nice, naive or just plain stupid...

yep, that's what i'm wondering right now...Nick's right! i've been played....

so i had a conversation with my boss today - about something unrelated - but i mentioned to her how impacted i was by the events of the last few weeks, how stressful it was, how i feel given all i've done is try to make it a better place for people etc - she reckons what's happened doesn't change that and it's just an opportunity for me to reflect, and in years to come, maybe not now, i'll look back and realise it was the catalyst for me to operate at a higher level....comforting words actually, and i was even able to share with her how concerned i was that it was anonymous and that i'd been made to answer an anonymous complaint even though in my role i understood that she had to raise it with me - she thinks the person is lacking courage and obviously if they thought i had anything to answer would have gone through the appropriate channels - which they didn't! i should be very grateful i guess that she's supportive and understanding and has realised how much it impacts me...but she said i need to let it go and find a way to put it behind me...really, can't ask for more than that, but i am still left wondering if i'll be fired....

good thing is, there are no grounds on which they could legally do that and when i'm not tired and feeling vulnerable, i doubt they would even go down that path... she also mentioned to me that she thinks the person behind it is the same person i think is behind it! interesting....and yes, this is where Nick's right in that this person has well and truly played me.....

Nick! that's another story....gave him a gobful tonight when he chose to tell me, outside of work hours, that in a meeting he was at today, someone told a lie about something i'd allegedly said!

seriously, i'm really losing all faith in people and being nice, it seems, doesn't do you any favours... so, bed is calling and with it i'll be starting to think about whether or not my nice girl act is serving me in this role...sad thing is i think i already know the answer, but ultimately that just means this ain't the right job for me....!

way way

better day....think I might finally have cracked it! massive break through last night....think that the patterns of my past are now crystal clear and in the cold light of day, they just don't cut it anymore....so bye bye!!

think i may have cottoned on...

to the lesson!

so today has been a roller coaster - mental note to self: don't drink wine! not only does it make you feel like crap the morning after but it also fucks with your mood...of course general lack of sleep, extreme stress in last 2 weeks as well as the rain didn't help....

so i had a lovely day with BD, met him at Ikea at 9.30am, had a hot brekky in their cafe, picked up the expedit 5 x 5 cube bookcase for my attic, amongst other things, then came home, put it together, cleaned out some of the things i was getting rid of, had some lunch and a beverage, then he left...

and immediately he left, i felt terrible...sad, dismantled and wondering what had happened....

had long chat with Leah, talked a lot about Nick as yet another brutal text arrived from him today (i really need to see this man for what he is and how he behaves towards me, not what i'd like him to be or how i wish he'd behave)....and so then i went into a further spin, then there was the conversation with my boss yesterday and her feedback from new peer (who i think is a rude and arrogant twat), and then my EA doesn't want to be an EA (which in itself isn't an issue at all as she isn't cut out to be an EA, despite her many many other valuable contributions) and thinking she might be entitled to redundancy...

fuck! how is all of this happening right now? and i'm doing my level headed best not to feel like a victim, but man, the universe sure is throwing me some curve balls right now....

and then there's the general vulnerability which has been in residence since the events of last week...bring on 15 March i say - bonus payday which will give me some much needed financial buffer and i hope, a good nights sleep!

so, anyway, decided to really think about whether or not talking to Nick tonight would be a good idea: i decided it would not! no amount of asking him why, telling him what i want, or trying to reconcile our respective views of what friendship is, is going to get me to where i think i want to be - which stupidly is in relationship with him....funny thing is, as i made tea this morning and thought about the day ahead, i really didn't think i'd like to spend the day with him...instead i was thoroughly looking forward to hanging out with BD....but what i realised, and Leah assisted with this, is that because Nick said he didn't want to be with me, that might be what i'm struggling to comprehend...

and not because i'm arrogant, but i am (his words) intelligent, challenging, pretty and probably look good naked! we get on well, we are intellectually matched (although emotionally not), we like doing the same stuff, we both love New York, we trust each other...there is a strong physical attraction, so why on earth wouldn't it make sense that we might be together?

who the fuck knows! and maybe i hoped that once he knew our boss didn't have an issue with a work relationship, he might realise that he is mad about me and ask me back....but nah! that's merely a fantasy i've been tossing around....

and then there's the fact that if i send a message he deems confusing he is brutal, but it's ok for him to send me the very same sort of thing....

fucking double standards with him - now and always...and i need to accept it ain't going to change and in fact, i should be thankful for that because honestly, even though a small part of me adores this bloke and thinks i want to be with him, in reality it would be a disaster...always wondering how he really felt, wondering where i stood, and wondering if he was going to run away due to his many unresolved issues....

so sarah, it's time to look in the mirror, realise how wonderful you are, realise how many people love you and just because he doesn't, well frankly, get over it and on with it!

enough said!

so he failed the test...

question is this, will i? i've been saying this for months, that FC was one gigantic universal lesson for me and it seems, alas, that i still haven't learned it...

so i guess until i do, he's going to continue to have some hold over me, and i'm going to let him continue to do what he does...

or, i'm not! just have no idea how i get there...

but i will....

and the other thing...i'm pretty sure that come 16 march 2014 i'm resigning...i have lost my passion for the place of employment...the events of last week, and lets be honest, FC, is making it really difficult for me to want to turn up - not helped by the fact that i'm pretty sure my boss doesn't really value what i do....

so, some financial planning to do, and then an escape to NYC...wonder if i can pull it off!

nite
x

it's got to end...

what i realised this morning when i hadn't heard back from FC (having sent him a text) that i don't know now and i have never known, where i stand with him....

the last week and his incredible support has confused me - i thought we were growing closer, starting to share more with each other, and i appreciated his support during that time...more than i can articulate, as i'm certain he stretched himself to be there for me....

he's never been one to tolerate drama and i admit to more than my fair share at times, so i guess in his mind the 'crisis' is now over and he can simply revert back to how he usually is with me?

but what i realised last night when i got a no response to my text (and this morning when i ask him if he received a text - he says 'yes, but was out') it's become very very clear...so i'm now to assume that if he's out he doesn't text - that's complete and utter bullshit....

what is going on here, i think, is that when he doesn't have control of the conversation, he doesn't like it and when i start being me (expressive, sometimes emotional, grateful etc) he doesn't like that either, so he doesn't respond and i feel ignored, and worse, wondering who it was who actually spent the last week being incredibly caring and supportive?

i can't understand how someone who went out of his way last week to check in with me, and be there when i needed to talk, can suddenly drop off the radar - and sure his parents are here, and sure he's busy at work, but a 20 second reply to a text? really?

or am i being dramatic and making something out of nothing?

what i do know is this: i don't know and i have NEVER known where i stand with him and that is no longer something i want to deal with.....

OMG i'm starting to

fantasise about FC - and it's taking up WAY too much time...

admittedly this comes off the back of a crap week, one where he's been v v supportive and so perhaps i'm just reacting to that...but seriously i have FC on the brain....

aarrgghh! wondering how i will ever move forward and put my feelings for him aside?

hmmm

have had a somewhat dual...

response to this whole work situation....

my immature natural reaction is to run away...of course, this is normal right! and then i have my adult considered 'i'm going to show them' response...which i wish was the constant...

but of course, nothing is constant, well rarely anyway...especially with me and my emotions...i am fine and feel completely in control one minute, and then something sets me off and i think 'what if....?'

tonight's what if involved me asking FC if i could call him...see, i know he's a bit of an obsessor at times and i wondered if he might have any tips to share with me...and of course, i wanted to talk to him....he texted me earlier to see if the week had gotten off to a better start which i thought sweet...

i'm still 'obsessing' (actually, obsessing is too strong a description in this case, more like wondering) about what his comment of last week meant - or what he meant when he said it - if i wasn't such a scaredy cat i'd surely just ask him...yes the 'you don't need to miss me - i'm always near' comment....

in the midst of my crisis he's really turned up for me and it's difficult for me not to find that incredibly appealing...so much so i have occasionally (ok, ok i'll admit it) found myself thinking 'maybe he'll come back'...and some times i wish he would

other times, i suspect it wouldn't work...and then there's the fact that we are talking a lot, and not just about work stuff....and i find myself seeing him in a different light....and i know he's not happy, i know he hasn't slept properly in months, i know he feels unsettled following his nyc trip - i can relate to that, as i feel the same way and watching Smash has made me long to be in the big apple even more than i usually do....

in a different life, FC and i could simply run away to NYC together...i'd like that!

so, all FC could offer was that the passage of time was usually the best medicine for getting thru things...and he's right of course, isn't he always? god damn him....

of course, that's one of the things i like about him....maybe it'll amount to nothing, but an increasing part of me wonders if this slowly building towards truly being friends will lead to something else....

right now, i hope it does....

supported...

so despite the events of last week, i do feel very supported...

all of my friends have been very present, FC has been a rock, Leah there, E solid and angry on my behalf, Leanne called yesterday after a month or so of quiet (had the nicest chat), saw Kirst yesterday for tea, Aranka has been good too even tho she's in the middle of her own work related crisis, and in an absolutely surprising way my boss has shown her unwavering support of me...

we finally had our meeting on friday and her first words were 'are you ok?', followed by 'you'll be fine, you'll get through this'....then she proceeded to share with me some of her own experiences....

so sure, i feel vulnerable and shaken (as well as shaky), but i have her support and i gotta say, that makes things a whole lot easier...

not say what i'm going thru right now is easy...on the contrary! but in years to come i expect i'll look back on it as a turning point, as a lesson that the universe knew she could offer up to me, knowing full well that i'd be supported...and yes it will be hard, aren't all the best lessons difficult and challenging? how else would you learn them?

but mostly, despite the odd moment of abject fear and paranoia, i feel supported....

unrequited love....?

not sure it's love, but after the way FC has behaved, i can no longer deny that i really do like him...

and sure, he's inconsistent (at best), or perhaps it's not inconsistency, perhaps he just has no appetite for my dramatics? maybe he's the sort of person who is only going to take the big stuff seriously, yes maybe he's someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff?

i have no idea and really what he does or doesn't do isn't overly relevant, except that in arguably my most difficult week of my entire career, he's been there for me....he made an effort to check in with me every night (work night) last week....

was funny, as BD was about to arrive Friday night and I found myself on the phone to FC, i didn't really want to hang up....

so, it's more a case of 'i really do like this man' rather than unrequited love per se....but it's something

Leah remarked that it hadn't changed in a year, that i liked him then and i like him now and that no matter how i look at it, there's no doubting he likes and cares about me...so why oh why can't he be willing to give it a shot? that upset me yesterday, today less so, but still the fantasy that he will tell me he can't be without me remains, and floats in and out of my mind like a cloud on a windy day....

Leah even said, although she also said she didn't want me to hold onto it, that of his 2 barriers (work and not ready) the work barrier may well be gone now, and he may be spending some time thinking about that....of course he'll know the work barrier isn't actually there (based on what i relayed to him about my boss's reaction)....but in his mind, it may still be there?

anyway, i'm exhausted, i've had mostly the day to myself and my thoughts, which has been good and bad at times...

there are times when i feel sick with fear that another letter will be sent to my boss, and other times i think that if i were to lose my job, then it would be an opportunity to shake things up....

so, bed for me and a brave face tomorrow....

nite x

i feel trapped....

and over it, and trapped....

i am starting to think about an exit strategy, but promised myself i would pay off the mortgage with this job before i moved on...

and yet, right now, that seems too high a price to pay...for my happiness, for my mental health and for my sanity...

i feel as though the actions of a few random people at work, the ones who saw fit to send that letter to my boss, have ruined my passion for the place...

i no longer feel like i can trust anyone (E and FC aside), i'm even starting to question if one of my own team was behind it, or involved in some way

i haven't become paranoid per se, but in the absence of knowing, i seem to find any number of possibilities, but sadly, always end up back at the same one or two people...

bottom line is that i think it's someone i befriended a while ago and now i'm left wondering if a) my judgment sucks or b) she sucked me in purposely with the intention of becoming involved in the negotiations and attempting to undermine me?

it's really not a good place for me to be, mentally that is...

i feel like i'm no in a fish bowl, i'm afraid to be sarah, and sure, there are times when i should learn to shut my mouth and not be quite so expressive, but i'm not sure i want to do that...

this was always going to be an issue with a return to corporate life, and then i have to deal with a new senior person who wants to pay someone in his team more money than some 50% of the senior team when this guy has less than 10 years of work experience....seriously?

sickens me to think that me, and others, have given our hearts and souls to this place and this guy, who really doesn't work that hard (but admittedly does a good job) could end up on more money....fucking investment bank mentality - am completely and utterly over it!

anyway, i have the meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss the events of tuesday....will certainly be glad when that's over and i can put it all behind me....

sigh...

ps on another note, i'm confused about FC....he's been nice this week, even supportive, but that and his comment of 'you don't have to miss me - i'm always near' has thrown me into a spin....

my leaf...

is crisp and crackly - it's travelled a long way.  it started its life on a big oak tree in the upper west side and now its come to rest outside the Guggenheim - it has hundreds of friends, different colours, shapes and sizes.  They will soon be gathered up and taken to their next destination, where they will be transformed into mulch, and probably, end up in a lovely garden bed in Connecticut...

so this was what i wrote when asked to describe a leaf in a team building exercise today - the idea was to show the difference between N and S preferences think...

kinda cute! loved the exercise....

in the firing line...

is how it feels to be me right now...and this is hard to write, it's been hard for me to absorb, probably the most challenging day of my entire career was yesterday...only positive really is that sometimes in those moments you know who your supporters are and when you handle it with grace, at least you aren't left beating yourself up about how you took the news...

so the 'news' i refer to is that an anonymous group of people at my workplace saw fit to write my boss a letter alleging that on a number of occasions my behaviour has been inappropriate and that in particular my relationship with Nick had in some way influenced the organisation's decision to promote him to his new role...couple of other less savoury items were written too...

so imagine my surprise when my colleague and kind of friend had to sit me down, tell me this and ask me to 'respond' to said allegations! yep, thank goodness i'm in the know about said process, and so didn't take it personally....

wow, really a low light both in my personal and professional life and a real 'oh fuck' moment....if i'm honest my first reaction was that i could possibly be fired, although said colleague advised me that neither him nor my boss were considering this as an option and that most likely the timing of the letter was something to do with a big negotiation that is currently taking place, where, for my sins, i am the primary decision maker, representative for our organisation and the key negotiator....

OMG i can't believe that only 28 or so hours later i am so composed, so zen like and in fact, other than feeling a bit sad that people would behave like this, and would see fit to attempt to discredit me in an extremely unjust way so that they may benefit....to say i've lost my faith in mankind would be an understatement...

i think i have learned te hard way that really, that my natural trusting and open self is not going to work in this particular role and in this particular company...which seems to have at the grass roots, a very toxic culture, and one which i am trying to change...

seems the history of former management and their attitude towards staff is now something that me and my team are having to clean up...and honestly, whilst i'm sure i'm up for that challenge, i am certain i don't want it....

these people are largely uneducated, have i suspect, few employment opportunities outside of our organisation, are inarticulate, and do not have the wherewithal to respond to the situation in a professional and above board way...instead they stoop to the sort of tactics i would never dream of using, and i guess that's because i don't have to...

i feel blessed to have the brain i have, to have parents who supported me in educating myself, and blessed that i have a small group of friends who will see me through this....

and as i drove home last night in a flood of tears, the days event's finally becoming too much for me to contain, i realised that the one thing i was afraid of in taking this job (a job, for the record, that i love and am passionate about...although not surprisingly, that has waned in the last day or so) was giving up my freedom, and when i pictured freedom then it was about how i would have to spend my time on a daily basis...but what i realised last night, whilst standing under a hot shower, was that in fact, the freedom i have given up, is the freedom to be me, to be sarah....

whoever she might be, and in the last day or so that has been a question that has bubbled it's way to the surface a number of times...

challenge for me now is to make sure there is to balance being sarah (which in this role is a strength as it means i'm open and people trust that they can approach and confide in me, but seemingly it's also a weakness as it makes me vulnerable and an easy target) with being the best i can be in my role...

and honestly, i'm stuck! i don't know how i can actually achieve that without it feeling like far too much of a compromise, and sure, life it all about compromises, but is this particular compromise worth it?

and maybe it is...

one thing i realised last night as i tried to put the work day and events behind me, was how important my home, my little sanctuary is to me...and what i landed on was that anything that might jeopardise that should be avoided...

so going forward, i need to remember why i'm at work, how important it is not to be an easy target for people, not to be so vulnerable so that i get taken advantage of (this is a theme in my life)....and at the same time, be me...

i have absolutely no idea how i'm going to do that....and i'm pretty sure when i took this job, i didn't sign on for this level of personal and professional stress....

on a positive note, in 1 month and 1 day it will be bonus pay day - of course for a few minutes yesterday when i thought i might be fired, i also thought that perhaps my boss would change her mind about my bonus for the last performance year - doesn't seem likely that that is going to happen, but the thought of it sends me into something of a spin!

the only other positive is how supportive Nick has proved to be in this situation and whilst initially i thought i shouldn't tell him, as one of the allegations involved him, i know i'd want to know if the situation were reversed...as usual, he reacted well, and following a lengthy conversation last night, i thanked him (by text) for listening and told him that there were times i really missed him even though i knew he wouldn't thank me for saying so...his response (which i haven't really understood yet and probably won't) was 'you don't need to miss me - i'm always near....

what would one read into that? and then tonight, after seeing him only briefly today, he asks me if i had a better day and when i say no, he called me....

he really isn't empathic in the way i like people to be, but he was there, and he did call, and in his own way, i guess he cares....

and so my plans this week of putting more distance between us, and trying to 'softly' enforce some boundaries, well what do they say about best laid plans?

speaking of plans, he shared with me some of his plans tonight and also mentioned he hadn't been sleeping and in fact since coming back from his trip wasn't feeling settled at all....no surprise really as he isn't really happy at work and i think would dearly love to be in NYC....sound familiar??

i do miss him occasionally, i miss what we had, even though mostly i just wondered what game he was playing with me and if he really liked me...truth is i think he is crazy about me, won't admit it, is too afraid to change and give things a shot...kind of a shame really, as other than the smoking, the lack of 'f' and empathy at times, the dislike of talking about anything remotely emotional, the fact that mostly he's a better person after alcohol, yes, other than that i actually do really like him....he's intelligent, quirky, funny, quick and i miss having someone in my life.....

thankfully there is no way he will stumble across the blog (not since the blog event of September last year)....but honestly, i wouldn't be concerned if he did...

i have spent months trying to work out why i still like him, but truth is, i just do....not sure why, but i do! he is constantly updating me on the things in his life, wondering if that's because he's seeking my approval or as E says, maybe he thinks he's not good enough so he's trying to prove himself....in moments of big crisis for me at work, he's been there, i trust him, but i do wonder what the universe is up to...

anyway, i'm exhausted, it's been an incredibly challenging and draining few days, so i'm going to crawl into bed after a nice hot shower and start a new book, in the hope of losing myself completely before a good night's sleep....

nite x

so perhaps the way to

do it, is softly softly...

so unlike the draft post which will not be published - of thursday night when i was truly beside myself (following a longer day and an even longer 2 weeks) and sobbing into the keyboard, tonight i feel calmer...

but resolute! resolved to find a way to softly introduce boundaries with Nick...it seems certain that he isn't capable of recognising when he is treading all over one of my boundaries and my past patterns seem to take hold before i 'think' when i see a text or non work email from him...

so for now, at least, rather than feel like i have to do something, say something that i have resisted saying for months, perhaps i'll just observe what he does, and not rush to respond...

and sure, in the past i've thought that rude, but really, it seems much ruder to respond in a way that then leaves me open to being walked all over by him....

and then there's the info from Bec (from my crystal healing session of last night)... the info that in my heart i probably already knew, but it's sometimes helpful to have someone else point it out...

so it seems that Nick still likes me, a lot...and he's not coping with that and is constantly fighting wanting to be with me v's not...the way she puts it, he knows he can't handle me, knows he needs to change to be with me but he sees change as 'life or death' - i kinda get that...

i guess the thing i've been intrigued about most, actually hurt more than intrigued, in past months is his contacting me out of the blue, then completely retreating...

seems she puts this down to 'he can't help himself' in terms of reaching out, but then when he does, he's frustrated and resentful so pulls back...

yep, that completely makes sense! good thing is i no longer need to take it personally - truth is i probably shouldn't have been but i do...

so tonight, sitting at my new desk, on my new chair in my soon to be 'madeover' library, i feel good...calm, good, and kinda positive....

in other news: balcony furniture arrived and i went and bought a throw and some lovely cushions - only the paint job to do out there...library bookcase ordered today, painting of my room and library to be organised i hope in next 2 - 3 weeks, bedroom furniture to be painted and re-upholstered in next month, new chest of drawers to arrive prob June/July, en suite plans nearly finalised so i'm hopeful that will commence in next few weeks....sofa from coco on order, hope it will arrive in March (following successful collection of chairs/ottoman) the lounge looks very bare! chandelier will be dropped off for restoration this week and i need to choose light fittings for library, hall, dining room and lounge! it's kinda cool making changes in my little home...Mum said it would be like moving into a new house but without the hassle of moving! so true, and very cathartic cleaning things out....have enjoyed that! oh, and i have fabulous new built in robes in both rooms and hall way including a fabulously custom made shoe cupboard!

so, life is mainly good...have retreat planned for 22/23 march with Leah, overseas trip in August and got a pay rise and bonus which i'm happy with!

and my little niece will be 6 tomorrow! where has the time gone?

nite xx