done....

yep, earlier today, before i had any contact with FC, i had come to the realisation that he is just not good for me...see yesterday, day 4 of back to back feeling good, was good until i read an email from him, the email he wrote in response to my apology/clarification email...and it wasn't very nice (well i didn't read it as such, and smacked of resentment and anger towards me)...and i let it derail my day

and then today i had a the best day, woke up, lay in bed for a while reading with a cup of tea, got up, went for a walk/run, went to therapy, visited the lovely Blues Point Bookshop and had a chat with the owner, Helen, came home, had lunch, watched Blues belt the Bombers (only by 96 points...!), then saw an email from my boss, realised FC would have the phone number of the person i need to call, asked him and he was difficult....can't say i was very happy about it...then we had a coupla texts back and forth and when he finally says randomly (and this is a pattern - i should really have become wise to this before now) 'wish there had been food at some point today' - this from the man who has claimed food isn't that important to him....i respond with oh :-( how come? he says there wasn't time and i say well you have to make time but then again food isn't that important to you...then, wait for it he says 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow - i'm tired and want a night in xxx'...just like that? now that is rude...

and here's me having spent all day thinking that i really shouldn't have sent the email i sent him last night, the one where i shot the sun up his arse, and told him just how much i'd liked him, and thinking that i shouldn't see him on Sunday because really, what would it achieve (this talking in person about stuff, with a person, who essentially doesn't like talking about this stuff?)....what it would achieve is us going over and over the same old ground - i like him, he likes me, he's not ready...no point, no fucking point at all, and in fact a complete waste of time...

but because i am ALWAYS putting other people ahead of myself and being mindful of their feelings over my own, well i couldn't work out how to tell him this, wondering instead if he didn't make contact if i would just let it slide...almost hoping that he would forget, or when he texted to confirm, not ignore him but suggest i was tired or not feeling up to it...gentle

but not him - 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow - i'm tired and would like a night in xxx'....and maybe it's not that rude given i know how he communicates, but methinks something i've said (the thing about food) has pissed him off, or else he's just simply exhausted and could have been a bit softer in his messaging?

who the fuck knows? all i know is that i was having the nicest day until i had contact with him, and his seeming lack of care in how he tells me stuff, hurt me tonight and made me think that he is in the driving seat and not me...

and why does that bug me so much, yes i can hear you asking that, as i'm asking myself! well it's a couple of things....

i feel like i failed myself, coz i wasn't strong enough to tell him

i put his feelings ahead of my own needs, which i have been doing for a long time, and not just with him, this is a pattern of my relationships, and perhaps the universe heard me earlier when i said 'please universe let me find a way not to see him this weekend and re-hash the same old stuff'...i guess i didn't think in asking for that it would be taken out of my hands, but hey, at least i won't be seeing him tomorrow...

and honestly, perhaps this is finally the lesson i need in not having to feel responsible for what happened tonight, and instead of moving towards him in an attempt to 'smooth things over' or 'fix the situation' well fuck it - i'm not the one who created the situation so WHY should i have to fix it? well, yes, there's another dysfunctional pattern i've been doing my whole life...well no, fuck it, this time FC, you can either fix it or not, but i'm going to do my absolute best to not reach out to you...i'm done

i have spent all of our relationship, and after, reaching out to you and smoothing things over, but actually i'm done....no longer am i going to let you push your shit onto me, or make me feel bad about myself....and instead of moving towards you which feels right and familiar to me, i'm instead going to sit in this hideous pit of discomfort and try and work out what it is I need right now...hmmm, not sure i know how to do that, but i'm going to try

what i need? fuck, imagine being 43 and not really knowing what it is you need? kinda scary, but better 43 than 53 or never! what i need right now is sleep (that will be happening soon), but really what i need is to remember how other people see me and try to remind myself who i am and what i want, and to believe that i deserve it....what i need right now is to remember that just because i don't have the self esteem i want (yet) and because i don't always believe in myself, does not mean i have to settle for someone who will not treat me the way i want to be treated...

yes, FC, that's you i'm talking about and sure, i know you don't read the blog and that's good and bad, but really, if you had been more mature, then this whole situation could have been avoided - you could have had the balls to either say to me, i like you but i'm not ready and leave me alone, but no, you wanted to be friends and see where things went - as my friends describe it, to have your cake and eat it too...and what about me? where did that leave me? nowhere! and then after doing the friends thing it becomes something more, and then when it is obvious it's something, you decide you don't want to be in a relationship after all, and then still send mixed messages even after that....and now, now that i'm trying to get some closure and work through all the things i want to say to you, you get snippy with me for sending mixed messages....

seriously, i'm done! and i should have been done a long time ago but because we work together and i have this fear that work will be unbearable if i tell you i don't want any contact but work, i try and do what it is you want, which is friends...but seriously, a friend would not be as rude as you were to me tonight - well, not a friend i would keep around for any period of time...

so where this leaves us i don't know? and how i will manage not to reach out and smooth things over with you, i have no idea, but i'm not doing it...nope, not this time...and you know why? coz i am done....