grief, depression or am i in the

midst of an existential crisis?

yes, so despite the handful of friends suggesting i may be suffering from some sort of depression (which isn't uncommon, it's estimated that most adults will, at some point in their life experience depression), i'm not so sure...

and not because i feel much much better, i don't....but because i have lived with someone who suffered from depression and i'm pretty sure what i am experiencing is nothing like what he experienced...and sure everyone doesn't experience it the same way, but still....

and finally, after a 3 week break, my therapist is back - i was a bit anxious about mentioning to her the 'views' of said friends, because she is not in favour of labels, and 'depressions' is certainly, one hell of a label....

so we talked about it, and whilst she said she would support me no matter what (i already knew this), she thinks that what is going on is this:
 - continuing sadness, grief (which has been going on for years, on many many levels, the latest of which is the stuff with FC), and then, which is what i realised this morning, i'm having something of an existential crisis....

meaning, my life just isn't what i want it to be right now - on many fronts, and i'm sad, and lost and wondering who the hell i am? who is Sarah? what does she stand for? where does her meaning emanate from?

yep, sadly, right now, these are not questions that i have the answers for...

so sure i made an appointment to see my GP on Monday, but i think that maybe, time is going to be the answer....and it's not like i will put up with the way i feel for an indefinite amount of time, it's already been a month or so and it's not easy to do 'life' when one day i feel good and the next inconsolable, but i'm going to just see how it goes.....

i can't ever remember a time in my life when i felt like this, and it's not like i haven't grieved before, nor been sad, nor had an existential crisis, but i don't remember having all 3 happen at the same time...it would seem that FC and what happened with FC, has opened up the proverbial can of worms in relation to my life and where i am and what i thought might be with him, and now isn't...on top of which it's almost impossible to grieve for someone when you see them 5 days a week...

anyway, it's true, i'm in the midst of an existential crisis and i'm not really sure what to do about that....

hmmm

anyway, it's now technically tomorrow (meaning i started writing this on saturday night and it's now sunday morning)...so, i will say goodnight, or perhaps i should say good morning!

nite x