seems i have less to (20 July 2013)

blog about these days, but truth be told, I still miss the 'readers' I had when the blog wasn't private - I miss the feedback, the wondering how many people had viewed etc...on the other hand, knowing it's private allows for (or does it) an entirely different level of disclosure...certainly, there's absolutely no fear of who might say what or who might stumble across it, but still...

so, it's been a month! a whole month since I blogged, and mostly that's probably a combination of being incredibly busy (with work and life and of course, the continuing changes in my home)...but also, I've frankly had less inclination to need to vent...

and that is good! funny as this time last month I was still treading softly softly with the new situation re FC - meaning, at that time I was virtually having NO communication with him at all...

seems, as we invariably do, that we've drifted back into communicating outside of work but weekends, thankfully, seem sacred...that might be because when he did text me one Sunday evening abut a work matter I was very quick to suggest that he didn't interrupt my weekend!

it's hard to imagine how I was this time last year - hurting and confused and frankly, very lost, and probably actually depressed....I see it so much more clearly now - a bit of time and distance has really healed that wound, although today, surprisingly, I found myself consumed with thoughts of him for much more than has been the norm of late...

funny too that I didn't judge it or beat myself up, I simply allowed myself to notice it...funny how when I do that, rather than judge or admonish myself, it leaves my thinking almost as quickly as it arrives! hmmm

feeling a wee bit

lonely this afternoon - or is it something else? I'm wondering actually if a lot of my mood of late is work related? I mean, it's not like I want to be there anymore, not like I have a boss who's supportive....nope she lies to cover herself, is basically a bully in disguise, undermines her direct reports constantly (this doesn't just happen to me) and is something of a nightmare to work for...

so next month marks my 4 year anniversary of working for her, 9 months as a consultant, then 3 years plus as an employee, and I've had enough...

so I was feeling good after a couple of very positive meetings during the week, then I find out that there is some sensitivity and I'm possibly off limits to the search firm I've been building a relationship with for months - because, and wait for this, we are using them for our CFO search - seriously? I've been building a relationship with them for way longer than we as a company have been working with them - and the consultant didn't bother to tell me this might be an issue - guess she's just like the others and only interested in the $275k fee!

are none of them decent human beings?

so, I'm a bit flat - i'll be ok, of course i'll be ok, but I'm feeling a bit trapped, a bit stuck and a bit lost - as evidenced by Saturday morning's dreams...lost wallet, then found it but when I went into bank to cancel credit cards, couldn't get anyones attention (feeling unheard perhaps?), and then I find myself in a shopping centre, not able to find the exit to the car-park (this is at least the 3rd time I've had this dream)...

I love how dreams are such a reflection of what's going on for us....the mind really is an amazing thing...

ok, well now need to focus on doing some non blog writing!

nite x

craptastic....

yep, that's how I would describe the last coupla days

so let's see - I'm still sick and tonight seem to have developed either a bad case of hay-fever (hardly likely, is middle of winter) or a bad head cold, had very bad headache (borderline migraine) yesterday, I really don't like my boss anymore and am finding it less than motivating, which means getting out of bed and dragging myself there ain't much fun, she lies, I've mentioned that before right? yep, today she did it in a Board meeting to cover her arse and dump me in it - please! she's seriously contemplating giving the 2nd most important job in the company to someone who have wait for it 9 years of job experience - fucking seriously! and then there's the fact that on Sunday night, after over 2 years of uncertainty, I cut off personal ties with FC...

so you could say that in all, it's been a craptastic week which is perhaps why I feel so flat...:-(

thank goodness I had writing class tonight which has provided something of a spark, so that a glimmer of my former self (coupled with my sense of humour) has managed to emerge...

I don't know how I'm going to get through the time between now and when I resign - and of course that's dependent on a number of things...not the least of which is finding a new job, or getting to Sept 2015 and having enough $ stashed away that I would be willing to take a risk and leave without a job to go to (not my preferred option)...

one other positive is the E3 visa - so if I get a job offer in NYC, it's almost a certainty that I'd get a visa - spoke to an immigration lawyer today :-)

so for now, I've got to keep my head down, get to my holiday, then it's only 3 months and 5 days to bonus payday, and by then, perhaps a new opportunity will have emerged...

I don't like feeling trapped, which is how I'm starting to feel, so maybe need to do a bit of reframing...

talking to Leah a bit more after a nice dinner Sat night - not 100% sure how I feel about that and conscious of not just slipping back into it because I've moved away from Nick...

so, on that note, tea and book for me

ciao peeps x

i feel strangely ok...

so today marks the first time I have ever managed to put my needs above FC's...

it's been over 2 years since we started dating, 2 years and 2 months since he broke my heart, then another year or so until I really was ok to just be his friend, in fact longer, as it was just about this time last year that we were talking heaps, I was what I thought was friends, but then he tells me he's having a 40th and doesn't invite me...

so we didn't talk for a while, then he found his way back in again, then we don't talk, then we do - it's a pattern, it's no longer interesting, in fact it's boring and at times, hurtful...

so today, after the blip of the last few weeks, where we were close, talking every day, even on weekends, he does his radio silence bullshit...for the last time

so tonight, when I see his name pop up on my phone, initially I just gauge my reaction...the reaction wasn't good - I felt sick and stressed (surely that's sign enough)

so I responded to his message which was about a tv show dvd I loaned him, and told him we needed to talk...I told him it was about how I was feeling and the fact that given how upset I was Wed night when I called him, I was surprised he hadn't checked in on me...

his response 'I seem to constantly let you down' or something like that

yes, that's true!

in the time we have had a relationship, he has let me down so many times I can't even begin to remember...

I've let me down too, by continuing to expect that I could rely on him, that it would be ok to have expectations of him (reasonable ones, you know the sorts of expectations you might have of any friend), but no

with Nick it's always been different...I suspect he doesn't like feeling obliged, doesn't want anyone to have expectations of him, and I'm just someone who does

as I said to him, when you speak to someone every day for a few months, you begin to expect that, or at least, as a minimum, rely on the fact that that person will be there when you need them...

or am I truly unreasonable? I don't think I am

so I told him - I told him I could no longer do it, that his behaviour was hurtful to me and I could no longer put myself in a situation where I might get disappointed or hurt again...I also made it clear that I did not want anything other than friendship from him as the awful thing about me calling Wed night was that I told him I wanted to talk but was afraid I'd cry (horror day at work) and I think he may have thought that I was still hung up on him

on the contrary - he is not someone who is really the sort of person I want for a friend, since he can't even do that, so the thought of an intimate relationship with him leaves me cold...and sure, I did want that a while back - it's true, I did...

but I've done a lot of work since then, and I no longer do...

I think there's a small part of me that believes he's kept me on side because it suits him - from a work perspective - may have suited him more as we seek to find him a new boss, but I'm no longer playing that little game with him

I'm no longer going to put myself in a situation with him where he can be inconsistent, unreliable, cold, rude, hurtful or just plain childish...

I am done with you FC...

for now at least, I feel strangely free....:-)

Robin Williams died today :-(

words can't begin to express how saddened I was to read of Mr Williams' death, likely cause suicide...when are we going to get better at this? really? talking about it, looking out for each other and treating it like a real disease/issue and not some social stigma that people are still embarrassed to talk about...?

when are we?

so Mr Williams, I'm sorry we didn't get to that point by now....I'm sorry that you felt there was no other way...

the world has lost an amazing artist
3 young adults have lost their Dad
1 woman has lost her husband
countless people have lost a friend
the world has lost Mr Robin Williams :-(

who will ever forget him or his movies? he brought so much to so many...

so, I just want to say thank you - Good Will Hunting is truly one of the best movies ever made and that scene where he hugs Matt Damon who's finally opened up and says 'it's not your fault' makes me cry every time I think of it....when I watched this movie for the first time in 1997 I didn't know or understand why it resonated with me so much...

only years, and many hours of therapy later, did I realise why it touched me so...

beautiful movie, powerful stuff, and each time I watch it, makes me glad I became a therapist! and maybe that's a part of my future....my most meaningful work was as a therapist...

vale Robin Williams, you will be missed :-(

16 days shy of 3 months....

that's when I last posted, and honestly, so much has happened in that time....and still, I've resisted posting! and truth is at times I couldn't be bothered, other times I was too tired, other times too emotional and mostly I think I've been avoiding it...

see, the process of posting for me is usually (not always) a way for me to deal with what's going on I my world, and it helps me to make sense of it all, in my own way...

guess truth is, it's been a very challenging few months, on multiple levels, and I've been a bit unsure of how I would react emotionally to posting about it...

so here goes! in no particular order what's been happening is this:

 - friendship with someone who for the last 3-4 years I considered one of my best friends has deteriorated...since late last year it's changed, she's pulled away, had a breakdown (actually, not me being dramatic), resisted my offers to catch up so eventually I gave up, then when she's feeling better, she wants to catch up - I was tentative, afraid of being hurt and had gotten used to not having her in my life, so instead of just saying 'sure' like I've done before, I stopped to think about whether I wanted her in my life...realised I probably didn't, despite how occasionally lonely it's been - but having dealt with loneliness in my relationship with Ben, as well as mental illness, I knew that wasn't a good enough reason to just do what she was asking - there needed to be something in it for me, and honestly, before the day her husband conceived of bullying me into talking to her (another story!), I was feeling happy and positive and for the first time in ages good! unsure if Nick was any part of that (yet another story - see, too much happens in 3 months!)....

 - during that time Nick seemed to edge his way back in and we'd gotten to what I thought was a nice happy place - me not wanting anything other than friendship (has taken me best part of 2 years to get there) and then him getting too close (I think - he hasn't said as much, as if he would) and pulling away resulting in me being hurt actually....so now I'm trying to make no contact as frankly, I'm sick of the pattern with him, I told him I wanted nothing from him except constancy - he can't even do that, so really, no point in even trying to pretend we are friends....he probably has no idea how dysfunctional he can be, but I no longer want a part of it...

 - the Sunday that said friends husband decided to intimidate and bully me and try to lay a guilt trip on me - claiming the 'fallout' for him and their 6 year old child was my fault (really - he's been nothing short of a fuckwit to her for most of our friendship, but now I'm not there to play the role he should have been playing all along, and because she pushed me away, I'm to blame...)...seriously, get a life! well I stood up for myself like I never have before and I found myself angrier than I have ever felt...forced me into a conversation with her (needed it to stop as I was seriously afraid - also he's a cop - did I mention that? so even more threatening...) that I wasn't ready to have, and for me, I think that was the death-knell....if our friendship had any hope, after that, I think it killed it...and don't get me wrong, decisions like this aren't quick and aren't without pain for me, but honestly my life was simpler and happier for those few months without her in it...that says a lot really :-(

 - then there's work - fuck, work! I am beyond over that place...have done my 3 years now, and ever since 18 July (my 3 year anniversary) I can honestly say that I have had itchy feet! in my head when I started I committed to 3 years, now that has come and gone, I have spent so much time wondering what if...of course, the health scare of May, has contributed to that, in a good way I think, although I feel very unsettled right now...

 - my other 2 best friends are also doing it tough, one suffering from situational depression (altho sounded a bit better today thankfully) and the other going thru a marriage breakdown...so add to that the loss of above friendship, Nick's continuing inconsistency which I do find hurtful (there, I've said it), the resignation and departure of a former team member who I miss (although a small part of me is still annoyed that she crossed the line when providing feedback to me - i'll eventually get over it!), I've been mainly doing things on my own for months...

and that's not sooo bad! I'm pretty resilient, I've learned to look after myself better, I've learned to be on my own side, to consider my needs and to listen to what's important to me....but still, I'm a wee bit lonely.  guess if I had a partner all of this stuff wouldn't have been so challenging? maybe, maybe not....

so, that's been the last 3 months, well the 20,000 foot version....I've had some good days, I've had some crap days, I've not been well, and since the intimidation from the husband, I've had hives/associated stress rash which has not gone away yet! thanks....

so, what have I learned:
 - I'm resilient
 - i'd rather have no contact with Nick than the flip flopping bullshit he does
 - I want a new job and I'm actively looking for my next opportunity
 - if that doesn't eventuate by June 2015, I might just resign and go to NYC...
 - less than 3 months to my holiday (can't wait)...
 - it's good to have a project to focus the mind and I'm enjoying the novel writing program I'm doing - have had some great feedback, now just need to make some structural changes and incorporate the feedback, oh and write a climax! no pressure...

anyway, I'm tired, so at least some of the last 3 months is documented....

nite x