what i do so i'm going to sit with this awful discomfort and see what i can learn from it...

so, what have i learned? that putting boundaries in place is really difficult for me, but having done so, the world doesn't stop turning on it's axis...go figure! that even though what i ultimately want is for him not to contact me, not to hook me back in, not to play his manipulative games with me (ie just when it looks like i'm moving away, he'll try and rope me back in)...no, so even though there is a part of me who desperately wants to maintain contact with him, i know really that ultimately the BEST thing for me is not to have any contact with him (other than the work contact we have to have)....

so sure, knowing it and believing it are two different things and really, this is all very new to me...can't remember a time when i've ever put in place boundaries like this - no wonder it's uncomfortable, no wonder i wonder what might eventuate....

anyway, i'm trying, and i'm struggling with it, but still, i'm trying...and really, i can't ask for more of myself than that....

new naturo (who i love btw) did kinesiology on me today and said (and i quote) 'he's messy this FC, messy and manipulative, be very careful'...hmmm and i have hardly told her a thing...

Bec something similar in my crystal healing on saturday...that having someone like me show an interest in him has boosted his ego, that he likes me, still wants me in his life and may still make some sort of effort to get me back, although she thinks that highly unlikely...me too! even though occasionally, when i'm feeling tired and lonely, i wish he would...

but he won't, so uncomfortable boundaries is where it's at for me right now....

hmmm...at least there are some boundaries!

200 posts and 3 months tomorrow

hmmm, so just finished by 200th post on this, the new blog! wow, only seems like yesterday that i wrote my first post here....

and tomorrow marks 3 months since the fateful day when he announced 'it seems we are in a relationship and i don't want to be'...wow, 3 months...gone quickly in some ways and has dragged on and seemed interminable at times...

but hey, i survived, and i can still smile, and in fact i don't feel quite so bad....

soo 200 posts, 3 months tomorrow and in a little over 2 weeks i'll be NYC bound! yay

tired of being single...

honestly, i am over it....so many things remind me of what i don't have right now, and sure, i know i should be grateful for what i have, and i am, but really...i'm over being single...

like everything it has it's pros and con's....but when you feel lonely, are in the throes of the post relationship recovery, and almost everyone you know is coupled, well, some days it's hard to remember, let alone appreciate, all the good in your life...

surely i am not the only person to feel this way?

funny really as when i was a little girl, i'm pretty sure that i didn't imagine i would be 43 and still on my own? and sure, it's not like i've been on my own forever, but the recent relationship with FC, which came out of the blue, a complete and utter surprise, well, i thought it might really work...

so it seems that it doesn't get easier as you get older, the breaking up, the mending a broken heart, nope, it seems definitively more difficult, and that i was not expecting....

and sure i always throw myself in with both feet, although i did hold back with FC (at times anyway, when i sensed he wasn't really in for the long haul, or any haul as it turns out), but i really didn't think it would hurt so much, or take me so long to recover from...

truth is, i'm mostly ok, but the loneliness has well and truly set in now, and so whilst i find myself feeling sad much more than i think i ought to (although really, is there any ought to when it comes to healing? methinks not!) i think it is more about being single than about not being with FC....

and sure, i still occasionally have the hope that he'll turn up to nyc and sweep me off my feet (he won't) or that when i'm back (after no contact for 3 weeks) he will have missed me so much that he turns up, declares his undying love for me and we give it another shot (again, not going to happen)....but really, even though i have these thoughts, they could just as easily have someone else as the lead? not FC, but someone else, someone who will actually be more than just a fantasy i've created, someone who will make me feel special and want to be with me, someone who won't smoke a pack a day, someone who will be able to handle emotions, his own and mind, someone who won't pursue me unless they actually want to be in a relationship....and someone who isn't just good on paper, but is actually good, for me....

soooo i'm tired, not just physically, but emotionally...tired of wondering when it will be my turn, tired of being single and having to do everything on my own, tired of not having someone to share my life with....

so, universe if you are listening, i'm tired, and would love for you to help me out....

thank you...

ps now it's bed for me as i have a huge week at work ahead....which will include (sadly) far too much time with FC....really would be nice if he could be out of sight, out of mind....alas!

the mornings really aren't

my best time of day, and this isn't news to me, but as i've gotten more reflective and more aware of my emotional journey, it seems, that the mornings present something of a challenge...

not every day, well, not now i am actually doing better, but still, they can be difficult
i've also noticed that on mornings when i don't have to get up (i.e. when i can wake up and lie in bed and contemplate the world), they are worse....

worse in that it means i find myself sometimes completely in my head and invariably it's not a positive experience, which is funny, because most nights i find i go to bed feeling pretty good...

i typically have resolved the day's goings on by the time i go to sleep and usually, even if the day hasn't been so good, or i've been upset earlier, i feel much better just before sleep...so why then do i often wake up not feeling happy?

and sure, i couldn't have written this a month or so back when i really wondered if i was suffering from some form of depression, but now, with some distance, and thankfully in a head space where i am much happier, it's something i have really noticed...

and today, i expected to wake up feeling great! i had a difficult couple of days at work, felt very lonely and sad thursday evening, despite someone reaching out to me (must rewrite other post as i said something quite uncomplimentary which turned out not to be true about FC), friday was a very long and busy day, but by the time i crawled into bed, having done some research about shows i want to see in NYC, i felt great! happy, looking forward to my trip etc...sure perhaps a modicum of unhappiness remained when i thought about who i might have been going to NY with, but mostly, i felt really good...

so today when i woke up, as i sometimes do, i feel slightly panicked and not panicked in a panic attack sort of way, but with a sense that something isn't right...doesn't stop me getting on with things, never has, it's not crippling but it seems that there must be something that resets itself as i sleep or upon waking? wonder what that is? how can you go to bed feeling good and happy and wake up feeling different? dreams, sure, but i dont' remember having any last night...and it's more a sense that something isn't right, and truth is, perhaps for me it isn't right...in that, i am still single, i do still miss FC, he is still sending mixed messages, i am still angry at him and i would still really like for there to be a possibility that things could work out with us....and of course i haven't let go of that hope, so i wonder if that too is fuelling some of these morning feelings?

so, lots to think about....

but the anger remains! it's not constant, it's not overwhelming but it's there....and every time he sends me a mixed message, it only incenses me more, especially when he told me a couple of weeks ago i was doing it! fucking double standards with him, always were, probably always will be....

anyway, i'm going to get into my day....which will be busy and pleasurable....

happy saturday peeps! this time in 3 weeks i'll be landing at JFK and about to start my NYC adventure!

r u ok?

actually, today i'm not doing so great...

so after ..nearly 2 weeks of not feeling well, i'm a bit over it, and sure i'm getting better but i still have congestion and a cough...over it!

tough  day at work and i am feeling stressed...v v stressed! and seems no matter how many hours i or my team do, we still don't get through anywhere near the workload...and then to top it off, there continue to be questions about something which isn't due for well over a month and i am feeling overwhelmed and pressured, and a little bit unsupported - repeated requests for something seem to fall on deaf ears and i'm just left feeling like what my team and i do isn't understood or valued at times...

add to that an email from someone to 2 very snr ppl which doesn't paint me or my team in the best light and i'm over it...over the pressure that having a big job sometimes brings, and frankly, i wish i could just curl up, go to sleep and wake up in a somewhat different looking life...

perhaps a life where FC and i are living in NYC and i'm a therapist and he's doing whatever he's doing - i know what he'd be doing, but am conscious of not writing too much here about him (me and him yes, but just him, no) as it's really not appropriate to do so...and of course, as if i could really be with someone like him and be a therapist - nah, just wouldn't work...

so today, we end up in a conversation, i share with him something, including how it's made me feel and of course he basically leaves the conversation - why the fuck does he do that? surely, he could attempt to be supportive? especially since he's the one that banged on for so long about wanting to be friends...well frankly, you don't cut it as a friend FC...

and occasionally, like tonight, when i was feeling tired, overwhelmed and frankly, wishing there was someone at home for me to talk to, to download to, i feel really sad that things didn't work out, even though i'm pretty sure he wouldn't have been the person to listen and really hear me...but still, on some level i still miss him, and seeing him every day, working so closely and so well with him, sadly, only serves to make it more difficult some days (despite the success of earlier this week where i managed to establish some boundaries)....and as my new naturopath (i like her) says, there is, sadly, repeated and constant trauma....

it's true, there is, no bloody wonder i'm exhausted, no wonder i sometimes want to curl up and never wake up, or run away to somewhere where he won't be, where there won't be constant reminders of him or what happened - and really, what happened is that even though he liked me (likes me i guess), i wasn't enough for him to want to be in a relationship - nope; he still wants to be in his selfish phase (his words) and that just hurts...no matter how i look at it or try and sugar coat it, bottom line, he didn't want to be with me....

wants me to text when he's got something to say but really it's a one way street with him and despite a coupla months where he really tried, probably always has been....and so that leaves me feeling sad and angry and angry enough to want to write a list to him of all the things i'm angry about...but really, where would that get me? absolutely nowhere is where...

however, the thing i am most angry about, the thing i seemingly can't seem to let go of is this: he said from the get go he didn't want to be in a relationship and yet he never had the willpower or strength to walk away, even though he knew i'd eventually get hurt...bastard...nope, instead he led me on, sought me out and basically allowed things to move well past 'friends', until he had me where he wanted me, and then he decided he wasn't ready for a relationship....selfish and hurtful...and yes, i'm still angry

although it occurs to me that monday will be 3 months since we actually split and of course, the very best thing about that is realising that yet again, i've gotten through it...and sure, today i'm sad, and feeling very lonely and very vulnerable, but mostly, i've been much better in the last little while...and even though it's been 3 months and in some ways i feel disconnected from him, there is still something there...and it's more than a good work relationship, or is it?

i have no real clue to be honest...anyway, r u ok? is where i started this post and honestly, i didn't feel great this morning, bit sad, day ok until about 6pm when i read an email that upset me and made me question myself (although managed to nip that in the bud) and then the descent into feeling sad about him..so it would seem that even tho it's r u ok day? it still isn't socially acceptable to tell people you're not ok and i hate that...as a person, as a therapist and as someone who wants the world to be a better place, i hate it!

so to anyone reading who isn't ok, i hope you have someone to listen, someone who cares about you and i hope that someone who really cared about what you would say asked if u r ok today...

nite peeps, am hopeful that tomorrow will be a much much better day xx

turned the corner, set some boundaries...

and suddenly, i'm feeling better....

so i had an epiphany monday - something about expectations and thinking that me setting boundaries was me being rude...

but turns out, practice is all it takes!

so last night, when i was so tired i could hardly stay awake on the drive home, i noticed a text from him...i looked at it, deleted it and decided not to respond! amazing...yes, i think so too...

and tonight, another text, and an offer to go thru a report he'd sent me earlier in day and i thought - nah, too tired, and we can do at work - so i replied with 'thanks, but no...'

usually i would jump at the chance to 'get into' a conversation with him, and work has many a time been a hook for him to get me in...but nope, last coupla days when i have felt absolutely shattered by the time i left work (am working pretty hard right now as we have stacks on) the last thing i have felt like doing is talking to him, or anyone, about work...

and sure, a small part of me is still pleased to see his number appear on my screen, but more and more i'm trying to create some space, some distance between us - and not necessarily because that's what i want (although the realisation of the other week was that i seem to be happier when we have no out of work contact) but because it's what he wanted and i have simply made myself far too available to him...

well, no more! and not out of spite, or not because i don't want to be available, but actually, i'd like him to miss me, to realise that i have always been there for him, listening to him whinge about his boss, or talk about whatever other thing he wanted to talk about, but when i have really wanted him to be there for me, he simply hasn't been...hence my dashed hopes...add to that my sense of expectation and really, it was getting me nowhere...

so the last few days i feel as though i have regained some control, and sure it's been hard, it's certainly taken some 'self control' which i have struggled to exercise before, but i actually think i'm turning the corner...

so wonder what is around that corner? and every time i practice putting a boundary in place, it's going to get easier and easier and easier until i simply don't even realise i'm doing it...

yay!

nite peeps, happy thursday to y'all...

my mother used to say

engage your brain before you engage your gob, and man could i have done with that advice today?

yes today...the day when i had visions that FC was 'with' or has 'met' someone else - even though him and i broke up because he didn't want to be in a relationship remember, and it had nothing to do with me? which sure, could be true, but still, as he moves away from me (although that's inconsistent and frankly, confusing) i am finding it difficult...difficult to accept it really is over (although clearly it is) and difficult to accept the he probably won't come back, that my little hope will eventually diminish to nothing at all...

yep, it's all crap really...having said that i don't feel anywhere near as bad as i did weeks ago, and generally am pretty ok - back into work, which is not difficult as it's so bloody busy, back into reading, next i'll be back into writing and in less than 4 weeks i'll be on my 3 week holiday in the big apple...so really, it's not all bad, and even though i tend to blog about the bad stuff, about my sadness and about my emotions, it really isn't all that bad...

but anyway, i digress (so what else is new i hear you asking)....so today, after the shocker start to the the morning where i'd dreamed up all manner of stupid stories about him and why he didn't answer my text (mental note to self: simply stop fucking texting him coz it seems you cannot keep your expectations under wraps and the ONLY person who ends up suffering is you) we spend all afternoon in meetings together, and one of them went for nearly 2 hours (at my desk - working thru some stuff together)....comes up in conversation that he'll be late in as he's taking his car for a service, and i say (before i've even thought about whether or not this is a good idea) 'oh, it's near me isn't it, you want a lift?'....

FUCK - seriously? this from the girl who is working out how to eradicate him (and i don't say that harshly) from my non work life, to try and regain some semblance, some balance, some non crazy emotionally fuelled crap that relates to him....stupid, fucking stupid...how else would i describe it?

friendly - yes, coz i am and i'm that sort of girl, but why with him? so i'm examining my motives in doing this?

on some level do i think it will make him like me more - i'm screwing up my face as i write this so seems unlikely (and my 43 year old self just thinks that's ridiculous)....is there a part of me that is so desperate to spend time with him that i'd offer to do this? (that could be true i guess but really all that's going to happen is in doing it i'll have an expectation of something (even an acknowledgement, a heartfelt thank you) which probably won't come to light...and i know full well that when we do something we shouldn't do it with the expectation of anything in return and i not only know this but consciously i don't have any expectation, but it seems (and this is something of a recent discovery about self) that even though i don't have any expectations of a conscious nature, i definitely do either unconsciously or subconsciously and they make things very difficult for me...

for someone who's as giving and loving as me, i find that not having people demonstrate gratitude the way i would, or who don't meet my expectations, well i find that incredibly hurtful and always manage to turn it around into being about me...didn't i do enough? why aren't they grateful?

it's bizarre really...bizarre i've never really contemplated this aspect of my behaviour before - well, truthfully i have, but haven't been ready to confront it....so maybe this is why it's surfaced now? maybe it's time to kick this habit, which frankly, does not serve me - actually it gets in the way of a large number of my relationships, intimate ones especially! pretty hard for anyone to live up to those expectations, especially when i'm probably not honest with myself about them...must be pretty bloody hard to be on the receiving end of my expectations....

yep, so awareness is king right? that's what they say - that's where change starts...

so now i am patently aware (i love that word - patently) that my expectations are probably misplaced, at times not appropriate and often mean that i feel disappointed....soooo i'm going to try something new....

i'm going to try and think before i offer to do things (coz offering and doing things won't make anyone like me anymore - being myself, that could definitely work though), i'm going to try not to project my expectations onto others, and when i do, i'm going to try and not take it so bloody personally....

yep, big commitments for a monday night....

so back to my life - it really is good, sure i'm lonely occasionally, sure i'd like a partner, but i want the right partner for me...and even though i do like FC (some days more than others) and i do think there is/was something there, reality is there was plenty that didn't work and i haven't settled yet, so why would i think now would be a good time to do that? besides which, he ain't ready...not ready to be in a relationship, not ready to be in the sort of relationship i want - not now, and maybe, not ever...

the people in my life who know me and know him, simply can't believe i would give him the time of day and sure they don't know him like i know him, but surely there is some merit in that? not that i like to be swayed by others, but still, it is probably useful information....

ok, bed for me, worked far too long for someone who feels as unwell as i do and my early night is now not quite so early as i would have liked!

nite y'all...xxx

struggling to accept

that things between FC and I are actually over today....

so i sent him a text last night, no response and then he tells me this morning he didn't even notice it until this morning...this is most unusual for him which has me thinking (and why do i care i can hear you asking?) that he was sooo busy with another girl that he didn't even see a text from me...

yep, really not in a good head space today....

seems, like was always the case, when i reached out to him (which in this case i didn't and arguably what i sent didn't really need a response necessarily - an acknowledgement maybe but not a response) he invariably didn't respond...and left me hanging, or in this case, i allowed myself to be left hanging...

anyway, not happy! still feel like crap, cough still here, nose/head still very congested, tired as i woke up 4 times in the night, and not liking the reality of where things are at: which is nowhere...

and all of this because he is frankly, inconsistent...some times texting some times not and i just cannot get my head around what all of that means...and sure i said we should do what we liked but i always feel when i do what i like, his wont is occasionally to ignore me or not respond and i end up feeling like i do today...

i have NO idea why, but i just don't want to let the glimmer of hope go...i don't want to imagine that he has moved on and has met someone else (esp when he said reasons were he wasn't ready) but reality is, at some point he will...

so i'm feeling a bit hurt, i'm struggling with how to let go and really wish i didn't have to see him at work as that is just a reminder of what isn't....

so struggling is where it's at right now....

and i don't like it one little bit :(

confused, lost, questioning...

is pretty much how i have felt for most of the day....

so i woke up, having had a very strange dream about a colleague at work (a close colleague of FC) which completely spun me out! it wasn't sexual per se but there were definite sexual overtones...from him...weird! dreams really are the strangest thing!

then lay in bed and drank tea and finished ian mcewan's 'sweet tooth' which i didn't love but was a good read - although it does confirm that i really am not a big fan of his writing....i think that's only the 2nd book i've read of his, possibly the 3rd and honestly, i reckon his writing style leaves a lot to be desired, for me anyway.....but luckily as i my wont when i'm in a reading frenzy i have a number of books lined up waiting to get into which means that i'm not going to be without a book...funny really, coz until about 2 weeks ago, it had been literally MONTHS since i had any interest at all in reading...yes, not going to go into why, but i think you know....

but good thing is i am finally in a reading state of mind and in now under 4 weeks i hope to be well and truly in a new york state of mind...yay!

so seems my chat with leah friday, my therapy session yesterday and my walk today, where i found myself spontaneously crying when i realised that really i wasn't enough for FC, otherwise he may have tried harder? have taken their toll on me...

and i'm not sad, i'm not inconsolable, i'm not feeling bereft like i was only weeks ago...no, none of these apply but what i am is a bit confused - confused about how i feel about FC, how he feels about me, about why i can't let go of the fantasy/hope that he might come back, confused about why i feel the need to be friends with him when really i think it would be easier not to (god knows, i seem to have never managed to be friends with an ex, let alone immediately after the breakup, so not sure why i think it could work this time?)....maybe it's hope? maybe it's because i simply feel too scared to establish a boundary when we work together? hmmm

i'm also confused and unsure, perhaps a bit lost, about what i'll do after this particular job...and sure i haven't been there long enough to contemplate leaving (on the contrary, i'm still very much enjoying it and there is heaps for me to achieve) but i'm conscious that it will be a finite proposition and as of today i have absolutely no clue, no plan for 'what next'...and sure i'd like it to involve new york, but not on my own...meaning, i'd sooner pack up and move half way round the world if i had someone to do it with (and sure, for a very short period of time it seemed as tho FC might be that person)...coz the thought of moving away from my friends and my life here, with no-one, well that seems far too daunting and unlikely a risk i'd take....

and honestly i feel a bit lost....seems half my life is over and i'm not sure i'm any closer to where i want to be? or am i?

and the conversation with Sal about whether FC could ever be a true friend to me is still ringing in my ears...and i still have no idea what the answer is? i simply can't decide if i romanticised almost everything that i wanted him to be, or whether there were some genuine signs there? i'd like to hope there were some genuine signs there, but honestly, having read over a lot of the blog and thought over a lot of the time we spent together, i often didn't feel happy, i was never clear about how he felt about me or what he wanted and i spent far too much time wondering where things might end up when reality is, from the get go, i knew it would end in tears....

so funny then that as i'm walking today the night we got spotted by a work colleague flashed into my mind (from the time i arrived after writing when he didn't really seem to want me there) to the late night text asking if it was too late for him to come over, to the kissing and cuddling on the street outside the pub, to the breakfast together the next morning before he took me computer shopping, before we finally crashed on his sofa before he played football and then i met him at the pub for drinks and then dinner at his...yes, despite the rough start which came at the end of the 2 weeks where he couldn't get enough of me and where he'd sent me the 'meet me halfway' song the night before, it was a lovely weekend...one of the nicest we spent together really and one that i thought might represent a turning point for him, but no....anyway, i digress! point is, on my walk today this came flooding back to me and i found myself crying.....

so in answer to my earlier point, i don't think i did romanticize everything - there were some definite signs there, but sadly, all i'm left with is that whatever was there i wasn't enough for him...and this may be complete and utter rubbish - as he pointed out 'you're gorgeous and lovely, i'm broken'...and that the timing was all wrong for him, that i'd met him at a time when he just wanted to be selfish...yes all those things are probably true, but for someone who is approaching 40 and isn't exactly overjoyed at being single, you'd think if he really thought there was something there he would have given it a much better shot?

maybe, and it hurts me to say this, he just doesn't really like me? maybe he doesn't like me enough...maybe i was simply a pretty girl at work who caught his eye and he thought we might have some fun together...i don't actually believe that, but from time to time i find myself entertaining frankly, a number of trains of thought that are just not useful!

anyway, upshot is, i don't want to be friends with him but feel like i have to be....and that, along with the aforementioned stuff is adding to my feelings of confusion and being lost...

and all of that means i seem to be asking myself a lot of questions...which frankly, whilst interesting, is also tiring! so on that note, i'm off to bed...

nite peeps x

don't like myself much

at the moment...and this isn't me doing a 'woe is me' routine, i guess after my therapy session today and some feedback from bff after our facilitation this week and some time to think, i think i'm a pretty judgemental person...

and i wish i wasn't.....sad thing is when i see this aspect to myself it reminds of my mum, and that doesn't thrill me..and not like this is the first time i've realised this, god knows FC mentioned it to me once, although he described it as critical, upset me then....

so today i've spent a lot of time wondering how i can try and be less judgemental and also wondering what i think is in it for me in being this way? does it make me feel better about myself (maybe, self consciously) to judge others? i don't think so, coz really when i see myself as judgemental i just feel bad....

is it a defence mechanism? is it something i've just always done and only now am seeing it for what it really is? or am i being overly harsh and perhaps a little too judgemental of myself?

not sure really, but i think it might be a good time to give some serious thought to how this impacts my relationships, and i think actually it puts a barrier, a wall, some distance between me and others...probably because ultimately i'm afraid of getting hurt, of not feeling good enough...so i build a wall between me and others...

how it sometimes manifests is me being sarcastic, in attempting humour but at the same time cutting, and all because i don't want to give away (often but not always) how i'm feeling...yep, definitely did this with FC - i would wind him up about stuff (stuff it turns out he's really sensitive about) in lieu of saying something nice (which is actually what i wanted to say or do but was too scared of being vulnerable or letting him know how much i liked him)...yep, this is a familiar pattern for me and one that i'm not particularly proud of

and as i type this i feel a bit sad, a bit sad that i do this, usually subconsciously...coz the irony is that in fact, rather than allowing people to see the real me, the soft, caring, generous, kind person i am, they see a sarcastic and at times acerbic person...which is not how i want people to experience me...

kinda sad really...and i don't want to think or for you to think that following the feedback/observations of a few, i'm now doubting myself...truth is this has been in my awareness for some time, i guess i just haven't been ready to face it, and honestly, not sure i am now, but it's come up today so maybe the universe thinks it's the right time?

so there is some soul searching ahead about how i might bring awareness to this, how i might change it and ultimately, what i'd like to change my behaviour into? big questions for a sunday morning (and yes, it now is sadly, sunday morning)...what i'd hoped would be a relatively early night has turned into a very late night which given how unwell i've been all week, and still am, is not ideal...

so perhaps the place to start is to just sit with the thoughts, and try and work out 'what i get out of behaving in this way'?....

next post will be about not trying to analyse FC's behaviour....so following him essentially doing his 'drop out of the conversation' last night, i got to wondering about whether or not he could be a true friend to me, and that if things are this difficult between us (at times, not always) is he really someone i would want to have a relationship with, and then sal's input that going from 'in an intimate relationship to being friends' just doesn't seem realistic (for anyone, not just me) and so i'm left feeling confused about him, about us, about what might be....and wondering why it is that for a large part of today i've held onto the hope that he just might come back...hmmm

and it hasn't really made me sad, but i have been very very aware of my thoughts today, how many times he has popped into my head, how many times i've wished for something and some thought about how i might attempt to not analyse our conversations going forward - how instead, i might just try and read them at face value and be in the moment...

anyway, i'm tired, it's after 1am so i'm going to turn in....

more on all of this tomorrow! nite peeps xx

the more i think

about FC's behaviour, the more i think he's not really someone i could consider a true friend...sure he's nice sometimes, sure we get on well, he's smart, he's funny, we get on very well at work, he shows glimmers of being a good friend, but invariably once he's reached out, then he quickly runs away...

and whilst i was really touched by his offer of 'let me know if you need anything' today and later thought his admission that he'd basically bought west wing for me (very sweet), the fact that he then retreats does my head in...

either he does this intentionally, knowingly or he is experiencing some sort of internal conflict? what i do know is that it does my head in...he tells me i'm inappropriate (because a coupla weeks ago i told him i missed him - who doesn't tell their friends they miss them every now and again?) but he reaches out to me, and then either consciously or otherwise once he's been too nice, he retreats....it's beyond frustrating and leaves me confused!

and i know it's just how he is, and i know that i should be able to 'accept' who he is and not judge his behaviour, but truth is, i find it really difficult to handle and it invariably (although much much less these days) leaves me wondering a) where i stand and b) what is realy going on for him?

no fucking clearer than i was months ago, if i'm being honest, on the other hand, i do care less...

so the more i think about it, the more i think he hasn't got what it takes to be a true friend to me....seems there has been much more contact this week too: tues night, thurs night and today/tonight...wonder what the weekend will bring?

ok, well it's bedtime for me...nite peeps, have a fabulous weekend x

really?

really? i just have NO idea how to read FC at all...

honestly, i just have no idea....is it any wonder i am sometimes confused, sometimes get mixed messages, sometimes wish things between us were different?

so after an entire day of facilitating yesterday i called him on the way home to say hi, see if i'd missed anything (i know, maybe i shouldn't have but we agreed Tuesday night that we would do what we felt like and i felt like talking to him - this shouldn't be too much of a surprise given we are work friends, if nothing else)...i also wanted to let him know that it was unlikely i'd be there today which given we have a coupla pieces of work that we are doing together, wanted to make sure he knew...

so today, coupla emails and the first of them ended with 'let me know how tests go and if you need anything'....which i have to say was a really pleasant surprise...leah says he's done that before, but honestly, i'm not sure he has...anyway, i was really touched :-)

figuring that we'd agreed we could be honest, i said that i didn't really need anything except probably company as i was already bored but figured he wouldn't want to do that...to which he responds 'probably not a good idea'...can't disagree necessarily but this is from the man who wanted to be friends, but thinks i don't....but doesn't really appear to want to let go? and sure, neither do i really, but i am trying (mostly) to not initiate contact with him...and why am i doing that? well firstly, even though i'm fine, i feel good, i'm starting to feel much more my happy self and not miss him so much, i still harbour a hope that in time, he'll come back...and sure, by then i may have moved on, or i'll get to a point where i no longer want that, but right now, i still do (and sure it's not as strong as it was and i'm not sad anymore).....

so then later tonight he texts me to see how i am and to provide a tv recommendation (he always was good for this)...tells me he hasn't got west wing yet and says he's going to download something else - i ask if i can borrow it - he says what? i say breaking bad but since you keep telling me i'll like west wing, i assume i can borrow that when it arrives and he says 'why do you think i bought it?'....now that is just sweet! i had no idea he'd bought it for me, i know he'd wanted it but i figured it had nothing to do with me...nice :)

so then i ask him a philosophical question hoping that we might have a discussion about it, following a momentary panic today when i realised that after this current job i have NO idea what i will do...and of course that is because my focus right now is to meet a partner...and his response is telling in some way, but also, completely misses the fact that i'd like to talk about the question - that it was more my own question, rather than a question to him...

and this isn't the first time he's done this - so now essentially he's done with the conversation, and i guess that's ok - i no longer take it quite so personally, but still, i would have thought that such a deep question might highlight to him that it was my question not one i was asking him....?

funny though, i'm not gutted or hurt like i would have been previously - disappointed as i would have liked to have explored it, but anyway...

what was interesting though was his response which was as follows: i know what i'm going to do - i'm going to be 28 forever and xx of xx - i'm just waiting for the world to come into line with me...

i have often thought that he was trying to hold onto his youth - coupla things gave me this impression when we were together, and whilst his boyish charm and sometimes child like behaviour were appealing, i wonder if in the long term, it would have annoyed me? in some ways it reminded me of Ben, and i'm not saying i can't be childish (i can), nor that i don't have a healthy sense of the inner child (i do) but his communication at times and his emotional response to things, was sometimes childish and not really fitting for a man of his age...and truthfully i found that very difficult...

so really? what the hell am i supposed to think? no wonder i'm confused really? but confused is better than upset, and upset i'm not...:)

mbti

is truly one of my favourite tools! so today, even though i was up most of the night coughing and unable to breathe (that's another story entirely) one of my dearest friends and i facilitated not one, but 2 workshops together....funny, this time last week i was having all sorts of reservations about doing it - whether or not it would go ok with us working together for the first time, whether or not i would feel the need to compete with her, feel intimidated by her (she does this for a living - i used to) and whether or not the dynamic would be ok with me in the room (long story, but i'm in snr mnt and figured it might prevent people from contributing or being open)...but NONE of my fears came to fruition...of course!

we facilitated really well together - it flowed, it was fun, we supported each other and i think we complemented each other well - would love to be doing more of it!

i can't believe i managed to last the whole day - of course i'm paying for it now...have taken more ventolin in the last 24 hours than i have in the last year....it hurts to breathe, i can't take a deep breath without that horrible burning sensation in my lungs and coughing, well coughing is just not a good look - it hurts so much that i have a constant headache...

so my bff's hubby tells me there is some lurgy going around and he won't give me antibiotics until they rule some stuff out so it's a chest xray for me tomorrow morning! yep, exactly what i want to be doing on a friday morning when i have soooo much work to do...

oh well, not much i can do!

seems i have found a sort of 'distraction'...hmmm not sure how i feel about it! well, sure i feel good about some of the stuff he says to me, which is usually inappropriate but occasionally just really nice...so today, he says to me that if i need anything i'm not to hesitate to call him over weekend and he'll come around and bring me food and chill out with me - seriously sweet! i like this guy, i do, we've always gotten on well, but it can't go anywhere - not only because we work together (albeit remotely and he's miserably unhappy so will likely leave soon) but also because he's too young and intellectually we aren't a match...that said he does make me feel good about myself (more than i can say for a certain someone else who almost never had this effect on me) and he thinks i'm hot!

only question is whether i would in fact call him if i needed anything - i suspect not! i'm very conscious of not giving him the wrong message and of not getting a reputation at work...even though nobody knows that FC and i actually had a relationship there were rumours....funny, i'm sure if i were a man i wouldn't even give it a 2nd thought!

i'm somewhat confused about FC - his behaviour of Tuesday night i still find difficult to comprehend - someone who was so blunt during the day then asks me if he's upset me? just doesn't make any sense really...and sure i know he does actually care but frankly, it's confusing....i don't really want to get back into any sort of daily routine of out of work texting, especially when i was starting to feel much better (although one can't deny we do get on well) but i can't help but feel that he only contacts me on work stuff to start a conversation when really if he wanted to talk about work he could do it during the day? and sure i'm doing way way better, but the glimmer of hope that he might wake up and realise he wants to be with me, hasn't actually died...it's largely been shelved but what i want is to get to a point where it's not only shelved but starting to collect dust, and eventually i'll forget i ever had that box in the first place...

time, yes, even he said that it would take time, and that's right, but i would like to be free of the hope now...coz really, once the hope is gone, then i suspect it'll be much much easier for me...

anyway, my head is pounding, my chest is sore and i'm going to crawl into bed...

crawl into bed with the following thoughts from my new 'distraction'....'my hot boss' and 'you could get away with playboy you have that look and a good set on you to show off'...really? he tells me this in a text - too funny! anyway, nice to have some male interest....

question is this: will i 'need' something on the weekend and call him and if he wasn't someone i worked with would i consider a 'fling' with him? a fling is all it could be, but still, i reckon it might be fun...

nice thoughts to take to bed!

nite x

the air is 'cleared' as it were...

oh ny god! i thought i liked to analyse things to death, to talk about stuff until there was nothing left to talk about (and i do, this is true) but seriously, i think FC takes the cake sometimes...

so today, as i drove to work in my new car (i LOVE her!) i gave myself the pep talk - he's only a work colleague, he isn't right for you, the relationship never really worked etc etc so that i could continue with my positive mood and 'moving on' phase...

so this was all going very well until his birthday present arrived on my desk....and having not seen him for 3 days, well he was, admittedly, a bit out of sight, out of mind and i liked it! yes, it's true...i enjoyed work far better knowing i wouldn't run into him, knowing i wouldn't have to see him...even though we are getting on very well at work....

so the very minute it arrived i felt my happiness seep from my body, i felt that familiar 'rush' in my stomach and before i could sit and realise what was going on i'd sent him an email...

fuck fuck fuck! really? why on earth do i not sometimes think 'ok the 13 year old girl is driving this, let's just sit with what she wants for a minute'...but no, i'd sent an email, which of course then when he'd answered every single one of our work emails, but not this one, incensed me - and sure, i know he's an istj so shouldn't be concerned by that - his 'tasks' will pretty much always come ahead of people - of course i take that WAY too personally! so i send a follow up, hours later he responds with something i can describe only as blunt...i tell him so, we go back and forth for a minute or two and then i just give up...because his final email says something like 'i thought we'd just let it work itself out, you know take a zen approach coz work has worked out nicely'...or something like that

zen! sure, i like zen, have even been known to try it, but never with him and i've not really seen him do zen - i've seen him do resignation or run away or outright avoid, but not zen....

so i don't respond - this is something i've worked hard to do - and he's the one who's helped with that - early on he never used to respond to things (which drove me nuts - he knows this now) and when i would call him on it he'd say 'didn't think it needed a response' - and he wonders why i occasionally suggested he was rude!

anyway, i didn't respond (like i also didn't respond to his ridiculous text message of saturday morning) and he texts me tonight with 'have i upset you today?'...really?

so i reply with 'yes a little, if you want me to explain you can call, i'll be home by 8.30'...wasn't sure if he would actually call given his stated dislike of phone calls but he did - 40 minutes we talked for and i finally feel like i got some stuff off my chest, cleared the air, as it were...i told him i was tired, tired of doing this, tired of not knowing where we stood with each other, had no idea what he wanted, he said he didn't know either, i told him i felt he always pushed stuff back onto me, he thinks i do the same, he said it was inappropriate of me to say i missed him (although it's been weeks since i said that), i told him it was just my way of dealing with things, we agreed we had different ways of dealing with things, he said he agreed, i said that's one of the things we found attractive about each other in the beginning - the challenging - he agreed....

so zen it is and you know what? i actually feel better - i suggested to him that we just both do what we want to do and go from there - he said it would take time but that he thought we'd find a happy medium...funny, even as i got mad with him he remains calm...always liked that about him...

anyway, the air is cleared, i have a present for his birthday that i suspect he'll get (it's not the custom made cuff links i wanted to get him with his logo on them but still) and we're aiming for zen...

wonder what that's gonna look like? meanwhile, i'm determined to find myself a new distraction....and sure there's a bloke i've been flirting with, but that can't go anywhere...for a number of reasons it can't but still, he thinks i'm gorgeous, he's sweet, he checks in to see how i am and for now, that's nice...

soooo peeps, hope your week is going well and thanks for dropping by x

sooo, if today is anything

to go by, i really would have gotten over him soooo much quicker if we didn't work together...

see, he wasn't there and it was good! and don't get me wrong, i don't hate him, i enjoy working with him, and he's not a bad person, but seeing him there does remind me...

so was just fab to have a day without him there, and i realised just how much better it was...we've had no contact since his non committal stupid text on saturday morning...

shame he never could express what he wanted or how he felt - and even when i thought i was madly in love with him i found it hard to believe i could be so into someone who couldn't do the emotional side of things...and sure, my friends keep telling me that a lot of men can't, but at least being with someone who wants to be with me and will not keep running away, is better than what i had with him...

so even though today was shit from a health perspective (sore throat, headache, fuzzy head, congested head and suspected lurgy onset), emotionally it was good...

yay, i think i am now well and truly on the road - and i'm not referring to the road to Damascus - that sounds cool even though i am certain it has somewhat religious connotations...nope, the road to recovery, the road to a brighter future, the road to a relationship that will be what i want....the road to meeting my mr right....

seems a long time since i found myself thinking about this without putting FC into the frame, but tonight as I drove Georgie home (did i mention how much i LOVE her?) i really did find myself dreaming about a someone that wasn't him

finally! finally we have progress...and not progress like walking on the moon progress, but progress all the same :)

sooo let's see how i go after a meeting with him tomorrow....

i am determined (even though i don't want him to see me as just some work colleague) to try and see him as just some work colleague...!

so, let's hope the feelings of today last well into tomorrow, and beyond....

nite peeps x

the fat lady has

bow definitely sung, and maybe it's just my take on things, but i think she has...

and that might well explain my lowered mood all weekend...:-(

so i finally get a response from him early yesterday morning which i think (and of course i don't know) is his way of saying he doesn't actually want to maintain contact with me outside of work...and sure he didn't say that, but i think that's the gist...

so, now is the time for me to be strong, to remember that in fact that's what i have wanted since the get go (post breaking up) but have been too afraid to say, that i'm the one who has removed his number from my phone and that on the whole, i'm the one who has avoided initiating texts and out of work comms...

so really, NOTHING has changed, and yet i sense that it has - i feel that he has now removed the band aid entirely and of course to me, that feels, very final

and i hate final! oh yes i do, and i have racked my brains trying to work this out but i suspect it has something to do with my childhood experience of abandonment and not being good enough and reality is, this feels like exactly the same thing...

i wasn't good enough for him to really take a chance so he's now upped and left...and sure this might be my take on it, it might simply be that he isn't ready but does in fact really like me, but either way it's academic and doesn't really matter...bottom line is: it's over, i need to put him behind me and move on

and yes, i've been trying to do that, and in fact achieving that in recent weeks, and then i stupidly allow myself to be sucked into a 'dinner' with him so that we can 'talk' - yep, very very silly and frankly i should have known better...when have we EVER talked when we set up such a meeting? never is when

fuck fuck fuck, and i was doing so very well before wed...of course wed was also the day that georgie gti arrived and she comes with a wee bit of sadness in that he has a gti, he came with me to buy her, he negotiated the price etc etc...so it's difficult for me not to be reminded of him every time i get in her, but i must admit that it is short lived, as once i'm in and driving, i love it so much, pretty much all thoughts of him disappear...

so now what to do with the middle of the night and early morning thoughts of him? mostly, i can keep thoughts of him and what might have been (yes i know, i haven't yet managed to entirely let go of the dream, the hopes - in time though right?) at bay, but it seems that when i wake up at 3am (yes, this now, sadly, seems to be something of a daily occurrence) he is the first thing that enters my mind and it's difficult to focus on something else - time and practice i guess will help....

so i didn't have the best day and of course i am left feeling a wee bit guilty that i wasn't my usually vibrant exuberant self for Father's Day with my Dad, but then what can you do? i've never been one who could pretend to feel happy when i'm not and frankly, i'm not sure that i want to be someone who can do that, at least not too easily, although i can definitely see the benefits of being able to carry that off! for one i could be an actress...ha!

well i'll say one thing for FC, he has certainly gotten under my skin...who'd have thought it and a chain smoker (just about) too? fucked if i know how i let that happen..not to mention how he treated me...

yep! lots for me to reflect on, lots for me to learn and lots for me to look forward to in the next relationship....also wonder if half the reason i felt so flat today was because i am coming down with something? my poor little throat is beyond sore :-(

hope it's all better by tomorrow as i have a bloody big week at work ahead....

nite peeps, thanks to all of you who drop in x

truth is it's over and i

don't want it to be, on some level....

but it's true, it's over....

and now it's time for me to focus on me and my upcoming trip to NYC...OMG this time in 5 weeks I will hopefully be just about to check in to my hotel...the hotel that will be my home for 3 weeks...

is there a better place than NYC to get over shattered dreams and hopes and a fragile (no longer broken, yay!) heart?

i doubt it - i have so many cool things planned....i usually don't have much of a routine, but i think i might have something of a holiday routine over there - although knowing me, i'll plan that and then i'll do my usual go with the flow thing...either way, it's gonna be fun!

catching up with some good friends, shopping, hanging out in cafes, speed dating (yes, advice from good friends is that i should try it whilst there - and i'm going to - have done it here once and met a nice bloke who is still a friend) - exercise, writing, baseball, theatre, galleries - so very much to do, oh and a day at the Red Door on 5th Ave!

yep, it's going to be great and i really can't wait....it can't come soon enough, but in some ways (and I must be feeling better) i'm glad it wasn't sooner - coz i was simply too upset and heart broken and i wouldn't have enjoyed it as much as i will now...

i intend to have a LOT of fun!

on that note, i need to get my arse out of bed and get this show on the road! 

adios peeps xx

what sort of

a person asks 'where we stand on something?' and then in response to 'well tell me what you want and we can go from there' responds with 'i don't know really - i imagine it will sort itself out?'....

someone who can't own what he wants for one! well that's my saturday morning reaction to his text message of a couple of hours ago...which, for the record, i've deleted without responding to...i mean really, what would i say?

whatever i thought i wanted to say would only annoy him as i doubt i could say it nicely enough in text (meaning he would misinterpret)....

my thoughts were along the lines of:

 - well you asked me where we stood on something so presumably you have a view of what you want?
 - you've always said you were unclear, and now i've asked you, you're unclear?
 - nothing else in this whole 'relationship' scenario has worked itself out without far too much conversation, why would you imagine this would?

yep, none of them are either productive or read well, so deleting and trying to let go of it and him seems the best option really...

i mean seriously, where is any of this getting me? i really should have listened to my body and my friends re Wed night...more so my body than my friends, see it seems that when i woke up Wed morning i was already anxious and my stomach was tight and tense all day...yep, should really learn to trust myself...and mostly i do, my 13 year old girl is the issue - she doesn't trust my adult self nor the signs of my body - which ironically probably come from her!

if i had felt i could be totally honest with him, without fear of hurting him (hmmmm what about me?) then i would have told him some time ago that i didn't want to be friends (except at work where we do seem to have settled into a nice rhythm, although there are times when i find that difficult as initially that work spark was what led us to have a relationship, so sometimes i find myself feeling nostalgic, and other times hopeful) and that for the time being we should avoid out of work comms (as we have come to refer to all non work comms) as it's easier for me to move on....and since mostly when he initiates these comms they are either about tv shows, my new car or wanting to whinge about his boss or someone at work, really, they aren't the sort of conversations that give me anything - i have often felt like when he contacts me it's self serving and that i end up feeling like he's hooked me back in only to then disappear....

and sure i have some fear around saying 'no out of work comms' but another part of me wonders if he will ever miss me, ever really realise what he's given up if we continue to talk? and of course work makes that hard coz we do spend a fair bit of time together at work, so in my view, there isn't enough distance, enough separation and that's hard...on the other hand, i do believe that everything happens for a reason and that what will be will be, and that what is supposed to be, will also be....

so perhaps i need to just focus on me, find a way to stop the ever present thoughts of him (which admittedly no longer upset me like they did a few weeks ago, but still the film reel of things still plays regularly in my tired little head) continues and seemingly i can't find a way to press pause or stop....

yes, i really need to find a way to get him out of my head...suspect today's therapy session may well focus on that...the worst times are when i wake up at 3am (seems to be a thing for now) and again first thing in the morning on weekends (during the week i'm simply too busy getting ready for work)...

he says he wants to be friends but he doesn't really behave towards me as i'd like a friend to....so, i have no idea really! but i'm frankly starting to get bored of the game we seem to be playing...so perhaps i'll just stop playing? novel thought...but just might be the trick!

ok, well need to make a cake and pack a bag so best i get up and get on with it...happy saturday peeps x