battered and bruised

yep, that's how i feel tonight...so yesterday, i fell out of a cab when arriving at work (long story, but basically wasn't a normal car but one of those family wagons, so much higher than i'm used to, had heels on as was going out to lunch and fell out)...right leg badly bruised in 2 places, left arm also pretty banged up - Sharon (my massage therapist) is going to have a field day seeing all the bruises tuesday when i'm there...she often comments on how many bruises i have, and this is when no seemingly 'major' injuries have occurred! i look like someone has belted me :-(

and battered, well that's more about my mental state earlier in the day....after dinner with FC wednesday i really didn't feel too good last night, and after a shocking night (another 3am wake up) i found it impossible to get back to sleep and instead lay here thinking about him, about us, about why it didn't work, about how sad i was....so the day did not start well, i was uncharacteristically flat and although i felt nothing of the despair or 'depression' i felt a couple of weeks ago, i felt flat...

day was busy, coupla big work things that had to be attended to today (which was good as i felt useful and too busy to sit around thinking) and by the time 5.30pm rolled around and i left, i was feeling pretty good! tired but good...had dinner with a work colleague tonight - a fellow snr mgr and it was great - she's good fun, we had a nice time, went to Chophouse in town (a NY steak house! gearing up for the big trip)...and such a good night that i was home and tucked up in bed just before 10pm! all good - you know you're getting old when a good night is one that is gauged on how early you're in bed - alone! ha

so my ego is somewhat bruised also....seems none of the friends were in favour of me catching up with him wed night (and i totally get that - if I was my friend i wouldn't have been for it either!)....but i did...after a vodka with lunch yesterday i got home and felt flat, sad and basically found myself missing him (or at least the idea of someone) and i sent him a text (as he hadn't responded to my response - of course he hadn't - this is his game, his pattern) so i sent a simple text saying 'why don't you tell me what you want re out of work comms and we'll go from there'...so nothing! it's now been 30 hours or so and still nothing - well that's just rude! nobody is THAT busy they can't find time to answer a text in 30 hours...unless of course he's done his 'i' thing and gone into his head to have a good think about it...possibly he thinks we should cut off non work contact but doesn't know how to tell me that...

who the fuck knows? all i know is that i'm done with his games, and his sometimes selfishness (today as an example, asks me if i have 5 minutes free at work to talk about something, we meet up, i ask him how he is and instead of doing the polite thing and asking me how i am, he just launches in to what he wants to talk about)....am over that!

soo no response to what he wants re talking outside of work so perhaps i'll institute what i want - which for the most part is NOTHING outside of work...only a small part of me wants to maintain an ongoing dialogue (why i have no idea) with him outside of work...maybe this small part of me is also the same part of me that hasn't given up hope that he'll change his mind and come back? maybe...

anyway, for now i'm done! i can't spend another minute wasting time on him...

nope! i'm done, and bruised and battered, and i have a new car! georgie gti arrived wednesday and she's fabulous! her and i are already having lots of fun! she goes v v fast!

anyway, i'm tired, it's been a long week and so i'm having an early night...yay! nite peeps and happy weekend ahead x