au revoir to mes vignettes bleues.....

so i'm retiring this blog - in reality, only started it because a bunch of nosy people where I worked had stumbled across sarahslittlebluebook and i needed to create something where I could still blog....

no longer need that! yay....

thanks and au revoir....

turns out i didn't need a shoe cupboard after all...

so i've largely transitioned to my old new blog...and my new home!

as i type this i've been in my lovely new place for 25 months! wow, the time has flown and i truly love my home...

it's all but done - curtains for my library are nearly ready and then the only thing left to do is curtains for the guest room..

moving cities is not as hard as i thought it would be

maybe the time was right

maybe i no longer thought of sydney as home

truth is, i often felt lonely there, disconnected from it and that i didn't really fit

and whilst it's easy to look back, honestly, i've embraced canberra with both arms and cannot really imagine living anywhere else...

and because i wore ridiculously high heels for too bloody long, turns out i have arthritis in my left foot which means most of my beloved shoes are now lying abandoned in what should be the linen cupboard...some have even been sold on ebay!

c'est la vie as the french would say....

things i love

sub text: try and get more of these things into your day to day life

sunlight - simply cannot wait to have my north facing balcony in my new home...one of the things I have come to know is that whilst I love my Sydney home, and I do, I am constantly disappointed that nowhere in it (other than first thing in the morning) is there somewhere I can sit in the sun to read/drink tea or talk to friends

books - reading a good book is like being taken away from life, and not necessarily in a bad way - I love being transported to another place, another time through the words of someone else...

tea - always going to love my tea, the ritual of making it, that first sip

interior decoration - I spent the best part of 2 hours this morning looking for fabrics and wall papers and whilst there is a an element of frustration when you can't find exactly what it is you have in your head, I love the creative pursuit...I love the colour and texture of fabric - I want to be working with it more often, not just for my own benefit - a course has to be on the list for either this year or next

writing - i love the feeling that comes with penning something good, the expression of ones inner most thoughts onto the page...I'm not finding anywhere near enough time to write in the capital, so hopefully i'll reprioritise that when i move into Austin St

friends - as we get older, or perhaps it's just me, i treasure time with people who truly love me for who i am - no pretense, no bullshit - i think it's important to find those people, nurture those relationships and give to them what they give to me....rediscovering my friendship with my high school bestie is so lovely - the capital has definitely opened up more options for me and the opportunity to reconnect with old friends, spend more time with 'family type friends', spend more time with family and I'm starting to feel much more connected there...not surprising, it is my home town! (even though for years i didn't want to admit it!)

exploring the place i live: I've done this much better in the capital and there is still so much more for me to uncover - places to go, where i can go for certain things etc.

theatre/opera etc. - funnily enough, being in the capital is much more like being in the big apple for me - certainly the climate is similar (esp the cold climate that the capital offers up during winter!) and it's easier to get to the theatre, to meet up with people after work to have a bit to eat/catch up...

my home - i love my Sydney home, but as i start to mentally prepare to move to my much bigger and nicer home in the capital, i am slowly starting to find a way to separate myself from it...reality is at some point, there will be other people (tenants) living in my home and whilst initially that was unpalatable, i know that it's the right thing to do...of course, I'm likely (i hope) to be consoled by the fact that for this to occur, it will mean my new place is ready and i will have moved into it...and it is fabulous! sure, it won't be exactly like i have here, but it has many beautiful features, and mostly it has a north facing large balcony that will get the sun ALL day! so no more finding myself at a loose end when i want to sit in the sun - nope, i'll be able to simply open my doors and walk out onto a private balcony which will get all day sun...i think by far that is going to be one of the best features of the new home...other things i will enjoy are: 3 bedrooms all on the same level, no attic stairs, under floor heating in the capital winters, double glazing on all windows, huge living area, much bigger kitchen, being close to Mum and Dad and plenty of good friends and family, and being able to sleep in the same bed every night for the foreseeable future (namely, no commute!)...it will be better for entertaining as i'll have an outdoor area i use and of course, my walk in robe! sure, i'll be giving up the shoe cupboard, but I'm sure that won't be hard to replicate somewhere else! it'll have a bath, and in fact a longer one than i have here, and it's in a simply gorgeous area/suburb...somewhere if i were to buy in the big smoke, would have cost me more than double what I've paid...so, it is perfect, and i'm typing this last sentence on 3 May 2017 and it is fabulous - i LOVE my new home :-)

the little blue book is back....

so I decided to publish a post under the old blog name....has taken me the best part of 4 years to do that!

can't find it when I do a google search so have no idea how I change that setting - lots to learn!

mental note to self: do back-up of all content - could be useful if I ever write a bio! ha

so, am moving soon, and I should probably write how I'm feeling about that, but I'm so excited that I've decided to reinstate the little blue book, that seems to be all I can muster the energy for tonight :-)

but I'm happy about it
I feel free, empowered, and ready to close one door and open many more :-)

the year in review...

wow! 2015 has not exactly been a year of blogging, but then again, for 8 months of the year, I have not been in my own home...

so, thought I'd try and capture the highlights and lowlights of the year that was....

January: lovely lunch with a handful of my girlfriends in North Sydney and Kirsten came down from Coffs for it....Australia Day is unmemorable but the following week was one of the worst I've ever endured at work....highlight was SCG with Dad and Dan (Dan's first time)...still sad following Phil Hughes' passing, but a great 2 days

February: highlight was really dinner with a former financial services pal, Liz on 1 Feb - she opened up to me about what happened to her in her last corporate role, and that resulted in me resigning the next day (a Saturday!)...wasn't how I'd envisaged leaving but got the job done and I no longer had to be subjected to the bullying, lack of integrity and general bad behaviour (including from my own staff)...a sad time for me and one where I really found it difficult to cope for a few weeks...topped off by my Mum having a heart attack on Valentines Day :-( thankfully she has made a full recovery and post 2 steints is doing really well :-) otherwise the month was uneventful and spent job hunting...and a trip to Melbourne for Charlie's 8th birthday :-) actually, highlight (despite being miserable) was seeing Sarah McLachlan live - truly amazingly talented human being and a fabulous concert - would see her again in a heartbeat!

March: highlight probably being offered my new job (which has opened up an entirely new life) and the annual trip to the MCG with Dad, Dan and Sammy - despite Carlton losing again! Debbie's 50th which was a fabulous day and celebration...Mum's 70th which was a lovely day, followed up with the Black Opal stakes - always a good day :-) earlier that month celebrate Russ and Hayley's engagement with big sister Lol and some Veuve...

April: highlight probably marching with my Dad on Anzac Day in the 100th anniversary of Gallipoli - very moving and a lovely day for it...then, the next day I started my new job in the capital! who'd have thought it? moved into Cam's

May: bought what was going to be an investment property in the capital...met some new people, got ready for the merger at work and started to realise how much I liked the capital; albeit not the weather! many sinus infections followed and I suspect i'll be better prepared for winter 2016!

June: changed mind about apartment and upgraded to a 3 bedder! now very excited about the move...Mum and Dad left for 3 months and I moved into the Grange! ha....work ok, was stressful in lead up to merger and a troublesome staff member did not help...highlight of month was spending day with Dan and Charlie in the capital - on a cold winters' day we visited the Aust War Memorial, had morning tea at Poppy's and then just hung out - perfect :-) oh and before that Sar and I chanced it with a drive to Rooty Hill RSL to see a psychic! fun night out...this was also the month I met Kelli D (Sean's partner) and some lovely Canberra women (who invited me out to dinner - that virtually never happens in the big smoke!)

July: uneventful as far as I can tell but did reunite with my childhood best friend Shelley and it's been really good to have her back in my life...

August: freezing month in the capital and by now I'm over it! still living at Mum and Dad's and looking forward to them returning on 1/9...my plans of travelling Aus in 2015 were overtaken by the constant (almost weekly) Sydney - Canberra trips...exhausting! and a fabulous weekend in Sydney with Shelley - so nice to show her some of my favourite things about the big smoke :-)

September: spring in the capital starts to show it's head, the troublesome staff member leaves and I am now well into recruitment for key members of my team.  started Isagenix - have never looked back although Christmas eating will need to stop soon! move back to Cam's

October: have virtual breakdown due to stress (all self imposed and largely due to how I left former employer) and really don't believe i'll make it through probation! next week, make it through probation! fall very ill with chest infection and influenza (yes, actual influenza) - was not a fun few weeks, but the month ended with Australia losing the RWC to the All Blacks (they deserved the win) and Russ and Hayley's wedding (which was lovely)...moved into Wayne & Kay's...

November: enjoy Melb Cup with Mum and Dad and Ange, and move to Kingston (where I'm intending to stay until I move into the new pad!)...spending a lot more time with Roger and Maxeme which is just lovely - loving being back in the capital! go to Adelaide for the first time in years and the first time with Dad in 40 years, and we enjoy a few days with our dear friends the Gillies, as well as 2 days of day night cricket at the Adelaide Oval :-) the trip also included a drive to my childhood home in Elizabeth South - interesting, to say the least!

December: Esther and I see Oprah Winfrey which was amazing - thing that struck me most was the 'nice' thing....lovely family Christmas at Mum and Dad's, lots of food and cricket! Boxing Day at Brede's, and then a few quiet days at work before some sanctuary time.  a quiet but lovely NYE with good friend Leanne...

so, the highlights:
 - rediscovered what a beautiful place our capital is, and am moving back!
 - new job, which mostly, I really like
 - more theatre (much easier and more accessible in Canberra)
 - lost weight (discovered Isagenix)
 - rediscovered some old friends
 - more time with family
 - a trip to Adelaide and the cricket with Dad
 - SCG with Dad and Dan's first time
 - Russ and Hayley's wedding
 - feel happier and more at home in the capital and am way less stressed - even a nicer person!

and the lowlights:
 - missing being settled in one home
 - spending 7.5 hours a week commuting...grrr
 - the flashbacks to the former workplace and what it did to my confidence

so, what will 2016 hold for me - my hopes for myself are as follows:
 - finally be in just one place
 - move into new home
 - enjoy getting new home exactly as I want it
 - more theatre
 - trip to NYC
 - more time with family and friends
 - find more time to write and read
 - trip to the west in September

so, all in all, not that bad! sure, it was a tough year but I made it and I'm still smiling :-)

HNY everyone - may all your dreams come true...x
 - rediscover exercise

apparently i'm moving....

and whilst Bec has been telling me this for some time, I chose to dismiss it...

and sure, I wasn't planning to move, but life sometimes takes a twist we're not expecting....

this time last year I had been looking to leave my former employer for the best part of a year - job market wasn't that buoyant and I couldn't find anything I wanted to move to...

it was also only 8 weeks until my big trip to the US with Lol for Thanksgiving....so figured, probably better to focus on that...

then the trip, then Phil Hughes passed away whilst I was away (and that made me really think) and then I got home, saw a job advertised that I liked, but it was in Canberra

you'd think that was good really, Canberra being my home town and all, but I wasn't thrilled....

anyway, I've now spent nearly 5 months commuting between there and here, and have bought a 3 bedroom apartment in a beautiful suburb/complex and when it's ready I'm moving...

and sure, part of me thinks 'eek, do I really want to move?' but in reality the last five years or so have been tough....and a change will be welcome.

so today, I'm going to capture all the things about no 87 I'm looking forward to and all the things I won't miss about Sydney....

I'm going to mentally scan my little home so that I don't miss anything....the things I won't miss are:
 - south facing living room
 - balcony I never use as it gets no sun
 - craving somewhere to sit in the sun
 - that my bedroom looks into someone else's (and theirs is always bloody messy)
 - that I can hear too much of what my neighbours are doing
 - traffic congestion in Sydney
 - pollution in Sydney
 - all the building work in St Leonards and the noise/dust it's creating, and then when it's finished, more congestion!
 - that my guest room is in the attic
 -  horrible colour of the windows/door frames here (beige)

that aside I love my little sanctuary, and I am looking forward to creating a new sanctuary....and there is so much to look forward to there:
 - bigger footprint, especially in the living room
 - all 3 bedrooms on the same floor
 - longer bath (but the same style) as I have in Sydney
 - family and friends close by
 - heated towel rail (i think)
 - under floor heating in the bathrooms
 - the opportunity to decorate - I'm choosing wallpapers as we speak!
 - the fact that no-one else will have lived there, so energetically it will be all mine :-)
 - the outlook
 - the aspect - north mostly, east and west (so basically, sun all day!)
 - double glazing on all doors and windows
 - top floor
 - double garage (may use half of it to set up a treadmill/tv so i can walk when it's raining)
 - work only 12 minutes away
 - the view - over rooftops and through lovely trees
 - is in one of the most beautiful and established suburbs in Canberra
 - close to Manuka and Kingston and my fave shops
 - has a walk in robe! yes, how cool - have never had one before
 - can choose window dressings from scratch
 - will have a balcony that i use a lot
 - could walk to Mum and Dad's
 - Deeks bread (haven't found it in Sydney!)

I'm sure there is more and of course there are things i will miss about Sydney, but I'm looking forward to moving and establishing my life in my home town....

bring on completion and settlement!

not in a good place...

you'd think with it being a bank holiday, meaning a day off for me, I'd be good, but I'm not....

won't help that over the weekend I ate both dairy and gluten, had 2 very late nights and am now having to go back to Cbr....meaning work (which mostly I actually enjoy) and an idiot employee who I've allowed to have the power, and not my own place....

I'm in something of a transition - it has not been a good year really - sure, there have been some highlights (i'll reflect on those a bit later to see if will help dislodge the funk I am in) but it's been tough - it's been confronting on many levels and there are times when I feel like I have been traumatised too many times...

suspect I've turned the corner, but I'm still in the very low side of the upward spiral and it doesn't feel good....

so I'm going to do the blurt first, then i'll take time to consider the good....

so, firstly, it's been 12 weeks since I had any contact with Nick - and this is mostly good, but I feel abandoned...I'm sure he has his reasons for not wanting to be in touch anymore and I respect those, but it hurts and occasionally I miss him...although, I'm not sure why! mostly our relationship just hurt me and left me wanting more, but still, probably old habits die hard....

I've had a lot of endings in the last year - and sure a number of them have been my choosing, but a number haven't.  the way I left my former employer was not of my choosing, although choosing to leave was....

the idiotic and frankly useless employee I've inherited is just a reminder of the former workplace (in my reactions - and this is a lesson - thank you universe - one I'm taking on and working hard to change and conquer, despite how utterly terrified it has left me at times) and whilst in the long term i'll look back and be thankful the lesson came, I'm tired right now and wish the universe would give me a couple of easy passes

sometimes I miss Leah - our friendship died well over a year ago and I decided nearly a year ago to end it for my own benefit - problem then was I replaced one dysfunctional toxic relationship with another and let myself think Nick could fill that void - wrong! so in a way, ending things with him feels doubly painful as it's not just about him, or Leah for that matter, but probably every bad relationship I've allowed myself to be in because I don't believe I'm good enough...

the new job and the move to the capital (my home town) has been good, but it too has brought things up...and not necessarily bad things, but a realisation that I lived in Sydney for the best part of 24 years with no family here...sure, I've had (and continue to have) some very good friends here, but there's nothing quite like family...it's been lonely - I've been lonely - I am lonely and sure, today isn't a good day and I wasn't feeling like this on Fri or Sat nights content in my own company and my beautiful little home, but today I do...so rather than pretend I'm not, I'm sitting with it - yuk!

I'm sitting with it in my beautiful study - my beautiful study/library, that I redecorated - everything in this room (and every room) is mostly hand picked - from the wall colour (my all time favourite, Tin Cat by dulux) to the beautiful art work - one pastel original from my 2nd visit to Chicago and the beautiful messy colourful original from my parents for my 40th, to the old photos of Coffs and Bellingen to the photo of my Dad...the black and white photo of the bridge in Prague and my books, loads and loads of my books - the crystal light and the laura Ashley lamp - the leather chair with it's big cushion, and the little Swarovski crystal door knobs - all hand chosen, all make me smile

and then I wonder, why don't I do things that make me smile more often? I seem to take life too seriously at times - feeling the pressure to have a good job, earn good money etc etc, but to what end? is this what someone else wants for me or what I want for me? I guess if I knew the answer to that I'd be doing it - and what is the it I hear you say...well, I'm going to write a list of the things I love at the end of this post and perhaps it will inspire me to go after more of that in my life....

honestly, I'm no longer sure....I came to Sydney nearly a quarter of a century ago to make it in the Emerald City - I've done that (in some ways), but really, what I probably always wanted was to fit in, to feel loved and to be happy...not sure, on balance, I feel like I do fit in here? I certainly didn't fit in at my former workplace - and many workplaces before I have also felt like a fish out of water....the capital seems kinder some how, and sure, I said I'd never move back there, but being 22 and wanting it all and being 46 and wanting something entirely different, well, life is just different now....

so yes, life is different - and eventually that will be fine, but right now I'm living in one city and working in another - I feel unsettled and disjointed - like I don't really belong anywhere and that is just an amplified emotion of something I've been experiencing for years but have probably never verbalised...

and funny, there was a time when I thought I would fit right into New York - but I wonder if that's because I thought perhaps I'd be invisible...I'm not sure I want to be invisible but I'm not sure I'm ready yet to be visible - perhaps if I trusted myself more, perhaps if I wasn't so consumed with fear at the moment I might be thinking different...

and sure, the fear is largely because of this employee and her admission that her mental health is impacted by working with me...yep, I can see that at times I've been aggressive with her - I have, and I'm not proud of that - to be fair to me, I've not had good role models and at least I'm now aware of how I sometimes react and am working hard to change it (for that, I deserve one big pat on the back)...but really? what responsibility is she taking for her own situation (and even as I type that I think wow - I'm big on responsibility - she may not be)  it's been drummed into me since I was a kid - don't make a fuss, don't create waves, don't stand up for yourself and so I never have...I've been bullied more times than I can poke a stick at and never done anything about it - and I'm not sure that I wish I had, but perhaps I wish I'd recognised the treatment I've put up with as bullying and thought to at least mention it...

she has not been bullied - on a number of occasions I have spoken harshly to her and in an aggressive way - i'll admit that.  in my defence it's been when she hasn't been able to do what I consider to be a simple task properly causing me more work during a time of already high stress - that said, my reaction to incompetence is something I'm not proud of - I become indignant (at times), rude (sometimes) and aggressive (sometimes)....and sure, I can have my reaction in my head, but it spills over and out...and ironically the only person who truly suffers is me as I beat myself for an age after it happens...

well right at the moment, my mental health is impacted too - the trauma of how I left my last workplace is still raw, and sure it's been 6 months this week and I'm starting to feel lighter...but it's there and I take this stuff to heart...

I'm so afraid I'm going to be found out to be not perfect - and you probably read that and think, who needs to be perfect - and yes, I agree, but unfortunately as a kid, if I wasn't, life wasn't much fun...the expectations on me were high and consequently I have high expectations of myself and those around me - I wish I didn't - some days I wish I would be happy with it's just enough, but I'm not....

so a couple of things I need to work on:
 - accepting that I'm not perfect and that's ok
 - accepting that not everyone considers responsibility in the way I do
 - that talking up is not making waves or being high maintenance
 - that life is supposed to be more joyful
 - that the only person I really need to answer to is myself (thank you voices in the head - be quiet!)
 - identifying when is enough? I think there is some deep seeded idea that I need to keep doing this but really I just want to get off the treadmill and live an easier life (plenty of other people who have way less than me are way happier!)

see this is the downside of not blogging as much - it tends to come out in a rant - a diatribe like rant which in time, when I re-read, will probably not give much insight, but as I sit here now, I do feel WAY better than when I started writing....

so I'm going to close this one off and start another with a list of things that make me happy and then i'll do the list VBS and SJ would like me to do - re the man!

ciao ciao x