to do....
re Nick that is....
so the other day when he texted me i went back wih 'well plenty of nice shops there to buy me a birthday pressie' or something like that...expecting that he'd ignore it and sort of tongue in cheek
but today (some 2 or 3 days later) he responds, and i think he's seriously going to get me a present - he asked me to remind him when my birthday was (thinking it was 14 Jan)....
so he asks me what i want, i tell him he can choose and he tells me it's a mason and pearson hairbrush which i actually think is a nice pressie...but it made me a bit sad, sad, well maybe more nostalgic for times gone by....times when he would play with my hair....
so it's actually quite a nice pressie, if he gets it, and if i end up with it....
so not sure what to do as i really need to move on from things with him but how on earth can i do that when i see him 5 days a week at work?
fuck! and when i'm not tired nor flu ridden (yes, i think i may actually have the flu) i can put it all into perspective and think logically about it, but tonight, well, logic has left he building....
so, right now as i type this and contemplate crawling into bed, i'm thinking of him and wishing that things were different, and then maybe just maybe, we'd be in new york together...
sign....
books
books
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
i'm in times square....
really? is this something that i need to know?
so that's the text i got from Nick on Xmas Eve....nothing else, no hi, how are you, blah blah, but 'i'm in times square'.....
i honestly don't get him....made me sad really as we had really wanted to go to nyc together...and now he's there on his own....thinking of me whilst in times square...and sure, there were plenty of times i thought about him whilst there but i managed not to get in touch....
seems he had no clue about boundaries, no understanding of just how much he hurt me, no clue about how girls don't really like to be friends with guys they were with, nor how much i was looking forward to a break from him...
of course, doesn't help that the nite before he went i told him i'd miss him....and when i wrote it i thought i would, bu actually it's been kinda nice without him around, esp at work......
and i am not naive enough to think that this phenomenon is because i no longer like him - on the contrary, i'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with still holding out some hope (albeit a very small hope) that he might come back and realise that we should be together....
hmmmm, best i not start fixating on that as really, it's not gonna get me anywhere good!
anyway, whilst a part of me thinks it's nice that he was thinking of me whilst in times square, another part of me wishes he hadn't texted me....
oh well...
so that's the text i got from Nick on Xmas Eve....nothing else, no hi, how are you, blah blah, but 'i'm in times square'.....
i honestly don't get him....made me sad really as we had really wanted to go to nyc together...and now he's there on his own....thinking of me whilst in times square...and sure, there were plenty of times i thought about him whilst there but i managed not to get in touch....
seems he had no clue about boundaries, no understanding of just how much he hurt me, no clue about how girls don't really like to be friends with guys they were with, nor how much i was looking forward to a break from him...
of course, doesn't help that the nite before he went i told him i'd miss him....and when i wrote it i thought i would, bu actually it's been kinda nice without him around, esp at work......
and i am not naive enough to think that this phenomenon is because i no longer like him - on the contrary, i'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with still holding out some hope (albeit a very small hope) that he might come back and realise that we should be together....
hmmmm, best i not start fixating on that as really, it's not gonna get me anywhere good!
anyway, whilst a part of me thinks it's nice that he was thinking of me whilst in times square, another part of me wishes he hadn't texted me....
oh well...
Thursday, December 20, 2012
paradise....
yes, it's true, i'm officially addicted to Coldplay's Paradise....could listen to it over and over again...and Every Teardrop is a Waterfall....simply great album, and great concert!
what else? well, work is slightly better, and even though i was looking forward to 3 weeks sans boss, turns out she isn't having leave...bugger! still suspect she is going to try and shaft a handful of us on our bonuses, but that's not out of the ordinary....sad, but true! and i am going to ask for an increase - doubt that won't go down too well either, but i am (comparatively) under paid and i'm over that....so could be an interesting few weeks...
in other news i bought a beautiful new piece of art for my lounge room....and so the renovation project begins! saw it a couple of weeks ago at Magda's shop....she kindly let me bring it home to see if it would fit before i had to commit to buying it - no sooner than BD had hung it, and i was pretty certain it wasn't going back...and it isn't....so it's a beautiful Nick Giles original....love it!
wardrobe guy came this morning too and by Feb, my room, spare room (which will become the library/reading room) and the hall way will have new cupboards...the most exciting is the 144 pair of shoe capacity custom made shoe cupboard....:O
then there's the new lounge which Magda is quoting me on, the repaint and possible wallpaper, new chandelier and new blinds in my room, a new en suite, new furniture in the reading room (as well as the sale of a couple of existing pieces of furniture), a coat of paint for balcony wall, as well as some outdoor furniture...
see this is why i'm calling it a renovation - loads to be done! thankfully i love the kitchen so nothing to do there....the dining room is still under consideration but both lounge and dining room need new lights, so will be on the hunt for those.....
in essence, what i'm trying to create is my own slice of paradise....my lovely little home is already referred to as the sanctuary by some friends, but now it's time to take it to a new level....it needs a refresh (now that it's 12 years old) in some areas and it's time for me to really put my stamp on it....which i have resisted for a while, thinking that i needed to factor in other people's needs...silly really, since it's my place and for 99% or more of the time it's just me....
so, i'll finish 2012 with a project afoot and some excitement around it....looks like 2013 will be an expensive year too, but maybe not quite as expensive as 2012 which included the addition of Georgie and a $30k holiday (well worth it, and really, how else was i supposed to get over a broken heart?)....
anyway, an early night is on the cards before my last day at work for 5 days....very much looking forward to a mini break, and if i'm lucky, a 4 day weekend next weekend too....
nite
x
what else? well, work is slightly better, and even though i was looking forward to 3 weeks sans boss, turns out she isn't having leave...bugger! still suspect she is going to try and shaft a handful of us on our bonuses, but that's not out of the ordinary....sad, but true! and i am going to ask for an increase - doubt that won't go down too well either, but i am (comparatively) under paid and i'm over that....so could be an interesting few weeks...
in other news i bought a beautiful new piece of art for my lounge room....and so the renovation project begins! saw it a couple of weeks ago at Magda's shop....she kindly let me bring it home to see if it would fit before i had to commit to buying it - no sooner than BD had hung it, and i was pretty certain it wasn't going back...and it isn't....so it's a beautiful Nick Giles original....love it!
wardrobe guy came this morning too and by Feb, my room, spare room (which will become the library/reading room) and the hall way will have new cupboards...the most exciting is the 144 pair of shoe capacity custom made shoe cupboard....:O
then there's the new lounge which Magda is quoting me on, the repaint and possible wallpaper, new chandelier and new blinds in my room, a new en suite, new furniture in the reading room (as well as the sale of a couple of existing pieces of furniture), a coat of paint for balcony wall, as well as some outdoor furniture...
see this is why i'm calling it a renovation - loads to be done! thankfully i love the kitchen so nothing to do there....the dining room is still under consideration but both lounge and dining room need new lights, so will be on the hunt for those.....
in essence, what i'm trying to create is my own slice of paradise....my lovely little home is already referred to as the sanctuary by some friends, but now it's time to take it to a new level....it needs a refresh (now that it's 12 years old) in some areas and it's time for me to really put my stamp on it....which i have resisted for a while, thinking that i needed to factor in other people's needs...silly really, since it's my place and for 99% or more of the time it's just me....
so, i'll finish 2012 with a project afoot and some excitement around it....looks like 2013 will be an expensive year too, but maybe not quite as expensive as 2012 which included the addition of Georgie and a $30k holiday (well worth it, and really, how else was i supposed to get over a broken heart?)....
anyway, an early night is on the cards before my last day at work for 5 days....very much looking forward to a mini break, and if i'm lucky, a 4 day weekend next weekend too....
nite
x
Monday, December 17, 2012
oh and i realised
something else today: my boss doesn't really value the work my team and i do...yep, pretty fucking depressing really....
and sad too that this realisation came on a day when myself and Leah finished delivering the first of 7 management programs at work to great feedback and applause - and even a bunch of beautiful flowers from the morning group....
so, a day of contradiction really....
and sad too that this realisation came on a day when myself and Leah finished delivering the first of 7 management programs at work to great feedback and applause - and even a bunch of beautiful flowers from the morning group....
so, a day of contradiction really....
i'm smack bang in the midst of
a universal lesson...
OMG, in the last week or so, on no less than 4 occasions i have been tested with respect to boundaries...
something historically i haven't been very good at...but it seems as this year comes to a close, the universe is sending me multiple opportunities to test out my new found skills....
so last week, when BD came over for dinner, things 'drifted'...yep, sound familiar? so after dinner i found myself on couch with him, ended up with my head in his lap chatting and him playing with my hair...this is not, in my experience, and having consulted with friends (although i didn't need to), what friends do...so the next night we have the conversation....basically i tell him that it's obvious we like each other, there is a mutual attraction there but that this in between friends and a relationship, this flirty friends, won't work for me...amazing! have never done that before and it felt good, albeit very scary and funny thing is, he's absolutely fine with it....felt very brave to do it, but a good result as we are still friends, and i love him as a friend...
so then, imagine my surprise, that when i get home from chatting to BD, there's a text from Chris...initially a 'how are you, long time no speak' text, but the next day it deteriorates to him asking me if i'll sleep with him....hmmm! so i tell him i won't, that i want to be friends or nothing....he runs away (this is normal) then today, starts up again and i've now told him it's friend or the end of the road - and sure that not exactly what i want (meaning, we were best friends once, albeit a long time ago, and i think it might be nice to try friends)...but again, i'm not doing this flirty friend shit which just leaves me feeling confused....
he's not decided and that's fine - see he claims that friends for him is difficult as he can't be seen with me - i won't tolerate some hidden, secretive, clandestine relationship, so guess he's got a decision to make....
then there's Nick! fuck....what to do with him? and this one is more difficult, so more will be said on this - just not tonight as my back is sore so i've valiumed up and even as i type i can feel myself slowing down...
so it's au revoir for now - until the next instalment
OMG, in the last week or so, on no less than 4 occasions i have been tested with respect to boundaries...
something historically i haven't been very good at...but it seems as this year comes to a close, the universe is sending me multiple opportunities to test out my new found skills....
so last week, when BD came over for dinner, things 'drifted'...yep, sound familiar? so after dinner i found myself on couch with him, ended up with my head in his lap chatting and him playing with my hair...this is not, in my experience, and having consulted with friends (although i didn't need to), what friends do...so the next night we have the conversation....basically i tell him that it's obvious we like each other, there is a mutual attraction there but that this in between friends and a relationship, this flirty friends, won't work for me...amazing! have never done that before and it felt good, albeit very scary and funny thing is, he's absolutely fine with it....felt very brave to do it, but a good result as we are still friends, and i love him as a friend...
so then, imagine my surprise, that when i get home from chatting to BD, there's a text from Chris...initially a 'how are you, long time no speak' text, but the next day it deteriorates to him asking me if i'll sleep with him....hmmm! so i tell him i won't, that i want to be friends or nothing....he runs away (this is normal) then today, starts up again and i've now told him it's friend or the end of the road - and sure that not exactly what i want (meaning, we were best friends once, albeit a long time ago, and i think it might be nice to try friends)...but again, i'm not doing this flirty friend shit which just leaves me feeling confused....
he's not decided and that's fine - see he claims that friends for him is difficult as he can't be seen with me - i won't tolerate some hidden, secretive, clandestine relationship, so guess he's got a decision to make....
then there's Nick! fuck....what to do with him? and this one is more difficult, so more will be said on this - just not tonight as my back is sore so i've valiumed up and even as i type i can feel myself slowing down...
so it's au revoir for now - until the next instalment
Sunday, December 16, 2012
as 2012 comes
to a close i find myself reflecting on the year that's been, and it's been a big year - a year of many lessons, many ups and downs, some great moments, some not so good, significant learnings, a fabulous holiday, some realisations and mostly, a year that whilst i will be happy to see the end of, a year that had to happen....
and still it seems, that despite all the learnings, all the heartache, Nick can still get under my skin....so yesterday he texts me (i am surprised as i am sure he's en route to NYC)...turns out he was back for a few days in between Bali and NYC....turns out he wants to know something about work as well as tell me about his Homeland viewing nightmare! i respond with something, few texts back and forth, he says i can call, i don't....
then today, another text...which i just roll my eyes at....some whinge about work - he really is obsessed with the place...it's funny, i said to him tonight, that if i didn't know better, i'd say he loves the place....i actually think he has a huge need to feel important and work is it for him....he would never admit it, but i think it's true...he asked me to basically check up on his staff as he thinks they are going to do nothing whilst he's away - god, i didn't even think about that when i was going - but then i'm a different sort of manager to him and i trust my team! weird....
he has some very strange views - then he said something that i decided to take personally (probably shouldn't have) and he tells me i'm an idiot!
a part of me wonders why, when he is on holiday, he's still texting me to talk about work.....and then another part of me thinks that maybe he likes talking to me (of course he does, i already know this), and it's difficult not to read anything into it....
but then, there are things he does, or doesn't do more like, that drive me nuts and honestly, he's so bloody repetitive at times it does my head in - same thing over and over and over again - perhaps it's because he's drunk so much in his life that his memory really is shit? no less than 4 times he banged on about the same thing tonight...makes me wonder why i didn't notice it when we were together? maybe i didn't want to see it?
funny though, as i have had a number of occasions this week to firmly put boundaries in place (with Sam with Chris and with BD)...funny to think that i just could not find the courage to put a boundary in place with Nick...and all because i thought he'd reject me, when it turns out, he rejected me anyway...
but the good news is, despite him sometimes pushing my buttons and getting under my skin, i am over him...sure i still like him and a very very very small part of me may still wish him to ask me back, but he's not going to and that's actually good, as even though we get on well, trust each other etc, he is just not the sort of person who would be good for me in a relationship....and whilst i'm sure he doesn't mean to be so 'all about him', he's just not capable of offering any true emotional support...and bless him, he tries, but he just can't and one thing i know for sure is that i want to be with someone who can do that....
so, it would seem that as 2012 draws to a close, i have learnt about boundaries, i have learnt to listen to my body and this is good....
the 2012 year in review will follow at some point, although i doubt it'll be an overly 'happy' summary....
until then!
and still it seems, that despite all the learnings, all the heartache, Nick can still get under my skin....so yesterday he texts me (i am surprised as i am sure he's en route to NYC)...turns out he was back for a few days in between Bali and NYC....turns out he wants to know something about work as well as tell me about his Homeland viewing nightmare! i respond with something, few texts back and forth, he says i can call, i don't....
then today, another text...which i just roll my eyes at....some whinge about work - he really is obsessed with the place...it's funny, i said to him tonight, that if i didn't know better, i'd say he loves the place....i actually think he has a huge need to feel important and work is it for him....he would never admit it, but i think it's true...he asked me to basically check up on his staff as he thinks they are going to do nothing whilst he's away - god, i didn't even think about that when i was going - but then i'm a different sort of manager to him and i trust my team! weird....
he has some very strange views - then he said something that i decided to take personally (probably shouldn't have) and he tells me i'm an idiot!
a part of me wonders why, when he is on holiday, he's still texting me to talk about work.....and then another part of me thinks that maybe he likes talking to me (of course he does, i already know this), and it's difficult not to read anything into it....
but then, there are things he does, or doesn't do more like, that drive me nuts and honestly, he's so bloody repetitive at times it does my head in - same thing over and over and over again - perhaps it's because he's drunk so much in his life that his memory really is shit? no less than 4 times he banged on about the same thing tonight...makes me wonder why i didn't notice it when we were together? maybe i didn't want to see it?
funny though, as i have had a number of occasions this week to firmly put boundaries in place (with Sam with Chris and with BD)...funny to think that i just could not find the courage to put a boundary in place with Nick...and all because i thought he'd reject me, when it turns out, he rejected me anyway...
but the good news is, despite him sometimes pushing my buttons and getting under my skin, i am over him...sure i still like him and a very very very small part of me may still wish him to ask me back, but he's not going to and that's actually good, as even though we get on well, trust each other etc, he is just not the sort of person who would be good for me in a relationship....and whilst i'm sure he doesn't mean to be so 'all about him', he's just not capable of offering any true emotional support...and bless him, he tries, but he just can't and one thing i know for sure is that i want to be with someone who can do that....
so, it would seem that as 2012 draws to a close, i have learnt about boundaries, i have learnt to listen to my body and this is good....
the 2012 year in review will follow at some point, although i doubt it'll be an overly 'happy' summary....
until then!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
i know now what i couldn't have
known before i did it, but, i actually don't think i'm ready....
so tonight, following my speed dating event tuesday where i met a nice bloke, i had a date...my first one since Nick and up until about an hour before he was due to pick me up, i was looking forward to it...
bu as he time drew nearer, i found myself observing how i was feeling - and ambivalent is probably he best word i can come up with...i'd be lying if i didn't also admit to some nerves....
anyway, he kindly came and picked me up, we drove to Rozelle, and even though it wasn't to the Welcome, i just felt myself start to feel uncomfortable and also reminded of the times when i would go to Balmain/Rozelle to be with Nick....
so, we had a drink, had a bite to eat and we talked lots - mainly he asked me questions and i talked, but i didn't really find myself wanting to ask him lots of questions (surely that's a sign...)...on the way he was telling me about his sisters, and it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn't been honest about his age....see i used to work with one of his sisters, she is younger than him and she's 47....i'm pretty sure that the age range for men didn't go up to 47! not that 47 is an issue, but if he lied, then that's an issue....
and then it occurred to me as i was talking that i'd rather be at home, watching cricket, curled up on my couch and in that moment i realised that perhaps i wasn't ready....
and sure, i'm still glad i cancelled my dinner plans with Nick tomorrow night, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to be 'out there'...or maybe i'm just not ready to be out there with this particular guy...
anyway, i feel flat and a bit sad...
seems the whole thing with Nick possibly took more of a toll on me than i thought, and whilst i don't necessarily want to 'go back' (i don't), i do still like him, i miss him (occasionally) and tonight, that small part of me who wishes he would beg me to take him back, well she's very much alive and here...
so i'm going to crawl into bed and hope that i wake up feeling a bit more positive tomorrow...on a more positive note, i think that even though i've realised i'm not ready, i'm also quite happy to (for now) embrace being single, and enjoy this time to myself...
nite
so tonight, following my speed dating event tuesday where i met a nice bloke, i had a date...my first one since Nick and up until about an hour before he was due to pick me up, i was looking forward to it...
bu as he time drew nearer, i found myself observing how i was feeling - and ambivalent is probably he best word i can come up with...i'd be lying if i didn't also admit to some nerves....
anyway, he kindly came and picked me up, we drove to Rozelle, and even though it wasn't to the Welcome, i just felt myself start to feel uncomfortable and also reminded of the times when i would go to Balmain/Rozelle to be with Nick....
so, we had a drink, had a bite to eat and we talked lots - mainly he asked me questions and i talked, but i didn't really find myself wanting to ask him lots of questions (surely that's a sign...)...on the way he was telling me about his sisters, and it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn't been honest about his age....see i used to work with one of his sisters, she is younger than him and she's 47....i'm pretty sure that the age range for men didn't go up to 47! not that 47 is an issue, but if he lied, then that's an issue....
and then it occurred to me as i was talking that i'd rather be at home, watching cricket, curled up on my couch and in that moment i realised that perhaps i wasn't ready....
and sure, i'm still glad i cancelled my dinner plans with Nick tomorrow night, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to be 'out there'...or maybe i'm just not ready to be out there with this particular guy...
anyway, i feel flat and a bit sad...
seems the whole thing with Nick possibly took more of a toll on me than i thought, and whilst i don't necessarily want to 'go back' (i don't), i do still like him, i miss him (occasionally) and tonight, that small part of me who wishes he would beg me to take him back, well she's very much alive and here...
so i'm going to crawl into bed and hope that i wake up feeling a bit more positive tomorrow...on a more positive note, i think that even though i've realised i'm not ready, i'm also quite happy to (for now) embrace being single, and enjoy this time to myself...
nite
Thursday, November 29, 2012
how long has it been since i had a
genuine saturday night date? a while....
so, following the holiday i promised myself i would 'get out there' a bit...you know, not expect that i could meet a man by doing nothing...and sure, that would work if i would consider dating anyone at work again, but after the horror experience with Nick, well that's just not gonna happen...not only is there my reputation to protect, but my delicate little heart which is only just over the hurt of earlier this year...
so a couple of weeks ago i signed up for a speed dating event and i wasn't 100% sure that it was a good idea, nor that i'd enjoy it, nor that i might meet anyone i'd want to see again, but i figured it was a good way to dip my toes in the water and get into the groove...
so, tuesday night, i drive into town, mentally gear myself up, although i was soooo tired (having been awake since 4.30am) that honestly, i just thought, do it, then you can go to bed...
met about 4 - 5 men i thought 'sure, i could see you again', so ticked their boxes (that has a vaguely sexual ring to it, but it's how the whole process works, the if there is mutual ticking of boxes, they send you the email address of those the next day)....
as i left, having had one amazing conversation with a bloke who i thought, yep you are definitely the pick of the bunch, i see him standing outside...by that time it was pissing down raining, so we chatted under cover for a little while then made our way to our respective cars - not after he'd said he wishes he'd had an umbrella so he could walk me to my car, or that if his car were closer, that he'd drive me...and not before asking for my number....
we exchanged numbers, he asked me who would call who - i was a bit cheeky and suggested as he was the bloke, he should...
so, last night i get home after a long day (seems this week has been full of long and stressful days but at least the colleague of last week who upset me is playing nicely this week, with me anyway - not with other peers and not with his staff, well not according to Nick) and there is a text asking me if i would like to have drinks and/or dinner with him friday...
few texts back and forth, coz of course i'm not free friday night, and we land on saturday night - prime real estate (as he referred to it)...
so, anyway, i think it could be a really nice evening - smart smart guy, kinda cute, refined, funny, creative, successful, seems to be able to enquire how i am in text conversations and is clearly a gentleman...all good!
so, saturday night is date night.....yay!
so, following the holiday i promised myself i would 'get out there' a bit...you know, not expect that i could meet a man by doing nothing...and sure, that would work if i would consider dating anyone at work again, but after the horror experience with Nick, well that's just not gonna happen...not only is there my reputation to protect, but my delicate little heart which is only just over the hurt of earlier this year...
so a couple of weeks ago i signed up for a speed dating event and i wasn't 100% sure that it was a good idea, nor that i'd enjoy it, nor that i might meet anyone i'd want to see again, but i figured it was a good way to dip my toes in the water and get into the groove...
so, tuesday night, i drive into town, mentally gear myself up, although i was soooo tired (having been awake since 4.30am) that honestly, i just thought, do it, then you can go to bed...
met about 4 - 5 men i thought 'sure, i could see you again', so ticked their boxes (that has a vaguely sexual ring to it, but it's how the whole process works, the if there is mutual ticking of boxes, they send you the email address of those the next day)....
as i left, having had one amazing conversation with a bloke who i thought, yep you are definitely the pick of the bunch, i see him standing outside...by that time it was pissing down raining, so we chatted under cover for a little while then made our way to our respective cars - not after he'd said he wishes he'd had an umbrella so he could walk me to my car, or that if his car were closer, that he'd drive me...and not before asking for my number....
we exchanged numbers, he asked me who would call who - i was a bit cheeky and suggested as he was the bloke, he should...
so, last night i get home after a long day (seems this week has been full of long and stressful days but at least the colleague of last week who upset me is playing nicely this week, with me anyway - not with other peers and not with his staff, well not according to Nick) and there is a text asking me if i would like to have drinks and/or dinner with him friday...
few texts back and forth, coz of course i'm not free friday night, and we land on saturday night - prime real estate (as he referred to it)...
so, anyway, i think it could be a really nice evening - smart smart guy, kinda cute, refined, funny, creative, successful, seems to be able to enquire how i am in text conversations and is clearly a gentleman...all good!
so, saturday night is date night.....yay!
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
a step in the
right direction is probably what i did today but it feels kinda weird...
i feel a bit sad, a bit empty and i guess weird...but in my head (and whilst i'm reluctant to admit it, probably in my heart too) i know it was the right thing to do...still, i feel a bit lost
so a coupla weeks ago Nick offered to come and sort of my universal remote once the new telly arrived...initially i didn't respond but last weekend in the middle of my post CFO meeting which went pear shaped meltdown, i reached out to Nick and asked him if he'd come fix it....
so we made plans for this coming Sunday - yes, i know right - what was i thinking? Sunday was always our night and almost as soon as i'd agreed the date with him i realised that it probably wasn't a good idea
the last thing i need right now, when i'm finally back on my feet, is to start thinking about 'what if', or to feel even remotely inclined to fall back into the old pattern with him...and i've only just cleansed the house of him (well i think i have), so really, inviting him back into my home just didn't really seem well advised...
and so, after a couple of days of contemplation, i simply told him that i could no longer do sunday but thx.....in typical Nick fashion his response is simply 'ok'....
and so i think we refer to this as an ending, a closure, but perhaps, really what it is, is a new start, a new beginning and the chance for something else to enter my life....
so whilst i'm a little sad, feel like it really is the end, it also feels good, i feel good that i've taken control...
now if that quiet nagging voice would stop, it'd all be good!
nite....
ps in other news, i have a date saturday!
i feel a bit sad, a bit empty and i guess weird...but in my head (and whilst i'm reluctant to admit it, probably in my heart too) i know it was the right thing to do...still, i feel a bit lost
so a coupla weeks ago Nick offered to come and sort of my universal remote once the new telly arrived...initially i didn't respond but last weekend in the middle of my post CFO meeting which went pear shaped meltdown, i reached out to Nick and asked him if he'd come fix it....
so we made plans for this coming Sunday - yes, i know right - what was i thinking? Sunday was always our night and almost as soon as i'd agreed the date with him i realised that it probably wasn't a good idea
the last thing i need right now, when i'm finally back on my feet, is to start thinking about 'what if', or to feel even remotely inclined to fall back into the old pattern with him...and i've only just cleansed the house of him (well i think i have), so really, inviting him back into my home just didn't really seem well advised...
and so, after a couple of days of contemplation, i simply told him that i could no longer do sunday but thx.....in typical Nick fashion his response is simply 'ok'....
and so i think we refer to this as an ending, a closure, but perhaps, really what it is, is a new start, a new beginning and the chance for something else to enter my life....
so whilst i'm a little sad, feel like it really is the end, it also feels good, i feel good that i've taken control...
now if that quiet nagging voice would stop, it'd all be good!
nite....
ps in other news, i have a date saturday!
Monday, November 26, 2012
are we friends now?
so i'm not sure i even know if i know the answer to this question, but are we?
i'm not sure to be honest, but it seems as though there has a been a shift, a definite shift....
so, last week he offered to redo my universal remote if i made him risotto, after a long chat one night he says 'night x'...of course i challenged him on this as i actually think, after everything, he would see how wrong this is....then he asked me if i was free for lunch so we could talk about 'how we are supposed to be with each other', but i declined as i actually didn't want to have the chat....
and we haven't had the chat, and that's ok....i actually listened to something he said ages ago which was that it would all work itself out....and i think it probably has...
so, he is coming over sunday to do the remote, i guess i'll make us dinner, and shit, really? i'm not entirely sure that's a good idea, on the other hand, perhaps it is closure of some sort...a final chapter as it were?
dunno really....i oscillate between feeling completely ok with the idea that we could be friends and at other times i fondly long for things to be as they were (although that can't be right, as mostly, things were shit....i never knew where i stood and was mostly miserable and hanging on for any crumb he might throw my way)....and then there's the times when i remember that i don't think he'd actually be a good friend?
so, i have absolutely no idea: no idea if we could be friends, no idea if we are friends, no idea if i want to be friends with him and slightly more than no idea about whether or no i should go ahead with sunday...
plenty to think about!
i'm not sure to be honest, but it seems as though there has a been a shift, a definite shift....
so, last week he offered to redo my universal remote if i made him risotto, after a long chat one night he says 'night x'...of course i challenged him on this as i actually think, after everything, he would see how wrong this is....then he asked me if i was free for lunch so we could talk about 'how we are supposed to be with each other', but i declined as i actually didn't want to have the chat....
and we haven't had the chat, and that's ok....i actually listened to something he said ages ago which was that it would all work itself out....and i think it probably has...
so, he is coming over sunday to do the remote, i guess i'll make us dinner, and shit, really? i'm not entirely sure that's a good idea, on the other hand, perhaps it is closure of some sort...a final chapter as it were?
dunno really....i oscillate between feeling completely ok with the idea that we could be friends and at other times i fondly long for things to be as they were (although that can't be right, as mostly, things were shit....i never knew where i stood and was mostly miserable and hanging on for any crumb he might throw my way)....and then there's the times when i remember that i don't think he'd actually be a good friend?
so, i have absolutely no idea: no idea if we could be friends, no idea if we are friends, no idea if i want to be friends with him and slightly more than no idea about whether or no i should go ahead with sunday...
plenty to think about!
Saturday, November 24, 2012
seems being in my head
is not really serving me right now...
so it really was a big week at work, and big does not necessarily equate to good - lots of 'feedback' conversations with one member of my team, a team discussion where i expressed my discontent at some of my priorities which just weren't a priority for them, me feeling a bit 'bad' that i'd let my frustration bubble over into something not quite as constructive as i'd like, but of course i'm big enough to say sorry and make amends (this is something i love about myself even though i'd prefer not to have to make apologies, but i'm human, so occasionally it's gonna happen), then following my previous feedback to 'new guy' and feedback from our boss to him he emailed to say he'd like to catch up and one item to talk about was our work relationship - so i was excited and hopeful and in some way thinking that he must have had some time to reflect on the impact he's been having (not just on me as it turns out but on a broader audience, including his own team, most of whom think he's a complete and utter dickhead)....
so i go to meeting, he's late (this seems typical) and there's me sort of hoping for an apology from him, or at the least an acknowledgement that perhaps he hasn't being playing nicely, but noooo what i get is what feels like both barrels and him saying there are some 'serious issues on both sides'....fuck, didn't see that coming. so what ensued was in parts a heated discussion, at times me sharing my perspective on things with him (about how my boss likes to run things, why i'm there etc etc) and i'm certain i probably will end up regretting being so candid with him...there were a few moments were he seemed to have understood the feedback he was given by our boss (and i essentially knew what would be said as she spent an hour on the phone with me preparing for the conversation with him - that's my job after all)...but seriously, it could not have gone worse even if i'd imagined it....i think he still has NO clue about how he comes across, despite myself, another colleague and our boss giving him feedback....and to make matters worse i am certain he is a pathological liar - not once but twice he has lied to me which makes me think that perhaps FC is right (he thinks he's mentally imbalanced!) and that i'm on a hiding to nothing - because no matter what the truth is, he'll find a way to create his own version of the truth which he will stick to....
frankly, it's a nightmare and one i don't want to be dealing with, but what alternative have i got? worse thing is that he said that him and all of his direct reports find dealing with my team an obstacle and that we all pretty much always say no....that is complete and utter bullshit, especially given how hard we have worked to build a relationship with them and assist in cleaning up some of their crap - still, i'll take on the feedback and look within myself to see if i have contributed to this and if i can do things differently going forward, but it occurs to me that i have been in this job for 16 months, and worked for our boss, for nearly a year before that, that she hand picked me into this role and in the time we've worked together she has never taken me aside and given me the sort of feedback she had to give him...and yes, i have had the sort of typical relationship forming challenges that is typical in my role (after all, a lot of the time i'm there to give the bad news), and yes i've had some heart to hearts with colleagues so we can move forward - but none because people have complained to her about me...which is what has happened to him after only 7 weeks in the job...
and i'm feeling bad? and inadequate? fuck, seriously....i should take a long hard look in the mirror, remind myself how i was feeling just the other day (creative following a break, valued, comfortable in the knowledge that i am making a difference etc) and not let the behaviour of one new, insecure, highly paid (in fact over paid in my humble opinion), possibly mental imbalanced, complete and utter dickhead sway my sense of self...
but, as Sal pointed out to me, i tend to let this happen - FC was one example of it, and this twat is another....and then Leah pointed out to me that she thinks this is common to my relationship with ESTJ's or ISTJ's....and whilst I don't know what his profile is, I'm pretty certain, based on behaviour that he'd have to be either an ESTJ or and ISTJ....even though he says he's big picture, the amount of detail i see him going into would indicate an S, although he is new so may just be getting up to speed - either way, this is clear: i don't like him, i don't trust him and i need to find a way to not let him get under my skin...big task that one!
so of course that, being tired, having had a drink last night, and then spending the afternoon on my own allowing myself to let what he said get to me, resulting in me thinking i'm not good enough just upset me.....got myself worked into quite a tiz, observed myself spiralling into 'i'm not good enough' thinking (not a great place to be on a saturday afternoon), found myself starting to imagine him saying to me 'do you have a partner?' and then starting to feel inadequate about that too...
fuck, is this for real? this is someone who came highly recommended, is supposed to have good management/leadership capability....i think not!
anyway, i feel better having purged here, i've had a nice day, despite probably letting my emotions get the better of me....
otherwise, it's been a big week on other fronts too: my friend Sarah's baby died, went to the funeral on Wed (very difficult) but BD kindly came with me, realised as we were sitting in the chapel and he grabbed my hand that he wasn't relationship material and then he was cranky with me Thursday as i happened to admit that something FC did annoyed me and he let it rip....which in turn caused me to think that he'd crossed the line - in telling me that i should lie to FC, tell him i was seeing someone else, and that he needed to leave me alone - part of me thought it cute that he is very protective of me, another part of me felt annoyed that he doesn't trust me to sort it out myself...interesting as i felt he'd crossed a boundary and turns out i am becoming much more adept at creating and maintaining boundaries - go figure! loving that...so much so, last week when FC and i were having a chat/text, he put a 'x' after saying goodnight and i asked him if he thought that was appropriate? funny how far things have come, or really, funny how far I have come...
and in another twist of irony, FC asked me yesterday how i was going with my book and had i written anymore in the last 8 months...really? hasn't yet sunk into his head that the entire time we were together or the months afterwards where i was trying to put myself back together, might not be the optimal time to finish a novel about choices and love? one more nail in his coffin...not to mention he tells me the same stuff over and over, really only seems to want to have contact with me when he wants me to listen to him (and admittedly he's very supportive of me at work), but really, what else is there?
i think perhaps that i hoped that he would be something he's not and really, if i'd not had my blinkers on or been so keen for him to become this mythical person i hoped he would be, maybe i would not have been so hurt....
oh well! seems i've learned a lesson: that hoping someone will be something is very very different to seeing them for who they are and accepting that....
and so, as i get ready to turn my light off and go to sleep, i feel a bit better than i did only hours ago....so, nite!
ps and sure i've probably not written about everything i wanted to say about this week, but i can do that tomorrow...
so it really was a big week at work, and big does not necessarily equate to good - lots of 'feedback' conversations with one member of my team, a team discussion where i expressed my discontent at some of my priorities which just weren't a priority for them, me feeling a bit 'bad' that i'd let my frustration bubble over into something not quite as constructive as i'd like, but of course i'm big enough to say sorry and make amends (this is something i love about myself even though i'd prefer not to have to make apologies, but i'm human, so occasionally it's gonna happen), then following my previous feedback to 'new guy' and feedback from our boss to him he emailed to say he'd like to catch up and one item to talk about was our work relationship - so i was excited and hopeful and in some way thinking that he must have had some time to reflect on the impact he's been having (not just on me as it turns out but on a broader audience, including his own team, most of whom think he's a complete and utter dickhead)....
so i go to meeting, he's late (this seems typical) and there's me sort of hoping for an apology from him, or at the least an acknowledgement that perhaps he hasn't being playing nicely, but noooo what i get is what feels like both barrels and him saying there are some 'serious issues on both sides'....fuck, didn't see that coming. so what ensued was in parts a heated discussion, at times me sharing my perspective on things with him (about how my boss likes to run things, why i'm there etc etc) and i'm certain i probably will end up regretting being so candid with him...there were a few moments were he seemed to have understood the feedback he was given by our boss (and i essentially knew what would be said as she spent an hour on the phone with me preparing for the conversation with him - that's my job after all)...but seriously, it could not have gone worse even if i'd imagined it....i think he still has NO clue about how he comes across, despite myself, another colleague and our boss giving him feedback....and to make matters worse i am certain he is a pathological liar - not once but twice he has lied to me which makes me think that perhaps FC is right (he thinks he's mentally imbalanced!) and that i'm on a hiding to nothing - because no matter what the truth is, he'll find a way to create his own version of the truth which he will stick to....
frankly, it's a nightmare and one i don't want to be dealing with, but what alternative have i got? worse thing is that he said that him and all of his direct reports find dealing with my team an obstacle and that we all pretty much always say no....that is complete and utter bullshit, especially given how hard we have worked to build a relationship with them and assist in cleaning up some of their crap - still, i'll take on the feedback and look within myself to see if i have contributed to this and if i can do things differently going forward, but it occurs to me that i have been in this job for 16 months, and worked for our boss, for nearly a year before that, that she hand picked me into this role and in the time we've worked together she has never taken me aside and given me the sort of feedback she had to give him...and yes, i have had the sort of typical relationship forming challenges that is typical in my role (after all, a lot of the time i'm there to give the bad news), and yes i've had some heart to hearts with colleagues so we can move forward - but none because people have complained to her about me...which is what has happened to him after only 7 weeks in the job...
and i'm feeling bad? and inadequate? fuck, seriously....i should take a long hard look in the mirror, remind myself how i was feeling just the other day (creative following a break, valued, comfortable in the knowledge that i am making a difference etc) and not let the behaviour of one new, insecure, highly paid (in fact over paid in my humble opinion), possibly mental imbalanced, complete and utter dickhead sway my sense of self...
but, as Sal pointed out to me, i tend to let this happen - FC was one example of it, and this twat is another....and then Leah pointed out to me that she thinks this is common to my relationship with ESTJ's or ISTJ's....and whilst I don't know what his profile is, I'm pretty certain, based on behaviour that he'd have to be either an ESTJ or and ISTJ....even though he says he's big picture, the amount of detail i see him going into would indicate an S, although he is new so may just be getting up to speed - either way, this is clear: i don't like him, i don't trust him and i need to find a way to not let him get under my skin...big task that one!
so of course that, being tired, having had a drink last night, and then spending the afternoon on my own allowing myself to let what he said get to me, resulting in me thinking i'm not good enough just upset me.....got myself worked into quite a tiz, observed myself spiralling into 'i'm not good enough' thinking (not a great place to be on a saturday afternoon), found myself starting to imagine him saying to me 'do you have a partner?' and then starting to feel inadequate about that too...
fuck, is this for real? this is someone who came highly recommended, is supposed to have good management/leadership capability....i think not!
anyway, i feel better having purged here, i've had a nice day, despite probably letting my emotions get the better of me....
otherwise, it's been a big week on other fronts too: my friend Sarah's baby died, went to the funeral on Wed (very difficult) but BD kindly came with me, realised as we were sitting in the chapel and he grabbed my hand that he wasn't relationship material and then he was cranky with me Thursday as i happened to admit that something FC did annoyed me and he let it rip....which in turn caused me to think that he'd crossed the line - in telling me that i should lie to FC, tell him i was seeing someone else, and that he needed to leave me alone - part of me thought it cute that he is very protective of me, another part of me felt annoyed that he doesn't trust me to sort it out myself...interesting as i felt he'd crossed a boundary and turns out i am becoming much more adept at creating and maintaining boundaries - go figure! loving that...so much so, last week when FC and i were having a chat/text, he put a 'x' after saying goodnight and i asked him if he thought that was appropriate? funny how far things have come, or really, funny how far I have come...
and in another twist of irony, FC asked me yesterday how i was going with my book and had i written anymore in the last 8 months...really? hasn't yet sunk into his head that the entire time we were together or the months afterwards where i was trying to put myself back together, might not be the optimal time to finish a novel about choices and love? one more nail in his coffin...not to mention he tells me the same stuff over and over, really only seems to want to have contact with me when he wants me to listen to him (and admittedly he's very supportive of me at work), but really, what else is there?
i think perhaps that i hoped that he would be something he's not and really, if i'd not had my blinkers on or been so keen for him to become this mythical person i hoped he would be, maybe i would not have been so hurt....
oh well! seems i've learned a lesson: that hoping someone will be something is very very different to seeing them for who they are and accepting that....
and so, as i get ready to turn my light off and go to sleep, i feel a bit better than i did only hours ago....so, nite!
ps and sure i've probably not written about everything i wanted to say about this week, but i can do that tomorrow...
Monday, November 19, 2012
i'm so fabulous i
should have my own fragrance! ha
so bff leah told me she'd seen a card with that on it and it reminded her of me....
too funny....
life is good right now, loving work, loving my bff's and just starting to get my sarah groove back! not before time...
will provide an fc update at some point - not a great deal to tell other than how stable i feel, and mostly, how strong, but he did overstep a boundary last week...
the fact that i even think there are boundaries is a good sign!
so bff leah told me she'd seen a card with that on it and it reminded her of me....
too funny....
life is good right now, loving work, loving my bff's and just starting to get my sarah groove back! not before time...
will provide an fc update at some point - not a great deal to tell other than how stable i feel, and mostly, how strong, but he did overstep a boundary last week...
the fact that i even think there are boundaries is a good sign!
is it possible
that my blog has lost it's appeal? or is it just that i'm feeling much better, so don't feel the need to purge?
unsure, will ponder on that....but it's true, i hardly wrote it whilst i was away - and that might be because i was busy, and still very much in 'getting over Nick' mode....i was also trying to break some patterns, and one of those patterns was blogging about him, about how i felt etc....so if nothing else, that was good...
but since i've been back, i have hardly blogged at all...
interesting! will keep an eye on it.....
unsure, will ponder on that....but it's true, i hardly wrote it whilst i was away - and that might be because i was busy, and still very much in 'getting over Nick' mode....i was also trying to break some patterns, and one of those patterns was blogging about him, about how i felt etc....so if nothing else, that was good...
but since i've been back, i have hardly blogged at all...
interesting! will keep an eye on it.....
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
totally crappy day...
no other way to describe it really....
so it started with me waking up at 5am and not being able to get back to sleep - never a good start...but lately, seems to be the order of the day...this whole lack of sleep thing is really starting to get to me - not such a big deal when you are on holiday as you don't have to function, and can take naps pretty much whenever you feel like it...on the other hand, when you are doing a big job and have a lot on, it's just not possible to be 'off your game'....
aarrgghh!
so then, it was going ok until i had a meeting with someone new to our team, and someone who in recent weeks has behaved in a way that i find really difficult to deal with...someone who i didn't really think would be a good fit and based on other feedback, seems i'm not the only one having difficulty....
but today, i found out that he has essentially told a colleague that he wants more autonomy and basically doesn't see why he has to get me involved in some decisions - which i read (and i may be wrong) as him not valuing what me (or my team) can do....
hmmm, challenging really and pushes my buttons on many levels...it's crap, really there's no other way to describe it....
i honestly don't see the appeal of this person, other than through one, very narrow lens....anyway, i'm going to have to learn to live with it...
which is why, the other week, after my 3rd crap meeting with this person, that i chose to be courageous and share with him my experience of how he behaves towards me in meetings...i had hoped that this would mean some change might ensue? nope....
so i was hopeful, going into the meeting, that perhaps some of what we talked about might have sunk in, but no, today seemed just as bad a meeting as all the others....constant interrupting, speaking to me in a patronising way, assuming i know nothing of what he's talking about, being rude about his own staff in front of that person....yep, frankly, it was a disaster!
i really don't want to work with this person if he continues to behave in this way - he treats me like a subordinate and not a peer, and his statement that he's collaborative - well i haven't seen that once in the 3 or 4 weeks we've worked together...maybe it's me? maybe he just doesn't like me - possible, after all, i don't really like what i've seen of him yet, and due to him constantly talking over me, it's true, i've been defensive in one or two meetings...but still, there is no need for him to behave in this way, especially as he's new - wouldn't you think he'd be trying his best to play nicely? at least for a little while...
and then, well then, there's the momentary feeling sad about things with Nick...so in my moment of post meeting stress, i downloaded to him and i feel bad about that - not that i did it, but bad that i trusted him with it and maybe i shouldn't have...and not like he's not trustworthy, not like he's done anything to suggest to me that i can't trust him, but since i've been back he's been weired...we had a coupla good chats early on, but then (see post of last week where i mentioned my outburst at him on thursday) he seems to have been largely ignoring me....we have had very little to do with each other in the last 5 days or so (and actually i've felt better - so maybe there's a message in that!)....and then in a moment of extreme stress i let him in....oh well, i guess i'm human. sometimes being in my role is lonely and i don't deal with it that well...i'm getting better, and i had a chat to my boss, but ultimately i know she'll back this person over me as he's more valuable to her than i am (i don't actually think that's true, but it would be her view)
and then i allowed myself (well, no, that's not true is it?), i texted him to say thanks for listening and to let him know i was feeling exposed - he assumed i meant something else so i had to basically clarify that i wasn't sure it was 'ok' for me (now) to share this stuff with him - sure, i probably shouldn't (given our relative positions and given he works for this person) but i've never had reason not to trust him, but something in his behaviour when i was downloading today gave me cause to think about it - basically he said nothing, was v quiet - when typically he would be very vocal...maybe i'm paranoid, maybe i really shouldn't trust him...i dunno...
anyway, for a moment i thought: i miss this man, but really, do i? i miss having someone to whinge to when i have a crap day (and today was royally crap), but is that just having someone to listen? truth is he never really was a good listener and i suspect i did a lot more listening than he did....but still, as i drove up my street, i thought for a milli second how much i would like him to come back....
anyway, just when i figure he's going to drop out of the conversation he calls....bizarre really - never could read him, still can't....
i'm tired, i've had a crap day (mainly, bar the odd conversation with supportive colleagues, lunch with a dear friend etc) and i have to be on my a game tomorrow as i'm delivering with one of my bff's...
and it's her birthday! so, nite!
so it started with me waking up at 5am and not being able to get back to sleep - never a good start...but lately, seems to be the order of the day...this whole lack of sleep thing is really starting to get to me - not such a big deal when you are on holiday as you don't have to function, and can take naps pretty much whenever you feel like it...on the other hand, when you are doing a big job and have a lot on, it's just not possible to be 'off your game'....
aarrgghh!
so then, it was going ok until i had a meeting with someone new to our team, and someone who in recent weeks has behaved in a way that i find really difficult to deal with...someone who i didn't really think would be a good fit and based on other feedback, seems i'm not the only one having difficulty....
but today, i found out that he has essentially told a colleague that he wants more autonomy and basically doesn't see why he has to get me involved in some decisions - which i read (and i may be wrong) as him not valuing what me (or my team) can do....
hmmm, challenging really and pushes my buttons on many levels...it's crap, really there's no other way to describe it....
i honestly don't see the appeal of this person, other than through one, very narrow lens....anyway, i'm going to have to learn to live with it...
which is why, the other week, after my 3rd crap meeting with this person, that i chose to be courageous and share with him my experience of how he behaves towards me in meetings...i had hoped that this would mean some change might ensue? nope....
so i was hopeful, going into the meeting, that perhaps some of what we talked about might have sunk in, but no, today seemed just as bad a meeting as all the others....constant interrupting, speaking to me in a patronising way, assuming i know nothing of what he's talking about, being rude about his own staff in front of that person....yep, frankly, it was a disaster!
i really don't want to work with this person if he continues to behave in this way - he treats me like a subordinate and not a peer, and his statement that he's collaborative - well i haven't seen that once in the 3 or 4 weeks we've worked together...maybe it's me? maybe he just doesn't like me - possible, after all, i don't really like what i've seen of him yet, and due to him constantly talking over me, it's true, i've been defensive in one or two meetings...but still, there is no need for him to behave in this way, especially as he's new - wouldn't you think he'd be trying his best to play nicely? at least for a little while...
and then, well then, there's the momentary feeling sad about things with Nick...so in my moment of post meeting stress, i downloaded to him and i feel bad about that - not that i did it, but bad that i trusted him with it and maybe i shouldn't have...and not like he's not trustworthy, not like he's done anything to suggest to me that i can't trust him, but since i've been back he's been weired...we had a coupla good chats early on, but then (see post of last week where i mentioned my outburst at him on thursday) he seems to have been largely ignoring me....we have had very little to do with each other in the last 5 days or so (and actually i've felt better - so maybe there's a message in that!)....and then in a moment of extreme stress i let him in....oh well, i guess i'm human. sometimes being in my role is lonely and i don't deal with it that well...i'm getting better, and i had a chat to my boss, but ultimately i know she'll back this person over me as he's more valuable to her than i am (i don't actually think that's true, but it would be her view)
and then i allowed myself (well, no, that's not true is it?), i texted him to say thanks for listening and to let him know i was feeling exposed - he assumed i meant something else so i had to basically clarify that i wasn't sure it was 'ok' for me (now) to share this stuff with him - sure, i probably shouldn't (given our relative positions and given he works for this person) but i've never had reason not to trust him, but something in his behaviour when i was downloading today gave me cause to think about it - basically he said nothing, was v quiet - when typically he would be very vocal...maybe i'm paranoid, maybe i really shouldn't trust him...i dunno...
anyway, for a moment i thought: i miss this man, but really, do i? i miss having someone to whinge to when i have a crap day (and today was royally crap), but is that just having someone to listen? truth is he never really was a good listener and i suspect i did a lot more listening than he did....but still, as i drove up my street, i thought for a milli second how much i would like him to come back....
anyway, just when i figure he's going to drop out of the conversation he calls....bizarre really - never could read him, still can't....
i'm tired, i've had a crap day (mainly, bar the odd conversation with supportive colleagues, lunch with a dear friend etc) and i have to be on my a game tomorrow as i'm delivering with one of my bff's...
and it's her birthday! so, nite!
Monday, November 12, 2012
for the 2nd consecutive monday
i've experienced fcitis....
so it turns out, that when i think about him and what happened, i'm actually, still very very angry...
in fact, not sure i've really gone through the anger phase - probably was stuck in shock for a while, and sadness, and just simply some form of deluded hope that he would turn into a human being...
but no, now it seems that in fact, his true colours are showing, and i'm angry....
really really really angry! sure, got some of it out thursday night when i had cause to ring him after work....let loose too! although that was good in that i felt better almost immediately after, but bad in that i cried (probably frustration more than anything) for the first time in months...
there's really no getting thru to someone as stubborn as him and at some point i'm going to need to no longer assume his lack of care of eq has anything at all to do with me....
sooo, i'm tired, i'm not sad really but angry and a bit numb....and i wish like mad he would leave...
that place is just not big enough for the both of us and i'm sick of the sight of him....hence my term fcitis....
seems that life is pretty good when i don't have to see him but having to see him every bloody day at work, well, frankly, i'm over it....
so universe if you are listening: please either give me the strength of see him as just some other person at work, someone who does not deserve my care or interest, or (and this is probably my preferred option), get him a job so he leaves....
thank you x
so it turns out, that when i think about him and what happened, i'm actually, still very very angry...
in fact, not sure i've really gone through the anger phase - probably was stuck in shock for a while, and sadness, and just simply some form of deluded hope that he would turn into a human being...
but no, now it seems that in fact, his true colours are showing, and i'm angry....
really really really angry! sure, got some of it out thursday night when i had cause to ring him after work....let loose too! although that was good in that i felt better almost immediately after, but bad in that i cried (probably frustration more than anything) for the first time in months...
there's really no getting thru to someone as stubborn as him and at some point i'm going to need to no longer assume his lack of care of eq has anything at all to do with me....
sooo, i'm tired, i'm not sad really but angry and a bit numb....and i wish like mad he would leave...
that place is just not big enough for the both of us and i'm sick of the sight of him....hence my term fcitis....
seems that life is pretty good when i don't have to see him but having to see him every bloody day at work, well, frankly, i'm over it....
so universe if you are listening: please either give me the strength of see him as just some other person at work, someone who does not deserve my care or interest, or (and this is probably my preferred option), get him a job so he leaves....
thank you x
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
think i left my mojo in central park
yeah, not really, obviously, but it occurred to me today that i may well have left my mojo in central park...
he he! so it's now day 6 of being back at work at the immediately post holiday bliss of 'how was it', 'you look great', 'it's so nice to have you back' etc, well, that's largely worn off and has been replaced with the reality...
and honestly, the reality isn't that bad! i mean it involves a team i love, a job i love, a boss i like most of the time, a workplace that is filled with challenges and one where i know i am making a difference, and Nick...
yep, and other than the last part it's all very very positive and honestly, if he weren't there i doubt i'd even be still thinking about what happened....
but he is, and sadly, my reality, i guess like a lot of others who fall into a relationship with someone at work, is that once it's over, you have to see that person, even though you'd rather not, and in some cases (unsure if this is me) you'd rather never have to see them again, much less have meetings with them...
yep, so for now, at least, that's my reality - and i say for now, as i am super hopeful that he will get of his arse and find a job..not like he likes the airport, not like he's been happy there for ages, but a new boss (who he does not like) and the possibility of a broader role is much more likely to entice him to stay which is not really what i want...
nope! what i want is for him to leave and soon - how disappointing to come back from leave to find that his colleague has resigned when i would so much rather it have been him...
oh well, i guess, there is in this, a lesson and as Leah said to me yesterday, in time, i'll be glad i worked through this as he is someone i trust (although i'm wondering if i should trust him less now - yes, think i should, and this is about me installing boundaries not about anything he's done to make me believe he's no longer trustworthy - but truth is, he may never have been, he may well have been lying to me the whole time - yes i know, i'm paranoid) and in a work sense, we do work well together and he's someone i can rely on to do things for me - additionally, our functions have not always enjoyed a good working relationship which him and i have worked hard to create, so would (in a way) be a shame if he were to leave, only to be replaced by someone who didn't share a desire to work so well with my team...
on the other hand, in him leaving, all i can see is upside! for one i would not have to be reminded EVERY fucking day of the working week that i liked this man a lot, that he liked me a lot, but in reality, all i was to him was his rebound girl....yep, and i've probably been someone elses rebound girl but this hurt...and a lot....
so universe as i continue to come to terms with where things are at and start to really enjoy my single life again (yes, i'm making a good stab of that thank you), please can you find it within your powers to present him with a job he wants so he can leave...
of course if that isn't possible, then perhaps you could find it in your powers to have me meet the man of my dreams so that i will eventually not even care that he's still there....
actually, i'd like to put myself first for a change, so if you could focus all your energy on helping me to continue to move on and to be open and ready for my mr right to enter my life, well that would be great...i'll work hard too!
sooo, i don't think i really left my mojo in central park - i think really what happened is that i had 3 amazing weeks away from work and Nick and it gave me a chance to remember who Sarah was, what she stands for and who she wants to be...and sure, she hasn't stayed in NYC, it's just a little harder to find her every day....
but, as they say in the classics, tomorrow is another day and really, each day presents me with an opportunity to be that Sarah and to hold my beautiful head up high and move forward...
and to set some boundaries - oh yes, that's underway too!
nite x
he he! so it's now day 6 of being back at work at the immediately post holiday bliss of 'how was it', 'you look great', 'it's so nice to have you back' etc, well, that's largely worn off and has been replaced with the reality...
and honestly, the reality isn't that bad! i mean it involves a team i love, a job i love, a boss i like most of the time, a workplace that is filled with challenges and one where i know i am making a difference, and Nick...
yep, and other than the last part it's all very very positive and honestly, if he weren't there i doubt i'd even be still thinking about what happened....
but he is, and sadly, my reality, i guess like a lot of others who fall into a relationship with someone at work, is that once it's over, you have to see that person, even though you'd rather not, and in some cases (unsure if this is me) you'd rather never have to see them again, much less have meetings with them...
yep, so for now, at least, that's my reality - and i say for now, as i am super hopeful that he will get of his arse and find a job..not like he likes the airport, not like he's been happy there for ages, but a new boss (who he does not like) and the possibility of a broader role is much more likely to entice him to stay which is not really what i want...
nope! what i want is for him to leave and soon - how disappointing to come back from leave to find that his colleague has resigned when i would so much rather it have been him...
oh well, i guess, there is in this, a lesson and as Leah said to me yesterday, in time, i'll be glad i worked through this as he is someone i trust (although i'm wondering if i should trust him less now - yes, think i should, and this is about me installing boundaries not about anything he's done to make me believe he's no longer trustworthy - but truth is, he may never have been, he may well have been lying to me the whole time - yes i know, i'm paranoid) and in a work sense, we do work well together and he's someone i can rely on to do things for me - additionally, our functions have not always enjoyed a good working relationship which him and i have worked hard to create, so would (in a way) be a shame if he were to leave, only to be replaced by someone who didn't share a desire to work so well with my team...
on the other hand, in him leaving, all i can see is upside! for one i would not have to be reminded EVERY fucking day of the working week that i liked this man a lot, that he liked me a lot, but in reality, all i was to him was his rebound girl....yep, and i've probably been someone elses rebound girl but this hurt...and a lot....
so universe as i continue to come to terms with where things are at and start to really enjoy my single life again (yes, i'm making a good stab of that thank you), please can you find it within your powers to present him with a job he wants so he can leave...
of course if that isn't possible, then perhaps you could find it in your powers to have me meet the man of my dreams so that i will eventually not even care that he's still there....
actually, i'd like to put myself first for a change, so if you could focus all your energy on helping me to continue to move on and to be open and ready for my mr right to enter my life, well that would be great...i'll work hard too!
sooo, i don't think i really left my mojo in central park - i think really what happened is that i had 3 amazing weeks away from work and Nick and it gave me a chance to remember who Sarah was, what she stands for and who she wants to be...and sure, she hasn't stayed in NYC, it's just a little harder to find her every day....
but, as they say in the classics, tomorrow is another day and really, each day presents me with an opportunity to be that Sarah and to hold my beautiful head up high and move forward...
and to set some boundaries - oh yes, that's underway too!
nite x
Sunday, November 4, 2012
i really wish that i could
forget! yep, and i know that for hundreds of thousands of people suffering from Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia, this would not be a welcome statement, but honestly, right now, i wish i could....forget about Nick, and what happened and how much it hurt me....
and i'm doing ok, mostly, really i am....most times i find myself falling back into those old thinking patterns i'm able to notice it, question it and then move on to thinking about something else - and this is good as only a month or so ago, i simply couldn't do that....but really, i just wish i could forget it all, erase it all...
and as i was thinking that on my walk i was thinking 'yes but then you'd forget the good stuff' and honestly, there just wasn't that much good stuff to forget....mostly, i spent my time wondering if he really liked me, if he'd freeze me out, if he'd ever get his shit together, if he'd call, text etc...so really, there wasn't a whole lot of good stuff to remember, and when there was, it would closely be followed up with him shutting me out, so in a way, any good memories were almost immediately destroyed....maybe he meant to do that?
but today, following my walk, i feel a bit heavy hearted....it's true, i do....
so am sitting with that.....but in the meantime, i really do wish i could forget!
and i'm doing ok, mostly, really i am....most times i find myself falling back into those old thinking patterns i'm able to notice it, question it and then move on to thinking about something else - and this is good as only a month or so ago, i simply couldn't do that....but really, i just wish i could forget it all, erase it all...
and as i was thinking that on my walk i was thinking 'yes but then you'd forget the good stuff' and honestly, there just wasn't that much good stuff to forget....mostly, i spent my time wondering if he really liked me, if he'd freeze me out, if he'd ever get his shit together, if he'd call, text etc...so really, there wasn't a whole lot of good stuff to remember, and when there was, it would closely be followed up with him shutting me out, so in a way, any good memories were almost immediately destroyed....maybe he meant to do that?
but today, following my walk, i feel a bit heavy hearted....it's true, i do....
so am sitting with that.....but in the meantime, i really do wish i could forget!
Friday, November 2, 2012
you're the glue...
yes, that's what one of my team told me today...yes, apparently i'm the glue! what a lovely thing to say...
so, it's mostly been a good return to work after my holiday...a return i was, to be honest, dreading...after seeing Nick last Friday i really started to think that i hadn't moved on, that things hadn't improved and that having to see him at work would really set me back...
and sure, tonight, in a moment of utter exhaustion, maybe he's been much more top of mind than he had been, so maybe i feel a wee bit reflective, but i'll be ok...
so turns out one of his colleagues has resigned (my first thought was 'pity it wasn't him') so i emailed him to ask him if he had any thoughts about the go forward and was there anything he wanted me to tell his new boss...he called, we spoke for 30 minutes which was probably a good thing to clear the air before i had to see him tuesday...
so tuesday was kinda nice - lots of smiles, welcome back Sarah, we missed you, how was your holiday, great to have you back, hugs and kissing...really, i felt, for the first time in ages, that i really did fit in at work....exhausting but nice!
wednesday more of the same, thursday facilitating one of the workshops with Leah, and today a busy day with one very stressful meeting (more on that later - new colleague, bit of an arrogant twat, and after 3 meetings where he has interrupted me, talked over me and basically not listened to a word i said, i gave him some feedback - wow!)....and honestly, by 5.50pm i was ready to leave, ready for 2 days out of there...
but as was the way before the trip, i would leave friday feeling a bit sad...and sure today i didn't feel really sad, tired mainly, and actually glad that i got through the first week back without major incident, glad that my meeting with my boss (first one in a month) went very well this afternoon and glad that i don't seem to be hung up on him anymore...
but, and i need to be honest, whilst i may not be hung up on him, i still care and i feel compelled to 'help' him...and it's really annoying me...
this is someone who essentially broke my heart and yet i still feel the need to help him....and this is not new for me - i did this with Ben, and i am a bit torn (which is good) as a part of me really wants nothing to do with this man, but another part of me still cares what happens to him and where i can, i want to look out for him...even though i am certain that he wouldn't look out for me and really is still someone who's entire world revolves around him....
so i think this weekend i'm going to do my very best to a) not consume my time thinking about him b) try and identify what it is that makes me want to help him and c) work out how i'd like to be around him - see my natural warm and helpful self is probably not going to ultimately help me, nor protect me - as inevitably as i continue to help him and offer him advice (of the career nature) i will start to 'expect' something in return...even gratitude (but he's not overly good at that)...
i guess it's good that i know myself well enough to know that i will have expectations, however, would be nice to see if perhaps this can be a practice run (much like i saw the relationship with him way back at the beginning) in either 'holding back' and not 'rushing in to help' or helping without expecting something in return....
now, in this particular situation this ain't gonna be easy - and why? coz this is a man i liked a lot, a man i had really hoped to have a long term relationship with and one, that for a short time, i really thought i might end up with - yes, his words of long ago (go with this - either we'll end up married or i'll be the best friend you ever had) occasionally ring in my ears making me wistful and hopeful...but really, things with him would probably never have worked, and i say probably, because i'm not 100% sure yet that i believe that...
each day i get stronger, and it's true i haven't felt sad or bereft like i did only a month ago, but i would be lying, to myself mainly, if i said i no longer think about him, or have the occasional 'wish' that he might come back....
anyway, i'm tired, i've had a big week and i'm looking forward to a few quiet days to regroup....and then on monday i can do it all again!
so, it's mostly been a good return to work after my holiday...a return i was, to be honest, dreading...after seeing Nick last Friday i really started to think that i hadn't moved on, that things hadn't improved and that having to see him at work would really set me back...
and sure, tonight, in a moment of utter exhaustion, maybe he's been much more top of mind than he had been, so maybe i feel a wee bit reflective, but i'll be ok...
so turns out one of his colleagues has resigned (my first thought was 'pity it wasn't him') so i emailed him to ask him if he had any thoughts about the go forward and was there anything he wanted me to tell his new boss...he called, we spoke for 30 minutes which was probably a good thing to clear the air before i had to see him tuesday...
so tuesday was kinda nice - lots of smiles, welcome back Sarah, we missed you, how was your holiday, great to have you back, hugs and kissing...really, i felt, for the first time in ages, that i really did fit in at work....exhausting but nice!
wednesday more of the same, thursday facilitating one of the workshops with Leah, and today a busy day with one very stressful meeting (more on that later - new colleague, bit of an arrogant twat, and after 3 meetings where he has interrupted me, talked over me and basically not listened to a word i said, i gave him some feedback - wow!)....and honestly, by 5.50pm i was ready to leave, ready for 2 days out of there...
but as was the way before the trip, i would leave friday feeling a bit sad...and sure today i didn't feel really sad, tired mainly, and actually glad that i got through the first week back without major incident, glad that my meeting with my boss (first one in a month) went very well this afternoon and glad that i don't seem to be hung up on him anymore...
but, and i need to be honest, whilst i may not be hung up on him, i still care and i feel compelled to 'help' him...and it's really annoying me...
this is someone who essentially broke my heart and yet i still feel the need to help him....and this is not new for me - i did this with Ben, and i am a bit torn (which is good) as a part of me really wants nothing to do with this man, but another part of me still cares what happens to him and where i can, i want to look out for him...even though i am certain that he wouldn't look out for me and really is still someone who's entire world revolves around him....
so i think this weekend i'm going to do my very best to a) not consume my time thinking about him b) try and identify what it is that makes me want to help him and c) work out how i'd like to be around him - see my natural warm and helpful self is probably not going to ultimately help me, nor protect me - as inevitably as i continue to help him and offer him advice (of the career nature) i will start to 'expect' something in return...even gratitude (but he's not overly good at that)...
i guess it's good that i know myself well enough to know that i will have expectations, however, would be nice to see if perhaps this can be a practice run (much like i saw the relationship with him way back at the beginning) in either 'holding back' and not 'rushing in to help' or helping without expecting something in return....
now, in this particular situation this ain't gonna be easy - and why? coz this is a man i liked a lot, a man i had really hoped to have a long term relationship with and one, that for a short time, i really thought i might end up with - yes, his words of long ago (go with this - either we'll end up married or i'll be the best friend you ever had) occasionally ring in my ears making me wistful and hopeful...but really, things with him would probably never have worked, and i say probably, because i'm not 100% sure yet that i believe that...
each day i get stronger, and it's true i haven't felt sad or bereft like i did only a month ago, but i would be lying, to myself mainly, if i said i no longer think about him, or have the occasional 'wish' that he might come back....
anyway, i'm tired, i've had a big week and i'm looking forward to a few quiet days to regroup....and then on monday i can do it all again!
Monday, October 29, 2012
stop...
is what i want to say to the thoughts running through my head
stop
go away
begone
fuck off even
i spent 3 weeks away from it all and now, seems it's all come flooding back - sure it's not as bad, it's not as intense, i'm not as upset, but still it is taking up WAY too much of my time...
so i called the clinical psych who does CBT as i think some additional support (and something different) won't hurt...
of course i'm tired, probably still a bit jet lagged so i shouldn't be too hard on myself...but this morning i feel a bit numb to be honest, and i am really not looking forward to having to see him at work - in fact i wish i never had to see him again...
anyway, naturopath appointment (incl kinesiology) this morning, then a quick cuppa with Leah, tennis this arvo and then a few errands before work tomorrow...
hmmm...yep, feeling pretty numb today! hope it passes soon...
stop
go away
begone
fuck off even
i spent 3 weeks away from it all and now, seems it's all come flooding back - sure it's not as bad, it's not as intense, i'm not as upset, but still it is taking up WAY too much of my time...
so i called the clinical psych who does CBT as i think some additional support (and something different) won't hurt...
of course i'm tired, probably still a bit jet lagged so i shouldn't be too hard on myself...but this morning i feel a bit numb to be honest, and i am really not looking forward to having to see him at work - in fact i wish i never had to see him again...
anyway, naturopath appointment (incl kinesiology) this morning, then a quick cuppa with Leah, tennis this arvo and then a few errands before work tomorrow...
hmmm...yep, feeling pretty numb today! hope it passes soon...
Sunday, October 28, 2012
letting yourself down....
is way worse than letting someone else down, i think...
yep, it feels crap, and not like it's the first time i've done this...where Nick is concerned...
fuck it! so as i'm in a cab coming home from the airport on friday morning i see him driving in the other direction (of course, not that much of a surprise - it was 8.25am and he does work at the airport) but still, of all the people i should see, cars i should notice, his? really? WTF?
and of course i made some meaning of it: why must i see him? what does the universe want me to think? we're going in different directions (metaphorically - but in reality, that's also true)...
anyway, the worst of it all is that in a moment of utter exhaustion and weakness, i texted him....haven't initiated text with him for over a month and i did - before i knew it i'd constructed a message, sent it and hit send...
fuck! and really, it has not done me any good at all - for half of friday i half expected a response but of course, why would he respond - he's doing his usual shit and why it surprises me i have no idea, i should be well used to it by now...
anyway, am exhausted, although have had a nice few days, but really all i wanted to note was how much i'd let myself down in sending the text, and sure, i shouldn't be so hard on myself, but still, i'm annoyed....
gave him some power in doing so, and that just annoys me....had a good session with Sal where we talked about boundaries and authenticity - more good stuff there to follow i'm sure - seems i think that if i'm not 'open' with everyone about every little thing i think i'm not being authentic and therein lies a BIG problem for me and one that i intend to spend some time thinking about between now and my next sesh with Sal...
yep, funny, he once told me that something i'd shared with him was inappropriate (rubbed me the wrong way when he said it and it still does, but i think i kind of can see it from a different perspective following yesterday's session)...yes, seems that when i don't have boundaries, and share, in a subconscious attempt to be authentic, maybe i am inappropriate...interesting observation!
ok, bed now....nite xx
yep, it feels crap, and not like it's the first time i've done this...where Nick is concerned...
fuck it! so as i'm in a cab coming home from the airport on friday morning i see him driving in the other direction (of course, not that much of a surprise - it was 8.25am and he does work at the airport) but still, of all the people i should see, cars i should notice, his? really? WTF?
and of course i made some meaning of it: why must i see him? what does the universe want me to think? we're going in different directions (metaphorically - but in reality, that's also true)...
anyway, the worst of it all is that in a moment of utter exhaustion and weakness, i texted him....haven't initiated text with him for over a month and i did - before i knew it i'd constructed a message, sent it and hit send...
fuck! and really, it has not done me any good at all - for half of friday i half expected a response but of course, why would he respond - he's doing his usual shit and why it surprises me i have no idea, i should be well used to it by now...
anyway, am exhausted, although have had a nice few days, but really all i wanted to note was how much i'd let myself down in sending the text, and sure, i shouldn't be so hard on myself, but still, i'm annoyed....
gave him some power in doing so, and that just annoys me....had a good session with Sal where we talked about boundaries and authenticity - more good stuff there to follow i'm sure - seems i think that if i'm not 'open' with everyone about every little thing i think i'm not being authentic and therein lies a BIG problem for me and one that i intend to spend some time thinking about between now and my next sesh with Sal...
yep, funny, he once told me that something i'd shared with him was inappropriate (rubbed me the wrong way when he said it and it still does, but i think i kind of can see it from a different perspective following yesterday's session)...yes, seems that when i don't have boundaries, and share, in a subconscious attempt to be authentic, maybe i am inappropriate...interesting observation!
ok, bed now....nite xx
Thursday, October 25, 2012
the long journey home...
yep, today marks 2 weeks since i last posted (seriously, i can't remember a time when i didn't post for 2 whole weeks) and my last day in the big apple...
as i type this i'm sitting in the United lounge at JFK waiting for the long long flight home...in total it'll be 23 hours from JFK to Sydney....and in a way i'm looking forward to it...it represents 23 hours where I can sleep, watch movies and just ponder...
ponder, yes i have lots to ponder on! the holiday (i'll post about that in a minute), how i'm away from work and you know who, what my plans are for the next few months (i always find it's good to have a plan once you get back from a break, otherwise it can feel like there is nothing to look forward to!), the novel (oops, haven't even opened that whilst here...!), friends, family, my little home, getting the bloody tv sorted out (long story), BD, and the fact that November is supposed to be a big month for me in the romantic stakes...wouldn't that be nice!
so, the holiday! not sure where to start...NYC was the perfect destination for this trip...and sure, when i planned it i had no idea i'd be trying to get over someone in coming here, but it was the perfect antidote for a broken heart (which thankfully, had already started to heal by the time i left...)....a city where i actually do feel at home, one where i feel safe, where i love just exploring the many things it has on offer, one where i have friends, where there is theatre, where there are shops, and where funnily enough i feel perfectly ok to be myself!since my very first visit here back in the mid 90's, i felt that way...i remember coming over the George Washington bridge and feeling (even then) like i'd 'arrived', really no other way to describe it - and i still feel the same way - it always feels, in one way or another, like a homecoming of sorts...i wonder why that is?
so, what have i done? well i took a walk/run in Central Park (had never done that before), was good - only downside was the rain (i got back looking like a drowned rat!)....i went to Woodbury Commons (and sure I've done that before too but it's been 15 years since I did...was ok, would have been nice to go with a friend and i was still very jet lagged, but nonetheless, i got some good bargains, and picked up the Coach wristlet for Laurel for a song!), i've been to the theatre not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times and saw 4 great shows (An Enemy of the People, Grace with Paul Rudd, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (yes, I know I've seen it before but it's my favourite) and Heiress, which was good - was hoping for a happy ending but it wasn't to be! i saw the America Ballet Theatre with Anita (she got me onto the ballet last time i was here and i truly do enjoy it)....I went upstate and spent 4 lovely days and nights with P.A. and Elliot...went to Skaneatles, a college football game (Cornell won!), spent some time with Sarah, Jed and the boys, had hibachi (teppanyaki) dinner with a bunch of their friends (a very funny night) and spent some time sitting around chatting and drinking tea...truly a great time, as it always is...there's something about good friends, they become even more precious as one gets older and you start to realise just how precious life is...i cried when i said goodbye to P.A. and as I hugged her I hoped it wouldn't be the last time i would get to do that....
so then back to the city for my 2nd stint and i decided to change it up and moved a bit further downtown to Times Square, which was actually kinda cool - vibrant, busy, plenty going on and much nearer to the shows! did even more shopping (I know right?), spent the weekend with cousin Alison who managed a perfectly timed work trip to the big apple so we could shop together....her visit also included a highlight of my trip: dinner at Balthazar...omg the food was amazing - i can honestly say i've never had a better risotto than i had there (which is a big call as I make a very good risotto myself!)...this one, was pancetta, marscapone and pea...absolutely delicious! if you haven't been and you like french food, then Balthazar is a must when in NYC...I'll be going back!
Alison Rodgers can certainly shop and she introduced me to Crate & Barrel...sure, I've been there before, but there's nothing like seeing something through someone else's eyes to make you see it in a different light! we spent 2 days walking, shopping, eating and catching up - was lovely...so glad we could make it work!
then Monday night dinner with Anita and Sam (my treat to thank them for looking after me) and we went to the Palm - formerly Parma (italian)...OMG, another beautiful meal - we had a great waitress (that really does have a big impact on the dining experience) and the food was delectable - i had carpaccio to start (always a favourite and it was absolutely divine there) and then veal martini (which was veal cooked in white wine, mushrooms, shallots, tomatoes and sun dried tomatoes - delicious...)...not one to give up dessert, I had a 7 layer chocolate cake with fresh raspberries - it beat me, but it was delish!
dinner with Johnno last night before my last show - he's good! moved here, got a job, having fun and it was so nice to see him looking happy and relaxed and finally comfortable with himself...
some days i just savoured the city and walked for what seemed like hours on end with no particular aim in mind...new york really is a city for walking and there were only a handful of occasions where i caught the subway or a cab....Alison and I got sucked in to getting one of those bike pulled cabs in the city - to go about 8 blocks it cost us, wait for it, $56...can you believe that? isn't that a tourist trap waiting to happen...oh well, have done it now and it was kind of fun...especially since between us we had about 15 bags of shopping at the time!
and as i sit here typing this, looking out over one of the runways at JFK, i cannot believe that i'm heading home today...i had toyed with the idea (before i left) of making contact with companies re the possibility of transferring here...but my work at work (so to speak) isn't done yet, and i have a six month notice period (groan) so really, it's not an ideal time for me to be thinking about leaving...
and, as much as it would be nice to be in a work environment where there was no Nick, it would also mean turning my back on so many other positives...and there are many: a job i love, a team i adore and who i really enjoy working with, many challenges to be sorted out, financial security the likes of which i have never had before, a place of work that i love and going there everyday is still exciting (in fact when i arrive home i'll be at that place of work!), loads of people who i really enjoy the company of (it's true, i've made some good friends there), BD (more on him later).....yes, i really am blessed, and it seems that Nick has certainly taken the shine off those things at times, but they remain and my job now is to remind myself of all the many many positives about this job....
so i'm going back.....i'm not sure i thought i'd be 'different' or changed, or even altered by the time this holiday came to it's end, as really, it's only been 3 weeks, but i do feel better...i have had only 1 bad day (emotionally) in the whole time i've been here which is good, and also, interesting, as before i left i had convinced myself that the 'bad days' were related to my hormones and nothing else? perhaps the routine of taking the herbs and the remifeminin every day (religiously) has actually stabilised them? or perhaps not having to see or talk to Nick for 3 weeks has been a welcome relief? not sure, but i hope that my good mood continues once home....
so Nick! well, it's been interesting...i haven't heard from him which has been good mostly...sure there's a small part of me that hoped he would miss me so much he felt compelled to make contact, but i knew that was never going to happen....sure as i blow dried my hair this morning i had a thought (or was it a daydream?) that he would call me once home, invite me to dinner and confess his undying love...and no sooner had i had this thought than i just shook my head...self, i said, this man hurt you and strung you along, and never really gave you his heart or committed himself to being with you - why oh why would you consider taking him back? and i'm not sure i would...sure, in the fantasy it might be that it's the idea of him rather than him (yes him - the often awkward, rarely emotionally available, rarely emotionally expressive, closed, smoking, nicer when drunk him)...
yep, really gotta close the book on him and start a new chapter...i like the sound of that! he could be a chapter in a book - perhaps a few, but frankly, not the sorts of ones that end well!
so, sure i'm not changed, or altered or different in any material way but it has been great to have a break from my life - and i actually do have an amazingly good life, but still, we all have our crosses to bear and seems for most of 2012, he was mine...but 2013 is fast approaching and between now and then there is plenty to look forward to:
ciao!
as i type this i'm sitting in the United lounge at JFK waiting for the long long flight home...in total it'll be 23 hours from JFK to Sydney....and in a way i'm looking forward to it...it represents 23 hours where I can sleep, watch movies and just ponder...
ponder, yes i have lots to ponder on! the holiday (i'll post about that in a minute), how i'm away from work and you know who, what my plans are for the next few months (i always find it's good to have a plan once you get back from a break, otherwise it can feel like there is nothing to look forward to!), the novel (oops, haven't even opened that whilst here...!), friends, family, my little home, getting the bloody tv sorted out (long story), BD, and the fact that November is supposed to be a big month for me in the romantic stakes...wouldn't that be nice!
so, the holiday! not sure where to start...NYC was the perfect destination for this trip...and sure, when i planned it i had no idea i'd be trying to get over someone in coming here, but it was the perfect antidote for a broken heart (which thankfully, had already started to heal by the time i left...)....a city where i actually do feel at home, one where i feel safe, where i love just exploring the many things it has on offer, one where i have friends, where there is theatre, where there are shops, and where funnily enough i feel perfectly ok to be myself!since my very first visit here back in the mid 90's, i felt that way...i remember coming over the George Washington bridge and feeling (even then) like i'd 'arrived', really no other way to describe it - and i still feel the same way - it always feels, in one way or another, like a homecoming of sorts...i wonder why that is?
so, what have i done? well i took a walk/run in Central Park (had never done that before), was good - only downside was the rain (i got back looking like a drowned rat!)....i went to Woodbury Commons (and sure I've done that before too but it's been 15 years since I did...was ok, would have been nice to go with a friend and i was still very jet lagged, but nonetheless, i got some good bargains, and picked up the Coach wristlet for Laurel for a song!), i've been to the theatre not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times and saw 4 great shows (An Enemy of the People, Grace with Paul Rudd, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (yes, I know I've seen it before but it's my favourite) and Heiress, which was good - was hoping for a happy ending but it wasn't to be! i saw the America Ballet Theatre with Anita (she got me onto the ballet last time i was here and i truly do enjoy it)....I went upstate and spent 4 lovely days and nights with P.A. and Elliot...went to Skaneatles, a college football game (Cornell won!), spent some time with Sarah, Jed and the boys, had hibachi (teppanyaki) dinner with a bunch of their friends (a very funny night) and spent some time sitting around chatting and drinking tea...truly a great time, as it always is...there's something about good friends, they become even more precious as one gets older and you start to realise just how precious life is...i cried when i said goodbye to P.A. and as I hugged her I hoped it wouldn't be the last time i would get to do that....
so then back to the city for my 2nd stint and i decided to change it up and moved a bit further downtown to Times Square, which was actually kinda cool - vibrant, busy, plenty going on and much nearer to the shows! did even more shopping (I know right?), spent the weekend with cousin Alison who managed a perfectly timed work trip to the big apple so we could shop together....her visit also included a highlight of my trip: dinner at Balthazar...omg the food was amazing - i can honestly say i've never had a better risotto than i had there (which is a big call as I make a very good risotto myself!)...this one, was pancetta, marscapone and pea...absolutely delicious! if you haven't been and you like french food, then Balthazar is a must when in NYC...I'll be going back!
Alison Rodgers can certainly shop and she introduced me to Crate & Barrel...sure, I've been there before, but there's nothing like seeing something through someone else's eyes to make you see it in a different light! we spent 2 days walking, shopping, eating and catching up - was lovely...so glad we could make it work!
then Monday night dinner with Anita and Sam (my treat to thank them for looking after me) and we went to the Palm - formerly Parma (italian)...OMG, another beautiful meal - we had a great waitress (that really does have a big impact on the dining experience) and the food was delectable - i had carpaccio to start (always a favourite and it was absolutely divine there) and then veal martini (which was veal cooked in white wine, mushrooms, shallots, tomatoes and sun dried tomatoes - delicious...)...not one to give up dessert, I had a 7 layer chocolate cake with fresh raspberries - it beat me, but it was delish!
dinner with Johnno last night before my last show - he's good! moved here, got a job, having fun and it was so nice to see him looking happy and relaxed and finally comfortable with himself...
some days i just savoured the city and walked for what seemed like hours on end with no particular aim in mind...new york really is a city for walking and there were only a handful of occasions where i caught the subway or a cab....Alison and I got sucked in to getting one of those bike pulled cabs in the city - to go about 8 blocks it cost us, wait for it, $56...can you believe that? isn't that a tourist trap waiting to happen...oh well, have done it now and it was kind of fun...especially since between us we had about 15 bags of shopping at the time!
and as i sit here typing this, looking out over one of the runways at JFK, i cannot believe that i'm heading home today...i had toyed with the idea (before i left) of making contact with companies re the possibility of transferring here...but my work at work (so to speak) isn't done yet, and i have a six month notice period (groan) so really, it's not an ideal time for me to be thinking about leaving...
and, as much as it would be nice to be in a work environment where there was no Nick, it would also mean turning my back on so many other positives...and there are many: a job i love, a team i adore and who i really enjoy working with, many challenges to be sorted out, financial security the likes of which i have never had before, a place of work that i love and going there everyday is still exciting (in fact when i arrive home i'll be at that place of work!), loads of people who i really enjoy the company of (it's true, i've made some good friends there), BD (more on him later).....yes, i really am blessed, and it seems that Nick has certainly taken the shine off those things at times, but they remain and my job now is to remind myself of all the many many positives about this job....
so i'm going back.....i'm not sure i thought i'd be 'different' or changed, or even altered by the time this holiday came to it's end, as really, it's only been 3 weeks, but i do feel better...i have had only 1 bad day (emotionally) in the whole time i've been here which is good, and also, interesting, as before i left i had convinced myself that the 'bad days' were related to my hormones and nothing else? perhaps the routine of taking the herbs and the remifeminin every day (religiously) has actually stabilised them? or perhaps not having to see or talk to Nick for 3 weeks has been a welcome relief? not sure, but i hope that my good mood continues once home....
so Nick! well, it's been interesting...i haven't heard from him which has been good mostly...sure there's a small part of me that hoped he would miss me so much he felt compelled to make contact, but i knew that was never going to happen....sure as i blow dried my hair this morning i had a thought (or was it a daydream?) that he would call me once home, invite me to dinner and confess his undying love...and no sooner had i had this thought than i just shook my head...self, i said, this man hurt you and strung you along, and never really gave you his heart or committed himself to being with you - why oh why would you consider taking him back? and i'm not sure i would...sure, in the fantasy it might be that it's the idea of him rather than him (yes him - the often awkward, rarely emotionally available, rarely emotionally expressive, closed, smoking, nicer when drunk him)...
yep, really gotta close the book on him and start a new chapter...i like the sound of that! he could be a chapter in a book - perhaps a few, but frankly, not the sorts of ones that end well!
so, sure i'm not changed, or altered or different in any material way but it has been great to have a break from my life - and i actually do have an amazingly good life, but still, we all have our crosses to bear and seems for most of 2012, he was mine...but 2013 is fast approaching and between now and then there is plenty to look forward to:
- nanowrimo which starts in a little over a week: question is, will i willingly sign up to do it all again?
- visit from sam and dan and a coldplay concert in early november (cool)
- catching up with girlfriends who i have missed whilst i've been away
- christmas and the lead up to it
- dating (yes, IJL got in touch last week and so i thought i'd give it another go)
- my birthday and another trip to Coffs to see Kirst
ciao!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
jetlag begone...
OMG i am sooo over the jetlag - this trip it seems to have hung around for way longer than usual...
good news is, largely, it has not stopped me doing what i want, i'm just exhausted and look a bit haggard (which of course doesn't make me happy, and it plays around with my confidence...
with all the other crap of the last coupla years, i guess it's just one more thing that makes me feel not good enough and old...
anyway, early night for me tonight, after a long day up at Woodbury - got some good bargains...
tomorrow a show with Anita and Sam, Thursday another one, then Friday, I fly to Ithaca for 4 days with PA and Elliot - cannot wait!
so, bonsoir...
good news is, largely, it has not stopped me doing what i want, i'm just exhausted and look a bit haggard (which of course doesn't make me happy, and it plays around with my confidence...
with all the other crap of the last coupla years, i guess it's just one more thing that makes me feel not good enough and old...
anyway, early night for me tonight, after a long day up at Woodbury - got some good bargains...
tomorrow a show with Anita and Sam, Thursday another one, then Friday, I fly to Ithaca for 4 days with PA and Elliot - cannot wait!
so, bonsoir...
Monday, October 8, 2012
inevitable...
i guess, that in a jet lagged induced state and with a grey old day, i might have a momentary sense of feeling sad about Nick
and sure, it's been days since i have had a shocker (thankfully)...
and it wasn't bad, but in eating turkey i realised that he told me a while ago that he'd gone healthy in one of his two daily sandwiches (yes, seriously) and switched to turkey...
and then in something of a catastrophic 'leap' i had visions of him with SF (girl who used to work at ours but left some time ago)...and sure i know him and her are friends, have been for ages, and sure he told me nothing was going on with her, but i wonder if she's the 'one' he was 'casually' sleeping with way back when?
anyway, it doesn't really matter...well that's the view i'd like to be taking...
and honestly, it doesn't! sure, there was a time when i really wanted to have a relationship with him, but really, we have very little in common - sure we have lots of little things in common, but i don't think our 'plans' for life were aligned...and i suspect, although he never said it, he wanted kids and perhaps had a feeling it was too late for me?
on the plus side, i bought the most gorgeous white gold and diamond butterfly bracelet today and i flirted shamelessly with both of the sales guys (altho one of them started it)....was nice to feel attractive, and funny and i also bought a beautiful amethyst ring with other stones - yes yes, i know i already have 2 amethysts (only one of which i wear on a regular basis) but this was $299 down from $1,200 so really, i couldn't exactly leave it in the store?
funny, i saw they had a sale on yesterday when i walked by but it was closed, so went there today and the first thing i saw in the window was the butterfly bracelet which just caught my eye - no sooner than it was on my wrist, it simply didn't come off! guess you could say it was meant to be...
i did a lot of walking today, including a run/walk round Central Park in the rain (not how i envisioned my first ever exercise outing here)....luckily it was a hair wash day so nothing lost...
my plan is to try and exercise 5 days a week whilst i'm here, and sure exercise sounds like something you'd do at home not on holidays, but i love the feeling after exercise and given my mental health before i left, i think it'll help keep me in the happiest holiday frame of mind...not to mention, i really need to lose some weight! i'm a 10 over here when most people seem to be a 4 or a 6 :-( and it's not like i feel fat, but i could def do with losing 5 - 7 kgs....
haven't written a single word yet, but i guess i have plenty of time (maybe!) to get around to that...and there's always NaNoWriMo in November if i don't finish it here...funny, even though i haven't felt much like writing yet, the set up isn't ideal! Fred, one of the concierges here, told me i need to relocate to a Best Western in order to write as one needs to be unhappy and it's hard to be unhappy at the Dream...ha! he also said i should check out the Dream downtown which is new...maybe I'll change it up and stay somewhere different for my 2nd stint in the city?
big decision! probably the biggest decision i'm gonna have to make...
so, forward plans as follows:
- tomorrow: hopefully seeing Phil and/or Anita & Sam
- 9th: the long awaited trip to Woodbury Commons (as if I need to spend more money)
- 10th: Enemy of the People with Anita (during day I'm thinking something cultural!)
- 11th: Grace in the evening (daytime, not sure...)
- 12th - 16th: heading upstate to visit my dear friends P.A. and Elliot
- 17th: matinee performance of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
- 18th: ballet with Anita
- 19th - 21st: cousin Alison in NYC (very excited)
- 22nd: unsure
- 23rd: Heiress in the evening
- 24th: no doubt packing and saying au revoir to my friends
yep, not sure when i'm going to be fitting any writing into that schedule and of course I haven't mentioned going to Macy's, Saks, Gugg, MOMA and a handful of other places...hmmmm, oh and I haven't even made my appointment at the Red Door yet!
maybe 3 weeks isn't actually enough? maybe, maybe i should move here so i have heaps of time to check it all out?
and amongst all that probably won't get to a live Yankees game, which is kinda sad but at least i'll get to see it on tv (if i'm in)...
anyway, having fun so far - haven't given work a 2nd thought really, and will do my darnedest not to...i'm on vacation after all! nite x
and sure, it's been days since i have had a shocker (thankfully)...
and it wasn't bad, but in eating turkey i realised that he told me a while ago that he'd gone healthy in one of his two daily sandwiches (yes, seriously) and switched to turkey...
and then in something of a catastrophic 'leap' i had visions of him with SF (girl who used to work at ours but left some time ago)...and sure i know him and her are friends, have been for ages, and sure he told me nothing was going on with her, but i wonder if she's the 'one' he was 'casually' sleeping with way back when?
anyway, it doesn't really matter...well that's the view i'd like to be taking...
and honestly, it doesn't! sure, there was a time when i really wanted to have a relationship with him, but really, we have very little in common - sure we have lots of little things in common, but i don't think our 'plans' for life were aligned...and i suspect, although he never said it, he wanted kids and perhaps had a feeling it was too late for me?
on the plus side, i bought the most gorgeous white gold and diamond butterfly bracelet today and i flirted shamelessly with both of the sales guys (altho one of them started it)....was nice to feel attractive, and funny and i also bought a beautiful amethyst ring with other stones - yes yes, i know i already have 2 amethysts (only one of which i wear on a regular basis) but this was $299 down from $1,200 so really, i couldn't exactly leave it in the store?
funny, i saw they had a sale on yesterday when i walked by but it was closed, so went there today and the first thing i saw in the window was the butterfly bracelet which just caught my eye - no sooner than it was on my wrist, it simply didn't come off! guess you could say it was meant to be...
i did a lot of walking today, including a run/walk round Central Park in the rain (not how i envisioned my first ever exercise outing here)....luckily it was a hair wash day so nothing lost...
my plan is to try and exercise 5 days a week whilst i'm here, and sure exercise sounds like something you'd do at home not on holidays, but i love the feeling after exercise and given my mental health before i left, i think it'll help keep me in the happiest holiday frame of mind...not to mention, i really need to lose some weight! i'm a 10 over here when most people seem to be a 4 or a 6 :-( and it's not like i feel fat, but i could def do with losing 5 - 7 kgs....
haven't written a single word yet, but i guess i have plenty of time (maybe!) to get around to that...and there's always NaNoWriMo in November if i don't finish it here...funny, even though i haven't felt much like writing yet, the set up isn't ideal! Fred, one of the concierges here, told me i need to relocate to a Best Western in order to write as one needs to be unhappy and it's hard to be unhappy at the Dream...ha! he also said i should check out the Dream downtown which is new...maybe I'll change it up and stay somewhere different for my 2nd stint in the city?
big decision! probably the biggest decision i'm gonna have to make...
so, forward plans as follows:
- tomorrow: hopefully seeing Phil and/or Anita & Sam
- 9th: the long awaited trip to Woodbury Commons (as if I need to spend more money)
- 10th: Enemy of the People with Anita (during day I'm thinking something cultural!)
- 11th: Grace in the evening (daytime, not sure...)
- 12th - 16th: heading upstate to visit my dear friends P.A. and Elliot
- 17th: matinee performance of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
- 18th: ballet with Anita
- 19th - 21st: cousin Alison in NYC (very excited)
- 22nd: unsure
- 23rd: Heiress in the evening
- 24th: no doubt packing and saying au revoir to my friends
yep, not sure when i'm going to be fitting any writing into that schedule and of course I haven't mentioned going to Macy's, Saks, Gugg, MOMA and a handful of other places...hmmmm, oh and I haven't even made my appointment at the Red Door yet!
maybe 3 weeks isn't actually enough? maybe, maybe i should move here so i have heaps of time to check it all out?
and amongst all that probably won't get to a live Yankees game, which is kinda sad but at least i'll get to see it on tv (if i'm in)...
anyway, having fun so far - haven't given work a 2nd thought really, and will do my darnedest not to...i'm on vacation after all! nite x
Sunday, October 7, 2012
shopped out or jet lagged?
jet lagged more like it, seriously! cannot sleep for the life of me, and that might not seem such a big deal but it is 2.40am!
oh well....don't have to get up in the morning and first day i need to be up is Tuesday, and that's a 10am start, so will probably be ok...
it's soo nice to be on holiday! nice not to think about work, not to have to get up, not to have to do anything or be anywhere unless i feel like it...
free to just wander the streets and do what i feel like, loving it!
even found myself thinking that it was a good thing things with Nick and I didn't work out - doubt he would enjoy the sort of holiday i enjoy!
so, all good really....
just need some sleep!
oh well....don't have to get up in the morning and first day i need to be up is Tuesday, and that's a 10am start, so will probably be ok...
it's soo nice to be on holiday! nice not to think about work, not to have to get up, not to have to do anything or be anywhere unless i feel like it...
free to just wander the streets and do what i feel like, loving it!
even found myself thinking that it was a good thing things with Nick and I didn't work out - doubt he would enjoy the sort of holiday i enjoy!
so, all good really....
just need some sleep!
Saturday, October 6, 2012
stateside...
so i'm here! well i'm not in NYC yet, but in the United Lounge in San Fran waiting for my next flight, but i'm here..finally!
and loving free wifi - can honestly say i have NEVER used before but this is fabulous! if only work had got global roaming working i'd be fully operational - oh well!
so it's been an interesting week....work was mad busy in the lead up to the trip, things have settled down post the blog incident of the other week, the friendship with BD seems to have stepped up a bit and he came to see me off yesterday (sweet)....things with Nick seem back on an even keel and honestly i think i might just be over him....
and today marks my 4th day in a row of feeling good post the hormonally induced 'low' (sounds like a weather pattern) of the last few weeks...phew! would have been a complete nightmare to have to endure feeling like that during my holiday...
so, i'm here, i'm excited, i'm a wee bit tired and looking forward to my 3 week break in the best city in the world....
bring it on!
and loving free wifi - can honestly say i have NEVER used before but this is fabulous! if only work had got global roaming working i'd be fully operational - oh well!
so it's been an interesting week....work was mad busy in the lead up to the trip, things have settled down post the blog incident of the other week, the friendship with BD seems to have stepped up a bit and he came to see me off yesterday (sweet)....things with Nick seem back on an even keel and honestly i think i might just be over him....
and today marks my 4th day in a row of feeling good post the hormonally induced 'low' (sounds like a weather pattern) of the last few weeks...phew! would have been a complete nightmare to have to endure feeling like that during my holiday...
so, i'm here, i'm excited, i'm a wee bit tired and looking forward to my 3 week break in the best city in the world....
bring it on!
Monday, October 1, 2012
for the first time since
Nick broke up with me, i feel good, really really good, and happy! seems the blog discovery last weekend may well have been the kick up the arse i needed to really put him behind me....and sure, seeing him last sunday was not good for me, but maybe i did it because subconsciously i knew it would be the last time we caught up in a non work capacity....in fact, i am ready to actually not talk to him at all...and sure i liked him, a lot, but reality is he treated me very badly and hurt me deeply, so i'm not sure why i have spent so much time pandering to his needs, and putting how he might feel if i cut him off ahead of my own needs and feelings? dumb really....
anyhoo, i feel good! i also feel good that i have identified that i think the issues of my unhappiness and so called 'small depressive' episode of the other month, are in fact related to my peri menopause hormonal swings and in reality, very little to do with him...sure, the end of that relationship contributed to my unhappiness but i think the 'unhinged' episodes are hormonally induced even though i mistakenly thought they were about Nick....
truth is, i did like him, i wanted things between us to work out, but in reality, i knew they wouldn't and i knew that from the get go...funny how hope and hormones can be a bad combination, well for me anyway!
anyway, i'm happy....had a great day saturday, a so so day yesterday and a great day today! had a nice afternoon, evening and morning with mum and dad (despite Dogs losing to the Storm, who were the better team on the day)....and then i had lunch with BD....
hmmm BD, lovely lovely bloke.....kissed me on the cheek hello (it's funny, i don't really want to make a comparison to Nick, but he's someone who's actually comfortable with himself, emotionally available, expressive and nice...and most importantly, makes me feel good about myself)...
i so enjoyed our time together - wasn't sure how it would go - we've been friends at work for months but today was our first out of work catch up....it was lovely! easy, comfortable, we laughed, sat in the sun lunching and drinking after a quick drive in Georgie, then he came back to mine to fix up the towel rail...we had tea, chatted about books, tarot, my novel, my nephew, cricket etc....
really really nice way to spend a public holiday monday afternoon...
then a chat with Leah, then drink and dinner with VA - i had a sense when he made contact with me a few weeks ago that he was going thru some relationship difficulties, i was right - him and the gf broke up a couple of weeks ago...had a lovely evening with him - it's been FAR too long since i saw him...
so, really, a lovely lovely day and a perfect day to end a long weekend...i really am very blessed, and whilst i don't want to jinx myself, i actually feel as though i have turned a corner today.....finally able to put the Nick stuff behind me - BD said to me today that it frustrates him to see me blame myself for what he did - you're intelligent, beautiful, funny etc and yet because he didn't want to be in a relationship, you make it about you - it's not....you know what? he's absolutely right....
funny too, in that i've never been one of those girls who gets over one bloke by getting interested in another - nope, never done that, and i don't think i'm doing that now, but it sure was nice to hang out with BD.....
also, he said something that made me do a double take and i'm not going to analyse it to death, but i just remembered it as i was typing....he said he thought the break in nyc would do me the world of good and when i got back i'd be happy and firing and the 'old Sarah', and that he would be wondering why he hadn't snapped me up sooner...
hmmm, no idea what to make of that - probably nothing, but anyway it's nice to hang out with someone who can easily and comfortably express himself...
sooo tonight i'm going to bed smiling and feeling very grateful for all of the lovely people in my life...i'll miss him when i'm gone but since he's installed viber today, we'll be able to chat whilst i'm away....
afternoon ended with a big hug and a kiss - yep, i like this man...right now he's a lovely friend who i enjoy spending time with and it's nice to get to know him....
smiling! smiling, and in 4 sleeps, 3 weeks in my favourite city! it's suddenly looking up and very bright....
yay!
anyhoo, i feel good! i also feel good that i have identified that i think the issues of my unhappiness and so called 'small depressive' episode of the other month, are in fact related to my peri menopause hormonal swings and in reality, very little to do with him...sure, the end of that relationship contributed to my unhappiness but i think the 'unhinged' episodes are hormonally induced even though i mistakenly thought they were about Nick....
truth is, i did like him, i wanted things between us to work out, but in reality, i knew they wouldn't and i knew that from the get go...funny how hope and hormones can be a bad combination, well for me anyway!
anyway, i'm happy....had a great day saturday, a so so day yesterday and a great day today! had a nice afternoon, evening and morning with mum and dad (despite Dogs losing to the Storm, who were the better team on the day)....and then i had lunch with BD....
hmmm BD, lovely lovely bloke.....kissed me on the cheek hello (it's funny, i don't really want to make a comparison to Nick, but he's someone who's actually comfortable with himself, emotionally available, expressive and nice...and most importantly, makes me feel good about myself)...
i so enjoyed our time together - wasn't sure how it would go - we've been friends at work for months but today was our first out of work catch up....it was lovely! easy, comfortable, we laughed, sat in the sun lunching and drinking after a quick drive in Georgie, then he came back to mine to fix up the towel rail...we had tea, chatted about books, tarot, my novel, my nephew, cricket etc....
really really nice way to spend a public holiday monday afternoon...
then a chat with Leah, then drink and dinner with VA - i had a sense when he made contact with me a few weeks ago that he was going thru some relationship difficulties, i was right - him and the gf broke up a couple of weeks ago...had a lovely evening with him - it's been FAR too long since i saw him...
so, really, a lovely lovely day and a perfect day to end a long weekend...i really am very blessed, and whilst i don't want to jinx myself, i actually feel as though i have turned a corner today.....finally able to put the Nick stuff behind me - BD said to me today that it frustrates him to see me blame myself for what he did - you're intelligent, beautiful, funny etc and yet because he didn't want to be in a relationship, you make it about you - it's not....you know what? he's absolutely right....
funny too, in that i've never been one of those girls who gets over one bloke by getting interested in another - nope, never done that, and i don't think i'm doing that now, but it sure was nice to hang out with BD.....
also, he said something that made me do a double take and i'm not going to analyse it to death, but i just remembered it as i was typing....he said he thought the break in nyc would do me the world of good and when i got back i'd be happy and firing and the 'old Sarah', and that he would be wondering why he hadn't snapped me up sooner...
hmmm, no idea what to make of that - probably nothing, but anyway it's nice to hang out with someone who can easily and comfortably express himself...
sooo tonight i'm going to bed smiling and feeling very grateful for all of the lovely people in my life...i'll miss him when i'm gone but since he's installed viber today, we'll be able to chat whilst i'm away....
afternoon ended with a big hug and a kiss - yep, i like this man...right now he's a lovely friend who i enjoy spending time with and it's nice to get to know him....
smiling! smiling, and in 4 sleeps, 3 weeks in my favourite city! it's suddenly looking up and very bright....
yay!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
so it seems me sticking my
head in the sand re my health and my toe in the water with xNick, have both not been good decisions...
yep, it's true! so years ago, when Ben and i were together, I thought i was pregnant - a trip to the local GP revealed that most likely, although she wasn't 100% sure, i was in the early stages of perimenopause...
imagine my shock, and disappointment...i was not yet even 40 then :-( but it wasn't so bad in the end, turns out having a child with ben would not have been a good decision...not the least of which the possible mental health issues in his family, our relationship was not on solid ground and i've always been unsure if i 'really' wanted children...sure, i like the idea, but i don't know if it would be what i really want...of course, hard to say that when i haven't yet met the sort of person i think i'd truly like to have children with...
so, the point of that little story is this: instead of going to see a gynaecologist or talking to anyone about things, i just put my head in the sand and pretended it wasn't happening...but when i look back now, it seems that that single decision (which was probably a combination of shock and denial, and a healthy dose of embarrassment, even though it's completely out of my control, not to mention a massive knock to my confidence, thinking that i will lose all appeal to men etc etc) has not helped me...see i've experienced a large number of the symptoms menopausal women may get....hot flushes, tick, mood swings big tick (and the main reason for this post), night sweats, tick, erratic periods, tick...thankfully the only thing i haven't experienced is the drop in libido (that seems to have remained unchanged...)....but the worst of it all is the mood swings, and the depression - yep, seems the hormonal changes in my body are unleashing the sort of mood swings and mood affect that i have never experienced before and in the last 6 months it's become increasingly difficult to cope with...there, it's out, i've said it: i'm not coping
and i thought it was all related to my relationship and subsequent break up with Nick...and sure, that was a lot of my sadness, but i think that it has been exacerbated and amplified by what's going on in my poor body....
and i'm not one for regrets, typically, but i do regret not having spoken up about this - my embarrassment at the words 'early menopause' have really impacted my health, both physical and ultimately, mental...and that just sucks....herein lies one of the reasons people don't talk about stuff, coz they are afraid of ridicule, of being labelled etc...
i regret that i have largely suffered in silence for years, that i have let it get to a point where i have struggled to cope....so, as soon as i'm back from holiday, i'm going to sort it out (and i'm already seeing a naturopath so she's helping with herbs, but i'm going to see if there are other remedies to help me)....and as i sit here typing this and having a wee cry, it makes me really want to fast forward to a time when it's sorted and the happy Sarah i know and love is back, and a time when my mortgage is gone and i can go and do the work i love...i have so much to offer and i want to be doing that sort of work....
in my ideal world i think i'd be doing a mix of counselling, life coaching, leadership training (still love that) and working with women who've been sexually abused, as well as women who are silently trying to deal with early menopause....so there's my 'vision' for what i want to be doing in a few years...
for now, though, focus is paying off the mortgage (which means another few years in the job, doubt it'll be easy, but like all goals, they sometimes come at a cost or mean the odd challenge along the way - if i can get my head sorted out, i'm pretty sure i'm well up for it)....
and then there's the dipping my toe in the water with Nick - it's very easy to look back and say 'really should have steered clear of him', because there were so many neon lit signs in the early days, but my old patterns and stuff rose to the top and ultimately guided my decision to 'go with it'...and in many ways it's been a good lesson for me, but honestly, it's also, combined with said health issues, been the MOST difficult time in my entire life...
and that's pretty scary in some ways as i have had a lot of very confronting experiences, but this seems to top them all off? perhaps it's simply been a year of enormous learning, where the lessons have come thick and fast, seemingly as soon as one was grasped another would present itself...i do hope that the universe has something good in store for me?
it's so interesting (and difficult at times) to reflect on the last 8 months or so, but reality is, even though it has been without a doubt the most difficult time in my life, i am still here and i am talking about my 'vision' for my future...hmm, just goes to show that perhaps i am more resilient than i give myself credit for....
and sure i'm sad at times, occasionally lonely, and i still find myself thinking about Nick far too much (not aided by a text from him yesterday after Swans win - i felt literally sick when i saw his number - funny to think that i entertained thoughts of a life with this man, and yet when he contacts me it does nothing but upset me...not much of a complicated or hidden message there - nope, a very obvious one!) but that will go...
so for now, i'm trying to accept that a large part of my sadness and general mood is health related, i'm determined to get some help (now that i've taken my head out of the sand and accepted that something is wrong) so that Sarah can live life to the fullest....
in the meantime, i am throwing myself into books, music, writing, spending time with my wonderful friends, looking forward to a visit from the parents today, the GF later (go Bullies), a trip to my favourite place, and if i'm honest, i'm looking forward to believing that i will meet a wonderful man...perhaps right now, i need to focus on getting better, getting over the awful hurtful futile heart breaking experience with Nick.....once that is done, then watch out world!
ok, gotta get on with my day!
yep, it's true! so years ago, when Ben and i were together, I thought i was pregnant - a trip to the local GP revealed that most likely, although she wasn't 100% sure, i was in the early stages of perimenopause...
imagine my shock, and disappointment...i was not yet even 40 then :-( but it wasn't so bad in the end, turns out having a child with ben would not have been a good decision...not the least of which the possible mental health issues in his family, our relationship was not on solid ground and i've always been unsure if i 'really' wanted children...sure, i like the idea, but i don't know if it would be what i really want...of course, hard to say that when i haven't yet met the sort of person i think i'd truly like to have children with...
so, the point of that little story is this: instead of going to see a gynaecologist or talking to anyone about things, i just put my head in the sand and pretended it wasn't happening...but when i look back now, it seems that that single decision (which was probably a combination of shock and denial, and a healthy dose of embarrassment, even though it's completely out of my control, not to mention a massive knock to my confidence, thinking that i will lose all appeal to men etc etc) has not helped me...see i've experienced a large number of the symptoms menopausal women may get....hot flushes, tick, mood swings big tick (and the main reason for this post), night sweats, tick, erratic periods, tick...thankfully the only thing i haven't experienced is the drop in libido (that seems to have remained unchanged...)....but the worst of it all is the mood swings, and the depression - yep, seems the hormonal changes in my body are unleashing the sort of mood swings and mood affect that i have never experienced before and in the last 6 months it's become increasingly difficult to cope with...there, it's out, i've said it: i'm not coping
and i thought it was all related to my relationship and subsequent break up with Nick...and sure, that was a lot of my sadness, but i think that it has been exacerbated and amplified by what's going on in my poor body....
and i'm not one for regrets, typically, but i do regret not having spoken up about this - my embarrassment at the words 'early menopause' have really impacted my health, both physical and ultimately, mental...and that just sucks....herein lies one of the reasons people don't talk about stuff, coz they are afraid of ridicule, of being labelled etc...
i regret that i have largely suffered in silence for years, that i have let it get to a point where i have struggled to cope....so, as soon as i'm back from holiday, i'm going to sort it out (and i'm already seeing a naturopath so she's helping with herbs, but i'm going to see if there are other remedies to help me)....and as i sit here typing this and having a wee cry, it makes me really want to fast forward to a time when it's sorted and the happy Sarah i know and love is back, and a time when my mortgage is gone and i can go and do the work i love...i have so much to offer and i want to be doing that sort of work....
in my ideal world i think i'd be doing a mix of counselling, life coaching, leadership training (still love that) and working with women who've been sexually abused, as well as women who are silently trying to deal with early menopause....so there's my 'vision' for what i want to be doing in a few years...
for now, though, focus is paying off the mortgage (which means another few years in the job, doubt it'll be easy, but like all goals, they sometimes come at a cost or mean the odd challenge along the way - if i can get my head sorted out, i'm pretty sure i'm well up for it)....
and then there's the dipping my toe in the water with Nick - it's very easy to look back and say 'really should have steered clear of him', because there were so many neon lit signs in the early days, but my old patterns and stuff rose to the top and ultimately guided my decision to 'go with it'...and in many ways it's been a good lesson for me, but honestly, it's also, combined with said health issues, been the MOST difficult time in my entire life...
and that's pretty scary in some ways as i have had a lot of very confronting experiences, but this seems to top them all off? perhaps it's simply been a year of enormous learning, where the lessons have come thick and fast, seemingly as soon as one was grasped another would present itself...i do hope that the universe has something good in store for me?
it's so interesting (and difficult at times) to reflect on the last 8 months or so, but reality is, even though it has been without a doubt the most difficult time in my life, i am still here and i am talking about my 'vision' for my future...hmm, just goes to show that perhaps i am more resilient than i give myself credit for....
and sure i'm sad at times, occasionally lonely, and i still find myself thinking about Nick far too much (not aided by a text from him yesterday after Swans win - i felt literally sick when i saw his number - funny to think that i entertained thoughts of a life with this man, and yet when he contacts me it does nothing but upset me...not much of a complicated or hidden message there - nope, a very obvious one!) but that will go...
so for now, i'm trying to accept that a large part of my sadness and general mood is health related, i'm determined to get some help (now that i've taken my head out of the sand and accepted that something is wrong) so that Sarah can live life to the fullest....
in the meantime, i am throwing myself into books, music, writing, spending time with my wonderful friends, looking forward to a visit from the parents today, the GF later (go Bullies), a trip to my favourite place, and if i'm honest, i'm looking forward to believing that i will meet a wonderful man...perhaps right now, i need to focus on getting better, getting over the awful hurtful futile heart breaking experience with Nick.....once that is done, then watch out world!
ok, gotta get on with my day!
Friday, September 28, 2012
hormonal roller coaster?
so i had a realisation today, after a massive meltdown...and sure the meltdown came immediately after i'd had a meeting with him and had some 'sense' that he was shagging someone else - he just seems so happy these days which just makes me angry - angry that when he was broken i was there to support him and now that he feels better, i've been discarded, categorised as the rebound girl and he's moved on...yep, not happy about that....
but really, what can i do?
so anyway, i had a thought tonight, following a lengthy discussion with my therapist last night about physical health and impact on mood, and then a chat with my sister tonight about a similar thing...seems both of them think that the peri menopause symptoms will be impacting me a lot more than i think and in fact, perhaps the odd day/hour of sadness is less about Nick and more about the hormonal imbalance...
hmmm, hadn't given that much thought before now, but you know what? it seems probably like it might be worth me investigating...
so today, i woke up feeling shite, didn't sleep that well (this is a common occurrence in women experiencing peri menopause, and it's not new to me, been going on for ages!), finally dragged myself out of bed and to Leah's - didn't help i had the worst pain in my neck - did some work with her, got to work, still didn't feel great, but day improved as i got on with the work i needed to do...sadly, needed to spend a fair bit of time with him today, so by just before 5pm when i'd spent over an hour with him and i had this sense (see above) i lost it....my lovely staff member noticed i was sad, gave me a hug and i just lost it...haven't done that for a while....
so i grabbed my stuff, went to my car and sobbed most of the way to Sara's, where i went for a chat and tea....
but it's true, if i was truly depressed, then i wouldn't be able to 'snap out of it' only a few hours later? or would i? nope, pretty sure that isn't the way depression works....and if i was still desolate about him, then i suspect that would be more constant, if i was still desolate about him i wouldn't look forward to seeing someone else's name pop up on the phone, nor would i be looking forward to a certain person's visit on monday, so sure, i still like Nick, it's a hangover from a time gone by, a past with him that isn't yet forgotten, but, i don't think my sadness is all about him, and that is actually freeing, freeing in a way i couldn't have thought possible...
so rather than assume that every time i'm sad or have some sort of involuntary mood swing, i don't have to think 'oh i'm sad, i miss Nick', nope, instead i can consider going to talk to a doctor about it...and not so they can give me some antidepressant medication, but so i can try and establish if there is some merit to the hormonal roller coaster theory i am currently working on?
so, sure, i don't feel fabulous, it's been a huge week in more ways than one, but i've had a lovely night at home following a short visit to Sara's....
it's raining and the sound of the rain will hopefully be a welcome lullaby as i head to bed...
i'd normally say nite peeps, but since blog is now private, seems no point, so nite self! hope you sleep well!
but really, what can i do?
so anyway, i had a thought tonight, following a lengthy discussion with my therapist last night about physical health and impact on mood, and then a chat with my sister tonight about a similar thing...seems both of them think that the peri menopause symptoms will be impacting me a lot more than i think and in fact, perhaps the odd day/hour of sadness is less about Nick and more about the hormonal imbalance...
hmmm, hadn't given that much thought before now, but you know what? it seems probably like it might be worth me investigating...
so today, i woke up feeling shite, didn't sleep that well (this is a common occurrence in women experiencing peri menopause, and it's not new to me, been going on for ages!), finally dragged myself out of bed and to Leah's - didn't help i had the worst pain in my neck - did some work with her, got to work, still didn't feel great, but day improved as i got on with the work i needed to do...sadly, needed to spend a fair bit of time with him today, so by just before 5pm when i'd spent over an hour with him and i had this sense (see above) i lost it....my lovely staff member noticed i was sad, gave me a hug and i just lost it...haven't done that for a while....
so i grabbed my stuff, went to my car and sobbed most of the way to Sara's, where i went for a chat and tea....
but it's true, if i was truly depressed, then i wouldn't be able to 'snap out of it' only a few hours later? or would i? nope, pretty sure that isn't the way depression works....and if i was still desolate about him, then i suspect that would be more constant, if i was still desolate about him i wouldn't look forward to seeing someone else's name pop up on the phone, nor would i be looking forward to a certain person's visit on monday, so sure, i still like Nick, it's a hangover from a time gone by, a past with him that isn't yet forgotten, but, i don't think my sadness is all about him, and that is actually freeing, freeing in a way i couldn't have thought possible...
so rather than assume that every time i'm sad or have some sort of involuntary mood swing, i don't have to think 'oh i'm sad, i miss Nick', nope, instead i can consider going to talk to a doctor about it...and not so they can give me some antidepressant medication, but so i can try and establish if there is some merit to the hormonal roller coaster theory i am currently working on?
so, sure, i don't feel fabulous, it's been a huge week in more ways than one, but i've had a lovely night at home following a short visit to Sara's....
it's raining and the sound of the rain will hopefully be a welcome lullaby as i head to bed...
i'd normally say nite peeps, but since blog is now private, seems no point, so nite self! hope you sleep well!
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
oh and then there's
his monday evening text apology...yep, have no idea what to read into that, if anything, but funny that tonight i put on sex and the city and Big was telling Carrie that he was sorry that he'd hurt her, he hadn't realised how much he'd hurt her etc, and i wonder if the universe is trying to tell me something? seems only 2 nights about FC was saying the same thing to me...
yes, but my ending with FC ain't going to be what Carrie's ending with Big was, no matter how much i wish it were so...
sooo gotta move on, yep, gotta face the reality: things with FC are NOT going to work out and i need to find a way to accept that, grieve what might have been and move on....
gonna be lots to talk to Sal about tomorrow!
yes, but my ending with FC ain't going to be what Carrie's ending with Big was, no matter how much i wish it were so...
sooo gotta move on, yep, gotta face the reality: things with FC are NOT going to work out and i need to find a way to accept that, grieve what might have been and move on....
gonna be lots to talk to Sal about tomorrow!
not just stuck, but worse...
resentful...
yes, and i know that resentment eats me up so i'm going to have to find a way to work through it and quickly, but really, mostly what i feel towards his is resentment...
hmmm, pretty strong emotion that one, and negative too - i remember a friend once said that letting someone live rent free in your head is anger, or in this case resentment, and that's what i'm doing...
seems FC has lived rent free in my head for too long now...
yes, essentially his rebound girlfriend - he never said as much but i am
yes, i'm the one who let myself be charmed by him even though he said he wasn't ready
what a bloody idiot i've been...more than six months of my life wasted on a man who wasn't courageous enough to follow his heart...
and sure, it's not all bad, i've learned some stuff, mostly about myself....but it's been difficult, so i'm going to try very hard and evict him!
yes, i like the sound of that!
so perhaps if i can do that, then the resentment will die down...
that would be nice! so would winning the $30m powerball with a work mate tomorrow, yes that would be stupendous!
yes, and i know that resentment eats me up so i'm going to have to find a way to work through it and quickly, but really, mostly what i feel towards his is resentment...
hmmm, pretty strong emotion that one, and negative too - i remember a friend once said that letting someone live rent free in your head is anger, or in this case resentment, and that's what i'm doing...
seems FC has lived rent free in my head for too long now...
yes, essentially his rebound girlfriend - he never said as much but i am
yes, i'm the one who let myself be charmed by him even though he said he wasn't ready
what a bloody idiot i've been...more than six months of my life wasted on a man who wasn't courageous enough to follow his heart...
and sure, it's not all bad, i've learned some stuff, mostly about myself....but it's been difficult, so i'm going to try very hard and evict him!
yes, i like the sound of that!
so perhaps if i can do that, then the resentment will die down...
that would be nice! so would winning the $30m powerball with a work mate tomorrow, yes that would be stupendous!
stuck....
stuck is the only way i can sum up how i feel today...
so seeing him sunday, turns out wasn't really a good idea for me...nope, sure it was good to make sure the drama of friday night was resolved, but otherwise all it did was really send me a reminder that he doesn't want to be with me...exacerbated by his comment 'you need to focus on the future, why are you still going on about it?'...yep, a typical FC blunt comment...
so after dinner and the first episode of west wing (which i have to say i quite enjoyed), he suggested a 2nd one and i declined...all i wanted to do was get the hell out of there...too many memories, simply too hard for me to be with him...
so it seems i can't be friends with him, and i've known this for some time but it was very apparent to me on sunday - even as i sat at the pub with him and we talked about normal stuff (after his apology), i just sat there wishing that things could be different...
so monday, was difficult but i managed to get through the day holding my head high, tuesday was much better and today, well today, was awful....i woke up feeling sad, didn't have anything to eat for breakfast (probably not a good idea), had a big day at work and my 1st meeting was with him...who of late seems to be in a fabulous mood (which for some reason i hate)...i don't hate that he's in a good mood, but i hate that i read it as he's happy, i'm not and all the energy i put into him in the last few months has been good for him, good for his ego, but not good for me...
scary thing is, the friends have been saying this for months...yep, that he was getting what he wanted/needed but i wasn't, yep, well perhaps that's the reality that is making me feel so sad today? who knows?
all i know is that i'm sad, i miss him, i'm frankly wondering how the hell i'm ever going to truly be able to him and what he did to me behind me when i have to see him 5 days a week? i have no idea what i was thinking when i thought that getting involved with him would be a good idea?
so, i'm sad, i'm stuck, i'm over myself, i'm concerned that i still feel so hurt and i'm tired....
so early to bed for me and i sincerely hope that i wake up feeling way way better tomorrow...
so seeing him sunday, turns out wasn't really a good idea for me...nope, sure it was good to make sure the drama of friday night was resolved, but otherwise all it did was really send me a reminder that he doesn't want to be with me...exacerbated by his comment 'you need to focus on the future, why are you still going on about it?'...yep, a typical FC blunt comment...
so after dinner and the first episode of west wing (which i have to say i quite enjoyed), he suggested a 2nd one and i declined...all i wanted to do was get the hell out of there...too many memories, simply too hard for me to be with him...
so it seems i can't be friends with him, and i've known this for some time but it was very apparent to me on sunday - even as i sat at the pub with him and we talked about normal stuff (after his apology), i just sat there wishing that things could be different...
so monday, was difficult but i managed to get through the day holding my head high, tuesday was much better and today, well today, was awful....i woke up feeling sad, didn't have anything to eat for breakfast (probably not a good idea), had a big day at work and my 1st meeting was with him...who of late seems to be in a fabulous mood (which for some reason i hate)...i don't hate that he's in a good mood, but i hate that i read it as he's happy, i'm not and all the energy i put into him in the last few months has been good for him, good for his ego, but not good for me...
scary thing is, the friends have been saying this for months...yep, that he was getting what he wanted/needed but i wasn't, yep, well perhaps that's the reality that is making me feel so sad today? who knows?
all i know is that i'm sad, i miss him, i'm frankly wondering how the hell i'm ever going to truly be able to him and what he did to me behind me when i have to see him 5 days a week? i have no idea what i was thinking when i thought that getting involved with him would be a good idea?
so, i'm sad, i'm stuck, i'm over myself, i'm concerned that i still feel so hurt and i'm tired....
so early to bed for me and i sincerely hope that i wake up feeling way way better tomorrow...
Sunday, September 23, 2012
there's 48 hours i
never want to repeat...
so friday night, whilst sitting with kirst in her new home, get a text from FC saying someone's introduced him to my blog...imagine the sinking feeling in my stomach when i realise that a) he's been out with work people so it's someone at work and b) that he's read it...
oh god, so then another few texts and he says stay the fuck away from me, don't ever talk to me again, he's resigning monday etc etc...then calms down and we have a lengthy call, he wants to assure me that he isn't out to get me and that his texts may have appeared like threats...
so i hardly sleep at all friday night, i feel sick, embarrassed that work colleagues have stumbled across the blog which means they know everything, i'm embarrassed he's found it and basically just felt terrible...
saturday improved and hanging out with kirst the perfect antidote, sunday ok but as it got closer to coming home to sydney, which means work, i started to feel anxious...
now, just back from his, i feel absolutely fine about what happened but sad....
i met him at pub, i apologised again, he apologised for making me feel the way i did, we chatted about work crap, weekend stuff, nothing of note, went to his, had dinner, watched 1st episode of west wing (quite like it), was going to stay for a 2nd but changed my mind...
whilst there he made a snide comment to me about 'funniest thing i've ever read - you should try playboy'...in reference to something i blogged about a coupla weeks ago...then he said 'it's been months, it's unhealthy for you to keep going over it, surely you need to move on' and in that moment i had a sinking feeling and realised that he's done exactly that, and as usual, i feel left behind....
so when i got into the car i found it hard not to cry.....in his head i think it's over, no chance there could be anything, despite a small part of me wishing it could be....he said something interesting on our friday night call, that he now associated me with the february when he wasn't ready....and that just annoys me. how can i help that he fancied me then, pursued me then even though he wasn't ready and then when i develop feelings for him, he changes his mind and now suggests that i should move on...yep, not overly impressed with that...
anyway, the blog's gone private so i can now refer to him as nick....
so i think it's time, time for me to put him behind me, time to not read anything at all into his behaviour...which is hard: it's very difficult to be with someone in a relationship and then for them to mean nothing, and for me, it's difficult not to then misinterpret (seemingly) some of their behaviour...
sad thing is, he told me tonight he probably won't resign until april now (post when bonuses are paid) so i have at least another 6 months of him at work....sigh
so it's been a shocker weekend, has turned out ok, actually he's behaved most considerately and frankly he's been way more understanding than i could have hoped for...and for that i am eternally grateful
on that note, i'm too tired to write anymore, i'm sad in an 'it's really over' sort of a way and frankly, i don't know what else there is to say....
so friday night, whilst sitting with kirst in her new home, get a text from FC saying someone's introduced him to my blog...imagine the sinking feeling in my stomach when i realise that a) he's been out with work people so it's someone at work and b) that he's read it...
oh god, so then another few texts and he says stay the fuck away from me, don't ever talk to me again, he's resigning monday etc etc...then calms down and we have a lengthy call, he wants to assure me that he isn't out to get me and that his texts may have appeared like threats...
so i hardly sleep at all friday night, i feel sick, embarrassed that work colleagues have stumbled across the blog which means they know everything, i'm embarrassed he's found it and basically just felt terrible...
saturday improved and hanging out with kirst the perfect antidote, sunday ok but as it got closer to coming home to sydney, which means work, i started to feel anxious...
now, just back from his, i feel absolutely fine about what happened but sad....
i met him at pub, i apologised again, he apologised for making me feel the way i did, we chatted about work crap, weekend stuff, nothing of note, went to his, had dinner, watched 1st episode of west wing (quite like it), was going to stay for a 2nd but changed my mind...
whilst there he made a snide comment to me about 'funniest thing i've ever read - you should try playboy'...in reference to something i blogged about a coupla weeks ago...then he said 'it's been months, it's unhealthy for you to keep going over it, surely you need to move on' and in that moment i had a sinking feeling and realised that he's done exactly that, and as usual, i feel left behind....
so when i got into the car i found it hard not to cry.....in his head i think it's over, no chance there could be anything, despite a small part of me wishing it could be....he said something interesting on our friday night call, that he now associated me with the february when he wasn't ready....and that just annoys me. how can i help that he fancied me then, pursued me then even though he wasn't ready and then when i develop feelings for him, he changes his mind and now suggests that i should move on...yep, not overly impressed with that...
anyway, the blog's gone private so i can now refer to him as nick....
so i think it's time, time for me to put him behind me, time to not read anything at all into his behaviour...which is hard: it's very difficult to be with someone in a relationship and then for them to mean nothing, and for me, it's difficult not to then misinterpret (seemingly) some of their behaviour...
sad thing is, he told me tonight he probably won't resign until april now (post when bonuses are paid) so i have at least another 6 months of him at work....sigh
so it's been a shocker weekend, has turned out ok, actually he's behaved most considerately and frankly he's been way more understanding than i could have hoped for...and for that i am eternally grateful
on that note, i'm too tired to write anymore, i'm sad in an 'it's really over' sort of a way and frankly, i don't know what else there is to say....
Thursday, September 20, 2012
wake up call
which is an ironic title for someone who got no sleep last night...
so after a big session at therapy, seems lots of things were on my mind and the realisation of just how many losses i've had to endure in the last 3 years (turns out there's really only been one 7 month period where things were good, stable) really got to me yesterday, resulting in me feeling flatter than i had in a little while....so a good cry in therapy, another on the way home and i felt much better before settling in for 3 episodes of the killing - man i love that show! only the finale to go...
so basically where i'm getting to is that i felt ok, not jumping for joy good, but ok...then i noticed a text from FC, asking me to bring a usb stick to work so he could copy west wing onto it for me...we had conversation of sorts (conversations with him are only real conversations if he feels like it), and then he announces he's going to ny for xmas/new year and that just upset me, and sure, it probably shouldn't but hey, i'm human.....we had a shared interest in ny, we talked about going there together so hard for me to have forgotten all that...anyway, turned out we got into a stupid conversation (yes, i'll accept some responsibility for that) and then he says 'you never tell me what you feel to my face and that he'll keep things on the work level as he has tried everything with me and nothing works, and that i misinterpret everything'...yep, some big accusations right there...
this from the man who can NEVER express how he is feeling, and who misinterprets things more than me i think, although it doesn't matter really....so i email him this morning, after a sleepless night (thanks! not) and tell him that he should just have told me if that's how he felt...but no, he stores it up and in one stupid conversation he says 'i'm sticking to a work relationship'...what childish behaviour, really...
so today i manage to hardly see him all day (this is rare given how much we are working on together right now), then he drops by just after 5 to show me something and i give him the usb stick...then i leave
i had a long chat to leah on the way home, after crying on one of my staff at lunchtime (exhaustion probably the biggest contributor to that now i look back on the day) and you know what? i feel WAY better....i no longer have that bereft feeling i had initially...and reality is this: we already have, essentially, just a work relationship and because i so desperately wanted to continue to be more to him than just a colleague, i've tried to smooth the waters every time it looks bumpy
but fuck! i think i'm done...all of my spiritual healers have said (without knowing anything about him) that he's manipulative - the latest one referred to him as manipulative and messy! well, i reckon she's spot on...
so, then tonight, the man who's keeping things on a work level sends me at least 4 emails which in my opinion aren't really work related - sure they started off with something work related but then weren't....
and he wonders why i'm confused, why i sometimes misinterpret stuff....
one of the emails and this is surely a cry for some sort of attention is suggesting that 'birthday's just aren't fun anymore' coz he insisted i have a meeting with his boss and i've suggested tuesday...which of course, is his birthday....
it's another of his hooks....my god, so i think tonight was a wake up call - i've seen through some of his crap - he reacts, pushes me away and then seems to be ok the next day and until today i've beaten myself about that, about what i did wrong, about what i could do differently, but nope, now i can see his manipulative little game for what it is....
so i've not only had a wake up call but for a moment earlier this evening, when i was really angry and so tempted to email him to say that other than work i wanted nothing to do with him, and for a little while i felt like i actually believed that..i'm now wondering if in some way i've dodged a bullet with this guy?
and sure i liked him, but the more i see his behaviour for what it is, the less appealing he is frankly....
so, wake up call indeed, and sure last night's sleeplessness wasn't any good, but probably a necessary evil as i thought through the whole thing...
anyway, i'm going to bed now, hoping for a better night's sleep and the only wake up call i want tomorrow is my alarm clock!!
nite peeps
ps am off to visit the bff in coffs tomorrow! yay xx
so after a big session at therapy, seems lots of things were on my mind and the realisation of just how many losses i've had to endure in the last 3 years (turns out there's really only been one 7 month period where things were good, stable) really got to me yesterday, resulting in me feeling flatter than i had in a little while....so a good cry in therapy, another on the way home and i felt much better before settling in for 3 episodes of the killing - man i love that show! only the finale to go...
so basically where i'm getting to is that i felt ok, not jumping for joy good, but ok...then i noticed a text from FC, asking me to bring a usb stick to work so he could copy west wing onto it for me...we had conversation of sorts (conversations with him are only real conversations if he feels like it), and then he announces he's going to ny for xmas/new year and that just upset me, and sure, it probably shouldn't but hey, i'm human.....we had a shared interest in ny, we talked about going there together so hard for me to have forgotten all that...anyway, turned out we got into a stupid conversation (yes, i'll accept some responsibility for that) and then he says 'you never tell me what you feel to my face and that he'll keep things on the work level as he has tried everything with me and nothing works, and that i misinterpret everything'...yep, some big accusations right there...
this from the man who can NEVER express how he is feeling, and who misinterprets things more than me i think, although it doesn't matter really....so i email him this morning, after a sleepless night (thanks! not) and tell him that he should just have told me if that's how he felt...but no, he stores it up and in one stupid conversation he says 'i'm sticking to a work relationship'...what childish behaviour, really...
so today i manage to hardly see him all day (this is rare given how much we are working on together right now), then he drops by just after 5 to show me something and i give him the usb stick...then i leave
i had a long chat to leah on the way home, after crying on one of my staff at lunchtime (exhaustion probably the biggest contributor to that now i look back on the day) and you know what? i feel WAY better....i no longer have that bereft feeling i had initially...and reality is this: we already have, essentially, just a work relationship and because i so desperately wanted to continue to be more to him than just a colleague, i've tried to smooth the waters every time it looks bumpy
but fuck! i think i'm done...all of my spiritual healers have said (without knowing anything about him) that he's manipulative - the latest one referred to him as manipulative and messy! well, i reckon she's spot on...
so, then tonight, the man who's keeping things on a work level sends me at least 4 emails which in my opinion aren't really work related - sure they started off with something work related but then weren't....
and he wonders why i'm confused, why i sometimes misinterpret stuff....
one of the emails and this is surely a cry for some sort of attention is suggesting that 'birthday's just aren't fun anymore' coz he insisted i have a meeting with his boss and i've suggested tuesday...which of course, is his birthday....
it's another of his hooks....my god, so i think tonight was a wake up call - i've seen through some of his crap - he reacts, pushes me away and then seems to be ok the next day and until today i've beaten myself about that, about what i did wrong, about what i could do differently, but nope, now i can see his manipulative little game for what it is....
so i've not only had a wake up call but for a moment earlier this evening, when i was really angry and so tempted to email him to say that other than work i wanted nothing to do with him, and for a little while i felt like i actually believed that..i'm now wondering if in some way i've dodged a bullet with this guy?
and sure i liked him, but the more i see his behaviour for what it is, the less appealing he is frankly....
so, wake up call indeed, and sure last night's sleeplessness wasn't any good, but probably a necessary evil as i thought through the whole thing...
anyway, i'm going to bed now, hoping for a better night's sleep and the only wake up call i want tomorrow is my alarm clock!!
nite peeps
ps am off to visit the bff in coffs tomorrow! yay xx
Monday, September 17, 2012
fur balls and boundaries...
yep, that's what i'm dealing with today...
so, the post chest infection, sinus infection, headcold seems to be what feels like a permanent fur ball in my throat...i'm sure the people who sit in close proximity to me at work are over the incessant coughing, god knows i am, but honestly, nothing else i can do....
hope it goes soon!
and then there's the boundaries, yep the ones i'm working very very very hard to put in place with FC (who i really no longer want to call FC, but just in case someone who shouldn't has stumbled across the blog, well it kinda protects his identity...kinda!)....
so last week was a great start! and i am very proud of what i managed to achieve, which doesn't seem much, but for me, this is a HUGE step in my development....so Mon night I didn't respond to a text, Tuesday night I declined an offer to go thru something (in non work time I might add, so not exactly that hard to decline, but typically any chance I've had to communicate with him i have, so in fact, it was quite big to say 'thank you but no') and then Thursday he called me (even though i'd accused him, in this forum, of dropping out of a conversation when it looked like i might be quite emotional...turns out he didn't drop out but me, so FC, i'm sorry about saying that...you usually do, so i guessed that's what you would do, and of course i wrote the blog before seeing your missed call...oops!) but i missed his call, which wasn't necessarily me putting in place a boundary, but not doing anything about it, yes, that's the boundary....
and you know what? i think it's actually good but it feels awful - it feels rude (at times), i worry about what it means he will now think about me, i fear that now that i am clearly pulling back and not being at his beck and call (which he would be used to), he's going to lose interest in me altogether....and for some reason to me, that seems like the end of the world...i can't bear, it seems, for him not to like me, or to think badly of me....not sure why, but it's my pattern, it's what i do so i'm going to sit with this awful discomfort and see what i can learn from it...
so, what have i learned? that putting boundaries in place is really difficult for me, but having done so, the world doesn't stop turning on it's axis...go figure! that even though what i ultimately want is for him not to contact me, not to hook me back in, not to play his manipulative games with me (ie just when it looks like i'm moving away, he'll try and rope me back in)...no, so even though there is a part of me who desperately wants to maintain contact with him, i know really that ultimately the BEST thing for me is not to have any contact with him (other than the work contact we have to have)....
so sure, knowing it and believing it are two different things and really, this is all very new to me...can't remember a time when i've ever put in place boundaries like this - no wonder it's uncomfortable, no wonder i wonder what might eventuate....
anyway, i'm trying, and i'm struggling with it, but still, i'm trying...and really, i can't ask for more of myself than that....
new naturo (who i love btw) did kinesiology on me today and said (and i quote) 'he's messy this FC, messy and manipulative, be very careful'...hmmm and i have hardly told her a thing...
Bec something similar in my crystal healing on saturday...that having someone like me show an interest in him has boosted his ego, that he likes me, still wants me in his life and may still make some sort of effort to get me back, although she thinks that highly unlikely...me too! even though occasionally, when i'm feeling tired and lonely, i wish he would...
but he won't, so uncomfortable boundaries is where it's at for me right now....
hmmm...at least there are some boundaries!
so, the post chest infection, sinus infection, headcold seems to be what feels like a permanent fur ball in my throat...i'm sure the people who sit in close proximity to me at work are over the incessant coughing, god knows i am, but honestly, nothing else i can do....
hope it goes soon!
and then there's the boundaries, yep the ones i'm working very very very hard to put in place with FC (who i really no longer want to call FC, but just in case someone who shouldn't has stumbled across the blog, well it kinda protects his identity...kinda!)....
so last week was a great start! and i am very proud of what i managed to achieve, which doesn't seem much, but for me, this is a HUGE step in my development....so Mon night I didn't respond to a text, Tuesday night I declined an offer to go thru something (in non work time I might add, so not exactly that hard to decline, but typically any chance I've had to communicate with him i have, so in fact, it was quite big to say 'thank you but no') and then Thursday he called me (even though i'd accused him, in this forum, of dropping out of a conversation when it looked like i might be quite emotional...turns out he didn't drop out but me, so FC, i'm sorry about saying that...you usually do, so i guessed that's what you would do, and of course i wrote the blog before seeing your missed call...oops!) but i missed his call, which wasn't necessarily me putting in place a boundary, but not doing anything about it, yes, that's the boundary....
and you know what? i think it's actually good but it feels awful - it feels rude (at times), i worry about what it means he will now think about me, i fear that now that i am clearly pulling back and not being at his beck and call (which he would be used to), he's going to lose interest in me altogether....and for some reason to me, that seems like the end of the world...i can't bear, it seems, for him not to like me, or to think badly of me....not sure why, but it's my pattern, it's what i do so i'm going to sit with this awful discomfort and see what i can learn from it...
so, what have i learned? that putting boundaries in place is really difficult for me, but having done so, the world doesn't stop turning on it's axis...go figure! that even though what i ultimately want is for him not to contact me, not to hook me back in, not to play his manipulative games with me (ie just when it looks like i'm moving away, he'll try and rope me back in)...no, so even though there is a part of me who desperately wants to maintain contact with him, i know really that ultimately the BEST thing for me is not to have any contact with him (other than the work contact we have to have)....
so sure, knowing it and believing it are two different things and really, this is all very new to me...can't remember a time when i've ever put in place boundaries like this - no wonder it's uncomfortable, no wonder i wonder what might eventuate....
anyway, i'm trying, and i'm struggling with it, but still, i'm trying...and really, i can't ask for more of myself than that....
new naturo (who i love btw) did kinesiology on me today and said (and i quote) 'he's messy this FC, messy and manipulative, be very careful'...hmmm and i have hardly told her a thing...
Bec something similar in my crystal healing on saturday...that having someone like me show an interest in him has boosted his ego, that he likes me, still wants me in his life and may still make some sort of effort to get me back, although she thinks that highly unlikely...me too! even though occasionally, when i'm feeling tired and lonely, i wish he would...
but he won't, so uncomfortable boundaries is where it's at for me right now....
hmmm...at least there are some boundaries!
Sunday, September 16, 2012
200 posts and 3 months tomorrow
hmmm, so just finished by 200th post on this, the new blog! wow, only seems like yesterday that i wrote my first post here....
and tomorrow marks 3 months since the fateful day when he announced 'it seems we are in a relationship and i don't want to be'...wow, 3 months...gone quickly in some ways and has dragged on and seemed interminable at times...
but hey, i survived, and i can still smile, and in fact i don't feel quite so bad....
soo 200 posts, 3 months tomorrow and in a little over 2 weeks i'll be NYC bound! yay
and tomorrow marks 3 months since the fateful day when he announced 'it seems we are in a relationship and i don't want to be'...wow, 3 months...gone quickly in some ways and has dragged on and seemed interminable at times...
but hey, i survived, and i can still smile, and in fact i don't feel quite so bad....
soo 200 posts, 3 months tomorrow and in a little over 2 weeks i'll be NYC bound! yay
tired of being single...
honestly, i am over it....so many things remind me of what i don't have right now, and sure, i know i should be grateful for what i have, and i am, but really...i'm over being single...
like everything it has it's pros and con's....but when you feel lonely, are in the throes of the post relationship recovery, and almost everyone you know is coupled, well, some days it's hard to remember, let alone appreciate, all the good in your life...
surely i am not the only person to feel this way?
funny really as when i was a little girl, i'm pretty sure that i didn't imagine i would be 43 and still on my own? and sure, it's not like i've been on my own forever, but the recent relationship with FC, which came out of the blue, a complete and utter surprise, well, i thought it might really work...
so it seems that it doesn't get easier as you get older, the breaking up, the mending a broken heart, nope, it seems definitively more difficult, and that i was not expecting....
and sure i always throw myself in with both feet, although i did hold back with FC (at times anyway, when i sensed he wasn't really in for the long haul, or any haul as it turns out), but i really didn't think it would hurt so much, or take me so long to recover from...
truth is, i'm mostly ok, but the loneliness has well and truly set in now, and so whilst i find myself feeling sad much more than i think i ought to (although really, is there any ought to when it comes to healing? methinks not!) i think it is more about being single than about not being with FC....
and sure, i still occasionally have the hope that he'll turn up to nyc and sweep me off my feet (he won't) or that when i'm back (after no contact for 3 weeks) he will have missed me so much that he turns up, declares his undying love for me and we give it another shot (again, not going to happen)....but really, even though i have these thoughts, they could just as easily have someone else as the lead? not FC, but someone else, someone who will actually be more than just a fantasy i've created, someone who will make me feel special and want to be with me, someone who won't smoke a pack a day, someone who will be able to handle emotions, his own and mind, someone who won't pursue me unless they actually want to be in a relationship....and someone who isn't just good on paper, but is actually good, for me....
soooo i'm tired, not just physically, but emotionally...tired of wondering when it will be my turn, tired of being single and having to do everything on my own, tired of not having someone to share my life with....
so, universe if you are listening, i'm tired, and would love for you to help me out....
thank you...
ps now it's bed for me as i have a huge week at work ahead....which will include (sadly) far too much time with FC....really would be nice if he could be out of sight, out of mind....alas!
like everything it has it's pros and con's....but when you feel lonely, are in the throes of the post relationship recovery, and almost everyone you know is coupled, well, some days it's hard to remember, let alone appreciate, all the good in your life...
surely i am not the only person to feel this way?
funny really as when i was a little girl, i'm pretty sure that i didn't imagine i would be 43 and still on my own? and sure, it's not like i've been on my own forever, but the recent relationship with FC, which came out of the blue, a complete and utter surprise, well, i thought it might really work...
so it seems that it doesn't get easier as you get older, the breaking up, the mending a broken heart, nope, it seems definitively more difficult, and that i was not expecting....
and sure i always throw myself in with both feet, although i did hold back with FC (at times anyway, when i sensed he wasn't really in for the long haul, or any haul as it turns out), but i really didn't think it would hurt so much, or take me so long to recover from...
truth is, i'm mostly ok, but the loneliness has well and truly set in now, and so whilst i find myself feeling sad much more than i think i ought to (although really, is there any ought to when it comes to healing? methinks not!) i think it is more about being single than about not being with FC....
and sure, i still occasionally have the hope that he'll turn up to nyc and sweep me off my feet (he won't) or that when i'm back (after no contact for 3 weeks) he will have missed me so much that he turns up, declares his undying love for me and we give it another shot (again, not going to happen)....but really, even though i have these thoughts, they could just as easily have someone else as the lead? not FC, but someone else, someone who will actually be more than just a fantasy i've created, someone who will make me feel special and want to be with me, someone who won't smoke a pack a day, someone who will be able to handle emotions, his own and mind, someone who won't pursue me unless they actually want to be in a relationship....and someone who isn't just good on paper, but is actually good, for me....
soooo i'm tired, not just physically, but emotionally...tired of wondering when it will be my turn, tired of being single and having to do everything on my own, tired of not having someone to share my life with....
so, universe if you are listening, i'm tired, and would love for you to help me out....
thank you...
ps now it's bed for me as i have a huge week at work ahead....which will include (sadly) far too much time with FC....really would be nice if he could be out of sight, out of mind....alas!
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