seems i'm rather passive at

times...

yep, the one time (well not one, there have been HEAPS of times i probably could have exercised more offensive behaviour) i think i shouldn't be so passive, seems i'm sort of stuck...

and this all has to do with the planned 'dinner and chat' catch up tomorrow night...

oops! haven't even confessed to 2 of my friends (Leah and LL) that i'm doing this as i just know they will look at me and say 'WTF'...which in some ways is what i am saying to myself...

and often i do this - i put it out to the universe to solve, but i suspect that in this case, that ain't gonna happen! although last time i did this and asked the universe to make sure i didn't see him Sunday, he sent me a rude text which just hurt my feelings...

sooooo i need to be VERY careful what i ask the universe for? perhaps courage? ah yes, courage! yes, if i had a bit more of that, rather than feel afraid of how he might respond to me saying 'actually, let's not catch up tomorrow, things seem to be going along nicely' perhaps i'd be able to deliver that message in a kind and loving way...

fuck! i'm concerned about hurting his feelings, when seriously, i should really be looking after myself! yes i should...not only because i should but because of all the times when he's done what he needed to do, irrespective of how it would impact me...

but seems i don't have that in me, not yet anyway...possibly that's one of the lessons here? sure, i've probably said that before, but obviously i haven't learnt it yet or why else would this keep coming up?

hmmm, something to ponder on right there...

so i'm unsure if there is any value in having dinner - it's clear we aren't friend in the way i would typically be friends with someone...no! and i'm unsure we could be? i'm unsure i want to be...how can i be friends with a man i wanted to have so much more with, with a man i still work with? yep, don't know the answers to those questions...

so, an early night is on the cards - i have tea, i have another new book and i intend to immerse myself in it so that i don't have to think about tomorrow...

yes yes, i realise this is effectively running away, but hey, it's all i can do right now...

nite peeps! happy Wed ahead xx