is it possible for a boundary to backfire?

hmmm, so that's how i feel right now, but maybe this is the place i needed to get to and what i am feeling right now is simply the grief (although it ain't that bad) of having finally put a boundary in place with FC that i probably should have done months and months ago....

so i tell him earlier this evening that i'd rather not talk about work stuff when we aren't at work - i'm somewhat over that place and the people in it, and we do seem to spend an inordinate amount of time talking about it when we aren't there - i don't think it's healthy for me, and it certainly doesn't assist me in 'moving away' from him....

so this is what i said to him: 'i've been thinking about doing this for a long time: ages ago you said you wanted to be friends....i don't know if you still do, if you do then i'd like to try something different....when we aren't at work i would prefer not to talk about work stuff...only then will we work out if we are/can be friends without that hideous place....i need some mental space from that place and i'd like a 'boundary' between our work and personal relationship...and no, someone has not stolen my phone!! i won't go into all the reasons why i want this....'

so he says ok...then somehow he gets around to telling me that i don't want to know about his out of work life which i know means he is randomly shagging at least one person (how does he do it? i mean seriously? he doesn't really like being with other people, he stinks of cigarettes, he spends most of his life at the pub, isn't overly interesting, tends to repeat the same old stories)....and suddenly i realise that this is exactly why i needed to put this boundary in place....

because even though right now, now that i know he is in fact shagging someone (i know he's not seeing someone, or at least i think he isn't unless he'd lied to me) and it hurts, i think i need this...i need to see the reality of this situation for what it is....

and what it is, is this: he is no good for me, other than him thinking i'm fabulous (which is where tonight's conversation started...weird!), and us trusting each other at work, there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this for me....

this man broke my beautiful and tender heart, a heart that hadn't dared to open to for so long after Ben....yep, he lead me on and then when he knew i'd fallen for him, he cast me aside....and it doesn't matter that he didn't mean it, truth is, he hurt me badly....

and now, i have to work with him every fucking day...why doesn't he leave already? why doesn't he stop contacting me outside of work - sure, work is what we have in common (according to him and also according to him people who know each other start with talking about what they have in common - but surely we've gone past that yes??) but enough is enough

if he could think for one minute about how his behaviour impacts me surely he'd be smart or empathic enough to work out that it's difficult for me....

how can he think i'm fabulous and yet not want to be with me? fuck, i need to stop asking that question, coz it's seriously not going to get me where i want to be which is over him and in a loving equal relationship with someone who will meet me half way, who will feed my soul rather than not....

what i absolutely have struggled to comprehend is just why i still like this man? or do i not so much like him but he pushes my buttons - the buttons of my past? yes, in many ways he represents the past, my past relationships, the yearning for something i didn't have as a child....

whatever it is, it ain't good, and even though i'd miss him (initially), i actually really do wish he'd leave....

it's sad but it's true - it would make things easier for me, perhaps my little heart would be able to heal without having to see him 5 days a week, perhaps i would then be able to well and truly put it and him behind me.....

how arrogant he can be too! he mentioned to me the other day as he was telling me about his stint in brisbane that he was a man about town - seriously? how does someone like him manage to pull women when i can't meet a decent bloke?

i wonder if that says more about me than it does about him? so sure, he might be having random empty sex with someone, maybe more than one person, but that is where him and i are different and maybe it's good that i know all of this now...sad thing is, i kind of knew all of that from the get go - that fateful night in the pub when he kissed me, after telling me that he wasn't celibate - should have known then to walk away....

what a shame i didn't.....

oh well, today may well be the walk away! what i really want to say to him is 'please leave me be Nick....please'

maybe i'll find a way to do that in the not too distant future - seems i've made plenty of headway tonight....

so in answer to my question, no i'm pretty sure it isn't possible for a boundary to backfire, where i am right now is EXACTLY where i need to be.....

nite x

amazing how different someone

looks, through the eyes of another...

yes, so thursday was a day that i had not been looking forward to for months and months...yes, the day that FC would be in my 'classroom' (as it were)....a participant (unwilling mostly) in mine and Leah's training programme...

got off to a bit of a rocky start - more her than me, but in the end, NOWHERE near as bad as i thought it would be - in itself a lesson: namely that as things are often better in my head than in reality, so they are worse in my head than in reality....a good lesson!

he wasn't overly well behaved - still played on his phone (although infrequently), had numerous cigarette breaks, and abruptly left without a goodbye or thank you, but otherwise, at least made some attempt to contribute....

but not only did i see him as others (and by others i mean his team, his manager, other senior managers) must see him, but Leah also shared with me her observations...

well, that's probably putting it a bit more subtly than she did - when just before the half way point, she quietly says to me 'seriously?' and when i shrug my shoulders, she says simply 'he's repulsive'....

can't really blame her - for nearly a year she's listened to my stories of him and his behaviour and today she got to see him....for the child he is, at his most uncomfortable although he did willingly contribute once or twice, in his smelly, tired state....

admittedly he had sent me a text before it started to say he felt dreadful, hadn't slept etc etc and would i bring him some valium...

so i guess i've started to try and look at him through a different lens myself - not the rose coloured glasses of the person who wants him to like her, approve of her, love her perhaps, but the less rose tinted glasses of someone who does love me already - and sees him for what he is rather than what i want him to be, what i hoped he would be....

and  therein lies a big big stumbling block for me - not like i liked FC for what he was, but for what he might be, with my help, if i fixed him....

god, how addictive is that? that wanting to be needed? that needing to be helpful?

complete and utter mind fuck really.....

yep, so would be naive of me to think that in simply hearing Leah's opinion of him, i would be over him, yes naive, but in seeing it from her perspective rather than just my own, perhaps i've been able to put a bit of distance between us....

and sure, i'm not sure if i could (right now) resist if he were to come running back (he won't).....but truth is, i've seen more of who he is in the last few days than i have in the last year, and that can only be a good thing.....

i'd offered to help him with his cv, and when he called me today from the pub (on his own at 2pm) i realised that he really is lonely, and that his life really isn't on track (my friend E described it as such the other day)......he is not someone who could ever meet me half way, nor could he be what i want in a relationship - in fact, based on the list that Leah and i wrote yesterday, he doesn't even have 10% of what i'm looking for.....and yet!

so what is it then? he needs fixing? needs my help?

yep, good to see that for what it is....and what it is, is my old pattern.....

one i'm going to be my level headed best to be aware of and steer clear of in future....

rose coloured glasses - be gone!

au revoir....

so that's what tomorrow will be...au revoir BD!

so he's flying out friday! feels like an age that he mentioned he was going, and yet, it's come around really quickly...doesn't seem like yesterday he was seeing me off for my little trip to NYC...and that is now 5 months ago, in fact this time 5 months ago I was in downtown NYC....ah!

so i'm gonna miss him! he's been such a good friend, and i love spending time with him...of course post our 'chat' in late December about where things were heading, we've been friends, but last night seemed kinda different again...

and whilst i'm not confused in a bad way or hung out on any particular outcome, i'm kinda wondering what is going on for him - and even as i'm typing this i wonder why i don't just simply ask him?

nah...as if i'm going to do that!

so he stayed over last night and at 6am when he realised i was awake he texts me from upstairs saying 'move over, i'm coming down'...and so he did! we hugged (in bed), he gave me my 2nd massage in less than 12 hours (lovely way to finish and start my days respectively!), and then we went about getting ready as if it were perfectly normal...

hmmmm!

no idea really, and not overly concerned...

but i know that i am really going to miss him in coming weeks....

yep, i'll definitely miss him :-(