is what i am hoping for....actually, and metaphorically
see, spring is not far off here in Sydney, and in fact, based on the last few days, it feels like it may well have come early...and i am extremely grateful for that! spring is, like autumn, one of my favourite seasons...
there's nothing like the days getting slowly ever longer, the mornings slightly less crisp, brilliant sunshine streaming through my east facing bedroom window, and just generally, things start to seem easier...maybe it's because nature is at it's most beautiful in spring, or maybe because everyone is starting to shed the layers they put on over winter, to reveal who they really are, or maybe it's just me? anyway, i love spring...
i love the sense of new beginnings, of fresh starts...i long for the beginning of daylight savings when the days start to get longer, the sun shines into the evening, the morning sun makes it's appearance a wee bit earlier every day, when coming home from work no longer takes place in the dark....and this year, more than any other year in recent memory, a new beginning is definitely what i need....
and you know it hasn't been the best few months for me, so it's with absolute delight that i can report that i have had 2 consecutive days of feeling happy....hmmm, really hope this is here to stay and that the old Sarah is making a come back...
it feels like i've been hibernating for months, trying to get over the hurt of what happened with FC, attempting to move on even though i am confronted with him almost every day and i'm pretty sure the last 5 weeks can be described as rock bottom...and sure i've gone through a break up before, sure the hopes and dreams i had with someone have been dashed, but it has never seemed quite so difficult...
not sure if that's because he was/is at work, or if it's because during this time i also had some doubts about work or because literally, i've just had to deal with more than my share of grief in last few years and it finally caught up with me? or maybe it's because i had i think, my first real existential crisis - didn't feel that good i can tell you!
so monday i went to gp, after less than 5 minutes she offered me anti depressants and by the time i left i was so angry with her i think i had made up my mind not to even consider taking them...and then rest of day was pretty ordinary, then something shifted on monday evening - perhaps the chat with Bec, my crystal healer (and fellow light worker - this is how she likes to refer to me...sweet), or maybe my time of intense grieving simply passed and all i had to do was sit with it whilst it was happening...not fight it, not resist it but sit with it, feel it and try my best to keep going...
and i did! and so as i type this, i feel not only pleased i've had 2 consecutive good days but i feel very proud of myself for just sitting with it...and in all that time i only had 1 day off work....sure i became a wee bit reclusive, but no more!
so, had a very interesting few nights chatting with FC - i reckon he's not doing as well as i am now, he is finally showing a bit of compassion, and i've finally told him i'm not waiting for him...sure, i haven't given up hope, but i am categorically not waiting for him...i'd like him to be ready and to come back, but in the meantime i'm going to get back into my life, do the things i love, spend time with my friends and family, have weekends away, prepare for my trip, flirt with a man at work who makes me feel good (but it will stay at the flirting stage and move NO further - not going down that path again, although he has suggested he might 'drop into nyc' whilst i'm there - interesting!), exercise, eat well, get back into writing that novel which is only 18,000 words shy of being finished and generally just not wait for him...and i haven't been doing that consciously, but i think on some sub conscious level perhaps i was...
and in a move that took even me by surprise i made a phone call today that i probably should have made ages ago...let's see where that takes me!
so peeps, if you've been struggling or have been having a difficult time, please know that plenty of people care about you, that support and help is there if you look for it and my hope is that you feel better really really soon...
nite xx
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