yep, that's how i feel tonight...so yesterday, i fell out of a cab when arriving at work (long story, but basically wasn't a normal car but one of those family wagons, so much higher than i'm used to, had heels on as was going out to lunch and fell out)...right leg badly bruised in 2 places, left arm also pretty banged up - Sharon (my massage therapist) is going to have a field day seeing all the bruises tuesday when i'm there...she often comments on how many bruises i have, and this is when no seemingly 'major' injuries have occurred! i look like someone has belted me :-(
and battered, well that's more about my mental state earlier in the day....after dinner with FC wednesday i really didn't feel too good last night, and after a shocking night (another 3am wake up) i found it impossible to get back to sleep and instead lay here thinking about him, about us, about why it didn't work, about how sad i was....so the day did not start well, i was uncharacteristically flat and although i felt nothing of the despair or 'depression' i felt a couple of weeks ago, i felt flat...
day was busy, coupla big work things that had to be attended to today (which was good as i felt useful and too busy to sit around thinking) and by the time 5.30pm rolled around and i left, i was feeling pretty good! tired but good...had dinner with a work colleague tonight - a fellow snr mgr and it was great - she's good fun, we had a nice time, went to Chophouse in town (a NY steak house! gearing up for the big trip)...and such a good night that i was home and tucked up in bed just before 10pm! all good - you know you're getting old when a good night is one that is gauged on how early you're in bed - alone! ha
so my ego is somewhat bruised also....seems none of the friends were in favour of me catching up with him wed night (and i totally get that - if I was my friend i wouldn't have been for it either!)....but i did...after a vodka with lunch yesterday i got home and felt flat, sad and basically found myself missing him (or at least the idea of someone) and i sent him a text (as he hadn't responded to my response - of course he hadn't - this is his game, his pattern) so i sent a simple text saying 'why don't you tell me what you want re out of work comms and we'll go from there'...so nothing! it's now been 30 hours or so and still nothing - well that's just rude! nobody is THAT busy they can't find time to answer a text in 30 hours...unless of course he's done his 'i' thing and gone into his head to have a good think about it...possibly he thinks we should cut off non work contact but doesn't know how to tell me that...
who the fuck knows? all i know is that i'm done with his games, and his sometimes selfishness (today as an example, asks me if i have 5 minutes free at work to talk about something, we meet up, i ask him how he is and instead of doing the polite thing and asking me how i am, he just launches in to what he wants to talk about)....am over that!
soo no response to what he wants re talking outside of work so perhaps i'll institute what i want - which for the most part is NOTHING outside of work...only a small part of me wants to maintain an ongoing dialogue (why i have no idea) with him outside of work...maybe this small part of me is also the same part of me that hasn't given up hope that he'll change his mind and come back? maybe...
anyway, for now i'm done! i can't spend another minute wasting time on him...
nope! i'm done, and bruised and battered, and i have a new car! georgie gti arrived wednesday and she's fabulous! her and i are already having lots of fun! she goes v v fast!
anyway, i'm tired, it's been a long week and so i'm having an early night...yay! nite peeps and happy weekend ahead x
books
books
Friday, August 31, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
learned my lesson?
yes, so it would seem that the friends were right and catching with him last night has done nothing other than set me back a bit :-(
not happy...and mainly with myself...
not sure why i thought it would be a good idea really?
well that's not entirely true......small part of me was hoping he'd beg me to take him back, small part of me still really fancies the idea of a relationship with him and of course a bigger part of me still likes him, which is made more difficult in some way by just how well we are getting on at work, which is what started this all in the first place....
why must I meet and be attracted to men who aren't ready for the sort of relationship I want and are emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit?
yep, that is a pattern I really have to break...
so, tonight, a day after our catchup, I'm sad...not inconsolable like I was weeks ago, but sad none the less
and of course we didn't talk last night, he didn't raise and for once neither did I...but then I did get a text later...."thank you for dinner. We didn't really talk and I'm not really sure we need to unless you think otherwise and frankly we were both tired anyway. I think we seem to have settled into getting on as friends at work, which is good. My only question is where we stand on out of work comms"
sooo who knows really? I don't think I want to be friends but I seem incapable of cutting him off....although last weekend with almost no contact was actually nice....
maybe that's a sign!?
not happy...and mainly with myself...
not sure why i thought it would be a good idea really?
well that's not entirely true......small part of me was hoping he'd beg me to take him back, small part of me still really fancies the idea of a relationship with him and of course a bigger part of me still likes him, which is made more difficult in some way by just how well we are getting on at work, which is what started this all in the first place....
why must I meet and be attracted to men who aren't ready for the sort of relationship I want and are emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit?
yep, that is a pattern I really have to break...
so, tonight, a day after our catchup, I'm sad...not inconsolable like I was weeks ago, but sad none the less
and of course we didn't talk last night, he didn't raise and for once neither did I...but then I did get a text later...."thank you for dinner. We didn't really talk and I'm not really sure we need to unless you think otherwise and frankly we were both tired anyway. I think we seem to have settled into getting on as friends at work, which is good. My only question is where we stand on out of work comms"
sooo who knows really? I don't think I want to be friends but I seem incapable of cutting him off....although last weekend with almost no contact was actually nice....
maybe that's a sign!?
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
should really listen to my body....
so today, a couple of hours before i was supposed to be having dinner with FC i started to feel quite nauseous...and not nauseous i've eaten something bad nauseous, nope, the sort of nauseous i get when i know i'm about to do something i don't really want to....
but of course, only hours earlier having agreed to see him (when he texted to see if dinner was still on) i didn't feel like i could change my mind...
seems i put his needs ahead of mine, in that my concern for how he might feel if i cancel seemed to override how i was feeling, which was that i didn't really see any point whatsoever having dinner with him...
and E was right - he did not even get close to starting the conversation we were supposed to be having - nothing new there - anytime he said we should talk, he never did bring it up and for the first time i decided not to...
so what happened was exactly what i thought - we talked about work, about my car, about our respective holidays but not about what we had planned to talk about - ie how to 'be' now that we are nothing more to each other than work colleagues in my mind, friends in his...
when i questioned him about his 'my auditors' statement the other saturday, he said i'd had a sense of humour bypass - problem is, it's pretty fucking hard to work out when he's being serious and when he's trying to be funny...
soo tonight was ok, sure it's ok hanging out with him, but really, not sure why i put myself thru it...
one thing that really pissed me off though, and i kind of told him was that i'd asked him to grab a lemon and a bottle of white wine, he replies with 'are there shops near you that sell such things?' - you'd think i'd asked him to get something unusual! and so because i couldn't be arsed explaining this to him via text i ended up getting them myself...you'd think an intelligent person such as he is would be able to work it out for himself, but perhaps it just shows where his mind is at? and how much, or little in this case, he could be arsed putting himself out to help me...a so called friend...
so i'm not sure i would go so far as to say i wish i hadn't bothered, but that's kind of how i'm feeling...sure he's a very good stirrer of risotto and he sorted out a storage issue on my new laptop, but really, not sure there's anything beyond that...oh, and i'm starting to really notice just how unattractive i find the smell of cigarettes...
hmmm feeling largely numb and ambivalent, hope that will have gone by morning! guess it's better than being so upset i want to cry...but i'm not!
but of course, only hours earlier having agreed to see him (when he texted to see if dinner was still on) i didn't feel like i could change my mind...
seems i put his needs ahead of mine, in that my concern for how he might feel if i cancel seemed to override how i was feeling, which was that i didn't really see any point whatsoever having dinner with him...
and E was right - he did not even get close to starting the conversation we were supposed to be having - nothing new there - anytime he said we should talk, he never did bring it up and for the first time i decided not to...
so what happened was exactly what i thought - we talked about work, about my car, about our respective holidays but not about what we had planned to talk about - ie how to 'be' now that we are nothing more to each other than work colleagues in my mind, friends in his...
when i questioned him about his 'my auditors' statement the other saturday, he said i'd had a sense of humour bypass - problem is, it's pretty fucking hard to work out when he's being serious and when he's trying to be funny...
soo tonight was ok, sure it's ok hanging out with him, but really, not sure why i put myself thru it...
one thing that really pissed me off though, and i kind of told him was that i'd asked him to grab a lemon and a bottle of white wine, he replies with 'are there shops near you that sell such things?' - you'd think i'd asked him to get something unusual! and so because i couldn't be arsed explaining this to him via text i ended up getting them myself...you'd think an intelligent person such as he is would be able to work it out for himself, but perhaps it just shows where his mind is at? and how much, or little in this case, he could be arsed putting himself out to help me...a so called friend...
so i'm not sure i would go so far as to say i wish i hadn't bothered, but that's kind of how i'm feeling...sure he's a very good stirrer of risotto and he sorted out a storage issue on my new laptop, but really, not sure there's anything beyond that...oh, and i'm starting to really notice just how unattractive i find the smell of cigarettes...
hmmm feeling largely numb and ambivalent, hope that will have gone by morning! guess it's better than being so upset i want to cry...but i'm not!
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
hey there georgie girl
is one of my all time favourite songs! so no surprise that my new beast, yes my little Golf GTI arrives tomorrow, will be called Georgie...
and not just because of the song but also because she's a GTI - see most of my cars, except Berdy (my current car, who's been a trusty friend for nearly 5 years) have been named so that their names start with the same letter as the model...
max mirage, harry hyundai, lewis lantra, indi i30 (no wait, it became berdy when Dan and Dad saw the rego and decided upon a different name)...and funnily enough all my previous cars have had what i consider to be blokes names, although arguably berdy is a chic's name? but Georgie - nope, she's gonna be a girl and I have no idea why!
so FC and i were chatting at work today and for the 2nd time he suggested we could park out GTI's next to each other and they could have GTI babies - really? black and blue babies, he said, or even purple! a grown man would say this? endearing really, and like me, he's sentimental about his cars...one of the things i liked about him i guess
and on that note, i am sad to be parting with berdy tomorrow...he's been a trusty car and one i've really enjoyed driving - probably best car to date...so thanks berdy and hope you end up with a good owner...
but there's no denying my excitement about Georgie GTI - have wanted a GTI for as LONG as I can remember so this time tomorrow i will have one...woo hoo!
funny, for the first time in days i had a momentary lapse into 'what if' or 'what could have been' as i got ahead of him in traffic on the way home tonight....he has just about stopped all out of work comms (which i guess is actually good - gives me a nice break and a chance to try and just move on)...but truthfully, i do miss him....
anyway, am going to bed on a positive note ahead of Georgie's arrival tomorrow...
nite!
and not just because of the song but also because she's a GTI - see most of my cars, except Berdy (my current car, who's been a trusty friend for nearly 5 years) have been named so that their names start with the same letter as the model...
max mirage, harry hyundai, lewis lantra, indi i30 (no wait, it became berdy when Dan and Dad saw the rego and decided upon a different name)...and funnily enough all my previous cars have had what i consider to be blokes names, although arguably berdy is a chic's name? but Georgie - nope, she's gonna be a girl and I have no idea why!
so FC and i were chatting at work today and for the 2nd time he suggested we could park out GTI's next to each other and they could have GTI babies - really? black and blue babies, he said, or even purple! a grown man would say this? endearing really, and like me, he's sentimental about his cars...one of the things i liked about him i guess
and on that note, i am sad to be parting with berdy tomorrow...he's been a trusty car and one i've really enjoyed driving - probably best car to date...so thanks berdy and hope you end up with a good owner...
but there's no denying my excitement about Georgie GTI - have wanted a GTI for as LONG as I can remember so this time tomorrow i will have one...woo hoo!
funny, for the first time in days i had a momentary lapse into 'what if' or 'what could have been' as i got ahead of him in traffic on the way home tonight....he has just about stopped all out of work comms (which i guess is actually good - gives me a nice break and a chance to try and just move on)...but truthfully, i do miss him....
anyway, am going to bed on a positive note ahead of Georgie's arrival tomorrow...
nite!
seems i'm rather passive at
times...
yep, the one time (well not one, there have been HEAPS of times i probably could have exercised more offensive behaviour) i think i shouldn't be so passive, seems i'm sort of stuck...
and this all has to do with the planned 'dinner and chat' catch up tomorrow night...
oops! haven't even confessed to 2 of my friends (Leah and LL) that i'm doing this as i just know they will look at me and say 'WTF'...which in some ways is what i am saying to myself...
and often i do this - i put it out to the universe to solve, but i suspect that in this case, that ain't gonna happen! although last time i did this and asked the universe to make sure i didn't see him Sunday, he sent me a rude text which just hurt my feelings...
sooooo i need to be VERY careful what i ask the universe for? perhaps courage? ah yes, courage! yes, if i had a bit more of that, rather than feel afraid of how he might respond to me saying 'actually, let's not catch up tomorrow, things seem to be going along nicely' perhaps i'd be able to deliver that message in a kind and loving way...
fuck! i'm concerned about hurting his feelings, when seriously, i should really be looking after myself! yes i should...not only because i should but because of all the times when he's done what he needed to do, irrespective of how it would impact me...
but seems i don't have that in me, not yet anyway...possibly that's one of the lessons here? sure, i've probably said that before, but obviously i haven't learnt it yet or why else would this keep coming up?
hmmm, something to ponder on right there...
so i'm unsure if there is any value in having dinner - it's clear we aren't friend in the way i would typically be friends with someone...no! and i'm unsure we could be? i'm unsure i want to be...how can i be friends with a man i wanted to have so much more with, with a man i still work with? yep, don't know the answers to those questions...
so, an early night is on the cards - i have tea, i have another new book and i intend to immerse myself in it so that i don't have to think about tomorrow...
yes yes, i realise this is effectively running away, but hey, it's all i can do right now...
nite peeps! happy Wed ahead xx
yep, the one time (well not one, there have been HEAPS of times i probably could have exercised more offensive behaviour) i think i shouldn't be so passive, seems i'm sort of stuck...
and this all has to do with the planned 'dinner and chat' catch up tomorrow night...
oops! haven't even confessed to 2 of my friends (Leah and LL) that i'm doing this as i just know they will look at me and say 'WTF'...which in some ways is what i am saying to myself...
and often i do this - i put it out to the universe to solve, but i suspect that in this case, that ain't gonna happen! although last time i did this and asked the universe to make sure i didn't see him Sunday, he sent me a rude text which just hurt my feelings...
sooooo i need to be VERY careful what i ask the universe for? perhaps courage? ah yes, courage! yes, if i had a bit more of that, rather than feel afraid of how he might respond to me saying 'actually, let's not catch up tomorrow, things seem to be going along nicely' perhaps i'd be able to deliver that message in a kind and loving way...
fuck! i'm concerned about hurting his feelings, when seriously, i should really be looking after myself! yes i should...not only because i should but because of all the times when he's done what he needed to do, irrespective of how it would impact me...
but seems i don't have that in me, not yet anyway...possibly that's one of the lessons here? sure, i've probably said that before, but obviously i haven't learnt it yet or why else would this keep coming up?
hmmm, something to ponder on right there...
so i'm unsure if there is any value in having dinner - it's clear we aren't friend in the way i would typically be friends with someone...no! and i'm unsure we could be? i'm unsure i want to be...how can i be friends with a man i wanted to have so much more with, with a man i still work with? yep, don't know the answers to those questions...
so, an early night is on the cards - i have tea, i have another new book and i intend to immerse myself in it so that i don't have to think about tomorrow...
yes yes, i realise this is effectively running away, but hey, it's all i can do right now...
nite peeps! happy Wed ahead xx
Monday, August 27, 2012
er, i think i just might be
over him...is that possible? and i typically hate (ok, maybe dislike intensely) the expression 'over' but i think perhaps i am?
so after a few moments of sadness upon waking yesterday, i had a fabulous day, did some stuff i had been planning to do for ages, went for walk in sun, pottered around, did some 'clearing out' (quite possibly that was as cathartic as the 'clearing out' i've been attempting in my head), did some shopping and then went to an old friends (read younger brother of girl I used to tutor, who I kind of saw as a little brother myself) for dinner...where i had a simply lovely evening and a great way to top off what had essentially been a fantastic weekend...first one in AGES i can say i thoroughly enjoyed and i wonder how much of that is because i had NO contact with FC (bar a lone email Friday night and then he texted me sunday night)...
hmmm really was nice to have some space and to not have to think about 'how to be' or what crap he might throw my way or whether or not i would get his 'my auditors' crap.....nope, just nice to not have to deal with it at all...
and i've removed his name from my phone (i know, i know, probably futile but i felt last week it needed to be done)....which now means initiating text (haven't done that in ages!) is much harder as i have to go scouring thru my emails for his number...
so, maybe just maybe, and i'm so not trying to jinx myself, i am over him? i felt nothing for him when i saw him in a meeting today (although we do get on v well still), and then in a meeting where it was just me and him, he mentioned my nails - WHAT is with that i wonder?
so now the dilemma that remains is whether or not i bother to have dinner with him on Wed night - not really sure i want to, not really sure there is any point and so i'm wondering how to nicely extract myself from what i now feel like is an obligation...yep, definitely sounds like i'm over him!
and to top it off, when he arrived at our meeting late today (no apology, but a statement 'all my meetings are running behind today') he absolutely stank of smoke...it was disgusting and i sat there thinking 'i've kissed this man'....hmmm, interesting!
soooo hopefully i'm right, hopefully i'm over him and hopefully that means that this corner is turned!
bring on new york and 3 weeks of me time which will include sitting in bars/cafes smiling at, chatting to, chatting up and possibly more with a whole lot of men! i hope...
nite xx
so after a few moments of sadness upon waking yesterday, i had a fabulous day, did some stuff i had been planning to do for ages, went for walk in sun, pottered around, did some 'clearing out' (quite possibly that was as cathartic as the 'clearing out' i've been attempting in my head), did some shopping and then went to an old friends (read younger brother of girl I used to tutor, who I kind of saw as a little brother myself) for dinner...where i had a simply lovely evening and a great way to top off what had essentially been a fantastic weekend...first one in AGES i can say i thoroughly enjoyed and i wonder how much of that is because i had NO contact with FC (bar a lone email Friday night and then he texted me sunday night)...
hmmm really was nice to have some space and to not have to think about 'how to be' or what crap he might throw my way or whether or not i would get his 'my auditors' crap.....nope, just nice to not have to deal with it at all...
and i've removed his name from my phone (i know, i know, probably futile but i felt last week it needed to be done)....which now means initiating text (haven't done that in ages!) is much harder as i have to go scouring thru my emails for his number...
so, maybe just maybe, and i'm so not trying to jinx myself, i am over him? i felt nothing for him when i saw him in a meeting today (although we do get on v well still), and then in a meeting where it was just me and him, he mentioned my nails - WHAT is with that i wonder?
so now the dilemma that remains is whether or not i bother to have dinner with him on Wed night - not really sure i want to, not really sure there is any point and so i'm wondering how to nicely extract myself from what i now feel like is an obligation...yep, definitely sounds like i'm over him!
and to top it off, when he arrived at our meeting late today (no apology, but a statement 'all my meetings are running behind today') he absolutely stank of smoke...it was disgusting and i sat there thinking 'i've kissed this man'....hmmm, interesting!
soooo hopefully i'm right, hopefully i'm over him and hopefully that means that this corner is turned!
bring on new york and 3 weeks of me time which will include sitting in bars/cafes smiling at, chatting to, chatting up and possibly more with a whole lot of men! i hope...
nite xx
Saturday, August 25, 2012
post #2
should i feel bad? i do and i don't...
so i had a horror thought today - what if FC were to find the blog? to stumble across what is pretty much my inner thoughts, at times a complete purge of my inner dialogue...
well truthfully i'd be sad if he saw it, and just thinking about that possibility makes me cringe - however, it's my blog and they are my thoughts at the time i post them - they aren't permanent, of course, but i would be sad if he were to read all of this stuff...and of course it's not all bad, there's plenty of stuff about why i like him, how much i like him, all the cute things he did, but still, on balance, it probably appears rather negatively!
on the other hand it's highly unlikely and it is in fact, effectively, my journal, my diary and an important part of how i understand the things that happen in my life, my emotions, my feelings, my reactions, and ultimately it's a way for me to sift through what is real and what is not...
so i guess i shouldn't feel bad...
however, FC, if you do stumble across this then please know that i didn't write any of it hoping or thinking you would read it, nor intending to hurt you...but merely to try and soothe myself...
so i know i shouldn't feel bad, and a part of me does, but another part of me doesn't...
so i had a horror thought today - what if FC were to find the blog? to stumble across what is pretty much my inner thoughts, at times a complete purge of my inner dialogue...
well truthfully i'd be sad if he saw it, and just thinking about that possibility makes me cringe - however, it's my blog and they are my thoughts at the time i post them - they aren't permanent, of course, but i would be sad if he were to read all of this stuff...and of course it's not all bad, there's plenty of stuff about why i like him, how much i like him, all the cute things he did, but still, on balance, it probably appears rather negatively!
on the other hand it's highly unlikely and it is in fact, effectively, my journal, my diary and an important part of how i understand the things that happen in my life, my emotions, my feelings, my reactions, and ultimately it's a way for me to sift through what is real and what is not...
so i guess i shouldn't feel bad...
however, FC, if you do stumble across this then please know that i didn't write any of it hoping or thinking you would read it, nor intending to hurt you...but merely to try and soothe myself...
so i know i shouldn't feel bad, and a part of me does, but another part of me doesn't...
post #1
so, firstly, i've had the nicest day which followed a lovely evening...seems i am getting back out and making much more of an effort to spend time with my lovely friends...and truly, i am blessed as I have many...
so last night a lovely night out with a newish friend, a girl i've met at work....we had a couple of drinks in Brighton before having dinner and then moving on to a cool cafe called Chocola-ti-da where we had the most divine desert....laughed my butt off! man she is one funny chic that LL, and i had a fabulous time - bit of flirting with the waiter and maitre d, and she really is the tonic! thanks LL, hope there will be many more laughs together...
and then today, met up with one of my oldest girlfriends who i haven't seen in far too long...picked her up at hers, had a chat to her hubby and 3 year old, then we set off to Paddo...the saturday morning drive through Sydney traffic afforded us an opportunity to catch up on 8 months of news....then a simply fabulous shopping day in Paddington...went to the markets, the 2nd hand vintage stores, had lunch (very late) then headed back to hers where i stayed for dinner (thank you) and am finally home...big and busy day, but mostly, just lovely...thanks Pissoir, love you loads xx oh and we did some internet surfing for our favourite things - shoes! seems buying 3 pairs between us today wasn't enough and we scoured kate spade and neiman marcus in search of the perfect navy pump! ha ha
so, post #1 is about friends...thanks lovelies, life just wouldn't be the same without you xx
so last night a lovely night out with a newish friend, a girl i've met at work....we had a couple of drinks in Brighton before having dinner and then moving on to a cool cafe called Chocola-ti-da where we had the most divine desert....laughed my butt off! man she is one funny chic that LL, and i had a fabulous time - bit of flirting with the waiter and maitre d, and she really is the tonic! thanks LL, hope there will be many more laughs together...
and then today, met up with one of my oldest girlfriends who i haven't seen in far too long...picked her up at hers, had a chat to her hubby and 3 year old, then we set off to Paddo...the saturday morning drive through Sydney traffic afforded us an opportunity to catch up on 8 months of news....then a simply fabulous shopping day in Paddington...went to the markets, the 2nd hand vintage stores, had lunch (very late) then headed back to hers where i stayed for dinner (thank you) and am finally home...big and busy day, but mostly, just lovely...thanks Pissoir, love you loads xx oh and we did some internet surfing for our favourite things - shoes! seems buying 3 pairs between us today wasn't enough and we scoured kate spade and neiman marcus in search of the perfect navy pump! ha ha
so, post #1 is about friends...thanks lovelies, life just wouldn't be the same without you xx
Thursday, August 23, 2012
as luck would have it...
one of NY's 3 best vodka bars is within a 5 minute walk of my hotel - jack pot!! seriously, surely that is a sign, and we all know how i love a sign!
so now all i need to find is a nail bar (that'll be easy), a massage place (less easy in a country where you say massage and they probably think you want sex!), a great salad/sandwich bar, a cafe (that will be easy) and a writing course to go on (seem to be struggling, but i'll keep at it)...
this time in 6 weeks i'll be officially on leave! simply cannot wait....
soon i'll be counting down the days not the weeks, and then i'll need to have the next trip planned otherwise the inevitable post trip depression will set in...
hmmm where next?
so now all i need to find is a nail bar (that'll be easy), a massage place (less easy in a country where you say massage and they probably think you want sex!), a great salad/sandwich bar, a cafe (that will be easy) and a writing course to go on (seem to be struggling, but i'll keep at it)...
this time in 6 weeks i'll be officially on leave! simply cannot wait....
soon i'll be counting down the days not the weeks, and then i'll need to have the next trip planned otherwise the inevitable post trip depression will set in...
hmmm where next?
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
how is it possible
that I still miss him? after everything? especially his appalling behaviour today.......
i'm either stupid or too forgiving or I really really liked him?
or maybe I just really wanted it to work coz I'm over being single....:-(
surely though being happily single is better than being with someone who hardly ever made me feel good about myself, or special and really would be settling in the worst possible way?
and sure, he ticks some of the boxes, but not nearly enough.....
and I do deserve the best....wonder if I say that enough times will I start to really believe it?
hmmm pondering...
i'm either stupid or too forgiving or I really really liked him?
or maybe I just really wanted it to work coz I'm over being single....:-(
surely though being happily single is better than being with someone who hardly ever made me feel good about myself, or special and really would be settling in the worst possible way?
and sure, he ticks some of the boxes, but not nearly enough.....
and I do deserve the best....wonder if I say that enough times will I start to really believe it?
hmmm pondering...
slowly does it
is pretty much the only way i can describe how my recovery phase is going...and yes, whilst recovery may sound dramatic, it really feels like that's what it is...
recovery from my 'addiction' to FC, recovery from the hurt of him essentially dumping me just when i'd really started to fall for him, recovery from the dashed hopes and dreams i'd created with him as the centrepiece...
yep, not a great process to find oneself in the midst of, but no doubt, in time, when i look back and reflect on this time, it will give me great comfort to realise what FC was in my life, what lesson he provided (and if i'm being honest, he's provided more than one, so maybe that's a bonus, it's maybe also why it hurts so much?) and why ultimately even though we needed to 'come' together in this life, we didn't need to stay together....
oh how i hope i reach that place of acceptance and knowledge and sometime soon...
but seems a couple of things have become apparent in recent days:
a) he really is not good for me (except on the very rare and odd occasion where we simply enjoy each other's company)
b) he is not constant and never has been and whilst for the most part i have assumed that was something to do with me, me not being enough, it's not...it's about him - the very millisecond he gets close to me, he pushes me away
c) he is a child
d) he's manipulative and knows just how to 'hook me back in'...Sal thinks that he wants me close but can't be with me - she's probably right so if he senses i might be happy or moving away, he has to 'hook' me back in, only to then release me as soon as he's had control...
frankly, the whole dynamic is dysfunctional, it's hurtful to me and it's not healthy....i simply HAVE to find a way to see him as merely another work colleague, albeit one i occasionally get on with very well, and that's it...
no expectations, no taking his shitty behaviour to heart, no expecting him to treat me differently because we had something that seemed at the time, quite special...
nope, gotta put all of that behind me and just see him for what he is...a selfish, cold (at times), immature, childish, manipulative person who was yet again, rude and disrespectful of me at work today....
oh and a smoker! a friend from work told me she told her hubby that simply by walking past him the other day she thought she got cancer! i happened to be behind him today when he came in from having a cancer stick and OMG, i have NO idea how i put up with that smell - i hate smoking, always have, always will, although i have dated a smoker before (not for a long time mind)...
WHAT was i thinking i have to ask myself...
so sure, title of post is slowly does it, and yes this has been a big thing for me to try and sit with, process, experience etc, and it's been more difficult than anything else i remember but Sal said she thought it had to happen - i had to experience this much pain otherwise how would i know that i simply don't want to go back there again? how would i know how destructive my relationship pattern is if i couldn't see it, and feel it, for what it is?
so yes, she's right....but maybe it's slow for a reason!
hmmm, hadn't quite thought of that!
nite!
recovery from my 'addiction' to FC, recovery from the hurt of him essentially dumping me just when i'd really started to fall for him, recovery from the dashed hopes and dreams i'd created with him as the centrepiece...
yep, not a great process to find oneself in the midst of, but no doubt, in time, when i look back and reflect on this time, it will give me great comfort to realise what FC was in my life, what lesson he provided (and if i'm being honest, he's provided more than one, so maybe that's a bonus, it's maybe also why it hurts so much?) and why ultimately even though we needed to 'come' together in this life, we didn't need to stay together....
oh how i hope i reach that place of acceptance and knowledge and sometime soon...
but seems a couple of things have become apparent in recent days:
a) he really is not good for me (except on the very rare and odd occasion where we simply enjoy each other's company)
b) he is not constant and never has been and whilst for the most part i have assumed that was something to do with me, me not being enough, it's not...it's about him - the very millisecond he gets close to me, he pushes me away
c) he is a child
d) he's manipulative and knows just how to 'hook me back in'...Sal thinks that he wants me close but can't be with me - she's probably right so if he senses i might be happy or moving away, he has to 'hook' me back in, only to then release me as soon as he's had control...
frankly, the whole dynamic is dysfunctional, it's hurtful to me and it's not healthy....i simply HAVE to find a way to see him as merely another work colleague, albeit one i occasionally get on with very well, and that's it...
no expectations, no taking his shitty behaviour to heart, no expecting him to treat me differently because we had something that seemed at the time, quite special...
nope, gotta put all of that behind me and just see him for what he is...a selfish, cold (at times), immature, childish, manipulative person who was yet again, rude and disrespectful of me at work today....
oh and a smoker! a friend from work told me she told her hubby that simply by walking past him the other day she thought she got cancer! i happened to be behind him today when he came in from having a cancer stick and OMG, i have NO idea how i put up with that smell - i hate smoking, always have, always will, although i have dated a smoker before (not for a long time mind)...
WHAT was i thinking i have to ask myself...
so sure, title of post is slowly does it, and yes this has been a big thing for me to try and sit with, process, experience etc, and it's been more difficult than anything else i remember but Sal said she thought it had to happen - i had to experience this much pain otherwise how would i know that i simply don't want to go back there again? how would i know how destructive my relationship pattern is if i couldn't see it, and feel it, for what it is?
so yes, she's right....but maybe it's slow for a reason!
hmmm, hadn't quite thought of that!
nite!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
today was a practice run
for my upcoming holiday, not like i need one, but i have (i confess) been feeling a wee bit sad about yet another big trip without a partner....
but today, reminded me of how amazing my trip will be...solo!
see today i had a day off work, unplanned...but sunday's visit to leah's meant i contracted the highly contagious conjunctivitis! so woke up this morning not really able to see properly or open my eyes and they felt sore, swollen and gritty...trip to the Dr's mid morning revealed a continuing low grade sinus infection as well as the eye issue and some 'congestion' in the eye are (prob explains the black circles which are really knocking my confidence around!)...
so drugged up and back home, decided to bring my tuesday night massage forward and got a reschedule to 12.15pm...
wondering what to do in the meantime and it being a glorious sunny day i opted for an early lunch in a cafe at McMahons Point, sat in the sun (back to sun) and opened one of my four new book purchases from Saturday, Paul Auster's Winter Journal...
loving it! then after massage decided i wouldn't go home, where the tendency to navel gaze and fall into a 'i miss FC type funk' might appear so instead found another cafe (this time in Nth Sydney) with seats on the pavement in the sun and sat there for upwards of 2 hours, head still firmly entrenched in my new book...
which i am LOVING! not a surprise really - seems I've enjoyed every Paul Auster book I've read to date, so not sure why this should be any different...
then, i got home and decided to go and have a much waited for pedicure! and as i was doing that i thought that in a little over 6 weeks every day could be like that for 3 whole weeks if i wanted?
woo hoo! so, after a lovely day on my own, i realised how fabulous my upcoming holiday is going to be and sure, initially i thought that i might still be sad post the break up with FC, or missing him but actually i think it's going to be great, and even more so now that my head is finally in a good place...
so, next task is to source the following within walking distance of my hotel (which will be my home for 3 weeks): nail bar, vodka bar (this is a must), place i can get a massage, book shop, cafe i want to sit in where i can watch the world go by and write...oh, and a good salad/sandwich bar...those things are a must!
so today kinda inadvertently felt like a practice run - well i can tell you, it was pretty fucking good!
watch out NYC, happy single girl heading your way...
but today, reminded me of how amazing my trip will be...solo!
see today i had a day off work, unplanned...but sunday's visit to leah's meant i contracted the highly contagious conjunctivitis! so woke up this morning not really able to see properly or open my eyes and they felt sore, swollen and gritty...trip to the Dr's mid morning revealed a continuing low grade sinus infection as well as the eye issue and some 'congestion' in the eye are (prob explains the black circles which are really knocking my confidence around!)...
so drugged up and back home, decided to bring my tuesday night massage forward and got a reschedule to 12.15pm...
wondering what to do in the meantime and it being a glorious sunny day i opted for an early lunch in a cafe at McMahons Point, sat in the sun (back to sun) and opened one of my four new book purchases from Saturday, Paul Auster's Winter Journal...
loving it! then after massage decided i wouldn't go home, where the tendency to navel gaze and fall into a 'i miss FC type funk' might appear so instead found another cafe (this time in Nth Sydney) with seats on the pavement in the sun and sat there for upwards of 2 hours, head still firmly entrenched in my new book...
which i am LOVING! not a surprise really - seems I've enjoyed every Paul Auster book I've read to date, so not sure why this should be any different...
then, i got home and decided to go and have a much waited for pedicure! and as i was doing that i thought that in a little over 6 weeks every day could be like that for 3 whole weeks if i wanted?
woo hoo! so, after a lovely day on my own, i realised how fabulous my upcoming holiday is going to be and sure, initially i thought that i might still be sad post the break up with FC, or missing him but actually i think it's going to be great, and even more so now that my head is finally in a good place...
so, next task is to source the following within walking distance of my hotel (which will be my home for 3 weeks): nail bar, vodka bar (this is a must), place i can get a massage, book shop, cafe i want to sit in where i can watch the world go by and write...oh, and a good salad/sandwich bar...those things are a must!
so today kinda inadvertently felt like a practice run - well i can tell you, it was pretty fucking good!
watch out NYC, happy single girl heading your way...
starting to wonder
what i ever liked about FC....and worse than that, i think, is that following his completely rude behaviour on Sat night, i am starting to feel the need to 'hate' him...
i really don't want to do that, although i know from my past that hating them seems to make it (in my head) easier to get over them, but i don't think that's right...
coz if i hate them, then how could i have liked, or in some cases, not FC, loved them? surely that just makes me question my own judgment?
so, i don't hate him, but i do hate his behaviour at times and how it makes me feel....and i do hate that he works where i work! yep, that was definitely an error of judgment, and sure, loads of ppl meet their partners at work, but perhaps i should have gotten to know him better before i threw myself headlong (his word, quite accurate actually in terms of a description of me) into things...
anyway! i had a day at home today (more on that in a separate post) and despite a quick teary following reading a beautifully romantic passage in Paul Auster's latest book, i can honestly say that i had quite the 'sarah' sort of day, and it was fabulous!
soooo, i think i am finally healing, moving on from what was with him, my dreams of what might have been, my hopes for what could have been....time, ah yes time, the greatest healer of them all...
and now it's only a wee bit over 6 weeks until i board my jumbo bound for my favourite place on earth...
bring it on!
i really don't want to do that, although i know from my past that hating them seems to make it (in my head) easier to get over them, but i don't think that's right...
coz if i hate them, then how could i have liked, or in some cases, not FC, loved them? surely that just makes me question my own judgment?
so, i don't hate him, but i do hate his behaviour at times and how it makes me feel....and i do hate that he works where i work! yep, that was definitely an error of judgment, and sure, loads of ppl meet their partners at work, but perhaps i should have gotten to know him better before i threw myself headlong (his word, quite accurate actually in terms of a description of me) into things...
anyway! i had a day at home today (more on that in a separate post) and despite a quick teary following reading a beautifully romantic passage in Paul Auster's latest book, i can honestly say that i had quite the 'sarah' sort of day, and it was fabulous!
soooo, i think i am finally healing, moving on from what was with him, my dreams of what might have been, my hopes for what could have been....time, ah yes time, the greatest healer of them all...
and now it's only a wee bit over 6 weeks until i board my jumbo bound for my favourite place on earth...
bring it on!
Monday, August 20, 2012
after done....
no sooern had i finished my post on saturday night than a text from him apologising comes in...sorry, he says, no signal at stadium, bf's girlfriend rushed to hospital and he's tired so would like a relaxed evening in local suburb (am i to read that being with me isn't relaxing?) and doesn't feel like talking...
i respond with hope deb's ok, nite to which he instantly assumes he must have woken me up, rather than thinking that actually i don't want to talk to him....
but i can't let the opportunity go by so i go back and tell him that i wasn't asleep but that i'd just gotten in...a conversation about the weather, football and a variety of other things ensues, including him asking me 'what you been up to?'...really, does he care? and sure i know i shouldn't say that, but there are times when he behaves so badly toward me, it is bloody difficult to comprehend that he actually might....
sat night work stuff (frankly he was nothing short of rude and petulant), later that night when he stupidly mentioned he hadn't eaten and then told me 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow night....' knowing full well how i would react to such a blunt text...even today at work, a bit off.....
yep, not sure why i ever found this man attractive and sure if anything were to occur in the future i would cringe at the thought that he might stumble across the blog, but then it is my journal, at a point in time, and honestly, he is rude at times...
sure there was plenty of stuff i liked, i even (stupidly probably) went so far as to tell him that i was crazy about him....of course my friday night email has not even been met with a response and i suspect now there will be none...of course if i followed it up there would be, but i'm not going to...
i'm done! done telling him how i felt about him, done listening to him tell me he's not ready and work's an issue - why the fuck he saw fit to get involved with me i have no idea, since the work issue was never just going to disappear? nope i am done....
so even though one of his saturday night texts was saying we could catch up another time if i liked, i surprised myself by not even responding to this....wonder if he noticed?
anyway, no more catching up and talking about stuff which is not going to change, no more texting outside of work (i'm going to do my utmost to not respond to these if there are any, and i'm certainly not going to initiate)....
yep, i'm done!
wish me luck peeps....really gotta get this man out of my head coz even when i did have 'le crush' on him, even then, he wasn't deserving of everything i have to offer...
no sirree!
i respond with hope deb's ok, nite to which he instantly assumes he must have woken me up, rather than thinking that actually i don't want to talk to him....
but i can't let the opportunity go by so i go back and tell him that i wasn't asleep but that i'd just gotten in...a conversation about the weather, football and a variety of other things ensues, including him asking me 'what you been up to?'...really, does he care? and sure i know i shouldn't say that, but there are times when he behaves so badly toward me, it is bloody difficult to comprehend that he actually might....
sat night work stuff (frankly he was nothing short of rude and petulant), later that night when he stupidly mentioned he hadn't eaten and then told me 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow night....' knowing full well how i would react to such a blunt text...even today at work, a bit off.....
yep, not sure why i ever found this man attractive and sure if anything were to occur in the future i would cringe at the thought that he might stumble across the blog, but then it is my journal, at a point in time, and honestly, he is rude at times...
sure there was plenty of stuff i liked, i even (stupidly probably) went so far as to tell him that i was crazy about him....of course my friday night email has not even been met with a response and i suspect now there will be none...of course if i followed it up there would be, but i'm not going to...
i'm done! done telling him how i felt about him, done listening to him tell me he's not ready and work's an issue - why the fuck he saw fit to get involved with me i have no idea, since the work issue was never just going to disappear? nope i am done....
so even though one of his saturday night texts was saying we could catch up another time if i liked, i surprised myself by not even responding to this....wonder if he noticed?
anyway, no more catching up and talking about stuff which is not going to change, no more texting outside of work (i'm going to do my utmost to not respond to these if there are any, and i'm certainly not going to initiate)....
yep, i'm done!
wish me luck peeps....really gotta get this man out of my head coz even when i did have 'le crush' on him, even then, he wasn't deserving of everything i have to offer...
no sirree!
can someone please explain to
me how it's possible to miss someone you know is not right for you?
nightmare....
of course, on some level i know the answer to this...chemistry, attraction, months of having a 'dream', a 'hope' of something, doesn't just magically disappear over night and nor is it (seemingly) possible to simply turn off those dreams, those hopes...
but still!
so not only was he rude to me Saturday night (not just in a work sense but also on a personal level), but i had a work dialogue with him today and even that didn't even sit that well with me...
so either i'm incredibly sensitive (i am) or there really is very little about him i like and now i find myself wondering WTF?
and sure, for some months i think i really wanted things to work out, but was that because of who he was or what he represented?
not sure i can honestly answer that question...
anyway, tonight, i was missing someone - maybe it was him, maybe it was the idea of him but still, missing....
anyway, am trying out night 2 of no sleeping tablets (last night, amazing too since it was a sunday which is notoriously my worst night of sleep in any given week, was actually ok)....
anyway, i'm annoyed that i spent so much time on a man who has little or nothing to offer me emotionally, and i'm sad that my sense of self, my self esteem is so low that i let this happen for months....
i hope i've learned that lesson, and universe, if you are listening, i am ready for an emotionally available man....
yep, so the lessons to learn with FC were that i don't have to sleep with a man for him to like me...tick! and that there is simply NO merit in wanting what isn't on offer and from the get go, FC was never on offer....
yep, sick of barking up the wrong tree!
nightmare....
of course, on some level i know the answer to this...chemistry, attraction, months of having a 'dream', a 'hope' of something, doesn't just magically disappear over night and nor is it (seemingly) possible to simply turn off those dreams, those hopes...
but still!
so not only was he rude to me Saturday night (not just in a work sense but also on a personal level), but i had a work dialogue with him today and even that didn't even sit that well with me...
so either i'm incredibly sensitive (i am) or there really is very little about him i like and now i find myself wondering WTF?
and sure, for some months i think i really wanted things to work out, but was that because of who he was or what he represented?
not sure i can honestly answer that question...
anyway, tonight, i was missing someone - maybe it was him, maybe it was the idea of him but still, missing....
anyway, am trying out night 2 of no sleeping tablets (last night, amazing too since it was a sunday which is notoriously my worst night of sleep in any given week, was actually ok)....
anyway, i'm annoyed that i spent so much time on a man who has little or nothing to offer me emotionally, and i'm sad that my sense of self, my self esteem is so low that i let this happen for months....
i hope i've learned that lesson, and universe, if you are listening, i am ready for an emotionally available man....
yep, so the lessons to learn with FC were that i don't have to sleep with a man for him to like me...tick! and that there is simply NO merit in wanting what isn't on offer and from the get go, FC was never on offer....
yep, sick of barking up the wrong tree!
Saturday, August 18, 2012
done....
yep, earlier today, before i had any contact with FC, i had come to the realisation that he is just not good for me...see yesterday, day 4 of back to back feeling good, was good until i read an email from him, the email he wrote in response to my apology/clarification email...and it wasn't very nice (well i didn't read it as such, and smacked of resentment and anger towards me)...and i let it derail my day
and then today i had a the best day, woke up, lay in bed for a while reading with a cup of tea, got up, went for a walk/run, went to therapy, visited the lovely Blues Point Bookshop and had a chat with the owner, Helen, came home, had lunch, watched Blues belt the Bombers (only by 96 points...!), then saw an email from my boss, realised FC would have the phone number of the person i need to call, asked him and he was difficult....can't say i was very happy about it...then we had a coupla texts back and forth and when he finally says randomly (and this is a pattern - i should really have become wise to this before now) 'wish there had been food at some point today' - this from the man who has claimed food isn't that important to him....i respond with oh :-( how come? he says there wasn't time and i say well you have to make time but then again food isn't that important to you...then, wait for it he says 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow - i'm tired and want a night in xxx'...just like that? now that is rude...
and here's me having spent all day thinking that i really shouldn't have sent the email i sent him last night, the one where i shot the sun up his arse, and told him just how much i'd liked him, and thinking that i shouldn't see him on Sunday because really, what would it achieve (this talking in person about stuff, with a person, who essentially doesn't like talking about this stuff?)....what it would achieve is us going over and over the same old ground - i like him, he likes me, he's not ready...no point, no fucking point at all, and in fact a complete waste of time...
but because i am ALWAYS putting other people ahead of myself and being mindful of their feelings over my own, well i couldn't work out how to tell him this, wondering instead if he didn't make contact if i would just let it slide...almost hoping that he would forget, or when he texted to confirm, not ignore him but suggest i was tired or not feeling up to it...gentle
but not him - 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow - i'm tired and would like a night in xxx'....and maybe it's not that rude given i know how he communicates, but methinks something i've said (the thing about food) has pissed him off, or else he's just simply exhausted and could have been a bit softer in his messaging?
who the fuck knows? all i know is that i was having the nicest day until i had contact with him, and his seeming lack of care in how he tells me stuff, hurt me tonight and made me think that he is in the driving seat and not me...
and why does that bug me so much, yes i can hear you asking that, as i'm asking myself! well it's a couple of things....
i feel like i failed myself, coz i wasn't strong enough to tell him
i put his feelings ahead of my own needs, which i have been doing for a long time, and not just with him, this is a pattern of my relationships, and perhaps the universe heard me earlier when i said 'please universe let me find a way not to see him this weekend and re-hash the same old stuff'...i guess i didn't think in asking for that it would be taken out of my hands, but hey, at least i won't be seeing him tomorrow...
and honestly, perhaps this is finally the lesson i need in not having to feel responsible for what happened tonight, and instead of moving towards him in an attempt to 'smooth things over' or 'fix the situation' well fuck it - i'm not the one who created the situation so WHY should i have to fix it? well, yes, there's another dysfunctional pattern i've been doing my whole life...well no, fuck it, this time FC, you can either fix it or not, but i'm going to do my absolute best to not reach out to you...i'm done
i have spent all of our relationship, and after, reaching out to you and smoothing things over, but actually i'm done....no longer am i going to let you push your shit onto me, or make me feel bad about myself....and instead of moving towards you which feels right and familiar to me, i'm instead going to sit in this hideous pit of discomfort and try and work out what it is I need right now...hmmm, not sure i know how to do that, but i'm going to try
what i need? fuck, imagine being 43 and not really knowing what it is you need? kinda scary, but better 43 than 53 or never! what i need right now is sleep (that will be happening soon), but really what i need is to remember how other people see me and try to remind myself who i am and what i want, and to believe that i deserve it....what i need right now is to remember that just because i don't have the self esteem i want (yet) and because i don't always believe in myself, does not mean i have to settle for someone who will not treat me the way i want to be treated...
yes, FC, that's you i'm talking about and sure, i know you don't read the blog and that's good and bad, but really, if you had been more mature, then this whole situation could have been avoided - you could have had the balls to either say to me, i like you but i'm not ready and leave me alone, but no, you wanted to be friends and see where things went - as my friends describe it, to have your cake and eat it too...and what about me? where did that leave me? nowhere! and then after doing the friends thing it becomes something more, and then when it is obvious it's something, you decide you don't want to be in a relationship after all, and then still send mixed messages even after that....and now, now that i'm trying to get some closure and work through all the things i want to say to you, you get snippy with me for sending mixed messages....
seriously, i'm done! and i should have been done a long time ago but because we work together and i have this fear that work will be unbearable if i tell you i don't want any contact but work, i try and do what it is you want, which is friends...but seriously, a friend would not be as rude as you were to me tonight - well, not a friend i would keep around for any period of time...
so where this leaves us i don't know? and how i will manage not to reach out and smooth things over with you, i have no idea, but i'm not doing it...nope, not this time...and you know why? coz i am done....
and then today i had a the best day, woke up, lay in bed for a while reading with a cup of tea, got up, went for a walk/run, went to therapy, visited the lovely Blues Point Bookshop and had a chat with the owner, Helen, came home, had lunch, watched Blues belt the Bombers (only by 96 points...!), then saw an email from my boss, realised FC would have the phone number of the person i need to call, asked him and he was difficult....can't say i was very happy about it...then we had a coupla texts back and forth and when he finally says randomly (and this is a pattern - i should really have become wise to this before now) 'wish there had been food at some point today' - this from the man who has claimed food isn't that important to him....i respond with oh :-( how come? he says there wasn't time and i say well you have to make time but then again food isn't that important to you...then, wait for it he says 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow - i'm tired and want a night in xxx'...just like that? now that is rude...
and here's me having spent all day thinking that i really shouldn't have sent the email i sent him last night, the one where i shot the sun up his arse, and told him just how much i'd liked him, and thinking that i shouldn't see him on Sunday because really, what would it achieve (this talking in person about stuff, with a person, who essentially doesn't like talking about this stuff?)....what it would achieve is us going over and over the same old ground - i like him, he likes me, he's not ready...no point, no fucking point at all, and in fact a complete waste of time...
but because i am ALWAYS putting other people ahead of myself and being mindful of their feelings over my own, well i couldn't work out how to tell him this, wondering instead if he didn't make contact if i would just let it slide...almost hoping that he would forget, or when he texted to confirm, not ignore him but suggest i was tired or not feeling up to it...gentle
but not him - 'i don't think i'll come over tomorrow - i'm tired and would like a night in xxx'....and maybe it's not that rude given i know how he communicates, but methinks something i've said (the thing about food) has pissed him off, or else he's just simply exhausted and could have been a bit softer in his messaging?
who the fuck knows? all i know is that i was having the nicest day until i had contact with him, and his seeming lack of care in how he tells me stuff, hurt me tonight and made me think that he is in the driving seat and not me...
and why does that bug me so much, yes i can hear you asking that, as i'm asking myself! well it's a couple of things....
i feel like i failed myself, coz i wasn't strong enough to tell him
i put his feelings ahead of my own needs, which i have been doing for a long time, and not just with him, this is a pattern of my relationships, and perhaps the universe heard me earlier when i said 'please universe let me find a way not to see him this weekend and re-hash the same old stuff'...i guess i didn't think in asking for that it would be taken out of my hands, but hey, at least i won't be seeing him tomorrow...
and honestly, perhaps this is finally the lesson i need in not having to feel responsible for what happened tonight, and instead of moving towards him in an attempt to 'smooth things over' or 'fix the situation' well fuck it - i'm not the one who created the situation so WHY should i have to fix it? well, yes, there's another dysfunctional pattern i've been doing my whole life...well no, fuck it, this time FC, you can either fix it or not, but i'm going to do my absolute best to not reach out to you...i'm done
i have spent all of our relationship, and after, reaching out to you and smoothing things over, but actually i'm done....no longer am i going to let you push your shit onto me, or make me feel bad about myself....and instead of moving towards you which feels right and familiar to me, i'm instead going to sit in this hideous pit of discomfort and try and work out what it is I need right now...hmmm, not sure i know how to do that, but i'm going to try
what i need? fuck, imagine being 43 and not really knowing what it is you need? kinda scary, but better 43 than 53 or never! what i need right now is sleep (that will be happening soon), but really what i need is to remember how other people see me and try to remind myself who i am and what i want, and to believe that i deserve it....what i need right now is to remember that just because i don't have the self esteem i want (yet) and because i don't always believe in myself, does not mean i have to settle for someone who will not treat me the way i want to be treated...
yes, FC, that's you i'm talking about and sure, i know you don't read the blog and that's good and bad, but really, if you had been more mature, then this whole situation could have been avoided - you could have had the balls to either say to me, i like you but i'm not ready and leave me alone, but no, you wanted to be friends and see where things went - as my friends describe it, to have your cake and eat it too...and what about me? where did that leave me? nowhere! and then after doing the friends thing it becomes something more, and then when it is obvious it's something, you decide you don't want to be in a relationship after all, and then still send mixed messages even after that....and now, now that i'm trying to get some closure and work through all the things i want to say to you, you get snippy with me for sending mixed messages....
seriously, i'm done! and i should have been done a long time ago but because we work together and i have this fear that work will be unbearable if i tell you i don't want any contact but work, i try and do what it is you want, which is friends...but seriously, a friend would not be as rude as you were to me tonight - well, not a friend i would keep around for any period of time...
so where this leaves us i don't know? and how i will manage not to reach out and smooth things over with you, i have no idea, but i'm not doing it...nope, not this time...and you know why? coz i am done....
hanging on...
so i got to wondering this morning why it is i 'hang on' to things for so long...and i'm not talking about physical things (although i do tend to be something of a hoarder...), no i'm talking about people, my hopes and dreams for them, even when it's clear it won't be...
i think this tends to lengthen my 'grieving period' and i've just started to read an interesting book that one of my bff's let me borrow - it's a contemporary look at grief and basically, i'm not sure i will like nor agree with it, but it's interesting all the same...
and of course, it is challenging to me in that i have found this most recent grief, the loss of the relationship with FC and what i wanted him to be, particularly difficult....
and sure, some of that will be because i am confronted with him every day at work, but there's other stuff going on too, my existential crisis for one, the not being exactly where i want to be in my life (which of course, is part of the existential crisis), but still....this isn't a new theme for me
i hold onto the person, the hopes, the dreams, the memories for such a long time, i get to wishing there was a button i could just simply push to remove them from my mind? is there?
so i'm going to ponder why i do that? part of it might relate to my childhood and relationship with my mother - as it seems it's taken me the best part of 43 years to get that relationship to a healthier place, although i'm not certain i'm totally there, but there has definitely been progress....
i really do take things too personally, i put so much stock in what others think of me, ahead of what i think of me, which leaves me thinking that still there is work to do, to find an internal strength, rather than continually looking for that external validation...fuck!
so on 27th i'm trying something new! one of my bff's, same one who loaned me the book on grief, recommended the CBT centre...CBT has long been recognised as a way of helping people suffering from depression by reviewing negative self beliefs...and let me tell you, i have so many of them it's frightening...so between now and 27th i'm going to try and start a list of them....pretty sad really that i am still hampered by so many negative beliefs that were formed in my childhood....although one thing i am extremely grateful for is the belief i previously held that i needed to sleep with a man for him to like/love me, well that's gone! and FC is a big part of me being able to debunk that one...
FC, yes, there's another chapter there (for another post) but methinks it's pretty much the final one....i really need to just rip that chapter out, burn it and move on! and sure i won't forget him, and i still like him and on some level i'm still hopeful when he's pulled through his selfish phase he may come back, but in the meantime i'm gonna do absolutely EVERYTHING i can to feel better with or without him....so yesterday i had no less than 6 or 7 people tell me how wonderful, beautiful, amazing and special i was, and yet i seem to wrap up my hopes and sense of self in just one person...one unemotionally unavailable and at times, selfish person...yep, really gotta work on this pattern - it's hampered me my whole life (no wonder really, as it's simply me repeating the pattern of my relationship with my mother)....
so today is a new day and basically it's the 5th consecutive day i have woken up feeling good, feeling like that awful cloud that has plagued me for a month or so, has lifted and moved on...
so, lot's of work to do but at least i have a clear idea of where i want to get to and plenty of help to get me there! consider myself pretty fortunate actually...
thank you universe!
have a wonderful day peeps xx
i think this tends to lengthen my 'grieving period' and i've just started to read an interesting book that one of my bff's let me borrow - it's a contemporary look at grief and basically, i'm not sure i will like nor agree with it, but it's interesting all the same...
and of course, it is challenging to me in that i have found this most recent grief, the loss of the relationship with FC and what i wanted him to be, particularly difficult....
and sure, some of that will be because i am confronted with him every day at work, but there's other stuff going on too, my existential crisis for one, the not being exactly where i want to be in my life (which of course, is part of the existential crisis), but still....this isn't a new theme for me
i hold onto the person, the hopes, the dreams, the memories for such a long time, i get to wishing there was a button i could just simply push to remove them from my mind? is there?
so i'm going to ponder why i do that? part of it might relate to my childhood and relationship with my mother - as it seems it's taken me the best part of 43 years to get that relationship to a healthier place, although i'm not certain i'm totally there, but there has definitely been progress....
i really do take things too personally, i put so much stock in what others think of me, ahead of what i think of me, which leaves me thinking that still there is work to do, to find an internal strength, rather than continually looking for that external validation...fuck!
so on 27th i'm trying something new! one of my bff's, same one who loaned me the book on grief, recommended the CBT centre...CBT has long been recognised as a way of helping people suffering from depression by reviewing negative self beliefs...and let me tell you, i have so many of them it's frightening...so between now and 27th i'm going to try and start a list of them....pretty sad really that i am still hampered by so many negative beliefs that were formed in my childhood....although one thing i am extremely grateful for is the belief i previously held that i needed to sleep with a man for him to like/love me, well that's gone! and FC is a big part of me being able to debunk that one...
FC, yes, there's another chapter there (for another post) but methinks it's pretty much the final one....i really need to just rip that chapter out, burn it and move on! and sure i won't forget him, and i still like him and on some level i'm still hopeful when he's pulled through his selfish phase he may come back, but in the meantime i'm gonna do absolutely EVERYTHING i can to feel better with or without him....so yesterday i had no less than 6 or 7 people tell me how wonderful, beautiful, amazing and special i was, and yet i seem to wrap up my hopes and sense of self in just one person...one unemotionally unavailable and at times, selfish person...yep, really gotta work on this pattern - it's hampered me my whole life (no wonder really, as it's simply me repeating the pattern of my relationship with my mother)....
so today is a new day and basically it's the 5th consecutive day i have woken up feeling good, feeling like that awful cloud that has plagued me for a month or so, has lifted and moved on...
so, lot's of work to do but at least i have a clear idea of where i want to get to and plenty of help to get me there! consider myself pretty fortunate actually...
thank you universe!
have a wonderful day peeps xx
Thursday, August 16, 2012
wonder who's reading my
blog? so in just over 4 months there have been in excess of 1,200 page views, which is a little over 10% of the views on my old blog...and that had been around for 4 years!
anyway, it's great to know there's people reading
hope you are enjoying it!
s
anyway, it's great to know there's people reading
hope you are enjoying it!
s
happiness is so
much easier to do, in that i'm sure it means that good stuff comes to us...when we are happy and giving out a positive vibe, then positive stuff comes to us? not only that, happy is attractive....it's true! and it's infectious and frankly, it just feels good....
of course, i am not saying that we should all be happy all of the time, in fact, i don't think that's possible, and i'm not underestimating how bloody difficult it is when one is actually suffering from depression or some other mental illness, to actually 'be happy'....but in recent days, the first few consecutive days in what feels like months, that i have felt happy, well, it's just been nice...
more than nice, i find myself feeling better, looking better, behaving better and in fact being a 'better' version of myself...in addition, i am sure i am more attractive to others (i'm not talking physically either)...yes, energetically happy is much better...
so i had my 3rd good day...it doesn't sound like very much but when you have felt shrouded in a dark and heavy cloud for so long, 3 days of happiness and feeling good and sunshine (i'm certain that is a factor) feel good...
and as i left work tonight (exhaustion playing a big part in me leaving just after 5pm) not sadness exactly, but something started to creep in....
perhaps it would be good for me to examine the different feelings and also the thoughts when i am tired....i am certain, of course, it makes sense, that being tired is not conducive to rational thinking and not 'going down the odd rabbit hole'....
hmmm, anyway, sure i wasn't sad, exhausted yes, but i found myself thinking about FC....a lot! might be because we had a lot of contact today, might be simply because i was tired, and it's harder to 'do new patterns' when tired as it takes much more energy to not fall into old patterns...and i told him in an email (as yet, unanswered!) that i wasn't waiting for him, and i'm not, but i have to be honest and say that even though i'm not waiting, i haven't lost hope, my day dreams that he will turn up and ask me to take him back are not dead, not by a long shot....
today i had visions of him calling me from his holiday (apparently later this year) and telling me he wanted to make me dinner and when i arrive, there's candles and him telling me he can't be without me, that's he an idiot and what was he thinking in letting me go...
oh dear, i really MUST be tired! so bed is calling, and i hope that i wake up tomorrow feeling good, which will make 4 days in a row, and surely that IS a good sign!
night folks, wishing you a happy friday ahead!
xx
of course, i am not saying that we should all be happy all of the time, in fact, i don't think that's possible, and i'm not underestimating how bloody difficult it is when one is actually suffering from depression or some other mental illness, to actually 'be happy'....but in recent days, the first few consecutive days in what feels like months, that i have felt happy, well, it's just been nice...
more than nice, i find myself feeling better, looking better, behaving better and in fact being a 'better' version of myself...in addition, i am sure i am more attractive to others (i'm not talking physically either)...yes, energetically happy is much better...
so i had my 3rd good day...it doesn't sound like very much but when you have felt shrouded in a dark and heavy cloud for so long, 3 days of happiness and feeling good and sunshine (i'm certain that is a factor) feel good...
and as i left work tonight (exhaustion playing a big part in me leaving just after 5pm) not sadness exactly, but something started to creep in....
perhaps it would be good for me to examine the different feelings and also the thoughts when i am tired....i am certain, of course, it makes sense, that being tired is not conducive to rational thinking and not 'going down the odd rabbit hole'....
hmmm, anyway, sure i wasn't sad, exhausted yes, but i found myself thinking about FC....a lot! might be because we had a lot of contact today, might be simply because i was tired, and it's harder to 'do new patterns' when tired as it takes much more energy to not fall into old patterns...and i told him in an email (as yet, unanswered!) that i wasn't waiting for him, and i'm not, but i have to be honest and say that even though i'm not waiting, i haven't lost hope, my day dreams that he will turn up and ask me to take him back are not dead, not by a long shot....
today i had visions of him calling me from his holiday (apparently later this year) and telling me he wanted to make me dinner and when i arrive, there's candles and him telling me he can't be without me, that's he an idiot and what was he thinking in letting me go...
oh dear, i really MUST be tired! so bed is calling, and i hope that i wake up tomorrow feeling good, which will make 4 days in a row, and surely that IS a good sign!
night folks, wishing you a happy friday ahead!
xx
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
shouldn't surprise me
but it does a little...FC does care about me, told me it pains him to see me so unhappy and yet he's not in a position to do anything about it and he finds himself having to hold himself back from reaching out to me...this was monday (before i started to feel good again)....
agreed with me when i told him i hoped when he was finally ready someone as fabulous as me turned up...oh that's right, there isn't anyone as fabulous as me out there...
and i suspect he will now go quiet as i sent him soemthing of a lengthy missive today following our text conversation last night, which itself was followed by an actual conversation because he misunderstood me...
seems, on reflection, that he really is more prone to analysing everything, is definitely paranoid and really is more sensitive than me - although he has always had a way of making me feel overly sensitive...he accused me of being insensitive and selfish last night - what an amazing twist of irony!
when we were together (he actually referred to me as his ex last night too...) it was so much more about him and what he wanted, and he calls me selfish - fucking hilarious!
anyway, who knows what will happen now, but i am finding, as i do, that in trying to heal myself, i want to say everything to him so there is really nothing left to say...and i feel that right now that is the process i'm going thru...
so! anyway, shouldn't surprise me that he cares, and understands...but it actually did...
am really going to bed now!
nite peeps, and thanks for dropping by
agreed with me when i told him i hoped when he was finally ready someone as fabulous as me turned up...oh that's right, there isn't anyone as fabulous as me out there...
and i suspect he will now go quiet as i sent him soemthing of a lengthy missive today following our text conversation last night, which itself was followed by an actual conversation because he misunderstood me...
seems, on reflection, that he really is more prone to analysing everything, is definitely paranoid and really is more sensitive than me - although he has always had a way of making me feel overly sensitive...he accused me of being insensitive and selfish last night - what an amazing twist of irony!
when we were together (he actually referred to me as his ex last night too...) it was so much more about him and what he wanted, and he calls me selfish - fucking hilarious!
anyway, who knows what will happen now, but i am finding, as i do, that in trying to heal myself, i want to say everything to him so there is really nothing left to say...and i feel that right now that is the process i'm going thru...
so! anyway, shouldn't surprise me that he cares, and understands...but it actually did...
am really going to bed now!
nite peeps, and thanks for dropping by
sunny days ahead
is what i am hoping for....actually, and metaphorically
see, spring is not far off here in Sydney, and in fact, based on the last few days, it feels like it may well have come early...and i am extremely grateful for that! spring is, like autumn, one of my favourite seasons...
there's nothing like the days getting slowly ever longer, the mornings slightly less crisp, brilliant sunshine streaming through my east facing bedroom window, and just generally, things start to seem easier...maybe it's because nature is at it's most beautiful in spring, or maybe because everyone is starting to shed the layers they put on over winter, to reveal who they really are, or maybe it's just me? anyway, i love spring...
i love the sense of new beginnings, of fresh starts...i long for the beginning of daylight savings when the days start to get longer, the sun shines into the evening, the morning sun makes it's appearance a wee bit earlier every day, when coming home from work no longer takes place in the dark....and this year, more than any other year in recent memory, a new beginning is definitely what i need....
and you know it hasn't been the best few months for me, so it's with absolute delight that i can report that i have had 2 consecutive days of feeling happy....hmmm, really hope this is here to stay and that the old Sarah is making a come back...
it feels like i've been hibernating for months, trying to get over the hurt of what happened with FC, attempting to move on even though i am confronted with him almost every day and i'm pretty sure the last 5 weeks can be described as rock bottom...and sure i've gone through a break up before, sure the hopes and dreams i had with someone have been dashed, but it has never seemed quite so difficult...
not sure if that's because he was/is at work, or if it's because during this time i also had some doubts about work or because literally, i've just had to deal with more than my share of grief in last few years and it finally caught up with me? or maybe it's because i had i think, my first real existential crisis - didn't feel that good i can tell you!
so monday i went to gp, after less than 5 minutes she offered me anti depressants and by the time i left i was so angry with her i think i had made up my mind not to even consider taking them...and then rest of day was pretty ordinary, then something shifted on monday evening - perhaps the chat with Bec, my crystal healer (and fellow light worker - this is how she likes to refer to me...sweet), or maybe my time of intense grieving simply passed and all i had to do was sit with it whilst it was happening...not fight it, not resist it but sit with it, feel it and try my best to keep going...
and i did! and so as i type this, i feel not only pleased i've had 2 consecutive good days but i feel very proud of myself for just sitting with it...and in all that time i only had 1 day off work....sure i became a wee bit reclusive, but no more!
so, had a very interesting few nights chatting with FC - i reckon he's not doing as well as i am now, he is finally showing a bit of compassion, and i've finally told him i'm not waiting for him...sure, i haven't given up hope, but i am categorically not waiting for him...i'd like him to be ready and to come back, but in the meantime i'm going to get back into my life, do the things i love, spend time with my friends and family, have weekends away, prepare for my trip, flirt with a man at work who makes me feel good (but it will stay at the flirting stage and move NO further - not going down that path again, although he has suggested he might 'drop into nyc' whilst i'm there - interesting!), exercise, eat well, get back into writing that novel which is only 18,000 words shy of being finished and generally just not wait for him...and i haven't been doing that consciously, but i think on some sub conscious level perhaps i was...
and in a move that took even me by surprise i made a phone call today that i probably should have made ages ago...let's see where that takes me!
so peeps, if you've been struggling or have been having a difficult time, please know that plenty of people care about you, that support and help is there if you look for it and my hope is that you feel better really really soon...
nite xx
see, spring is not far off here in Sydney, and in fact, based on the last few days, it feels like it may well have come early...and i am extremely grateful for that! spring is, like autumn, one of my favourite seasons...
there's nothing like the days getting slowly ever longer, the mornings slightly less crisp, brilliant sunshine streaming through my east facing bedroom window, and just generally, things start to seem easier...maybe it's because nature is at it's most beautiful in spring, or maybe because everyone is starting to shed the layers they put on over winter, to reveal who they really are, or maybe it's just me? anyway, i love spring...
i love the sense of new beginnings, of fresh starts...i long for the beginning of daylight savings when the days start to get longer, the sun shines into the evening, the morning sun makes it's appearance a wee bit earlier every day, when coming home from work no longer takes place in the dark....and this year, more than any other year in recent memory, a new beginning is definitely what i need....
and you know it hasn't been the best few months for me, so it's with absolute delight that i can report that i have had 2 consecutive days of feeling happy....hmmm, really hope this is here to stay and that the old Sarah is making a come back...
it feels like i've been hibernating for months, trying to get over the hurt of what happened with FC, attempting to move on even though i am confronted with him almost every day and i'm pretty sure the last 5 weeks can be described as rock bottom...and sure i've gone through a break up before, sure the hopes and dreams i had with someone have been dashed, but it has never seemed quite so difficult...
not sure if that's because he was/is at work, or if it's because during this time i also had some doubts about work or because literally, i've just had to deal with more than my share of grief in last few years and it finally caught up with me? or maybe it's because i had i think, my first real existential crisis - didn't feel that good i can tell you!
so monday i went to gp, after less than 5 minutes she offered me anti depressants and by the time i left i was so angry with her i think i had made up my mind not to even consider taking them...and then rest of day was pretty ordinary, then something shifted on monday evening - perhaps the chat with Bec, my crystal healer (and fellow light worker - this is how she likes to refer to me...sweet), or maybe my time of intense grieving simply passed and all i had to do was sit with it whilst it was happening...not fight it, not resist it but sit with it, feel it and try my best to keep going...
and i did! and so as i type this, i feel not only pleased i've had 2 consecutive good days but i feel very proud of myself for just sitting with it...and in all that time i only had 1 day off work....sure i became a wee bit reclusive, but no more!
so, had a very interesting few nights chatting with FC - i reckon he's not doing as well as i am now, he is finally showing a bit of compassion, and i've finally told him i'm not waiting for him...sure, i haven't given up hope, but i am categorically not waiting for him...i'd like him to be ready and to come back, but in the meantime i'm going to get back into my life, do the things i love, spend time with my friends and family, have weekends away, prepare for my trip, flirt with a man at work who makes me feel good (but it will stay at the flirting stage and move NO further - not going down that path again, although he has suggested he might 'drop into nyc' whilst i'm there - interesting!), exercise, eat well, get back into writing that novel which is only 18,000 words shy of being finished and generally just not wait for him...and i haven't been doing that consciously, but i think on some sub conscious level perhaps i was...
and in a move that took even me by surprise i made a phone call today that i probably should have made ages ago...let's see where that takes me!
so peeps, if you've been struggling or have been having a difficult time, please know that plenty of people care about you, that support and help is there if you look for it and my hope is that you feel better really really soon...
nite xx
Monday, August 13, 2012
veneer...
so last week, the night i blurted out how i was feeling to FC (yep, shouldn't have) he made an interesting comment about always having been able to see through my veneer...
and you know what? i don't think that could be further from the truth actually...coz honestly, if he was someone who was able to be in touch with the emotions of someone else, and really could see through my veneer, then surely he wouldn't have so casually said that he thinks i'm ok....
nope, i am far from ok...
i have had, without question, one of the most difficult 4 or 5 weeks in living memory...i am struggling so badly at times that i wonder how i will keep it all together, i have felt largely disinterested in just about every aspect of my life, finding it very difficult to be enthused about anything and i have cried more in the last 4 weeks than i think i have cried in my whole life, and that is saying something, coz whilst i am not a cry baby, i do cry at the drop of a hat - so many things move me and so crying just seems to come naturally to me...funny coz as a child i was discouraged from crying or showing any emotion - no wonder now that i have finally become comfortable with it (in the privacy of my own home and some people who i trust implicitly)...
and he thinks, because he can 'see through my veneer' that i'm fine...! ha, this should be one more nail in the FC coffin...seriously, and i know that he doesn't really have the sort of emotional intelligence that i would want in a partner, but really? he thinks he can see through it? who is he kidding....funny coz as i sit here and type this i realise that sure i'd like someone in my life, but maybe just maybe i am coming around to the thought that it just isn't him....?
anyway, the coffin - you know the coffin where i am trying to put all of my hopes and dreams (well, the ones i had about him anyway)...and eventually i guess i'll bury it in the ground or burn it - both are rather appealing although the cremation (funny, coz i am so opposed to cremation usually) is way more appealing and of course, has a sense of permanence about it...perhaps i should mentally create such a picture...
and into the coffin not only go the hopes and dreams, but the delusions of a sad 43 year old who really isn't where she wants to be in her life and hoped that he might rescue her...hmmm, very courageous of me to write that publicly in my blog where others will read it...but it's true. and i don't think i need rescuing, other than from my at times very destructive and negative beliefs, which frankly, are a big part of why i currently feel sad...
beliefs that are just not working to help me, and seem to be holding me back, but worse, allow me to think that someone who isn't suitable for me is someone who could make it all better? but no...i think it's time...
time to really think through these beliefs....things like:
- can't be happy without a partner
- can't be successful without a partner
yep true, and it's not like i haven't held these beliefs for years, but seems, since FC and i split (or should I say, since he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship coz i don't feel like i had much say in that decision) well these are the sorts of thoughts that have really made me a) feel like i should work overtime to try and convince him to stay and give it another go and b) generally made me feel like a complete and utter failure...
kinda sad really...so, i think i agree with Sal - this is less about depression and more about some possible adrenal burnout and some maladaptive thinking....
hmmm lots for me to think about and a good friend of mine recently had a very positive experience at the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) centre in Sydney, so i'm going to call them tomorrow...
i'm going to resist medication until it's the last resort! and funny, as i type this and think about a hot shower then bed, i feel good - not jump for joy happy, not exactly where i want to be happy, but ok and happier than i've felt all day....
so perhaps i just need to sit this phase through - feel the grief, notice the negative thoughts, support myself in whatever way possible, but i can tell you, i am soooo not keen to do the medication thing - not only do i not want to become numb, but i also don't want ANY of the possible side effects, sooo another option has to be identified...
and that's just me - i am supportive of anyone else's decision in the same way i hope people are supportive about mine....
anyway, i've rabbited on enough....thank goodness for my blog! it helps me sift through my thoughts, helps me remember where i've been and where i've come from, allows me to say stuff 'out loud' that i might not otherwise say and sometimes, it brings about an amazing epiphany....
not always, and that's not really the point, but as with everything, sometimes there are amazing benefits that we just don't expect!
so peeps, to everyone who's taking a read, thanks for dropping by and wishing you all a fabulous day, wherever you are in the world, and wherever you are in your life...xx
and you know what? i don't think that could be further from the truth actually...coz honestly, if he was someone who was able to be in touch with the emotions of someone else, and really could see through my veneer, then surely he wouldn't have so casually said that he thinks i'm ok....
nope, i am far from ok...
i have had, without question, one of the most difficult 4 or 5 weeks in living memory...i am struggling so badly at times that i wonder how i will keep it all together, i have felt largely disinterested in just about every aspect of my life, finding it very difficult to be enthused about anything and i have cried more in the last 4 weeks than i think i have cried in my whole life, and that is saying something, coz whilst i am not a cry baby, i do cry at the drop of a hat - so many things move me and so crying just seems to come naturally to me...funny coz as a child i was discouraged from crying or showing any emotion - no wonder now that i have finally become comfortable with it (in the privacy of my own home and some people who i trust implicitly)...
and he thinks, because he can 'see through my veneer' that i'm fine...! ha, this should be one more nail in the FC coffin...seriously, and i know that he doesn't really have the sort of emotional intelligence that i would want in a partner, but really? he thinks he can see through it? who is he kidding....funny coz as i sit here and type this i realise that sure i'd like someone in my life, but maybe just maybe i am coming around to the thought that it just isn't him....?
anyway, the coffin - you know the coffin where i am trying to put all of my hopes and dreams (well, the ones i had about him anyway)...and eventually i guess i'll bury it in the ground or burn it - both are rather appealing although the cremation (funny, coz i am so opposed to cremation usually) is way more appealing and of course, has a sense of permanence about it...perhaps i should mentally create such a picture...
and into the coffin not only go the hopes and dreams, but the delusions of a sad 43 year old who really isn't where she wants to be in her life and hoped that he might rescue her...hmmm, very courageous of me to write that publicly in my blog where others will read it...but it's true. and i don't think i need rescuing, other than from my at times very destructive and negative beliefs, which frankly, are a big part of why i currently feel sad...
beliefs that are just not working to help me, and seem to be holding me back, but worse, allow me to think that someone who isn't suitable for me is someone who could make it all better? but no...i think it's time...
time to really think through these beliefs....things like:
- can't be happy without a partner
- can't be successful without a partner
yep true, and it's not like i haven't held these beliefs for years, but seems, since FC and i split (or should I say, since he decided he didn't want to be in a relationship coz i don't feel like i had much say in that decision) well these are the sorts of thoughts that have really made me a) feel like i should work overtime to try and convince him to stay and give it another go and b) generally made me feel like a complete and utter failure...
kinda sad really...so, i think i agree with Sal - this is less about depression and more about some possible adrenal burnout and some maladaptive thinking....
hmmm lots for me to think about and a good friend of mine recently had a very positive experience at the CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) centre in Sydney, so i'm going to call them tomorrow...
i'm going to resist medication until it's the last resort! and funny, as i type this and think about a hot shower then bed, i feel good - not jump for joy happy, not exactly where i want to be happy, but ok and happier than i've felt all day....
so perhaps i just need to sit this phase through - feel the grief, notice the negative thoughts, support myself in whatever way possible, but i can tell you, i am soooo not keen to do the medication thing - not only do i not want to become numb, but i also don't want ANY of the possible side effects, sooo another option has to be identified...
and that's just me - i am supportive of anyone else's decision in the same way i hope people are supportive about mine....
anyway, i've rabbited on enough....thank goodness for my blog! it helps me sift through my thoughts, helps me remember where i've been and where i've come from, allows me to say stuff 'out loud' that i might not otherwise say and sometimes, it brings about an amazing epiphany....
not always, and that's not really the point, but as with everything, sometimes there are amazing benefits that we just don't expect!
so peeps, to everyone who's taking a read, thanks for dropping by and wishing you all a fabulous day, wherever you are in the world, and wherever you are in your life...xx
Sunday, August 12, 2012
hopeful....
is really how i'd like to start this next week....
hopeful that soon the black cloud that i seem to be walking under, lifts and becomes grey (at least initially) and then suddenly is blown away entirely and replaced with only brilliant and warm sunlight...
hopeful that the hope that i have that my mr right will turn up, wasn't a momentary passing feeling, and that, as each day passes, that hope will grow and eventually i will believe that i am worth it...
hope that eventually the pain of the ending of things with FC will pass, and in time i will be able to either be friends with him or look back and just chalk it up to experience..and yes, it's definitely been an experience - learned a lot, hurt a lot but the KEY message from all of this (which my good friend Leah pointed out to me again this week) was that being with FC made me realise that i am ready to be with someone...and sure that might sound kinda silly, but before him, I actually wasn't sure i was ready...
well, no more! i am definitely ready...so universe if you are listening, then i am ready...ready to meet a man who will be my mr right, and who's miss right i'll be to him....someone who will be ready for the sort of relationship i want, ready to share his life with me, emotionally and actually available, intelligent, caring, compassionate, kind, passionate, successful, thoughtful, loving, funny, and generally think i am fabulous...
yes universe, i am ready, and sure, possibly i haven't had my eyes open - but i promise to try and look forward not back....
so, hopeful is how i'd like to start this week
happy week ahead peeps x
hopeful that soon the black cloud that i seem to be walking under, lifts and becomes grey (at least initially) and then suddenly is blown away entirely and replaced with only brilliant and warm sunlight...
hopeful that the hope that i have that my mr right will turn up, wasn't a momentary passing feeling, and that, as each day passes, that hope will grow and eventually i will believe that i am worth it...
hope that eventually the pain of the ending of things with FC will pass, and in time i will be able to either be friends with him or look back and just chalk it up to experience..and yes, it's definitely been an experience - learned a lot, hurt a lot but the KEY message from all of this (which my good friend Leah pointed out to me again this week) was that being with FC made me realise that i am ready to be with someone...and sure that might sound kinda silly, but before him, I actually wasn't sure i was ready...
well, no more! i am definitely ready...so universe if you are listening, then i am ready...ready to meet a man who will be my mr right, and who's miss right i'll be to him....someone who will be ready for the sort of relationship i want, ready to share his life with me, emotionally and actually available, intelligent, caring, compassionate, kind, passionate, successful, thoughtful, loving, funny, and generally think i am fabulous...
yes universe, i am ready, and sure, possibly i haven't had my eyes open - but i promise to try and look forward not back....
so, hopeful is how i'd like to start this week
happy week ahead peeps x
why is it always me that
feels like i've been left behind? seems that after every relationship i've had, the guy moves on and finds someone else and i'm left behind...and i hate it...i hate it so much that today, in the shops i found myself wanting to cry every single time i saw a couple...not very easy to get thru the day when you feel like this?
why is it that people i think aren't very nice seem to be in relationships, whereas i find it difficult to meet people? and sure, i'm not really willing to compromise on what i want, even though in my darkest hours of loneliness i think maybe i would, just to say i have someone in my life, but even now, on a day that hasn't been overly good, i know that ain't true...
sure, i'd love someone to share my life with, but it has to be the right someone...i have never felt more alone than i did at the end of my relationship with Ben, when things weren't good, when neither of us was happy, but i was clinging on because i really thought that was better than the alternative of being 41 and single...
and sure, breaking up with him was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, but in time, it was good...it was a good decision...being with him meant moving away from myself, it meant losing myself, it meant not going after what i wanted, and that is not what i want in a relationship....
and even though FC was a dramatic improvement on Ben, there were/are still some fundamentals missing....and this was no more obvious than a couple of Sunday's ago where he showed little or no enthusiasm when i shared with him my nephews news (they won their first game of the year when he was captain) and nor did i feel even remotely inclined to share with him something that brought me so much joy the day before...
yep, can't see myself being with someone i can't even share this sort of stuff with..
so as i sit here and make my way through Awake (courtesy of FC), i am feeling a bit better...i had a cry on the phone to my Mum (seems every time i cry i do feel better - so perhaps i should just do a bit more crying!), i've cooked the first healthy dinner in an AGE, and now i'm going to settle in for more Awake and a cup of tea...
so sure, i do feel like i get left behind, but maybe that's because i won't compromise on those things that are really important to me...already being with FC felt like a compromise, as from the get go i didn't think him capable of really supporting me in my dreams and he smokes a pack a day - yes folks, i let a smoker in...usually this is a show stopper, so wonder what that tells me...yes, maybe i'm getting less judgmental, or maybe i was just caught up in having someone show an interest in me when it had been a while?
hmmm, food for thought!
nite peeps
xx
why is it that people i think aren't very nice seem to be in relationships, whereas i find it difficult to meet people? and sure, i'm not really willing to compromise on what i want, even though in my darkest hours of loneliness i think maybe i would, just to say i have someone in my life, but even now, on a day that hasn't been overly good, i know that ain't true...
sure, i'd love someone to share my life with, but it has to be the right someone...i have never felt more alone than i did at the end of my relationship with Ben, when things weren't good, when neither of us was happy, but i was clinging on because i really thought that was better than the alternative of being 41 and single...
and sure, breaking up with him was one of the hardest things i have ever had to do, but in time, it was good...it was a good decision...being with him meant moving away from myself, it meant losing myself, it meant not going after what i wanted, and that is not what i want in a relationship....
and even though FC was a dramatic improvement on Ben, there were/are still some fundamentals missing....and this was no more obvious than a couple of Sunday's ago where he showed little or no enthusiasm when i shared with him my nephews news (they won their first game of the year when he was captain) and nor did i feel even remotely inclined to share with him something that brought me so much joy the day before...
yep, can't see myself being with someone i can't even share this sort of stuff with..
so as i sit here and make my way through Awake (courtesy of FC), i am feeling a bit better...i had a cry on the phone to my Mum (seems every time i cry i do feel better - so perhaps i should just do a bit more crying!), i've cooked the first healthy dinner in an AGE, and now i'm going to settle in for more Awake and a cup of tea...
so sure, i do feel like i get left behind, but maybe that's because i won't compromise on those things that are really important to me...already being with FC felt like a compromise, as from the get go i didn't think him capable of really supporting me in my dreams and he smokes a pack a day - yes folks, i let a smoker in...usually this is a show stopper, so wonder what that tells me...yes, maybe i'm getting less judgmental, or maybe i was just caught up in having someone show an interest in me when it had been a while?
hmmm, food for thought!
nite peeps
xx
awake
loving Awake, pity they only made one season - how is that possible? it's fucking fantastic...
anyway, the main character just said to his therapist 'explain to me exactly what's so great about seeing reality for what it is'....
he's so so so right! and maybe that's what's going on for me right now - the 'reality' of my life isn't as good as the fantasy i've created in my head or my dreams for how i'd like it to be...yep, i'm pretty sure this is an existential crisis....
not liking it, but no doubt as time passes and i look back on this time, i'll realise why i had to go through it...
on another note, i told my parents about what's going on for me right now....not easy, but had to be done! big sigh of relief....
so back to Awake, maybe this is why sometimes i find myself wanting to sleep which is basically my way of running away from the pain...ironically i can't sleep without sleeping tablets right now...
anyway, amazing show - never really seen anything with Jason Isaacs in it, but he's great - great show, great concept, why did they stop making it?
that's it for now...
anyway, the main character just said to his therapist 'explain to me exactly what's so great about seeing reality for what it is'....
he's so so so right! and maybe that's what's going on for me right now - the 'reality' of my life isn't as good as the fantasy i've created in my head or my dreams for how i'd like it to be...yep, i'm pretty sure this is an existential crisis....
not liking it, but no doubt as time passes and i look back on this time, i'll realise why i had to go through it...
on another note, i told my parents about what's going on for me right now....not easy, but had to be done! big sigh of relief....
so back to Awake, maybe this is why sometimes i find myself wanting to sleep which is basically my way of running away from the pain...ironically i can't sleep without sleeping tablets right now...
anyway, amazing show - never really seen anything with Jason Isaacs in it, but he's great - great show, great concept, why did they stop making it?
that's it for now...
stuck....
is how i feel
stuck in this unhappy place where i really am over being single
stuck on FC, even though there are times (when i'm thinking rationally) that in all honesty i doubt we could make a relationship work...well, not we so much as him: i'm certain i would try and be present, but if history is anything to go by, well, he would let himself go and then immediately retreat...and then there's the drinking, the smoking, and the lack of communication/emotional intelligence at times
and yet....
and yet i am sad, i miss him, or maybe the idea of someone and he's just in the frame, i miss hanging out with him, i miss cooking for/with him, i miss the thought of what might be, and mostly i miss having someone pay attention to me....
and not like he ever really made me feel special (mental note to remember this when i'm feeling sad, coz surely someone you wanna be with should make you feel special, just like you would do for them?), and i often found myself wondering if he really liked me (truth is, until we broke up, i never really knew how he felt about me - he seemed incapable of really being able to own how he felt although he was clear he didn't want a serious relationship)...
and not like things ever really got off the ground, but i am stuck, i am lonely, i can't seem to get him out of my head, i find myself daydreaming about him turning up at mine to tell me that he wants to give it a try, or better, that he'll turn up in NYC and tell me he can't be without me....
nah, neither of those things are likely and yet i still find myself wishing they may eventuate...
and why? yes, this is a question i have repeatedly asked myself in the last 8 weeks (today marks 8 weeks since the 'seems we are in a relationship and i don't want to be' conversation)....
i had a healing session with Bec last night and she said that he sees (in his mind) falling for me as something akin to death (not actual death) because he is attracted to me on many levels and so he is afraid of falling for me and then me abandoning him (hmmm, wonder if this is what happened with the last girlfriend?)....she also said that she's pretty sure he isn't yet healed and isn't doing anything to move forward...which means, that even though i wish it could be so, it just wouldn't be right....
but still i'm sad, and i miss him, and i want it to be....wonder when that's gonna change? soon i hope coz i am over feeling stuck...
and then there's the work issue, and i don't just mean with him being there (although he is looking around for other work - this is good and bad)....no, i mean the issue that the work i am doing, whilst enjoyable, is not really exactly what i want to be doing...
hence last night's post about an existential crisis - yep, sadly i think i am smack bang in the middle of one, and it feels pretty ordinary....
anyway, just venting, and as i have a quiet 'me' day there'll probably be more of that!
thanks for dropping by
stuck in this unhappy place where i really am over being single
stuck on FC, even though there are times (when i'm thinking rationally) that in all honesty i doubt we could make a relationship work...well, not we so much as him: i'm certain i would try and be present, but if history is anything to go by, well, he would let himself go and then immediately retreat...and then there's the drinking, the smoking, and the lack of communication/emotional intelligence at times
and yet....
and yet i am sad, i miss him, or maybe the idea of someone and he's just in the frame, i miss hanging out with him, i miss cooking for/with him, i miss the thought of what might be, and mostly i miss having someone pay attention to me....
and not like he ever really made me feel special (mental note to remember this when i'm feeling sad, coz surely someone you wanna be with should make you feel special, just like you would do for them?), and i often found myself wondering if he really liked me (truth is, until we broke up, i never really knew how he felt about me - he seemed incapable of really being able to own how he felt although he was clear he didn't want a serious relationship)...
and not like things ever really got off the ground, but i am stuck, i am lonely, i can't seem to get him out of my head, i find myself daydreaming about him turning up at mine to tell me that he wants to give it a try, or better, that he'll turn up in NYC and tell me he can't be without me....
nah, neither of those things are likely and yet i still find myself wishing they may eventuate...
and why? yes, this is a question i have repeatedly asked myself in the last 8 weeks (today marks 8 weeks since the 'seems we are in a relationship and i don't want to be' conversation)....
i had a healing session with Bec last night and she said that he sees (in his mind) falling for me as something akin to death (not actual death) because he is attracted to me on many levels and so he is afraid of falling for me and then me abandoning him (hmmm, wonder if this is what happened with the last girlfriend?)....she also said that she's pretty sure he isn't yet healed and isn't doing anything to move forward...which means, that even though i wish it could be so, it just wouldn't be right....
but still i'm sad, and i miss him, and i want it to be....wonder when that's gonna change? soon i hope coz i am over feeling stuck...
and then there's the work issue, and i don't just mean with him being there (although he is looking around for other work - this is good and bad)....no, i mean the issue that the work i am doing, whilst enjoyable, is not really exactly what i want to be doing...
hence last night's post about an existential crisis - yep, sadly i think i am smack bang in the middle of one, and it feels pretty ordinary....
anyway, just venting, and as i have a quiet 'me' day there'll probably be more of that!
thanks for dropping by
oops....
think i could be in for a red light camera fine...so i go home a different way tonight and as i turn into Warringah Rd, light is green, but suddenly traffic in front of me slows down, i'm half way thru intersetion, light goes orange, then red, and then i see a lovely little flash...which i can only assume is a red light camera going off!
fuck
not really what i wanted tonight, nearly made me cry but i managed to hold it all together - seems such a fine is likely to cost me $324 and 3 demerit points, but in my frantic research once home i noticed that to lose ones license you need to lose 13 points, so after this, if i'm right, if i get a fine then i'll be at 9....
best be on my very best behaviour then, and not like i haven't been since October speeding fine...sure i went thru a red light, but it wasn't exactly my fault...
oh well!
fuck
not really what i wanted tonight, nearly made me cry but i managed to hold it all together - seems such a fine is likely to cost me $324 and 3 demerit points, but in my frantic research once home i noticed that to lose ones license you need to lose 13 points, so after this, if i'm right, if i get a fine then i'll be at 9....
best be on my very best behaviour then, and not like i haven't been since October speeding fine...sure i went thru a red light, but it wasn't exactly my fault...
oh well!
grief, depression or am i in the
midst of an existential crisis?
yes, so despite the handful of friends suggesting i may be suffering from some sort of depression (which isn't uncommon, it's estimated that most adults will, at some point in their life experience depression), i'm not so sure...
and not because i feel much much better, i don't....but because i have lived with someone who suffered from depression and i'm pretty sure what i am experiencing is nothing like what he experienced...and sure everyone doesn't experience it the same way, but still....
and finally, after a 3 week break, my therapist is back - i was a bit anxious about mentioning to her the 'views' of said friends, because she is not in favour of labels, and 'depressions' is certainly, one hell of a label....
so we talked about it, and whilst she said she would support me no matter what (i already knew this), she thinks that what is going on is this:
- continuing sadness, grief (which has been going on for years, on many many levels, the latest of which is the stuff with FC), and then, which is what i realised this morning, i'm having something of an existential crisis....
meaning, my life just isn't what i want it to be right now - on many fronts, and i'm sad, and lost and wondering who the hell i am? who is Sarah? what does she stand for? where does her meaning emanate from?
yep, sadly, right now, these are not questions that i have the answers for...
so sure i made an appointment to see my GP on Monday, but i think that maybe, time is going to be the answer....and it's not like i will put up with the way i feel for an indefinite amount of time, it's already been a month or so and it's not easy to do 'life' when one day i feel good and the next inconsolable, but i'm going to just see how it goes.....
i can't ever remember a time in my life when i felt like this, and it's not like i haven't grieved before, nor been sad, nor had an existential crisis, but i don't remember having all 3 happen at the same time...it would seem that FC and what happened with FC, has opened up the proverbial can of worms in relation to my life and where i am and what i thought might be with him, and now isn't...on top of which it's almost impossible to grieve for someone when you see them 5 days a week...
anyway, it's true, i'm in the midst of an existential crisis and i'm not really sure what to do about that....
hmmm
anyway, it's now technically tomorrow (meaning i started writing this on saturday night and it's now sunday morning)...so, i will say goodnight, or perhaps i should say good morning!
nite x
yes, so despite the handful of friends suggesting i may be suffering from some sort of depression (which isn't uncommon, it's estimated that most adults will, at some point in their life experience depression), i'm not so sure...
and not because i feel much much better, i don't....but because i have lived with someone who suffered from depression and i'm pretty sure what i am experiencing is nothing like what he experienced...and sure everyone doesn't experience it the same way, but still....
and finally, after a 3 week break, my therapist is back - i was a bit anxious about mentioning to her the 'views' of said friends, because she is not in favour of labels, and 'depressions' is certainly, one hell of a label....
so we talked about it, and whilst she said she would support me no matter what (i already knew this), she thinks that what is going on is this:
- continuing sadness, grief (which has been going on for years, on many many levels, the latest of which is the stuff with FC), and then, which is what i realised this morning, i'm having something of an existential crisis....
meaning, my life just isn't what i want it to be right now - on many fronts, and i'm sad, and lost and wondering who the hell i am? who is Sarah? what does she stand for? where does her meaning emanate from?
yep, sadly, right now, these are not questions that i have the answers for...
so sure i made an appointment to see my GP on Monday, but i think that maybe, time is going to be the answer....and it's not like i will put up with the way i feel for an indefinite amount of time, it's already been a month or so and it's not easy to do 'life' when one day i feel good and the next inconsolable, but i'm going to just see how it goes.....
i can't ever remember a time in my life when i felt like this, and it's not like i haven't grieved before, nor been sad, nor had an existential crisis, but i don't remember having all 3 happen at the same time...it would seem that FC and what happened with FC, has opened up the proverbial can of worms in relation to my life and where i am and what i thought might be with him, and now isn't...on top of which it's almost impossible to grieve for someone when you see them 5 days a week...
anyway, it's true, i'm in the midst of an existential crisis and i'm not really sure what to do about that....
hmmm
anyway, it's now technically tomorrow (meaning i started writing this on saturday night and it's now sunday morning)...so, i will say goodnight, or perhaps i should say good morning!
nite x
Thursday, August 9, 2012
really need to
stop reaching out to him when I feel sad....
not like he's overly sympathetic, nor is it a good idea to start up the texting with him and it seems to have happened at least twice in last week.....
hmmmm
nope, gotta find me a new coping strategy!!
nite x
not like he's overly sympathetic, nor is it a good idea to start up the texting with him and it seems to have happened at least twice in last week.....
hmmmm
nope, gotta find me a new coping strategy!!
nite x
oh dear....
so the last few days haven't exactly been good...
bloody busy at work, although that's a good thing
but sad sad sad, and not consistently and seemingly, not with any trigger at times...but i find myself wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, or feel suddenly overwhelmingly sad...
and i can't work out if it's all about FC (i really don't want to call him FC anymore...), or whether it's because i'm tired and not overly well (the headache saga continues) or whether i am just going through a phase where i am just not happy with my lot in life?
or maybe, and i hesitate to say this, maybe i am experiencing depression....and this isn't the first time i've considered that, and a number of my nearest and dearest have in fact mentioned to me that i just don't seem myself and have i seen the doctor etc etc? and maybe they are right...
but you know, i'm resisting it - of course...and not because i'm ashamed if it is true - on the contrary...i trained to become a therapist so that i could help people and i have always had, especially since my ex ex suffered from depression, a healthy regard and empathy for sufferers of mental illness...but to think i might be going through it, well, i'm not coping that well with it...and that's just me being honest...
but anyway, i really have put up with this for long enough and so monday i am going to the gp and i am going to talk to her about what's been going on....
i have been through relationship break ups before, and way worse ones than this, and i just can't seem to move forward for a solid period of time...not like FC was that special, and don't get me wrong coz i like him such a lot...only highlighted by the amount of time we are spending at work together right now....
anyway, i did something tonight i'm not sure i should have....
so this morning, in the midst of a virtual teary at work (meaning i didn't actually have one but i felt like i should have)...i started to write him an email - unsure why i wanted to tell him i wasn't coping, guess it's because at one point he told me things would have gotten ugly if we'd gone any further down the relationship path but to me, it's pretty ugly right now....
anyway, after a very long day in the office i sent him a text telling him i wasn't coping...OMFG! he is so not the sort of person who would a) really get this or b) that i think i should have told....no doubt in doing so i've given away some of my power to him, but you know what? even though he has, in typical FC fashion dropped out of said conversation (or gone to sleep...) i feel better that i got it off my chest...
and even though i know there are things that wouldn't work, didn't work actually, fact is i like him and i'm done with pretending i don't....i do. i think he's smart, and i have a new found respect for him since his colleague's been away and he's been doing 2 jobs....he seems more attractive to me right now, and of course that's probably just because i can't have him, or have what i want, and i do like to get what i want...although in relationship, i rarely feel like i do, so i shouldn't really be surprised - disappointed yes, but not surprised...
anyway, not sure i should have been quite so honest and vulnerable tonight...so, as the title says 'oh dear'...
anyway, i'm tired, have a big day ahead and really need a good nights sleep, so au revoir readers and hope to see you back soon
have a great friday y'all
nite xx
bloody busy at work, although that's a good thing
but sad sad sad, and not consistently and seemingly, not with any trigger at times...but i find myself wanting to cry at the drop of a hat, or feel suddenly overwhelmingly sad...
and i can't work out if it's all about FC (i really don't want to call him FC anymore...), or whether it's because i'm tired and not overly well (the headache saga continues) or whether i am just going through a phase where i am just not happy with my lot in life?
or maybe, and i hesitate to say this, maybe i am experiencing depression....and this isn't the first time i've considered that, and a number of my nearest and dearest have in fact mentioned to me that i just don't seem myself and have i seen the doctor etc etc? and maybe they are right...
but you know, i'm resisting it - of course...and not because i'm ashamed if it is true - on the contrary...i trained to become a therapist so that i could help people and i have always had, especially since my ex ex suffered from depression, a healthy regard and empathy for sufferers of mental illness...but to think i might be going through it, well, i'm not coping that well with it...and that's just me being honest...
but anyway, i really have put up with this for long enough and so monday i am going to the gp and i am going to talk to her about what's been going on....
i have been through relationship break ups before, and way worse ones than this, and i just can't seem to move forward for a solid period of time...not like FC was that special, and don't get me wrong coz i like him such a lot...only highlighted by the amount of time we are spending at work together right now....
anyway, i did something tonight i'm not sure i should have....
so this morning, in the midst of a virtual teary at work (meaning i didn't actually have one but i felt like i should have)...i started to write him an email - unsure why i wanted to tell him i wasn't coping, guess it's because at one point he told me things would have gotten ugly if we'd gone any further down the relationship path but to me, it's pretty ugly right now....
anyway, after a very long day in the office i sent him a text telling him i wasn't coping...OMFG! he is so not the sort of person who would a) really get this or b) that i think i should have told....no doubt in doing so i've given away some of my power to him, but you know what? even though he has, in typical FC fashion dropped out of said conversation (or gone to sleep...) i feel better that i got it off my chest...
and even though i know there are things that wouldn't work, didn't work actually, fact is i like him and i'm done with pretending i don't....i do. i think he's smart, and i have a new found respect for him since his colleague's been away and he's been doing 2 jobs....he seems more attractive to me right now, and of course that's probably just because i can't have him, or have what i want, and i do like to get what i want...although in relationship, i rarely feel like i do, so i shouldn't really be surprised - disappointed yes, but not surprised...
anyway, not sure i should have been quite so honest and vulnerable tonight...so, as the title says 'oh dear'...
anyway, i'm tired, have a big day ahead and really need a good nights sleep, so au revoir readers and hope to see you back soon
have a great friday y'all
nite xx
Monday, August 6, 2012
plenty to think about....
yep, it seems that the last few days have provided plenty for me to think about...at least 3 friends who think i might actually be suffering from depression, a visit to my lovely coach who suffered a stroke last year, mainly..seems things might really be over between FC and I, an MRI to see what's causing the now seemingly permanent headache, visit to my sister and the babies in Melbs, and the first weekend in AGES where FC hasn't featured at all....
so let's start with my health: not great it would seem, the headache continues, so finally gave in and saw Dr Ron last week, had MRI last Tuesday (FC kind enough to come with...his idea), got results this morning and turns out there are some abnormalities in the white matter which require further investigation...hmmm, not happy Jan!
seems the last few weeks have been something of a challenge emotionally and whilst i thought i was starting to move forward and put FC out of my mind, well, that hasn't exactly happened....although there is now very little non work related contact (and whilst i am grieving this and feeling sad about it) perhaps it's for the best? so whilst some of my nearest and dearest think i could be suffering from some sort of depression, i am wondering if this is just another 'goodbye' for me as it relates to FC...see, we have, or maybe he has, until last week, found any number of reasons to see each other, and that now seems to have stopped...which on one hand is probably good, but on another makes me feel as though he has now just categorised me as 'someone he used to sort of date' or worse, 'just some girl i work with'....and to me, he meant so much more than that (for a while anyway) and i guess i just don't like the harsh cold reality that actually, i probably mean NOTHING at all to him....
i still wish that he would leave, and not because i don't like him or don't want to work with him, on the contrary, i think it would be a much better experience for me if he wasn't at work, if i didn't have to be confronted by him, and what he is now not to me, every bloody day...yes yes i know! really should have given that WAY more thought at the get go....
one of the BIG realisations of the last few days though, has been that, even though i think a lot of my mood is related to him, i'm not sure that is true...what i am actually missing is the idea of having someone to share my life with - for a nano second he seemed like he might be that person, having him interested in me, hanging out together, the attention, i loved all of that and it just reminded me how much i DO want to share my life with someone, and i guess, that i am ready....what a shame i let someone who is so very far from ready in, and sure i didn't let him totally into my heart, but truth is, for a coupla weeks there (the weeks when he was pursuing me relentlessly), well i had started to think i could really fall for him......so sure, he didn't completely and utterly break my heart, but he did hurt me and badly....and i don't want to look back and regret anything i did, or anything we did, but when i reflect on how hurt i was and how much hope has subsequently been 'dashed' by our short lived relationship, it's hard not to think that it would have been easier to have not gone down that path....
and yet, i did! and i did learn a lot, but mostly, as Leah said, it let me know that i really am ready to be with someone...and not someone who isn't right for me (which really, despite her describing FC as a nice bloke, even though she hasn't met him, is not FC).....bloody hard way to learn that you are ready, but as with all lessons, i usually believe that we only get what we can deal with...hmmm not convinced, i guess time will tell!
melbs with the fam was nice - was lovely to see my sis, we really don't see enough of each other....kids were good except Dan had flu (yes, the actual flu...) poor little mite, but we had a nice time hanging out all the same...did a bit of retail therapy with the sister - always good!
and for the first time in weeks i decided to play tennis tonight - and sure i still have a headache, and sure the last time i exercised i got a migraine, but i just need to get back into a healthier routine - the moping around grieving the end of things with FC is no longer working for me - everything is feeling a wee bit tighter (eek) and since i am worried that i am looking old (the headache and sore eyes is certainly not assisting my usually youthful appearance - not to mention it's fucking with my confidence), i need to do something to assist with my body image....so exercise is it
and of course, the other massive benefit of exercise is the regular hit of endorphins - can't do me any harm at all! and as the days get slightly warmer should bode well for long weekend walks with the odd bit of running thrown in....
so as i type this i feel good - although it's been an entirely up and down few days - thursday ok, friday shocking, saturday good, sunday not so good, monday so so and ended well...really should keep a diary so that when i do visit the GP next week, i have something useful to share with her...
ok, bed and the big c now
nite peeps, and to the 21 ppl who viewed my post of 1 August, thank you! great to have you drop by...
ps oh, and in other news, i need to come clean: having had a little teary when i got home tonight (it's been a big day with medical news and all) i confess i sent FC a text telling him i missed hanging out with him on days like today....oops or just something i had to do? not sure!
so let's start with my health: not great it would seem, the headache continues, so finally gave in and saw Dr Ron last week, had MRI last Tuesday (FC kind enough to come with...his idea), got results this morning and turns out there are some abnormalities in the white matter which require further investigation...hmmm, not happy Jan!
seems the last few weeks have been something of a challenge emotionally and whilst i thought i was starting to move forward and put FC out of my mind, well, that hasn't exactly happened....although there is now very little non work related contact (and whilst i am grieving this and feeling sad about it) perhaps it's for the best? so whilst some of my nearest and dearest think i could be suffering from some sort of depression, i am wondering if this is just another 'goodbye' for me as it relates to FC...see, we have, or maybe he has, until last week, found any number of reasons to see each other, and that now seems to have stopped...which on one hand is probably good, but on another makes me feel as though he has now just categorised me as 'someone he used to sort of date' or worse, 'just some girl i work with'....and to me, he meant so much more than that (for a while anyway) and i guess i just don't like the harsh cold reality that actually, i probably mean NOTHING at all to him....
i still wish that he would leave, and not because i don't like him or don't want to work with him, on the contrary, i think it would be a much better experience for me if he wasn't at work, if i didn't have to be confronted by him, and what he is now not to me, every bloody day...yes yes i know! really should have given that WAY more thought at the get go....
one of the BIG realisations of the last few days though, has been that, even though i think a lot of my mood is related to him, i'm not sure that is true...what i am actually missing is the idea of having someone to share my life with - for a nano second he seemed like he might be that person, having him interested in me, hanging out together, the attention, i loved all of that and it just reminded me how much i DO want to share my life with someone, and i guess, that i am ready....what a shame i let someone who is so very far from ready in, and sure i didn't let him totally into my heart, but truth is, for a coupla weeks there (the weeks when he was pursuing me relentlessly), well i had started to think i could really fall for him......so sure, he didn't completely and utterly break my heart, but he did hurt me and badly....and i don't want to look back and regret anything i did, or anything we did, but when i reflect on how hurt i was and how much hope has subsequently been 'dashed' by our short lived relationship, it's hard not to think that it would have been easier to have not gone down that path....
and yet, i did! and i did learn a lot, but mostly, as Leah said, it let me know that i really am ready to be with someone...and not someone who isn't right for me (which really, despite her describing FC as a nice bloke, even though she hasn't met him, is not FC).....bloody hard way to learn that you are ready, but as with all lessons, i usually believe that we only get what we can deal with...hmmm not convinced, i guess time will tell!
melbs with the fam was nice - was lovely to see my sis, we really don't see enough of each other....kids were good except Dan had flu (yes, the actual flu...) poor little mite, but we had a nice time hanging out all the same...did a bit of retail therapy with the sister - always good!
and for the first time in weeks i decided to play tennis tonight - and sure i still have a headache, and sure the last time i exercised i got a migraine, but i just need to get back into a healthier routine - the moping around grieving the end of things with FC is no longer working for me - everything is feeling a wee bit tighter (eek) and since i am worried that i am looking old (the headache and sore eyes is certainly not assisting my usually youthful appearance - not to mention it's fucking with my confidence), i need to do something to assist with my body image....so exercise is it
and of course, the other massive benefit of exercise is the regular hit of endorphins - can't do me any harm at all! and as the days get slightly warmer should bode well for long weekend walks with the odd bit of running thrown in....
so as i type this i feel good - although it's been an entirely up and down few days - thursday ok, friday shocking, saturday good, sunday not so good, monday so so and ended well...really should keep a diary so that when i do visit the GP next week, i have something useful to share with her...
ok, bed and the big c now
nite peeps, and to the 21 ppl who viewed my post of 1 August, thank you! great to have you drop by...
ps oh, and in other news, i need to come clean: having had a little teary when i got home tonight (it's been a big day with medical news and all) i confess i sent FC a text telling him i missed hanging out with him on days like today....oops or just something i had to do? not sure!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
24 hours on
and it's not so much me who has withdrawn, but absolutely no contact from him at all - no emails (work or otherwise), no text (which given i wasn't at work today surprises me a little - especially when he knows i've been unwell?) and so it's left me feeling a little sad, disappointed and actually like he has cut me out of his life....
and of course, in many ways this isn't new - he constantly did this whilst we were 'in a relationship', he has certainly done it since the break up and has (in my view) attempted to control all contact to suit him and his need to be friends...despite the occasional mixed message, despite the wanting to see me....
so i am not entirely sure how i feel tonight? i had a good day, attended a course in town with one of my staff which was ok, could have been better, but despite that, was enjoyable, except, and yes, wait for it, it really highlighted to me just how far away i am right now from doing what i truly love...
yes, so it seems the coaching, the counselling, the helping people, the facilitation, the leadership stuff, yes, that is what i want to be doing - seems my current role, even though i love it and my place of work, well, it's not really helping me be closer to my purpose....or is it? perhaps, right now, it's exactly what i should be doing with my lif, well my career anyway, and in a few years time, when the mortgage is gone, when my financial situation is very secure, then i can follow my dream...again! not like i haven't done that already and i must say, i'm glad i did, coz i learned a stack and stuff that will always be with me....
but yes, it's true, i so wish i was doing something more meaningful to me, and perhaps even in NYC - i really would like to be a therapist/coach/leadership development facilitator in NYC....and i have absolutely no idea how i could make that happen or when the right time must be, but i do....and maybe the reason i've never really thought about it seriously, is because my preference would be to go there with a partner....seems the thought of picking up my life and simply moving half a world away with no significant other for support, well, frankly, at my age, that seems something of a big gamble....
and yes, FC and i talked about NYC, but i wonder if he would have supported me following my dream there, or whether he would expect/assume that i would simply continue in the 'corporate' job i do now?
who knows, kinda doesn't matter, since I think my relationship with FC, however, it can be categorised is about to come to an end, other than in a professional capacity, and so me even spending any time at all thinking about what he might have thought about the whole thing seems nothing short of futile...
kinda like me hoping he might come back
kinda like me hoping he might do the necessary work on himself
kinda like me hoping he might leave work so that he is not in view 5 days a week
kinda like me hoping that i had never gotten involved with him, although that's not entirely true as i did have some fun and i learned many valuable lessons
sooo, i'm having an early night, i'm taking some more headache tablets (yes i know!), and hoping for a good night's sleep ahead of my weekend away...
he's going away too - he told me this on Tuesday night - Gold Coast for a stag weekend...it's funny really, coz when he was here to take me for my MRI, i didn't feel anything, no connection, nothing...and yet, some part of me is still sad when he doesn't make contact, misses him when we don't speak and wishes he would come back...hmmm WTF is going on i wonder?
and i know what will happen, no sooner do i start to feel good and move on, he'll get in touch, say something he shouldn't...trick for me is whether i will feel strong enough not to let myself fall back into the same old pattern with him, and really, why would i? it's not exactly like any of the patterns him and i forged really worked for me...well maybe the cooking risotto one, maybe the watching tv curled up on the couch...yep, pretty much, they are the only 2 things that really worked between us - otherwise, not really much to look back on and rejoice....
so 24 hours on, at least i haven't reached out and contacted him, and even though i felt sad enough to cry when i got home, i'm beginning to think that has more to do with the headache, the mild anxiety ahead of monday (results and seeing eye specialist too, as the more i think about it, the more i think my headaches are related to my eyes, which are sore and very very tired) and the realisation today that i am a bit further away from where i want to be, both in life and in work...
hmmm, plenty to ponder!
nite peeps, happy friday ahead x
and of course, in many ways this isn't new - he constantly did this whilst we were 'in a relationship', he has certainly done it since the break up and has (in my view) attempted to control all contact to suit him and his need to be friends...despite the occasional mixed message, despite the wanting to see me....
so i am not entirely sure how i feel tonight? i had a good day, attended a course in town with one of my staff which was ok, could have been better, but despite that, was enjoyable, except, and yes, wait for it, it really highlighted to me just how far away i am right now from doing what i truly love...
yes, so it seems the coaching, the counselling, the helping people, the facilitation, the leadership stuff, yes, that is what i want to be doing - seems my current role, even though i love it and my place of work, well, it's not really helping me be closer to my purpose....or is it? perhaps, right now, it's exactly what i should be doing with my lif, well my career anyway, and in a few years time, when the mortgage is gone, when my financial situation is very secure, then i can follow my dream...again! not like i haven't done that already and i must say, i'm glad i did, coz i learned a stack and stuff that will always be with me....
but yes, it's true, i so wish i was doing something more meaningful to me, and perhaps even in NYC - i really would like to be a therapist/coach/leadership development facilitator in NYC....and i have absolutely no idea how i could make that happen or when the right time must be, but i do....and maybe the reason i've never really thought about it seriously, is because my preference would be to go there with a partner....seems the thought of picking up my life and simply moving half a world away with no significant other for support, well, frankly, at my age, that seems something of a big gamble....
and yes, FC and i talked about NYC, but i wonder if he would have supported me following my dream there, or whether he would expect/assume that i would simply continue in the 'corporate' job i do now?
who knows, kinda doesn't matter, since I think my relationship with FC, however, it can be categorised is about to come to an end, other than in a professional capacity, and so me even spending any time at all thinking about what he might have thought about the whole thing seems nothing short of futile...
kinda like me hoping he might come back
kinda like me hoping he might do the necessary work on himself
kinda like me hoping he might leave work so that he is not in view 5 days a week
kinda like me hoping that i had never gotten involved with him, although that's not entirely true as i did have some fun and i learned many valuable lessons
sooo, i'm having an early night, i'm taking some more headache tablets (yes i know!), and hoping for a good night's sleep ahead of my weekend away...
he's going away too - he told me this on Tuesday night - Gold Coast for a stag weekend...it's funny really, coz when he was here to take me for my MRI, i didn't feel anything, no connection, nothing...and yet, some part of me is still sad when he doesn't make contact, misses him when we don't speak and wishes he would come back...hmmm WTF is going on i wonder?
and i know what will happen, no sooner do i start to feel good and move on, he'll get in touch, say something he shouldn't...trick for me is whether i will feel strong enough not to let myself fall back into the same old pattern with him, and really, why would i? it's not exactly like any of the patterns him and i forged really worked for me...well maybe the cooking risotto one, maybe the watching tv curled up on the couch...yep, pretty much, they are the only 2 things that really worked between us - otherwise, not really much to look back on and rejoice....
so 24 hours on, at least i haven't reached out and contacted him, and even though i felt sad enough to cry when i got home, i'm beginning to think that has more to do with the headache, the mild anxiety ahead of monday (results and seeing eye specialist too, as the more i think about it, the more i think my headaches are related to my eyes, which are sore and very very tired) and the realisation today that i am a bit further away from where i want to be, both in life and in work...
hmmm, plenty to ponder!
nite peeps, happy friday ahead x
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
really?
would i really consider taking him back, even if he came back on bended knee?
and sure, i was a bit sad tonight, and having him pick me up and take me to my MRI and then bring me home again, made me think how nice it might be to actually have a partner, someone who would be there for me, someone i could be there for, someone to share my life with, but really, is he it? or is he simply the last person i thought could be it?
and honestly, he never really did fit the bill....sure i like him, a lot at times, less so now though i think the intrigue remains, and maybe that's coz i never really did get to know more about him, maybe because there are still things about him he didn't answer, and honestly, maybe it's because deep down a small part of me thinks that his decision wasn't about him and his head space but about me....maybe i really would feel better if i knew what his last girlfriend did to hurt him so, or maybe i would feel better if i knew what he was afraid of in being in a relationship? i have no idea really but i'm certain if i knew, then i would not get into the occasional slump where i just end up thinking that i was too much for him...how can that be a bad thing, really? of course i'm too much for him..too in touch with my feelings, and his, too challenging (in a good way) and maybe just too confronting for him as i would be someone who would make him look in the mirror? anyway, i guess i still wish i knew the answers to some of those questions....
and it saddens me to think that i spent months attempting to have a relationship with someone who although he tried, he never really threw himself into it, held himself back, when he did occasionally follow his heart, it would quickly be followed with a retreat which just left me feeling hurt and confused and unsure about myself...he would rarely open up and talk to me, he would leave me hanging in the middle of a conversation and when he didn't want to talk about things, rather than say that, he would say 'not in text' and he's done that a bit of late....which i am pretty certain now is his way of avoiding it altogether...
and i still think i'd like to be with this man? really? fucking really?
well maybe not....sure i love the idea that he might wake up and call and say 'shit, i am such an idiot - i really do like you, i'm ready to give it a shot and sorry, please will you give me another chance?'...yep, i like the idea of that, but really, what would be different? is he suddenly going to be someone who talks, who opens up, who will be emotional (or at least emotionally aware?), is he going to suddenly be the sort of person i can share my innermost dreams with, who will not laugh at them (not that he did, i simply never shared them with him as i didn't think he'd understand), is he going to make me feel like a priority in his life?
honestly, i don't know the answers to most of these questions, and in the short time we did spend together i guess he didn't let me see enough of him to know if any of this stuff is possible...and for me to want to be in a relationship, this stuff NEEDS to be possible...
hmmm so not only am i feeling a bit clearer tonight, despite a very short lived teary on the way home (probably tiredness and this constant bloody headache) but i guess i am wondering if in fact i do need to write any sort of email to him? yes me and my need for closure, but really, will i get closure? i doubt it, we've been doing the email each other, text each other and 'talk about shit' for 6 weeks now and sure i feel better than i did immediately post breakup, and sure i have a few more answers, but what is the point of sharing my thoughts with him, what is the point of cutting him off altogether when i see him at work, what is the point of me making myself make a decision i have simply never wanted to make? right now i can see no point...
however, perhaps what i should do is withdraw slightly...and even that seems difficult for me as in some way i see it as rude, but it's not...it's about putting me, Sarah, first...and this isn't something i do too well...
even in my email to him the day we broke up i made it clear that whatever happened from that day on had to be about me, and you know what? it absolutely categorically has not been....it's been about him, he wanted to be friends, so i've kind of gone along with that, but i never did and still don't want to be friends with him....and sure i like him, i like hanging out with him but i never wanted to be friends - i wanted to see if we could have a relationship and sure i was happy for there to be an underlying friendship there, but not just friends.....
soooo i'm going to give up feeling like a i need to 'make a decision' and cut off contact with him and i know some of my friends think that's what i have to do, but it's not feasible given i see him 5 days a week...
however, i'm going to try and withdraw, ever so slightly, at least at first and see how i feel - see if the space gives me something, see if it allows me to start to really believe that i could be with someone else, that i could be attracted to someone else and that in time, he will be, just another man i dated....
so, i'm going to try something different! so wish i was seeing my therapist on saturday, but alas i'll be in melbs with my sis and the kids, which will be lovely....
so, the word of the day is withdrawal and i'm going to try that on for size...wish me luck peeps!
nite xx
and sure, i was a bit sad tonight, and having him pick me up and take me to my MRI and then bring me home again, made me think how nice it might be to actually have a partner, someone who would be there for me, someone i could be there for, someone to share my life with, but really, is he it? or is he simply the last person i thought could be it?
and honestly, he never really did fit the bill....sure i like him, a lot at times, less so now though i think the intrigue remains, and maybe that's coz i never really did get to know more about him, maybe because there are still things about him he didn't answer, and honestly, maybe it's because deep down a small part of me thinks that his decision wasn't about him and his head space but about me....maybe i really would feel better if i knew what his last girlfriend did to hurt him so, or maybe i would feel better if i knew what he was afraid of in being in a relationship? i have no idea really but i'm certain if i knew, then i would not get into the occasional slump where i just end up thinking that i was too much for him...how can that be a bad thing, really? of course i'm too much for him..too in touch with my feelings, and his, too challenging (in a good way) and maybe just too confronting for him as i would be someone who would make him look in the mirror? anyway, i guess i still wish i knew the answers to some of those questions....
and it saddens me to think that i spent months attempting to have a relationship with someone who although he tried, he never really threw himself into it, held himself back, when he did occasionally follow his heart, it would quickly be followed with a retreat which just left me feeling hurt and confused and unsure about myself...he would rarely open up and talk to me, he would leave me hanging in the middle of a conversation and when he didn't want to talk about things, rather than say that, he would say 'not in text' and he's done that a bit of late....which i am pretty certain now is his way of avoiding it altogether...
and i still think i'd like to be with this man? really? fucking really?
well maybe not....sure i love the idea that he might wake up and call and say 'shit, i am such an idiot - i really do like you, i'm ready to give it a shot and sorry, please will you give me another chance?'...yep, i like the idea of that, but really, what would be different? is he suddenly going to be someone who talks, who opens up, who will be emotional (or at least emotionally aware?), is he going to suddenly be the sort of person i can share my innermost dreams with, who will not laugh at them (not that he did, i simply never shared them with him as i didn't think he'd understand), is he going to make me feel like a priority in his life?
honestly, i don't know the answers to most of these questions, and in the short time we did spend together i guess he didn't let me see enough of him to know if any of this stuff is possible...and for me to want to be in a relationship, this stuff NEEDS to be possible...
hmmm so not only am i feeling a bit clearer tonight, despite a very short lived teary on the way home (probably tiredness and this constant bloody headache) but i guess i am wondering if in fact i do need to write any sort of email to him? yes me and my need for closure, but really, will i get closure? i doubt it, we've been doing the email each other, text each other and 'talk about shit' for 6 weeks now and sure i feel better than i did immediately post breakup, and sure i have a few more answers, but what is the point of sharing my thoughts with him, what is the point of cutting him off altogether when i see him at work, what is the point of me making myself make a decision i have simply never wanted to make? right now i can see no point...
however, perhaps what i should do is withdraw slightly...and even that seems difficult for me as in some way i see it as rude, but it's not...it's about putting me, Sarah, first...and this isn't something i do too well...
even in my email to him the day we broke up i made it clear that whatever happened from that day on had to be about me, and you know what? it absolutely categorically has not been....it's been about him, he wanted to be friends, so i've kind of gone along with that, but i never did and still don't want to be friends with him....and sure i like him, i like hanging out with him but i never wanted to be friends - i wanted to see if we could have a relationship and sure i was happy for there to be an underlying friendship there, but not just friends.....
soooo i'm going to give up feeling like a i need to 'make a decision' and cut off contact with him and i know some of my friends think that's what i have to do, but it's not feasible given i see him 5 days a week...
however, i'm going to try and withdraw, ever so slightly, at least at first and see how i feel - see if the space gives me something, see if it allows me to start to really believe that i could be with someone else, that i could be attracted to someone else and that in time, he will be, just another man i dated....
so, i'm going to try something different! so wish i was seeing my therapist on saturday, but alas i'll be in melbs with my sis and the kids, which will be lovely....
so, the word of the day is withdrawal and i'm going to try that on for size...wish me luck peeps!
nite xx
i just love a show that makes
me laugh out loud, esp after the day i've had...
so, bad headache, dizziness and nausea post the MRI, earlyish night but dreams of FC which frankly make the start to the day somewhat disturbing...seems i can't get him out of my head
oh that's right, that's because he took me to my MRI...which is a lovely gesture, but really? at some point i think a complete break from him is going to be the only way that i can move on from my hopes and dreams, and the hope of a relationship with him, even though i'm not entirely convinced i would want that, even if he came back...
anyway, i digress! i love a show that makes me laugh out loud and today, episode 3 of The Big C Season 3 when Cathy walks in on her brother having phone sex with a gay guy and he says 'i'm in the gay phone sex business' so matter of factly, it actually made me laugh out loud...
i do love this show! Laura Linney is simply breathtaking as the lead and well, like Eli Stone and a handful of other shows, i do truly love it...
ok, back to it, then an early night for me...
oh, and i'm a bit sad tonight - not sure why exactly...didn't get around to any email or conversation with FC (of course i didn't i can hear you saying) and not sure how to get him out of my head...
suggestions welcome!
nite
x
so, bad headache, dizziness and nausea post the MRI, earlyish night but dreams of FC which frankly make the start to the day somewhat disturbing...seems i can't get him out of my head
oh that's right, that's because he took me to my MRI...which is a lovely gesture, but really? at some point i think a complete break from him is going to be the only way that i can move on from my hopes and dreams, and the hope of a relationship with him, even though i'm not entirely convinced i would want that, even if he came back...
anyway, i digress! i love a show that makes me laugh out loud and today, episode 3 of The Big C Season 3 when Cathy walks in on her brother having phone sex with a gay guy and he says 'i'm in the gay phone sex business' so matter of factly, it actually made me laugh out loud...
i do love this show! Laura Linney is simply breathtaking as the lead and well, like Eli Stone and a handful of other shows, i do truly love it...
ok, back to it, then an early night for me...
oh, and i'm a bit sad tonight - not sure why exactly...didn't get around to any email or conversation with FC (of course i didn't i can hear you saying) and not sure how to get him out of my head...
suggestions welcome!
nite
x
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