so, today is Australia Day and as I type this I realise it's 5 years ago today that I decided to call things quits with Ben...one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, but certainly the right one, and his recent attempts to get in touch have re-affirmed that....loved him, don't regret our time together, but do regret that I let his needs drown mine out and that I lost 'Sarah' in the time we were together...you live, and you learn though right!
so it's been a mixed bag this weekend - crap day at work Friday (just felt emotional and drained and scared, yes scared, I really am going to have to talk about that!)......FC very nice Friday night - checked in to see how I was and we spoke for nearly 2 hours...a couple of random texts Sat night, but now of course, nothing for 2 days, and admittedly, I haven't contacted him, but still...
had a bit of a realisation when talking to Sara about him as she remembers how much he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone from work, and of course, I am, for now at least, still at the same workplace as him....but not for much longer, and I wonder if that will change anything at all between us?
I'm trying not to catastrophise re the work situation - she won't lob in a bullying claim (as there simply isn't any truth to it), but am now thinking she could lob in a constructive dismissal claim if she ends up resigning but anyway, I'm trying not to think about what could be, instead focussing on what's happening now...
fear is the driver here though - what if I don't get my bonus, what if she tells my boss I call the new CFO CC, what if I lose my job etc etc...
basically, a shithouse place to be.....
hence, it's a mixed bag!
books
books
Monday, January 26, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
it's been a tough
week at work and a week where I have realised why so many managers don't pursue formal performance management with under performing staff....
so since I returned to work in early December, there have been constant issues and many many instances of underperformance by my PA
on 18 Dec, I sat her down to take her through a few of my concerns - we spent a good deal of time talking about how she was, as I had sensed she wasn't happy - I asked her if she was ok, but I get the usual answer - tears and some other excuse...so I went through the concerns I had and she did her usual thing, more tears, takes a few notes, and then I ask what I can do to support her...nothing! this has been ongoing for months - she never provides any useful feedback when I ask this question....
so then on mon 12 jan, I let her know that on 14 jan we'll be having a formal meeting to discuss the concerns I have with her performance - she says to me 'shall I just quit now' - I have to tell you it took all my willpower not to just say 'sure, do that, would be easier for both of us'...but of course, I didn't - instead I said that the meeting would be for me to put my concerns to her, for her to have an opportunity to respond etc....
but this is one of the issues - she is beyond dense and rarely, if ever, joins the dots! having worked in HR for nearly a year you would think she'd heard enough about these meetings and how we do them, to know she'd get a right of reply...
but instead, she cried, got a bit personal (having been rude to me on both Tues and Wed), and then took Thursday and Friday off saying she was suffering work related stress - seriously!
and I sense, although I could be wrong, and universe, please please please work with me here, that she's going to lob in a bullying claim which means I have to go through the indignity of another fucking investigation for something I haven't done.....
funny that she's never raised any concerns until such time as she's on notice that she isn't performing! fucking typical....I always ask how she is in our meetings, and always ask what I can do to support her - she's never been honest with me, and now we are here....
and it's potentially my reputation on the line in an environment where I question the support I would get from my boss, although my team have been great....
but I can tell you - it makes me a) never want to do performance management again b) have more empathy for managers c) makes me want to leave there more than I already did before and d) get a job which has no people reporting into it! it's just too fucking hard and all the cards are stacked in the employees favour....
so, this could well be the evening of my HR career, and mainly coz, I'm just no longer enjoying it....
bit of spread sheet work will help me see when the end is in sight! right now I'm planning to 'pull the pin' on 7 April.....
we'll see!
so since I returned to work in early December, there have been constant issues and many many instances of underperformance by my PA
on 18 Dec, I sat her down to take her through a few of my concerns - we spent a good deal of time talking about how she was, as I had sensed she wasn't happy - I asked her if she was ok, but I get the usual answer - tears and some other excuse...so I went through the concerns I had and she did her usual thing, more tears, takes a few notes, and then I ask what I can do to support her...nothing! this has been ongoing for months - she never provides any useful feedback when I ask this question....
so then on mon 12 jan, I let her know that on 14 jan we'll be having a formal meeting to discuss the concerns I have with her performance - she says to me 'shall I just quit now' - I have to tell you it took all my willpower not to just say 'sure, do that, would be easier for both of us'...but of course, I didn't - instead I said that the meeting would be for me to put my concerns to her, for her to have an opportunity to respond etc....
but this is one of the issues - she is beyond dense and rarely, if ever, joins the dots! having worked in HR for nearly a year you would think she'd heard enough about these meetings and how we do them, to know she'd get a right of reply...
but instead, she cried, got a bit personal (having been rude to me on both Tues and Wed), and then took Thursday and Friday off saying she was suffering work related stress - seriously!
and I sense, although I could be wrong, and universe, please please please work with me here, that she's going to lob in a bullying claim which means I have to go through the indignity of another fucking investigation for something I haven't done.....
funny that she's never raised any concerns until such time as she's on notice that she isn't performing! fucking typical....I always ask how she is in our meetings, and always ask what I can do to support her - she's never been honest with me, and now we are here....
and it's potentially my reputation on the line in an environment where I question the support I would get from my boss, although my team have been great....
but I can tell you - it makes me a) never want to do performance management again b) have more empathy for managers c) makes me want to leave there more than I already did before and d) get a job which has no people reporting into it! it's just too fucking hard and all the cards are stacked in the employees favour....
so, this could well be the evening of my HR career, and mainly coz, I'm just no longer enjoying it....
bit of spread sheet work will help me see when the end is in sight! right now I'm planning to 'pull the pin' on 7 April.....
we'll see!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
dinner with FC....
didn't think I'd be writing a post about that, let alone doing it...
wonders will never happen!
around 5pm he started texting me today and we got into a discussion I didn't think we needed to have again (something work related which I've already apologised for) so I tell him a) I thought we weren't rehashing it and b) wasn't doing by text
he said couldn't call so I just let it go (or tried, if I'm being perfectly honest)....
then I get a text asking me if I'd like to go there for dinner - he hasn't cooked for me before (he has actually), even though it might be weird of him to ask me.....
bizarre! of course he was cooking risotto, which was 'our' thing to cook when we were together....
so, I went! I hadn't worked out what to do for dinner, had been on couch most of day and figured if we were going to rehash the issue, better face to face...
he's always a bit awkward when i'm there (or maybe i'm awkward? - nope, it was him) which I find kind of endearing....the risotto was actually nice (although not a patch on mine, but still, very nice and lovely that someone else cooked for me), and we spent an easy 3 hours together...
funny when you go with no expectations, how much nicer things are...!
anyway, nothing really, just wanted to note it...
nite x
wonders will never happen!
around 5pm he started texting me today and we got into a discussion I didn't think we needed to have again (something work related which I've already apologised for) so I tell him a) I thought we weren't rehashing it and b) wasn't doing by text
he said couldn't call so I just let it go (or tried, if I'm being perfectly honest)....
then I get a text asking me if I'd like to go there for dinner - he hasn't cooked for me before (he has actually), even though it might be weird of him to ask me.....
bizarre! of course he was cooking risotto, which was 'our' thing to cook when we were together....
so, I went! I hadn't worked out what to do for dinner, had been on couch most of day and figured if we were going to rehash the issue, better face to face...
he's always a bit awkward when i'm there (or maybe i'm awkward? - nope, it was him) which I find kind of endearing....the risotto was actually nice (although not a patch on mine, but still, very nice and lovely that someone else cooked for me), and we spent an easy 3 hours together...
funny when you go with no expectations, how much nicer things are...!
anyway, nothing really, just wanted to note it...
nite x
Friday, January 9, 2015
on the eve of my 46th birthday....
yep, 46! can you believe it? i can't....
on the eve of my 46th birthday and the start of my 47th year, I feel pretty good (bar the hideous itchy arms that is)...
the lead up to Christmas, new year and then my birthday is, and this year hasn't been any different, a time of reflection and often sadness for me as I approach yet another 'holiday season' single and wondering how that can be...
and so whilst I had a lovely xmas (Mum and Dad came to mine for the first time), a great Boxing Day with family/friends and of course some cricket, a nice NYE with Sara and her parents, the days in between were pretty bleak...
the decision to trust someone at work who then tried to get between FC and I created a lot of unnecessary stress for me (now resolved) and I think started the spiral...
altho admittedly, I had been flat for a few days in the lead up to that....
but as I approach the big birthday tomorrow, and a lovely lunch with some of my girlfriends to look forward to, I feel good
content, but determined to change some things, grateful for so much and for so many lovely people in my life, and even though I desperately want a new job, I'm thankful I have a well paying job that mostly I enjoy, and which allows me to live the life I want to live...
I'm grateful for my sister - following our chat last night where I blubbed, I actually feel much better! and I realised that sometimes the best way to deal with whatever is troubling us is to have someone witness it, share it....
so as I turn in on my final night of being 45, sure life ain't exactly where I may have hoped it would be, but it's still pretty good...
ps things with FC and I are always going to be more than friends but less than something special, but one thing I really like about him is that he doesn't hold a grudge - he deals with it and moves on and I think I could learn that from him!
on the eve of my 46th birthday and the start of my 47th year, I feel pretty good (bar the hideous itchy arms that is)...
the lead up to Christmas, new year and then my birthday is, and this year hasn't been any different, a time of reflection and often sadness for me as I approach yet another 'holiday season' single and wondering how that can be...
and so whilst I had a lovely xmas (Mum and Dad came to mine for the first time), a great Boxing Day with family/friends and of course some cricket, a nice NYE with Sara and her parents, the days in between were pretty bleak...
the decision to trust someone at work who then tried to get between FC and I created a lot of unnecessary stress for me (now resolved) and I think started the spiral...
altho admittedly, I had been flat for a few days in the lead up to that....
but as I approach the big birthday tomorrow, and a lovely lunch with some of my girlfriends to look forward to, I feel good
content, but determined to change some things, grateful for so much and for so many lovely people in my life, and even though I desperately want a new job, I'm thankful I have a well paying job that mostly I enjoy, and which allows me to live the life I want to live...
I'm grateful for my sister - following our chat last night where I blubbed, I actually feel much better! and I realised that sometimes the best way to deal with whatever is troubling us is to have someone witness it, share it....
so as I turn in on my final night of being 45, sure life ain't exactly where I may have hoped it would be, but it's still pretty good...
ps things with FC and I are always going to be more than friends but less than something special, but one thing I really like about him is that he doesn't hold a grudge - he deals with it and moves on and I think I could learn that from him!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
the year that was to follow, but today
all I am is sad, disappointed, lonely, and pretty annoyed with myself...
see, a couple of months ago, after FC had let me down one too many times, I told him I didn't want any out of work contact - something I probably should have done years ago, but the fear of what that would actually mean (which I think in reality, is nothing) stopped me...
so when I eventually did it, I actually think it was a relief, and for a period of time until a ridiculous accusation was made about me at work, I enjoyed no contact...
I enjoyed no rollercoaster - and really, any sort of relationship with FC is a rollercoaster, for me...
and yes, I should know better - we've been down this road before, so many times, you'd think someone as smart as me would know to stay away, to know that my expectations of him as a friend will never be met, and that eventually, he'll disappoint me or worse, hurt my feelings...
and yep, here we are again....
I no longer want my mood to be impacted by how I respond to him or his behaviour and I am not blaming him - on the contrary, I know I'm responsible for letting him back in, and for how I let it impact me...
but still....
I wonder when enough will be enough - I thought I'd cracked it last year (yes, now it's new years day, it was last year)....
seems it's a slippery slope and as we work together, meaning, we see each other a lot, I seemingly just can't find the balance which helps me....
so in the latest drama (and it is a drama - and it's boring and I'm over it) he's got his knickers in a knot coz I've done my job - bottom line is, he knows where his shortcomings are (in a professional sense), won't do anything about them, and now that it's an issue (it is - how on earth can we attract the right person to do the role in his team when he is the manager - with little or no managerial capability, absolutely no capacity to inspire/motivate people, and none of the skills which we want in this person) I'm sure he's pissed off I'm not 100% in his corner...
and I'm annoyed because I've been in his corner for years, and as a friend and the head of my function, have gently tried to support and encourage him...but no, he's done nothing...
so his knickers are in a knot, I send a lovely NY text wishing him a happy new year and thanking him for his support in 2014 and nothing - not even an acknowledgement or reply
it's rude - he's rude (and I've known this for ever!)....so why the hell do I continue to expect that he's going to change and turn into a decent person
what I also realised today as I've spent the entire day in my cocoon trying to make head and tails of it all is that really, he's only really there for me when there's something in it for him...he makes contact with me when he wants to whinge or tell me something - and sure I occasionally do that, but I find myself supporting him and propping him up, way more than he does for me in return! and yes, on those big occasions, he's been there for me, but mostly, it's me listening to him whinge, letting him have him melt downs and work through his paranoia
as I type this I'm angry! good, anger is good....
angry too that he's gotten under my skin again and angry that his incompetent and inexperienced new boss (whom we both dislike, and certainly don't trust) has done his best to get between us....
so, true I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt, and sure, some of my feeling will be nothing to do with FC but the fact that for yet another year I remain single with nothing on the horizon...and I'm a bit lonely, and feeling sorry for myself...and I'm worried about my Mum but don't seem to be able to find a nice/good way to bring it up with her...
so, I've spent the day watching one of my fave TV shows, in the hope of drowning out all the unhelpful and negative self talk - it's sort of worked, but not entirely...
so, on this 1st day of 2015, a year in which I have high hopes for myself, it has been a slow, and contemplative start....
posts to come are - 2014, the year in review and 2015, my goals for self...
so, it's not exactly a happy new year....
sigh!
see, a couple of months ago, after FC had let me down one too many times, I told him I didn't want any out of work contact - something I probably should have done years ago, but the fear of what that would actually mean (which I think in reality, is nothing) stopped me...
so when I eventually did it, I actually think it was a relief, and for a period of time until a ridiculous accusation was made about me at work, I enjoyed no contact...
I enjoyed no rollercoaster - and really, any sort of relationship with FC is a rollercoaster, for me...
and yes, I should know better - we've been down this road before, so many times, you'd think someone as smart as me would know to stay away, to know that my expectations of him as a friend will never be met, and that eventually, he'll disappoint me or worse, hurt my feelings...
and yep, here we are again....
I no longer want my mood to be impacted by how I respond to him or his behaviour and I am not blaming him - on the contrary, I know I'm responsible for letting him back in, and for how I let it impact me...
but still....
I wonder when enough will be enough - I thought I'd cracked it last year (yes, now it's new years day, it was last year)....
seems it's a slippery slope and as we work together, meaning, we see each other a lot, I seemingly just can't find the balance which helps me....
so in the latest drama (and it is a drama - and it's boring and I'm over it) he's got his knickers in a knot coz I've done my job - bottom line is, he knows where his shortcomings are (in a professional sense), won't do anything about them, and now that it's an issue (it is - how on earth can we attract the right person to do the role in his team when he is the manager - with little or no managerial capability, absolutely no capacity to inspire/motivate people, and none of the skills which we want in this person) I'm sure he's pissed off I'm not 100% in his corner...
and I'm annoyed because I've been in his corner for years, and as a friend and the head of my function, have gently tried to support and encourage him...but no, he's done nothing...
so his knickers are in a knot, I send a lovely NY text wishing him a happy new year and thanking him for his support in 2014 and nothing - not even an acknowledgement or reply
it's rude - he's rude (and I've known this for ever!)....so why the hell do I continue to expect that he's going to change and turn into a decent person
what I also realised today as I've spent the entire day in my cocoon trying to make head and tails of it all is that really, he's only really there for me when there's something in it for him...he makes contact with me when he wants to whinge or tell me something - and sure I occasionally do that, but I find myself supporting him and propping him up, way more than he does for me in return! and yes, on those big occasions, he's been there for me, but mostly, it's me listening to him whinge, letting him have him melt downs and work through his paranoia
as I type this I'm angry! good, anger is good....
angry too that he's gotten under my skin again and angry that his incompetent and inexperienced new boss (whom we both dislike, and certainly don't trust) has done his best to get between us....
so, true I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt, and sure, some of my feeling will be nothing to do with FC but the fact that for yet another year I remain single with nothing on the horizon...and I'm a bit lonely, and feeling sorry for myself...and I'm worried about my Mum but don't seem to be able to find a nice/good way to bring it up with her...
so, I've spent the day watching one of my fave TV shows, in the hope of drowning out all the unhelpful and negative self talk - it's sort of worked, but not entirely...
so, on this 1st day of 2015, a year in which I have high hopes for myself, it has been a slow, and contemplative start....
posts to come are - 2014, the year in review and 2015, my goals for self...
so, it's not exactly a happy new year....
sigh!
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