how long has it been since i had a

genuine saturday night date? a while....

so, following the holiday i promised myself i would 'get out there' a bit...you know, not expect that i could meet a man by doing nothing...and sure, that would work if i would consider dating anyone at work again, but after the horror experience with Nick, well that's just not gonna happen...not only is there my reputation to protect, but my delicate little heart which is only just over the hurt of earlier this year...

so a couple of weeks ago i signed up for a speed dating event and i wasn't 100% sure that it was a good idea, nor that i'd enjoy it, nor that i might meet anyone i'd want to see again, but i figured it was a good way to dip my toes in the water and get into the groove...

so, tuesday night, i drive into town, mentally gear myself up, although i was soooo tired (having been awake since 4.30am) that honestly, i just thought, do it, then you can go to bed...

met about 4 - 5 men i thought 'sure, i could see you again', so ticked their boxes (that has a vaguely sexual ring to it, but it's how the whole process works, the if there is mutual ticking of boxes, they send you the email address of those the next day)....

as i left, having had one amazing conversation with a bloke who i thought, yep you are definitely the pick of the bunch, i see him standing outside...by that time it was pissing down raining, so we chatted under cover for a little while then made our way to our respective cars - not after he'd said he wishes he'd had an umbrella so he could walk me to my car, or that if his car were closer, that he'd drive me...and not before asking for my number....

we exchanged numbers, he asked me who would call who - i was a bit cheeky and suggested as he was the bloke, he should...

so, last night i get home after a long day (seems this week has been full of long and stressful days but at least the colleague of last week who upset me is playing nicely this week, with me anyway - not with other peers and not with his staff, well not according to Nick) and there is a text asking me if i would like to have drinks and/or dinner with him friday...

few texts back and forth, coz of course i'm not free friday night, and we land on saturday night - prime real estate (as he referred to it)...

so, anyway, i think it could be a really nice evening - smart smart guy, kinda cute, refined, funny, creative, successful, seems to be able to enquire how i am in text conversations and is clearly a gentleman...all good!

so, saturday night is date night.....yay!

a step in the

right direction is probably what i did today but it feels kinda weird...

i feel a bit sad, a bit empty and i guess weird...but in my head (and whilst i'm reluctant to admit it, probably in my heart too) i know it was the right thing to do...still, i feel a bit lost

so a coupla weeks ago Nick offered to come and sort of my universal remote once the new telly arrived...initially i didn't respond but last weekend in the middle of my post CFO meeting which went pear shaped meltdown, i reached out to Nick and asked him if he'd come fix it....

so we made plans for this coming Sunday - yes, i know right - what was i thinking? Sunday was always our night and almost as soon as i'd agreed the date with him i realised that it probably wasn't a good idea

the last thing i need right now, when i'm finally back on my feet, is to start thinking about 'what if', or to feel even remotely inclined to fall back into the old pattern with him...and i've only just cleansed the house of him (well i think i have), so really, inviting him back into my home just didn't really seem well advised...

and so, after a couple of days of contemplation, i simply told him that i could no longer do sunday but thx.....in typical Nick fashion his response is simply 'ok'....

and so i think we refer to this as an ending, a closure, but perhaps, really what it is, is a new start, a new beginning and the chance for something else to enter my life....

so whilst i'm a little sad, feel like it really is the end, it also feels good, i feel good that i've taken control...

now if that quiet nagging voice would stop, it'd all be good!

nite....

ps in other news, i have a date saturday!

are we friends now?

so i'm not sure i even know if i know the answer to this question, but are we?

i'm not sure to be honest, but it seems as though there has a been a shift, a definite shift....

so, last week he offered to redo my universal remote if i made him risotto, after a long chat one night he says 'night x'...of course i challenged him on this as i actually think, after everything, he would see how wrong this is....then he asked me if i was free for lunch so we could talk about 'how we are supposed to be with each other', but i declined as i actually didn't want to have the chat....

and we haven't had the chat, and that's ok....i actually listened to something he said ages ago which was that it would all work itself out....and i think it probably has...

so, he is coming over sunday to do the remote, i guess i'll make us dinner, and shit, really? i'm not entirely sure that's a good idea, on the other hand, perhaps it is closure of some sort...a final chapter as it were?

dunno really....i oscillate between feeling completely ok with the idea that we could be friends and at other times i fondly long for things to be as they were (although that can't be right, as mostly, things were shit....i never knew where i stood and was mostly miserable and hanging on for any crumb he might throw my way)....and then there's the times when i remember that i don't think he'd actually be a good friend?

so, i have absolutely no idea: no idea if we could be friends, no idea if we are friends, no idea if i want to be friends with him and slightly more than no idea about whether or no i should go ahead with sunday...

plenty to think about!

seems being in my head

is not really serving me right now...

so it really was a big week at work, and big does not necessarily equate to good - lots of 'feedback' conversations with one member of my team, a team discussion where i expressed my discontent at some of my priorities which just weren't a priority for them, me feeling a bit 'bad' that i'd let my frustration bubble over into something not quite as constructive as i'd like, but of course i'm big enough to say sorry and make amends (this is something i love about myself even though i'd prefer not to have to make apologies, but i'm human, so occasionally it's gonna happen), then following my previous feedback to 'new guy' and feedback from our boss to him he emailed to say he'd like to catch up and one item to talk about was our work relationship - so i was excited and hopeful and in some way thinking that he must have had some time to reflect on the impact he's been having (not just on me as it turns out but on a broader audience, including his own team, most of whom think he's a complete and utter dickhead)....

so i go to meeting, he's late (this seems typical) and there's me sort of hoping for an apology from him, or at the least an acknowledgement that perhaps he hasn't being playing nicely, but noooo what i get is what feels like both barrels and him saying there are some 'serious issues on both sides'....fuck, didn't see that coming.  so what ensued was in parts a heated discussion, at times me sharing my perspective on things with him (about how my boss likes to run things, why i'm there etc etc) and i'm certain i probably will end up regretting being so candid with him...there were a few moments were he seemed to have understood the feedback he was given by our boss (and i essentially knew what would be said as she spent an hour on the phone with me preparing for the conversation with him - that's my job after all)...but seriously, it could not have gone worse even if i'd imagined it....i think he still has NO clue about how he comes across, despite myself, another colleague and our boss giving him feedback....and to make matters worse i am certain he is a pathological liar - not once but twice he has lied to me which makes me think that perhaps FC is right (he thinks he's mentally imbalanced!) and that i'm on a hiding to nothing - because no matter what the truth is, he'll find a way to create his own version of the truth which he will stick to....

frankly, it's a nightmare and one i don't want to be dealing with, but what alternative have i got? worse thing is that he said that him and all of his direct reports find dealing with my team an obstacle and that we all pretty much always say no....that is complete and utter bullshit, especially given how hard we have worked to build a relationship with them and assist in cleaning up some of their crap - still, i'll take on the feedback and look within myself to see if i have contributed to this and if i can do things differently going forward, but it occurs to me that i have been in this job for 16 months, and worked for our boss, for nearly a year before that, that she hand picked me into this role and in the time we've worked together she has never taken me aside and given me the sort of feedback she had to give him...and yes, i have had the sort of typical relationship forming challenges that is typical in my role (after all, a lot of the time i'm there to give the bad news), and yes i've had some heart to hearts with colleagues so we can move forward - but none because people have complained to her about me...which is what has happened to him after only 7 weeks in the job...

and i'm feeling bad? and inadequate? fuck, seriously....i should take a long hard look in the mirror, remind myself how i was feeling just the other day (creative following a break, valued, comfortable in the knowledge that i am making a difference etc) and not let the behaviour of one new, insecure, highly paid (in fact over paid in my humble opinion), possibly mental imbalanced, complete and utter dickhead sway my sense of self...

but, as Sal pointed out to me, i tend to let this happen - FC was one example of it, and this twat is another....and then Leah pointed out to me that she thinks this is common to my relationship with ESTJ's or ISTJ's....and whilst I don't know what his profile is, I'm pretty certain, based on behaviour that he'd have to be either an ESTJ or and ISTJ....even though he says he's big picture, the amount of detail i see him going into would indicate an S, although he is new so may just be getting up to speed - either way, this is clear: i don't like him, i don't trust him and i need to find a way to not let him get under my skin...big task that one!

so of course that, being tired, having had a drink last night, and then spending the afternoon on my own allowing myself to let what he said get to me, resulting in me thinking i'm not good enough just upset me.....got myself worked into quite a tiz, observed myself spiralling into 'i'm not good enough' thinking (not a great place to be on a saturday afternoon), found myself starting to imagine him saying to me 'do you have a partner?' and then starting to feel inadequate about that too...

fuck, is this for real? this is someone who came highly recommended, is supposed to have good management/leadership capability....i think not!

anyway, i feel better having purged here, i've had a nice day, despite probably letting my emotions get the better of me....

otherwise, it's been a big week on other fronts too: my friend Sarah's baby died, went to the funeral on Wed (very difficult) but BD kindly came with me, realised as we were sitting in the chapel and he grabbed my hand that he wasn't relationship material and then he was cranky with me Thursday as i happened to admit that something FC did annoyed me and he let it rip....which in turn caused me to think that he'd crossed the line - in telling me that i should lie to FC, tell him i was seeing someone else, and that he needed to leave me alone - part of me thought it cute that he is very protective of me, another part of me felt annoyed that he doesn't trust me to sort it out myself...interesting as i felt he'd crossed a boundary and turns out i am becoming much more adept at creating and maintaining boundaries - go figure! loving that...so much so, last week when FC and i were having a chat/text, he put a 'x' after saying goodnight and i asked him if he thought that was appropriate? funny how far things have come, or really, funny how far I have come...

and in another twist of irony, FC asked me yesterday how i was going with my book and had i written anymore in the last 8 months...really? hasn't yet sunk into his head that the entire time we were together or the months afterwards where i was trying to put myself back together, might not be the optimal time to finish a novel about choices and love? one more nail in his coffin...not to mention he tells me the same stuff over and over, really only seems to want to have contact with me when he wants me to listen to him (and admittedly he's very supportive of me at work), but really, what else is there? 

i think perhaps that i hoped that he would be something he's not and really, if i'd not had my blinkers on or been so keen for him to become this mythical person i hoped he would be, maybe i would not have been so hurt....

oh well! seems i've learned a lesson: that hoping someone will be something is very very different to seeing them for who they are and accepting that....

and so, as i get ready to turn my light off and go to sleep, i feel a bit better than i did only hours ago....so, nite!

ps and sure i've probably not written about everything i wanted to say about this week, but i can do that tomorrow...

i'm so fabulous i

should have my own fragrance! ha

so bff leah told me she'd seen a card with that on it and it reminded her of me....

too funny....

life is good right now, loving work, loving my bff's and just starting to get my sarah groove back! not before time...

will provide an fc update at some point - not a great deal to tell other than how stable i feel, and mostly, how strong, but he did overstep a boundary last week...

the fact that i even think there are boundaries is a good sign!

is it possible

that my blog has lost it's appeal? or is it just that i'm feeling much better, so don't feel the need to purge?

unsure, will ponder on that....but it's true, i hardly wrote it whilst i was away - and that might be because i was busy, and still very much in 'getting over Nick' mode....i was also trying to break some patterns, and one of those patterns was blogging about him, about how i felt etc....so if nothing else, that was good...

but since i've been back, i have hardly blogged at all...

interesting! will keep an eye on it.....

totally crappy day...

no other way to describe it really....

so it started with me waking up at 5am and not being able to get back to sleep - never a good start...but lately, seems to be the order of the day...this whole lack of sleep thing is really starting to get to me - not such a big deal when you are on holiday as you don't have to function, and can take naps pretty much whenever you feel like it...on the other hand, when you are doing a big job and have a lot on, it's just not possible to be 'off your game'....

aarrgghh!

so then, it was going ok until i had a meeting with someone new to our team, and someone who in recent weeks has behaved in a way that i find really difficult to deal with...someone who i didn't really think would be a good fit and based on other feedback, seems i'm not the only one having difficulty....

but today, i found out that he has essentially told a colleague that he wants more autonomy and basically doesn't see why he has to get me involved in some decisions - which i read (and i may be wrong) as him not valuing what me (or my team) can do....

hmmm, challenging really and pushes my buttons on many levels...it's crap, really there's no other way to describe it....

i honestly don't see the appeal of this person, other than through one, very narrow lens....anyway, i'm going to have to learn to live with it...

which is why, the other week, after my 3rd crap meeting with this person, that i chose to be courageous and share with him my experience of how he behaves towards me in meetings...i had hoped that this would mean some change might ensue? nope....

so i was hopeful, going into the meeting, that perhaps some of what we talked about might have sunk in, but no, today seemed just as bad a meeting as all the others....constant interrupting, speaking to me in a patronising way, assuming i know nothing of what he's talking about, being rude about his own staff in front of that person....yep, frankly, it was a disaster!

i really don't want to work with this person if he continues to behave in this way - he treats me like a subordinate and not a peer, and his statement that he's collaborative - well i haven't seen that once in the 3 or 4 weeks we've worked together...maybe it's me? maybe he just doesn't like me - possible, after all, i don't really like what i've seen of him yet, and due to him constantly talking over me, it's true, i've been defensive in one or two meetings...but still, there is no need for him to behave in this way, especially as he's new - wouldn't you think he'd be trying his best to play nicely? at least for a little while...

and then, well then, there's the momentary feeling sad about things with Nick...so in my moment of post meeting stress, i downloaded to him and i feel bad about that - not that i did it, but bad that i trusted him with it and maybe i shouldn't have...and not like he's not trustworthy, not like he's done anything to suggest to me that i can't trust him, but since i've been back he's been weired...we had a coupla good chats early on, but then (see post of last week where i mentioned my outburst at him on thursday) he seems to have been largely ignoring me....we have had very little to do with each other in the last 5 days or so (and actually i've felt better - so maybe there's a message in that!)....and then in a moment of extreme stress i let him in....oh well, i guess i'm human.  sometimes being in my role is lonely and i don't deal with it that well...i'm getting better, and i had a chat to my boss, but ultimately i know she'll back this person over me as he's more valuable to her than i am (i don't actually think that's true, but it would be her view)

and then i allowed myself (well, no, that's not true is it?), i texted him to say thanks for listening and to let him know i was feeling exposed - he assumed i meant something else so i had to basically clarify that i wasn't sure it was 'ok' for me (now) to share this stuff with him - sure, i probably shouldn't (given our relative positions and given he works for this person) but i've never had reason not to trust him, but something in his behaviour when i was downloading today gave me cause to think about it - basically he said nothing, was v quiet - when typically he would be very vocal...maybe i'm paranoid, maybe i really shouldn't trust him...i dunno...

anyway, for a moment i thought: i miss this man, but really, do i? i miss having someone to whinge to when i have a crap day (and today was royally crap), but is that just having someone to listen? truth is he never really was a good listener and i suspect i did a lot more listening than he did....but still, as i drove up my street, i thought for a milli second how much i would like him to come back....

anyway, just when i figure he's going to drop out of the conversation he calls....bizarre really - never could read him, still can't....

i'm tired, i've had a crap day (mainly, bar the odd conversation with supportive colleagues, lunch with a dear friend etc) and i have to be on my a game tomorrow as i'm delivering with one of my bff's...

and it's her birthday! so, nite!

for the 2nd consecutive monday

i've experienced fcitis....

so it turns out, that when i think about him and what happened, i'm actually, still very very angry...

in fact, not sure i've really gone through the anger phase - probably was stuck in shock for a while, and sadness, and just simply some form of deluded hope that he would turn into a human being...

but no, now it seems that in fact, his true colours are showing, and i'm angry....

really really really angry! sure, got some of it out thursday night when i had cause to ring him after work....let loose too! although that was good in that i felt better almost immediately after, but bad in that i cried (probably frustration more than anything) for the first time in months...

there's really no getting thru to someone as stubborn as him and at some point i'm going to need to no longer assume his lack of care of eq has anything at all to do with me....

sooo, i'm tired, i'm not sad really but angry and a bit numb....and i wish like mad he would leave...

that place is just not big enough for the both of us and i'm sick of the sight of him....hence my term fcitis....

seems that life is pretty good when i don't have to see him but having to see him every bloody day at work, well, frankly, i'm over it....

so universe if you are listening: please either give me the strength of see him as just some other person at work, someone who does not deserve my care or interest, or (and this is probably my preferred option), get him a job so he leaves....

thank you x

think i left my mojo in central park

yeah, not really, obviously, but it occurred to me today that i may well have left my mojo in central park...

he he! so it's now day 6 of being back at work at the immediately post holiday bliss of 'how was it', 'you look great', 'it's so nice to have you back' etc, well, that's largely worn off and has been replaced with the reality...

and honestly, the reality isn't that bad! i mean it involves a team i love, a job i love, a boss i like most of the time, a workplace that is filled with challenges and one where i know i am making a difference, and Nick...

yep, and other than the last part it's all very very positive and honestly, if he weren't there i doubt i'd even be still thinking about what happened....

but he is, and sadly, my reality, i guess like a lot of others who fall into a relationship with someone at work, is that once it's over, you have to see that person, even though you'd rather not, and in some cases (unsure if this is me) you'd rather never have to see them again, much less have meetings with them...

yep, so for now, at least, that's my reality - and i say for now, as i am super hopeful that he will get of his arse and find a job..not like he likes the airport, not like he's been happy there for ages, but a new boss (who he does not like) and the possibility of a broader role is much more likely to entice him to stay which is not really what i want...

nope! what i want is for him to leave and soon - how disappointing to come back from leave to find that his colleague has resigned when i would so much rather it have been him...

oh well, i guess, there is in this, a lesson and as Leah said to me yesterday, in time, i'll be glad i worked through this as he is someone i trust (although i'm wondering if i should trust him less now - yes, think i should, and this is about me installing boundaries not about anything he's done to make me believe he's no longer trustworthy - but truth is, he may never have been, he may well have been lying to me the whole time - yes i know, i'm paranoid) and in a work sense, we do work well together and he's someone i can rely on to do things for me - additionally, our functions have not always enjoyed a good working relationship which him and i have worked hard to create, so would (in a way) be a shame if he were to leave, only to be replaced by someone who didn't share a desire to work so well with my team...

on the other hand, in him leaving, all i can see is upside! for one i would not have to be reminded EVERY fucking day of the working week that i liked this man a lot, that he liked me a lot, but in reality, all i was to him was his rebound girl....yep, and i've probably been someone elses rebound girl but this hurt...and a lot....

so universe as i continue to come to terms with where things are at and start to really enjoy my single life again (yes, i'm making a good stab of that thank you), please can you find it within your powers to present him with a job he wants so he can leave...

of course if that isn't possible, then perhaps you could find it in your powers to have me meet the man of my dreams so that i will eventually not even care that he's still there....

actually, i'd like to put myself first for a change, so if you could focus all your energy on helping me to continue to move on and to be open and ready for my mr right to enter my life, well that would be great...i'll work hard too!

sooo, i don't think i really left my mojo in central park - i think really what happened is that i had 3 amazing weeks away from work and Nick and it gave me a chance to remember who Sarah was, what she stands for and who she wants to be...and sure, she hasn't stayed in NYC, it's just a little harder to find her every day....

but, as they say in the classics, tomorrow is another day and really, each day presents me with an opportunity to be that Sarah and to hold my beautiful head up high and move forward...

and to set some boundaries - oh yes, that's underway too!

nite x

i really wish that i could

forget! yep, and i know that for hundreds of thousands of people suffering from Alzheimer's or other forms of dementia, this would not be a welcome statement, but honestly, right now, i wish i could....forget about Nick, and what happened and how much it hurt me....

and i'm doing ok, mostly, really i am....most times i find myself falling back into those old thinking patterns i'm able to notice it, question it and then move on to thinking about something else - and this is good as only a month or so ago, i simply couldn't do that....but really, i just wish i could forget it all, erase it all...

and as i was thinking that on my walk i was thinking 'yes but then you'd forget the good stuff' and honestly, there just wasn't that much good stuff to forget....mostly, i spent my time wondering if he really liked me, if he'd freeze me out, if he'd ever get his shit together, if he'd call, text etc...so really, there wasn't a whole lot of good stuff to remember, and when there was, it would closely be followed up with him shutting me out, so in a way, any good memories were almost immediately destroyed....maybe he meant to do that?

but today, following my walk, i feel a bit heavy hearted....it's true, i do....

so am sitting with that.....but in the meantime, i really do wish i could forget!

you're the glue...

yes, that's what one of my team told me today...yes, apparently i'm the glue! what a lovely thing to say...

so, it's mostly been a good return to work after my holiday...a return i was, to be honest, dreading...after seeing Nick last Friday i really started to think that i hadn't moved on, that things hadn't improved and that having to see him at work would really set me back...

and sure, tonight, in a moment of utter exhaustion, maybe he's been much more top of mind than he had been, so maybe i feel a wee bit reflective, but i'll be ok...

so turns out one of his colleagues has resigned (my first thought was 'pity it wasn't him') so i emailed him to ask him if he had any thoughts about the go forward and was there anything he wanted me to tell his new boss...he called, we spoke for 30 minutes which was probably a good thing to clear the air before i had to see him tuesday...

so tuesday was kinda nice - lots of smiles, welcome back Sarah, we missed you, how was your holiday, great to have you back, hugs and kissing...really, i felt, for the first time in ages, that i really did fit in at work....exhausting but nice!

wednesday more of the same, thursday facilitating one of the workshops with Leah, and today a busy day with one very stressful meeting (more on that later - new colleague, bit of an arrogant twat, and after 3 meetings where he has interrupted me, talked over me and basically not listened to a word i said, i gave him some feedback - wow!)....and honestly, by 5.50pm i was ready to leave, ready for 2 days out of there...

but as was the way before the trip, i would leave friday feeling a bit sad...and sure today i didn't feel really sad, tired mainly, and actually glad that i got through the first week back without major incident, glad that my meeting with my boss (first one in a month) went very well this afternoon and glad that i don't seem to be hung up on him anymore...

but, and i need to be honest, whilst i may not be hung up on him, i still care and i feel compelled to 'help' him...and it's really annoying me...

this is someone who essentially broke my heart and yet i still feel the need to help him....and this is not new for me - i did this with Ben, and i am a bit torn (which is good) as a part of me really wants nothing to do with this man, but another part of me still cares what happens to him and where i can, i want to look out for him...even though i am certain that he wouldn't look out for me and really is still someone who's entire world revolves around him....

so i think this weekend i'm going to do my very best to a) not consume my time thinking about him b) try and identify what it is that makes me want to help him and c) work out how i'd like to be around him - see my natural warm and helpful self is probably not going to ultimately help me, nor protect me - as inevitably as i continue to help him and offer him advice (of the career nature) i will start to 'expect' something in return...even gratitude (but he's not overly good at that)...

i guess it's good that i know myself well enough to know that i will have expectations, however, would be nice to see if perhaps this can be a practice run (much like i saw the relationship with him way back at the beginning) in either 'holding back' and not 'rushing in to help' or helping without expecting something in return....

now, in this particular situation this ain't gonna be easy - and why? coz this is a man i liked a lot, a man i had really hoped to have a long term relationship with and one, that for a short time, i really thought i might end up with - yes, his words of long ago (go with this - either we'll end up married or i'll be the best friend you ever had) occasionally ring in my ears making me wistful and hopeful...but really, things with him would probably never have worked, and i say probably, because i'm not 100% sure yet that i believe that...

each day i get stronger, and it's true i haven't felt sad or bereft like i did only a month ago, but i would be lying, to myself mainly, if i said i no longer think about him, or have the occasional 'wish' that he might come back....

anyway, i'm tired, i've had a big week and i'm looking forward to a few quiet days to regroup....and then on monday i can do it all again!