slowly does it

is pretty much the only way i can describe how my recovery phase is going...and yes, whilst recovery may sound dramatic, it really feels like that's what it is...

recovery from my 'addiction' to FC, recovery from the hurt of him essentially dumping me just when i'd really started to fall for him, recovery from the dashed hopes and dreams i'd created with him as the centrepiece...

yep, not a great process to find oneself in the midst of, but no doubt, in time, when i look back and reflect on this time, it will give me great comfort to realise what FC was in my life, what lesson he provided (and if i'm being honest, he's provided more than one, so maybe that's a bonus, it's maybe also why it hurts so much?) and why ultimately even though we needed to 'come' together in this life, we didn't need to stay together....

oh how i hope i reach that place of acceptance and knowledge and sometime soon...

but seems a couple of things have become apparent in recent days:

a) he really is not good for me (except on the very rare and odd occasion where we simply enjoy each other's company)
b) he is not constant and never has been and whilst for the most part i have assumed that was something to do with me, me not being enough, it's not...it's about him - the very millisecond he gets close to me, he pushes me away
c) he is a child
d) he's manipulative and knows just how to 'hook me back in'...Sal thinks that he wants me close but can't be with me - she's probably right so if he senses i might be happy or moving away, he has to 'hook' me back in, only to then release me as soon as he's had control...

frankly, the whole dynamic is dysfunctional, it's hurtful to me and it's not healthy....i simply HAVE to find a way to see him as merely another work colleague, albeit one i occasionally get on with very well, and that's it...

no expectations, no taking his shitty behaviour to heart, no expecting him to treat me differently because we had something that seemed at the time, quite special...

nope, gotta put all of that behind me and just see him for what he is...a selfish, cold (at times), immature, childish, manipulative person who was yet again, rude and disrespectful of me at work today....

oh and a smoker! a friend from work told me she told her hubby that simply by walking past him the other day she thought she got cancer! i happened to be behind him today when he came in from having a cancer stick and OMG, i have NO idea how i put up with that smell - i hate smoking, always have, always will, although i have dated a smoker before (not for a long time mind)...

WHAT was i thinking i have to ask myself...

so sure, title of post is slowly does it, and yes this has been a big thing for me to try and sit with, process, experience etc, and it's been more difficult than anything else i remember but Sal said she thought it had to happen - i had to experience this much pain otherwise how would i know that i simply don't want to go back there again? how would i know how destructive my relationship pattern is if i couldn't see it, and feel it, for what it is?

so yes, she's right....but maybe it's slow for a reason!

hmmm, hadn't quite thought of that!

nite!