i'm certain it's normal

to occasionally have not so positive thoughts about friends, but I feel incredibly guilty when it happens to me...

fuck, wonder if that's a hangover from my childhood too - you know, always needing to be the nice girl, looking after everybody else before me blah blah blah

so it's been an interesting few weeks, interesting good in that I seem to have finally cottoned on to my process - in light of the conversation with my boss (which was a horror) I seemed to have done the roller coaster of emotions and have now come out at something that resembles, I think, resignation...acceptance would be going too far but resignation seems appropriate

ironically I haven't tendered my resignation - rather I feel resigned to being there for perhaps longer than I'd like to be, and in coming to that conclusion it seems there has been something of a reprioritisation...

yes, so that's not such a bad thing, although ultimately staying there and working for her would be untenable, but in the short term, or even medium term, whilst I look for the next opportunity, I can make it work for me...yes financially it's ok, i'd like to be paid more in comparison to peers, but standalone I get paid pretty well, finish reno's, attempt to finish book, continue with the great work i'm doing there, go on more great holidays...yes, it's true this job affords me lots of positives! despite the reality that in fact I find myself working for someone who has little or no integrity, lies and who would put financial gain above everything else, including people...not my cup of tea really! but in the short term, a means to an end....

so I guess in a way I should be thanking her - because in her ridiculously childish and personal reaction she has prompted me to really think about what I want and reality is, working with her ain't it, so I guess that's a good thing...I got a much needed kick up the arse! thanks universe....

anyway, I've digressed - nothing new there...so a couple of times when one of my bff's has come to work (she is doing some work for us) I have not been happy to see her....

and I feel bad even writing that down, but this is private and i'm desperately trying to identify what's actually going on...

there is an element of resentment in that in some way she is doing what i'd like to be doing (meaning running own business working in area of coaching and leadership), but mostly I think it's because when she comes there I feel judged...and that's because I think she expects me to be some perfect manager/leader and not ever let my personal feelings impact on how other see me...and sure, that might be how she is, but that isn't for me, it isn't who I am and I think even if I tried to carry it off, I wouldn't be being honest with myself or others - to me that simply isn't authentic...

then there's the nagging thought that has (as far as I can recall) only twice popped into my head and that's just how easy I think she has it sometimes (re my workplace, not in general): it's easy for her to turn up and be happy to see everyone, but I am there every day, when it's good and when it's bad, I have a boss I don't trust, and who doesn't really share my values, I fell in love with someone there who then told me he didn't want to be with me and I have to see him 5 days a week...i'm not lonely in that I have a network of people there (which I love)....and there are days when I simply resent her coming there and being all happy and light and expecting me to be the same...

and as I type that I wonder if she expects that or if this is some ridiculous expectation I have of myself...I've sort of mentioned it to her once before and whilst I can't remember what she said, i'm certain she would have said she wasn't judging me....

so why do I feel judged when she's there? why do I think everyone thinks how wonderful she is but that i'm not that wonderful - and then I start remembering how cool it was when I could just drop in and everyone thought I was wonderful...guess there's a part of me that misses that...and a bigger part that doesn't as working for myself was mostly lonely and then there was the added downside of the need to source business/sell....

so, question is, were the bad thoughts really about her or are they entirely my own, entirely of my own creation?

not sure, but i'm tired and i'm still annoyed with Nick - so the last few nights he's seen fit to make contact with me to do his usual whinge...I really don't want to get back into that routine with him and yet it's easy to think of it as potentially appealing - it won't be...it'll end like it always does with him getting me to listen to and support him and me, well we know how this is gonna go

what I really want to say to him is that I feel like a dirty little secret and that I wasn't good enough for him to tell people we are friends...

i'm so annoyed with him - at least I've told him that but still...what i'd dearly love is a workplace where he isn't there...

oh well, must go to bed...nite x

i'm still so angry

with him

wondering when that is going to pass?

haven't had a great day, and days like today invariably make me really question what is wrong with the world, and then sadly, leads me to wondering what is wrong with me?

yep, a feel sorry for myself pity party happening right here...

it'll pass, it always does right?

but anyway, i'm angry at FC - there are so many things I think I still want to say to him....

or maybe, I just had a shit day, feel sad there's nobody significant in my life, and I miss being able to whinge to him...

anyway, i'm tired, need some sleep so i'm going to hope crawling into bed for a relatively early night will help...

nite!

perhaps the best is yet to come

on the work front?

so, following being dissatisfied with the gap between my rem and that of external peers for well over a year, I decided to raise it with my boss...

she reacted so badly I couldn't actually believe it happened - so just to remind myself of the sort of person she has shown herself to be, i'm going to document here what was said after I sent her an email with some data presenting the facts:

• fuck, I don't believe the data
• I haven't had a review in 5 years (yes, that's relevant)
• the 'governing body' only review xx salary every 3 years (that's a lie - I know this because I run the process)
• don't let me hold you back if you have another opportunity to go to (really?)
• this is just like the conversation I had with xx (er no, he resigned, i'm simply saying I have an issue with my pay and i'd like to discuss it with you)
• in my next life, perhaps i'll move into HR (er you couldn't - you have to at least be human to do that!)
• I notice from your cv you don't stay anywhere that long...(really? and she stupidly looked up my linkedin profile, which I saw!...and for the record I was at the 'bank' for 6.5 years...)
• I would hope that you would approach me when you're ready to move and that you are happy with my mentoring of you (er choke, mentoring? when did that occur?); and
• finally, I recognise you have potential, perhaps your next move isn't here (er yes, I already know this, but that's not what i'm here to discuss with you)

so I asked her if she in fact wanted me to stick around and I get the 'I value you', but really, as if that's even remotely believable following the other crap that she spouted...

what a sad, selfish and idiotically short sighted person she is...I dream of resigning and telling her to rot in hell...

of course I won't say that to her but it's been kind of interesting to see just how often a revenge fantasy pops into my head...

er yes! oh well, so i'm out there...and you know what, I think it's good! I think she'll have no idea just how great I am at my job until i'm gone and for me, well, I've learned a whole bunch of stuff, not the least of which is I really don't want a female boss and that I need to believe how 'excellent' my reputation is just like others do...

so, onwards and upwards...

ps seems there is a similarity between her and FC which would kill him (as he can't stand her) - seems they both used me....

all the things i want to say to you (from July 2013)

are written here...

funny, I wrote this months ago and my fear of how he would react stopped me from sending it...but months later, I said it all anyway, and then the universe let me see you for who you are....so, back then, this is what I wanted to say....now, it doesn't need to be said! funny thing is, when I eventually did raise some of this stuff, it wasn't anywhere near as bad as I thought it would be....:-)

nick

i have stopped myself from writing this so many times, fearing that if i do you will treat me differently at work, hold it against me, or think i'm mental...but actually, i need to say something as i don't think you have any idea how your behaviour towards me impacts me

i haven't told you this because i am so afraid of what it will mean at work where i like and value the working relationship we have built, and would not want to jeopardise that, but truth is, i am more important than any relationship i have at work....

i'm afraid in telling you that you may react badly to this, although truth be told i've always admired how you react to things so perhaps you won't and you'll know that this is coming from a place of me looking after me, rather than me trying to hurt you - i would never set out to hurt you, i hope you know that...but it seems i have always put other people's needs ahead of mine and you are no different there - even when i knew i should cut you off after you hurt me i couldn't, because i like and care about you, but for my own happiness i should have

and the fear of how you might treat me at work has made me put my own needs on the back burner, but reality is this, if we didn't work together we would have had no contact post your decision....

and i have no idea if this will be difficult for you or if you'll really miss the contact we have - i have and always will trust you, i appreciate that i can talk to you at work and everything you do for me, but Nick i can no longer bear the out of works texts (the i'm in times square, photo of my carpet) and it pains me to say this as i wanted nothing more to be 'someone' in your life....but reality is we didn't want the same things then and even as 'friends' we don't want the same thing....

outside of work, there is nothing between us...from where i sit we aren't friends, even though you have said that's what you want...and sure we've tried it every which way possible, but seems it just can't be....sometimes you are friendly, sometimes you are cold, sometimes you treat me with complete indifference, other times you reach out to me, but mostly you are just inconsistent and i no longer want there to be this dynamic between us...and i wish it didn't bother me Nick, but it does...and that does my head in more than you know...

you had your chance with me and you said you didn't want it, so please do the unselfish thing and let me be....please....

we're friends and

I love you, but you're not invited to my 40th...

hmmm! well, seems the universe concocted the ultimate test for me this time - and I've done myself proud...

so since our fateful conversation on 23 September, only 2 days before his 40th birthday, where it slipped that he was in fact having a party after all, and I wasn't invited....I have virtually not said a single word to him since...

barring the necessary work dialogues, which have, thankfully, remained reasonably professional and normal - if anything between FC and I can be classified 'normal'...

inconceivable really but nearly 3 weeks on i'm doing remarkably well, and in fact, am somewhat grateful that the universe forced my hand...

reality is, for well over a year I have struggled to give him up, to realise that our out of work contact was a routine, a routine that led to false hope and ultimately sadness for me....

and mostly I feel good...whilst initially I missed our week night texting sessions, now I am thankful for the silence...and sure, he thinks he was doing the right thing not inviting me, but I just feel used...

for the best part of 18 months he has used me - used me to whinge to, to support him emotionally, to listen to his crap (which at times was boring and repetitive)...and for what?

so onwards and upwards...for a week or so I was chatting with a guy on eharmony but I called a halt to that following the horror conversation with boss...(see next post)

right now, other than pulling myself together, looking for a new job and finishing my renovations, I don't really have time for anything else....

so it seems the social experiment with FC is over....

ps Bec is convinced we'll end up friends, and that the reason I have a connection with him and can't explain why I wanted to be with him is that we are in some sense soul mates, and whilst in this life we are not intended to be together romantically, the connection is old and strong....we'll see! right now, I can't imagine wanting him in my life