i had a dummy spit, about punctuation!

yep, you read it correctly...

I had a dummy spit about punctuation!

how, you might ask?

well, see in April/May I submitted an application to the Australian Writers' Centre for their 6 month novel writing program having made a commitment to finish Lexie in 2014...unsure now how that commitment is going to pan out, but that's an entirely different story (and post)...

so having been accepted, which wasn't as easy as filling in a form! no, one had to submit a serious chunk of work to be assessed...eek! you all know how much I occasionally struggle with having others review my work - especially my novel

and true, it's not autobiographical, but it's personal and there's a lot of my blood sweat and tears gone into getting it to where it is; which regrettably, is not yet finished!

however, at the start of this program I went in knowing that some of the feedback would be good (it definitely has been)l, some of it crap (yep, that's held true too), and that I would learn loads of great techniques for improving my writing (in spades)...

what I didn't expect was that week in week out people would carry on about fucking punctuation...seriously? I'm interested in voice, structure, plot, pace and the creativity in my writing - surely the punctuation is a matter to resolve just before I submit it for any sort of editorial review and comment?

but no, seemingly not...every time I submit work a small few bang on about it - how it gets in the way of them reading the story blah blah

well I lost it tonight and did a rather public dummy spit - I'm here to learn how to write a better story, not learn where to put a comma or two! and frankly, my punctuation is actually pretty good in the prose, it seems to be the dialogue (which I have on good authority is excellent and realistic etc.)...so now it's become such a big thing that I think the people who bang on about this are STJ's and I'm forming a really big dislike....not to mention a view that some of them are just not able to see the quality over the form...

seriously people, get a life! so after having to listen to all the boring reasons why punctuation is important (and sure, I know it is, just not right now!)....I simply suggested that for the big review they try and focus on the story and creative writing rather than punctuation - and a couple of them continued with their 'oh, but it's hard...blah blah', so simply responded with:

well that's fine but you don't see me harping on about other peoples rubbish grammar, incorrect use of words and poor spelling

yep, I said it! bit brutal but really, as if I paid more than $2k to be constantly told about putting a comma in a line of dialogue...nope, I sure did not!

anyway, reckon it had an impact, coz as I was in the midst of trying to make my point I became only a wee bit emotional and said that as a result of the constant focus on punctuation it had prevented me writing anything new and had frankly destroyed all of my creative process, and you know what? it has, no bloody wonder I'm so reluctant to sit down and type...

and then, to add insult to injury, she's telling us how she's going to 'assign' us to review groups for the big review of our work, and she says she might pair me with the guy who just cannot write - I don't care what anyone says, his stuff is utter tripe - tense all over the shop, I think it's largely autobiographical so he simply can't be objective, incorrect use of words, spelling errors, poor sentence construction, the list goes on...

no siree am I going to be reviewing his drivel...

seriously!

anyway, rant over, and I think you'll find that this piece is punctuated reasonably well!

ttfn x

a trip down memory lane...

so this morning, I decided to throw myself into the task of sorting out the library cupboard! no small task I can tell you...

and for the most part I found it stuffed with bills and bank statements of times gone by, odd snippets of my life in the form of pictures I used to have on the walls of the study, pre renovation, cards from birthdays past that I've held onto, stamps I collected as a child...

and some photos...

and that's where my trip down memory lane started...

I uncovered a handful of notes from Ben, photos of us in happier times....photos from the early days, photos from my 40th, and notes that he'd written me throughout our relationship...bundled together and hidden away from view...

my initial reaction was happiness, and remembering the good times we'd had together, and then I just became sad....

sad because even though there were some good times, great times on occasion, it was a difficult relationship to be in, and even though pictures are said to tell a thousand words, perhaps they don't always tell the real story...

on the face of it, I do look happy in the photos, but they don't tell the story of the turmoil...of the inner voice that was telling me it would never work

and maybe it just wasn't the right time for me, or maybe I was just too afraid of being single again, or maybe it was just that I hadn't yet learned to put my needs ahead of someone elses....

either way it's made for a rather contemplative, at times melancholic and nostalgic day

Ben liked taking photos, and in our time together there are a few good ones....the ones I like best, even back then, where the ones where he looked happy...

it's hard being with something who suffers from depression, and unfortunately for us, a major depressive episode early on in our relationship set the tone for the rhythm between us...

I don't think it ever really recovered from that, and I don't think I did...

in stumbling across the photos and notes from Ben, I remembered some of the times we had together, and some of the nicknames we had for each other...

his names for me: PC (Princess Cupcake), miss Penelope, squiggle bear

some of my name for him: HP (handsome pants), Monty and snoozy bear

i try not to look back, but it's hard not to remember the good times and the people who meant something to you...

and he did mean something to me - he meant a lot to me

i guess what you realise eventually is that the pain goes away, but the good memories find their way to the top, so going down memory lane is nowhere near as painful....eventually

i loved you Ben, and i know you loved me....wishing you only happiness now x

have you ever felt like an imposter?

well, after 3 days at home, mostly mental health days, although I've had an upset stomach and now have sinus infection brewing, that's how I feel...

and sure, there have been some other things happening which have prompted me to not like myself a lot...

so, last week I finally got to meet a senior recruiter from Melbourne - and when she called me on the phone, she caught me off guard, admittedly I really haven't been well, and then when I asked her for feedback about anything I could be doing differently to aid my job search, she said 'well I was a bit taken aback on the phone'...I knew before she said it what she meant...and she'll have probably long forgotten it (or not), but it's a week later and I still haven't....

I remember all the way back to my early therapy days when I really didn't like myself a lot, at least now, I generally like myself more, but recently that's not actually true...

and sure there's been a lot going on of late, not the least of which is how much I dislike my work situation - actually, the work itself is ok, a little boring now, but ok, my team are great, some of the people I work with are ok but it's my boss, my lying deceptive delusional unempathic boss - my boss who'd step on anyone to protect her own reputation, my boss who'd change history if it suited her...yep, and this month marks 4 years of working with her, and I know that it is having a material, and not positive, impact on me, and my behaviour..

then there's the fact that the 2 people I used to speak to most, are no longer what I consider to be friends...Nick, he was never a friend, I just kidded myself he could be as we'd gotten close again, and then Leah, who had a nervous breakdown and was too caught up in her own world to be a friend to me (no blame, just reality)....

so I've largely done this year solo and it's hard....

then there's my awful behaviour on sunday night in the car with my Mum - a learner (very slow) in front of us for too long was driving me mad (I'm the worst version of myself in the car - something to talk to Sal about) and I decided to attempt an overtake! stupid stupid stupid, then mum lays into me, then I blow up at her...not my proudest moment, at least I've apologised to her, but I feel embarrassed to have behaved so badly - and why?

why? yes that is the real question...

WHAT is going on with me right now....well firstly, I really do dislike work and the way my boss treats me is starting to rub off on me and is materially impacting my style (unlike)....then there's how lonely I occasionally feel and I feel as though Leah (unintentionally) and Nick (probably unknowingly) have abandoned me, then there's the fact that I truly need out and there are just no senior HR jobs to be had right now...

consequently I feel stuck, unvalued, and whilst my boss treats others the way she treats me, there's no denying the impact it's having on me - no surprise I've been sick for most of the last year on and off...

and then, maybe earlier today, I started to think that I have NEVER really feel like I fitted in - for one reason or another, and that's kind of true....I wonder if people will find me out - I think this is because I occasionally behave in a way that lets me down and then I beat myself up, and then I start thinking I don't deserve what I have - which is ironic, as I've worked bloody hard, and yet, I still feel like i'll be found out...

and when I tell people what I do - I have always wondered when someone will say 'really? you?'...

so it's challenging being me right now - lots to work through....

mental note to self: focus on the positives! 9 weeks and 2 days is my fabulous holiday! after that, it's only 3 weeks until Xmas (which I'm having at mine), New Year and cricket with Dad and possibly Dan, then my birthday (which is on a Saturday, yay!), then Aust Day and I may get to Melbs for some tennis....then it's only 7 weeks until bonus payday....after that, it should get a lot easier, and in that time I am hopeful that a job might emerge....

I've spent a lot of today contemplating a move to NYC - really think there could be something in that....

so, plenty to think about, plenty to talk about with Sal on Saturday...bring that on! and hopefully this imposter syndrome will abate...

nite x