yet again, i've let him get under my skin...

yep, you guessed it, another post about FC...

when am i going to learn? when am i going to get to a point where his shit doesn't derail my day? and why, why, do i continue to have him in my life?

all great questions, and for the most part of the last 3 years (not quite, but nearly) i've been not only asking myself these questions, but coming up with (for the most part) the same answers...

and after yet another misunderstanding (i can only assume that's what has happened since he has, in typical FC fashion, gone to ground) which has occurred via email, and at a time when he's about to get on a plane to go away for 2 weeks, i'm left wondering again why i have this man in my life and why i continue to let him get to me...

• truth is - i like him
• i've always liked him
• i always will
• for a time i thought we would be together
• for a time long after i knew we wouldn't i wanted to be with him
• occasionally i sometimes still wish it could be so, although that is increasingly less frequent and i'm far less dreamy about what life with him would actually be like (nothing close to what i'd like it to be is the honest answer to that question)

and in reality, is today's situation really any different to any of the other times he's disappointed me, cut me out or done what he does? not really...

so i need to start asking myself some questions, and working out if i want to continue to be in this relationship with him

i'm torn - obviously, otherwise this would simply not be an issue a number of years down the track

but it is...

and whilst we work together i've found it hard to cut him off...

on some level, he's one of very few people who understand me and how this environment impacts me
i trust him

but every now and again our friendship suffers another (in my mind, and that's possibly something for me to explore) epic fail which seems to materially and fundamentally impact me...and i'm sure he goes on, completely oblivious to all of this...

and yet today, again, i'm hurting....and it seems worsened by the fact that he's going away

so today, the job which would be 3 days a week in Canberra is looking more and more appealing! as i have convinced myself that things with FC just won't be normal or nor that a real split will be possible whilst we still work together...perhaps i need to bust that myth!

one of the many reasons i decided against moving to NYC was family related, and the Canberra job would certainly mean that i get to see more of Mum and Dad - and i'd like that! the job itself (at this stage, and i don't know enough yet) sounds great and right up my alley - an opportunity to decorate a place from scratch even though it would only be a rental (i like the idea i could attempt to do it economically but still make it look amazing)....and of course, escape from here and the cycle that is me and FC...

he's supposed to be picking something up from me before he flies today, but i know he will have done his retreat thing and he won't contact me...that saddens me, but i also know it's him

and all because he asked me for feedback on his cv, i gave him some honest feedback and he's got the shits with me - seriously! if i actually gave him the feedback he really needs to hear, well that would knock him for six - but i won't....and sure, i know i'm not perfect, but i am aware of my shortcomings and am working on some of them...i think he conveniently puts his head in the sand, surrounds himself with women like me (who don't believe they deserve better) and make him feel better...

for the first time in a long time i feel sad and flat and really wish my therapist were around...

oh well! as always, the writing of a blog has helped me to form my thoughts and to sift through them...

the bottom, and sad but true reality of this situation is that, until i change it, it's never going to be different....for it suits him to have me as his friend, his sounding board and someone who will support him...as my friendship is constant

he is, unfortunately as inconsistent as they come...

funny that only a couple of days ago i changed his 'phone name' back to FC - i should have left it at unreliable and inconsistent - because that's what he is...!

enough said, need to get on with my day and i'm going to try and not let it derail the remainder of my day!

ciao x

post being caught out...

do you ever feel that you don't like who you are sometimes? or more specifically that you don't like how you behaved?

this isn't new for me, seems I've been plagued with it most of my life from time to time...

oh well, time to work out the 'to do' list for self improvement in 2015 :-)

 - discretion: and I don't want to make it out like I'm not discreet! most people trust me, and I can be trusted - occasionally (see last post) I say something which lets me down
 - trust: I think I am far too trusting and this sometimes means I say things to some people that I shouldn't (previous post is a classic case of this - although to be fair, on that day, I was feeling woeful with a migraine, so wasn't at my best)...

and these are two very good reasons that I don't think I am suited to the job I'm in, even though, there are many aspects of it that I love...

sigh!

caught out...

and no, this is not a post about cricket, although I could (and will) in due course share my thoughts and feelings in relation to Phil Hughes death...for now, simply, devastating...

so today was my 2nd day back at work after a 4 week holiday - and it's HARD to go back after you've been away for so long, especially when for some time you have been considering leaving...in fact, I would go so far as to say that for as long as I've been at said employer, I've spent more time thinking about leaving than I have about staying...in itself, that's rather a frightening observation and one which perhaps I should give some more thought to in coming weeks/months...

as ever, there is a financial pull, and I'm not proud of that, but one needs money in this life and so whilst I may not be pleased that it's one reason I stay, I'm a realist under this dreamlike (at times) exterior, and walking away from a good salary with nothing to go to, is just not going to assist my levels of stress...instead of worrying about what my boss is going to do next, i'll be worrying about where my next pay cheque will come from...seems a small sacrifice in the meantime to suck it up then until I get a new job...

but I digress! today, and I'm definitely not proud to admit this (and my internal voice is saying "I wonder if you would still write this if the blog were public"...hard to know is the answer) my boss told me that a former senior exec at our company (whom I've never met) had emailed her whilst I was away to ask her for some advice - the advice being that he claims that over a number of years it's gotten back to him that I've said less than complimentary things about him

of course I was horrified, and asked her for his number so I could contact him to a) put the record straight and b) apologise for any misunderstanding...

so, I'm not going to get into the boring detail other than to say in early November I was at a function - I was introduced to a woman who told me she worked at xx, earlier in 2014 I was approached for that role, and withdrew as $$ wasn't anywhere near enough...I congratulated her, and when she mentioned the former exec of my company, who now works at her company, I think I may have said 'he'd be interesting to work for'....

she has played this back to him as 'I would hate to work with him'....and he (or my boss, who read me the email but didn't send it on - and seriously she is prone to both exaggeration and lying) claims that this isn't the first time he's heard such a comment

bizarre! so, whilst I may well have said something which could be misconstrued or taken the wrong way, I am CERTAIN I did not say what has been reported to him...why would I? I don't even know the man...

funny though, is that whilst I don't know him, I do know about his reputation, which wasn't overly positive - sure he was smart and funny and challenged things (I think this is good) but he was also known to have some very unconstructive work relationships at my workplace and be a bit of an arrogant bastard - these are not words I've ever used to describe him to strangers!

so, I feel bad, I do, I feel embarrassed, and I feel caught out...and sure, maybe I'm beating myself up, but in my heart of hearts I know that I can occasionally be indiscreet, and whilst it doesn't come from a malicious place, still, indiscretion is indiscretion and I'm neither happy about that aspect of self nor proud of it...

I suspect, and this may be a topic for my therapist if I can get over the shame, that sometimes I say things when trying to impress others that come off wrong or can be misconstrued, or perhaps, are embellished...the therapist in me is trying to work this out myself...

bottom line is I probably do this when I'm feeling insecure or needing to prove myself: useful to know that about myself and something to work on...

sometimes being caught out is good - sure it can feel a little uncomfortable but really, it's an opportunity to look in the mirror, take stock and decide how to be/behave going forward...

so universe, thank you for giving me this opportunity to become a better person and to live more in line with my values....:-)

i had a dummy spit, about punctuation!

yep, you read it correctly...

I had a dummy spit about punctuation!

how, you might ask?

well, see in April/May I submitted an application to the Australian Writers' Centre for their 6 month novel writing program having made a commitment to finish Lexie in 2014...unsure now how that commitment is going to pan out, but that's an entirely different story (and post)...

so having been accepted, which wasn't as easy as filling in a form! no, one had to submit a serious chunk of work to be assessed...eek! you all know how much I occasionally struggle with having others review my work - especially my novel

and true, it's not autobiographical, but it's personal and there's a lot of my blood sweat and tears gone into getting it to where it is; which regrettably, is not yet finished!

however, at the start of this program I went in knowing that some of the feedback would be good (it definitely has been)l, some of it crap (yep, that's held true too), and that I would learn loads of great techniques for improving my writing (in spades)...

what I didn't expect was that week in week out people would carry on about fucking punctuation...seriously? I'm interested in voice, structure, plot, pace and the creativity in my writing - surely the punctuation is a matter to resolve just before I submit it for any sort of editorial review and comment?

but no, seemingly not...every time I submit work a small few bang on about it - how it gets in the way of them reading the story blah blah

well I lost it tonight and did a rather public dummy spit - I'm here to learn how to write a better story, not learn where to put a comma or two! and frankly, my punctuation is actually pretty good in the prose, it seems to be the dialogue (which I have on good authority is excellent and realistic etc.)...so now it's become such a big thing that I think the people who bang on about this are STJ's and I'm forming a really big dislike....not to mention a view that some of them are just not able to see the quality over the form...

seriously people, get a life! so after having to listen to all the boring reasons why punctuation is important (and sure, I know it is, just not right now!)....I simply suggested that for the big review they try and focus on the story and creative writing rather than punctuation - and a couple of them continued with their 'oh, but it's hard...blah blah', so simply responded with:

well that's fine but you don't see me harping on about other peoples rubbish grammar, incorrect use of words and poor spelling

yep, I said it! bit brutal but really, as if I paid more than $2k to be constantly told about putting a comma in a line of dialogue...nope, I sure did not!

anyway, reckon it had an impact, coz as I was in the midst of trying to make my point I became only a wee bit emotional and said that as a result of the constant focus on punctuation it had prevented me writing anything new and had frankly destroyed all of my creative process, and you know what? it has, no bloody wonder I'm so reluctant to sit down and type...

and then, to add insult to injury, she's telling us how she's going to 'assign' us to review groups for the big review of our work, and she says she might pair me with the guy who just cannot write - I don't care what anyone says, his stuff is utter tripe - tense all over the shop, I think it's largely autobiographical so he simply can't be objective, incorrect use of words, spelling errors, poor sentence construction, the list goes on...

no siree am I going to be reviewing his drivel...

seriously!

anyway, rant over, and I think you'll find that this piece is punctuated reasonably well!

ttfn x

a trip down memory lane...

so this morning, I decided to throw myself into the task of sorting out the library cupboard! no small task I can tell you...

and for the most part I found it stuffed with bills and bank statements of times gone by, odd snippets of my life in the form of pictures I used to have on the walls of the study, pre renovation, cards from birthdays past that I've held onto, stamps I collected as a child...

and some photos...

and that's where my trip down memory lane started...

I uncovered a handful of notes from Ben, photos of us in happier times....photos from the early days, photos from my 40th, and notes that he'd written me throughout our relationship...bundled together and hidden away from view...

my initial reaction was happiness, and remembering the good times we'd had together, and then I just became sad....

sad because even though there were some good times, great times on occasion, it was a difficult relationship to be in, and even though pictures are said to tell a thousand words, perhaps they don't always tell the real story...

on the face of it, I do look happy in the photos, but they don't tell the story of the turmoil...of the inner voice that was telling me it would never work

and maybe it just wasn't the right time for me, or maybe I was just too afraid of being single again, or maybe it was just that I hadn't yet learned to put my needs ahead of someone elses....

either way it's made for a rather contemplative, at times melancholic and nostalgic day

Ben liked taking photos, and in our time together there are a few good ones....the ones I like best, even back then, where the ones where he looked happy...

it's hard being with something who suffers from depression, and unfortunately for us, a major depressive episode early on in our relationship set the tone for the rhythm between us...

I don't think it ever really recovered from that, and I don't think I did...

in stumbling across the photos and notes from Ben, I remembered some of the times we had together, and some of the nicknames we had for each other...

his names for me: PC (Princess Cupcake), miss Penelope, squiggle bear

some of my name for him: HP (handsome pants), Monty and snoozy bear

i try not to look back, but it's hard not to remember the good times and the people who meant something to you...

and he did mean something to me - he meant a lot to me

i guess what you realise eventually is that the pain goes away, but the good memories find their way to the top, so going down memory lane is nowhere near as painful....eventually

i loved you Ben, and i know you loved me....wishing you only happiness now x

have you ever felt like an imposter?

well, after 3 days at home, mostly mental health days, although I've had an upset stomach and now have sinus infection brewing, that's how I feel...

and sure, there have been some other things happening which have prompted me to not like myself a lot...

so, last week I finally got to meet a senior recruiter from Melbourne - and when she called me on the phone, she caught me off guard, admittedly I really haven't been well, and then when I asked her for feedback about anything I could be doing differently to aid my job search, she said 'well I was a bit taken aback on the phone'...I knew before she said it what she meant...and she'll have probably long forgotten it (or not), but it's a week later and I still haven't....

I remember all the way back to my early therapy days when I really didn't like myself a lot, at least now, I generally like myself more, but recently that's not actually true...

and sure there's been a lot going on of late, not the least of which is how much I dislike my work situation - actually, the work itself is ok, a little boring now, but ok, my team are great, some of the people I work with are ok but it's my boss, my lying deceptive delusional unempathic boss - my boss who'd step on anyone to protect her own reputation, my boss who'd change history if it suited her...yep, and this month marks 4 years of working with her, and I know that it is having a material, and not positive, impact on me, and my behaviour..

then there's the fact that the 2 people I used to speak to most, are no longer what I consider to be friends...Nick, he was never a friend, I just kidded myself he could be as we'd gotten close again, and then Leah, who had a nervous breakdown and was too caught up in her own world to be a friend to me (no blame, just reality)....

so I've largely done this year solo and it's hard....

then there's my awful behaviour on sunday night in the car with my Mum - a learner (very slow) in front of us for too long was driving me mad (I'm the worst version of myself in the car - something to talk to Sal about) and I decided to attempt an overtake! stupid stupid stupid, then mum lays into me, then I blow up at her...not my proudest moment, at least I've apologised to her, but I feel embarrassed to have behaved so badly - and why?

why? yes that is the real question...

WHAT is going on with me right now....well firstly, I really do dislike work and the way my boss treats me is starting to rub off on me and is materially impacting my style (unlike)....then there's how lonely I occasionally feel and I feel as though Leah (unintentionally) and Nick (probably unknowingly) have abandoned me, then there's the fact that I truly need out and there are just no senior HR jobs to be had right now...

consequently I feel stuck, unvalued, and whilst my boss treats others the way she treats me, there's no denying the impact it's having on me - no surprise I've been sick for most of the last year on and off...

and then, maybe earlier today, I started to think that I have NEVER really feel like I fitted in - for one reason or another, and that's kind of true....I wonder if people will find me out - I think this is because I occasionally behave in a way that lets me down and then I beat myself up, and then I start thinking I don't deserve what I have - which is ironic, as I've worked bloody hard, and yet, I still feel like i'll be found out...

and when I tell people what I do - I have always wondered when someone will say 'really? you?'...

so it's challenging being me right now - lots to work through....

mental note to self: focus on the positives! 9 weeks and 2 days is my fabulous holiday! after that, it's only 3 weeks until Xmas (which I'm having at mine), New Year and cricket with Dad and possibly Dan, then my birthday (which is on a Saturday, yay!), then Aust Day and I may get to Melbs for some tennis....then it's only 7 weeks until bonus payday....after that, it should get a lot easier, and in that time I am hopeful that a job might emerge....

I've spent a lot of today contemplating a move to NYC - really think there could be something in that....

so, plenty to think about, plenty to talk about with Sal on Saturday...bring that on! and hopefully this imposter syndrome will abate...

nite x

seems i have less to (20 July 2013)

blog about these days, but truth be told, I still miss the 'readers' I had when the blog wasn't private - I miss the feedback, the wondering how many people had viewed etc...on the other hand, knowing it's private allows for (or does it) an entirely different level of disclosure...certainly, there's absolutely no fear of who might say what or who might stumble across it, but still...

so, it's been a month! a whole month since I blogged, and mostly that's probably a combination of being incredibly busy (with work and life and of course, the continuing changes in my home)...but also, I've frankly had less inclination to need to vent...

and that is good! funny as this time last month I was still treading softly softly with the new situation re FC - meaning, at that time I was virtually having NO communication with him at all...

seems, as we invariably do, that we've drifted back into communicating outside of work but weekends, thankfully, seem sacred...that might be because when he did text me one Sunday evening abut a work matter I was very quick to suggest that he didn't interrupt my weekend!

it's hard to imagine how I was this time last year - hurting and confused and frankly, very lost, and probably actually depressed....I see it so much more clearly now - a bit of time and distance has really healed that wound, although today, surprisingly, I found myself consumed with thoughts of him for much more than has been the norm of late...

funny too that I didn't judge it or beat myself up, I simply allowed myself to notice it...funny how when I do that, rather than judge or admonish myself, it leaves my thinking almost as quickly as it arrives! hmmm

feeling a wee bit

lonely this afternoon - or is it something else? I'm wondering actually if a lot of my mood of late is work related? I mean, it's not like I want to be there anymore, not like I have a boss who's supportive....nope she lies to cover herself, is basically a bully in disguise, undermines her direct reports constantly (this doesn't just happen to me) and is something of a nightmare to work for...

so next month marks my 4 year anniversary of working for her, 9 months as a consultant, then 3 years plus as an employee, and I've had enough...

so I was feeling good after a couple of very positive meetings during the week, then I find out that there is some sensitivity and I'm possibly off limits to the search firm I've been building a relationship with for months - because, and wait for this, we are using them for our CFO search - seriously? I've been building a relationship with them for way longer than we as a company have been working with them - and the consultant didn't bother to tell me this might be an issue - guess she's just like the others and only interested in the $275k fee!

are none of them decent human beings?

so, I'm a bit flat - i'll be ok, of course i'll be ok, but I'm feeling a bit trapped, a bit stuck and a bit lost - as evidenced by Saturday morning's dreams...lost wallet, then found it but when I went into bank to cancel credit cards, couldn't get anyones attention (feeling unheard perhaps?), and then I find myself in a shopping centre, not able to find the exit to the car-park (this is at least the 3rd time I've had this dream)...

I love how dreams are such a reflection of what's going on for us....the mind really is an amazing thing...

ok, well now need to focus on doing some non blog writing!

nite x

craptastic....

yep, that's how I would describe the last coupla days

so let's see - I'm still sick and tonight seem to have developed either a bad case of hay-fever (hardly likely, is middle of winter) or a bad head cold, had very bad headache (borderline migraine) yesterday, I really don't like my boss anymore and am finding it less than motivating, which means getting out of bed and dragging myself there ain't much fun, she lies, I've mentioned that before right? yep, today she did it in a Board meeting to cover her arse and dump me in it - please! she's seriously contemplating giving the 2nd most important job in the company to someone who have wait for it 9 years of job experience - fucking seriously! and then there's the fact that on Sunday night, after over 2 years of uncertainty, I cut off personal ties with FC...

so you could say that in all, it's been a craptastic week which is perhaps why I feel so flat...:-(

thank goodness I had writing class tonight which has provided something of a spark, so that a glimmer of my former self (coupled with my sense of humour) has managed to emerge...

I don't know how I'm going to get through the time between now and when I resign - and of course that's dependent on a number of things...not the least of which is finding a new job, or getting to Sept 2015 and having enough $ stashed away that I would be willing to take a risk and leave without a job to go to (not my preferred option)...

one other positive is the E3 visa - so if I get a job offer in NYC, it's almost a certainty that I'd get a visa - spoke to an immigration lawyer today :-)

so for now, I've got to keep my head down, get to my holiday, then it's only 3 months and 5 days to bonus payday, and by then, perhaps a new opportunity will have emerged...

I don't like feeling trapped, which is how I'm starting to feel, so maybe need to do a bit of reframing...

talking to Leah a bit more after a nice dinner Sat night - not 100% sure how I feel about that and conscious of not just slipping back into it because I've moved away from Nick...

so, on that note, tea and book for me

ciao peeps x

i feel strangely ok...

so today marks the first time I have ever managed to put my needs above FC's...

it's been over 2 years since we started dating, 2 years and 2 months since he broke my heart, then another year or so until I really was ok to just be his friend, in fact longer, as it was just about this time last year that we were talking heaps, I was what I thought was friends, but then he tells me he's having a 40th and doesn't invite me...

so we didn't talk for a while, then he found his way back in again, then we don't talk, then we do - it's a pattern, it's no longer interesting, in fact it's boring and at times, hurtful...

so today, after the blip of the last few weeks, where we were close, talking every day, even on weekends, he does his radio silence bullshit...for the last time

so tonight, when I see his name pop up on my phone, initially I just gauge my reaction...the reaction wasn't good - I felt sick and stressed (surely that's sign enough)

so I responded to his message which was about a tv show dvd I loaned him, and told him we needed to talk...I told him it was about how I was feeling and the fact that given how upset I was Wed night when I called him, I was surprised he hadn't checked in on me...

his response 'I seem to constantly let you down' or something like that

yes, that's true!

in the time we have had a relationship, he has let me down so many times I can't even begin to remember...

I've let me down too, by continuing to expect that I could rely on him, that it would be ok to have expectations of him (reasonable ones, you know the sorts of expectations you might have of any friend), but no

with Nick it's always been different...I suspect he doesn't like feeling obliged, doesn't want anyone to have expectations of him, and I'm just someone who does

as I said to him, when you speak to someone every day for a few months, you begin to expect that, or at least, as a minimum, rely on the fact that that person will be there when you need them...

or am I truly unreasonable? I don't think I am

so I told him - I told him I could no longer do it, that his behaviour was hurtful to me and I could no longer put myself in a situation where I might get disappointed or hurt again...I also made it clear that I did not want anything other than friendship from him as the awful thing about me calling Wed night was that I told him I wanted to talk but was afraid I'd cry (horror day at work) and I think he may have thought that I was still hung up on him

on the contrary - he is not someone who is really the sort of person I want for a friend, since he can't even do that, so the thought of an intimate relationship with him leaves me cold...and sure, I did want that a while back - it's true, I did...

but I've done a lot of work since then, and I no longer do...

I think there's a small part of me that believes he's kept me on side because it suits him - from a work perspective - may have suited him more as we seek to find him a new boss, but I'm no longer playing that little game with him

I'm no longer going to put myself in a situation with him where he can be inconsistent, unreliable, cold, rude, hurtful or just plain childish...

I am done with you FC...

for now at least, I feel strangely free....:-)

Robin Williams died today :-(

words can't begin to express how saddened I was to read of Mr Williams' death, likely cause suicide...when are we going to get better at this? really? talking about it, looking out for each other and treating it like a real disease/issue and not some social stigma that people are still embarrassed to talk about...?

when are we?

so Mr Williams, I'm sorry we didn't get to that point by now....I'm sorry that you felt there was no other way...

the world has lost an amazing artist
3 young adults have lost their Dad
1 woman has lost her husband
countless people have lost a friend
the world has lost Mr Robin Williams :-(

who will ever forget him or his movies? he brought so much to so many...

so, I just want to say thank you - Good Will Hunting is truly one of the best movies ever made and that scene where he hugs Matt Damon who's finally opened up and says 'it's not your fault' makes me cry every time I think of it....when I watched this movie for the first time in 1997 I didn't know or understand why it resonated with me so much...

only years, and many hours of therapy later, did I realise why it touched me so...

beautiful movie, powerful stuff, and each time I watch it, makes me glad I became a therapist! and maybe that's a part of my future....my most meaningful work was as a therapist...

vale Robin Williams, you will be missed :-(

16 days shy of 3 months....

that's when I last posted, and honestly, so much has happened in that time....and still, I've resisted posting! and truth is at times I couldn't be bothered, other times I was too tired, other times too emotional and mostly I think I've been avoiding it...

see, the process of posting for me is usually (not always) a way for me to deal with what's going on I my world, and it helps me to make sense of it all, in my own way...

guess truth is, it's been a very challenging few months, on multiple levels, and I've been a bit unsure of how I would react emotionally to posting about it...

so here goes! in no particular order what's been happening is this:

 - friendship with someone who for the last 3-4 years I considered one of my best friends has deteriorated...since late last year it's changed, she's pulled away, had a breakdown (actually, not me being dramatic), resisted my offers to catch up so eventually I gave up, then when she's feeling better, she wants to catch up - I was tentative, afraid of being hurt and had gotten used to not having her in my life, so instead of just saying 'sure' like I've done before, I stopped to think about whether I wanted her in my life...realised I probably didn't, despite how occasionally lonely it's been - but having dealt with loneliness in my relationship with Ben, as well as mental illness, I knew that wasn't a good enough reason to just do what she was asking - there needed to be something in it for me, and honestly, before the day her husband conceived of bullying me into talking to her (another story!), I was feeling happy and positive and for the first time in ages good! unsure if Nick was any part of that (yet another story - see, too much happens in 3 months!)....

 - during that time Nick seemed to edge his way back in and we'd gotten to what I thought was a nice happy place - me not wanting anything other than friendship (has taken me best part of 2 years to get there) and then him getting too close (I think - he hasn't said as much, as if he would) and pulling away resulting in me being hurt actually....so now I'm trying to make no contact as frankly, I'm sick of the pattern with him, I told him I wanted nothing from him except constancy - he can't even do that, so really, no point in even trying to pretend we are friends....he probably has no idea how dysfunctional he can be, but I no longer want a part of it...

 - the Sunday that said friends husband decided to intimidate and bully me and try to lay a guilt trip on me - claiming the 'fallout' for him and their 6 year old child was my fault (really - he's been nothing short of a fuckwit to her for most of our friendship, but now I'm not there to play the role he should have been playing all along, and because she pushed me away, I'm to blame...)...seriously, get a life! well I stood up for myself like I never have before and I found myself angrier than I have ever felt...forced me into a conversation with her (needed it to stop as I was seriously afraid - also he's a cop - did I mention that? so even more threatening...) that I wasn't ready to have, and for me, I think that was the death-knell....if our friendship had any hope, after that, I think it killed it...and don't get me wrong, decisions like this aren't quick and aren't without pain for me, but honestly my life was simpler and happier for those few months without her in it...that says a lot really :-(

 - then there's work - fuck, work! I am beyond over that place...have done my 3 years now, and ever since 18 July (my 3 year anniversary) I can honestly say that I have had itchy feet! in my head when I started I committed to 3 years, now that has come and gone, I have spent so much time wondering what if...of course, the health scare of May, has contributed to that, in a good way I think, although I feel very unsettled right now...

 - my other 2 best friends are also doing it tough, one suffering from situational depression (altho sounded a bit better today thankfully) and the other going thru a marriage breakdown...so add to that the loss of above friendship, Nick's continuing inconsistency which I do find hurtful (there, I've said it), the resignation and departure of a former team member who I miss (although a small part of me is still annoyed that she crossed the line when providing feedback to me - i'll eventually get over it!), I've been mainly doing things on my own for months...

and that's not sooo bad! I'm pretty resilient, I've learned to look after myself better, I've learned to be on my own side, to consider my needs and to listen to what's important to me....but still, I'm a wee bit lonely.  guess if I had a partner all of this stuff wouldn't have been so challenging? maybe, maybe not....

so, that's been the last 3 months, well the 20,000 foot version....I've had some good days, I've had some crap days, I've not been well, and since the intimidation from the husband, I've had hives/associated stress rash which has not gone away yet! thanks....

so, what have I learned:
 - I'm resilient
 - i'd rather have no contact with Nick than the flip flopping bullshit he does
 - I want a new job and I'm actively looking for my next opportunity
 - if that doesn't eventuate by June 2015, I might just resign and go to NYC...
 - less than 3 months to my holiday (can't wait)...
 - it's good to have a project to focus the mind and I'm enjoying the novel writing program I'm doing - have had some great feedback, now just need to make some structural changes and incorporate the feedback, oh and write a climax! no pressure...

anyway, I'm tired, so at least some of the last 3 months is documented....

nite x

utterly over it today....

so, the interesting thing about having a potentially life threatening health issue is that what ultimately follows is an evaluation of one's life...

and it seems that no area is protected...

so the last few weeks since I found out, have been a roller coaster...started almost immediately after I'd made all the phone calls to the large number of my caring friends/family/work colleagues to let them know the good news...

you'd think that I'd be jumping for joy right?

and of course I was, and am, very happy that the 3.5cm lump in my thyroid turned out to be nothing serious, and certainly nothing life threatening or even serious enough to warrant surgery...big sigh of relief, thank you universe :-)

but almost immediately, I noticed that I felt 'meh'...flat, not sad, not depressed, but just meh...and the most obvious thing I noticed was the lack of focus...

see, when this sort of thing happens, well this is my experience, one seems to find a rather unfortunate focus - from the time I was told there was 'mass' until the time when the lovely Dr Richard Gallagher called me to tell me it was all ok, I became incredibly focused...

initially on trying to stay calm, as really, until you know, you don't really know anything more than you did before you found out you had a lump...reality is, the lump had probably been there for sometime...

so staying calm, working through what you will do if you get the news that it's cancer, what if that means you have to have surgery, what if that means radiotherapy and/or chemotherapy (thankfully, the second scan showed that my lymph nodes were clear, so from a few days in, I was pretty comfortable that chemotherapy would not be required in any event), if it was bad news what would you spend your last days doing, who would you spend them with, would you bother to continue in the current job?

so many questions, so many thoughts - it seemed there was no escape from doing a mental check of everything in my life and looking at it from an entirely different perspective...

so no surprise then when that's all over, that the evaluation continues, and as I said to my Dad, I wonder if I don't think of it as a chance to really evaluate my life, will it have been a wasted opportunity?

existential I realise, but what I think is, having gotten through the physical scare unscathed, what has resulted is a genuine existential crisis...and rather than resist it and just say, I'm fine, it's all good, I have really tried to stay in the moment and think long and hard about each of those aspects of my life...

exhausting frankly, but not in a bad way! more in a 'I don't want to waste this opportunity, make it count' sort of a way...

and I don't feel any undue pressure to make any massive changes, but it's an opportunity to reflect on my life that I may not get again, and I want to make the most of that...

it has certainly allowed me to be more focused about my plans to leave my current place of work (and added to my own feelings about that, the behaviour of a small few people who just really piss me off, are now much more visible...)

there are many upsides of this sort of experience though; namely, the opportunity to reflect and identify what is good and what isn't working...sure, the downside is, aside from all of this, it's bloody scary...although I actually coped remarkably well...keeping busy was good, letting the fear come up, but then, not dismissing it so much as reminding myself until I actually knew, there was no point wasting valuable time worrying or crippled with fear....

so, where have I landed? well, I really want to be doing something different...unsure if I want to manage a team going forward (I currently have one person about to leave - the one who gave me feedback a few months ago but crossed a line and another who's being precious and really, for someone of her age and inexperience should just be grateful for what she has and stop pissing and moaning - I'm over that!), I'd prefer to be in town where I can regularly catch up with more of my network (which has grown over the nearly 3 years with current employer - tick!) and whilst I am not naive enough to think that a new workplace will be perfect, it certainly won't have some of the characters I have to deal with now, and perhaps less of the legacy issues which nearly 3 years in, still plague me and my team on a daily basis...it's exhausting! and today, which was just a crappy day, had me wondering by days end if I'm really cut out for this corporate stuff and wondering if eventually I'll be caught out?

yep, definitely time to go...I have done an incredible job there, against all the odds, not the least of which is a boss who isn't really convinced HR is valuable...but still, I've battled on, with the help of my little team and a couple of other advocates...and sure, we have made excellent progress, and sure, my work there isn't yet complete, but I've lost my mojo...perhaps I've also noticed an increasing frustration with certain aspects of the role, the company, the people in my team, the people more generally, and I'm a bit over dealing with all of that...?

so, sure I'll still do my best to meet my objectives and make a positive and valued contribution (I always do - and my 90% is most people's 150% so I'm not overly concerned about that), but truth is, I'm not happy there...I'm not unhappy either, but I would dearly love to be doing something and going somewhere every day where I look forward to it...

so, eventually my existential crisis will pass and I will land on exactly what I want to be doing and when and if I'm incredibly lucky, that opportunity will present itself...and the biggest issue I am dealing with now is this: 'what is stopping me going out and getting it right now?'...

yep, reasonable amount of fear around the what next...something to consider...

but on that note, I'm going to close off and get myself a cup of tea before crawling into bed to read the existential masterpiece that is The Unbearable Lightness of Being...thanks Milan, just what I need :-)

two of two: i have a lump...

yep, it's true...so my neck's been playing up for a coupla weeks, and before that my throat was a bit weird, so after 4 weeks of just about constant neck pain I asked Dr to send me for a CT scan...

did that Thursday and Friday, the report came back announcing a 3cm mass behind my trachea and near my thyroid...WTF?

so, I'm trying not to completely freak out, and in fact, I've done a pretty good job of that as really, right now, I don't know enough to warrant a freak out, but I've observed the various fears/scenarios float in and out of my head since I found out...

guess positive is if I hadn't had a back neck, who knows how long it would have gone unnoticed for? and given some of the health issues of the last few years (hormonal, weight, sleep, temperature etc), might actually provide some answers...

so, sure I'm anxious and would like to know what it is, and sure I don't want it to be anything that's life threatening, but in the meantime, I'm trying to just take it day by day...

Monday I'm having a contrast CT scan and an ultrasound - that should provide more info, and if it doesn't then I'm guessing a biopsy will be the next step...

one good thing about knowing the steps is they don't feel so scary...

fingers crossed! universe if you are reading this, I appreciate your support as always x

one of two....

so let me start with the good stuff! last week, after a few days off, then a few more days in Canberra with the parentals, I came home and thought 'it's time'....

time for what  you may ask? and yes, true, I was spurred on by the countless ads on the telly, and of course a message from my spirit guides delivered by the lovely Bec...'you could help by getting out there a bit'...

so, I re-activated my eHarmony profile...it's been a while and honestly, when I put my toe in the water last year I just wasn't ready

but I feel good, and even though the last few months have had their fair share of challenges, I feel that I have met them head on and am stronger, and happier, and more complete somehow :-)

so, less than a day after said re-activation, I got a 'smile' from one 'Dave'...I checked out his profile and read it a few times, as I recall in the past, there have been times where I may have overlooked potentially important details (Ben, as an example who turned out to be a smoker), others who have been too short etc....and sere that might all sound superficial, but I know what I want, so I figure there's no point in the first instance, compromising...

so, once we'd gotten through the 'guided communication hoops' where I found that on the whole we had a staggering number of similarities (this is good), we started emailing directly....this went on for all of last weekend where we had upwards of 40 emails....talking about all manner of things and just generally trying to get to know each other in the comfort of being behind a screen...

by the end of Sunday, he'd told me he really liked me, wanted to meet me and that I had lovely eyes...so we progressed to phone/text and have spoken a number of times during the week...

and, all going well, we'll be going out on Tuesday night...and I am very much looking forward to meeting him in person

this is (seemingly) a nice man; a man who knows himself and what is important to him, a man who is articulate, and I suspect a gentle soul...he is funny (in a whacky quirky sort of a way), he's articulate, seems to be quite comfortable talking about feelings and expressing himself (case in point his description of his perfect rainy Sunday)....

so, bring on Tuesday! funny too that this morning, after waking up early and rolling over to go back to sleep I had some rather odd dreams, with him in them...having thought them through and discussed them with Sal (just happened to see her today), my conclusion is as follows, and in no particular order as I can't recall the order:

a) I'm at a bar with friends and I am not expecting to see him but he turns up and gives me one of those protective beautiful hugs.....reassures me that he is there for me and on my side (interpretation: confirms that I am pretty clear on my preferences for height etc and it's what I want, even though I've resisted verbalising it as I felt it was superficial, but really, given my background, it's not surprising).  what struck me about this dream was how I felt when he held me...safe, protected, like he was on my side...I like it!

b) still in the bar but this time we're sitting at a high table; in one scene he's wearing one shirt and has no facial hair and in the next moment, he's wearing a different shirt, has facial hair and is smoking...interesting! wondering if this is me wondering if I've missed something, or wondering if he's lied to me to only show me the side he thinks I might want to see...may be related to the issue I have with Nick right now re him deceiving me (even though he says he hasn't - sad thing is, only person Nick is really deceiving is himself, so guess I should be happy and grateful he's no longer someone I'm remotely interested in...and I am happy!);

c) this one's weird! we're at mine, all of my furniture (well the smallish movable pieces) are stacked up outside the front door of the building and he's helping me in with them, although I remember asking him why he'd put stuff outside? next scene we're inside watching something on telly, mum is there, grandma is there and some other bloke I don't recognise...I go for a shower and when I come back he's gone...I don't really have any clue what this is about, other than possibly my fear that he will just up and leave, and yet again, I'll be abandoned...possibly it relates more to other relationships rather than him, but weird and maybe my subconscious reminding me that I'd like things to be different this time :-) funny though, in this scene it didn't look like Dave - but in the others (except e) it did...?

d) we are sitting somewhere, not my place, me on a couch, him on the floor and we're talking and then he looks at me and says 'I don't think we're a good match'...the oddest thing is how I feel in the dream (and when I wake up as I'm pretty sure this was the last snippet)...sad, disappointed and wondering what is wrong with me...again, very familiar territory, so perhaps I've experienced it here (in the dream) so it'll be different in reality? otherwise, it's a simple reflection of my fear of not being good enough...

e) in this scene, again it doesn't look like the person I know from the photos (of course, we haven't met in person yet, so hard to say)...we are walking along the street, he has his hands firmly in his pockets - I'm coaxing him to try and hold my hand - when he reluctantly takes his hand from his pocket, I refuse to hold it...weird! that one may stem all the way back to Ben as I recall a day early in our relationship (which I now know was the start of a major depressive episode) where he wouldn't hold my hand...I was hurt

so, all rather interesting...but what I can tell you is this! so far, I like this man and am very much looking forward to meeting him...

how i felt this

morning, confirms the need for a new job....

sigh!

life is good...

it really is...seems the last few months (which have thrown up plenty of challenges) have allowed me to develop some resilience of my own, some inner strength and to really identify what makes me happy...

and I am! for the first time in a long time I feel happy, freed of a lot of the crap from my past, worries that really weren't worth my time...yep, I feel good

I think gratitude is a big part of that...I've started trying to really feel grateful for what I have

funny, I was at my bff's the other night, her and her hubby are not having a good time and he opened up to me for the first time in well over a year...he told me he didn't think he'd be nearly 50 and in the situation he is in now, and I said to him, with compassion and empathy, 'I get that xx, and I didn't think I'd be 45, single and have no kids, but we have to make the best of what we have'....and as I said it I felt wise and comfortable...

it's ok to grieve what we don't have, as long as it doesn't define us...it's ok to acknowledge the things in life we may previously have wanted, even though they have eluded us, but mostly, it's essential to try and see the good in where you are right now...otherwise all you're doing is running away from it or trying to move towards something else...

funny really, as all of my rather dysfunctional relationships have involved me moving towards the other person and away from Sarah...

so, really, when you accept life (warts and all) for what it is, and don't beat yourself, or others up, for what you don't have, or what they didn't do for you or give to you, all you are doing is moving away from yourself...

so, tonight as I type this I feel good, I feel wise, I feel comfortable in my skin, I feel happy and content with life...

oh, and I have a date to look forward to sometime soon....:-)

with a man! a man who isn't obsessed with work, who's quite open and articulate, and who's creative...looking forward to meeting him in the flesh!

ps at some point i'll write about what's been happening in one of my friendships, as in many ways, the change in it has been the catalyst for me to do some work, but right now, I don't want to be dragged down into that stuff...

feeling very reflective

as the 5 year anniversary of my Granda's death and my departure (the first time) from corporate life looms...

9th April 2009 was the day in question and whilst I have mixed emotions right now, back then it was all fear and sadness...

and sure the benefit of 5 years certainly dulls the pain, but not the memories...

and then there's how different my life is now...

so this time 5 years ago here's where I was at (and probably there is a blog which describes it all, but if not, i'll do my best to accurately recall):

 - sadness was really the key emotion; sad to realise I was in a bad relationship, a relationship that really sucked all the life out of me and didn't serve me, sad that my Dad had to spend the day of his birthday arriving in his homeland (alone) so that he could visit his father for the very last time, sad that I knew my Granda would die, sad that I had no idea at all what I would do in my life and very little belief in myself...unsure, unclear and basically lost

 - I spent much of the next 3 months navel gazing, until out of the blue AW called me and asked me to coach him

 - that set in a motion a series of events which led to Sarah Rodgers Coaching, and even as I type that, I struggle to believe that for 2 years and 3 months, I survived without having a 'real job', for the first time in my life

words really can't describe how sad I was when my Dad called me @6pm on 9th April to tell me Granda had died....what saddened me more was to hear my Dad cry...he is the happiest person I know - he's balanced and rational and considered, he makes the best of every situation and like my Granda, he's a fabulous role model and inspiration to me

the next few months really were a blur, I spent a lot of time sleeping, lying around, and walking in the midday sun - I guess when I look back, I was trying to find myself...

and I did! and sure, maybe it took longer than the few months off that I gave myself, but I have...and sure, I'm not exactly where I wanted to be at 45, but life is pretty good (bar the odd curve ball, but that is all part of life right?)

so let's recap the last 5 years:
 - set up my own business
 - got my coaching qualifications
 - found a way to put myself ahead of Ben and extract myself from my relationship with him: still goes down as one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do
 - got my trainer qualifications
 - successfully completed NaNoWriMo and I have 80,000 words of a novel to show for that
 - got offered a fabulous HR role at a cool place; couldn't say no, and thrilled I didn't
 - did more travel
 - went to an Ashes Test in Durham with my Dad
 - renovated my lovely home
 - had another bad relationship
 - almost got over it, I'm close!
 - achieved a couple of cool things at work that I never thought I would
 - cut my hair much shorter
 - have done loads of personal development in that time and I'm a much happier person
 - coped with menopause with minimum fuss, although the sleep deprivation and depression were the worst of it
 - built a shoe cupboard (I know right!)
 - co-wrote and facilitated a fabulously practical Management Training Program, amongst other cool L&D things
 - built up my share portfolio
 - significantly reduced my mortgage (hopefully this time next year it will be gone)
 - bought a new car
 - helped my folks pack up the family home in Wanniassa and move into their new pad in Deakin
 - realised that for all our foibles, I love and cherish my family
 - watched my Mum fight and win with breast cancer
 - there's probably heaps more things I could probably put down, but right now they aren't coming to mind; and
 - spent more time with the people I care about, including my fabulous friends

I characterise the last 5 years as probably one of the best periods of my life despite the hardship, the heartbreak, and at times the uncertainty...

hasn't been the best day to be honest, but I feel grateful for what I have and hopeful for what will come....

nite
x

emotions...

sometimes it's easier not to have 'em...

but then it wouldn't be very human not to would it?

nope!

so today has been a day to forget...on many fronts!

I realised today, after sitting through yet another one of those futile 4 hour meetings, that in fact, I'm not sure how much longer I want to work where I work...seems that our values of integrity don't really seem to count, well, at least not when profit counts :-(

I'm starting to get that sense of disillusionment, and sure, it's not unfamiliar to me, it's one of the many reasons I found a way to escape corporate life the last time I did...but it seems worse somehow right now...

and why is that? well, because I'm a part of the ELT, the Snr Mnt team as it were, a direct report to the CEO, and despite my protestations, which admittedly, have become not worth my energy of late, it seems that not a great deal has changed...so imagine my horror then, when I am responsible for the cultural change...and sure, I could vote with my feet (eventually I will, on my terms, and when it suits me) but for the time being, I just need to sit with the discontent....

and then, there's my team, who mostly I love, and for the most part do an ok job - I'm not going to say do a great job, because, in reality they don't...I hold a lot of the slack and am responsible for really holding it all together - and sure, maybe that's my job to do that, but it's wearing a bit thin...sometimes it would be good for them to remember that I'm the boss and their role is to support me - not saying it's not two way, as it definitely is, but when I'm super flexible and accommodating and they aren't, well it shits me...just saying

then there's the attitude of one - the one, ironically, I usually get on best with...but over the years she has tested me, whinged incessantly but done nothing to change her own situation, occasionally speaks to me (in public) in the most derogatory manner (which largely I overlook coz I'm like that) and today, when they do something without consulting me which impacts me and I openly express my discontent, I get a snotty email telling me she doesn't like being told off in public...well, fuck me!

and then, there's the fact I'm still sick - voice is starting to go (with any luck it'll go altogether and I can have a few days off...) and of course, the news of last week, which is still very fresh in my mind, and my little heart, try as it might to deal with this solo...well, I'm a bit sad...

although as I type this, I'm not sure 'exactly' what I'm sad about, and it reminds me of the first very big and horrible fight Nick and I had where he asked me what I liked about him...and truth be told, even though back then I'd convinced myself I wanted to be with him, I really couldn't articulate what it was about him I liked...

I think that basically, I just wanted anyone to like me, to prove that I was worthy...funny thing is, as I type this I feel better and I feel a smile emerging - when I realise that perhaps the only person I needed to like me, to love me, is me....

it's been a long journey with him and truthfully, I wish I'd had the courage to cut him off outside of work long long ago...

fear (yes, bloody fear) has always made me keep him onside previously, but what am I afraid of?

he can have no influence over my career, altho he could turn on me against SM...sure, and if this happened and I said to SM, well you know we used to date so most likely it's sour grapes, that would undermine his credibility

my boss already know and she doesn't care

he could stop doing stuff for me at work, but really, I pretty much no longer ask him for anything.,..

bottom line is this: he's had many occasions on which he could have shared with me the truth and he has failed to do so - I see this, and not for the first time, as deceptive and weak (note to self: these are NOT qualities I like in a person, and certainly are not qualities I'm looking for in any friendship/relationship)...

so, to remind myself of the many things about him I neither like, admire, nor want in a friend or partner:
 - deceptive
 - selfish
 - incapable of the sort of emotional interaction I would like
 - makes no attempt to better himself/grow
 - cannot communicate
 - is happy to criticise others
 - smokes
 - has lied to me
 - suspect he's kept me on side with no thought of my feelings
 - messed me around
 - smokes
 - is not well respected at work
 - treats his family appallingly
 - drinks too much
 - has some mental health issues (been there done that, cannot do it again)
 - likes to gossip
 - always thinks about himself
 - has never put himself on the line for me even though I've gone out on a limb to support him
 - is a crap manager
 - never goes the extra mile
 - does the bare minimum to get by
 - is lazy
 - doesn't care what people think of him at all (usually I'd envy this!)

that's enough really - don't you think?

and sure, it still hurts that small part of me that wanted to be with him - the pattern, the old young Sarah who so desperately wanted him to love her - same part of me that's wanted my mother's love, and Chris and Ben and all the others before him.....

so, when I started writing today's post I had in mind to lament emotions...but really, they are good...the last coupla years have been an amazing journey of growth and I'm proud of myself - proud of where I've got to...

how I've handled the last week is a testament to that: have largely done so alone - no giving in to wanting to talk to someone or him, have missed Leah (another story) but still, I've relied on me, and you know what? I've done well...

so, will go to bed with mixed emotions, but know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now...

nite x

hmmm influenza or

purging?

so after the events of Thursday, I've really had to take stock of the facts...

• he's moved on
• he's with her (and probably has been for a lot longer than he would care to admit to me)
• he's essentially deceived me (whether this is to keep me onside, or because he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, is not certain)

and I can no longer play that game with myself - you know, the one where every time he texts me or calls me, I think 'well he can't really be 'with' her or he wouldn't be calling me'...

it's futile, it's not allowing me to move on and not like he hasn't...although I did think to myself this morning that in fact he hasn't moved on...

he has simply gone back to the person he 'ended things with' (and by things I mean, he was shagging her) to be with me...

but I should have walked away then - when he said, very early on, I can never give you what you want and that hurts me (him that is)...

seems he's not capable of taking a risk, and in this scenario, being with me, and challenging himself and growing up were taking a risk...

well I guess that's ok...for so very long I let myself see this as me not being good enough for him, but reality is, he wasn't and will never be, good enough for me...

he's someone who despite a whole bunch of support and coaching, has chosen not to make any changes to himself...it's become apparent at work that people neither like nor respect him - stupid thing is I suspected this at the beginning, but he sucked me in with his wit, and his 'we need to have a drink' bullshit, and his 'will you help me'....

anyway, I've taken stock, I've really tried to face what is and what will never be, and frankly, I should be happy it will never be...

I had a very emotional session with my therapist on Saturday, and then, against my better judgement, turned up for a PT sesh...shortly thereafter was confined to the bed with what I can only describe as the 'flu' for 30+ hours...

fever finally abated this morning, and even though I feel better (not 100%) I didn't go to work...

so I wonder actually if I didn't in fact have 'the flu', but more, this was my body's was of purging him from my system, or eradicating the hurt of the last 2 years, of finally putting in place the boundary that I so desperately wanted to put in place the very first time he broke my heart...

funny, I was thinking today about 'what is he going to think?', 'what if he's hurt' by me not responding, but not once in our entire relationship/friendship has he ever put my needs above his and yet I find myself doing it...

no more! no sirree, and maybe that's why I've just spent the best part of 3 days 'processing' the events of last week...

I suspect that it's quite possible he's lied to me on a number of occasions too...

sooo, now the way forward is to focus on me, and what I want and what I need, and what I want is no out of work contact with him, no opportunities for those niggling fantasies to develop when he reaches out to me and no more of this 'have my cake and eat it too'...

no, Nick, I am done...we are, as one might say in the movies 'at the end of the road'...there's nothing more to say, and I'm going to do my very best to see you as merely a work colleague....

of course, it's so much easier to do this when I don't have to see him...but, maybe this is the universe's way of letting me know that it's ok to put myself first, that it's ok to put a boundary in place and hold it, if it means my needs are getting met, and it's not selfish or rude or whatever other word I use to describe allowing him to have needs met when mine go unheard...

so I don't in fact think it was the flu at all...I think it was a monumental purge of Nick, Ben, Chris and all the others that have gone before - all the others who have not respected my boundaries, not cared about my needs...yep, a purge of the patterns of old...

and it's not just au revoir patterns as I don't want them coming back...

nope, it's sayonara, good bye....and good riddance! don't be coming back....

sometimes, maybe it's better not

to know?

or is that just my way of saying I don't want to know coz then I have to deal with it?

and I must say that as I write this post, I feel a little guilty that whilst I'm struggling with my reality today, there are still hundreds of people missing, and possibly dead on MH370, hundreds, probably thousands of distraught family and friends....and that certainly helps put things in perspective, and yet, I have been really impacted today so I need to write about that...

but before I continue, I'm praying to my universal guides that MH370 can be found and some answers provided...

so today I had lunch with one of my audit partner friends - she's a newish friend and she took me to lunch...sadly, she knows FC, and she knows him and I had a 'thing' a while back...and I guess she thought I was ok with it all, and largely I am...

so she proceeds to tell me that he's seeing someone, and of course, this isn't actually news to me - I'm certain he is actually 'with' Serafina in his own fucked up way, but today as she was telling me this (even though in the same story she said he didn't want to talk about it and when asked if they were moving in he said 'god no, I wouldn't do that') I started to feel incredibly sad...

it's funny really, because of late, I have actually been feeling happier than I have in ages - almost pre Nick happy, you know, really comfortable with where I am, even enjoying being single (it's simply so much better to be single when you are happy, and one's happiness is no longer entirely dependant on being 'in a relationship'...) sucks then that having finally gotten there (or seemingly gotten there) today's 'update' should really upset me

and of course I've tried to therapies myself, I've tried to rationalise how I'm feeling and tell myself it's just a little set back, and of course, I'm probably right, but then again, don't you think it's kind of odd that nearly 2 years later (although arguably things dragged on for a long time after we actually split as he continued, and I let him, mess me around) he still gets under my skin, that finding out that he might actually be in a real relationship (unlikely, frankly) with her, I'm sad?

the saddest thing of all is that for one short moment today, when I thought about it, the old thought of 'you weren't good enough for him' resurfaced...

seriously? you're not good enough for him? no, no fucking way am I going to let my lovely beautiful emotionally open self believe that...

but then I do also question the timing of things? see Sunday I had a healing session with Bec, actually Saturday, and she said 'he's seeing someone right?', then this...and sure it's probably not seeing her in the way I'd want to be seeing someone, but maybe it's the best he can do...

one thing that was interesting was Eileen's reaction to me telling her about his behaviour - the out of office texting, the weekend texting, the not inviting me to his 40th and then the follow up email containing the 'I love you'...

it's bullshit, he's bullshit and I'm over it - sadly, it would seem, I'm not entirely over him, but I am over it...

I genuinely think he keeps me onside because of my role at work....the more I find out about him, the more I am really starting to dislike him and dislike the part of me that invested so much time and energy in trying to help him

same old fucking Sarah story - pick a broken bird, try to fix them, let them get into your head, fall in love, get hurt...

man it takes a long time to recognise and break a pattern...if only it were easier...sigh

I feel stupid wondering what people must think of me - of my supporting him even though he's probably never lifted a finger to support me, never put himself out for my benefit, and yet, I've found myself defending him...

I've spent hours trying to help him on all manner of things, given him special coaching and tips on everything, and yet he's still chosen not to grow, not to do any work that might make him a better person or a more effective manager...

makes me ask why the fuck I bothered? and of course I know the answer to that: coz I wanted him to love me

coz like my mum and Ben and just about every other bloke before him, I wanted him to love me in the way I want to be loved...

and yet, from the get go he flagged he couldn't give me what I wanted...but nooo, I kept going..

this has to stop! for my own sanity, for my happiness, it has to stop....

so, I'm sad, I'm angry at myself (even though I should probably just be more accommodating and kind what that part of my self today), and I'm tired of having to have him in my life...

there's another very compelling reason to find another job, which is kinda funny as for the first time in my entire working relationship with my boss, I feel comfortable...

honestly, not having to see him really does seem like the very best way of putting him and his inconsiderate and inconsistent behaviour behind me...

anyway, I'm tired, so it's bonsoir from me xx

i find myself in a

situation that I don't want to be in, and scary thing is, it's probably mostly my own doing...

so, let's go all the way back to September, when I find out that Nick is having a 40th and I'm not invited - and his reasons, frankly, are bullshit: I thought I was doing the right thing, she's coming blah blah, quickly followed up by an email telling me he loves me, he respects me etc

so for pretty much the first time ever, I find a way to cut him out of my life, and initially it's hard - of course, right, but then it gets easier and I feel a certain freedom

I no longer look at the phone hoping he will have made contact, in fact, I eventually get to a place, where I hope he doesn't...

fast forward to March, ie now, and truthfully, I am not upset by stuff, but I realised today that I have slowly let him back in, but at what cost? and to what end?

and why is this important today? what prompted me to think about this today? well, good question! so he's at my desk doing something or other and as he's scanning through his emails, I see her name come up...

and sure, a few things have led me to believe he's not 'with her', but in their own stupid way, they probably are an item...let's be serious, he referred to her as 'his partner' at work to get out of work for an afternoon, but then why does he text me on the weekend? surely, no girlfriend would put up with that?

anyway, really, does it matter what he does and who he's with? well, yes and no...

and as I sat and listened to one of his direct reports tell me what a shocking manager was, I realised that perhaps seeing him through someone elses eyes is good? perhaps not always having his back is good - I mean seriously, when does he have my back? when does he ever extend himself for me? would he ever (with his risk averse, me me me personality) ever do something for me that might cost him (not money but you know what I mean)

well, sadly, the answer is no - and sure, I've know this for a long time - it's not new news, nothing has actually changed....Nick is, was and always will be Nick - and that isn't a compliment...

there are many reasons why we are not together, not the least of which he admits that he could never give me what I want...

but right now, I seem strangely, more attached to him than I have for some time...and I know why, even though I don't really want to admit it...

see things with one of my bff's and I is strained - yep, it is...

I'm ok to ride the wave, just don't feel like doing it alone, although, ironically, Nick is not the sort of person I could EVER explain this to and hope that he might a) understand or b) sympathise...he's totally devoid of being able to express emotions in a healthy way - he is, as I've often described him to others, most recently my parents, a man child...

I digress, but really, the issue here is probably more to do with what's occurring in one of my friendships, than Nick, but right now, I'm not ready to open up about the friendship and what has happened...

so, back to Nick! he really is a child - his ability to handle and deal with, or even express emotions, is childish...and that might be ok if I were his mother, but I'm not...

to think I recently offered to help him with his CV...why? what is in it for me? and not that I like to be too calculating in everything I do, but I guess, the interesting thing here is identifying what I thought was in it for me...

sure, some days I think I hope he'll come back - but seriously? why would I

and it probably takes going all the way back to one of my posts in early 2012, before the blog was taken down to realise that my first impressions of this man were probably spot on...

and did I mention, I hate smoking! which he still does, and in fact, I think it's worse now....

so, as I try and sift through the emotions, the patterns, the memories, the tried and true ways of me doing things, I feel a hint of sadness, and even though I have finally eradicated Chris from my physical life, occasionally, at times like these, when I feel somewhat disconnected from some people in my life and drifting, I wonder if things would be different if he hadn't been such a selfish boy of 12

anyway, I'm tired, the virus that I've been fighting for over a week seems to have taken a firm hold, the mycoplasma pneumoniae the Dr thinks I have is being treated (I hope) with antibiotics that are making me feel sick and I'm exhausted...

it's not even 9pm and I'm certain bed is about 10 minutes away...

so in my sleepy state I'm going to remind myself why what I am feeling now, I that desire to 'move towards' Nick, is really, nothing to do with him and more about me...

gotta love self awareness :-)

nite x

ps found the rings...:-)

definitely on the count

down...after the last few days and the shocking behaviour of our CFO, I really have resigned myself to resigning (resigned myself to resigning - sounds kinda cool) as soon as the 2014 bonuses are paid in March 2015...

I no longer want to work with someone like him, and not just him, there are a couple of others I also find unprofessional, rude and downright untrustworthy....

so, the plan for 2014 is to save as much as possible so that come March 2015, I can in fact ask my boss if she'll give me 3 months off to have an extended break, and if she says no, then i'll probably just resign...

of course, it's easy to say that now, and the thought of walking away from an easy (well, mostly) $440k plus each year won't be easy, but it has to be better than the alternative, which is sticking it out with people who don't share my values, are driven by money and image, and largely, have fuck all integrity...

so, the next year not only do I need to focus on saving, but also on developing some excellent network/relationships so that when I am looking for work (not to say I won't also look for a new job this year too), I will have made some inroads....

good thing is I'm clear what I want to do; either a slightly bigger HRD role or an org dev role in a massive organisation...

great to be clear...

so universe, I have always been extremely fortunate in my career, and I'd like to feel that the same fortune will shine on me this time too...ideally, I get back from the US in early December this year, start gearing up for the conversation with boss, and instead my dream job presents itself....of course, resigning can be done any old time with a similarly paying role to go to....

so, one meeting tomorrow, and two more in a couple of weeks and the networking/relationship building has begun....

on other things; feeling pretty good! healthy eating and personal training starts tomorrow, determined to shed 7.5kgs before 8 November....other than the odd irritant at work, life is pretty good...oh, and think I have a date Tuesday night....yay :-)

one step closer...

so, a couple of events in recent days have really got me thinking that I need a plan! a plan to live in NYC - even if it's for 6 weeks, it's something I have to find a way to do before it's too late...I never want to look back and think 'I wish I'd done that'...I'm not one for regrets (mostly) and this is something I don't want to regret, so effective today (actually yesterday), i'm working on a plan to make it a reality!

financially speaking, there shouldn't be an issue with doing it from Sep 15 - say Jan 15 (so maybe a 4 month stint), and sure, it's not the best time of year to do it, but still, might be nice to see out an entire 'fall' in the big apple...

so what's holding me back you might ask? well right now, the fear of what I will do when I come back...hmmm, haven't I always landed on my feet? (yes)

haven't I always not really had a plan but things have turned out ok ? (yes)

so, what am I afraid of?

yep, that's a fantastic question and one I need to spend a bit more time pondering...

guess if I'm going to do it (and I am!), timing is kind of of the essence...I guess too that knowing what the worst case scenario looks like always makes it seem ok...

soo, planning here I come...or should I say NYC here I come (some time...to be determined)

suddenly wish i

was going to NYC a whole lot sooner...

and as I sat having lunch with E today and telling her about 'the jeweller' (you know I love a nickname for the men in my life...), I realised that maybe he is someone I could get to know better and have a good time with...

not like last time I was there, too heart broken to really let myself go...

and then, I even thought that whilst there, I should really have a look at jobs, meet some people etc...

my shot at living/working in the big apple, surely diminishes as each year passes, so I owe it to myself to try and make this dream a reality...

yes, I do!

anyway, life is much better now that duplicitous cow has left the building...

yay!

nite...

been an interesting few

days, and one would think that seemingly losing not 1, not 2 but 3 expensive rings would send me into a spin, but no.. and sure, 2 of them don't mean anything to me, but one of them is the ruby ring my mum gave me when I graduated...

I don't want to think that either the builders or the painters may have stolen them, but having turned my bedroom upside down this morning when I realised they weren't there, that seems the most obvious answer...:-(

funny, as not only are they gone, but 2 of the 3 pieces of another ring too - weird! there's a part of me that thinks they are hidden 'safely' somewhere, so safe, I can't find them, and I sincerely hope that is right...but for now, they remain unfound...

had home spiritually cleansed and blessed yesterday by Bec - that was nice...crystals placed in every room, sage burned and wafted around to clear stuff out, and a healing to complete the picture - was lovely :-) and funnily enough, I woke up feeling happier than I have in ages - content, happy and have enjoyed a lovely day pottering around...

was supposed to see Sara but she was unwell, so hope to see her Wed night for dinner....can't wait to see her the pottering included a couple of loads of washing, sheet and towel changes and I repainted the sconces...they are white again, and I think I like them - they do however need different coloured candles - the cream/neutral ones there today just don't really go...

the lexi grey ottomans were not only damaged but not really the right colour so they'll be going back....:-( back to the drawing board there the chrome and glass lamp table should arrive this week which will be nice, and Mum is going to have the chinese tea stand...

ebay sales going great guns - 2 of my suits and a jacket sold today, 2 skirts shipped off today which makes 4 skirts in total...

debt free other than mortgage, bonus approved at 100% and payrise of $25k (no really anything to get excited about and still isn't what I think I should be getting paid, but still, it's an extra $900 a month after tax and after the extra week of leave I've bought)...

holiday almost booked and considering a trip in April too as I'm taking 3 days between Easter and Anzac Day off to give me a 10 day break - yay! considering Perth, or else, may go to Wendy's up north....

anyway, I'm tired, it's been a long day as I was awake early and tomorrow is a big day at work and a hair wash day, so an early night is on the cards...

ciao x

so very impacted by

him right now seems he's finally realised how important being a manager is and he's tried (in his way i guess) to acknowledge my role in that, but in doing so has sent a thank you to one of my team and just copied me about her...never really thanks me directly and i'm hurt i'm resentful that i feel as though i've put so much effort into him and into supporting him, and really, what do i get in return - and i know i shouldn't give expecting something in return, but in this case, i guess i do and it's complicated by work, it's complicated by the fact that i really did want to be with him (for a time anyway)... it's complicated by the fact that i suspect he's lied to me, and that he is in fact 'with' Serafina, even though he maintains he's not... all of this impacted me so much that i feel extremely emotional, i do not want to see him/talk to him today and i would dearly love to be hidden away at the sanctuary... how on earth can he still impact me so much when it's been so long? well the answer to that is that a) i have to see him 5 days in every week when i'm working and b) we still have a lot to do with each other in a work sense and c) i'm someone who finds it hard to let go of stuff, and to simply 'forget' what was even when it's over... so, anyway, i've had my teary and hopefully the day will improve from here...

it's the eve of my 45th

birthday, and whilst a part of me is thinking 'fuck, 45 is old', another part of me is quite content with life...

so the good:
 - my health is largely good (only 2 days ago got an all clear mammogram result)
 - my family are good and I plan to spend more time with them in 2014
 - my job is good (the job itself is good, there are plenty of other ancillary issues, but I love the work, my little team and I'm proud of what we've achieved)
 - financially I have plenty of stability and feel very fortunate
 - I have fabulous friends, friends I love, friends who love me...it truly is the time in one's life when friends seem more important than ever before - they become, in many ways, the family we choose
 - I have plenty of travel planned including thanksgiving in NYC this year
 - my beautiful little home is all but complete following the face lift of 2013
 - I think I've worked out what I want to do with my remaining time in corporate life
 - I think I've managed to mostly put FC out of my mind despite having to see him 5 days a week, and I am finally seeing him perhaps as everyone else does
- 2013 was a year where I really saw my 'process' around certain stuff for what it is, and rather than criticise it, I think I've accepted it which has been great...
 - I've managed (mostly) to separate my bosses ridiculous views of the function I head up from being about Sarah...that's been a journey and a half
 - I feel pretty good for so called middle age and my little sis tells me 'it's just a number, and you only look 35'...
 - mostly, I'm happy...

the not so good:
 - I could lose a few pounds and I spent most of 2013 either renovating or ill from dust relating to renovating so exercise took a back seat: would like to find a way to get it back on my agenda
 - I haven't yet found a partner, but I have accepted that life is pretty good, so whilst I'd dearly love to meet someone to share my life with, in the meantime I'm not 'waiting'
 - sometimes I let my boss get me down, and I let knowledge of what others get paid make me feel less than I am: mental note to self...remember that you do a great job, you are valued and you make a difference
 - the inevitable aches and pains that start to set in as we get older become more noticeable with each passing year...
 - occasionally, FC still gets under my skin...

but mostly, honestly, life is good! I have a plan, or probably more accurately I have a direction, I love where things are at right now and the future is somewhat exciting...

so, as I prepare to turn 45 (which will happen at about 10.37pm local time tomorrow) it's rather comforting to feel happy with my lot in life...to look around me and see people I love, achievements I'm proud of, a home that is truly my sanctuary from the world, a world which probably hasn't gotten much better, but maybe I've made a difference to a few souls in it....and the year ahead which I hope holds possibly a new qualification (considering dabbling with interior decorating) and the completion of the much anticipated novel...surely with only 20,000 words to go that can be done and dusted this year?

so from this little Capricorn to you, good night...and happy birthday for me tomorrow!