is what i want to say to the thoughts running through my head
stop
go away
begone
fuck off even
i spent 3 weeks away from it all and now, seems it's all come flooding back - sure it's not as bad, it's not as intense, i'm not as upset, but still it is taking up WAY too much of my time...
so i called the clinical psych who does CBT as i think some additional support (and something different) won't hurt...
of course i'm tired, probably still a bit jet lagged so i shouldn't be too hard on myself...but this morning i feel a bit numb to be honest, and i am really not looking forward to having to see him at work - in fact i wish i never had to see him again...
anyway, naturopath appointment (incl kinesiology) this morning, then a quick cuppa with Leah, tennis this arvo and then a few errands before work tomorrow...
hmmm...yep, feeling pretty numb today! hope it passes soon...
books
books
Monday, October 29, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
letting yourself down....
is way worse than letting someone else down, i think...
yep, it feels crap, and not like it's the first time i've done this...where Nick is concerned...
fuck it! so as i'm in a cab coming home from the airport on friday morning i see him driving in the other direction (of course, not that much of a surprise - it was 8.25am and he does work at the airport) but still, of all the people i should see, cars i should notice, his? really? WTF?
and of course i made some meaning of it: why must i see him? what does the universe want me to think? we're going in different directions (metaphorically - but in reality, that's also true)...
anyway, the worst of it all is that in a moment of utter exhaustion and weakness, i texted him....haven't initiated text with him for over a month and i did - before i knew it i'd constructed a message, sent it and hit send...
fuck! and really, it has not done me any good at all - for half of friday i half expected a response but of course, why would he respond - he's doing his usual shit and why it surprises me i have no idea, i should be well used to it by now...
anyway, am exhausted, although have had a nice few days, but really all i wanted to note was how much i'd let myself down in sending the text, and sure, i shouldn't be so hard on myself, but still, i'm annoyed....
gave him some power in doing so, and that just annoys me....had a good session with Sal where we talked about boundaries and authenticity - more good stuff there to follow i'm sure - seems i think that if i'm not 'open' with everyone about every little thing i think i'm not being authentic and therein lies a BIG problem for me and one that i intend to spend some time thinking about between now and my next sesh with Sal...
yep, funny, he once told me that something i'd shared with him was inappropriate (rubbed me the wrong way when he said it and it still does, but i think i kind of can see it from a different perspective following yesterday's session)...yes, seems that when i don't have boundaries, and share, in a subconscious attempt to be authentic, maybe i am inappropriate...interesting observation!
ok, bed now....nite xx
yep, it feels crap, and not like it's the first time i've done this...where Nick is concerned...
fuck it! so as i'm in a cab coming home from the airport on friday morning i see him driving in the other direction (of course, not that much of a surprise - it was 8.25am and he does work at the airport) but still, of all the people i should see, cars i should notice, his? really? WTF?
and of course i made some meaning of it: why must i see him? what does the universe want me to think? we're going in different directions (metaphorically - but in reality, that's also true)...
anyway, the worst of it all is that in a moment of utter exhaustion and weakness, i texted him....haven't initiated text with him for over a month and i did - before i knew it i'd constructed a message, sent it and hit send...
fuck! and really, it has not done me any good at all - for half of friday i half expected a response but of course, why would he respond - he's doing his usual shit and why it surprises me i have no idea, i should be well used to it by now...
anyway, am exhausted, although have had a nice few days, but really all i wanted to note was how much i'd let myself down in sending the text, and sure, i shouldn't be so hard on myself, but still, i'm annoyed....
gave him some power in doing so, and that just annoys me....had a good session with Sal where we talked about boundaries and authenticity - more good stuff there to follow i'm sure - seems i think that if i'm not 'open' with everyone about every little thing i think i'm not being authentic and therein lies a BIG problem for me and one that i intend to spend some time thinking about between now and my next sesh with Sal...
yep, funny, he once told me that something i'd shared with him was inappropriate (rubbed me the wrong way when he said it and it still does, but i think i kind of can see it from a different perspective following yesterday's session)...yes, seems that when i don't have boundaries, and share, in a subconscious attempt to be authentic, maybe i am inappropriate...interesting observation!
ok, bed now....nite xx
Thursday, October 25, 2012
the long journey home...
yep, today marks 2 weeks since i last posted (seriously, i can't remember a time when i didn't post for 2 whole weeks) and my last day in the big apple...
as i type this i'm sitting in the United lounge at JFK waiting for the long long flight home...in total it'll be 23 hours from JFK to Sydney....and in a way i'm looking forward to it...it represents 23 hours where I can sleep, watch movies and just ponder...
ponder, yes i have lots to ponder on! the holiday (i'll post about that in a minute), how i'm away from work and you know who, what my plans are for the next few months (i always find it's good to have a plan once you get back from a break, otherwise it can feel like there is nothing to look forward to!), the novel (oops, haven't even opened that whilst here...!), friends, family, my little home, getting the bloody tv sorted out (long story), BD, and the fact that November is supposed to be a big month for me in the romantic stakes...wouldn't that be nice!
so, the holiday! not sure where to start...NYC was the perfect destination for this trip...and sure, when i planned it i had no idea i'd be trying to get over someone in coming here, but it was the perfect antidote for a broken heart (which thankfully, had already started to heal by the time i left...)....a city where i actually do feel at home, one where i feel safe, where i love just exploring the many things it has on offer, one where i have friends, where there is theatre, where there are shops, and where funnily enough i feel perfectly ok to be myself!since my very first visit here back in the mid 90's, i felt that way...i remember coming over the George Washington bridge and feeling (even then) like i'd 'arrived', really no other way to describe it - and i still feel the same way - it always feels, in one way or another, like a homecoming of sorts...i wonder why that is?
so, what have i done? well i took a walk/run in Central Park (had never done that before), was good - only downside was the rain (i got back looking like a drowned rat!)....i went to Woodbury Commons (and sure I've done that before too but it's been 15 years since I did...was ok, would have been nice to go with a friend and i was still very jet lagged, but nonetheless, i got some good bargains, and picked up the Coach wristlet for Laurel for a song!), i've been to the theatre not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times and saw 4 great shows (An Enemy of the People, Grace with Paul Rudd, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (yes, I know I've seen it before but it's my favourite) and Heiress, which was good - was hoping for a happy ending but it wasn't to be! i saw the America Ballet Theatre with Anita (she got me onto the ballet last time i was here and i truly do enjoy it)....I went upstate and spent 4 lovely days and nights with P.A. and Elliot...went to Skaneatles, a college football game (Cornell won!), spent some time with Sarah, Jed and the boys, had hibachi (teppanyaki) dinner with a bunch of their friends (a very funny night) and spent some time sitting around chatting and drinking tea...truly a great time, as it always is...there's something about good friends, they become even more precious as one gets older and you start to realise just how precious life is...i cried when i said goodbye to P.A. and as I hugged her I hoped it wouldn't be the last time i would get to do that....
so then back to the city for my 2nd stint and i decided to change it up and moved a bit further downtown to Times Square, which was actually kinda cool - vibrant, busy, plenty going on and much nearer to the shows! did even more shopping (I know right?), spent the weekend with cousin Alison who managed a perfectly timed work trip to the big apple so we could shop together....her visit also included a highlight of my trip: dinner at Balthazar...omg the food was amazing - i can honestly say i've never had a better risotto than i had there (which is a big call as I make a very good risotto myself!)...this one, was pancetta, marscapone and pea...absolutely delicious! if you haven't been and you like french food, then Balthazar is a must when in NYC...I'll be going back!
Alison Rodgers can certainly shop and she introduced me to Crate & Barrel...sure, I've been there before, but there's nothing like seeing something through someone else's eyes to make you see it in a different light! we spent 2 days walking, shopping, eating and catching up - was lovely...so glad we could make it work!
then Monday night dinner with Anita and Sam (my treat to thank them for looking after me) and we went to the Palm - formerly Parma (italian)...OMG, another beautiful meal - we had a great waitress (that really does have a big impact on the dining experience) and the food was delectable - i had carpaccio to start (always a favourite and it was absolutely divine there) and then veal martini (which was veal cooked in white wine, mushrooms, shallots, tomatoes and sun dried tomatoes - delicious...)...not one to give up dessert, I had a 7 layer chocolate cake with fresh raspberries - it beat me, but it was delish!
dinner with Johnno last night before my last show - he's good! moved here, got a job, having fun and it was so nice to see him looking happy and relaxed and finally comfortable with himself...
some days i just savoured the city and walked for what seemed like hours on end with no particular aim in mind...new york really is a city for walking and there were only a handful of occasions where i caught the subway or a cab....Alison and I got sucked in to getting one of those bike pulled cabs in the city - to go about 8 blocks it cost us, wait for it, $56...can you believe that? isn't that a tourist trap waiting to happen...oh well, have done it now and it was kind of fun...especially since between us we had about 15 bags of shopping at the time!
and as i sit here typing this, looking out over one of the runways at JFK, i cannot believe that i'm heading home today...i had toyed with the idea (before i left) of making contact with companies re the possibility of transferring here...but my work at work (so to speak) isn't done yet, and i have a six month notice period (groan) so really, it's not an ideal time for me to be thinking about leaving...
and, as much as it would be nice to be in a work environment where there was no Nick, it would also mean turning my back on so many other positives...and there are many: a job i love, a team i adore and who i really enjoy working with, many challenges to be sorted out, financial security the likes of which i have never had before, a place of work that i love and going there everyday is still exciting (in fact when i arrive home i'll be at that place of work!), loads of people who i really enjoy the company of (it's true, i've made some good friends there), BD (more on him later).....yes, i really am blessed, and it seems that Nick has certainly taken the shine off those things at times, but they remain and my job now is to remind myself of all the many many positives about this job....
so i'm going back.....i'm not sure i thought i'd be 'different' or changed, or even altered by the time this holiday came to it's end, as really, it's only been 3 weeks, but i do feel better...i have had only 1 bad day (emotionally) in the whole time i've been here which is good, and also, interesting, as before i left i had convinced myself that the 'bad days' were related to my hormones and nothing else? perhaps the routine of taking the herbs and the remifeminin every day (religiously) has actually stabilised them? or perhaps not having to see or talk to Nick for 3 weeks has been a welcome relief? not sure, but i hope that my good mood continues once home....
so Nick! well, it's been interesting...i haven't heard from him which has been good mostly...sure there's a small part of me that hoped he would miss me so much he felt compelled to make contact, but i knew that was never going to happen....sure as i blow dried my hair this morning i had a thought (or was it a daydream?) that he would call me once home, invite me to dinner and confess his undying love...and no sooner had i had this thought than i just shook my head...self, i said, this man hurt you and strung you along, and never really gave you his heart or committed himself to being with you - why oh why would you consider taking him back? and i'm not sure i would...sure, in the fantasy it might be that it's the idea of him rather than him (yes him - the often awkward, rarely emotionally available, rarely emotionally expressive, closed, smoking, nicer when drunk him)...
yep, really gotta close the book on him and start a new chapter...i like the sound of that! he could be a chapter in a book - perhaps a few, but frankly, not the sorts of ones that end well!
so, sure i'm not changed, or altered or different in any material way but it has been great to have a break from my life - and i actually do have an amazingly good life, but still, we all have our crosses to bear and seems for most of 2012, he was mine...but 2013 is fast approaching and between now and then there is plenty to look forward to:
ciao!
as i type this i'm sitting in the United lounge at JFK waiting for the long long flight home...in total it'll be 23 hours from JFK to Sydney....and in a way i'm looking forward to it...it represents 23 hours where I can sleep, watch movies and just ponder...
ponder, yes i have lots to ponder on! the holiday (i'll post about that in a minute), how i'm away from work and you know who, what my plans are for the next few months (i always find it's good to have a plan once you get back from a break, otherwise it can feel like there is nothing to look forward to!), the novel (oops, haven't even opened that whilst here...!), friends, family, my little home, getting the bloody tv sorted out (long story), BD, and the fact that November is supposed to be a big month for me in the romantic stakes...wouldn't that be nice!
so, the holiday! not sure where to start...NYC was the perfect destination for this trip...and sure, when i planned it i had no idea i'd be trying to get over someone in coming here, but it was the perfect antidote for a broken heart (which thankfully, had already started to heal by the time i left...)....a city where i actually do feel at home, one where i feel safe, where i love just exploring the many things it has on offer, one where i have friends, where there is theatre, where there are shops, and where funnily enough i feel perfectly ok to be myself!since my very first visit here back in the mid 90's, i felt that way...i remember coming over the George Washington bridge and feeling (even then) like i'd 'arrived', really no other way to describe it - and i still feel the same way - it always feels, in one way or another, like a homecoming of sorts...i wonder why that is?
so, what have i done? well i took a walk/run in Central Park (had never done that before), was good - only downside was the rain (i got back looking like a drowned rat!)....i went to Woodbury Commons (and sure I've done that before too but it's been 15 years since I did...was ok, would have been nice to go with a friend and i was still very jet lagged, but nonetheless, i got some good bargains, and picked up the Coach wristlet for Laurel for a song!), i've been to the theatre not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times and saw 4 great shows (An Enemy of the People, Grace with Paul Rudd, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (yes, I know I've seen it before but it's my favourite) and Heiress, which was good - was hoping for a happy ending but it wasn't to be! i saw the America Ballet Theatre with Anita (she got me onto the ballet last time i was here and i truly do enjoy it)....I went upstate and spent 4 lovely days and nights with P.A. and Elliot...went to Skaneatles, a college football game (Cornell won!), spent some time with Sarah, Jed and the boys, had hibachi (teppanyaki) dinner with a bunch of their friends (a very funny night) and spent some time sitting around chatting and drinking tea...truly a great time, as it always is...there's something about good friends, they become even more precious as one gets older and you start to realise just how precious life is...i cried when i said goodbye to P.A. and as I hugged her I hoped it wouldn't be the last time i would get to do that....
so then back to the city for my 2nd stint and i decided to change it up and moved a bit further downtown to Times Square, which was actually kinda cool - vibrant, busy, plenty going on and much nearer to the shows! did even more shopping (I know right?), spent the weekend with cousin Alison who managed a perfectly timed work trip to the big apple so we could shop together....her visit also included a highlight of my trip: dinner at Balthazar...omg the food was amazing - i can honestly say i've never had a better risotto than i had there (which is a big call as I make a very good risotto myself!)...this one, was pancetta, marscapone and pea...absolutely delicious! if you haven't been and you like french food, then Balthazar is a must when in NYC...I'll be going back!
Alison Rodgers can certainly shop and she introduced me to Crate & Barrel...sure, I've been there before, but there's nothing like seeing something through someone else's eyes to make you see it in a different light! we spent 2 days walking, shopping, eating and catching up - was lovely...so glad we could make it work!
then Monday night dinner with Anita and Sam (my treat to thank them for looking after me) and we went to the Palm - formerly Parma (italian)...OMG, another beautiful meal - we had a great waitress (that really does have a big impact on the dining experience) and the food was delectable - i had carpaccio to start (always a favourite and it was absolutely divine there) and then veal martini (which was veal cooked in white wine, mushrooms, shallots, tomatoes and sun dried tomatoes - delicious...)...not one to give up dessert, I had a 7 layer chocolate cake with fresh raspberries - it beat me, but it was delish!
dinner with Johnno last night before my last show - he's good! moved here, got a job, having fun and it was so nice to see him looking happy and relaxed and finally comfortable with himself...
some days i just savoured the city and walked for what seemed like hours on end with no particular aim in mind...new york really is a city for walking and there were only a handful of occasions where i caught the subway or a cab....Alison and I got sucked in to getting one of those bike pulled cabs in the city - to go about 8 blocks it cost us, wait for it, $56...can you believe that? isn't that a tourist trap waiting to happen...oh well, have done it now and it was kind of fun...especially since between us we had about 15 bags of shopping at the time!
and as i sit here typing this, looking out over one of the runways at JFK, i cannot believe that i'm heading home today...i had toyed with the idea (before i left) of making contact with companies re the possibility of transferring here...but my work at work (so to speak) isn't done yet, and i have a six month notice period (groan) so really, it's not an ideal time for me to be thinking about leaving...
and, as much as it would be nice to be in a work environment where there was no Nick, it would also mean turning my back on so many other positives...and there are many: a job i love, a team i adore and who i really enjoy working with, many challenges to be sorted out, financial security the likes of which i have never had before, a place of work that i love and going there everyday is still exciting (in fact when i arrive home i'll be at that place of work!), loads of people who i really enjoy the company of (it's true, i've made some good friends there), BD (more on him later).....yes, i really am blessed, and it seems that Nick has certainly taken the shine off those things at times, but they remain and my job now is to remind myself of all the many many positives about this job....
so i'm going back.....i'm not sure i thought i'd be 'different' or changed, or even altered by the time this holiday came to it's end, as really, it's only been 3 weeks, but i do feel better...i have had only 1 bad day (emotionally) in the whole time i've been here which is good, and also, interesting, as before i left i had convinced myself that the 'bad days' were related to my hormones and nothing else? perhaps the routine of taking the herbs and the remifeminin every day (religiously) has actually stabilised them? or perhaps not having to see or talk to Nick for 3 weeks has been a welcome relief? not sure, but i hope that my good mood continues once home....
so Nick! well, it's been interesting...i haven't heard from him which has been good mostly...sure there's a small part of me that hoped he would miss me so much he felt compelled to make contact, but i knew that was never going to happen....sure as i blow dried my hair this morning i had a thought (or was it a daydream?) that he would call me once home, invite me to dinner and confess his undying love...and no sooner had i had this thought than i just shook my head...self, i said, this man hurt you and strung you along, and never really gave you his heart or committed himself to being with you - why oh why would you consider taking him back? and i'm not sure i would...sure, in the fantasy it might be that it's the idea of him rather than him (yes him - the often awkward, rarely emotionally available, rarely emotionally expressive, closed, smoking, nicer when drunk him)...
yep, really gotta close the book on him and start a new chapter...i like the sound of that! he could be a chapter in a book - perhaps a few, but frankly, not the sorts of ones that end well!
so, sure i'm not changed, or altered or different in any material way but it has been great to have a break from my life - and i actually do have an amazingly good life, but still, we all have our crosses to bear and seems for most of 2012, he was mine...but 2013 is fast approaching and between now and then there is plenty to look forward to:
- nanowrimo which starts in a little over a week: question is, will i willingly sign up to do it all again?
- visit from sam and dan and a coldplay concert in early november (cool)
- catching up with girlfriends who i have missed whilst i've been away
- christmas and the lead up to it
- dating (yes, IJL got in touch last week and so i thought i'd give it another go)
- my birthday and another trip to Coffs to see Kirst
ciao!
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
jetlag begone...
OMG i am sooo over the jetlag - this trip it seems to have hung around for way longer than usual...
good news is, largely, it has not stopped me doing what i want, i'm just exhausted and look a bit haggard (which of course doesn't make me happy, and it plays around with my confidence...
with all the other crap of the last coupla years, i guess it's just one more thing that makes me feel not good enough and old...
anyway, early night for me tonight, after a long day up at Woodbury - got some good bargains...
tomorrow a show with Anita and Sam, Thursday another one, then Friday, I fly to Ithaca for 4 days with PA and Elliot - cannot wait!
so, bonsoir...
good news is, largely, it has not stopped me doing what i want, i'm just exhausted and look a bit haggard (which of course doesn't make me happy, and it plays around with my confidence...
with all the other crap of the last coupla years, i guess it's just one more thing that makes me feel not good enough and old...
anyway, early night for me tonight, after a long day up at Woodbury - got some good bargains...
tomorrow a show with Anita and Sam, Thursday another one, then Friday, I fly to Ithaca for 4 days with PA and Elliot - cannot wait!
so, bonsoir...
Monday, October 8, 2012
inevitable...
i guess, that in a jet lagged induced state and with a grey old day, i might have a momentary sense of feeling sad about Nick
and sure, it's been days since i have had a shocker (thankfully)...
and it wasn't bad, but in eating turkey i realised that he told me a while ago that he'd gone healthy in one of his two daily sandwiches (yes, seriously) and switched to turkey...
and then in something of a catastrophic 'leap' i had visions of him with SF (girl who used to work at ours but left some time ago)...and sure i know him and her are friends, have been for ages, and sure he told me nothing was going on with her, but i wonder if she's the 'one' he was 'casually' sleeping with way back when?
anyway, it doesn't really matter...well that's the view i'd like to be taking...
and honestly, it doesn't! sure, there was a time when i really wanted to have a relationship with him, but really, we have very little in common - sure we have lots of little things in common, but i don't think our 'plans' for life were aligned...and i suspect, although he never said it, he wanted kids and perhaps had a feeling it was too late for me?
on the plus side, i bought the most gorgeous white gold and diamond butterfly bracelet today and i flirted shamelessly with both of the sales guys (altho one of them started it)....was nice to feel attractive, and funny and i also bought a beautiful amethyst ring with other stones - yes yes, i know i already have 2 amethysts (only one of which i wear on a regular basis) but this was $299 down from $1,200 so really, i couldn't exactly leave it in the store?
funny, i saw they had a sale on yesterday when i walked by but it was closed, so went there today and the first thing i saw in the window was the butterfly bracelet which just caught my eye - no sooner than it was on my wrist, it simply didn't come off! guess you could say it was meant to be...
i did a lot of walking today, including a run/walk round Central Park in the rain (not how i envisioned my first ever exercise outing here)....luckily it was a hair wash day so nothing lost...
my plan is to try and exercise 5 days a week whilst i'm here, and sure exercise sounds like something you'd do at home not on holidays, but i love the feeling after exercise and given my mental health before i left, i think it'll help keep me in the happiest holiday frame of mind...not to mention, i really need to lose some weight! i'm a 10 over here when most people seem to be a 4 or a 6 :-( and it's not like i feel fat, but i could def do with losing 5 - 7 kgs....
haven't written a single word yet, but i guess i have plenty of time (maybe!) to get around to that...and there's always NaNoWriMo in November if i don't finish it here...funny, even though i haven't felt much like writing yet, the set up isn't ideal! Fred, one of the concierges here, told me i need to relocate to a Best Western in order to write as one needs to be unhappy and it's hard to be unhappy at the Dream...ha! he also said i should check out the Dream downtown which is new...maybe I'll change it up and stay somewhere different for my 2nd stint in the city?
big decision! probably the biggest decision i'm gonna have to make...
so, forward plans as follows:
- tomorrow: hopefully seeing Phil and/or Anita & Sam
- 9th: the long awaited trip to Woodbury Commons (as if I need to spend more money)
- 10th: Enemy of the People with Anita (during day I'm thinking something cultural!)
- 11th: Grace in the evening (daytime, not sure...)
- 12th - 16th: heading upstate to visit my dear friends P.A. and Elliot
- 17th: matinee performance of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
- 18th: ballet with Anita
- 19th - 21st: cousin Alison in NYC (very excited)
- 22nd: unsure
- 23rd: Heiress in the evening
- 24th: no doubt packing and saying au revoir to my friends
yep, not sure when i'm going to be fitting any writing into that schedule and of course I haven't mentioned going to Macy's, Saks, Gugg, MOMA and a handful of other places...hmmmm, oh and I haven't even made my appointment at the Red Door yet!
maybe 3 weeks isn't actually enough? maybe, maybe i should move here so i have heaps of time to check it all out?
and amongst all that probably won't get to a live Yankees game, which is kinda sad but at least i'll get to see it on tv (if i'm in)...
anyway, having fun so far - haven't given work a 2nd thought really, and will do my darnedest not to...i'm on vacation after all! nite x
and sure, it's been days since i have had a shocker (thankfully)...
and it wasn't bad, but in eating turkey i realised that he told me a while ago that he'd gone healthy in one of his two daily sandwiches (yes, seriously) and switched to turkey...
and then in something of a catastrophic 'leap' i had visions of him with SF (girl who used to work at ours but left some time ago)...and sure i know him and her are friends, have been for ages, and sure he told me nothing was going on with her, but i wonder if she's the 'one' he was 'casually' sleeping with way back when?
anyway, it doesn't really matter...well that's the view i'd like to be taking...
and honestly, it doesn't! sure, there was a time when i really wanted to have a relationship with him, but really, we have very little in common - sure we have lots of little things in common, but i don't think our 'plans' for life were aligned...and i suspect, although he never said it, he wanted kids and perhaps had a feeling it was too late for me?
on the plus side, i bought the most gorgeous white gold and diamond butterfly bracelet today and i flirted shamelessly with both of the sales guys (altho one of them started it)....was nice to feel attractive, and funny and i also bought a beautiful amethyst ring with other stones - yes yes, i know i already have 2 amethysts (only one of which i wear on a regular basis) but this was $299 down from $1,200 so really, i couldn't exactly leave it in the store?
funny, i saw they had a sale on yesterday when i walked by but it was closed, so went there today and the first thing i saw in the window was the butterfly bracelet which just caught my eye - no sooner than it was on my wrist, it simply didn't come off! guess you could say it was meant to be...
i did a lot of walking today, including a run/walk round Central Park in the rain (not how i envisioned my first ever exercise outing here)....luckily it was a hair wash day so nothing lost...
my plan is to try and exercise 5 days a week whilst i'm here, and sure exercise sounds like something you'd do at home not on holidays, but i love the feeling after exercise and given my mental health before i left, i think it'll help keep me in the happiest holiday frame of mind...not to mention, i really need to lose some weight! i'm a 10 over here when most people seem to be a 4 or a 6 :-( and it's not like i feel fat, but i could def do with losing 5 - 7 kgs....
haven't written a single word yet, but i guess i have plenty of time (maybe!) to get around to that...and there's always NaNoWriMo in November if i don't finish it here...funny, even though i haven't felt much like writing yet, the set up isn't ideal! Fred, one of the concierges here, told me i need to relocate to a Best Western in order to write as one needs to be unhappy and it's hard to be unhappy at the Dream...ha! he also said i should check out the Dream downtown which is new...maybe I'll change it up and stay somewhere different for my 2nd stint in the city?
big decision! probably the biggest decision i'm gonna have to make...
so, forward plans as follows:
- tomorrow: hopefully seeing Phil and/or Anita & Sam
- 9th: the long awaited trip to Woodbury Commons (as if I need to spend more money)
- 10th: Enemy of the People with Anita (during day I'm thinking something cultural!)
- 11th: Grace in the evening (daytime, not sure...)
- 12th - 16th: heading upstate to visit my dear friends P.A. and Elliot
- 17th: matinee performance of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
- 18th: ballet with Anita
- 19th - 21st: cousin Alison in NYC (very excited)
- 22nd: unsure
- 23rd: Heiress in the evening
- 24th: no doubt packing and saying au revoir to my friends
yep, not sure when i'm going to be fitting any writing into that schedule and of course I haven't mentioned going to Macy's, Saks, Gugg, MOMA and a handful of other places...hmmmm, oh and I haven't even made my appointment at the Red Door yet!
maybe 3 weeks isn't actually enough? maybe, maybe i should move here so i have heaps of time to check it all out?
and amongst all that probably won't get to a live Yankees game, which is kinda sad but at least i'll get to see it on tv (if i'm in)...
anyway, having fun so far - haven't given work a 2nd thought really, and will do my darnedest not to...i'm on vacation after all! nite x
Sunday, October 7, 2012
shopped out or jet lagged?
jet lagged more like it, seriously! cannot sleep for the life of me, and that might not seem such a big deal but it is 2.40am!
oh well....don't have to get up in the morning and first day i need to be up is Tuesday, and that's a 10am start, so will probably be ok...
it's soo nice to be on holiday! nice not to think about work, not to have to get up, not to have to do anything or be anywhere unless i feel like it...
free to just wander the streets and do what i feel like, loving it!
even found myself thinking that it was a good thing things with Nick and I didn't work out - doubt he would enjoy the sort of holiday i enjoy!
so, all good really....
just need some sleep!
oh well....don't have to get up in the morning and first day i need to be up is Tuesday, and that's a 10am start, so will probably be ok...
it's soo nice to be on holiday! nice not to think about work, not to have to get up, not to have to do anything or be anywhere unless i feel like it...
free to just wander the streets and do what i feel like, loving it!
even found myself thinking that it was a good thing things with Nick and I didn't work out - doubt he would enjoy the sort of holiday i enjoy!
so, all good really....
just need some sleep!
Saturday, October 6, 2012
stateside...
so i'm here! well i'm not in NYC yet, but in the United Lounge in San Fran waiting for my next flight, but i'm here..finally!
and loving free wifi - can honestly say i have NEVER used before but this is fabulous! if only work had got global roaming working i'd be fully operational - oh well!
so it's been an interesting week....work was mad busy in the lead up to the trip, things have settled down post the blog incident of the other week, the friendship with BD seems to have stepped up a bit and he came to see me off yesterday (sweet)....things with Nick seem back on an even keel and honestly i think i might just be over him....
and today marks my 4th day in a row of feeling good post the hormonally induced 'low' (sounds like a weather pattern) of the last few weeks...phew! would have been a complete nightmare to have to endure feeling like that during my holiday...
so, i'm here, i'm excited, i'm a wee bit tired and looking forward to my 3 week break in the best city in the world....
bring it on!
and loving free wifi - can honestly say i have NEVER used before but this is fabulous! if only work had got global roaming working i'd be fully operational - oh well!
so it's been an interesting week....work was mad busy in the lead up to the trip, things have settled down post the blog incident of the other week, the friendship with BD seems to have stepped up a bit and he came to see me off yesterday (sweet)....things with Nick seem back on an even keel and honestly i think i might just be over him....
and today marks my 4th day in a row of feeling good post the hormonally induced 'low' (sounds like a weather pattern) of the last few weeks...phew! would have been a complete nightmare to have to endure feeling like that during my holiday...
so, i'm here, i'm excited, i'm a wee bit tired and looking forward to my 3 week break in the best city in the world....
bring it on!
Monday, October 1, 2012
for the first time since
Nick broke up with me, i feel good, really really good, and happy! seems the blog discovery last weekend may well have been the kick up the arse i needed to really put him behind me....and sure, seeing him last sunday was not good for me, but maybe i did it because subconsciously i knew it would be the last time we caught up in a non work capacity....in fact, i am ready to actually not talk to him at all...and sure i liked him, a lot, but reality is he treated me very badly and hurt me deeply, so i'm not sure why i have spent so much time pandering to his needs, and putting how he might feel if i cut him off ahead of my own needs and feelings? dumb really....
anyhoo, i feel good! i also feel good that i have identified that i think the issues of my unhappiness and so called 'small depressive' episode of the other month, are in fact related to my peri menopause hormonal swings and in reality, very little to do with him...sure, the end of that relationship contributed to my unhappiness but i think the 'unhinged' episodes are hormonally induced even though i mistakenly thought they were about Nick....
truth is, i did like him, i wanted things between us to work out, but in reality, i knew they wouldn't and i knew that from the get go...funny how hope and hormones can be a bad combination, well for me anyway!
anyway, i'm happy....had a great day saturday, a so so day yesterday and a great day today! had a nice afternoon, evening and morning with mum and dad (despite Dogs losing to the Storm, who were the better team on the day)....and then i had lunch with BD....
hmmm BD, lovely lovely bloke.....kissed me on the cheek hello (it's funny, i don't really want to make a comparison to Nick, but he's someone who's actually comfortable with himself, emotionally available, expressive and nice...and most importantly, makes me feel good about myself)...
i so enjoyed our time together - wasn't sure how it would go - we've been friends at work for months but today was our first out of work catch up....it was lovely! easy, comfortable, we laughed, sat in the sun lunching and drinking after a quick drive in Georgie, then he came back to mine to fix up the towel rail...we had tea, chatted about books, tarot, my novel, my nephew, cricket etc....
really really nice way to spend a public holiday monday afternoon...
then a chat with Leah, then drink and dinner with VA - i had a sense when he made contact with me a few weeks ago that he was going thru some relationship difficulties, i was right - him and the gf broke up a couple of weeks ago...had a lovely evening with him - it's been FAR too long since i saw him...
so, really, a lovely lovely day and a perfect day to end a long weekend...i really am very blessed, and whilst i don't want to jinx myself, i actually feel as though i have turned a corner today.....finally able to put the Nick stuff behind me - BD said to me today that it frustrates him to see me blame myself for what he did - you're intelligent, beautiful, funny etc and yet because he didn't want to be in a relationship, you make it about you - it's not....you know what? he's absolutely right....
funny too, in that i've never been one of those girls who gets over one bloke by getting interested in another - nope, never done that, and i don't think i'm doing that now, but it sure was nice to hang out with BD.....
also, he said something that made me do a double take and i'm not going to analyse it to death, but i just remembered it as i was typing....he said he thought the break in nyc would do me the world of good and when i got back i'd be happy and firing and the 'old Sarah', and that he would be wondering why he hadn't snapped me up sooner...
hmmm, no idea what to make of that - probably nothing, but anyway it's nice to hang out with someone who can easily and comfortably express himself...
sooo tonight i'm going to bed smiling and feeling very grateful for all of the lovely people in my life...i'll miss him when i'm gone but since he's installed viber today, we'll be able to chat whilst i'm away....
afternoon ended with a big hug and a kiss - yep, i like this man...right now he's a lovely friend who i enjoy spending time with and it's nice to get to know him....
smiling! smiling, and in 4 sleeps, 3 weeks in my favourite city! it's suddenly looking up and very bright....
yay!
anyhoo, i feel good! i also feel good that i have identified that i think the issues of my unhappiness and so called 'small depressive' episode of the other month, are in fact related to my peri menopause hormonal swings and in reality, very little to do with him...sure, the end of that relationship contributed to my unhappiness but i think the 'unhinged' episodes are hormonally induced even though i mistakenly thought they were about Nick....
truth is, i did like him, i wanted things between us to work out, but in reality, i knew they wouldn't and i knew that from the get go...funny how hope and hormones can be a bad combination, well for me anyway!
anyway, i'm happy....had a great day saturday, a so so day yesterday and a great day today! had a nice afternoon, evening and morning with mum and dad (despite Dogs losing to the Storm, who were the better team on the day)....and then i had lunch with BD....
hmmm BD, lovely lovely bloke.....kissed me on the cheek hello (it's funny, i don't really want to make a comparison to Nick, but he's someone who's actually comfortable with himself, emotionally available, expressive and nice...and most importantly, makes me feel good about myself)...
i so enjoyed our time together - wasn't sure how it would go - we've been friends at work for months but today was our first out of work catch up....it was lovely! easy, comfortable, we laughed, sat in the sun lunching and drinking after a quick drive in Georgie, then he came back to mine to fix up the towel rail...we had tea, chatted about books, tarot, my novel, my nephew, cricket etc....
really really nice way to spend a public holiday monday afternoon...
then a chat with Leah, then drink and dinner with VA - i had a sense when he made contact with me a few weeks ago that he was going thru some relationship difficulties, i was right - him and the gf broke up a couple of weeks ago...had a lovely evening with him - it's been FAR too long since i saw him...
so, really, a lovely lovely day and a perfect day to end a long weekend...i really am very blessed, and whilst i don't want to jinx myself, i actually feel as though i have turned a corner today.....finally able to put the Nick stuff behind me - BD said to me today that it frustrates him to see me blame myself for what he did - you're intelligent, beautiful, funny etc and yet because he didn't want to be in a relationship, you make it about you - it's not....you know what? he's absolutely right....
funny too, in that i've never been one of those girls who gets over one bloke by getting interested in another - nope, never done that, and i don't think i'm doing that now, but it sure was nice to hang out with BD.....
also, he said something that made me do a double take and i'm not going to analyse it to death, but i just remembered it as i was typing....he said he thought the break in nyc would do me the world of good and when i got back i'd be happy and firing and the 'old Sarah', and that he would be wondering why he hadn't snapped me up sooner...
hmmm, no idea what to make of that - probably nothing, but anyway it's nice to hang out with someone who can easily and comfortably express himself...
sooo tonight i'm going to bed smiling and feeling very grateful for all of the lovely people in my life...i'll miss him when i'm gone but since he's installed viber today, we'll be able to chat whilst i'm away....
afternoon ended with a big hug and a kiss - yep, i like this man...right now he's a lovely friend who i enjoy spending time with and it's nice to get to know him....
smiling! smiling, and in 4 sleeps, 3 weeks in my favourite city! it's suddenly looking up and very bright....
yay!
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