the butterfly...

has butterflies! yep, a bad (or good actually) case of butterflies ahead of our 'dinner' tonight...

for the 2nd time in as many catch ups, i am nervous and excited and full of the anticipation of what might be...

so yes, my tummy feels like a giant butterfly pit, and it's not bad....

funny too i've caught myself in recent days (and usually when lying in bed contemplating it all) becoming overcome with very strong feelings for him and what might be....hmmm, i think i might be falling for him...

and you know? it's nice...

and sure i'm scared, and still a bit concerned about the 'work' thing, but it's nice and i like it, and i like being this interested in someone....

i like that he's becoming more thoughtful, that's he doing stuff he wouldn't normally do (for me), i like that he does things for me...yep, pretty much i just like it...

and him, yep, i like him....no longer any point in denying it, coz i do....

only question is: what am i gonna do about it?

inevitably...

i had something of a minor regression today, but not one i intend to beat myself up about, nor spend too much time analysing...

bottom line is i was knackered and sad after hearing something at work that really got to me, as well as some sad personal news (a very good friend of my sister's has bladder cancer...such a lovely bloke, pretty sad about it myself as they are, basically, family) and i just found myself curled up on the couch feeling very lonely and wanting to reach out to him...

sure, it took me hours before i finally did, and what i expected was that he would either not respond, or run away (you know, having observed him 'move away' whenever i move towards), but no...instead he asked me if i'd been drinking (ha!) and then promptly invited me over to dinner tomorrow night (and he is going to cook)...

will wonders ever cease?

and he has downloaded some 'samples' of new tv shows for us to watch, and really? i'm supposed to think we are not having a relationship....

how is that possible? and sure if i hadn't texted him tonight, he may not have texted me but that would be the first night in AGES that we hadn't spoken...

funny, last week i really felt the need for some space and some 'me' time and tonight, when it looked likely, i really wanted to reach out to him...

hmmm unsure what to make of that?

so a sleep in (i'm working from home tomorrow so don't have to battle the harbour traffic), a run if the sun is shining, then a stack of stuff to do, a women's networking lunch and dinner with FC to look forward to....nice!

happy tuesday nite folks
xx

lucky girl

is what he called me tonight....and you know, in many ways i am...although i dispute being lucky - fortunate perhaps, but not lucky, anyway, that's semantics!

and i feel 'lucky' really, because despite the difficulty of the last few months, a new Sarah has emerged and she's happy, confident, not so hung up on every little word he says, or every little thing he does, she's happy to say no to him, she's quite comfortable letting him do the work....it's so liberating! and i wonder why on earth this lesson didn't come along sooner? sure, i may not have been ready, but really, it feels so very good....

freeing, yep, i feel free...free to be me

it's nice, i like it, and i think that even though it's early days, this *lesson* may be well and truly learned...

thank you universe! and thank you leah - could NOT have done it without you...

so, yes, this girl is feeling very lucky and extremely happy tonight

nite world xx

pressured

and a wee bit confused is how i'm feeling today....so his continual references to 'fun Sarah' make me wonder if he thinks the 'me' he usually sees isn't fun? and if, at 43, i should feel the need to be 'fun'? i mean, what is fun anyway? a very subjective term...i think his version of fun is me getting horribly drunk with him and him perhaps hoping that i will then sleep with him...and sure, a part of me would like nothing more, god knows, this whole being friends who cuddle and sometimes kiss is becoming increasingly difficult to sustain...and if we didn't work together i am certain i would have slept with him by now, but the risk of sleeping with him, him then running away (not like he hasn't done this before) is too much...i SO need for work to be somewhere that i can go without the complication of a failed sexual relationship....

so, not sure where that leaves us really?

and all this following the very suggestive and sexual messages of saturday night...so pressured was sunday morning, before he came over...

then, despite that, i had a lovely day! did my run, picked up some food, watched Carlton finally get a win (albeit a scrappy one against the D's), and then FC arrived...

he showered, we had tea, we settled in for 1/4 Revenue episodes, i made us dinner, then we watched the remaining 3, all the time cuddled up...

after the big song and dance he made about my hair saturday, and the very suggestive and flirtatious texts of friday and saturday, nothing...

no kiss goodnight, no hug, nothing...

weird! and for the FIRST time in this entire 'relationship' i went to bed wondering if there was something there? if he was really someone i wanted to explore getting to know more?

and you know what? i'm not sure, even this morning, i still wasn't sure...and sure we have a nice time together, we are much more comfortable with each other, he is doing 'all' the work...and still, i'm not sure?

so wondering what that is? wondering if the 'work' thing is holding me back (that's definitely a big part of it), or wondering if the new Sarah is just taking her time to see if there could really be something there

so, did not like the feeling of being pressured...didn't like it at all, and methinks that is progress! for the old Sarah would have given in to the pressure, all in the vain hope it would make him like me more...ha! not falling for that one again....

entirely unsure

is how I feel following spending an evening with him at mine...

and interestingly I was nervous before he arrived

haven't felt like that with him for a while

probably because of the 'pressure' I referred to in an earlier post?

so after all of his drunken flirtatious and at times, very suggestive texts of last night, not even a kiss good night...

hmmm I don't understand him at all and sure he was edgy and anxious tonight (and that just reminded me a little too much of the ex and how things were ...eek) but still, it's as if he has 2 very distinct personalities...

and tonight for the first time I found the 'smoking' (well not the act of it but the smell) irritating....

so, wonder what's happening? unsure is definitely where it's at for me...

definitely some things for me to ponder on!

funny, only yesterday I was telling Sal that I had really noticed him moving towards me and that with that had come some comfort for me in not moving and staying put...but also a foreshadowing that i might really fall for him, but right now, right at this very moment, i couldn't feel any less like that....

funny how when the 'shine' comes off something it looks a whole lot different!

nite xx

hmmm a little uncomfortable

is how i feel now that he is drunk (well i can't know that for sure, but he's been drinking for hours and is at pub so it seems a sound assumption)....

so his texting has moved into suggestive/flirtatious, and i can't say i'm overly comfortable with that...i'm doing my best job of ignoring/deflecting, but i think i should (well, let's not go with should as Sal, wouldn't be happy with that) say something....

this is the same man who only a few weeks ago told me he only wanted something casual, i've made it very clear i am not going to do that with him (a) because i don't want to and (b) because we work together....

so that leaves me in unfamiliar territory - well familiar in that i have some fear about establishing a boundary (fear that he will run away...seems unlikely frankly, but this is all too familiar to me) and unfamiliar in that i find myself not inclined to get into that sort of a conversation and not feeling that 'compulsion' to respond...

reality is, me responding and letting him see that side of me on his terms, is actually not going to make me feel good and i doubt very much if it will mean he likes me more (which is an old belief)....

in fact, i am certain that maintaining some distance, some intrigue in these situations is a good thing for me to do....

yep, and funnily enough, changing this particular pattern doesn't seem so hard....sure i'd like nothing more than to flirt with relative abandon with him, but it just doesn't seem like a good idea...

so, we'll see!

meet me half way....

interesting! which is exactly what i thought we he sent me the youtube video of Black Eyed Peas 'Meet Me Half Way' last night after a lengthy text conversation....more on that later!

so this week has been good! mostly because i think i have managed to have a HUGE breakthrough this week and it has really helped me to stay with my needs, and not do the whole 'move towards' thing...

so last Friday and again on Monday i think i let something he either did or didn't do send me into a spin, when in both instances, i am certain that whatever it was (and isn't that the irony, i can't even remember!) had NOTHING to do with me, but i made it all about me...

turns out that having spent my whole life feeling like i had to take responsibility for 100% of any relationship i was in, that means that i forget or ignore my own needs, my feelings, allow boundaries to be stepped over and ultimately end up feeling worthless...

yep, and i realised that i no longer want to do that...and by 'do that' i mean react (with only my deeply buried limbic brain memories) with behaviour that really belongs to a much younger Sarah, a Sarah who's not sure of herself, who has no needs, who's too afraid to enforce boundaries...a Sarah who so desperately wants that unconditional love that she forgets who she is, and what she wants....

well no more! and it's not easy...nope, 43 years of doing this thing is very difficult to change but i have had some success this week, and it's been so very empowering! i feel really proud of myself, so pleased i have invested the time and energy to go to therapy, to get to know myself better, to really look at the patterns that work for me, and those that don't....

and i'm pleased that the 'mirror' that FC has been (as he is, in many many ways a mirror...) is helping me to see so much of how i 'am' in relationship, which frankly, has been not great...unsure, not taking up any space, and probably, making it very difficult to be with me....

yep! well no more of that Sarah....no, instead she is going to be replaced with confident Sarah, gorgeous Sarah, Sarah who knows what she wants (and I do), and a Sarah who will look after her needs, not take responsibility for the entire 'space' between 2 people, a Sarah who has boundaries, who is comfortable holding them and who wants to be with someone who will meet me half way....

so imagine my surprise last night when (after a lengthy text conversation which ended up becoming slightly suggestive) he sends me a text with a link to a youtube video of 'Meet Me Half Way'....so i listened to it, listened to the lyrics, and it scared me a bit

it's basically a song about two people who want to be together and about meeting half way - sign? drunken gesture? who knows...seems, that me staying in my 'space' this week, and not feeling the need to 'move towards him' or contact him if some period of time goes by without him contacting me (i.e. i'm letting him turn up, letting him do some work, letting him miss me even....go figure, who ever thought that'd be a good strategy?) has had a dramatic impact on him....and me, let's not underestimate how IMPORTANT it's been for my sense of self, but he seems to be moving towards me constantly, complimenting me and i feel as though we have moved to an entirely different place....one where, i now think i 'really' like him (rather than previously it was simply the fantasy), and one where (eek) i could, if it were to continue, really fall for him....

shit! of course i'm scared for a number of reasons: firstly, it isn't long since he said he was in a casual frame of mind and didn't want to be in a relationship, so i don't want to get ahead of myself thinking he may now be ready to embark on something....and secondly, this is the first time that i've managed to try out this 'new way of being' whilst in a relationship (of sorts...of course i'm still not entirely 'sure' what is going on between FC and i but still)....and of course there is the other option? that he likes me enough that he is ready and then we do embark on something?

fuck! not sure how i would react to that....sure, i like him, but i'm not certain about a couple of things....guess there's only one way to find out really?

anyway, i loved the song he sent me and i 'really' like where things are at...although the 'suggestive' texts i'm not sure about...if he's not ready to move into something with me, then i'm not sure i want to be 'flirting' with him...that can only last so long and i don't think it's fair on me!

soooo now to find my 'list', yep the one i wrote a week after Ben and I split, the list of what i want...then i can see how he measures up!

nite xx

seems he's not

the only one who needs to retreat....

not sure what happened, or maybe i am, but i really need some distance from him right now

and not because of anything bad, on the contrary....i've been trying so hard to go with the flow and 'be friends and see where it goes' as per his request of the other week, and it's been mostly good, often challenging, sometimes confusing but mostly good...

and now, i'm not sure (and i don't want to jinx it or get my hopes up) but i think he is starting to shift....

so we had another nice night last night, so nice we fell asleep in each others arms...

the last few days have been another few days of intense connection and i think we are *finally* getting to a place where we can be nice to each other...it's taken some time! and that's not entirely a surprise...we work together, i initially had my unhealthy 'fantasy' running with him, he got scared and ran away, i had a melt down, he moved back towards me, i stayed a bit aloof, then we talked it out, now we spend at least 2 nights a week together and i guess we are now finally starting to get to know each other, the veneer (at least mine) is starting to melt, his too i guess, and you know what? it's really nice...

sure, there are things about him i don't like, and there are things about me he probably doesn't like, but i feel as if we have hit a groove suddenly...and not exactly suddenly, as really it's been months in the making...

so today he tells me it's been nice to see 'Sarah'....that's after last night telling me i always look lovely (after putting his arm around me and kissing me on the cheek), that he has a penchant for redheads, that i have lovely hair, that my hair is one of my best features, that i was right (yep, this seems trivial, but he's not one to admit that anyone other than him is right)....

i finally feel comfortable to be me with him, not the 'me' i think he wants to see, but me...and you know what? he likes me...

and a little part of me is scared...hence the need to retreat to my sanctuary, where i can just sit with my thoughts....

lyrics from Scooter's Nessaja....any wonder i LOVE this song:


Always lived my life alone, 
Been searching for a place called home. 
I know that I've been cold as ice, 
Ignored the dreams, too many lies. 
Somewhere deep inside, Somewhere deep inside me, 
I found ... the child I used to be
And I know that it's not too late 
Never,
Too late... 

i gotta stop

taking EVERYTHING so bloody personally, really, enough is enough!

so today (and even last night) was a big lesson for me, and one i really want to try and remember...

especially since last week when i had a similar 'reaction' to something FC did, it turned out to be nothing - well nothing real anyway, meaning i had made up a whole 'story' about what was going on, when probably it was absolutely nothing....

so last night: what a shocker and i'm somewhat embarrassed to think about it, but i need to.  if i'm to remember what i did, how i felt, and how it all started, it's worth reviewing...

so, like i have done MY entire life, since i suspect, very very early on in my life, when i suspect that someone 'moves away from me' (even if they may have done nothing) or even if i read the tiniest bit of disapproval, i go into 'move towards them' mode, move away from me and my needs, and an overwhelming desire (let's call it an addiction, coz it is) to DO something...

rather than sitting with my discomfort...and this is not easy...nope, it's a life long pattern that stems, i think, from the relationship with my mother, the references as i was growing up to being a mistake, to never feeling loved or understood unless i 'did' something for them to be proud of...and that pattern, sadly, has not yet found a way to exit my life

but now

now is the time! yep, i'm done with this pattern, and sure, as a kid who so desperately needed the approval of my mother, it may have served me, but today, all it does is make me feel inadequate and also drive a wedge between myself and men

funny, this doesn't seem to be the pattern of my relationships with friends (well, historically it has been, but to a much lesser extent)....nope, this sort of behaviour is reserved for those men i think i want 'to love me' and in doing so will make up for the love i didn't get as a child...

yep, fucked up! really, it is....it's such a crappy thing to realise, and not like it's taken me all this time, but it's been very present in my relationship with FC as i have vowed to do things with him differently...and sure, we aren't actually in a 'relationship' as such, but still, he's here for me to learn something and this, amongst all the other previously documented things, is obviously a lesson that's ready to be learnt

it must be, coz it keeps coming up and nothing is so true that when you are ready to learn something, the universe will find all manner of ways to bring it to your attention, and that is what's happening right now...

in fact, Easter was the most obvious example of this, and whilst i am not willing to concede that he (in part) behaved badly, i did manage to turn it around and make it all about me, when in fact, it had very little to do with me....

and as Leah reminds me regularly he is an 'i' on steroids - true! he is, not like me, who has a clear preference for introversion but 2 very clear sub scales in 'e' (for those of you who are not MBTI familiar, i apologise for the jargon)....so she politely (actually not really!) reminded me of all the times i have not wanted to catch up with her when i need to be in my cave...yes, there are a few, and of course, all the times she hasn't wanted to catch up with me (again, a few) and she asked me if i'd ever taken her saying no personally...of course i really haven't!

so why do it with him? but not with anyone else? yep, and not just him, all men before him...it's a well developed pattern, you know the sort of pattern that is like walking a familiar and comfortable road, and yet,  it's no longer that comfortable....sure the 'doing' is comfortable but the results, well the results, are just not what i want anymore....

so, it's time for a change...

and as i write this, we've had a text exchange and he's told me that he's not interested in cooking or food, and it's just one more thing about him that makes me question whether i REALLY like him, or whether i like the idea of someone and he's currently in view...

not sure really, not sure....and maybe, just maybe, that's not a bad thing!

nite xxx

it might be time

to accept that NOTHING is going to happen between us...

see, not that i am deluded, but i have held onto the wish, the dream, some hope that things would eventuate between FC and I, and honestly, based on how i feel this morning (and my reaction to something that is probably NOTHING to do with me)...i'm feeling, well, how am I feeling exactly?

so i wonder if now the thing for me to do, rather than run away (as per last night's post) or go through the 'fuck you' scenario in my head (there's a part of me that is still doing that as I'm a bit cranky) is to actually try and accept that nothing will happen between us

and by accept i don't mean write it off, but i think i need to clear my headspace - he has been in my head every day for over 3 months and i'm tired...it's exhausting, it's distracting, and not in a good way at times, and i suspect, it may be futile to hope that he will be where i think i am...

yep, futile, so now i need to find a way to step onto the path that will lead to acceptance...acceptance that he likes me but the timing is wrong, that i like him but am unsure exactly what i want, acceptance that no matter how hard i try, he will do what he wants to do (and he's told me that)....

wish me luck!

approval...

yep, seems that is one of the aspects of this moving towards...my need for approval

good to know that i guess, but then there is the 'what is the next step so it doesn't control me?'

and it's all too familiar side effect of deciding (in a moment of utter black and white thinking) that 'running away' from it all will help....

it won't, really, it's not going to help at all

but right now, what i am feeling (and it doesn't feel like the behaviour of a 43 year old but more like a petulant hurt child, who knows only one way) is that i should now cut all ties (and sure, that's a bit dramatic, and not even possible due to the work thing)...

and i have done this before, yep, this path is so well traversed that it's a bit scary to be so aware in the moment it's happening...

so the pattern is this: feel the need for approval (wherever that comes from, yes, working out those triggers might be very very useful), move towards someone (and it's NEVER a girlfriend or someone i actually trust - typically it's some bloke or other that i'm in a dysfunctional relationship with, yep things with FC definitely fall into that category methinks), don't get the response i want (which is either approval, or emotional support, sometimes even empathy...), get cranky (at them) and then, worse, get cranky at myself for having not being able to control myself in reaching out....and then want to cut them off...

fuck!

it seems so simple when i say it like that, and possibly it is, maybe not, but i haven't (perhaps) before now, been ready to confront it

so in this particular instance i am now thinking that i won't go car shopping with him tomorrow (if he turns out to be available), that i won't catch up with him Wed night (if he remembers the 'pencil it in' plan he made with me early Sunday morning)...hmmm wondering why i do this? perhaps it's akin to writing someone off, and my flawed thinking is that if i do that, i can't risk further embarrassment or hurt, or rejection

this too is familiar, the all too 'fuck you' loop that is now playing in my head.....yep, fuck you! 

and there it is, that's how i actually feel: a bit brushed off...but really, he's tired, we are just friends (i'm not sure i believe this actually) and my expectations are, well, they are mine and they are probably not fair to push onto him...but honestly, i feel like something else might be going on (and i felt that way friday, but of course he gave up a lot of his saturday to pick me up, ferry me around etc)....and now i'm annoyed that only 3 days ago i had some evidence, and instead of referring to it, i let the old stuff move to the front...fuck!

still, is it unreasonable when you ask a friend how they are, for them to make a similar enquiry about you? honestly, i don't think it is....

ok, to use an expression one of my bff's would use 'i'm over myself', so will take myself to bed and hope that a good nights sleep is in order...

tired, cranky, disappointed and a wee bit embarrassed....

annoyed with self....

too! i knew as i started to text him that i shouldn't and yet i did...

fuck! haven't felt that compulsion in weeks, so what is going on?

probably not helped by the fact that i have been feeling bad about not talking to my mum, who i just talked to, disappointed he hadn't responded to an earlier text (although he will probably say, if i were to bring it up, which i won't, have long given up with that sort of questioning...that it needed no response), bored?

the thing that really frightens me sometimes is this OVERWHELMING and frankly, at times, UNCONTROLLABLE urge to move towards him and away from myself and then regretting it...

yep, this is, sadly, a very very familiar pattern and one i really want to change...

so, maybe all i can do right now, rather than admonish myself, is to accept that it's done, and even though i'd like to change it, i can't, and ultimately it's not a big deal, but it is something for me to observe and learn from...

honestly, it's an addiction - i was going to say it's like an addiction, but it's not like one, it IS one...

and you know? i don't really know how to kick it?

so i was suffering from mondayitis before, and now it seems to have moved through a whole other array of emotions, not the least of which is disappointment....

don't like it....

that's all!

ps normally this would be the time i consider removing their number from my phone, but that just seems futile! that's not actually going to help though is it Sarah? nope, gotta look deeper than that, way way deeper!

seriously...

i don't know why i continue to expect that in reaching out to him i'll get what i need (or is it what i want?)...

unsure, but anyway, not for the first time, his literalness has annoyed me....

one 'busy' day at work and he's tired...fuck! and of course it DOES take a lot of energy to communicate with someone by text...apparently not when he's bored or he wants to, but when i want to...yep!

so, this might be another lesson - this one is the 'don't be so fucking available to him' lesson...one i should have learned with Ben (probably) and one that i think is now staring me in the face....

so tonight after very little contact today, except for me asking if he wanted to come test drive the golf with me this week, he said yes, either 2mrw or friday and me telling him that i'd just had some amazing potatoes at a french restaurant and that if he was lucky i would make them for him next time we caught up, his response slightly tongue in cheek asking if i was 'swanning around lunching?'...so i text him just now (yes, why did i do that? am i bored? am i missing him? am i just feeling the need to 'move towards'? yes that's probably it, so perhaps it might be good as i make my way to the post tennis shower, to consider what i wanted in that exchange? what my expectations of him were? and what is it that i need/want that i have assumed he will deliver?

when, seriously, can he? i'm not even sure i know what it is that made me reach out, so yes, some work to do....

so, i'm going to just observe my thoughts this evening and see what little 'gems' i uncover....

seriously, WHEN am i going to learn this lesson?

hopefully soon!

blue golf?

so yes, one of the things we did this week was go to the local VW dealership - he's looking at a new car, and i am too...yes, finally i think it's time for me to buy the car i've wanted for many many years: a VW Golf, in this case the GTI...

it was truly a lovely way to spend a lunch hour (of course, it was slightly more than an hour, but still)....he asks me if i'm ready, we agree to take his car, we discuss what we both want with the sales guy (actually not a bad guy, not your typical car salesman), we take the car he likes for a test drive (too sporty for me but he likes it), we get back to his car, he asks me if i want to drive his car back (after telling me only days before that he would never let me drive his car!), i do (it's nice, so nice that i decide i really want one - of course have driven one before when i had one a coupla years back when on holiday in the UK), we get back to work, i thank him for a lovely time and he responds with 'a pleasure' (this is very unlike him...)

even funnier is that when we set off he asks me how my morning has been (lucky i wasn't drinking anything, might have choked)...maybe i'm getting through to him

then we have dinner together wednesday, after 'grocery shopping' to pick up some items (that was weird - in a comfortable but uncomfortable domestic sort of way...weird, and nice), then a lovely (and late) night together....

we are becoming so much more comfortable with each other and i like that...we seem (almost) to have a 'way' with each other at his place now (how did that happen?)....

and i left feeling that this 'just being friends' caper was going to be sooo much harder to manage for me...

didn't see him Thursday (i was in town) which was actually nice, nice to have some separation although we texted throughout the day and he admitted to feeling on edge...guess i was happy he feels comfortable to admit that to me, but i also have to admit that i felt a bit pressured too...see when Ben and I were together, i always felt so bloody responsible for his moods, and looking after him, i felt that familiar pull when I read FC's text....but it was great that in the moment i recognised it, and so rather than feeling like i had to 'do' something (this is an age old pattern for me and stems back to, probably, my earliest childhood), i simply sent him a text saying i was sending him positive thoughts and a hug...and honestly, as a friend, what else would you do?

so, yes, we have progress! anyway, i'm rambling! i'm seriously considering a new car, especially now i know the dealer will get it made in the navy blue i want (it doesn't come standard in this colour you understand, so it would be a special order - I'm worth it! and i am not spending that much money on a car that isn't blue...), won't be here til around xmas, but that's ok...

so, new car (probably) and some progress, but still, largely confused and a bit unsure....

hmmm

uncertain....

is really how i feel but the patterns of my past seem to be doing a reasonably good job of making me think that FC is someone i really want to be with....

and sure, i do like him, and the more we spend time together and the more i get to know him, the more i like, and the more i know him...and yes, there are some things about him i still don't really like, nor know if i would be able to deal with them (or perhaps accept is a better word) if i were to contemplate a long term relationship with him...

things like at times, his lack of social graces (self confessed), his sometimes 'running away', although perhaps that isn't running away, it's just his stronger preference for 'i' than mine, and i choose to take it personally, the smoking (yeah, really unsure how i would deal with that in the long term), the drinking (and yes, i know i went out and got smashed with him last night, but this is not exactly typical for me, whereas he seems to drink a lot), his attitude at work sometimes (and sure, if we didn't work together i probably wouldn't know this about him...or would i? yes, maybe i would)...not sure if i don't like it or i'm just envious he pulls it off (uncertain)....

and of course there are the things that i like about him...which seem to be growing in number: his consideration (so yesterday he picks me up, drops me at writing, hours later picks me up from writing, all so i don't have to drive to his when we know we're going to be drinking, when we get there he asks whether i am wearing shoes that enable walking (this is kind of cute), he is starting to ask me how i am and what i've been doing, and we are really starting to enjoy spending time together now there is no pressure of it being 'a date'....and he is now doing most of the work which is good, and yet, just makes me sad, coz really, this is what i want in a relationship, and what him and i have right now is really a relationship of sorts, minus the sex and the commitment, and i think he has me exactly where he wants me....do i think this is intentional on his part? i dunno...i know that i am struggling with it at times, like today, having said that i'm on nowhere near enough sleep and am hungover, so today is not the ideal time to making any judgements or decisions about how i feel (generally or about him)....

i realised last night, just before i got up to leave that i felt sad...sad that what we have is the sort of thing i didn't have with Ben and is what i want in a relationship, and yet he insists we are just friends...i'm pretty sure we're not...before he'd even walked me to a cab he's organising our next catch up, we lay on the couch wrapped in each others arms for hours...this is not something i do with other friends, not even my bff's...so yep, i'm a little sad as i do think there are still mixed messages and at some point, whatever is going on now, will have to come to an end...

one way or the other...and i'm a bit torn...i don't want to not be friends with him, coz we enjoy each others company and i like that he does things for me, i really do...i probably would like to be a bit more unavailable to him, and not to play any games, but to give him (and me) some space to realise if he does really like me (i mean sure, he likes me, we know this, but i want him to like me as something more than a friend, and not this week, or next perhaps, but at some point)...and then i wonder if i am only doing the 'friend' thing because we work together and i don't feel i can risk cutting him off altogether (and of course i would lose out on hanging out with him then, so that doesn't seem a very good idea at all) and because i am so so so hopeful that he will wake up in some period of time and realise he wants more, realise he wants to be with me...

and then the confusion sets in, coz there are times when i question whether i'd want to be with him, and this is where i think my past patterns are colliding with my current reality, and perhaps i don't want to be with him so much, as to be with someone, and he is simply in my path right now...and i don't mean that in a clinical or mean way coz i like this man a lot...i do, and the more i get to know him, the more i understand him, the less i take his 'stuff' personally and the more 'me' i feel able to be - surely, whatever happens between us, this is good, and it's certainly 'growth' for me....

but i'm uncertain: uncertain about where things might end up despite trying to be in the moment, uncertain if he's clear, uncertain if he's stringing me along....

yep, pretty uncertain!

up and down...

is the only way i can describe today! so the end to what's been a great week wasn't as good as the rest of the week...

and i'm not sure if that's because i thought he gave me a weird look at work today, whether i have some level of anxiety about whether or not there is anything going on with him and a girl in his team (he assures me there is not), whether it's because i didn't hear from him tonight (or much at work today) and sure he's out at the football...still, i don't feel good about something and i'm not entirely sure what it is...

of course a lovely night with Leah helped, lots of reflecting and analysing about her situation with someone she works for and my situation with FC...she is convinced it's more than friends, and i'm not inclined to disagree with her, but for some reason his 'distance' (if you can really call it that, and you probably cannot!) seems to have gotten into my head and for the first time in weeks i find myself doubting not only whether he likes me but i am doubting myself...:(

an entirely unsatisfactory way to end what has otherwise been a great week and one where we have had MORE contact than any other week....

weird! so, there must be something in this for me, some learning, some reflection, some little gem that i can take away, reflect about and learn from, and yes, i'm sure it's all part of the universe's grand plan for me, but right now i'm not able to distill it into something i can swallow...

so, bed for me and some more contemplation and then, a lazy morning, therapy, writing class (oops, still haven't done my bloody homework) and the afternoon/evening with him...

and you know what's really frightening? there is a small part of me that thinks just coz we haven't spoken tonight (and sure, I haven't texted him either...) tomorrow won't happen! it's official: i'm insane...

anyway, i'm feeling ok, just a bit unsure, but mostly ok...and of course on top of being unsure about what's going on for me, i'm unsure about what's going on for me too!

nite x

ps by the time i finished therapy, he had texted asking what time i needed to be at class....i need to remember that this is evidence that when he's busy, he's busy and it has NOTHING to do with me!

in the moment....

is where i'm trying really hard to be, seems that jumping ahead and creating expectations really does detract from that 'in the moment enjoyment', and so that's what i'm trying out right now....

and sure i've done this before, it's something i had to learn to do with counselling and coaching clients - in fact i observed that once i let go of needing to know or feel like i had to know 'what was next' or what question to ask next, that by simply being in the moment made me a better coach, a better counsellor...who knew? well, maybe i can apply that learning to things with FC, and in fact, not just FC, but generally

surely, it's a good way of trying to live life?

and last night, for a minute, i was so in the moment that i completely forgot where and who i was with and a consequently he saw a glimpse of my childish self (i love her BTW so it's not an issue)....he laughed for minutes, and even more so when i said to him 'hmmm guess i forgot where i was', he just smiled...

so maybe just maybe this being in the moment, and not analysing where things are going to go, maybe it alleviates some of the pressure to 'do' anything and instead to focus on 'being'...

gonna ponder on that today....

and for the record, when i got home last night and when i woke up this morning i realised that even though i am very happy with where things are at between us right now, i also realised that i am starting to really like him....

eek!

ps what i realised though is that previously i would go into all sorts of analysis about why that was good, or why that was bad, but this morning as i've observed the thoughts and feelings coursing through my body, i have just tried to be with it...and you know what? i have found myself smiling a lot

how are you?

yep, not exactly a difficult question, and yet, he seems largely incapable of asking it...

what is that? seriously, what is that?

bad parenting?
doesn't care?
doesn't realise that when someone asks you that, it's polite to ask them the same?
doesn't get that friends actually ask each other how they are?

seriously, i think it's just rude, and now that my eyes are open, the rose coloured glasses are well and truly off, the fantasy is dead, well i just find it annoying...

of course i'm still going car shopping with him tomorrow although based on how i feel right now, i'm not sure it's a good idea...i think he'll be weird coz it's happening during the day...and then, i'm having dinner at his house and watching more Revenge...really? this from the man who is only in the casual frame of mind right now and doesn't want a relationship...sure! we spent Sunday night together, we're going car shopping tomorrow, on Monday night he's asking me when i'm free to watch more Revenge, I give him a couple of options and he says 'both?'...yep, this is definitely weird...

and sure, maybe he really does only want to be friends, but he fancies me (we both know this, he's admitted to it on more than one occasion), he knows i did fancy him (although i'm not sure how clued in he is to my diminishing feelings in that regard), but it seems he just can't get enough of me...and yes, on some level that's flattering, but it's also a bit confusing....

anyway, i'm doing fine, in fact GREAT, thanks for asking!

utterly disappointing...

is the only way i can describe the Blues performance (if you could call it that) this evening...not fucking happy Jan! nothing convincing about their performance tonight - and plenty of work to do!

in other matters i really feel as though i have finally regained my sense of equilibrium, and no longer feel so 'addicted' to a certain someone...it seems following our conversation Thursday night i got some of what i wanted to say off my chest, and made it pretty clear i was over the mixed messages...

for the most part, he seems to be respectful of that and i have to say that i am pleased...it's making it much easier to go to work, to get done what i need to get done, to even enjoy it, and you know what? the sad thing in all of this is that when i was unsure of his feelings, i really didn't enjoy work...and that's just not good! i love my job, i love my team, and we have so much to do, so not enjoying work really was a major downer - at a time when being able to throw myself into work and 'distract' myself, having him there was simply too big a mountain to climb...

but anyway, i'm feeling wiser and much calmer this week, seems some switch or other clicked in my head on Friday night whilst having dinner with Eunika (lovely girl i met on plane)....so in my head, for the most part, i'm now seeing him as a friend, and sure he's a friend i've pashed, sure he's a friend i frequently cuddle on the couch with (this is not normal, as Leah keeps reminding me), sure he's a friend who wants to shag me (and likewise, i am pretty sure i want to shag him), and sure he's someone that for a coupla months and a few dates, i really really really wanted to be more with...

but really, what can i do other than be my lovely self...he's not ready for anything serious, i'm not willing to do anything casual so impasse it where it's at...and initially i thought that being friends with him would be hard (and sometimes it is, i'd be lying if i said otherwise), but also, there are things about him i don't like...and certainly wouldn't choose if i was describing my ideal partner...

so, here's those things, just in case i find myself slipping into the fantasy that is me and him:

• the smoking: i've convinced myself i don't really hate it, but when he arrived at work this morning i ran into him (and got into lift he'd been in) and it was gross, no other word for it really, not to mention he smokes a lot so if we got serious i would probably spend a whole lot of time wondering if he was going to die...either way, not good;
• he drinks, a lot! and sure, it's not for me to judge (i totally get that), but i wouldn't choose to be with someone who needs to drink to open up;
• he is selfish and does what he wants - by his own admission...i don't want to be with someone who's selfish and sure that might just be him in his post 4 year relationship break up phase but still..i don't see myself with someone who's selfish;
• he has limited social graces (at least that i've seen), and even my team were talking about this today;
• i really do wonder if there is something going on with a girl in his team (although he's told me he thinks her underhand and manipulative) but i have a nagging doubt, and that makes me wonder if he's stringing me along...hmmm, entirely unsure on this;
• right now, he has me exactly where he wants me (and sure, i could change that...more to say on that particular subject, but for another post)...i'm pretty much available when he want to talk, we spend a lot of time chatting, watching tv, cuddling etc, so essentially we are having a relationship without the sex and the commitment (he doesn't want the commitment but wants the sex, i want the sex but only with a commitment of sorts)...
• he occasionally still does give out mixed messages, then apologises, then says it's because he's not clear (not good)

on the other side of all this is just how attentive he now is...no sooner is he out of work today than he's asking me when we are watching more Revenge (coz he doesn't want to watch without me - that's kinda sweet)...

so, honestly, i don't get it! i'm glad i'm not as hung up on him as i was only weeks ago, i'm trying to be me, go with the flow of this 'being friends' palaver, and then, well? who knows...

anyway, almost bored of him being the subject of my posts, so am going to try my hardest to write about something entirely FC unrelated tomorrow!

nite xx

i feel good

yes, James Brownesque i feel good

i really do! i have no idea how long it's gonna last but i feel good

seems i finally threw myself back into my life this week, and my god, i have been missing so much! so many amazing friends, so many things i like to do (like the quiet saturday night at home - haven't done it and enjoyed it for ages, and i sooooo enjoyed it last night, admittedly FC did start up with what turned out to be a lengthy text conversation, but still)....

soo i'm trying to stay in the moment, be present and enjoy the here and now, and just go with the flow...yep, not gonna be easy at times, but then, the best things in life are never free...and not like this is going to cost money, but time and willpower and a desire for a different result...

reckon it will be 'money' well spent :-)

have a great day y'all and happy mothers day wherever you are!

hmmm there is a part

of me that wishes i could just do the casual sex thing with him...

so tonight, he's out, he starts up the texting, i invite him over to watch revenge, he says no, he's drunk and tired and trying to avoid the mixed messages...

long conversation ensues and he basically apologises for not being able to deliver what i want, and says he hates disappointing me...

shit, it is seriously a shame that he only recently got out of a big relationship....

anyway i digress, not sure if it's because i've had a great day, or because i had a vodka or two pre writing, or if i really do fancy him in that way, but i would really like to shag him....

of course i won't, as he pointed out, i would regret it in the morning and it wouldn't make me happy (see, and this makes me like him more...so many men i have known would do it anyway, not caring how i would feel, but not him...)

so, maybe it's time to find someone to have casual sex with, whilst he sorts his shit out...

hmmm appealing!

funny...

realised tonight that the bad guy in my novel is called Nik....

just sayin'

infp...

so, turns out i'm an infp, not really a surprise...

i redid my MBTI this week so now just waiting to get the type II report so i can see how it all stacks up!

thanks L xx

baby steps...

is what i took tonight...

yep, so after almost 2 weeks of avoiding (is that the right word? not sure) my parents, i finally call them tonight...

i have really struggled since they were here, in some ways, and as sad as this is, i was embarrassed that i had a complete and utter meltdown in front of them, and then, having had the realisation about the impact my mother has had on me, and subsequently, on my intimate relationships with men, i just haven't wanted to talk to her...

and that's been hard really, it's pretty hard to know that your parents won't be around forever, but then, still insist on not talking to them at times...yep, that's been difficult for me to manage, and i'm not sure i have managed it that well...

anyway, no harm seems to be done and who ever really knows what's going on for someone else, but they seemed fine when i spoke to them tonight....doesn't help that she is recovering from breast cancer so i have experienced some guilt in keeping them at a distance for a while, but you know what? i had to do it for myself...

so baby steps in speaking to them tonight, and i'm certain it's not going to end up being anything other than baby steps really, but at least i don't have to deal with the guilt on top of everything else...

sigh!

ps and just like that my feeling good seems to have evaporated :(

for the first time in ages...

i feel inspired to write, and so tonight, that's EXACTLY what i'll be doing...

had my writing class today, minus Fran, which meant it wasn't quite as good, but still...

and the woman who really annoyed me at the beginning, well i'm warming to her - she's massively inarticulate and waffley at times which drives me nuts, but she means well - oh dear, there it is, that awful expression i so hope is never used to describe me, at least not in a way that it's the 'best' thing about me!

the old guy, who pretty much slammed my work in week 1 is leaving, and i'm not sure how i feel about that - he certainly brings an interesting dynamic to the group (being only 1 or 2 men), and then there's the young girl who seriously does my head in! every time she speaks i'm certain a part of me wants to stab her...she is annoying and stupid and immature, doesn't use english that well at times but claims to be something of an expert on everyone else's writing...aarrgghh!

anyway, i digress! so as soon as i brew a pot of tea, and settle in, Lexie and I will be reunited for the first time in AGES...

not gonna be easy to pick up where we left off though, especially as the next chapter involves her meeting up with her brother....eek!

ok, best get to it...

and feeling MUCH better about where things are at....not that i didn't know this, but seems throwing myself into my life is just the tonic!

wondering why i am

afraid to tell him i need some space....wondering why the universe keeps putting him in my path...

so last night, i go into town to meet up with a friend, park where i always park, and as i drive into the car park see FC's car there...then, i wake up early this morning, whilst waiting for the kettle to boil check my emails hoping that the ppl at strawberrynet may have responded with what they are going to do to remedy the issue of my order not arriving in full, after 5 weeks (yep, over that), and as i'm sitting at my desk an email from FC lands in the home email...

seriously universe, WHAT are you trying to tell me? i had resolved last night not to contact him over the weekend, and to try and create some space in my already overloaded and exhausted head, but seriously...

are we connected on some deeper karmic level? and if so, what does that actually mean? i said i would be friends with him and see where that goes, i said i sometimes waiver (and i do), but honestly, how am i to transition to being friends and turn off the 'crush' button, when stuff like this keeps happening?

help me out will you, because i am really really struggling :(

turning point?

or really, just seeing something i should have seen weeks ago?

not sure! so today was interesting, the whole week's been interesting really, but mostly just jam packed with mixed messages and confusion for me...

after starting the week feeling really good and finally having regained some equilibrium, he finds a way to tell me i'm lovely and the me he sees at work is a veneer - sure that's nice, but you don't really want someone you thought you were dating and are now supposed to be 'just friends' with telling you that you are lovely when you are trying to forget what it is you wanted with him (which i think was more than the 'just friends' that he claims to want...despite some of the very confusing and frankly, mixed messages he gives out)...nope, it just doesn't help! and then he asks me why can't we be friends like him and a guy at work are, and my response is something like 'gee i don't know: have you pashed him, cuddled him on the couch and told him you want to bang him every time you see him? no, i didn't think so'...god, how can someone so smart (and he is pretty smart) be so fucking dense?

so, that and then a number of other conversations, emails, thoughtful little things (read as acts of service) he's done for me throughout the week (car research and the creation of a report that i have been asking for for months) and i wonder why i have ended the week feeling utterly (and to use one of his words) unfathomably confused...so not sure how, but i end up round at his for dinner last night, only to be told that 'it's really hard to be with me and that i'm unbalanced and i analyse things too much'...really? and i'm putting up with this crap?

yeah, i know, the Sarah most of you know, in fact, that Sarah I know, she wouldn't stand for that...and yet, i have been! and sure, he may just be 'getting me back' for all the observations i made of him whilst in a so called 'coaching' space, or he may really believe some of the things he said to me, or it could be him projecting his own stuff onto me to make him feel better...could be a combination of all three, or none of the above, but i'm really trying to make sense of it all....

so in the space of 10 or so days i've been told i'm sometimes rude, sometimes aggressive, pushy, critical, defensive, hard to be with and unbalanced...funny, as i'm recapping this, it doesn't really seem possible to reading any mixed message here! so i'm left wondering how he can possibly bear to spend time with me, why he bothers to text me most nights, why he emails me at work about non work stuff, how he has found a way to spend at least some time on the weekend with me...yep, makes absolutely no sense to me at all....seems he's pretty clear on all the things he doesn't like about me...

so after he tells me last night that i'm unbalanced, i decide it's time to go - it hits me that almost every time i have left his place of late, i've felt worse than when i arrived, following him feeling ok to give me some feedback or other

so i get up to leave, he asks me if he's walking me to the car, i say 'i don't know, up to you'...he puts his shoes on, we walk to the car, and then as he says goodnight to me, i reply in a way that indicates i'm not happy (actually what i was trying to convey was a sense of having given up....as if it might be the last time we see each other, as such, there was an ambivalent, and probably, final, sound to my good night...but he can't let that go....

so we talk, not sure about what really, except that i find a way to tell him that actually i'm not that happy, every time i come round he sees fit to tell me all the things he doesn't like about me, that i just don't see how he can possibly like me as it's pretty clear that he doesn't....

as i'm in the middle of all of this, he pulls me into a hug and just holds me...and says 'i do like you'

we do this for a while, him holding me, and me trying to let myself be held by him...how can he like me? really? if all of the above is true, really, then how can he like me? i have no idea really

then i tell him that i can't do it: i can't do the mixed messages, i can't do the way when i stay where i am, he moves towards me, when i reciprocate, he runs away and on it goes...

so he says 'what do you want to do? do you not want to be friends?', i say 'of course not, thought you thought that'd be a shame?', he nods...

so i tell him we can be friends, he says 'can't we be friends and see where it goes?' i say 'sure'...

we say goodnight, i drive home and by the time i get home there is a text 'remember - mixed messages may also be accidental cos i'm not really sure myself - sure that doesn't really help - sorry'

so at least i might be getting through to him, but seriously, i'm not the one who is sending mixed messages here - from the get go i've made it pretty clear that i liked him and wanted to get to know him better...he's said he doesn't want a relationship but seems to like doing things that ppl in a relationship do, with me...confusing, and frankly, i'm a bit over it...

one of my best friends said to me a while ago that i deserved someone who wants to be with me, and you know what? FC has no idea if he wants to be with me or not...

so, until he does, i think i need to just stay right here....

disappointed and missing...

him, even though my earlier post clearly indicated my level of crankiness with him...

yep, and therein lies the dilemma surrounding FC...

hmmm, if only we didn't work together, things could be so much simpler...

groan!

the transition...

from whatever it was to friends, just ain't that easy, and sure, i'm cranky with him, but i still have that desire to reach out to him, especially now i sense he has done his 'pull back' thing...

and not like he's done that like he did after our 2nd date - no we haven't had 3 days of radio silence like that, but something in me (and perhaps it's me) senses a change...

and i don't like it, i find it difficult, i find myself doubting myself and, i miss him...

that's all

cranky...

yep, i'm cranky! i'm so cranky so i figured i better get it out, coz i don't want it eating me up and taking up valuable space in my already full and overloaded head...

so he emails me mid morning to see if i've looked at something he sent me friday - i respond with no (normally i wouldn't do this, but he does this all the time and seemingly doesn't find it rude...added to which i was off with a migraine and nausea so didn't really have the capacity for any lengthy emails)

eventually he responds with 'are you avoiding?' - not clear on whether he means him or work, i tell him i'm not in the office...we have a few emails, eventually i tell him i'm sick....and in typical FC (at least the FC i first met) no question as to how i am, if i need anything etc...note to self: NOT a good start for someone who claims they'll end up at worst, the best friend i'll ever have

then mid afternoon a text asking me if i'm free to take a call and he calls me about something that could have waited until tomorrow, but basically, as usual, he's pissy with his boss and always reaches out to me about this: and as i'm writing i realise that i have made myself WAY too available to him, always happy to listen to him whinge, try and help him see things differently (same thing happened Monday before he sent me his 'i think you're lovely' text...)

so we have a short call, he tells me what he did, i suggest that he may have approached it 1:1 with his boss instead of in front of other people and then i mention to him that i think he needs to be careful to avoid there being any suggestion that him and I have talked about it (although he is one of the people who told me about the issue and I brought it up with his boss, so it's not like we, or i have done anything wrong, but still)...fuck!

and then, on the call, he's straight into the business of things - again, an opportunity to ask me how i am, and again he doesn't...

couple that with my dreams last night where i just couldn't reach him (can't articulate better than that, but they were familiar enough dreams with me reaching out to someone who wasn't there - OMG, even as i type this i realise that i've had dreams like that my whole life, probably relating to my relationship with my mother...) and woke up feeling the need to move towards...didn't!

so i'm mad with him, i'm mad with myself, i'm mad that my childhood hasn't set me up well for intimate relationships, yep, basically i'm just mad..

mad that because some rude bloke at work decided to 'fancy me', i reciprocated and let myself walk down a path which has been, honestly, mostly a complete and utter mind fuck, a few months which have gone by in a blur, a few months in which i have allowed myself to be in a holding pattern (yes, i'm responsible for that) and frankly, a situation which, if we didn't work together, i would most likely not give him any time at all...

coupla girlfriends yesterday suggested that he has exactly what he wants right now - me with everything except the sex, but the good stuff, the intimacy, the cuddling, the being available, the spending time together and they are right...and what do i have? someone who can't even ask me how i am when i'm sick, someone who i think is probably pretty selfish and does exactly what he wants (by his own admission he does this), someone who has let me see a bit of what may be behind that veneer, someone who has a way of pulling back the very instant he's done someone that might suggest he's moving towards (aka our conversation Monday where he said i was lovely and i said don't make it harder for me, and he immediately pulls his head in)...

yep, it's all fucked! really, not sure i can articulate it better than that....and i'm mad

makes me want to be

a better person...i'm not sure i want to say this, at least not out loud, but i think maybe it's true...

and sure i  know it's a bit of cliche to say that someone makes you want to be a better person, but there is something about FC that DOES in fact make me want to become the me i know i am and the me i want others to see...

and not really for him, actually, definitely not for him, for me, but still, it is a bit weird to think that he's brought that out in me....

and not bad weird, just weird! of course, shouldn't be that weird really - after all, he asked me to coach him which means he trusted me to be someone he could work on becoming a better person with, but still?

so the fact that he will challenge me, will give me feedback, and not in a critical way, kinda makes me want to listen to it...

and then there is the dilemma....yes, the one where as we become better friends and i get to see more of him and spend more time with him, minus the fantasy running in my head, well i actually like him more...surely, this is not going to end well?

anyway, upshot is that i actually do think it's time for me to rethink some of the behaviours that for so long HAVE served me, but are really now just putting a wedge between me and how others see me....

so when he said 'i think you're lovely' last night, it's ok for me to drop my guard sometimes, to let people in, to assume i won't get hurt or be walked all over...

so this week's challenge, in addition to trying not to go all 'dreamer girl' with him, is to figure out how i can be  lovely more....and sure, i know i am lovely, but now it's about letting more people see that, and see me, for who i really am...

have to say, not sure i've given him too many opportunities to see this side of me, but he has, and for that i'm grateful....

ok, turning in now....feeling very relaxed after my amazing massage!

nite xx

ps doing much better with the transition to friends and sure maybe it's not what i think i want right now, but maybe, just maybe it is, and his statement that 'in the end, it'll be worth it', well, maybe he's right!

hmmm not

sure where to start! so today has been, without a doubt, the BEST day i have had in the last 3 months....after my evening with FC last night (one where i went in knowing we were just catching up as friends) i left feeling more in control and clear than i had in the whole time we've been...well, i don't know what you call what we've been doing!

but still the cuddling on the couch - is something that friends REALLY do? no, i think not....and eventually i guess i will tire of it (well not of the cuddling itself, as i like that) but of the fact that he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship but in fact, some of his behaviours indicate that he misses certain aspects of one, and yet i don't think it's fair for him to play them out with me...

clarity is back people: think i have finally learned the lesson (at least one of them, god knows, it seems like i am challenged by a lot of things right now) re him...yep, methinks he turned up so that i can once and for all, put to bed these 'fantasies' that i create around men that like me...no more having to reciprocate just because they like me, no more making them into something they are not so they can have all my hopes and dreams projected onto them, nope, no more...

now it's time for me to take off those rose coloured glasses and see FC for what and who he is...

so i'm going really well with this today, and he starts up with the texting mid afternoon when his boss does something that annoys him, and seriously, that's not difficult as he doesn't really like his boss and finds him incredibly irritating....so eventually i tell him he's going to have a heart attack if he doesn't take a break from it all and switch off occasionally, and i don't quite know how we get there, but eventually i get a text from him saying 'i think you're lovely despite your best efforts to come across otherwise at work'...

seems that the real FC has amazing insight (yes i actually said that), seems to have some capacity for empathy (where previously i thought there was none), seems to know me quite well and remains one of those people who give me feedback, but i don't think he means it as a criticism and nor does it make him like me less...bizarre - i am so not used to that! usually when i get criticism a) i don't take it very well and b) i assume it's a show stopper...nope, seemingly not with FC

he thinks my aggressiveness is a veneer - and you know what? he is absolutely right...i so wish i could be myself more of the time, mental note to work out what barriers i think are standing in my way...

so i wonder? i wonder what the universe's plan is in having FC and I meet...i think i know what's in it for me (see lessons above and in previous posts) and i think for him perhaps it's about learning to actually be in a relationship...

trick for me is not to hold out hope that he will do that and we'll end up together...of course, my balanced, calmer self (yes, the one who made her comeback after spending time with him last night) isn't yet sure that he is someone she could be with...

and that is what we call progress...only a few days ago i couldn't imagine that i didn't know him well enough, that i needed to know and see a lot more of him to be able to make any sort of decision about what i wanted...

well, i'm there! so, clarity please remain and universe if you could nudge him along, and also remind him not to be too nice to me (coz that just makes my job harder), that'd be good!

nite
x

so I wonder

now the rose coloured glasses have been removed, if I really like him or if I just liked the idea of liking someone and he was there?

so went round to his tonight to watch remaining episodes of Ringer, yes the ones we said we'd like to watch together

interesting, having gone around knowing it was nothing more than a catch up with a friend, I felt totally different, in a good way,  no need to glam up or feel the need to impress him, and don't get me wrong, I still looked nice.... but having seen him through different eyes I am unsure about how i feel about him and left wondering if I really like him, and sure there are plenty of things I like about him, but starting to think that maybe the fantasy just let me run away with things sooooo maybe it really is a good idea he wants to be friends and get to know each other

who would think that feeling unsure is good? but it really is for me....

nite x

ps couple of things i noticed and i can't decide if these annoyed me or simply that i noticed them:

• he didn't ask me how i was, which given how upset i was friday, surprised me
• he didn't ask what i'd done over the weekend
• he often doesn't ask questions, but maybe that's his ISTJ thing and waiting to be told, perhaps thinking in asking that he is prying?

dunno, anyway, just thought i'd mention it

sitting in it...

is what i feel like i am doing this afternoon...

i slept terribly, kept waking up in fits and starts...seems i am really struggling with the revelation of yesterday and also how it impacts me in relationships, and in this instance, with FC

what i'm also struggling with is the transition from where we were a couple of weeks ago, to where we are now...

and sure, where we are now is better than being nowhere at all, but friends with occasional mixed messages, doesn't really sit that well with me...and i find myself painfully aware of my expectations - they are, frankly, overwhelming at times, out of control (meaning, i don't feel i can control them, not yet anyway) and the happy me seems to get lost when these thoughts arise...

not good, and certainly not a good place to be...

i had a good chat to leah this morning (who's also having a tough time hence her silence for a few days) and she  reminded me that just because he has a busy weekend, full of commitments, doesn't mean he's moved away from me...and yet, that's how i'm feeling...but given yesterday's revelation, i'm guessing this feeling has NOTHING to do with him, but it's the pattern of my life, and more specifically when i get a hint that someone may not be 'available' to me, i go to any length, not only do i assume that it has something to do with me (i'm certain it doesn't...on some level, wish i actually believed it) or something i've done, but i go to ridiculous lengths to reach out/move towards the person...of course this pattern is old, it's ingrained, it's something i've done since i was born with my mother (and i don't blame her, but it's had a profound impact on my ability to form functional adult relationships) and you know what? i have NO idea what to do to change it...

good thing is, i'm really aware of it...frighteningly, palpably aware of it and struggling to come to terms with just how big an impact it has had on me...

so, yep, i'm sitting with it, in it, letting it wash over me and hopefully through that, i will learn a new way...

not gonna be easy, but i have to do it, otherwise, quite simply, i'm never going to have the sort of relationship i want, and i really really really want to be in a relationship...sure, right now i think that i'd like to do that with FC, but time will tell....

deep deep breath and willpower, as well as awareness, required this afternoon...

being present...

yep, something i have often tried to coach clients to do, seems to be very difficult for me to achieve right now

months of having FC on the mind, seems to be difficult to shift, and consequently i haven't felt very present to the people in my life, or even work at times, in the last few months....

i feel as though i have put my life on hold (stupid really, and entirely my own doing) in the hope that something would happen, spent valuable time waiting for contact with him when i could have been getting on with it

not like it's the first time i've done this...so maybe stupid is harsh, but really, wouldn't i better served doing the things i love, spending time with the people i love, rather than 'hanging out' for contact with someone i have not yet gotten to know that well? yeah, now that the fantasy has way less life (of course it's not dead, how could it be?), seems that some normality is starting to return to my life, and i would be lying if i said i wasn't still occasionally checking the phone for a message from him, but i am finding it easier to just get on with the things i want to do....

imagine my horror then, when today, during therapy, Sal asks me if I think FC is like my mother....i go quiet for a while, and then say 'no, i don't think so'...she looks at me, we stare each other down (not in a bad way) for a while, and then i get this awful feeling, my stomach drops, the blood drains from my face, and i realise, for the first time in 43 years (and as i type this the tears have started to slowly roll down my cheeks), my relationship pattern, you know, the one where i look for emotionally unavailable men to love me, perhaps has nothing to do with Chris, but with my mum....

the one person you'd think you could depend on to love you, the person who brought you into the world, the person who would hold you first and be responsible for your care....but no

instead what i got is someone who didn't really want me, who for many years told me i was a mistake and wasn't really emotionally available...sure she did things for me and my sister (obviously her way of showing her love was, and is, acts of service)....but she never told me she loved me, i only felt worthy or lovable when i did something she could be proud of, and to this day, i don't feel like she knows me, or that i can truly be myself in front of her (didn't help that i had a big fight with FC and then a complete meltdown whilst they were here the other week, fuck!)

unconditional love: i sometimes ponder how different my life may have been if i'd had this from her? despite what happened with Chris, perhaps some of my intervening relationships may not have been so dysfunctional....

i have spent the best part of 6 years (since i recovered the memory of what happened with Chris) thinking that i looked for love in all the wrong places because of what he did, and sure, it hasn't helped, but actually i think it goes back way further than what happened that night....

seems my antenna for the emotionally unavailable man is well attuned, seems i feel compelled to move towards men who really aren't able to love me the way i want to be loved...sound familiar? yep, this is the pattern i have lived with my mother my entire life...

no wonder i'm tired, and i am so very tired...a big part of me wants to go to sleep and never wake up, i'm tired of not having what i want in my life, i'm tired of having to discover more stuff that's in my way, i'm tired of wishing that my childhood could have been different...yep, tired

you know the really sad thing? even if she were to tell me now that she loved me, it's not going to make a difference and it's not going to change everything that's gone before, the patterns that i have formed, the many dysfunctional relationships i have found myself in, each one another opportunity for me to feel like nobody will ever love me for who i am, and ultimately another way for me to end up hurt and abandoned...

i know they say that stuff only comes up when we are ready to deal with it, but really, i'm tired...i would so dearly love a couple of months where i feel good about myself, where there is no 'stuff' to work through, no mirror being held up....and sure FC has been a mirror, and maybe one i needed to look into, but now, i just feel confused

is he someone i really like? or is he just another in a long line of emotionally unavailable men who i'm going to let reinforce the messages of my childhood? honestly, i don't know, i hope he's not, i hope there is something there, and of course, the romantic in me, the dreamer, the idealist, well she hopes that he turns out not to be just a mirror, but something way way more....

so, as i contemplate taking my sad and weary self to bed, i feel so very present to the epiphany of today and just how big an impact she has had on my life....and it hurts...it hurts so badly i wonder how long it's going to take to bounce back....

the power of now....

so i had a healing session with Bec tonight and a couple of things to come out of it were:

 - the need to be in the moment and not think about the future (yeah, coz that's a snap!)
 - that my 13 year old self is afraid that she will be hurt if she loves someone and that she will lose herself in someone else

hmmm, interesting! and of course these are not things i haven't thought about before, but it's interesting when someone else mentions it...

yep, so there are many many challenges ahead...the other thing Bec said which is interesting, is that this will be my most challenging year in terms of self development and that right now it probably feels chaotic and challenging, but that in those times, we know we are alive...

and i get that, i really do, but sometime soon i'd like to feel a wee bit less chaotic and wee bit less raw...

please....

and as i consider taking myself to bed i find myself really really wanting to move towards FC...hmmm gotta resist the urge to do that...

yep, have to!

nite x

how

am i going to put my expectations aside? seriously how?

i don't get how when someone you care about (and sure, he hasn't said that but he's said he wants me in his life as a friend, that implies care right?) is obviously upset, you know it's personal and yet you don't ask what's going on or if they are ok?

how is that possible? and sure, him and i are very different, but it wouldn't occur to me not to check in in such a situation...and sure, a delayed response may well be simply so he can keep work and personal separate but still....

honestly, it's been difficult not to think of the whole thing with him as a mind fuck and sure, one that i've let unfold, one that may not be entirely of his doing, but i am left wondering if it should be this hard, if someone who says 'either we'll end up married or i'll be the best friend you'll ever have' is not stringing me along...and sure, he's already apologised for this once before...

when i think back to the beginning and some of the rude and dismissive things he said, i do find myself wondering how i could like him...and then, of course, there is the good stuff, but now, again i feel as though he has this situation exactly where he wants it and me, what do i have? where do i stand?

and sure he's said he isn't playing me, but there are times when it's really difficult for me to doubt that....i get he doesn't want to hurt me by simply spinning me a line to get me into bed, and i appreciate that, but seriously, must he be in control of everything?  i understand his need for time and space (not that he's said that, but his behaviour indicates he needs it, as do I at times), but still.....

and then there's the double rules: you know the rule where he can ignore my trying to contact him for 3 or 4 days but when i take my time to think about and respond to a message from him the other night (30 minutes tops!) he plays the 'i'm going to stop reaching out to you card'....not being played my arse, and now on top of being upset, i'm a wee bit angry....

can he not for one minute think about how i might feel? about what i might need? about the fact that maybe just maybe, him controlling everything so he's ok won't work?

honestly, i knew when i said i would be friends with him it wasn't going to be easy for me, and i wasn't sure whether the 'crush' or 'fantasy' i had previously been having about him would disappear, but i guess i didn't expect to continue to get mixed messages...

and then there's the fact that, if we didn't wok together, would i be doing this whole thing differently? yep, i am certain i would....for one, i wouldn't feel as though i had to be friends with him, to push through (as he's asked me to do), so i'm left feeling that in a way, my hand has been forced, and i am NOT liking that one little bit....

so back to the start...not sure how i am going to do this?

to be fair, he did text me as soon as work was over to see if i was ok, and that made me smile...and sure, i've learnt something about him (and perhaps me too) - he is task focused not people focused so is unlikely to ask me how i am at work, especially perhaps when i look so visibly upset...yes, and the 43 year old me knew that at work and yet i let myself decline into a self doubting session, when really, it had nothing at ALL to do with me...

hmmm, lots to think about!

duality...

yep, could write about duality but really, title is to indicate my state of mind right now...

so, mainly i'm just sad...found out last night that my beloved and trusted coach (and latterly friend) of years, suffered a stroke in August and has been in hospital/rehab ever since...seems i didn't manage to find my way onto the email distribution list that her daughters had been sending out since it all happened

she emailed me Wed night to let me know and we spoke this morning...i'm somewhat heartbroken: heartbroken that such a beautiful and wonderful person has had to experience such a trauma, that i didn't know, that i haven't been there for her and that, she could have died without me getting to say goodbye...

talking to her was hard - she is obviously changed by what happened, but mostly sounds pretty good, although the road to recovery has been long and will continue to be long with many more months of rehab ahead of her...

in talking to her i realised that she is one of the FEW people on the planet whom i trust implicitly, and entirely and so the thought that i may have lost her, well it has really hit me...and hard

and when i think of how close i am to her, and how wonderful a mother she has been to her beloved girls, it saddens me that my own relationship with my mother is what it is: fractured, largely not real and not one where i feel i can be authentic...sad, really

and then there's the guilt! the guilt around how things with my parents are right now (although i am not entirely responsible for that, am I?), the guilt that i haven't picked up the phone to call Kathleen in the last 9 months, even though i have thought of her often...

and then, in the midst of my post phone call grief, tears in my eyes, sunglasses on to hide that (i was at work), i walk past FC in a daze...i don't think i even made eye contact, so then (seriously, this is dumb) i feel so guilty that i send him an email to say 'didn't ignore you, just got some bad news'...he eventually emails me to ask work or personal, i reply 'personal' and nothing...

and maybe i shouldn't have any expectations, but this is the same person who told me that the worst case scenario is that he'll be the best friend i ever have...hmmm, seemingly that's not going to pan out

and sure, maybe he's busy, maybe he doesn't want to ask me at work, but seriously, not happy jan!

so there's the duality (of course turned out to be 3 things - sad, guilty and disappointed), but hey?

more later!

be gone....

from my thoughts, please...just for a while please, seriously just for a while, just enough time for me to catch my breath please, just go....

that sinking feeling...

is a signal...not sure what of, but it is...

mental note to self: talk to Sal about this on saturday...

yep, that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, it's a signal, good thing is, even though i haven't worked out why it's popped up, i am very aware of it...

caution is required!

it's not a very nice feeling...

hope it's gone when i wake up...

how quickly the tide can turn...

yep, and i am tired, and feel pretty run down and possibly coming down with something, but some of the old 'pull' has emerged tonight, and suddenly i find myself feeling like the 13 year old girl...

hmmm, need to sit with that and work out what just happened...

had a good day, despite feeling woeful by about 3pm, coupla interactions with him, he even sent me a nice email (i'm wondering if i am getting thru to him?)....suggestion we might watch remaining eps of Ringer together tonight - i pulled the pin as i felt so woeful, although now i have watched 19, CANNOT wait to watch 20 - 22!

coupla texts (instigated by him), and i am starting to feel the expectation creep in...why? what's driving that i wonder? and i'm trying not to judge it or beat myself up, but simply to observe and sit with it - it feels crap i can tell you and i don't like it

it reminds me of the feelings of that 13 year old girl, looking for validation - it's the sort of feeling, much like an addiction, that makes you do stuff you wouldn't normally do...yep, dangerous but awareness is a good thing right?

and this sort of feeling, this need to 'do something i don't really want to do' (won't be, mental strength please) makes me wonder how the fuck it is that i agreed to be friends with him, and deluded (or perhaps, more kindly, hoped) myself into thinking that i would be able to handle it...

really? how did i think i was going to be able to do that?

as i sit here, constructing this post (which is probably ALL over the shop) i wonder still, if on some level, i am being played...despite his suggesting the contrary (that i'm being anti played...), i wonder...

i guess only time will tell, and maybe time will tell me that he isn't someone i want to be with, i may discover things about him i really don't like...of course, the possibility that i may not like a bloke who likes me is a very foreign and somewhat scary concept to me...but perhaps, this is the lesson? to REALLY spend the time getting to know him and working out if I think he is someone i want to invest time in, rather than simply falling headlong into something without applying my 43 year old thinking...

tired, exhausted actually! seems that having now done almost 3 months of the fantasy with this man, i am left depleted, i have nothing left, no petrol in the tank as it were, and it would be good to be able to escape and regroup...and here is one very good reason not to date/become involved with work colleagues - seems there is no escaping them (although he's just advised me he's having Monday off due to upcoming big weekend)...so some breathing space, but what i need is a decent logical break - god knows, i cannot wait until 5th october (when i jet off to our favourite city) for that break...

so, i find myself wondering tonight, how the hell am i going to hold it all together? and honestly, i do not know the answer....what i do know, is that i'd like to (hold it together that is), that i'd really like to use this as a practice run (Leah's expression)...

so, bed for me...please please please let me sleep, and then a nice weekend planned...and if he doesn't get his diary sorted, i'll be watching 20 - 22 solo, coz i cannot wait to see how it all turns out!

nite x

new best friend?

nah, of course not but it makes for an interesting title given events of the last 2 days....

not even sure where to start with this post....so things with FC have taken an entirely different direction, and you know what? it's good....yep, on the surface may not be what i think i want now, but ultimately, i think it's the best outcome....

so sunday night at the end of our text conversation i decide that i will head over there monday and get there around 3....he opens the door in his underwear and a t-shirt...interesting! nice bum (if i do say so myself...)

we have tea, we chat, we watch tele, then a movie, some cuddling on the couch, then he tells me he's having dinner with a mate, and invites me along...i go (not entirely sure i should have, but then, subsequent events, now at least, have probably ended up exactly where they should)...easy to say that now, hindsight is a wonderful thing...

so we have dinner, play pub trivia (god, been a while since i've done that!), i drop him home and go in, we end up back on the couch and somehow (i have NO idea how this happened) he finds an opening to give me some feedback: rude, aggressive and pushy sometimes, defensive, critical and hard work sometimes (of course, he admits he is also hard work sometimes)....so after i try and take this in, all the time lying in his arms, i need to leave...

so i ask him 'what we are going to do?' and he says 'we want different things still', so i get up to leave, not before he's made at least one attempt to get me to stay....

hmmmm and i wonder why i'm confused! so i go home (very late, which made Tuesday absolutely a horror to get through, less than 4 hours sleep and a big day at work) and realise that for the first time in a very long time, someone i like has held a mirror up to me, and it doesn't really seem as though he likes me less...

that said, i still felt terrible, so sent him a text saying just that and gave him the answer to his question (you know, his long standing question about what i liked about him)....and told him i was sorry if i'd been hurtful...

you know in all of the things that he said, i didn't mind so much - true i can be rude, sometimes, aggressive sometimes (sure, i'm working on this), pushy (yeah of course), defensive (i'd already admitted to this), hard work (well since he'd also said he could be, i wasn't too bothered about that) but critical - that really hurt...but you know what? i am...and what i realised was that i do this when i like someone but i'm too scared to let them know i like them, so i do the backhanded, sarcastic thing and of course it comes off as critical, when what i'd prefer to do, is actually let them see that i like them....and of course it reminded me of how my mum talks to my dad, which i hate BTW, so yep, that didn't make me feel good at all....

sure a mirror i probably needed to look into, but i'm not sure i was ready monday night and then tuesday, well tuesday went by in much of a blur...

a nice blur, got to sit through a number of presentations and didn't have to do anything but listen until after lunch, then had an amazingly productive afternoon at work (probably aided by the fact he wasn't there...), came home reasonably early and then got into another texting session with him (am certain he started up)

snapshot (if i can summarise, which you know i'm not very good at): he tells me he would quite like to go to NYC with me, that he'd like to be friends with me, that if he wanted he could have played me to get me into bed, that he wants me in his life...eventually i tire of the texting (theme??) and i call...what seems like hours later we finally say goodnight and for the FIRST time in the entire time he's fancied me/i've fancied him, i finally feel sane, and 43 and more 'together'...and you know why?

i told him about the fantasy (and it was good to get that off my chest, coz every time he'd asked me why i liked him, i could hardly say, not really sure but my 13 year old hurt girl self has this fantasy, so i'm just going along with her), nope that would have been hurtful....

he seemed to get it, but then of course i had to tell him why there was a 13 year old girl fantasy....and this is probably one of the biggest leaps of faith i have taken...i told him about what happened with chris, and how that makes it hard for me to trust, to be vulnerable, to be intimate, to not be defensive and why i'm critical etc....

funnily enough my biggest fear in telling him was that he would think me fucked up and neurotic and immediately find me unattractive: i was wrong! he has a theory that everyone is fucked up and neurotic by the time they are our age and then he asked me if i liked him less knowing he was fucked up and neurotic - i said of course not, he said 'so'...

and i can't say he was overly empathic during the 'reveal' but he understood, he was sympathetic and he asked me (i'm laughing as i type this) 'have you spoken to anyone about it?'....er yes! thank you....

so then, similar to a text he'd sent me earlier in the evening (and he wasn't drunk last night) he said he wanted me in his life as a friend and we would either end up married or being best friends, win win....

so maybe, this whole thing with him is a test for me - a test for me to be friends with him and work out if I really like him, rather than simply reciprocating his 'fancying' me...yes, that pattern is old and worn and frankly hasn't gotten me into a decent relationship, so perhaps it's time to mix it up and try something new...

and sure, it's difficult (having only just let go of the fantasy) to imagine that i won't fall for him, but stranger things have happened...maybe i won't, maybe if we become friends i'll be happy with that, maybe i'll meet someone else, or maybe i won't...

who knows! anyway, for now, at least, (and sure i realise it's only day 1), i like where things are at....what i do know is that he really wants to 'control' the timing..

when i recounted all of this to Leah she just laughed and said 'it's always been heading in this direction', you were just too fixated on your fantasy to see it...and she is right!

it's so good to know this fantasy has no life left in it...and the fact that he knows, means if it starts to get a life of it's own again, he may even call me on it....

so i feel happy, i feel like my fabulous 43 year old integrated self, i feel in control and the fantasy is no longer driving me to do something i may not want to do....ah, in the moment! yep, gonna try and keep doing that...

nite, and FC if you find this and are reading it: thank you x