i gave in...

yep, it's true, i did! and i am not going to beat myself up about it....

so i managed to get through almost the entire day with no contact, but in the end i just simply wanted to talk to him...

and not doing so would be a game...he's sick, i wanted to know how he was, and i wanted to talk to him, so i sent him a text (yes, i know, i should really try and talk rather than text, but tonight's 'dialogue' was much clearer than the usual)...

in a turnaround, he responded immediately and we had a lengthy (read, over a couple of hours) conversation....he is still wondering what's going on in my head, doesn't know why i like him, doesn't think i'm superficial (i asked him)...and you know what, as i look back over the conversation i realise that instead of being afraid to ask what i wanted to ask or to talk about what i wanted to talk about, i didn't hold back - i asked what i wanted to know, i talked about what i wanted to talk about, unafraid of where it might lead or what he might think...and it felt good! i don't feel like we had any misunderstandings, or missed each other - go figure! there is a lesson right there....

yep, i'm done with the games we've been playing, well me anyway, and sure, he may have been playing some of his own, but seriously, the 43 year old me, the me he likes, she needs to turn up for these conversations, rather than the 13 year old girl who just needs someone to tell her they love her....fuck, no wonder him and i have missed each other some times...and i'm not taking all the responsibility, but seriously, i was probably sending out a whole lot of confusing and mixed messages....

and sure, i haven't yet told him (not all of it) what's going on in my head: how do you tell a man that initially you had no idea what you liked about him, other than the fact that he seemed to like you? nope, that's just not nice, and i don't mean it to be hurtful, but it's the truth...and then, the more time we spent together and the more mixed messages we gave each other, the more i became fixated on an outcome with him, but really, i didn't know him...and then, last sunday, in what i thought would be the last time we really spoke, he finally let me see him, and you know what? since then, i have found it incredibly difficult to get him out of my head...

considerate, kind, thoughtful, a sense of childishness (not a criticism - but as he said to me 'you've got to hold onto that to avoid become too serious'), and after that, i sensed that he started moving towards me...rather than me having to do all the work (of course, it helped that i made myself less available for a couple of days)....and i realised that his way of showing that he cares or likes is acts of service (Leah told me about the 5 love languages, and i just did the test, and one of my highest is acts of service too....go figure!), like his leaving a meeting to drop me at my car Monday.....

so once i've asked him if he thinks i'm superficial or if that's about him he tells me he doesn't think i'm superficial but doesn't get why i like him...yep, self esteem issues right there...should i be concerned? hmmmm i then ask him 'but you know why you like me right?' (seriously, the 13 year old Sarah would NEVER ask that, but it felt right and i want him to see the me that is comfortable in her own skin, despite how i might appear at times!)....

and you know what he says: yes - cos you are pretty, intelligent, challenging and probably look good naked

ah funny! actually i was speechless and could NOT wipe the smile off my face for at least 10 minutes...in fact, that's rubbish, i'm still smiling now....

probably look good naked! funny, there is NO response to that....

and he suggested i ditch work tomorrow....intriguing! of course, i can't really do that can i? might be a bit suss, high risk....so when i tell him i have meetings, he says 'meetings can always move'....anyway, i can't take whole day off, i may be able to move some things around so i can drop over after lunch, but the whole day, no way!

so, pretty, intelligent, challenging and probably look good naked...yep, definitely glad i gave in to my urge! the one to contact him that is, and not play a game...

hmmm now i have to find a way to articulate what i like about him, and i have struggled to do that, but i do like him....but he deserves to know, so i'm gonna work out how to be as succinct as he was - or maybe not as i a tend to ramble...!

and i just realised he said all of this sober....shit!

oh dear, i really need to go to bed - not sure how i'm going to sleep (although i'm exhausted).....

smiling x

seems the rational self talk

is not working as well as i'd like this morning (actually, it's now afternoon! that'll happen when you sleep til after 10am...oops!)

so instead i am throwing myself into domestic chores and watching my fave shows - what else is there to do? i so desperately need a day at home, on my own, with my thoughts and fears, to really sift through what's going on

funny, in the middle of the night when i woke in a cold sweat (no idea why, this happens a fair bit...) i realised that 'the fantasy is no longer working for me, no longer serving me' and that is so true: i guess my way of trying to integrate what happened with Chris, all those years ago, into who i am, i have relied (depended maybe) on fantasies, when it comes to men, and they are so so so counter productive! sure for the NF in me (you know, the dreamer, the one who hates conflict and wants everything to be harmonious) it seems like the natural thing to do (it is), but for the 43 year old me, these fantasies just take me away from myself and who i am...

they lead me down a garden path of expectation and projection, and ultimately disappointment, questioning of self and ultimately destruction which invariably leads to the worst kind of questioning about who i am, what i stand for...a sad, lonely and soul destroying spiral into a place that i just don't want to be in

yep, it's not good, so i'm now trying to work out how to eradicate (yep, this one is not going to work in an integrated sort of a way) this from my repertoire...

as i type this Adele's Turning Tables is playing and the line 'i won't let you close enough to hurt me'...and funny, in recent weeks/months as i have tried to sift through my feelings for FC, and Chris before him, and Ben in between, i have thought that perhaps i keep men at arms length so that they can't hurt me, but maybe, just maybe, it's not them hurting me but me not letting them close enough....maybe it's me leaving 'me' and moving towards them that actually hurts me? not them, but something i'm doing?

hmmm really need to give that some thought....

so it's gonna be an interesting day for me and one where i am determined to SIT IN this uncomfortable place - i don't like it i can tell you, but i think i need to be here...

so i'm going to sit in it, try and learn from it and see what comes from that...

happy Sunday xx

superficial?

so I'm wondering if he thinks I am superficial?

something he said thursday night has stuck in my mind....he told me that as girls aren't beating down his door he has concluded he's not hot, and I think he said that in context of trying to understand what i like about him...

so, it's left me wondering if he thinks that I would only like him if I thought he was hot or if he thinks it is how he decides whether he likes someone...

or of course he could just be fishing?

either way, i'm not sure it's good...?

right?

either he thinks i'm superficial enough to only like him if i think he's 'hot', whatever that may mean to him, or his criteria for liking someone is if they are hot?

confused, yep, confused and now wondering if he's ever going to follow up his 'genuinely wonder' comment?

aarrgghh!

ps i am not superficial (sure, i like shoes, in that way i am) but when it comes to people, and in particular men, being 'hot' is not what i tend to look for! intelligent, interesting, caring, compassionate, love of learning, happy, funny etc, yep, they are things i look for - hot is simply a plus!  just goes to show how LITTLE we know about each other!

disappointed...

is the only word i can conjure up which i think covers how i am feeling tonight...

fuck, and the day started so VERY well! i went to bed last night feeling confused but contented, and determined not to 'move towards'....but as today wore on, and i got tireder (and bored, yes a little bit bored during my fiction workshop), i started to think 'why hasn't he made contact?' etc etc and all the old negative thoughts started to make their way to the surface...

thankfully i went to Leah's but she even said that not checking in on him was a game - coz of course, if we are friends, and i know he's sick, i would check in...and she's right, so i then became really confused - seems my black and white thinking (can't contact him, shouldn't contact him v's would like to know how he is) had me in a tangle....

and now, right now, i feel as though i have given away some power (of course, i doubt i really have) but suddenly i feel disappointed, disappointed that when i did check in to see how he was feeling, he didn't bring up the 'conversation' we aren't having by text....

sure, he responded, and immediately (i wasn't expecting that), but i feel as though there are still some loose ends from the other night's 'surprising' conversation....

of course he's not feeling that well, he was out with a mate, but still...

so you know what? i think the lesson here is the expectations, and i have way too many! means i often feel disappointed, worse, i often question my own behaviours, and ultimately myself, but maybe just maybe, this is the universal lesson with FC?

i so want to be myself, one of the reasons we have 'missed each other' in our communications (i think) is that i haven't been myself (well, of course, i'm not taking all the responsibility for that, i don't think, at times, that he has made me feel comfortable to do so) and i now want to be...

hence the dilemma of not wanting to play games with him, and sure, me being a bit less available during the week, did get a result, and whilst i didn't see it as playing a game so much as trying out a new behaviour for me, still, it wasn't easy....

and so, i find myself back in an uneasy place, one where there is lots of discomfort - and maybe i should embrace this? i know i know, insane...but the best learnings and the greatest lessons don't come in times without challenge...do they?

nope, for me, they always come out of a struggle, and struggle is where i am at right now....

so he 'genuinely wonders' what's going on for me, and likewise, i am genuinely wondering what is going on for me too, and him if i'm honest, but i am trying to stay right here, with Sarah, 43 year old gorgeous, smart, intelligent, funny, wise, insightful, intuitive Sarah....yes, if i stay here, and tend to her, rather than moving towards him, perhaps it will all become clearer....

hope so!

nite folks x

cool, calm and collected....

and sure, those of you that know me, know that this is a somewhat RARE state of being when men are involved...

but honestly, that's kind of how i feel right now....

his reaching out to me, and even showing concern for me last night, seems to have made it clear that he likes me, and sure, he's obviously confused/conflicted about what he wants - why else would i be getting mixed messages - but still...it's something of an affirmation

i am no longer left wondering if he likes me? seems he is now trying to work out why i like him...really? whereas for me, if he likes me, it's pretty obvious why - well at least i think so, and this is not me being arrogant or up myself but i am a good catch, on many levels...

so his texts of last night, even though i told him i wouldn't discuss it with him via text, leave me wondering if he thinks he's not good enough for me, or if he genuinely can't work out why i like him...either way, they are not good signs right?

as one of my bff's reminded me tonight: i deserve someone who despite the timing, if he likes me and wants to be with me, would take the risk, and FC just doesn't seem like he will do that, and sure there is a LOT at stake (not the least of which is our work situation, which is of concern to me too)...

but then again, i think i am willing to take that risk, in fact, i'm pretty sure i've told him that...and it's very risky, but a small part of me (and perhaps this is part of the lesson, the universal learning as it were) believes there could be something there...but the question is: is that small part of me the 13 year old girl who thinks if someone finally loves her, chooses her, then it will make everything that happened with Chris ok?

or is it the 43 year old me who would really love to meet someone and settle down...did i really just say that? yeah i did, coz it's true...

or is it simply that he showed an interest in me, commenced flirting with me, and i did what i always do? which is to reciprocate, no matter how i feel, and then find myself convinced i like them, some times, more than i really do?

so, there is a LOT for me to think about re FC...and truth is, until Sunday, i thought i liked him, there was an attraction there, a chemistry, but Sunday changed things: i got to see more of him and i liked that, i liked how we were together, i liked how comfortable it was (of course, as he got drunker he got more comfortable - i don't necessarily think that is good!), i like that he was kind and considerate and seemed to open up a bit to me, i like even more than this continued into Monday and when he hadn't heard from me by Thursday (other than on work stuff) he asked me how my week was....

funny really, when i had my meltdown over easter, and last week i wasn't really sure what it was i liked about him other than 'i fancied him', but now, it seems as though there MAY be more to him than meets the eye...

but honestly, i am confused...he says he wants to be friends but i think that's rubbish...friends don't kiss each other goodbye on the mouth, they don't (when drunk or otherwise) say to someone that 'let's run away to new york together, that would be fun', they don't send a text message to say 'you could've stayed' when a friend leaves to go home, and they don't question why you like them....

so yeah, i'm confused, but also calm, cool (nah, probably not) and collected (well, maybe that's a relative term and compared to Easter or last weekend when I had a complete meltdown) kinda...

so, what next? wondering what my universal lesson is - sure, making myself unavailable has meant he sought me out, but what next?

• will there be a 'conversation' about his texts of the other night? 
• will his 'genuine interest' about what's going on in my head ever get an airing?
• will he ever share with me what is actually going on for him?
• and now, that i feel there has been some shift in power, am i going to decide i'm not that interested (and i cringe as i write this, but you know what? like the games men play, i have found myself wanting someone to be interested in me soo badly, but then, when they are, suddenly they don't seem as appealing - and i am not proud of this, nor is it, mostly, conscious...but hey, nothing good in kidding myself)?

soooo as i crawl into bed with my newly done hair (love it), and having watched Carlton go 4-1 for the 2012 season (close call tonight, but 4 points nonetheless) i will be much happier than this time last week, when we were in the midst of our acrimonious and vitriolic text session...something i hope never to repeat, with him or anyone else...

so, cool, calm and collected or more like confused and yet strangely content, yeah, that's WAY more like it!

nite xx

it's official...

i simply do NOT get men! and this isn't even one of those posts where i am pulling my hair out, or hurt or upset, i simply do not understand how they think, what they do etc...

so i have tried so very hard not to make contact with FC on matters other than work ones...figuring that if he wants to be 'just friends' then i needed to pull back, not make myself so available etc...

so today, i have a function in town after work (great function, met some lovely lovely people) and i finally leave just before 8pm....i check my phone in vain hope there might be something from FC, and guess what? there is?

'has this week been better?'....i look at it, read it a coupla times and think to myself 'really?', is it possible i've gotten into his head and he 'cares' how i'm doing (i don't intend this to sound hurtful or even flippant - a big big part of me is sooo excited to hear from him and even more excited that he's starting to show up in a way i really like)

unsure what exactly to make of it (mainly because we sometimes miss each other and texts, as he has rightly pointed out, can be confusing) i ask 'what do you mean?'

so then he sends me back a nice message, telling me sunday was nice, last week i seemed distressed and i've been distant this week so he doesn't know where we stand (OMG, can you believe this? this from the man who goes radio silence on me, who tells me that 'i like to be off the radar on holidays etc'....)

in a complete turn up, i decide not to respond but to call - i'm tired, after all, it's been a long day, i'm still disappointed now that we are just friends, even though sunday night was by FAR the best time we've spent together, so not only disappointed but confused and finding myself liking him more....

we chat for 10 or so minutes and i actually ask him 'have i gotten into your head?' and he says 'of course you have'...then i have no idea what we chat about, probably work shit, but he asks me if i'm ok...i say i'm disappointed and trying to hold it together, not meaning to be distant etc....i'm sure i tell him that he said some stuff sunday he maybe shouldn't have that's left me feeling confused, he says something funny...

i get home and there's another text: what did i say that i shouldn't have?

seriously? where is the FC i know (or thought i knew), don't get me wrong, i'm loving this new version but fuck!

so i spend a bit of time contemplating my next response as i toss up between ignoring it coz i really do need some space and going back with actual examples...in the end i tell him (in a rambling sort of a way, as i do) that i'm confused, disappointed, had a lovely time sunday, have seen another side of him and that i'm finding it hard to do the friends thing which is what he wanted...

and then (seriously, even as i type this i wonder if someone else has taken over his phone this evening) he comes back with: 'i genuinely wonder what's going on with you.  you don't know me well enough to be hung up as you say you are and by the absence of girls beating a path to my door, i can conclude that i'm really not that hot, so what is really going on in your head?'

really? the same FC that i have been flirting with, kind of dating, work with...really, he said that?

has he listened to nothing i've said previously? did he not read my letter (he did, it's still on his computer, but did he get it? would he talk about it sunday before he got drunk - no)...OMG communication 101 is required here...

so thinking that i don't actually want to do this by text i reply with: Hot is highly subjective FC...I thought this might be the 'talk' we were going to have Sunday...I can't do this by text...as you say, can be misinterpreted!

his response: ok - not by text then...me: ok...him: ok - i'm not feeling well, so going to bed - tak tomorrow

and i wonder why i'm confused? i wonder why i don't get men? i wonder why things must be so bloody difficult...

this man CLEARLY likes me - if he's in the pub on a Thursday night and after 3 days of hardly talking he asks me if I'm ok (he has NEVER done this before), yep, i think i may finally have gotten through to him...

who knows what may come but honestly, i am confused...

yep, confused!

nite xx

ps also wondering

if i am getting sick? for the last few days i have felt nauseous and have cramps (no, i'm definitely not pregnant)....

not happy, hope it passes soon

that's all!

numb?

not sure i feel numb, but right now it seems there isn't another word that sums up how i am feeling....

i guess i really wanted to be true to myself today, to give myself a day (at least) away from him, to not give in to any thoughts i might have about 'moving towards' him, and i've done that (big big achievement despite how immaterial it may be to you, the reader!)....

i had a slow start to the day following a very late night...even though i went to bed early, i decided to do some delving into past posts (not here obviously) and it was well after midnight by the time i tried to sleep, and then of course, it didn't come easily...

so a disturbed night was had, including a dream about Ben and having a good conversation with him, meeting up with his Mum and Nana (weird), and a myriad other weird dreams, none of which i can remember...and eventually i woke up in a cold sweat (not remembering what had caused me to do so)....

i lazed around for a while and eventually the need to 'get moving' got me up...no sooner had i settled on the couch with tea and toast, Leah called and said she and Felix were on the way over, so i had a shower, got ready and we went to the zoo

great day for it (ANZAC Day: lest we forget, thanks to diggers current and fallen who fight for our beautiful country and for our freedom...I appreciate what you do for me) and we had a lovely time...

both of us feeling fragile and exhausted in different ways and it was nice to spend hours just hanging out, chatting, walking around Tahronga, and then back at mine drinking tea...

we haven't known each other 3 years yet but there are few friends i feel as comfortable around as Leah...our first meeting didn't give a sense of the bond we would eventually forge, but after a rocky start, things fell into place pretty quickly....seems some similarities in our past and a shared love of coaching/MBTI etc allowed us to spend more time together and develop a trust: frankly, this sort of trust i share with almost no-one else, including some of my close and long term friends...

we talked about her work, her desire to do more local work and much less travel, we talked about being lonely, both in and out of relationships, she let me talk about FC, she gave me her views on what's going on for him and when i asked her simply 'what should i do?, she said 'there is nothing you can do'...

and she is right.  nothing i do will either make him want to be with me or not, i'm pretty sure he needs to make up his mind on that...

so i've reflected a lot today on what i think he wants, and where i think he's at, and have gone over and over Sunday and all that was said, gestures, acts of service, and i am left, frankly, feeling more confused than ever...this man so obviously likes me, a lot, and yet, he maintains the timing is crap.  i respect that, honestly i do - having parted with Ben it took me so long to put myself back together, for the longest time i wasn't even ready to consider 'being' with somebody else, and maybe that's where FC finds himself right now....

so some key questions remain: how will i stay strong and not 'move towards' him in those times where i'm going out of my mind wondering 'what if?'....how will i not let myself sit in a holding pattern waiting for him? how will i manage not analyse things he says (especially those that he says drunk, if and when we do catch up again)?  at what point might i no longer find myself interested in him?  is it likely he could just as quickly stop liking me? (i'm not sure i really believe that - this man started following me on twitter in late Jan and things have continued to build since then, so seems unlikely he'll just wake up tomorrow and no longer like me)

so numb is probably a good description....the despair of the weekend has evaporated, a determination seems to have replaced what felt like desperation, his behaviour on Sunday, followed up by Monday (where I really felt 'top of mind') seems to have provided me with some personal power - i feel as though he has handed it back to me....

now the trick is to hold onto it! to do the things i love in my life, to spend time with people i love, to not sit around wondering if he's thinking about me, to not put my life on hold...

yep, plenty to do....but still, i hope that things might be different between us, if not now, then sometime...question is, just how long will i wait until 'sometime' no longer seems viable?

ok, back to Ringer for me!

nite x

ps can't get his drunken comments out of my head tonight

tired and a wee bit lost....

oh my god, when will this emotional roller coaster ride end?

truly, i have had one of the most difficult months in such a long time, and sure there has been some distraction, in the way of one FC, but actually, i think he may be a big part of the reason that i have found myself in this place...

and honestly, it's not good, and i don't necessarily attribute all of that to him, but he is a big part of the reason for all the flashbacks, the reviewing of patterns, the awareness around my actions etc...but mostly, what has happened is (and this is not good, well doesn't feel like it right now) that i have realised just how challenged i am at being vulnerable and creating intimacy....

and i thought i was doing so well?

fuck...

so i'm tired, yep, so very very tired tonight and thankful that tomorrow is a public holiday coz i so need a break...

from him, from my thoughts, from having to see him every time i step up from my desk, from going over and over all the things we've said to each other in the last few months, especially the things that were said friday in our awful row, and then sunday, in what has been our nicest time together yet, even though we are now 'friends'...

i'm so confused, and sad, and lonely and sick of always being the person who is there for everyone else, i'm sad that my parents came for a visit when i was in the midst of a serious existential crisis, i feel guilty that they didn't get the weekend they probably wanted, i'm sad that i have beaten myself up about it, i'm sad that i feel that having now been more of myself than they usually see, they too are going to find something wrong in that...

yep, tired is where i'm at, and sad.....not the sort of sad that i was at easter, but i'm sad....

and sure i'm disappointed about how things with FC have worked out, of course i am, coz i think i wanted so much more than to be friends...and now i feel as though i am going to have to experiment with a whole new set of behaviours to see if that will mean things end up how i'd like them to....

and of course, there's no guarantee that it will, so i wonder if it's worth the effort...and then the pragmatic me, the me that believes everything happens for a reason kicks in and reminds that perhaps this IS the reason he's turned up, that maybe i am supposed to try out this new stuff with him...i guess i have to trust that it's meant to be, meaning whatever ends up happening, that i can't predict now, is already written in the cards?

fuck, i really am confused, i'm even rambling in the blog...

and then on top of all that what i also realised is that, almost certainly he is a nicer person when drunk...and the romantic notion i currently have, and the things he said that have stayed with me (well, most of them) were all said when he was drunk...so am i to believe that is his real self? or not?

and then there's the mixed messages and how they feed my fantasy of where things will end up....

yep, tired and lost sums it up well...

so i think the only thing to do is take myself to bed, curl up and attempt a good night's sleep

nite x

acts of service

are his language....yep! so funny, after yesterday and the big conversation, seems he has made more of an effort, and i (amazingly) have tried really hard to pull back a bit...and not in a 'i don't like him' way, but in a 'he wants to be friends so i need to be careful' way....

and don't get me wrong, after yesterday, i like him more (shit, that wasn't supposed to happen)!

so first thing he does when he gets to work is email me to see if my lights are fixed....really? and before that, i get a text telling me he doesn't feel like going to work (can tell you, neither did i, but he'd drunk WAY more than me so i imagine he was feeling very very dusty!).....

seems i'm top of mind suddenly?

and i wonder why i feel like i will never come to understand men, or FC, in this instance...?

so then i thought i'd see how he'd react to a request to drop me at my car (which they managed to fix in one day...yay!) on his way home (you know, the sort of request a friend wouldn't hesitate to ask another friend)....'expect so' was his response, but i need to be out of there by 5.30pm sharp to make sure i get there in time, and as i pack up to leave i can see he's still in a meeting, so i leave (i don't want him to feel pressured by me hanging around, not that i would)....

he sees me leave, i see him looking at me, but he's with a bunch of other people so what am i to do? i'm just as happy to get a cab (oh yes, this friend thing is helping me have NO expectations! i like it so far) so i wander to the cab rank and am in a cab (having missed a text from him) when he calls....

so i get out of the cab, meet him at his car, and he drives me to pick up my car

we attempt chat but i'm knackered, he's clearly knackered....but then, he starts to tell me how much of a nightmare his next week is (in between the 2 phone calls i get whilst in the car): friend up from Melbourne, soccer, etc...funny, that sounds like someone who wants me to know what's going on his life....

so, it's gonna be interesting this 'being friends', especially when it is clearly blurred...eventually i guess i'll tell him that the flirting and other things that friends don't do, is not gonna wash if he actually wants to be friends...

of course, he doesn't, he wants more, but in his head it's not quite the right timing...so we'll see!

meantime, i like him MORE than ever!

you could've stayed...

this is the text I receive when I get home... finally I think the real FC is showing himself :) and sure, I could have stayed but I know that would blur things, for me

nice though....nite!

friends?

so after friday's awful text session, we still agree to catch up today (even though he repeatedly points out to me that it's not a date!)....so we can talk about what happened, get some closure and find a way to getting back to a good relationship at work...

so i was beside myself nervous, ended up being late and you know what? i actually had the nicest, and most comfortable time with him since day 1....we talked about heaps (eventually), we listened to music, watched tv, he made us dinner and it was nice...

bottom line is this - i doubted he liked me and that is just silly - he likes me
he doesn't want to be in a relationship and i am grateful now that rather than string me along he was honest with me
he said it would be a little different if we didn't work together
still he says 'timing's a bitch'...

so we actually said nice things to each other tonight, without all the pressure, in a moment of utter drunkenness (and i really need to NOT hang onto this) he said 'we could run away to new york together, that would be fun'...which of course would be...

he walked me to my car, checked out my busted lights, and kissed me good night (on the mouth...hmmm i'm certain this is NOT how friends say goodnight?)

yep, i was an idiot to think he didn't like me, but reality is, in his head, timing is all wrong for him and the work thing is an issue

soooo perhaps a new chapter in my 'journey', one of being friends, being in the moment and not having any expectations....and maybe, just maybe it's my lesson: to be friends with him before i decide he is worthy of being anything more

well today was a good start....

nite x

i'm not going to

beat  myself up by saying 'shouldn't have done it', but you know, it's very tempting...

so i sent FC my letter (by email) last night, and given his tendency to shut me out or drop out of a conversation, i had no expectations of an immediate response...

but no, seems i had gotten in his head, as when i woke up in the middle of the night he had sent me a text to say 'not ignoring' and something about needing to drink whilst reading...

actually, that may be one of the nicest things he's done...and that surely is a fucking massive great neon sign about the sort of person he is...or worse, the sort of person i have allowed myself to think i like....

nice is not a word that can be used to describe FC, and that's kinda sad - and i've made all sorts of excuses about 'maybe his version of nice' isn't my version of nice, but you know, he's just not got it in him...

and as i type this we've had a horrible text conversation, where yet again, he's been rude and dismissive with me, but no more...

and now it's over, there will be no catch up and i feel nothing but sad...

and sure i pushed the issue, because from the get go he has never given me anything - never said anything nice, never given me even an inkling as to how he's feeling, i don't know how it is i managed to convince myself there could be something there?

chemistry? fantasy? who knows but I feel miserable....and the old feelings of being a failure are very present right now...

meh..

ps should have posted this friday night (it's now sunday)

they say if you love

something, let it go...and let's be frank, it's not like i love FC, but i like him....

and i've just done something that has taken a lot of courage and quite possibly the best part of 43 years to muster up sufficient courage...

but now, it's over to the universe, or to him really?

however, i'm going to try and not obsess about his reaction/response, but stay in my power and space and be happy that i could articulate (very well, even if i do say so myself)...

so i'm going to try and let him go, and in doing so, perhaps it will be the start of a new chapter for me, or for me and him...

time will tell!

ttfn....x

past the point of no return now...

yep! and a part of me feels really empowered and another part of me, the little girl, she is terrified of being rejected...

but you know what? it's practice...

whatever happens, and of course i'm hopeful there might be another chapter, but i'm also a realist (when i'm not being a dreamer) and whilst i will struggle if nothing further happens, at least i know i gave it my best shot and went after what i wanted...

yep, and that has to be a positive...this is not something i've really done before, so i guess we have progress :-)

however, as evidenced by the fact that my heart is racing and i feel very anxious, i'm still happy i did it (i think)...

no point spending my whole life thinking 'what if i'd only said xxx?', nope, at least now, i will be ok that i did everything i could, that i didn't leave any uncertainty about what i wanted, and i was courageous enough to share that with him...

what happens next is really up to him

only question is: can i live with his decision? well, not like i haven't bounced back from 2 of his other decisions that i didn't like!

anyway, i'm tired so i think bed is the best thing, and willpower not to check my phone every 3 seconds!

ps funny, sometimes how the universe works! so i have my itunes on random tonight and as i finish typing this post, which is largely about how vulnerable i feel, albeit pleased, Gold by Spandau Ballet comes on - you are gold, you are indestructable...so true! followed by Sixpence None the Richer's 'Kiss Me' and oh how i wish he would...!

nite xx

gratitude: an extract...

so occurs to me, at one time in my life, i used to write a gratitude journal - this started after i'd seen Martin Seligman speak and i wanted to try it out for myself...note to self: it worked, consider starting it up again...

so today i'm grateful for:

a) i had the courage to give things with him a go, to test out some new stuff, and sure, i'm hurting now and confused and certain it's not over, but i did it;

b) PK telling me that years ago, former employer, made a mistake in not giving me the CFO job...can't tell you how much that means to me...even though i'm no longer in finance and no longer have any aspirations to be a CFO, at the time i did, and their error crushed me...nice to know they were wrong!; and

c) my friends, without whom my life would have much less meaning....

and there are way more than 3 things (but this was the 'norm' in terms of my gratitude journal)...honestly i'm grateful that even though things don't feel great right now, i am glad to be alive, and learning and moving one step closer (i hope) to what it is i am destined for...

so, on that note, good night...

and to any new readers, thanks for dropping in :-)

honestly, him not responding

immediately tonight has given me some space, and some time to think...

of course, i'm not sure that's helped me get clear on EXACTLY what i intend to do when we finally do talk, but i'm grateful for the space...

ps couple of things that i need to remember:

a) if it were to get off the ground it would have to be a secret (i really don't like that, it's not going to work well with my feelings of 'i'm not good enough' that occasionally surface; and

b) one of the things i have consistently thought is that i'd like him to meet me half way...so that i know exactly how he feels and what he wants...not sure he's done that yet! in fact, i think when it's gotten confronting for him (i.e. perhaps when he's realised he actually likes me), he has panicked and run...

consensus of one listener is that he may feel i'm too good for him - fuck, really? i so hope not...surely i should be the one to decide that not him? and for the record, i'm not entirely sure that has any merit whatsoever...

nite

x

rock bottom?

that's kind of what today felt like, and sure it wasn't anything like Easter Sunday (which truly was one of my darkest days)...but still, pretty bad...

guess i hadn't really expected it either, but towards the end of yesterday i noticed him and I had a meeting scheduled today and I thought i best see if he wanted to go through with it...he said 'probably not a good idea'...which of course sent me into a spin! why?

sure, he may be struggling too, but i made it all about me - seems i'm VERY good at doing this...this is a pattern/a behaviour that is no longer serving me, probably hasn't been for ages to be honest, but it seems really pertinent to review it now...

the last few weeks of 'reviewing' my patterns, and being confronted with the behaviours of my past has been challenging, tiring, sad, difficult...so many words could apply, and this is probably just the next chapter (fuck, will this book ever be written?) but still, it's never easy to confront one's old behaviours....

for me, at least, it's because usually those behaviours started somewhere, and in this instance, where this all started isn't a great place for me to visit - no nice warm memory lane here...nope, just a sad cold truth that is always going to be a part of my 'experience'....one that no amount of wishing it was different will change, sadly!

and sure, i am working to reduce it's impact on me, to become more aware of the impact it's had, to not let it get in the way, but that is a long long road, as all the best roads are right?

and don't get me wrong, i'm not going to shy away from doing the work, the hard yards or walking the long and bumpy road, no way, but there are times when the challenge seems insurmountable...

and today, for a brief moment when i realised that maybe he has walked away because he doesn't like me (again, making it about me, when actually i don't think it's that simple) enough, it just all seemed too hard...

questions like 'will i ever sort this out?' started randomly popping into my head which made work seem a chore...and that's not great because truly, i LOVE my job! (on that note, it was my 9 month anniversary today...wow!)

so it seems as though now is the time in my life to really just 'reflect' on what has been, and what will be, what i have done before and what i want to do going forward...to create clarity, to develop confidence in being vulnerable, to challenge things that aren't working and create some new ways....

yep, these are the tasks at hand! sounds so easy when i write it down like that..!

if only it were that easy...but then, the most treasured things in life (other than the people we love) are usually the things that don't come easily to us, so why would i expect (perhaps it's hope more than expectation) this to be any different...

so after a simply horror day where i realised i really missed him - how could i not? for the best part of the last 3 months we have spoken at least once daily, have found reasons to talk/email/text each other, but since Saturday, nothing....and sure, that's what i asked for...actually, no i asked for no flirting (since he'd made up his mind)...it's been awful, and having to see him constantly is something of a mind fuck - and one that i am not coping with...

so just before i had lunch with my most fabulous staff member (and yes, i know i shouldn't have favourites, but she is my favourite!) i sent him a text....and i wasn't sure if i would get a response or not but i just needed to say something...

so hours later, when i'm on the phone to Leah, he texts back saying sure, can chat but is flat out and limpy...as if he thinks I didn't notice this? but of course in the absence of being able to ask him, i have assumed to be a soccer injury....

so i have now given some thought to what it is i want to say...so much thought in fact, i wrote it down! and sure i won't stick to any sort of script, i rarely do, being an 'NF' and all, meaning essentially i'm better with a big picture idea and then filling in the details as i go...

but here's the gist:

So I feel like you made the decision on Saturday, even though Friday night you asked me think about what I wanted? How did that happen? And that’s why I decided not to tell you what I wanted…..

I feel like you have controlled the process, or done what works for you, without hearing my side and that’s why I couldn’t be open with you…i have no idea if telling you now where my head is at is a good idea, but I figure, I have nothing to lose

I like you FC

You are the first man in ages I have even considered having a relationship with

I guess I figured when you said you’d tie up the loose ends, that you meant it and that meant you were willing to see where things could go between us?  At least in the moment you said it, but as you say, you got panicky

Then you say the timing is a bitch – does it have to be? Seems you are confused about that, which left me confused and receiving mixed messages

I miss talking to you – we’ve spent the best part of 3 months talking/flirting and I’m finding it difficult to go to no contact – frankly, it sux

I understand that the work thing is high risk for both of us….i don’t know what to do about that, but I don’t want it to get in the way? And yes, based on how things are right now, it’s pretty awful….but still

so, there you have it...i've finally been vulnerable, and i have no idea what you will 'do' with the information but you've been asking me what i want and until now i haven't been able to tell you...

question remains if i'll be able to say this to him, if it'll feel right, when we get around to 'clearing the air' (yes, that's what i said in my text message of earlier) whether they will be the right words, but they were when i wrote them...

sooo as the day nears it’s end, I am feeling a bit more together…I am blessed with some amazing friends, a long chat with Leah helped enormously, encouragement from a distant friend from across the ditch also helped (thanks Rich), and knowing (even though at times today I did not believe that) that no matter what, this is all part of the grand plan we call life…yep, right now, feeling ok…

please please please let that last well into tomorrow…

nite

x

can i wake up in say, six weeks?

really? a big part of me doesn't want to go through this phase, this all too familiar phase...

this phase of 'post relationship deconstruction', and sure this relationship was relatively short lived, but still, the inevitable process that seems to be the way i process stuff, is now, well and truly in train...

and you know what? i'm tired...

hence my question....

right now, it seems hugely appealing to simply go to sleep and wake up in six weeks (or whatever period of time it will take, probably won't take six weeks) when i feel better, when the questions have stopped, when my heart won't skip a beat every time i see a black Golf, when going to work each day won't be quite so difficult as it is right now...

yep, that would be good...

of course, i know that the 'real work' is done in these times of reflection, sadness, disappointment....but i'm tired, and yes i know i'm up for it (aren't i always?) but still

still....

the last word...

so I think the thing that annoys me the most is that he's had the last word...

without me even getting a say

fuck! that feels so disempowering, no wonder I feel unheard...

yep seriously annoyed with him and surely this is what being in a relationship with him would be like? control freak who has to have the last word enough to do my head in!

maybe I should be relieved he didn't want to give it a shot...

maybe

not convinced but definitely contemplating...

the other list...

so i'm considering writing the other list, so that in time to come i perhaps have some inkling as to what i liked about him, but right now, i'm too mad....

and as i was thinking about how i felt a wee bit earlier (when i read his email - shouldn't have!), i realised that for most of the brief 'encounter' (let's call it that because what else could you call it? maybe flirting then dating?...dunno) i wasn't happy...

excited yes, anxious yes, unclear yes, unsure yes...really? is that how the beginning of a good relationship is supposed to feel? not sure, and sure, doing the 'shoulds' won't really help me but still, surely it has gotta be better than that?

so the list of stuff i like...really, do i want to go there tonight? maybe it'll just fuel the romantic notion that he'll come back...maybe not, maybe it'll help me be clearer on what i thought i wanted...

anyway, here's the start of the list of things i liked:

• we both grew up in the north (unsure why i liked this, felt it gave us some shared history i guess, some understanding of where we came from)
• taller than me, blue eyes (nice blue eyes)
• smart, successful (albeit, lazy in my opinion)
• nice home (this surprised me, but it's true, he has a nice home)
• would challenge me, i especially liked this
• good pasher (shit, i really don't want to be remembering that, but it's true)
• quite considerate under the 'veneer' although i don't think i got anywhere close to really knowing him, would have liked to
• shared dream to live in NYC one day
• likes sport
• in many ways (except for leading me on) was a grown up
• his matter of factness which initially i found jarring, started to grow on me
• wrote nicely, interested in words
• kind of thoughtful
• felt nice to lie in his arms

so actually, there was quite a bit...

yep, that didn't help at all actually...

guess at least i could articulate some of the stuff i liked though, so it wasn't entirely the construction of a romantic mind...

sigh...

set back?

fuck! i had a much better day today, until i realised that there was a meeting for him and i scheduled for friday...so i figure i should be the 'adult' and check if he wants to do it (given the meeting was set up when he wanted me to coach him)....

he comes back with 'probably a bad idea', and instead of ignoring it, i respond with 'for who?'

stupid stupid stupid - of course for both of us (which is what he responds with)

maybe i wanted something from him - some sign that i'm not the only one struggling this week, not the only one who's suffering in some way, hurting perhaps (he won't be hurting - it's his decision after all)...

and after a great day where i was feeling good, suddenly i'm sent back! sure, only a day or so, and it has only been 3 days since it was declared over, but still...

i'm just so cranky with him, cranky that he led me on, cranky that on friday night he invites me to think about what i want (saying there's no point just reacting to him and he wants to know what i want as he's confused) - but NO, actually, that's complete and utter bullshit

he didn't even give me a chance to tell him what i wanted before he summarily dismissed the idea out of hand...

fuck! why did i even think he might want to have an adult conversation about it? and sure, i get that the work thing is in the way, or at best, a complication we could both do without, but honestly, i thought there might be something there worth pursuing...

obviously he didn't, or no, maybe he did, but he's too gutless..either way, whatever 'story' i make up about it, isn't going to do me or my fragile self esteem any favours...

and i'm left wondering why the fuck i even allowed myself to like him? after such a bad start? after seeing so much about him, that frankly, i just didn't like...why why why why

i have no idea if i'll ever find an acceptable answer to that question, maybe there isn't one, maybe it was just one of those attraction/chemistry things that cannot be explained, no matter how hard i try, but i am 'searching' for answers...

yep, this is what i do - look for reasons! maybe there isn't one! maybe it was all based on a series of feelings? which given how i know myself to a) take in information and b) make decisions, this makes complete sense...no point searching for logic or reason where there may be none?

not like i've never fallen for the wrong guy before? the unsuitable? the unavailable? the downright wrong for me...

of course not....but still, i thought i was learning? and maybe i am...

maybe he has been (as Leah says) a practice run - at least with him i was more aware of what was going on for me, of course didn't stop me falling for him, or at least, realising that i'd like to get to know him better, enough that i would take the risk re work (big call for me - can't work out which of us has more to lose, but still, i was willing to give it a shot)...

he wasn't, and that hurts...

so, today, despite being a mostly good day (work was great, got loads done, had some great conversations etc), i am now left with all these unanswered questions, and so many things i want to say to him...

of course, that would be futile, but nonetheless, i feel the urge to do it....

hmmmm

oh and ps

he slurps his tea! surely that is one giant sign from the universe...

i'm so mad with you...

that's what i want to say to him and it's going to take an enormous amount of willpower not to...

honestly, i am mad mad mad

so why did he bother asking me to think about what i wanted, and tell me he was confused, when in fact, it seems like he wasn't

he had clearly made up his mind and i didn't even get a look in

as one of my bff's said 'he won't throw caution to the wind, what wind?'...and she's right

fuck! i'm so annoyed, i'm disappointed, i'm feeling a bit annoyed with myself for allowing myself to think he could be someone i'd like to get to know better, when the signs from the get go were not good..

essentially i let his interest in me talk me into having an interest in him

yep, i'm mad, really bloody mad

that's gotta be a good sign though right? better than being a crying mess (in fact, haven't even done any crying since last sunday's melt down...that in itself is surely a sign)

sooo only a couple of questions remain:

a) how will i manage to not tell him how pissed off i am

b) how long will the little fantasy i have in my head, you know, the one where in a coupla months he says 'i'm an idiot, i like you, give me another chance'

c) how quickly will i be able to forget it all so it doesn't impact my work (it isn't in practical terms, but emotionally it's hard to turn up knowing he's there - not like i can escape from it...)

d) was he really just a practice run?

so many questions! perhaps re a) it's a good job i have deleted him from my phone, as at least contacting him means going to more than the usual effort of sending a text...

yep, i am mad with him, so mad i could scream...

annoyed and

disappointed...

seems i can't get him, or what happened out of my head tonight

i'm annoyed with him, i'm disappointed with where it ended up, even more disappointed there will be no sex...and sure, i wasn't CERTAIN i wanted to shag him, but still...

yup, annoyed!

struggling...

tonight

unsure if it's because in less than 12 hours i'm going to have to see him at work, or if my usual 'addiction' of moving towards is rearing it's ugly head...

either way, i'm struggling...so in an attempt to remind myself of some of the reasons that i didn't think it would be good to consider a relationship with FC, here is my list of things i don't like about him, or things that annoyed me...

no doubt the other list, the list of things i DID like about him will come out another time, even though i have struggled to articulate what it was i liked about him...surely that's an issue in itself? it is right?

he can be rude, not just to others, but to me

he smokes

a LOT

he's anxious, awkward (could be just around me, but i doubt it) at times...which makes it very difficult to communicate with him

i don't think he considers the impact he has on others, me in particular (not often anyway)

he's dismissive (mental note to remind myself of the hurtful text he sent me last weekend)

he can be really blunt (although the more i got to know him, the less this sort of bothered me)

he lead me on, albeit unintentionally (impact to me is the same)

he told me he fancied me, we would see each other, he'd tie up loose ends, he kissed me, and then he panicked

he disappears mid conversation sometimes

he's an ISTJ 

funny, even as i'm writing this, i can think of some of the things i did like, but i am NOT going there tonight...

the idea of writing this was to remind me of the things that bugged me, or hurt me, or worse, i couldn't imagine putting up with in a serious relationship....

so back to it...surely there is more

he didn't ever really make an effort to get to know me...

so looking back, makes me wonder what was really going on? initially it was intrigue/curiosity, the sense that i might be able to 'help' him....then it became something else, and honestly, i can't pinpoint how or when that happened, but it seemed suddenly to move into a full blown (and yet, not talked abut) chemistry/attraction...

and then, he realised he liked me and panicked...fuck! sure i shouldn't make that about me, but you know, it's kinda hard not to...

so struggling is where it's at...it'll get better, it always does, but right now i feel the need to verbalise the emotions that feel that a thick mire...

sigh...

it's hard not to...

start thinking 'what is wrong with me'?

i'm trying really hard not to, but it's proving bloody difficult...

if he liked me more, maybe the 'timing' wouldn't be an issue

if he liked me more, maybe the work thing wouldn't be an issue
if he liked me more, maybe there would be another date

and sure, there's absolutely no value in beating myself up like this, but it's hard not to really

on the other hand, the fact that he did what he wanted last friday (with me) and then panicked, means maybe he let himself go with it...i suspect that isn't something he does very often

nope, he's planful that one, hence why he's now running...

so i feel flat and despondent and a wee bit numb, disappointed, not entirely without hope, but the hope that he might have been something, well that's gone...

time will heal how i feel right now, always does...

what would we do without time?

all over the shop....

so as the day has worn on and i have almost run out of chores to do, and i have finally stopped....well, i'm reflecting and all over the shop is kinda the only way i can describe what's going through my head...

it's a combination of calmness and acceptance (this is very rare for me) and still sadness and a small urge to reach out to him (that will NOT be happening, even if I have to delete him, again, from my phone...)

so i'm reflecting....

not just on yesterday's events, but on the entire story with him....

funny, coz when i first met him i found NOTHING about him attractive...maybe that's one of the lessons in all of this? or maybe not!

maybe i allowed myself to be talked into it? or maybe i was able to look beneath the surface and find something i liked?

probably a bit of both to be honest....so inevitably i am now going over events, happenings, conversations, looks, things that were said, other things that weren't...

and it really should help me to know that his decisions weren't about me, but still, there is a small part of me that wonders...sure he panicked, sure he may be disappointed too, but really, timing is not that important...or is it?

maybe it is to him? maybe it is to me too - sure i've met people at the wrong time before, of course i have, but really?

fuck! and did i mention every 2nd car seems to be a black golf - really universe? really? why must you torment me with that? my heart skips a beat every time i see one....of course this is familiar territory and it will eventually pass...

it did with Chris, and so it will with FC...of course with Ben it didn't matter (one upside of not having a car)...!

as i write this it occurs me that tomorrow morning i'm going to have to see him, face him at work....hmmm not sure how i feel about that

might have been nice to have a coupla weeks where i don't have to see him, talk to him etc, but no, we are going to have to not only see each other this week, but probably have a number of work related conversations....and there is ONE very good reason not to get involved with someone at work

of course, i actually think it's unavoidable...i do! a large number of people meet their partners through work, so why should i be any different, and sure my boss would freak if she knew something had occurred (in reality, NOT much did occur...)....she would consider it inappropriate etc, but hey, i wanted to give it a shot so i took a risk...and whilst i absolutely don't regret it, turning up tomorrow ain't gonna be a walk in the park!

in a moment of what i can only read as empathy (although he is not known for this..) he tells me he can send his colleague if i'd prefer....for the discussions we have to have this week...

so sure i've gotten through most of the day without an emotion even remotely resembling last Sunday's little mirror session, but still, i'm flat, and tired, and sad, and mostly disappointed...and a small part of me, seemingly growing as i get ever tireder, wishes things could be different...

sigh................

bit sad now...

yep, as i near the end of what has been a busy and emotional day, i feel sad suddenly...

inevitable i guess, but still...

sad....

just sayin'

another maiden voyage...

ok, so here goes! new blog, no references which will allow me to be 'found'....

and hopefully a new start...on a couple of fronts....

it's been a huge couple of years to be honest, and as i sat with my therapist today and told her how tired i was, i realised just how much of a toll the past few years have taken on me....

so today, and the end of things with FC (for now at least) feels like a new beginning for me, and sure i didn't get to try out all of my new stuff, but i tried out a lot....behaviours i have never tried before, and you know what? despite how it has ended (largely amicably to be honest) i am actually ok with how i did....sure, would have liked to have been able to be a bit more vulnerable, but that just didn't seem like the right thing to do....not like any genuine opportunities for that presented themselves...

so, even though i'm disappointed, and frankly, pissed i won't be getting sex anytime soon!, it is something of a relief.....and sure i liked him enough to give things a go, he was the first man in ages i felt might be worth pursuing...but there you have it! decision essentially taken out of my hands....

but timing (in his words) is a bitch...frankly, i think that's something of a cop out...but hey?

so, here we go again....