struggling to put my own needs

ahead of his...and this is a very old and familiar pattern for me, i've been doing it, as far as i can tell, just about my entire life...

so maybe (and this literally just occurred to me!) that one of my lessons with FC was to be able to put my needs above those of someone else, no matter how strange that feels, how guilty i will or may feel, and no matter what i think the consequences will be...

yep, hard to believe that an intelligent, successful person (that would be me!) finds it hard, in this instance to put my needs ahead of his....no wonder my friends keep telling me that in this 'limbo' state we are in, he is the only one getting his needs met?

and sure, he is a fabulous help at times, and very generous in 'doing' stuff for me, but that just leaves me feeling confused and frankly, reignites the hope that i initially worked really hard to try and get under control...

not to mention the occasional mixed message which just does my fucking head in...really? does the man have NO idea about boundaries? about what it's appropriate to say to someone you used to date/be with, who now is supposedly only a friend? nope, seemingly not...

and i have mentioned a few times the resistance i have to having this conversation with FC, but mostly i think it's my fear about not just how he might feel, but how he will react and what that will mean in terms of how he feels about me...yes, so let's play that again...

i'm afraid that in telling him that my needs aren't being met in this 'limbo trying to be friends' bullshit state, he will not be happy and will then just not like me at all...

yep, when i type it into a post and read it, and actually hear it, i think 'well that's just crazy, what about what you need? and what works for you?' which is of course something i would say to a friend if they were asking me for my advice...

hmmm, so it seems that perhaps the resistance is less about not wanting to cut off contact (not realistic given we work together) but more about what i think it will do to how he feels about me, or how he feels...

yep, gotta give that some serious thought - and that's all rather interesting as from the get go i have maintained i never wanted to just be friends with him, and since the split, if we didn't work together i would have cut off (or at least made an attempt to) all contact with him, thinking that would be the only way for me to get over him....

yep, now i'm really confused! my head hurts (had the MRI tonight - he kindly picked me up, took me and brought me home - which was very sweet, but of course, along with other stuff he said last night, has just left me confused), i'm tired and contemplating drafting what will be a very lengthy missive to him....

so, the other thing he said last night was that even though he doesn't have the ticking clock of a girl, he's not exactly thrilled to be approaching 40 and single...hmmm, this from the man who told me only 6 weeks ago that he didn't want to be in a relationship but that it was not about me, but about him and his head space...really? so how is it he's not happy with where he's at?

yep, totally and utterly confusing really....

anyway, i need sleep, i need to get my head straight and then work out how to say everything to him that i want to say and move myself to a place where i can imagine being with someone else....

nite!

my therapist

is away for 3 weeks! and yesterday marks the first weekend in probably six or so months that i haven't had a session with her...i wasn't really sure how i would feel about it all, but yesterday was the first saturday in MONTHS that i had a lovely day - i woke up feeling happy

i'm trying to ascertain how this can happen more often, and as i said to one of my bff's Friday, I am not one of those people who thinks you can just 'choose' to be happy...and i'm working through how i feel when someone says that sort of thing to me (usually, i don't take it very well or find it dismissive, or perhaps it's simply a sign that so many people are emotionally unaware that they figure it must be true?) and i'm trying to work out if perhaps it's me, maybe there is something wrong with my thinking, my brain chemistry that means i can't just say to myself 'you are happy today' and i will be...

hmmm, a part of me wonders if in fact, whilst it may be a good switch to have in one's brain, is it also not linked, in some way, to denial and pushing down all the emotions that are real and present?  not sure, think that's worthy of some further thought...

there is something i want to post however: so i got a new pc a coupla weeks ago, FC has been very thoughtful in helping me set it (and some other stuff) up, but i have noticed that the very sensitive mouse pad seems to mean that things i don't intend to do/move, move without me really knowing what i've done and in doing that, i seem to have deleted (wait for it) EVERYTHING out of itunes...so now itunes is empty: no music, no movies, no tv shows...yep! absolute nightmare...this all happened last night

so once i realised i'd done this, i immediately sent a text to FC, who of course doesn't respond until this morning....and that brought up a couple of things which i'm trying to sit with and explore:

 - firstly, my head immediately goes to 'oh great, he's out with someone else (meaning another girl) which means he must have lied to me about not wanting to be in a relationship, really he just doesn't like me'...and
 - secondly, i feel so useless in the IT realm (although i'm reasonably good with your intermediate stuff) and this reminded me of how i felt when Ben left (seems i have a pattern of relying on men for my IT stuff, and it really doesn't serve me)....

both of these realisations aren't exactly good! i mean sure, it's good that i'm aware of what's going on, and sure it's good that i can articulate it in a post, but really, they are obviously both linked to old patterns of behaviour that no longer work for me, and at some point will require further investigation/discussion with therapist...

oh that's right, she's not here! oh well, perhaps a long walk with some running thrown in for good measure, in the sun will help clear my fuzzy head...

there are times

when I wish I hadn't gotten involved with FC.... and sure that's a bit dramatic but when I feel sad and without hope or when I imagine him with someone else (even though I suspect things would never really have worked out with us) well thats when I think it would be better to never have allowed myself to go down the path that we went down...

in a show I watched the other day one of the characters said to his ex that he spent half his time thinking he couldn't live without her and the other half wishing he'd never met her.... not sure that's exactly how I feel but i can relate to it.....

ok, taking myself to bed as I'm over feeling sorry for myself! nite x

frustrated...

yep, really fucking frustrated...so after a good day i have been downloading again today on the new pc and in doing so, seems like i've managed to accidentally delete everything out of itunes...

i'm so fucking annoyed and because FC help me set everything up, it makes me wish i could just call him, or that we were together and now i'm sitting here not only frustrated and annoyed as i have absolutely NO idea what i did, but also helpless...

and this reminds me of how i would often feel after Ben and I had broken up as he was so good with computer stuff that i relied on him, and i guess i've come to rely on FC too in recent times and that just makes me feel sad...

and of course i've texted him, but he'll do his usual non responsive shit - and true, he is coming here tomorrow to sort some other stuff out, but i just hate feeling like this...this is one of the things about being single that i really hate, and i'll admit that when stuff like this happens i do tend to behave like a child (i'm grown up enough to admit this)....and i'm not proud of it, but when thigs go wrong and i don't know how to fix them, well it seems it's a trigger to some sadness...i guess the truth is that we all need someone to rely on occasionally, and right now, i feel like i can't rely on anyone, and this isn't unfamiliar to me, but still, i don't like it...and tonight, after a lovely day actually, i'm now just frustrated, annoyed with self and sad.....and not having anyone to rely on, especially when things don't go to plan, well it's a trigger for me...

yep, so at least i'm aware of it, right? that's good right? well right now it so doesn't feel good...

all i can think now is that whilst the music and video files still appear to be on my computer (phew), they are no longer in itunes (meaning, when i open itunes it's empty)...and i have NO idea how i've done that....

so i'm annoyed...with myself, with the new computer (as i have NO idea really how the file structure works nor how things seem to move without me even doing anything - meaning the mouse pad is very sensitive i think)

so, i've had a bit of a cry, i would scream if i didn't think it would disturb my neighbours, but i'm sure i'll be ok...

all i am hopeful for is that FC will be able to sort it out for me, i have no doubt he will, but i really hope he can...

so, rant over....tea and jaffa cakes might cheer me up!

nite x

990

page views since i started this blog - nothing like the 10,109 views on my old blog site, but still - it's only been a couple of months....

thanks for dropping in peeps, appreciate it!

wasn't a good day

today, in fact it was a mean reds sort of day...and not just because i watched Breakfast at Tiffany's last night...

nope, didn't get off to a good start.  the headache of the last 10 days continued well into last night, i had disturbing dreams all night, pretty much all of them about saying goodbye to FC in one way or another, then him leaving work (for good) and not saying good bye to me, then him turning up at mine with a bag and that girl from his team (the one who has a crush on him, the one i don't trust, the one he promised me he would never be interested in)...suffice it to say i woke up feeling disturbed and sad

never ceases to amaze me how powerful dreams are...so some part of my morning was spent trying to analyse the dream, and i'm not sure i did a great job! Freud believed that dreams were wish fulfillment, so i got to thinking that maybe i'm wishing for a good bye with FC...and it's becoming a struggle to refer to him as FC now, as that was the name i gave him when i needed to keep his identity a secret for both our sakes, but it seems, there is no longer any imperative to do so....

and truth is, on some level i do want a good bye with FC and then the shadow (and i got to thinking a lot about her and what she wants today), well, she doesn't want a good bye - she wants the fairytale, but she wants that with anyone, it's not specific to FC...

nope, she's the broken young me, the me who doesn't believe she's good enough, the me who hates being abandoned, the me who hates being disapproved of, the me who hates not being a good girl...nope, she definitely doesn't want a good bye with FC...and what i realised is that when she's in the driving seat, the Sarah i normally am, the older wiser sensible realistic me (although i'm still a dreamer at heart), well she knows that hoping for the fairy tale with FC is futile....and not just because he can't do it, but because when i look at it objectively, he just isn't right for me, no matter how much of a connection we think we have, no matter how much we enjoy hanging out (sometimes), no matter there are a few things i find really cute in him...nope, these little things do not a fairytale make i'm afraid...no matter how much i may wish it to be so...

so that was the start of the day, then a couple of texts with him seemed to perk me up a bit and then an email exchange about a work matter that just made me remember how fucking rude he can be, and sure maybe i over reacted, sure, he's different to me and communicates differently, but wouldn't you think that after spending so much time together over the last few months, after getting to know each other, that he would be more sensitive to how i might receive something? apparently not...and my friends who are 't' on the MBTI (like him) think i over reacted, but still, i was incensed and hurt by how he spoke to me, and when i bothered to call him on it, he tells me that i annoy him sometimes especially when i do shit i have a go at him for - have NO clue what he means by that and when i asked him he said it wasn't a text conversation - i've noticed he does this a lot...and i think it's either his way of wanting to meet face to face or it's simply avoidance (that's more likely, frankly)....

so really most of the day i felt sad, and back in that place of only a couple of weeks ago, which after the last week or so of feeling good and happy and starting to be back to my old self, was a shock and i didn't handle it so well....

sure i've been sick all week and haven't been sleeping well, work is very busy and quite stressful, so generally my capacity to deal with stuff is lower than it might ordinarily be, but still, today was not good...

ended ok, with a coupla episodes of Dixie followed by SATC the movie...and now it's nearly 2am (oops!) and i really must get some rest....

i have nothing planned until dinner with him sunday night (he's coming to rectify the itunes issues i am having with new pc i hope, as well as tweak the universal remote he installed for me last weekend),,,and you know, for a minute or two today when i was so very angry at him for the rude email, i thought i would just tell him we would be far better off having absolutely no contact at all...

but then that just seems futile when we have to work together....and for another moment today i actually thought to myself 'i rue the day i ever decided to help him'...

hmmm., more to follow but right now i must go to bed...

nite peeps and happy weekend ahead xx

making a difference...

is something i like to do, and when i was running my own business, one of the things i loved most was the impact i had on clients - there is nothing quite so exhilarating as being with a client in a moment when they have an 'aha' moment or they realise something that could help them move forward...a real privilege

and since i started back in a 'corporate job' the opportunities for this sort of work have diminished somewhat, not disappeared, but diminished...

so imagine how lovely it was on Sunday when i went to see one of my fave shop assistants at one of my fave shops and she was gone! the girls told me she'd left and gone to another store (upstairs) so i ducked in to see her...last time before this that i saw her, she was having a difficult time making a big decision and so i talked through the options with her...

so when i see her, she gives me a big hug, we have a chat and then she tells me how grateful she is to me for having listened last time i saw her, and that she'd made the decision and she was so much happier - i was so pleased! reminded me just how much i loved my job before, and how much i will love it again when i get back there...

then, not long after that, FC came over to help out with computer stuff and i know for a fact that i would hope that any friend or any potential bf would be someone i could share this with and have them be happy for me...

nope! didn't even occur to me that i should share this with FC...i simply don't think he would understand....how could I want to be with someone who wouldn't share in my happiness about something i'm so passionate about...yes, good question indeed!

then, as something of a 'test', i checked FB, noticed my gorgeous nephew had captained his footy team for the first time and the team WON (amazing coz they usually get belted) - i was beyond excited, told FC this and all he did was look up for a moment in my direction - no 'that's great', no 'oh how old is he, what sort of footy?'...no! nothing...he said absolutely nothing...

and so both of these things have really stayed with me and i think perhaps they are a big part of why i'm feeling much better....i want someone who will support my passions and my dreams and be able to express excitement or happiness for me when something good happens in my life....

well, i'm pretty sure that FC just does not fit that bill.....

hmmm i think this says more about me than him, as for months i had myself thinking i could be in a long term relationship with him...yep, lots for me to think about!!

over him?

hmmm so i don't usually like the expression 'get over it' or 'get over him' which is the often free advice offered to those of us who are moving on from a relationship...and i have never liked the saying 'get over', coz really, how DO you get over someone, that for however short or long a period of time, meant something to you?

do you actually get over them or do you in fact just accept that what you wanted (at some point) won't be? and find a way to move on from the hopes and dreams you may have held with this person? yes, i think that's it...

and yes, i did have hopes and dreams for what might be with FC and me, and yes the painful sadness which followed when he pulled the pin has gone, and yes a very very small part of me still holds onto something, but mostly, i feel good...

and i wonder actually if i am 'over him'? certainly i feel better, the old Sarah has re-emerged and i have remembered what it's like to wake up and feel happy, and sure i'm not jumping for joy this week (after all i've had a headache for 10 days) but i feel better, brighter and positive about what my future holds...

and i know for a fact that it doesn't include FC, well not in a romantic capacity anyway....and following on from last night's post, i wonder if it will include him at all...i'm still pondering whether, long term, we will in fact be friends....i honestly don't know - i have no sense of whether or not we could be...but based on my conversation with Leah earlier in the week and again today (where we both talked about how difficult friendships with others have been since we connected - see our connection is a meeting of the minds, a mental kinship as it were, and it leaves other friendships for dead in some ways...shallow and superficial and lacking emotional depth) i question whether he could be the sort of friend to me that i would want? and then of course there's the added difficulty of how i am going to feel when he tells me (as a friend) that he's met someone, or is randomly sleeping with someone...yep, i am certain i don't want to know that sort of stuff, and sure i said i was over him (well, actually, i said i think i am) but still, it's not like i can forget what i wanted things to be with him...

anyway, i'm rambling (i know, i know, nothing new right?) so i'm going to take myself to bed and watch Tiffs...and for the FIRST time in ages, i feel good, happy good and not sad, not asking myself all the questions that have plagued my head in the last few weeks...nope, i feel pretty good actually

nite y'all x

not sure if

the 'friends' thing is going to be sustainable....

and i can't put my finger on why, but i always said i didn't want to be friends with him, and sure i was happy to get to know him as a friend as a prelude to a relationship, but he's not the sort of person i would normally befriend - i mean sure he's intelligent, and cheeky but usually my friends and i have much more of a connection on an emotional level, and seriously, i don't have to tell anyone that FC and i don't have that....

it's funny, when i was hellbent on seeing him as someone i really wanted to be with (i'll come back to that) i had myself believing we had a connection, but really, we only had a connection when we were together, and even then it didn't seem to be there...he was often quiet, distant or just down right disinterested frankly...

i like FC, i do, i'm not going to lie and say i don't or didn't, nor am i going to lie and say i am not (on some level) still attracted to him, but honestly, i think i was much more attracted to what i thought he could be to me, in my life, than what he actually was....

Bec's words of last week are still ringing in my head 'yes of course it's possible you could be with him, but you'd have to be a lesser person than you are...do you want that?'...no, i definitely don't and when i was grieving the end and really feeling lonely, i convinced myself i did, but when it's all said and done, i would have been doing an awful lot of compromising i think...

and sure, we never really gave it a real go - how could we? he was conflicted and could never really decide if he was coming or going (mostly going)....so who's to know if we could have made it work? anyway...it hardly seems relevant now does it...

however, there are a couple of questions still floating round in my head - one, which i know he'll never answer, which is what his last girlfriend did to hurt him so badly and two, if he really meant it when he said he still liked the idea of us and that running away to NYC together would make it easier....i am intrigued to know if he really meant it? and i am pretty sure he had been drinking when he said it, and quite possibly in the moment, he did mean it, but one thing i know about FC, is that, almost without exception, the very milisecond he got close to me or said something that implied he liked me, he would retreat....

and sure it's a bit brave to ask him outright if he meant it, brave because he'll probably do his brutal thing and say 'no, i was drunk, sorry'....anyway, we'll see! i'm not even entirely sure why i want to know, but i guess that ever decreasing part of me that still wishes it could be so, wants to know on some level that he feels that too...

anyway, the whole thing is futile, as Leah and i discussed at length yesterday, he is a man child and i'm ready for a man...

and i think i said early on that one of the reasons i'd met FC was to see my pattern once and for all and to break it - so maybe being with him was the only way i would really see just how much it impacted me, how much of Sarah i had to hide to keep that pattern going, and how much happier i would be with someone who was emotionally available and more mature....

anyway, i'm feeling much better (emotionally at least), and starting to really believe that i could be with someone just right for me and no longer sad....sure i occasionally feel sad that things didn't work out, how could i not? i invested a lot of time and energy into him/us...but hey? better i learnt the lesson before we'd been together for years....

so, going to bed now! i did something to the new pc monday which means a few things aren't working as they should - not happy jan! but FC will help me sort that out....

maybe i should put that on my list - an IT savvy person who will be my personal CIO! lol

seems Leah and I

both agree that the first list was better than the less wordy list....so i'm going to repeat it here with a rather pertinent amendment:

- minimum 5"9
- intelligent
- kind, caring, compassionate
- emotionally available
- actually available (yes I know sounds funny, but it's kinda important)
- a good communicator
- open and able to express and handle emotions
- in some way wants to make the world a better place
- likes travel, learning
- ideally likes reading and sport
- has good relationships with friends
- is successful (in his way)
- is comfortable in his own skin
- drives own car
- good sense of humour
- passionate
- preferably does not smoke!!
- wants to be in a committed relationship
- cares about other people
- is not a workaholic
- has a well developed sense of self
- has a healthy inner child
- has integrity
- is financially secure
- is courageous
- is demonstrable
- is basically one of my best friends; and
- thinks i am wonderful and loves me for who i am.

and sure it seems a long list, but i don't think it is...so universe if you are listening, then i am determined to keep my eyes and heart open so when he arrives, i will recognise him...

thank you!

spending time with

FC last Sunday has set me back...see, when you realise how nice it is to be with someone, and then you realise you can't be with them (because they aren't ready), well that just makes it all a bit harder, and that's one of the things i need to share with him....

i have no idea if he also finds it difficult and i guess it probably doesn't really matter, but for me, well, it just meant that the hope i had finally gotten under control, started to bubble to the surface again....

can't be good, can it?

nope, definitely can't be good :(

it's difficult to be

with people who give the impression that you should just be 'getting on with it'...and sure, some people are naturally optimistic and positive and don't understand why some of us stay with things that on so many levels don't work, but usually (and this will sound jaded) these people haven't been single for a long time, and whilst i would not be so naive as to suggest that coupled people are never lonely (i know this not to be true), they do appear to lose sight of what it is like to have to go it alone in the world...

and sometimes, i just find it very difficult to be with people like that, and today was no exception, and sure this person is a new acquaintance, so she doesn't know me that well, and she's been happily married for 20 years to the man she considers her soul mate (how lucky is she?) but i must say that i really felt the need to keep it together today whilst with her, and she just seemed to find it incredulous that despite how FC has treated me at times, and i'll be the first to admit that his behaviour hasn't been that of the sort of person i want to end up with, i still like him and am grieving the end of our relationship....

i guess this is why so many people grieve in private and don't share how they are feeling...seems such a shame really, and of course, that is not only my personal view but my therapist view too...no wonder i trained to be a therapist and coach - i have always valued being able to express my emotions (once i learned how to) and to be with people who could listen without the inevitable discomfort that the large majority of society seem to experience...

and FC is in the majority there...seems one of the biggest issues with us is that he is not only emotionally unavailable, at times closed, rarely wants to talk, but he doesn't seem to be the sort of man who will be able to handle my emotions - and i'm not suggesting i have wildly fluctuating emotions (not usually anyway), nor emotions which i consider to be inappropriate, but i am a passionate, expressive and emotional person and i don't want to have to curtail that for him or anyone else...

one of the things he likes about me is that i'm broken and yet loving and willing to try...maybe he should take a leaf out of my book? he won't of course, but maybe he should...this is something he admires about me and t this is also the same man who has said he has no intention of changing himself....not exactly sounding like the sort of man i want to pursue a long term relationship with...

so, it seems we will catch up tomorrow! he has offered to come shopping with me, although having had a squizz on the internet, not sure we will find what it is i'm after....then he's supposed to be coming here post footy for a chat, and i assume dinner?

i have no idea if i will have the courage to go through with the 'we need some time and space' or 'i think we should have no contact other than work for a period of time'....i think as much as anything i need to not be constantly wondering if he will or won't text me, or wondering if i texted him would he actually respond (seeing as he likes to be in control), or will i simply listen to what his version of 'friends' is...not sure i'll like it, and not sure he would actually be a good friend, nor do i think i want him as a friend...see thing is, for so long i have wanted so much more than friends with him, so whilst friends meets his needs, it falls a long way short of what i wanted...

so that leaves us with the space and time option - which i don't think either of us will like entirely, but one that at least will give him some distance from me, to attempt to sort out his head, to get to a happier place, without me as a complication and for me, well for me, it might just allow me to move on....to start to get to a place where i believe that he isn't my only chance for happiness (and god knows, it's not like our relationship was a walk in the park...nope, from the get go it was difficult, largely not a good journey for me, and frankly one where he pulled all the strings)....

and just to top off what wasn't a fabulous day (despite a great session with Sal and a good acupuncture visit), a friend i met at a writing group, who did a very short stint at my place of work (and sadly injured herself whilst there) is pissed off at me? fuck, there's just no pleasing some people...

so, i'm going to take myself to bed, having watched Carlton win (shock horror) and another few great episodes of Fairly Legal....oh, the other thing he's doing tomorrow is showing me where he downloads my tv shows from and how to put them into itunes...yippee! then at least i won't feel as though i am losing out...

nite peeps, happy sunday xx

my notes...

for what i want to say to FC, if i have the courage to go through with it...

'i have resisted this for months.  thinking that if i said it you would think i was closing off the possibility of us.  but i need to trust...trust that if we are supposed to be, then we will be, no matter what i do.  the mixed messages, me always being there for you, you not being there for me, the dropping out of conversations, the going silent just isn't working for me....i have given you and us my all and that still isn't enough to convince you to take the plunge...i have no idea if we could be together but i saw enough to want to really give it a try, and yet, we didn't really, because...well you know why.  you still like the idea of us but in reality are no closer to being able to have the sort of relationship i want.  i want the fairy tale, i want someone who is absolutely crazy about me...someone who feels about me the way i feel about them, who will take a risk... you want to be friends, i have always wanted more than that....spending time with you makes me realise how good things are (when we are together) and it makes it difficult for me

i wanted to give things a real go, you don't...

so i think that means since neither of us can have what we want, perhaps what we both need is some time and space.....you need to sort your head, to get to a place where you feel happier and without me as a complication

i see no other option for us FC?

but i would like work to be good, we get on well, we have to work together and i enjoy working with you...so if we can keep that good, i guess, well, that's what i'd like

of course i have no idea if i will go through with this - perhaps i'll get his version of what 'friends' is - which is what is supposed to have happened last week....

i know i should do this, for me, but i am resisting...so my task is now to work through what is at the heart of that resistance...yep, not gonna be easy, but perhaps it's because i think he'll just move on and forget about me (whereas i take things to heart so it won't be that easy for me), or perhaps it's the fact that i am over being single and would so dearly love to meet someone to share my life with, and for a short time, FC was a possibility! and sure, when i really look at FC and who he is, well, he falls short in a number of key areas, and yet i still like him, so seems some of my old patterns are still at play....

so lots to think about before sunday - not that he's even confirmed if we have plans - and unlike last week where i contacted him to confirm, this week the ball is in court....so i'm going to muster up all my willpower...

and on that note, i'm taking myself to bed...i'm sad, i'm struggling today and even though i know what i need to do, and know that i would prefer to make this decision than have him make it for me, still the resistance lingers...

yep, it's fast approaching

the time when i will be able to say to FC what i probably should have said a few months ago...

see it seems that i am finally feeling stronger and when i take a cold hard look at things with me and FC there are a couple of things that are starting to emerge, that i have been pretending weren't there, and my amazing session with Bec tonight, confirmed what i already knew...that for me to be with FC, I'd have to be a lesser person, and that just is not going to happen...and that he wouldn't be someone who would truly support me in my journey, sure he'd stand on the sidelines and clap, but not really get invested in my journey...and given how invested i am in the people i care about, i'm not sure that would work for me, in fact, i know it wouldn't....

so whilst i have been projecting my dreams onto him in the vain hope he would become that person, i have moved away from me...yep, i've spent more time invested in trying to understand him and help him that i lost sight of me and what i want, and in doing so, got blind sided by my dreams of a fairy tale ending with him....

i am someone who has spent a large part of my adult life trying to become the person i know myself to be, learning more about myself, trying hard to become a better person, to put behind me the patterns of my sometimes dysfunctional childhood, and the beliefs about myself that have been limiting and have stopped me getting what i want...

but no more! so as i listened to Bec tonight, and my spirit guides, i can no longer pretend that things with FC could be the fairy tale i want...they just can't, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me...and i think i finally believe that...

i no longer feel not enough for him, but too much, and i don't intend to sound arrogant, but it's true...he just isn't ready for the sort of relationship i want to have...and i wish it weren't true, a part of me wishes he was, but he's just not, and the scary thing is, he wasn't at the beginning, and sure, i saw some glimpses that it could be possible, but then he says things like 'you shouldn't change - i'm not going to change me' and i believe him...i want to be with someone who wants to be the best person they can be, who will challenge himself to learn and grow, to support me in my journey and to want me to do the same...

nope, FC just ain't that person...

someone mentioned to me today that i should write a pro's and con's list....and i guess, over the last few months a large number of my posts have been me trying to understand what i liked about FC, as at times, when he retreated or dropped out of a conversation or was just plain rude to me, i questioned myself...but all the time i should have questioned him...because truth is, he's so frightened of being in a relationship and letting himself go, that i let him make me think i wasn't enough...

i'm not sure i need to write the list as really, why bother? the reality is that things with FC and I are just not going to work out as i had hoped...and so all that remains is whether or not, right now, i want to be friends with him...i'm pretty sure i don't as in my moments of weakness, when i'm missing him, or the idea of someone (no, that's not fair, when i'm missing him) in my life, it's easy for my hope to let me think he might change....and then i just get upset again...

and then there's the drunk texts, the texting when he's bored and the mixed messages....and none of these help me.  none of these help me forget the hopes and dreams i had for us, and even though right now, i feel strong, i don't always and i just don't need the confusion....nor do i need the running away that he does the minute he gets close to me...

nope, no longer need any of that...of course, he is asking if we can be friends, because he thinks we have a connection and complement each other in a way not often found, but honestly, i can't be friends with him...

so i gotta tell him that as i see it there were 3 options with us:

a) that he realises how crazy he is about me and we give it a real go (that just ain't gonna happen);
b) that we revert to the relationship we had before this whole thing, namely a friendly co-operative relationship at work based on trust and mutual respect; or
c) we do the friends thing, which does not work for me

so looks like there is only really one option...b! and i was going to write him an email but i'd like to say goodbye in person, i'd like to hug him one last time before i walk away from my hopes....

he suggested a coupla weeks ago that maybe i should take some time out from him to sort my head, but the only person that needs to sort out their head is him...so i think i'm going to give us both some time and space...

so yes, the fat lady with FC has just about sung and i don't feel too bad about it...

wonder how i'll feel in the morning! cold hard light of day always has a way of making things seem either clearer or, well, not!

nite peeps xx

so many

things i want to say to FC, and so i have started to write him a letter...

maybe i'll send it, maybe i won't but it will help me get my thoughts straight...one of the things i have realised (in fact, i realised on monday after our sunday night catch up) was that, when i am with him, i forget that there is a world outside of us....

and this was not a planned realisation, nor is it any romantic notion that i'm holding onto, but merely just me realising how much i like him when we are together...problem has never been when we are together, but when we aren't....his absence at times, his non response to contact, his dropping out of conversations - yep, they are things i just cannot deal with, and sure i could make excuses, but i do not like it!

good to know that i can see there are things i don't like rather than have an overly romanticised view with my rose coloured glasses on...

nope, fair dose of reality here, and that is good!

one step at a time....

ok, this time it really is good night!

best friends are truly

the best medicine! i am truly blessed to have some amazing friends in my life....

so tonight, after what has not been a great day....a slow start (not aided by the headache and what i think is an impending sinus infection), the sadness of last night seemingly not yet gone, and little or no desire to get out of bed, for what was my 1 yr anniversary in this job (wow, where did the time go?), a couple of meetings in town and lunch at Cafe Sydney with some of our advisors (was v nice, always is!), then a short text conversation with FC...well it all left me feeling pretty sad actually....

so watched The Wedding Planner....not sure that's a good idea when one is already feeling weepy? but then i did have a cry and promptly felt better, so perhaps it was in fact just what the Dr ordered...

then, my bff texted to see if it was too late to call...ended up having an hour long chat with her...we talked about the FC situation, her work situation, the FC situation again and honestly even though things with him are not what i want, and i am very close to telling him that other than work, i think we should in fact have some time and space away from each other (which is absolutely not what i would like to do, but think i should) i feel good...

good friends are truly the best medicine! always there, always on your side and always want you to be happy...

so thanks mrs j! love you

nite peeps xxx

ps feeling much stronger now, and certain that only way for me to be able to move on is to sever the non work contact...cringe! and yes, in doing so i am absolutely afraid that he will forget about me, and that he will read that as me shutting the door on any possibility of a future, but in fact, what it is, is me looking after Sarah, and making sure that he doesn't get what he needs while i move further away from what i need...

baby steps!

for the first time in over a week

i actually feel a bit sad...a bit teary...:-(

big sigh

deep breath

perhaps sleep will help, let's hope so!

coupla days on

from our 'conversation' not sure i'm feeling that good...

i was feeling GREAT yesterday, but today, well not all of today, but now, i just feel flat and confused and not really sure

might be because i had a meeting with him today, might be because i've had time to really think about and absorb what we talked about, might also be because i think he is still messing me around....might be because i still think things are still on his terms, even though for a day or so, i felt good!

hmmmm not sure really, so i'm going to try and sit with how i feel and see what happens....usually, this is a good tactic

so, the conversation! last time i posted i was still so very very angry at him: angry that he thought it was ok when out drunk to send me a text saying he still liked the idea of us and him resigning and moving to NYC would remove one of his 2 barriers...followed up with he promised he wouldn't do the hope thing...yep, guess that promise went out the window?

i wonder if he thinks he broke his promise to me, or to himself? either way, not exactly great for me...and sure i had not, have not, given up hope that things between us could actually work out, but i was working really hard to move on with my life, given his decision - yes, you remember? the one where he said he didn't want to be in a relationship....

so he comes around for dinner sunday night (this was arranged pre his text), we made risotto together (well, mostly i made it and he just stirred in the stock), i vented my anger and frustration at him, he listened (patiently), apologised, said he wasn't happy, his life wasn't on track and apologised for mixing me up in it all....he said 'this is why we should run away to NYC together', i said 'you mean you, or you and me?', he said 'you and me'....

fuck! somewhat thrown, i was also a little annoyed....seems to me that FC is confused, he clearly likes me, clearly thinks there could be something between us, but saw fit to end it, but then, some 4 weeks later, when i am finally feeling mostly back to my good self, throws me a hook...really? does he have NO idea?

anyway, so after i'd vented, we ate, he sorted out the setup of my new pc, yes, that's right i have a new pc! love it! a bluey grey samsung number that is so light and so thin.., we watched tele, chatted, he hugged me and i asked him 'what are we going to do?' to which he replied 'i don't know, do i have to answer that now?'...'no' i simply replied...

and in typical FC fashion he's gone (at least that's my read of it all) into his head...yep! i have to remember this, and not to try and make myself feel better, but to remember how CRAP it was when he used to do this, and how much it impacted me, and to remind myself when i am feeling romantic and nostalgic about him, that right now (and maybe even never, but who would know?) he just CANNOT have the sort of relationship i want to have...

oh yes, one other thing i said to him was that maybe he should go to NYC, sort himself out and when he realises he can't live without me, get back here, and beg me to move there with him...he smiled and said 'do you think it would take much begging, it's your favourite city?'...to which i simply responded, 'well it's not about the location FC'...'i know' he says and grins!

the night ended with a hug, a kiss and in response to me saying 'so no doubt we'll continue this conversation' he says yes, then texts me 'nite x'....hasn't done that for a while....and now, i'm confused!

so reality is NOTHING has actually changed, he's still the same broken (his words) person he was 4 weeks ago, i still miss him but that's getting easier, i still miss the idea of what might be but that's also getting easier...and until this afternoon (when i had a meeting with him 1:1) i really was feeling good.

so what's the message/information in all of that?

i have absolutely NO idea! but i know a couple of things:
a) i feel much better than i did this time 2 weeks ago
b) i am clearer about what i want and what i want is to be with someone who wants to be with me at least as much i want to be with them
c) i am certain that i won't go back until things change, and not that he's asked me back, but i wonder if his little hook is in some ways a feeble attempt? or is it merely him trying to make sure his options are open?
d) i am certain that i want someone to be completely, utterly and madly in love with me, and willing to take a risk, willing to put his fears aside for the chance to have something amazing...

so, until he is that person, well i guess the only thing for me to do is get on with my life! and on that note, in 11 weeks and 3 days i will be half way across the Pacific on my way to NYC! yippee....

so nite peeps xx

turns out

i couldn't help myself.... very late last night I sent a simple text saying following his text of Friday night seemed we definitely needed to talk.... wonder what will happen next? what I do know is that I am no longer feeling bereft about the whole thing but rather seeing it all quite objectively and feeling clear that we really need to talk about a whole range of things.... there is still so much that needs to be discussed between us, or is there? hmmmm so, wonder what will happen next and wonder if I need to make a list of the things I want to talk about, so I don't forget if and when that happens.... plenty to ponder on this beautiful sunday morning.... really should drag myself out of bed and go for a run but I just don't think that's gonna happen!!

trying to sit with the

discomfort...

yep, that's what i am experiencing right now.  see, since he sent me that text saying he still likes the idea of us last night, and the email which included the 'ringtone' that is now mine on his phone, i haven't responded....

and sure, i was angry last night, and i still am, although the more i think about what he said, the more i think he must be really confused and conflicted, and i'm still angry....he is the one who called things off, he's the one who only 2 days after finally sleeping with me, tells me he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he's the one who said he thought it would be worth preserving what we have, namely that we have a connection, complement each other, but now he thinks it's ok (once i FINALLY start to feel ok about things) to say that he likes the idea of us...

and the old me, the Sarah who has always been the peacemaker, the one who moves towards, the one who has taken responsibility for far too much, she is feeling rude about not responding....she is also feeling the need to move towards him....but i just know that if i do that, i'll end up regretting it...

he knows damn well he shouldn't have said what he did last night and the next move has to be his...and sure i'm not going to ignore him at work, but i can no longer be at his beck and call, i can no longer make myself available to him...

question is whether i can keep this level of will power going well into tomorrow? see, we are supposed to be having dinner at mine, but i suspect he won't make contact and i'm wondering how that will make me feel...

i suspect not good, but then he is the one who often goes silent, so i wonder how he will deal with being on the receiving end of it?

truth be told, there is a part of me that thinks he'll just stop liking me if i'm not 'available' but in fact, i think it will actually highlight to him perhaps how much he misses me, and it's not like i'm intentionally playing any games - i honestly did not want to respond to his text last night, or even today....because i'm angry! i'm angry that he thinks (or maybe he didn't think? after all i suspect he'd been drinking, not suspect, i know! when he sent it) it's ok to mess with my head like that...

and a small part of me (the dreamer, the girl who has always liked him and thought that there 'may' be something between us) is wondering if this means the door is open for us? and it's not like i've shut it, but i am afraid that he will shut it....

wondering if this is another lesson for me to learn? sitting with how just uncomfortable doing nothing is...and of course it's uncomfortable, coz i usually 'do' something....

aarrgghh! and funny that as i type this my favourite song (well favourite that he introduced me to) is playing and apparently a short extract of it is now the ring tone he's attached to me on his phone....this surely isn't the behaviour of a bloke who just want to be friends?

nope, this is the behaviour of a bloke who's mad about me, who if we didn't work together and his head was sorted, i'm sure would be throwing himself at my feet....

kinda sad really to think that things could be different...

oh well! so i'm still mad, but less so, i'm trying hard not to move towards him and trying hard to see if he will make the next move.....

what a selfish

bastard, what a selfish selfish bastard, seriously...

so tonight after an email this morning telling me that me not being able to make a decision about being friends, my going hot and cold, and fact that he thinks I don't like him sometimes is doing his head in so he thinks we should just have a professional work relationship, he texts me to say that he wants a job in NYC and when I tell him he should do it to make things easier for both of us he says 'I will. One barrier down'... so I ask him what he means and his response is "Us - sorry - I still like the idea of us. My barriers are head space and work. My point was that would solve the work barrier. But I also promised I wouldn't do the hope bit"

fucking what? seriously? have you known anything to be more selfish? i also promised but bugger that, I'll do it anyway....absolutely no clue! i am beyond angry with him....

I have no words to express just how annoyed I am, how selfish I think he is, how completely unaware he is about how is actions impact me I can't respond because I am certain I would be rude, and maybe I should be? if I was going to respond, which I am not, I think I'd like to say 'FC leave me alone until you sort out your head space'....reality is I should have said that to him a LONG time ago....

anger is good methinks, WAY easier than feeling sad or disappointed or let down!

seriously fucking selfish.....

improving but still, there

are things that make me sad...

so i just watched this seasons final of Offspring, and of course, having felt like in some way, Nina's life was running a somewhat parallel story to mine, i'm a wee bit sad that FC hasn't come back to me with some big gesture of how much he likes me and wants to be with me...

on the other hand, having just written (well re-written actually) my list, well it seems that in fact, FC falls short on a few of the things that REALLY are important to me...and sure i spent a few months overlooking those before, but i don't think i can kid myself anymore...

nope, they are important things to me, and i think my desire to be in a relationship overrode my desire for what i actually want, and to be in a happy relationship...see other than when i'm actively grieving (which has been the last 4 or so weeks), well i'm usually sensible enough and like myself and my life enough to remind myself that being happily single is FAR better than being unhappily coupled, and i need to remember that

i need to remember how soul destroyingly painful the last few months of being with Ben were - when i was in a relationship but had NEVER felt so bloody lonely in my entire life...yep, absolutely do not want to feel so desperate to be in a relationship that i fall into that again, and i suspect that my 'longing' for things to work out with FC, was mostly (although there were definite things i liked in him, and definite attraction and chemistry)  about the dream, and less about him and who he was, or how he made me feel...

sadly, mostly how i felt when i was with him was anxiety, confusion, and i constantly got mixed messages...which only left me questioning myself...

so, yes, i'm sad occasionally, and i miss him, and tonight, knowing he's out drinking i both fear and would like him to make contact....but perhaps it would be better if he didn't, then at least i have NO chance of being sucked into what he wants...which is to have me as his friend, to have me at his beck and call, and really, whilst he might get what he wants, i am absolutely NOT getting what i want...

methinks, it's getting a) very close to bed time and b) very very close to telling FC that the only contact we can have is at work....maybe he was right last week to suggest i took a few months out to get him out of my head, although as i type that i think it's a wee bit arrogant! hmmm, yes, i've created that!

anyway, i'm tired, it's still early, but i'm taking myself to the boudoir...

bon soir xx

take 2

of my list, and i'm attempting less wordy, less cerebral and more 'from the heart'....

so universe if you are listening, what i'd like in a man is the following:

 - a man who wants to be with me as much as i want to be with him
 - intelligent
 - kind
 - compassionate
 - caring
 - funny
 - stable
 - generous
 - warm
 - passionate
 - empathic
 - ambitious
 - curious
 - has dreams
 - makes me a priority in his life

yep, universe, that's what i'd like in a man please

and i promise to work hard to put FC behind me so that when this one turns up i'll recognise him...

thank you xx

think i might

be turning a corner....

so today was the first day since we split that i have felt good, pretty much all day! even when i left i was looking forward to nothing more than a quiet night at home and the final episode of Offspring, which i missed last night...

that was, until, i see him in front of me on the road - of course, i couldn't help but get in front of him, and i did, and he didn't manage to get back in front of me...he he he! i know, i know, childish, but i couldn't help myself! imagine how much zippier i will be when i get my new car...yay! of course i texted him to gloat (how could i not!) and eventually he tells me he's going out drinking with his former boss...i wonder why he does that? does he think i need to know what he's doing these days?

bizarre really! and i have to say if he texts me later (meaning, when he's drunk) i will not be happy....i think i am very very very close to telling him that he should no longer text me when he's drunk or bored as it's simply not fair on me...but as i type that i really wonder if he does this without any understanding of how i might feel...? i think he might, on some level, possibly sub or unconscious, think that by texting me, that connection will remain...although as each day passes, i am starting to feel it diminish...

he wants to be friends, i have never wanted to just be friends, so seems, that other than a good work relationship, there won't be anything else...and honestly, when i saw him today i was not remotely attracted to him (and sure, my stomach did a flip when i saw his car in front of me on the way home, but hey, i'm human)....he looked awful, hair looked bad, he really does stink of cigarettes (which on anyone else i would loathe - in fact i loathed it about him in the beginning, before i really got to know him), and i found myself looking at him, perhaps for the first time in a long time, without the rose coloured glasses - so rather than seeing him for 'what i wanted him to be' i simply saw him...hmmm

so anyway, i had a good day! i had the loveliest evening with LL, got home to find some rather serious email news, so had to make a few calls, do a few emails, so bed didn't happen until nearly 1am (groan), and then a very early start in prep for a big, and frankly, stressful meeting...went well in the end, and when i finally left just after 5pm i was exhausted!

so new doona cover is on the bed (very nice), aldi shopping done, petrol in the car, dry cleaning dropped off and a productive day at work, so i'm feeling very much like i deserve a quiet night on the couch.....

anyway, i need to make dinner and settle into the couch, so nite peeps, and have a great friday!

disturbing....

is only way I can describe what I heard tonight....

so I'm out to dinner with girl at work, having a good old time and FC comes up in conversation....

she then proceeds to tell me how awkward he is, how he smells of cigarettes and that the other finance boys have seen him pick his nose and then eat it...... seriously..?

could this be true? she says 2 different ppl have witnessed it.... ew! 

I don't even know what to think...... maybe it was the jolt I needed, to see him thru someone else's eyes?

either way you look at it, it's just not good.....:-(

and a part of me feels quite sad that these ppl talk behind his back and in this case make fun of him....and another part of me wonders if it's true and yet another part hopes it's not and another part of me wonders what other bad habits he might have that he had kept hidden?

yep, utterly disturbing....

priority...

so it's not often i would write a blog where i commented on how insightful a comment from my boss was, but yesterday, she blew me away with something she said, and admittedly, it wasn't directed at me, but i took something from it, something positive i think...and don't get wrong, i like and respect my boss enormously and we get on very well, but there are times when she doesn't let on how thoughtful and insightful she is...well i got a glimpse of that yesterday, it was nice!

see we were talking about her EA (who's partner shipped out today for 6 months), and it's true to say that theirs has been something of a 'rocky' relationship...seems my boss doesn't believe this guy is good for her, and so after she said something callous like 'the sooner he goes the better, then she can put him behind her' - i didn't bother to mention that he was shipping out for a few months, not dead!

anyway, i digress...after that, she said to me that she had spent 20 years in a bad marriage and when she came out of it her standards were really low (i can totally relate to that), and then she said that until she met her current partner, she hadn't realised that previous men hadn't made her a priority and that her EA's boy had never made her a priority...and there was no point being with someone who didn't make you a priority...

and you know what? i think she is onto something there - and of course, i'm sure if i were on the outside of my relationship with FC, i would have said the very same thing about him - he simply NEVER made me a priority in his life...and i let that happen.  sure there were a couple of weeks where he did, but then he retreated big time...and now, now that he has decided he doesn't want a relationship (which is what i have wanted from the get go) he wants to be friends, and right now, i'm letting him have his cake and eat it - why? not a great deal of positive in it for me really...i never wanted to be just friends.  sure i wanted a relationship bsaed on a strong friendship, but that's NOT the same...so right now, he's getting what he wants from me, but what am i getting? need to really consider that, and before it's too late i probably need to reconsider the computer shopping expedition with him that is currently scheduled for sunday (of course, i would prefer someone else to help me buy a new one and set it up...true, i would)...

and of course, i'm not only not on the outside, but heavily involved and invested - in fact, and i hesitate to admit this, but i suspect it's true, that i was really starting to fall in love with him....despite the retreating and the inconsistent behaviour - the good times really were good, and i saw a side of him i really liked....so, that has obviously been difficult (not only to admit) but also to wade through post his decision....

and i would NEVER admit this to him...a) what would be the point and b) it would mean i have even less 'power' in the relationship, the one that remains that is, and i already feel largely powerless, coerced in some ways, and not by him, but because we work together i don't feel like i am doing EXACTLY what i would be doing if i didn't have to see him...hmmm, this is not good, and i suspect is a VERY big part of why i am finding the whole 'getting over him' (although i loathe that expression) very difficult....

so another day done and i don't mean to wish them away, although there have been many times in the last few weeks where i longed for a fast forward button, but they say (who they are i have NO idea) that the greatest learning often comes in times of great pain...yeah yeah, well i'm over the pain! but truth is, i don't feel quite so sad this evening, in fact, after a very busy and productive day at work, and a wonderful massage/reiki sesh with Sharon, i'm feeling pretty grounded and a bit more like Sarah...

and i got 2 emails, from women i have recently met and connected with and suddenly i am remembering why people like me, why i have some amazing friends in my life....

so FC, i am slowly moving towards regrouping after the time we spent together, and eventually not only will i get over you, but over the hopes and dreams i had for us, and ultimately, you will be the person who misses out on just how delightful and wonderful (yes, your words) i am...i was willing to give you my all...so i'm sorry you won't actually get to experience that, shame really coz i think if you'd tried, it could have been something pretty good....oh well!

anyway peeps, hope you've had a good tuesday and i hope wednesday is a happy and fulfilling day ahead x

numb?

i think, sadly, that numb may be an improvement over inconsolable?

yep, it just might be...could be that the hideous surprise period is over, could be the vitamin b complex kicking in, could just be i am slowly moving forward, or could just be a moment of being ok, and even that would be ok, coz in the last 3 weeks, there haven't been an awful lot of them...so anything really, any minute that feels like a reprieve from the pain, well, that's good!

but numb is where i'm at right now...had a very rocky start to my day, which was not aided when not 1, not 2 but 3 things that happened, all of which necessitated attention and time, neither of which i had planned on!....and then, when my favourite team member asked how i was, i basically cried...seemed i just couldn't stop it....

in going back over the day i'm trying hard to see if i can isolate the things that seem to set me off, or the times of day when it seems worse...mornings are definitely worse, and sure, i've NEVER been a morning person so it sometimes takes me a while to warm up, and then, the end of the work day also seems to be a time when things start to get a bit shaky - i attribute this to a couple of things...a) when we were seeing each other, there was a lot of text/chat in the evenings and i miss that b) quite often we would spend week nights together watching some tv show or other, i miss that too but i'm wondering if there is something else going on, something i haven't quite worked out yet?

and then of course there is just the general missing someone who 'did' become a part of my daily life, and sure that is getting easier (of course it is, today is day 22 which means that 'officially' any habit is technically broken), but that's just it: see we haven't eliminated contact entirely (he wants to be friends and is getting what he wants right now) and me, well i'm just plain scared to tell him i don't want any contact other than work related stuff...and why is this so hard for me? yes, i can hear you asking too...

well, it probably stems back to a time so long ago that it's hard to pinpoint...it stems back to a time when i had to look after everyone else, when i had to take responsibility for everyone else (actually one person in particular), it stems back to a time when i had to be a nice girl, and where i was only acknowledged or noticed if i 'did' something...sooo yes, it seems the dysfunctional patterns of my upbringing, with the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally, and probably should have taken responsibility for her own happiness, yes, well it seems that has gotten in the way of me forming normal, functional, adult relationships with men...no fucking wonder these things upset me so much!

and i am not playing victim, and i'm not blaming her - i'm sure she did the best she knew how (honestly, i say that and mean it) but doesn't mean it hasn't impacted me...and i think for a long time i never TRULY understood how it impacted me, because i never really gave most relationships a shot...nope, i'd sabotage them before they got this far, or i wouldn't turn up, i wouldn't voice my needs etc etc, but no, with FC, i did a whole lot of stuff i've never done before, and even though a small part of me believes that in some way him not wanting to be with me (now) is about me, maybe it really isn't? maybe he did really like me for who i am, even though i'm a bit broken, and not quite as 'together' as i may sometimes appear...seems this didn't really bother him?

of course, his brokenness bothered me: his going silent, inability to talk face to face, lack of empathy at times, lack of awareness about how his behaviour impacted me, his retreating (OMG the retreating, used to drive me absolutely mental...guess that's a pattern too, as i'm sure, even though i can't remember, she would withdraw her love from me which would make me furiously scurry in an attempt to smooth things over - i'm a fixer from way back! really gotta change that pattern coz it so AIN'T working for me), the need to be a little bit drunk to open up (even though that rarely actually happened), the fact that after spending the best part of 4 months with him, i really don't know that much about him, about what he wants in life....kinda sad really, and not through my lack of trying...and in all honesty, i'm not sure how much of an effort he made to really get to know me...sure, i talked, but i could talk underwater...nope, reckon i did pretty much all of the work!

Pam told me the other day that he only wanted something casual (yep, he'd told me that even though his behaviour at times was bloody confusing) and possibly that i was too deep for him, too much...yep, i can see that - his stories were largely superficial, at times work was all he could find to talk about, and a number of his stories i had heard before...and that was after only 3 - 4 months...imagine after a lifetime?

and sure, a part of me really wished things with FC had worked out coz there absolutely is a connection there, there always was, although perhaps, that 'connection' is only because i had my antenna tuned in to emotionally unavailable men...

wonder if, the antenna were tuned in to a loving, caring, compassionate, kind, intelligent, funny, sexy man who was ready to be in an equal and fulfilling relationship would I have eve noticed FC?? big question, not sure i know the answer - of course i don't know the answer, not like my life is like Sliding Door - but wouldn't that be interesting to know?

sooo it's been a big few weeks - i have done more grieving and soul searching in that time than i can ever recall doing, even after Ben and I split, possibly not after Chris showed up but that's a different sort of processing altogether....

anyway, i digress! so numb is where it's at, although writing this post has been (as it often is) very cathartic and i feel a wee bit better...

remaining question is this: can i cut off all contact other than work or will i end up attempting friendship with this man? i'm still not sure how i would do that....but as each day passes, the hope that we might 'be' more than we are now, well, it'll go right?

so, nite peeps, have a wonderful tuesday xx

not finding it easy to

accept where things are at...

and i wonder if that is why i am taking it all so hard...or perhaps, and i realised this on my walk, and it pains me to say it, but perhaps the overwhelming desire i have to be in a relationship, coz otherwise i simply feel like my life is a failure, is making it all so much harder...

and even though i like FC, i know deep down, despite how much i might WANT him to be the one, he probably isn't, and yet i don't want to think that yet again, i'm back to square one....which effectively, i am...

i tried hard not to give in and contact him after our text conversation abruptly ended last night, and funny, my first reaction to his comment was to laugh and think he was joking, but the more i thought about it the more i convinced myself he was having a go at me, and since he then went silent (fuck i hate how he does that) i really thought he had misread me...turns out (no surprise really) that i misunderstood him, and not for the first time...maybe i just need to give up, or accept or whatever will make my life easier and allow me to move on and find some peace?

so this morning, having laid in bed and thought about the whole thing, feeling bad i may have actually upset him, i eventually decide to send an email only to get into my email and find he'd sent me some random thing about buying a genuine NYC walk, don't walk sign - kind of kooky really, and nothing that would remotely go with the decor in my home, but he obviously thought it funny....

so then I do spill it, including suggesting we need to talk about boundaries, what he might mean by 'friends' even though i'm still mulling that over, and i reiterated i wasn't trying to make him miss me...then he says that i took his text far too seriously and he was attempting jokey/cute...really? that is so NOT what i read at all...of course there was no punctuation, no smiley face or anything really to indicate this might have been the case, and he wonders why sometimes i just hate getting into text with him...then of course, when i apologise, he goes silent...no wonder communicating with him is like walking in a live minefield...

and maybe i should give up communicating with him - even though i have said that i don't want to cut off all contact - why is that? this is such a typical pattern for me....and maybe, oh i'm cringing again, maybe it's because i think by maintaining contact, he won't be able to help but fall for me and change his mind? not sure really, but i think that some of my old and faulty thinking may be cause for major concern....

even if this man DID come back, i would like to think that the 43 year old me would be able to say to him 'look, i really like you, i enjoyed (mostly) the time we spent together and much as i'd love to get caught up in the fantasy i created about living happily ever after with you, in new york, reality is, we just aren't that well suited...you don't want to connect with me on an emotional level, you aren't able to communicate openly with me, you retreat every time you get too close to me (which i can't deal with), you don't seem to want to make any changes to who you are even though if you look into your heart of hearts you must know that this will hold you back, you say you don't want to be in a relationship but you seem to enjoy the things that being in a relationship affords (cuddling, companionship, someone to look after, being looked after, hanging out, watching tv etc etc).  so sure, i'm flattered you want to be with me, but i often feel too much for you and as if i have to keep a lot of Sarah hidden...i wanted to be able to show you all of me, and i'm sure you think you've seen that, but sadly, there is still a lot you haven't seen coz you never seemed to be able to handle that...ironic you think i manage you well, and whilst i think you have challenged me and helped me get better at some things (thank you), i don't think you understand the impact you have on me, and consequently i don't think you manage me that well, and then there's the issue of you and the fact that i don't think you love yourself - has always struck me as funny that your favourite song of all time is the NTrance song 'Love will set you Free'...FC, i think once you love yourself, only then will you be truly capable of loving another.  I tried for months to really get through to you and hoped that I might be that person, but maybe you are right - timing just isn't right, as much as i wish it would be so...in liking you FC, i forgot about myself, I forgot about my needs and what i want....so now, i need to try and focus on me....'

hmmm so unsure how i feel now, i feel like maybe i just need to try and put it all behind me, remember the lessons i learned, forget the pain he caused me (god knows how one actually does that), try and set aside the dreams i had for me and this man, and simply put myself back together, re tune my antenna, and stop letting myself fall for emotionally unavailable men, coz reality is, FC was NEVER available emotionally, and no matter how much i like him, or how hard i tried, or how hard i wished it were so, he simply was not available....

and so i'm taking myself to bed and sure it's only just gone 8.30pm but i'm tired...i'm tired, i'm confused, and i need to work out a) if i can be friends with him (which given we work together seems like it has to be the option and b) how i accept where things are at...

coupla big tasks ahead really...not entirely sure how that is gonna pan out...

nite peeps xx

so apparently

the 'list' is too wordy, too cerebral....guess that means I'll have to have another crack at it....hmmm

so the consensus...

of the 'outside help' is that FC is just not right for me, not that I'm not right for him, nope, that he is not right for me...

i had the most amazing session today - a new friend, Lee-Anne recommended her kinesiologist/intuitive to me and i must say, this woman, Pam, was amazing...

she asked me why i was there - i told her i was sad following a relationship break up and that was about all she needed...

i spent nearly 2 hours with her and in that time we talked about a lot of my patterns, the issues with my mum, which have led to my patterns with men, looking for love and approval in all the wrong places, attracting emotionally unavailable ones (just like she was to me growing up)...fuck! i'm always astounded when someone i have told nothing to, can tap into what's going on for me and what i need to move forward...

she also mentioned that i had a lot of guides and that i needed to rely on them more...she described it as letting them do the dirty washing for me and then being able to give me back a comforting and clean blanket to wrap myself in...i like that analogy - she knew without any mention of it, that i had a parking fairy (and i do!)

i can't possibly document the entire process, but suffice it to say, she tapped into FC's energy too, she says she thinks he wasn't looking for anything more than a casual relationship, she thinks i am too much for him (in a good way meaning i am more than he can handle, not that there is anything wrong with me), that he will ultimately see not being with me as a loss and that his higher self wanted to make sure i knew he didn't intentionally set out to hurt me...which of course i already knew, although at times in the last 3 weeks that hasn't really made things any easier....

she worked with me to align what i want, to rebuild or create my missing chakras, and told me that pretty soon i would not see FC as anything other than how i saw him 6 months ago - which in some ways is a bit scary given how much time and energy i have invested in him, in a what would be 'us'....see six months ago, which is early January, i had hardly said more than a handful of words to him and he was just simply another person at work...i honestly can't see that it could go back to that, especially as he really wants to be friends...of course, i'm unsure if i could really do that...my biggest fear (yes, not sure if i've said it but i think i need to be honest with myself) is that he will meet someone, i'll hear about it and i'll feel left behind all over again and worse, not good enough because i'll see it as him having chosen someone else and not me....

nope, that is a place i just do not want to go to...

so the consensus of my external aides, Sal, Leah, Bec, anyone I've told about him, Pam and Lily is that he isn't good enough for me, emotionally he could never give me what i want and need in a relationship, that even if he does his work, it won't be enough and ultimately his lack of desire to grow will mean i tire of him...

it sounds so harsh when i write it down, and of course, there is a small part of me that can see how they might see that...especially when in a conversation last night he told me he had no intention of changing himself...this in response to me telling him i wasn't going to change a part of myself i liked (not the entirety of who i am!)...and it got me thinking: the man i want to be with, will want to continue to learn and grow and develop, both individually and as part of an 'us'....so seems, there are a few things about FC that i'm starting to really see for what they are...

and sure, of course i like him still, i like him more than i care to mention actually, and the hope of what he might be in my life, and the future we could have together, yes, they are still very much alive...but it seems my wont to dream has perhaps gone a bit beyond the reality with FC...and sure, i'd like nothing more than for him to do his work, come back and ask me back...right now, that's what i think i want right now, but who's to say how i'll feel in a week, a month?

anyway, we've had some interesting chat in the last day or so but me expressing that it was a shame we didn't get to watch and dissect Life together has prompted him to say 'bugger - please stop making me do the miss you thing'....interesting! doesn't he realise i can't influence how he feels and this from the man who told me only last night that he misses me....and in that moment i realised that i need to be with someone who can hold my expressions of emotion, whether they be happy, or sad, or disappointment or anger...seems FC has never had a capacity for that....

and so another day comes to an end! largely it's been a good day, one of much nurturing and reflection and a LOT of watching tv (always good for me when i need to regroup)....i suspect tomorrow will be a bit more of the same, as well as tea with Rach (yay, haven't seen her since before Xmas...oops!)....

but point was, i got through another day and having just watched a movie that made me very sad, i'm not sure the tears were for FC....

ps still haven't landed on whether or not we can actually be friends....hmmm, not sure! although he has offered to help me set up new computer and universal remote and he's downloaded S2 of Life for me...yay!

so very hard...

is how i've taken this whole experience with FC, and I wonder, on some level, if that is not a sign in itself? not only the breakup, but almost the entirety of the relationship with him was difficult for me on multiple levels...

there were so many times when his behaviour made me question myself, the person i am, my ability to 'be' in a relationship, and sure i know now, that it was nothing to do with me, but his fear and reluctance to be in a relationship...and still, i stayed...

and i know that on a very deep level, that is about me and what i believe i am worth...and that may be why i am just struggling to move out of this mire...because if it weren't FC it would have been someone else who would have arrived to show me this about myself, no?

so the questions that remain unanswered, right now are this: how does one come to a point of true love for self? how do I overcome the hurt of my life and the resulting beliefs about myself so that i can believe that i am truly worthy of such love?

i just don't know the answers to those questions and i think that might be why i am stuck....

and so i wonder? i wonder how long this sadness will last, this sadness that has enveloped me like a thick black fog cloud...i long for it to lift, i long to wake up feeling happy even though mornings have rarely ever been a time of day when i jumped for joy...i long to find hope again

and sure, i know i will be ok, i have always been ok in the past, eventually, after sufficient time has passed for me to regroup and build myself up again...and yes, this has hurt me deeply, and there are moments in that pain where i wish i hadn't gone down the path with him, but that's just not really me, and there were many positives for me....

the most difficult thing is to believe that i could be happy with someone else right now...and sure, i felt that way after Ben, and then came Chris, and then came FC...so OF COURSE, i will be ok, i will move on, i will learn what i need to learn...but right now, i just can't see it...

let's hope sometime soon i not only see it, but believe it!

one of the things i find...

the hardest to deal with is if I do have a 'friendship' with FC how am i going to cope when he tells me he fancies someone else, when i see him with someone else...

of course it's impossible for me to want to imagine that right now when i am still struggling with his decision and very much hurt by the fact that we can't be together...

i can't imagine EVER wanting to hear about this sort of stuff - right now of course, i would be jealous as that's what i want with him...eventually i guess that might pass

it would crush me frankly to even think that after all we went through and all the reasons he told me (well, the only reason actually which is he's not ready) that he might end up with someone else, and my fear, the fear that i have always had in these situations is that he'll find someone and move on and i'll still be on my own...

and i can't tell him this is one of the reasons i'm not sure we can be friends...how can i? not that it would even change anything

it never occurs to me that perhaps i'll move on quicker than he does? that i'll meet someone before he does and it's not a competition to me, it's more about my sense of self, and my belief that maybe i'm not good enough...perhaps something to talk to my therapist about in a couple of hours...

mid week i really thought i was starting to feel better, like the old Sarah emerged, but this morning i feel sad....quite possible the hormones are still playing a role, so maybe i should just sit with it all and see what emerges...

bye for now!

seriously...

not too keen to have another period for a while if it's gonna be like that one...absolutely emotional roller coaster like i have NEVER experienced before (and not in a good way)...i was so dismantled monday/tuesday i honestly considered taking myself to emergency as i was frightened by just how sad i felt...and i hesitate to use the word depressed as i know and care about people who suffer from depression, so i would never want to just bandy the word around...but not for the first time in my life, i got a very real and frightening insight into just how living with depression must be for so many people...

i thank my lucky stars, even though i haven't had the best few weeks, and even though i am still struggling to come to terms with FC's decision that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, i am VERY thankful, that i have (for the most part) my health, physical and mental...thank you universe...

well it's friday, which means i have gotten thru 3 weeks post the break up at work, which means having to see him 15 times...well, actually 14, as i didn't go in today...between the period pain, headache and my heartache, i just could not drag myself out of bed...

so instead had a 'me' day, spent an additional few hours under the doona, sadly some of that time was spent sobbing, made a cup of tea, watched the final episodes of Hart of Dixie episodes (thanks FC) in bed on ipad (i am loving the ipad viewing in bed, although it seems rather lazy!), then moved onto Life (again, thanks FC), finally got showered and went to acupuncture, which helped a lot (having been the last 2 Friday's I do question why I haven't found time to go regularly as i do feel much more 'balanced' after each session...hmmm, mental note to self), was pleasantly surprised to find ratatouille in freezer, had dinner and tuned in for footy...Blues won first game in an age and beat the old foe (yay) and Bullies beat Tigers...can't recall such a good result for my teams in quite a while...and have to say, it has somewhat 'elevated' my mood...so in all, not a bad day - in the midst of all that had a lovely chat to bff Leah and received a gorgeous bunch of flowers from my favourite staff member to cheer me up...

FC and I had a lengthy text conversation: he wants to know if i do want to be friends, he wants to be friends, thinks we complement each other and that is rarely found...hmmm so if it's rare, then why must we just be friends? i just don't get that at all...and sure, following wednesday i am not going down the 'i'm not good enough path', but seriously, if he misses me like he says he does, likes hanging out with me, thinks we complement each other, are attracted to each other...you gotta wonder WTF??

anyway, i'm not sure i can do the 'just friends' thing, at least not right now...he did suggest that maybe i take a couple of months to get him out of my head...and if we didn't work together, i know that i would have already done that...but then, usually you don't have to see them 5 days a week, which does create something of a complication...added to which, starting in a couple of weeks, i think we will need to spend a whole lot of time working on something together, not gonna be easy....

so it's not exactly what i would call a dilemma, but i do wonder how my little heart will go trying to heal and move on from our relationship if i try and be friends with him...i wonder 'what exactly' he has in mind when he says that? perhaps that is something i should consider asking him as i attempt to come to a decision...

had my sesh with Lily last night too - and i can't say i left feeling as good as i did the last time, but of course, one of her gifts is for honesty and basically, having looked at my chart and FC's, she simply said 'wrong timing darling' and 'he isn't right for you, even if he does the work he needs to do, he'll never be able to give you what you want'...and in this regard she means in an emotional way....without me telling her anything she asked me if he was controlling, dismissive, moody, stubborn and she asked if i always felt like he was hiding something...not sure about the last one really, although i am still none the wiser as to a lot of things about him, whereas he knows much more about me...

otherwise she mentioned some key dates to look out for and said that my trip is planned at exactly the time it should be, i'll have a great time (of course I will, I'm staying in a fabulous hotel on W55th called the Dream Hotel...yay!), and she thinks he may even leave work around November (although he says he wants a holiday in November)....and whilst a part of me feels very sad to think of him not being at work, another part of me would, no doubt, be relieved....and of course I don't expect to still be grieving what we had in November, but it will be interesting to see where we end up if he does leave....in the back of my mind is the fact that by then he will have been single for over a year, and it might be hard for me to stop myself thinking that he should be ready....

i suspect no matter where he is, the whole thing, could, if i let it, be a complete and utter mind fuck and something that i allow to stand in my way...hmmm, seems a choice is imminent!

other key things to come out of session were the parents - really it's up to me to work out what sort of a relationship i want to have with them and to be my authentic self (cringe...this has always been so very hard for me) but right now she says that they have no idea how to behave around me or what to do...and i sense that, but then again, i am not responsible for them...(easy to type, not as easy to believe!)

and then the work front: she thinks that i need to do more and be more of who i want to be in this role, which will open up an opportunity for more of it (i can't quite envisage it, but one never really knows what is around the corner! as evidenced by the fact that when she told me in january i would meet someone in November but in the meantime there would be some fun with a man...so didn't believe that the day she told me (and not because i don't trust her, i just couldn't see how it would materialise)...and yet it did! so seems FC was that 'fun', although a lot of our time together i would hardly describe as fun: challenging, made me think, made me question myself far too much, but fun...well, frankly, there needed to be a lot more fun!

extract from blog on 8 January after last reading with Lily: always assuming that when things go wrong i have some responsibility or in some way could have done something differently...hmmm and this is exactly what i did when FC decided he didn't want to be in a relationship...

sooo as i near 3 weeks since, i am starting to feel a bit more at peace with where things are at, it seems the row of last saturday night is long since forgotten, and during the week he has shown me a glimpse of the feeling/compassion i hoped he would have...although one interesting thing he said tonight was that 'he had no intention of changing' and i guess i should really listen to that.  and yes yes, i know we are supposed to love people for who they are and accept their flaws, as we'd like them to accept ours, but to someone like me, who is constantly trying to learn more about myself and become a better person, i'm just not sure i want to be with someone who has no intention of making any changes to self? surely it would become stagnant, surely it would mean that we would grow apart? and that's so not what i want in a relationship...

on that note, i still haven't managed to locate my 'list', you know, the one i wrote only days after Ben and i split which described my 'ideal man'....so maybe i'll give it a go now:

 - minimum 5"9
 - intelligent
 - kind, caring, compassionate
 - emotionally available
 - in some way wants to make the world a better place
 - likes travel, learning
 - ideally likes reading and sport
 - has good relationships with friends
 - is successful (in his way)
 - is comfortable in his own skin
 - drives own car
 - good sense of humour
 - passionate
 - preferably does not smoke!!
 - wants to be in a committed relationship
 - cares about other people
 - is not a workaholic
 - has a well developed sense of self
 - has a healthy inner child
 - has integrity
 - is financially secure
 - is courageous
 - is demonstrable
 - is basically one of my best friends; and
 - thinks i am wonderful and loves me for who i am.

i'm sure i'll add to that from time to time, but yep, this pretty much sums him up...interesting when i compare FC to the list: he definitely meets a lot of what i'd like but there are some fundamental things missing...and he doesn't want to change!

so, as another friday comes to an end and i get ready to turn in, i feel blessed for the many people in my life who care about me and who love me for who i am (and sure FC may be one of those but he would probably never meet my emotional needs, and no amount of pretending that would be ok, would ever actually make it ok - i am an emotional person and don't want to have to contain that...so what i need is someone who is capable of handling that...), for my job, for my home, for my health, as really, even though the last few weeks have been overshadowed with immense sadness at times, my lot in life just ain't that bad, and this too shall pass...

nite peeps, happy weekend xx

closure?

so last night we met up, I went to his, he made dinner then the plan was to watch the footy at his local pub (of course!)….i’d sent him a text the night before telling him what I wanted to talk about, knowing how difficult he finds it and figuring if he had a heads up he wouldn’t feel ambushed – turns out that may well have been a good idea, although I so wouldn’t normally do it, however, it also served as a reminder to me of what i thought meeting up with him might do for me...
and now, nearly 24 hours since it all happened, i'm not sure i can even write about it....

and sure, i'm not as sad as last week, or in the few days leading up to my surprise period! but still, i'm a bit sad....listening to music he introduced me to probably isn't helping! and i just had a 4 hour session with Lily (more on that later, but essentially she doesn't see there is ANY way things could work with FC and I, even if he did come back....)

so during the dinner prep he quickly reviews my list and starts to talk, this is not something he does easily and typically not without beer, but i feel like he's rushing through things and isn't taking it seriously....I go silent, we eat dinner, head to the pub and I’m in such pain (period) that I honestly consider leaving at half time but game got interesting so we stayed until the end and as it was raining I offered to drop him home…he asked me in for a cup of tea and to ‘finish the conversation’ when we pulled up at his, so I went in….not really expecting that he would talk

then for the FIRST time really in the time I’ve known him he showed enormous compassion and really talked…..he re-assured me his decision had nothing to do with me, that he was disappointed and had really wanted it to work and that he couldn’t even begin to put into words what was going on for him on the last night we spent together, he said he didn’t understand himself and that’s why he behaved like a child (interesting!), he apologised for hurting me, he said that he felt we had a real connection, that he missed me, that he liked doing all the things we used to do together, that he wanted me in his life but right now friends was all he could do (this in relation to where we go from here), that the timing was crap, that he just couldn’t be in a relationship and even though he really wanted things to work, and in his defense he really tried, his head just kept getting in the way, that he wouldn’t put me, or him through that again as it was awful for both of us…….he said he thought that I really got him and that I was one of the few people who knew how to manage him (funny, as i often had NO idea what was going on for him), he said he'd really enjoyed hanging out and all the stuff we'd done….he didn’t want to say anything like ‘right now that’s all I can offer you’ as he didn’t want to be one of those men who left me hanging as he cared too much to do that…and he said that if we had just continued I’d have had to be subjected to a lot of his stuff….

i cried, we hugged, and i left around midnight.  in some ways it’s made it harder, but in other ways at least I’m not doubting myself….so right now i am still mulling over whether we could be friends, and sure, we could, question really is, can I? can i be friends with him without always hoping for more? do i actually want to be friends with him, i always maintained that i didn't want that....and how on earth do i either forget (that's not going to happen) or put aside my feelings for him? how would i go if he doesn't manage the boundaries very well - history tells me he's not great at this....even last night as he's hugging me on couch (i was crying) he starts playing with my hair and tells me he misses it...and this is why i think being friends could be troublesome....

the last thing i want is another period of mixed messages and heartache...nope, can't sign up for that...but there is still (and sure, it's not yet been 3 weeks) a part of me that wishes it could work out...and sure, this is normal, not like i would have spent upwards of 3 months investing in this if i didn't want it to work, not like i want to be on my own so i was hopeful things with him would work out....

not like i wasn't secretly, well actually no, not that secretly, hoping that one day we would be together and perhaps even go to new york together...yep, seems even though the hopes and dreams are now just that, they haven't died yet....

sooo whilst i think i might have some comfort in that i am no longer left thinking it has anything to do with me, or the fact that i might not be good enough (i am good enough, actually!), and i no longer feel like things are 'horrible' between us...i'm not sure i have closure....

resolution perhaps, but not closure...and the question of where to from here still remains...

think it may take me a coupla days to sift through my feelings about that....

nite peeps, wishing you a fabulously happy and safe weekend ahead x