friends is diametrically opposed to mine...
yep, no acknowledgement of Xmas, tons of broken promises and likely the next contact will be about something he wants...one way, always has been, always will be...
I feel strangely ok about it all, and after the bathroom incident of last week, feel determined to put him out of my mind and my life....
2014 is a new year...yay :)
books
books
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Monday, December 23, 2013
some of my favourite books...
so a colleague from work asked me for a list of some of my favourite books as she is about tohave 3 weeks leave, and following dining at my place earlier this week and admiring my book collection, she figured, of all people, i would have some good recommendations...so last night, after i'd broken out of my bathroom (long story, for another post as it was actually quite frightening) i did a bit of a journey through my 2 book cases and came up with the following list:
The Sea The Sea by Iris Murdoch (she told me she'd never heard of Iris - find that hard to believe somehow!)
Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah
Kafka By the Shore by Haruki Murakami (actually anything by him)
Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster (or again, anything by him!)
The Way I Found Her by Rose Tremain
The Bride Stripped Bare by anonymous
Unless by Carol Shields (just about anything actually by Carol, great writer)
Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson
How the Light Gets In by M J Hyland
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
The Falls or Middle Age by Joyce Carol Oates (most of her books are fabulous)
The Sea by John Banville (ordinarily don't like him but this is beautifully written and won the Man Booker Prize in 2005)
Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey (quintessentially Australian)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera (stunning)
Breath by Tim Winton (don't love all of his books, but this is beautiful)
Tully by Paulina Simons
The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid (loved this)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (if you haven't read it's a must, as is The Great Gatsby!)
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt (excellent read);
Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Of course I forgot to add a number of other favourites:
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (truly one of the most moving books I've ever read)
What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt (her and Paul Auster are married - both amazing writers)
Just about anything by Margaret Atwood but in particular, favourites are: Alias Grace, Cats Eye, Robber Bride, Lady Oracle...
Of course one can't really go past Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Paulo Coehlo, and the odd read by Louis de Bernieres also good... Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (don't really like her stuff but this really found me at a time when I needed it most)
Typically the booker prize winner (and various of the short and long listed books) often make a stunning read - winners I've really enjoyed include: The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga 2008 The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai 2006 The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes 2011 The Blind Assasin by Margaret Atwood (2000 - one of her best)
Alice Munro also good and Alice Hoffman good to escape - love her work, always leaves me wanting more: Blue Diary, River King, Here on Earth, Local Girls, Probable Future etc
Ok, well my stroll down memory library must come to an end....
Happy reading :-)
The Sea The Sea by Iris Murdoch (she told me she'd never heard of Iris - find that hard to believe somehow!)
Falling Leaves by Adeline Yen Mah
Kafka By the Shore by Haruki Murakami (actually anything by him)
Brooklyn Follies by Paul Auster (or again, anything by him!)
The Way I Found Her by Rose Tremain
The Bride Stripped Bare by anonymous
Unless by Carol Shields (just about anything actually by Carol, great writer)
Behind the Scenes at the Museum by Kate Atkinson
How the Light Gets In by M J Hyland
The Book Thief by Markus Zusak
Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
The Falls or Middle Age by Joyce Carol Oates (most of her books are fabulous)
The Sea by John Banville (ordinarily don't like him but this is beautifully written and won the Man Booker Prize in 2005)
Jasper Jones by Craig Silvey (quintessentially Australian)
The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera (stunning)
Breath by Tim Winton (don't love all of his books, but this is beautiful)
Tully by Paulina Simons
The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid (loved this)
To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee (if you haven't read it's a must, as is The Great Gatsby!)
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil by John Berendt (excellent read);
Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zafon
Of course I forgot to add a number of other favourites:
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (truly one of the most moving books I've ever read)
What I Loved by Siri Hustvedt (her and Paul Auster are married - both amazing writers)
Just about anything by Margaret Atwood but in particular, favourites are: Alias Grace, Cats Eye, Robber Bride, Lady Oracle...
Of course one can't really go past Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Paulo Coehlo, and the odd read by Louis de Bernieres also good... Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (don't really like her stuff but this really found me at a time when I needed it most)
Typically the booker prize winner (and various of the short and long listed books) often make a stunning read - winners I've really enjoyed include: The White Tiger by Aravind Adiga 2008 The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai 2006 The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes 2011 The Blind Assasin by Margaret Atwood (2000 - one of her best)
Alice Munro also good and Alice Hoffman good to escape - love her work, always leaves me wanting more: Blue Diary, River King, Here on Earth, Local Girls, Probable Future etc
Ok, well my stroll down memory library must come to an end....
Happy reading :-)
Friday, December 20, 2013
2013: the year in review....
so this year seems to have been characterised by way less blogging than last year! combination of being too busy, nowhere near as emotionally impacted as I was last year and the fact that for a lot of the year, my library has been full of stuff from other rooms which were being renovated! not exactly conducive to being creative...
so, I guess on the whole, it has been, for the most part, a better year than 2012, but FC has still been far too much 'top of mind' and a number of other things have made it a challenging year...that said, as I sit down to write this I find myself much happier and way more content than I was a year ago, so that's good :-)
January: highlight probably my birthday which I celebrated with a High Tea in the QVB with 8 of my close girlfriends (although both Sara and Kirsten were absent)...only other thing of note was that whilst watching cricket, I decided I would in fact fly to England in August to meet up with Dad for a couple of days of Ashes cricket in Durham...
February: undoubtedly one of the most difficult days/periods of my entire career happened this month - on 12 February, someone decided to send a letter of complaint about me to my boss...not a good day and one where I felt I had no-one to turn to other than Nick (in a work context)...he surprised me by being hugely supportive, but that only sparked some hope in me, which of course, was later quickly extinguished by his inconsistent behaviour...
March: made the trip to Melbs with Dad so we could go see Carlton v Richmond with Dan, Sam, Chubbs (who cried because it was too noisy) and Neil (kiss of death)...Tigers won and we all left feeling deflated...things with BD were utterly confusing ahead of his holiday, and I really did start to wonder what message the universe was having me learn re the men in my life!
April: highlight of the month was Dad's 70th birthday party which I hosted in Canberra! was lovely, such a beautiful day with many of his close friends...had lots of fun. had my hair cut much much shorter (loving it) and realised that FC couldn't be a friend as he didn't make a single comment about the much shorter hair...in other news, the much anticipated en-suite renovations commence...which unfortunately seemed to bring on a very nasty chest infection
May: low light occurred on 12th when I saw FC and Serafina in Balmain...realised that I'd been blind the whole time and when I told him he could have told me he simply said 'nothing's changed, not like she's a girlfriend'...really? so there began a period of non communicating with him, and honestly, once I'd gotten used to the idea, it was actually really nice (peaceful even)...a month of bad illness meant I spent most of May on the couch or in bed...en suite renovations finally finished nearly 8 weeks after they started: final product pretty good but felt like a very arduous process
June: Mum and Dad depart #23 for #45 and a significant downsize...I spent a lot of time in May helping them prepare for the big move and was happy to head down to Cbr to assist shortly after they moved in with furniture placement, picture hanging, general organising and putting together a bookshelf with Dad...seem to have cut ties with FC and am enjoying the space
July: the lead up to my trip and I'm busy busy. given the lack of blogging I'm not sure I can recall what exactly happened in July...
August: finally the day of departure arrives and Felix and Leah pick me up on a beautiful winter's day to drop me at the airport...loved every minute of my Virgin Atlantic business class flight to London...Alison and Andy picked me up and I spent a lovely few days with them...included a fabulous shopping day with Alison in Marlow. had a day trip to visit Brian and Brenda and then headed up to Northallerton on the train...had a great few days with Mum and Dad staying with Bob and Pat, met Nick's son Jude, saw Grandma who was a bit worse for wear, and enjoyed 2 days of Ashes cricket at Chester-Le-Street with Dad and Bob (although watching cricket when it's 17 degrees is not my idea of fun!)...then flew to Budapest for a Sarah treat and had 4 days in the Gresham Palace overlooking the Danube...beautiful city, great people, good shopping, was 29 degrees just about every day and I thoroughly enjoyed pottering around and exploring the place...then onto Hong Kong where I met up with Kirst and Pissoir for 5 days of shopping, exploring, eating etc...was a load of fun and between us I think we left HK with 34 pairs of shoes (21 of which were mine!)...had dinner with Dan, always lovely to see him...flew home with Qantas as Virgin plane trouble - would not recommend even though I came bus class on their A380....simply wonderful holiday, loved every minute of it and saw England through different eyes for the first time...
September: rude shock coming back to work, seem to now be talking to Nick again (in fact he texted most days I was away), but then I find out he's having a 40th and I'm not invited :-( yep, he says he thought he was doing the right thing, so again I attempt the 'cut off' and this seems to be going well for a while, but inevitably he finds a way to get back in and I let him! mental note to self: this must eventually stop...Sept 8th Dad, Dan, Rat and I go to the MCG to cheer Carlton on as they seek revenge against the Tigers (we only make it into finals footy coz Essendon cheat and get kicked out so we move from 9th to 8th and find ourselves playing in September)....we are down and out, and then we make a comeback and win by 20! there is much jubilation amongst the Rodgers/Sims clan and we just about lose our voices cheering and have a few celebratory bevvies at the Hilton before I fly home...I can't talk for 3 days...sadly we lose the next week and participate no further into September, but still, didn't even expect to be there...and, we got further than the arch enemy Collingwood!
October: having successfully survived the en suite renovation, it seems I can no longer tolerate the state of the tiles in living area, main bathroom or laundry, so for the 2nd time in a year, I embark on renovations (this time major) and yet again I get sick, although truthfully, the chest infection/lung issues which started in April, haven't in fact gone yet and I seem to have an ongoing rather horrible cough which seems to be immune to any of the many medications I try...I finally get around to bringing my pay situation to boss's attention and what ensues is such a horror conversation I just about resign on the spot! of course I don't, and over the course of the next few weeks I spend a lot of time mulling over what I want to do...Leah helps, Sal is amazing and I come out of this period with a much more healthy approach to work and a changed attitude, which strangely enough seems to result in me enjoying work much more, and ironically still wanting to do a great job...additionally, seems my reaction to conversation with boss has given my an opportunity to really see and learn my 'process' and that is invaluable...so I guess, not all is lost...
November: seems to go by in a blur as my home is yet again a building site (this particular renovation: all floor tiles, laundry room and main bathroom) is a major interruption and the dust is virtually unbearable...quality of work better than en-suite and overall a much better experience but still, I yearn for the sanctuary to be returned to sanctuary status...I introduce Leah to Bell Shakespeare's Hamlet for her birthday which I love but she doesn't (oh well!)....early in the month John and Leah host a Halloween party and in Sarah fashion I'm about the only person who goes in 'non dress up' (I don't do dress up)...despite not really wanting to go it was a really fun night which I enjoyed...
December: and here we are, almost at the end of another year and in 21 days I'll be 45 - which I simply cannot believe! renovations are complete, couple of new pieces of furniture arrive and I look forward to the entire pad being finished as Christmas approaches. I look forward to a few quiet days in Canberra with Mum and Dad to help them celebrate their first Christmas at The Grange...and I look forward to a quiet NYE with Leah where we will reflect on the year that's been...
so, on reflection it's probably been marginally better than 2012 - certainly it's been a year of huge reflection and learning for me, I've learned a lot about myself, I've found much comfort and solace in my friendship with Leah, my continued friendship with Sara, my beautiful home and in coming to a place of acceptance about where work fits into my life...I've continued to oscillate with my 'relationship' with FC, Mark Broomhead sadly lost his battle with cancer on 11/12/13 which has been very sad for Sam and Neil....beautiful man, will never be forgotten, and truly, the world is a lesser place without him....
so looking ahead, I'm hoping that 2014 will be a healthier year for me, a year where I focus on qualifying as an interior decorator and perhaps finishing that novel, a year where maybe just maybe I'll meet someone really special...where my friendship with Leah will continue to grow, where my family and friends (and me) will be healthy and happy, where I will really get clear on what I want life post current employer to look like, perhaps I'll even get fit...if I'm lucky, March will offer up a bonus and a well deserved pay rise to get me to the median (although as I said to Sal, $25k won't change my life so even if it isn't forthcoming, I suspect I'll be ok with that...if not initially, eventually)...and November will bring a trip to Canada and thanksgiving with my beautiful friends P.A. and Elliot as well as a shopping trip in downtown NYC...
so, lots to be thankful for really, and hopeful that this time next year I'll be posting about how much I've learned, how happy I am, how successful 2014 was, and how much I'm looking forward to 2015....
ciao!
so, I guess on the whole, it has been, for the most part, a better year than 2012, but FC has still been far too much 'top of mind' and a number of other things have made it a challenging year...that said, as I sit down to write this I find myself much happier and way more content than I was a year ago, so that's good :-)
January: highlight probably my birthday which I celebrated with a High Tea in the QVB with 8 of my close girlfriends (although both Sara and Kirsten were absent)...only other thing of note was that whilst watching cricket, I decided I would in fact fly to England in August to meet up with Dad for a couple of days of Ashes cricket in Durham...
February: undoubtedly one of the most difficult days/periods of my entire career happened this month - on 12 February, someone decided to send a letter of complaint about me to my boss...not a good day and one where I felt I had no-one to turn to other than Nick (in a work context)...he surprised me by being hugely supportive, but that only sparked some hope in me, which of course, was later quickly extinguished by his inconsistent behaviour...
March: made the trip to Melbs with Dad so we could go see Carlton v Richmond with Dan, Sam, Chubbs (who cried because it was too noisy) and Neil (kiss of death)...Tigers won and we all left feeling deflated...things with BD were utterly confusing ahead of his holiday, and I really did start to wonder what message the universe was having me learn re the men in my life!
April: highlight of the month was Dad's 70th birthday party which I hosted in Canberra! was lovely, such a beautiful day with many of his close friends...had lots of fun. had my hair cut much much shorter (loving it) and realised that FC couldn't be a friend as he didn't make a single comment about the much shorter hair...in other news, the much anticipated en-suite renovations commence...which unfortunately seemed to bring on a very nasty chest infection
May: low light occurred on 12th when I saw FC and Serafina in Balmain...realised that I'd been blind the whole time and when I told him he could have told me he simply said 'nothing's changed, not like she's a girlfriend'...really? so there began a period of non communicating with him, and honestly, once I'd gotten used to the idea, it was actually really nice (peaceful even)...a month of bad illness meant I spent most of May on the couch or in bed...en suite renovations finally finished nearly 8 weeks after they started: final product pretty good but felt like a very arduous process
June: Mum and Dad depart #23 for #45 and a significant downsize...I spent a lot of time in May helping them prepare for the big move and was happy to head down to Cbr to assist shortly after they moved in with furniture placement, picture hanging, general organising and putting together a bookshelf with Dad...seem to have cut ties with FC and am enjoying the space
July: the lead up to my trip and I'm busy busy. given the lack of blogging I'm not sure I can recall what exactly happened in July...
August: finally the day of departure arrives and Felix and Leah pick me up on a beautiful winter's day to drop me at the airport...loved every minute of my Virgin Atlantic business class flight to London...Alison and Andy picked me up and I spent a lovely few days with them...included a fabulous shopping day with Alison in Marlow. had a day trip to visit Brian and Brenda and then headed up to Northallerton on the train...had a great few days with Mum and Dad staying with Bob and Pat, met Nick's son Jude, saw Grandma who was a bit worse for wear, and enjoyed 2 days of Ashes cricket at Chester-Le-Street with Dad and Bob (although watching cricket when it's 17 degrees is not my idea of fun!)...then flew to Budapest for a Sarah treat and had 4 days in the Gresham Palace overlooking the Danube...beautiful city, great people, good shopping, was 29 degrees just about every day and I thoroughly enjoyed pottering around and exploring the place...then onto Hong Kong where I met up with Kirst and Pissoir for 5 days of shopping, exploring, eating etc...was a load of fun and between us I think we left HK with 34 pairs of shoes (21 of which were mine!)...had dinner with Dan, always lovely to see him...flew home with Qantas as Virgin plane trouble - would not recommend even though I came bus class on their A380....simply wonderful holiday, loved every minute of it and saw England through different eyes for the first time...
September: rude shock coming back to work, seem to now be talking to Nick again (in fact he texted most days I was away), but then I find out he's having a 40th and I'm not invited :-( yep, he says he thought he was doing the right thing, so again I attempt the 'cut off' and this seems to be going well for a while, but inevitably he finds a way to get back in and I let him! mental note to self: this must eventually stop...Sept 8th Dad, Dan, Rat and I go to the MCG to cheer Carlton on as they seek revenge against the Tigers (we only make it into finals footy coz Essendon cheat and get kicked out so we move from 9th to 8th and find ourselves playing in September)....we are down and out, and then we make a comeback and win by 20! there is much jubilation amongst the Rodgers/Sims clan and we just about lose our voices cheering and have a few celebratory bevvies at the Hilton before I fly home...I can't talk for 3 days...sadly we lose the next week and participate no further into September, but still, didn't even expect to be there...and, we got further than the arch enemy Collingwood!
October: having successfully survived the en suite renovation, it seems I can no longer tolerate the state of the tiles in living area, main bathroom or laundry, so for the 2nd time in a year, I embark on renovations (this time major) and yet again I get sick, although truthfully, the chest infection/lung issues which started in April, haven't in fact gone yet and I seem to have an ongoing rather horrible cough which seems to be immune to any of the many medications I try...I finally get around to bringing my pay situation to boss's attention and what ensues is such a horror conversation I just about resign on the spot! of course I don't, and over the course of the next few weeks I spend a lot of time mulling over what I want to do...Leah helps, Sal is amazing and I come out of this period with a much more healthy approach to work and a changed attitude, which strangely enough seems to result in me enjoying work much more, and ironically still wanting to do a great job...additionally, seems my reaction to conversation with boss has given my an opportunity to really see and learn my 'process' and that is invaluable...so I guess, not all is lost...
November: seems to go by in a blur as my home is yet again a building site (this particular renovation: all floor tiles, laundry room and main bathroom) is a major interruption and the dust is virtually unbearable...quality of work better than en-suite and overall a much better experience but still, I yearn for the sanctuary to be returned to sanctuary status...I introduce Leah to Bell Shakespeare's Hamlet for her birthday which I love but she doesn't (oh well!)....early in the month John and Leah host a Halloween party and in Sarah fashion I'm about the only person who goes in 'non dress up' (I don't do dress up)...despite not really wanting to go it was a really fun night which I enjoyed...
December: and here we are, almost at the end of another year and in 21 days I'll be 45 - which I simply cannot believe! renovations are complete, couple of new pieces of furniture arrive and I look forward to the entire pad being finished as Christmas approaches. I look forward to a few quiet days in Canberra with Mum and Dad to help them celebrate their first Christmas at The Grange...and I look forward to a quiet NYE with Leah where we will reflect on the year that's been...
so, on reflection it's probably been marginally better than 2012 - certainly it's been a year of huge reflection and learning for me, I've learned a lot about myself, I've found much comfort and solace in my friendship with Leah, my continued friendship with Sara, my beautiful home and in coming to a place of acceptance about where work fits into my life...I've continued to oscillate with my 'relationship' with FC, Mark Broomhead sadly lost his battle with cancer on 11/12/13 which has been very sad for Sam and Neil....beautiful man, will never be forgotten, and truly, the world is a lesser place without him....
so looking ahead, I'm hoping that 2014 will be a healthier year for me, a year where I focus on qualifying as an interior decorator and perhaps finishing that novel, a year where maybe just maybe I'll meet someone really special...where my friendship with Leah will continue to grow, where my family and friends (and me) will be healthy and happy, where I will really get clear on what I want life post current employer to look like, perhaps I'll even get fit...if I'm lucky, March will offer up a bonus and a well deserved pay rise to get me to the median (although as I said to Sal, $25k won't change my life so even if it isn't forthcoming, I suspect I'll be ok with that...if not initially, eventually)...and November will bring a trip to Canada and thanksgiving with my beautiful friends P.A. and Elliot as well as a shopping trip in downtown NYC...
so, lots to be thankful for really, and hopeful that this time next year I'll be posting about how much I've learned, how happy I am, how successful 2014 was, and how much I'm looking forward to 2015....
ciao!
Saturday, December 14, 2013
no out of work
contact has to be the answer, to avoid what happened tonight happening again....
he manages to find a way to turn everything around to be about him, or worse, talks about work and the same old stuff...repetition seems high up the list of his skills
it's boring, I find him occasionally boring....
so, it's clear what needs to happen...
all good, :)
he manages to find a way to turn everything around to be about him, or worse, talks about work and the same old stuff...repetition seems high up the list of his skills
it's boring, I find him occasionally boring....
so, it's clear what needs to happen...
all good, :)
bit of a set back tonight...
when FC tells me he's taking compassionate leave for yesterday! when I ask why, he says S's father died - not as if she's his girlfriend (or is she, really?) nor that she is family, so technically it doesn't qualify as compassionate leave....
so he gets his knickers in a knot when I tell him this and tells me not to expect anything from him and nor that any of my requests should get special consideration...
even as I type this and as I go back to reading that email I recall that horrible feeling in the stomach - the one I actually haven't had in ages, the one where I feel like i'm responsible and like I've done something wrong...funny, I felt like that a lot when I was with Ben and with Nick...
for some reason when I read his email saying 'don't expect anything from me' I interpreted that in old Sarah speak.........and hence the move towards! fuck, must not get into this stuff with him again! it's simply not helpful...
and tonight, for the first time in ages, I felt it again, and it's not good...and I found myself moving towards...but why? why do I care?
i'm not sure I can answer that - what I am pleased about is that, I didn't stew on it, I told him he'd misunderstood me, we talked about work for the best part of an hour (not exactly how I wanted to spend any of my Saturday night, and funny my lovely cousin had just asked me if he was still around and how I was...and i'd no sooner finished telling her that we hardly ever talk outside of work and that I could no longer see how I could have a relationship with him, than we get into a stupid email where he reacts badly)....
so why does my stomach feel yuk, why do I have that sinking feeling?
funny, coz a couple of things are running through my head:
a) I haven't missed him of late, not having him in my life makes it simpler, less complicated and certainly happier;
b) he isn't right for me
c) I suspect something more than he will admit is going on with S, and whilst that still hurts me, ultimately it's a good thing, coz if it wasn't he might still be taunting me
d) he leads a life I ultimately wouldn't be ok with, the smoking, the drinking, the shagging someone he won't commit to, I hate the way he talks about his parents, he's estranged from his brother (and I shouldn't judge), most of his friends are younger coz i'm sure he's trying to hang on to his youth...
and sure, I liked him, I liked him a lot, but that was the old Sarah, not the nearly 45 (fuck, yes, in 4 weeks I'll be 45....) Sarah, not the Sarah who stood up in front of 200 people the other day and did a great job, not the Sarah who knows she could really change the world if she put her mind to it, not the Sarah who has a clear goal of what her life is going to look like post current employer...
anyway, i'm tired, been up since before 6am and think what I need is a good night sleep....so reality check miss Sarah
- he's been shagging her now for over 2 years
- he's the one with issues, not you
- he's not right for you even if he were available
- you'll be ok
- this is just a blip in the road...
nite x
so he gets his knickers in a knot when I tell him this and tells me not to expect anything from him and nor that any of my requests should get special consideration...
even as I type this and as I go back to reading that email I recall that horrible feeling in the stomach - the one I actually haven't had in ages, the one where I feel like i'm responsible and like I've done something wrong...funny, I felt like that a lot when I was with Ben and with Nick...
for some reason when I read his email saying 'don't expect anything from me' I interpreted that in old Sarah speak.........and hence the move towards! fuck, must not get into this stuff with him again! it's simply not helpful...
and tonight, for the first time in ages, I felt it again, and it's not good...and I found myself moving towards...but why? why do I care?
i'm not sure I can answer that - what I am pleased about is that, I didn't stew on it, I told him he'd misunderstood me, we talked about work for the best part of an hour (not exactly how I wanted to spend any of my Saturday night, and funny my lovely cousin had just asked me if he was still around and how I was...and i'd no sooner finished telling her that we hardly ever talk outside of work and that I could no longer see how I could have a relationship with him, than we get into a stupid email where he reacts badly)....
so why does my stomach feel yuk, why do I have that sinking feeling?
funny, coz a couple of things are running through my head:
a) I haven't missed him of late, not having him in my life makes it simpler, less complicated and certainly happier;
b) he isn't right for me
c) I suspect something more than he will admit is going on with S, and whilst that still hurts me, ultimately it's a good thing, coz if it wasn't he might still be taunting me
d) he leads a life I ultimately wouldn't be ok with, the smoking, the drinking, the shagging someone he won't commit to, I hate the way he talks about his parents, he's estranged from his brother (and I shouldn't judge), most of his friends are younger coz i'm sure he's trying to hang on to his youth...
and sure, I liked him, I liked him a lot, but that was the old Sarah, not the nearly 45 (fuck, yes, in 4 weeks I'll be 45....) Sarah, not the Sarah who stood up in front of 200 people the other day and did a great job, not the Sarah who knows she could really change the world if she put her mind to it, not the Sarah who has a clear goal of what her life is going to look like post current employer...
anyway, i'm tired, been up since before 6am and think what I need is a good night sleep....so reality check miss Sarah
- he's been shagging her now for over 2 years
- he's the one with issues, not you
- he's not right for you even if he were available
- you'll be ok
- this is just a blip in the road...
nite x
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