and whilst Bec has been telling me this for some time, I chose to dismiss it...
and sure, I wasn't planning to move, but life sometimes takes a twist we're not expecting....
this time last year I had been looking to leave my former employer for the best part of a year - job market wasn't that buoyant and I couldn't find anything I wanted to move to...
it was also only 8 weeks until my big trip to the US with Lol for Thanksgiving....so figured, probably better to focus on that...
then the trip, then Phil Hughes passed away whilst I was away (and that made me really think) and then I got home, saw a job advertised that I liked, but it was in Canberra
you'd think that was good really, Canberra being my home town and all, but I wasn't thrilled....
anyway, I've now spent nearly 5 months commuting between there and here, and have bought a 3 bedroom apartment in a beautiful suburb/complex and when it's ready I'm moving...
and sure, part of me thinks 'eek, do I really want to move?' but in reality the last five years or so have been tough....and a change will be welcome.
so today, I'm going to capture all the things about no 87 I'm looking forward to and all the things I won't miss about Sydney....
I'm going to mentally scan my little home so that I don't miss anything....the things I won't miss are:
- south facing living room
- balcony I never use as it gets no sun
- craving somewhere to sit in the sun
- that my bedroom looks into someone else's (and theirs is always bloody messy)
- that I can hear too much of what my neighbours are doing
- traffic congestion in Sydney
- pollution in Sydney
- all the building work in St Leonards and the noise/dust it's creating, and then when it's finished, more congestion!
- that my guest room is in the attic
- horrible colour of the windows/door frames here (beige)
that aside I love my little sanctuary, and I am looking forward to creating a new sanctuary....and there is so much to look forward to there:
- bigger footprint, especially in the living room
- all 3 bedrooms on the same floor
- longer bath (but the same style) as I have in Sydney
- family and friends close by
- heated towel rail (i think)
- under floor heating in the bathrooms
- the opportunity to decorate - I'm choosing wallpapers as we speak!
- the fact that no-one else will have lived there, so energetically it will be all mine :-)
- the outlook
- the aspect - north mostly, east and west (so basically, sun all day!)
- double glazing on all doors and windows
- top floor
- double garage (may use half of it to set up a treadmill/tv so i can walk when it's raining)
- work only 12 minutes away
- the view - over rooftops and through lovely trees
- is in one of the most beautiful and established suburbs in Canberra
- close to Manuka and Kingston and my fave shops
- has a walk in robe! yes, how cool - have never had one before
- can choose window dressings from scratch
- will have a balcony that i use a lot
- could walk to Mum and Dad's
- Deeks bread (haven't found it in Sydney!)
I'm sure there is more and of course there are things i will miss about Sydney, but I'm looking forward to moving and establishing my life in my home town....
bring on completion and settlement!
books
books
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Monday, August 3, 2015
not in a good place...
you'd think with it being a bank holiday, meaning a day off for me, I'd be good, but I'm not....
won't help that over the weekend I ate both dairy and gluten, had 2 very late nights and am now having to go back to Cbr....meaning work (which mostly I actually enjoy) and an idiot employee who I've allowed to have the power, and not my own place....
I'm in something of a transition - it has not been a good year really - sure, there have been some highlights (i'll reflect on those a bit later to see if will help dislodge the funk I am in) but it's been tough - it's been confronting on many levels and there are times when I feel like I have been traumatised too many times...
suspect I've turned the corner, but I'm still in the very low side of the upward spiral and it doesn't feel good....
so I'm going to do the blurt first, then i'll take time to consider the good....
so, firstly, it's been 12 weeks since I had any contact with Nick - and this is mostly good, but I feel abandoned...I'm sure he has his reasons for not wanting to be in touch anymore and I respect those, but it hurts and occasionally I miss him...although, I'm not sure why! mostly our relationship just hurt me and left me wanting more, but still, probably old habits die hard....
I've had a lot of endings in the last year - and sure a number of them have been my choosing, but a number haven't. the way I left my former employer was not of my choosing, although choosing to leave was....
the idiotic and frankly useless employee I've inherited is just a reminder of the former workplace (in my reactions - and this is a lesson - thank you universe - one I'm taking on and working hard to change and conquer, despite how utterly terrified it has left me at times) and whilst in the long term i'll look back and be thankful the lesson came, I'm tired right now and wish the universe would give me a couple of easy passes
sometimes I miss Leah - our friendship died well over a year ago and I decided nearly a year ago to end it for my own benefit - problem then was I replaced one dysfunctional toxic relationship with another and let myself think Nick could fill that void - wrong! so in a way, ending things with him feels doubly painful as it's not just about him, or Leah for that matter, but probably every bad relationship I've allowed myself to be in because I don't believe I'm good enough...
the new job and the move to the capital (my home town) has been good, but it too has brought things up...and not necessarily bad things, but a realisation that I lived in Sydney for the best part of 24 years with no family here...sure, I've had (and continue to have) some very good friends here, but there's nothing quite like family...it's been lonely - I've been lonely - I am lonely and sure, today isn't a good day and I wasn't feeling like this on Fri or Sat nights content in my own company and my beautiful little home, but today I do...so rather than pretend I'm not, I'm sitting with it - yuk!
I'm sitting with it in my beautiful study - my beautiful study/library, that I redecorated - everything in this room (and every room) is mostly hand picked - from the wall colour (my all time favourite, Tin Cat by dulux) to the beautiful art work - one pastel original from my 2nd visit to Chicago and the beautiful messy colourful original from my parents for my 40th, to the old photos of Coffs and Bellingen to the photo of my Dad...the black and white photo of the bridge in Prague and my books, loads and loads of my books - the crystal light and the laura Ashley lamp - the leather chair with it's big cushion, and the little Swarovski crystal door knobs - all hand chosen, all make me smile
and then I wonder, why don't I do things that make me smile more often? I seem to take life too seriously at times - feeling the pressure to have a good job, earn good money etc etc, but to what end? is this what someone else wants for me or what I want for me? I guess if I knew the answer to that I'd be doing it - and what is the it I hear you say...well, I'm going to write a list of the things I love at the end of this post and perhaps it will inspire me to go after more of that in my life....
honestly, I'm no longer sure....I came to Sydney nearly a quarter of a century ago to make it in the Emerald City - I've done that (in some ways), but really, what I probably always wanted was to fit in, to feel loved and to be happy...not sure, on balance, I feel like I do fit in here? I certainly didn't fit in at my former workplace - and many workplaces before I have also felt like a fish out of water....the capital seems kinder some how, and sure, I said I'd never move back there, but being 22 and wanting it all and being 46 and wanting something entirely different, well, life is just different now....
so yes, life is different - and eventually that will be fine, but right now I'm living in one city and working in another - I feel unsettled and disjointed - like I don't really belong anywhere and that is just an amplified emotion of something I've been experiencing for years but have probably never verbalised...
and funny, there was a time when I thought I would fit right into New York - but I wonder if that's because I thought perhaps I'd be invisible...I'm not sure I want to be invisible but I'm not sure I'm ready yet to be visible - perhaps if I trusted myself more, perhaps if I wasn't so consumed with fear at the moment I might be thinking different...
and sure, the fear is largely because of this employee and her admission that her mental health is impacted by working with me...yep, I can see that at times I've been aggressive with her - I have, and I'm not proud of that - to be fair to me, I've not had good role models and at least I'm now aware of how I sometimes react and am working hard to change it (for that, I deserve one big pat on the back)...but really? what responsibility is she taking for her own situation (and even as I type that I think wow - I'm big on responsibility - she may not be) it's been drummed into me since I was a kid - don't make a fuss, don't create waves, don't stand up for yourself and so I never have...I've been bullied more times than I can poke a stick at and never done anything about it - and I'm not sure that I wish I had, but perhaps I wish I'd recognised the treatment I've put up with as bullying and thought to at least mention it...
she has not been bullied - on a number of occasions I have spoken harshly to her and in an aggressive way - i'll admit that. in my defence it's been when she hasn't been able to do what I consider to be a simple task properly causing me more work during a time of already high stress - that said, my reaction to incompetence is something I'm not proud of - I become indignant (at times), rude (sometimes) and aggressive (sometimes)....and sure, I can have my reaction in my head, but it spills over and out...and ironically the only person who truly suffers is me as I beat myself for an age after it happens...
well right at the moment, my mental health is impacted too - the trauma of how I left my last workplace is still raw, and sure it's been 6 months this week and I'm starting to feel lighter...but it's there and I take this stuff to heart...
I'm so afraid I'm going to be found out to be not perfect - and you probably read that and think, who needs to be perfect - and yes, I agree, but unfortunately as a kid, if I wasn't, life wasn't much fun...the expectations on me were high and consequently I have high expectations of myself and those around me - I wish I didn't - some days I wish I would be happy with it's just enough, but I'm not....
so a couple of things I need to work on:
- accepting that I'm not perfect and that's ok
- accepting that not everyone considers responsibility in the way I do
- that talking up is not making waves or being high maintenance
- that life is supposed to be more joyful
- that the only person I really need to answer to is myself (thank you voices in the head - be quiet!)
- identifying when is enough? I think there is some deep seeded idea that I need to keep doing this but really I just want to get off the treadmill and live an easier life (plenty of other people who have way less than me are way happier!)
see this is the downside of not blogging as much - it tends to come out in a rant - a diatribe like rant which in time, when I re-read, will probably not give much insight, but as I sit here now, I do feel WAY better than when I started writing....
so I'm going to close this one off and start another with a list of things that make me happy and then i'll do the list VBS and SJ would like me to do - re the man!
ciao ciao x
won't help that over the weekend I ate both dairy and gluten, had 2 very late nights and am now having to go back to Cbr....meaning work (which mostly I actually enjoy) and an idiot employee who I've allowed to have the power, and not my own place....
I'm in something of a transition - it has not been a good year really - sure, there have been some highlights (i'll reflect on those a bit later to see if will help dislodge the funk I am in) but it's been tough - it's been confronting on many levels and there are times when I feel like I have been traumatised too many times...
suspect I've turned the corner, but I'm still in the very low side of the upward spiral and it doesn't feel good....
so I'm going to do the blurt first, then i'll take time to consider the good....
so, firstly, it's been 12 weeks since I had any contact with Nick - and this is mostly good, but I feel abandoned...I'm sure he has his reasons for not wanting to be in touch anymore and I respect those, but it hurts and occasionally I miss him...although, I'm not sure why! mostly our relationship just hurt me and left me wanting more, but still, probably old habits die hard....
I've had a lot of endings in the last year - and sure a number of them have been my choosing, but a number haven't. the way I left my former employer was not of my choosing, although choosing to leave was....
the idiotic and frankly useless employee I've inherited is just a reminder of the former workplace (in my reactions - and this is a lesson - thank you universe - one I'm taking on and working hard to change and conquer, despite how utterly terrified it has left me at times) and whilst in the long term i'll look back and be thankful the lesson came, I'm tired right now and wish the universe would give me a couple of easy passes
sometimes I miss Leah - our friendship died well over a year ago and I decided nearly a year ago to end it for my own benefit - problem then was I replaced one dysfunctional toxic relationship with another and let myself think Nick could fill that void - wrong! so in a way, ending things with him feels doubly painful as it's not just about him, or Leah for that matter, but probably every bad relationship I've allowed myself to be in because I don't believe I'm good enough...
the new job and the move to the capital (my home town) has been good, but it too has brought things up...and not necessarily bad things, but a realisation that I lived in Sydney for the best part of 24 years with no family here...sure, I've had (and continue to have) some very good friends here, but there's nothing quite like family...it's been lonely - I've been lonely - I am lonely and sure, today isn't a good day and I wasn't feeling like this on Fri or Sat nights content in my own company and my beautiful little home, but today I do...so rather than pretend I'm not, I'm sitting with it - yuk!
I'm sitting with it in my beautiful study - my beautiful study/library, that I redecorated - everything in this room (and every room) is mostly hand picked - from the wall colour (my all time favourite, Tin Cat by dulux) to the beautiful art work - one pastel original from my 2nd visit to Chicago and the beautiful messy colourful original from my parents for my 40th, to the old photos of Coffs and Bellingen to the photo of my Dad...the black and white photo of the bridge in Prague and my books, loads and loads of my books - the crystal light and the laura Ashley lamp - the leather chair with it's big cushion, and the little Swarovski crystal door knobs - all hand chosen, all make me smile
and then I wonder, why don't I do things that make me smile more often? I seem to take life too seriously at times - feeling the pressure to have a good job, earn good money etc etc, but to what end? is this what someone else wants for me or what I want for me? I guess if I knew the answer to that I'd be doing it - and what is the it I hear you say...well, I'm going to write a list of the things I love at the end of this post and perhaps it will inspire me to go after more of that in my life....
honestly, I'm no longer sure....I came to Sydney nearly a quarter of a century ago to make it in the Emerald City - I've done that (in some ways), but really, what I probably always wanted was to fit in, to feel loved and to be happy...not sure, on balance, I feel like I do fit in here? I certainly didn't fit in at my former workplace - and many workplaces before I have also felt like a fish out of water....the capital seems kinder some how, and sure, I said I'd never move back there, but being 22 and wanting it all and being 46 and wanting something entirely different, well, life is just different now....
so yes, life is different - and eventually that will be fine, but right now I'm living in one city and working in another - I feel unsettled and disjointed - like I don't really belong anywhere and that is just an amplified emotion of something I've been experiencing for years but have probably never verbalised...
and funny, there was a time when I thought I would fit right into New York - but I wonder if that's because I thought perhaps I'd be invisible...I'm not sure I want to be invisible but I'm not sure I'm ready yet to be visible - perhaps if I trusted myself more, perhaps if I wasn't so consumed with fear at the moment I might be thinking different...
and sure, the fear is largely because of this employee and her admission that her mental health is impacted by working with me...yep, I can see that at times I've been aggressive with her - I have, and I'm not proud of that - to be fair to me, I've not had good role models and at least I'm now aware of how I sometimes react and am working hard to change it (for that, I deserve one big pat on the back)...but really? what responsibility is she taking for her own situation (and even as I type that I think wow - I'm big on responsibility - she may not be) it's been drummed into me since I was a kid - don't make a fuss, don't create waves, don't stand up for yourself and so I never have...I've been bullied more times than I can poke a stick at and never done anything about it - and I'm not sure that I wish I had, but perhaps I wish I'd recognised the treatment I've put up with as bullying and thought to at least mention it...
she has not been bullied - on a number of occasions I have spoken harshly to her and in an aggressive way - i'll admit that. in my defence it's been when she hasn't been able to do what I consider to be a simple task properly causing me more work during a time of already high stress - that said, my reaction to incompetence is something I'm not proud of - I become indignant (at times), rude (sometimes) and aggressive (sometimes)....and sure, I can have my reaction in my head, but it spills over and out...and ironically the only person who truly suffers is me as I beat myself for an age after it happens...
well right at the moment, my mental health is impacted too - the trauma of how I left my last workplace is still raw, and sure it's been 6 months this week and I'm starting to feel lighter...but it's there and I take this stuff to heart...
I'm so afraid I'm going to be found out to be not perfect - and you probably read that and think, who needs to be perfect - and yes, I agree, but unfortunately as a kid, if I wasn't, life wasn't much fun...the expectations on me were high and consequently I have high expectations of myself and those around me - I wish I didn't - some days I wish I would be happy with it's just enough, but I'm not....
so a couple of things I need to work on:
- accepting that I'm not perfect and that's ok
- accepting that not everyone considers responsibility in the way I do
- that talking up is not making waves or being high maintenance
- that life is supposed to be more joyful
- that the only person I really need to answer to is myself (thank you voices in the head - be quiet!)
- identifying when is enough? I think there is some deep seeded idea that I need to keep doing this but really I just want to get off the treadmill and live an easier life (plenty of other people who have way less than me are way happier!)
see this is the downside of not blogging as much - it tends to come out in a rant - a diatribe like rant which in time, when I re-read, will probably not give much insight, but as I sit here now, I do feel WAY better than when I started writing....
so I'm going to close this one off and start another with a list of things that make me happy and then i'll do the list VBS and SJ would like me to do - re the man!
ciao ciao x
Saturday, July 11, 2015
directionless...
so, the last few days has been kinda stressful - filled with fear and a healthy dose of self loathing and of course the shame...
this isn't helped by the perfectionist in me, but she is a big part of why I'm in the situation I'm in
and how would I categorise that? well, basically a staff member I deem to be incompetent and did not choose, has raised concerns about my behaviour towards her...
and hand on heart, being as honest as I can be, she has good reason to, notwithstanding that a big part of the frustration I've let spill over into my conversations with her, is because of her...
however, I'm her boss, I'm supposed to be better equipped to deal with that - yes! and true, I should also be supported, which I have not been..
anyway, reasons and excuses aside it has left me filled with fear and back in a familiar thinking pattern of wondering how I can escape :-(
it hasn't been a good few days, but on the other hand, it's been one where I've had to confront a number of things which have been issues my whole life and in today's era of industrial relations, I need to make some changes...
it's funny, if it were a manager/staff member I were helping with this, I'd be telling them not to beat themselves up and to ask for help and find support...I'd also be looking at whether they'd ever had any formal training...
well of course when I look at myself - I've had no formal training, bugger all good role models (both in my personal and work life) and I try and fix everything myself...
so I'm going to ask my boss if he'll consider a coach for me and then perhaps i'll get some traction on this...
the issues are deep and compounded...they start with my relationship with my mother and how she deals with things - she was for many years the role model (she's reactive and I've developed that...), the sexual assault by my so called best friend has left me not able to trust anyone, the need for approval has driven an absolute unspoken commitment to perfection and an irrational fear of failure - I've hidden behind this as a manager by describing myself as tough but fair, but I've realised that the support and compassion I'd like when I'm not perfect, isn't what I offer to staff I've already assumed are incompetent...
so, not a great place to be but at least I'm aware, and I'm willing to change, I'm willing to ask for help and admit I'm not perfect...
but the fear remains....and honestly, that's left me wondering whether I should just run away...I won't, but it is tempting...
and of course, I'm now pretty sure, after this contract ends on 26 April 2018, i'll walk away from corporate life...
it's just not for me - sure, I'm good at many many elements of it, but right now I'm in the midst of a huge confidence crisis and questioning whether I'm a good manager....
so, what am I going to do:
- firstly, I'm going to try and breathe
- I'm going to try and understand my triggers
- I'm going to treat the said employee with compassion and work hard on containing frustration at work - surely there is a constructive way to deal with stuff (not in her case as it's pretty much due to 3 things: a) her ESL issue which means I need to rewrite every piece of work she does b) I have made no personal connection with her as all she does is work and go home so there seems to be no point of connection (this rarely if ever happens to me) and c) I have written her off, so in my mind there is no coming back and this merely adds to my frustration...
so from Monday I'm going to do a reframe:
a) treat her with compassion (try and remember everyone is fighting their own battle and doing their best)
b) remember she will be leaving in September
c) use the time as a learning exercise in working out how to manage frustration at work
d) being grateful to the universe that this learning has presented itself; and
e) try not to live in fear the whole time...
I hate that I'm still so afraid of what my parents would say if things went pear shaped and also my Uncle following the awful conversation I had with him on 6 March (where he basically told me my life was a mess)....
ok, bed is calling...nite!
ps it was called directionless coz that's how I feel - I feel like my life has no direction and is going nowhere, and I wish I could find the courage to just walk away and do what I want...more to follow on that!
this isn't helped by the perfectionist in me, but she is a big part of why I'm in the situation I'm in
and how would I categorise that? well, basically a staff member I deem to be incompetent and did not choose, has raised concerns about my behaviour towards her...
and hand on heart, being as honest as I can be, she has good reason to, notwithstanding that a big part of the frustration I've let spill over into my conversations with her, is because of her...
however, I'm her boss, I'm supposed to be better equipped to deal with that - yes! and true, I should also be supported, which I have not been..
anyway, reasons and excuses aside it has left me filled with fear and back in a familiar thinking pattern of wondering how I can escape :-(
it hasn't been a good few days, but on the other hand, it's been one where I've had to confront a number of things which have been issues my whole life and in today's era of industrial relations, I need to make some changes...
it's funny, if it were a manager/staff member I were helping with this, I'd be telling them not to beat themselves up and to ask for help and find support...I'd also be looking at whether they'd ever had any formal training...
well of course when I look at myself - I've had no formal training, bugger all good role models (both in my personal and work life) and I try and fix everything myself...
so I'm going to ask my boss if he'll consider a coach for me and then perhaps i'll get some traction on this...
the issues are deep and compounded...they start with my relationship with my mother and how she deals with things - she was for many years the role model (she's reactive and I've developed that...), the sexual assault by my so called best friend has left me not able to trust anyone, the need for approval has driven an absolute unspoken commitment to perfection and an irrational fear of failure - I've hidden behind this as a manager by describing myself as tough but fair, but I've realised that the support and compassion I'd like when I'm not perfect, isn't what I offer to staff I've already assumed are incompetent...
so, not a great place to be but at least I'm aware, and I'm willing to change, I'm willing to ask for help and admit I'm not perfect...
but the fear remains....and honestly, that's left me wondering whether I should just run away...I won't, but it is tempting...
and of course, I'm now pretty sure, after this contract ends on 26 April 2018, i'll walk away from corporate life...
it's just not for me - sure, I'm good at many many elements of it, but right now I'm in the midst of a huge confidence crisis and questioning whether I'm a good manager....
so, what am I going to do:
- firstly, I'm going to try and breathe
- I'm going to try and understand my triggers
- I'm going to treat the said employee with compassion and work hard on containing frustration at work - surely there is a constructive way to deal with stuff (not in her case as it's pretty much due to 3 things: a) her ESL issue which means I need to rewrite every piece of work she does b) I have made no personal connection with her as all she does is work and go home so there seems to be no point of connection (this rarely if ever happens to me) and c) I have written her off, so in my mind there is no coming back and this merely adds to my frustration...
so from Monday I'm going to do a reframe:
a) treat her with compassion (try and remember everyone is fighting their own battle and doing their best)
b) remember she will be leaving in September
c) use the time as a learning exercise in working out how to manage frustration at work
d) being grateful to the universe that this learning has presented itself; and
e) try not to live in fear the whole time...
I hate that I'm still so afraid of what my parents would say if things went pear shaped and also my Uncle following the awful conversation I had with him on 6 March (where he basically told me my life was a mess)....
ok, bed is calling...nite!
ps it was called directionless coz that's how I feel - I feel like my life has no direction and is going nowhere, and I wish I could find the courage to just walk away and do what I want...more to follow on that!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
compassion in the face of incompetence....
so, today marks just about the end of week 11 in my new job! it's a big job, it's a good job, it's a challenging job, there are elements (like all jobs) which are crap, there are some great people, there are some people I don't care for much, and then there's the fact that my own inability to check myself when frustrated with incompetence or needing to constantly redo someone else's work has landed me in a conversation with someone where they use the words 'mental health'...
seriously! I don't know if I'm too much of a perfectionist or not assertive enough, or rather, that I'm just too damn resilient, but seriously....
and sure, I do have high expectations, and yes, there has been a lot of pressure of late, but really?
this is someone who is on the one hand applying for more senior/key roles in my team and on the other telling me she doesn't like working with me...but she did mention she needed the money as the reason she stays! really?
a part of me wants to fall in a heap and cry, the experience of that former workplace not yet sufficiently dim enough
another part of me wants to shake her and say look in the fucking mirror
another part of me has gone to that place of fear - you know that one? I'm not a good person, I'm going to be fired etc. etc.
and another part of me, perhaps the grown up says 'ok, this isn't the first time you've found yourself here, maybe it's a lesson....what you need to do is find a way to demonstrate compassion in the face of incompetence'
I talked to a very small handful of good and trusted friends (none of them at the work place) - one thinks I should terminate her contract immediately and his words 'don't be afraid of a claim'...good advice, sort of advice I'd give someone in this situation
another said she's positioning for a claim, can't you just terminate her now? also good advice
but a small part of me, knows that I'm responsible for some of this situation - not the incompetence, but my reaction to it - yep, that's all mine, and my 46 years of history and stuff seems to come along for the ride
I know that the lessons keep coming until you conquer them, and this is a big one for me and I suspect much like an onion, there are layers upon layers upon layers...
my experiences at work and how I've been treated certainly won't be helping - I've had some pretty shabby bosses throughout my working life (I had typed career, but I'm not sure it is - mostly I feel like I've done what I've done out of necessity) and one of my bosses in particular was so awful and disempowering that I'm beginning to wonder if I have become a bit like that at times...
that's such an awful thought, and true, it's absolutely not my intention, but intention is so irrelevant in this case....
so I think the opportunity has arisen to peel this onion, to uncover the layers, some hidden, some more apparent, that are driving this sort of behaviour...
fear, yep
the need to be perfect, yep, that's in the mix too
so, my quest to find compassion in the face of incompetence starts here.....
seriously! I don't know if I'm too much of a perfectionist or not assertive enough, or rather, that I'm just too damn resilient, but seriously....
and sure, I do have high expectations, and yes, there has been a lot of pressure of late, but really?
this is someone who is on the one hand applying for more senior/key roles in my team and on the other telling me she doesn't like working with me...but she did mention she needed the money as the reason she stays! really?
a part of me wants to fall in a heap and cry, the experience of that former workplace not yet sufficiently dim enough
another part of me wants to shake her and say look in the fucking mirror
another part of me has gone to that place of fear - you know that one? I'm not a good person, I'm going to be fired etc. etc.
and another part of me, perhaps the grown up says 'ok, this isn't the first time you've found yourself here, maybe it's a lesson....what you need to do is find a way to demonstrate compassion in the face of incompetence'
I talked to a very small handful of good and trusted friends (none of them at the work place) - one thinks I should terminate her contract immediately and his words 'don't be afraid of a claim'...good advice, sort of advice I'd give someone in this situation
another said she's positioning for a claim, can't you just terminate her now? also good advice
but a small part of me, knows that I'm responsible for some of this situation - not the incompetence, but my reaction to it - yep, that's all mine, and my 46 years of history and stuff seems to come along for the ride
I know that the lessons keep coming until you conquer them, and this is a big one for me and I suspect much like an onion, there are layers upon layers upon layers...
my experiences at work and how I've been treated certainly won't be helping - I've had some pretty shabby bosses throughout my working life (I had typed career, but I'm not sure it is - mostly I feel like I've done what I've done out of necessity) and one of my bosses in particular was so awful and disempowering that I'm beginning to wonder if I have become a bit like that at times...
that's such an awful thought, and true, it's absolutely not my intention, but intention is so irrelevant in this case....
so I think the opportunity has arisen to peel this onion, to uncover the layers, some hidden, some more apparent, that are driving this sort of behaviour...
fear, yep
the need to be perfect, yep, that's in the mix too
so, my quest to find compassion in the face of incompetence starts here.....
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
hmmmm
so ahead of starting a new job, I'm not sure you need a peer (who was on the interview panel) to tell you that 'you almost lost us early on'....referring to the interview! now, to be honest, I actually knew that - I was asked a question to which I could have given a 2 minute overview, but I told more of a story, and thankfully, I picked up, that they looked ready to move on....I was nervous - it was a 3 on 1 situation for a job I really wanted - and with someone I thought may know my former boss....also I wasn't feeling well on the day, but really, shouldn't someone really say that? and true, I did say to him that I thought I hadn't gone so well with the other colleague (the legal person) who I knew it was important to get on board due to her tenure and close working relationship with my would be boss...
so, it's not necessarily rattled me, but I wonder if it would be better if he hadn't said it....on the other hand, I started the conversation....
anyway, to remember is the fact that he said to me 'you were my choice from the start' - this is good Sarah - remember this - not the negative - gotta love our reptilian brains that seem to hear the negative even when there is positive! and more positive is that he took time out to meet with me and share with me some of his experiences of settling in there - both of us being non government types - but he also said something else - and given he's met me for the sum total of 90 minutes, 65 minutes which was an interview, and the other time to sign my contract - he said 'you may have to change those characteristics'...
I don't know which characteristics he was referring to - but really? do we now say this informally to a colleague about to start a new job in a big role? I think we don't, but maybe that's why he's in charge of $ and not people!
anyway, I'm going to try and put that behind me and remember that the purpose of the meeting was for him to share some of his views with me - they were interesting and I sense he's had difficulty influencing certain people, but he did provide some very good tips, which i'll take on board :-)
so, hmmmm is the only way I can categorise it, but I'm spurred to now write my list - the list of 'how I want people to experience me' and that will become my aspirational Sarah - must say, it's difficult to imagine a workplace that won't be like the last one (toxic, thankless, focussed on $ only etc) but I'm so hopeful it will be different....:-)
ok, onto bigger and better things, like my list....!
so, it's not necessarily rattled me, but I wonder if it would be better if he hadn't said it....on the other hand, I started the conversation....
anyway, to remember is the fact that he said to me 'you were my choice from the start' - this is good Sarah - remember this - not the negative - gotta love our reptilian brains that seem to hear the negative even when there is positive! and more positive is that he took time out to meet with me and share with me some of his experiences of settling in there - both of us being non government types - but he also said something else - and given he's met me for the sum total of 90 minutes, 65 minutes which was an interview, and the other time to sign my contract - he said 'you may have to change those characteristics'...
I don't know which characteristics he was referring to - but really? do we now say this informally to a colleague about to start a new job in a big role? I think we don't, but maybe that's why he's in charge of $ and not people!
anyway, I'm going to try and put that behind me and remember that the purpose of the meeting was for him to share some of his views with me - they were interesting and I sense he's had difficulty influencing certain people, but he did provide some very good tips, which i'll take on board :-)
so, hmmmm is the only way I can categorise it, but I'm spurred to now write my list - the list of 'how I want people to experience me' and that will become my aspirational Sarah - must say, it's difficult to imagine a workplace that won't be like the last one (toxic, thankless, focussed on $ only etc) but I'm so hopeful it will be different....:-)
ok, onto bigger and better things, like my list....!
Wednesday, April 1, 2015
too long between drinks....
it's true, it has been too long between drinks, and yes, I know that I almost always feel better after posting, but I haven't been able to bring myself to sit down and write about what's been happening...
I know in days, years to come, i'll look back on this time and it won't hurt so much, or I won't feel so ashamed, but right now, it's still pretty raw and some days it's all too much...
on the plus side, other days are simply lovely and it's nice to be free of a workplace which wasn't good for me...
so, where to start? I'm not one for linear, so I'm not going to start at the beginning - I want to focus on where I'm at right now (yes, yes I know, it's the counsellor in me!)...
so today - firstly, I had my hair cut and I think it's too short - yep, seems minor, but my hair is very important to my self esteem and how I feel about myself - oh well, guess it'll grow and to be fair to my fabulous hairdresser, she usually does an amazing job, and I did ask for her to cut it shorter...sigh...
so, since I left my place of work my Mum had a heart attack and has had 2 surgeries to install 2 steints - these seem (fingers crossed) to have been successful but of course both she and my Dad are now incredibly stressed, and me too....and my Dad then tells us he's been lightheaded a few times so now he's in for tests too...OMG!
one positive of not working has been being able to spend more time with them in Canberra, and for that I'm very grateful....
ok, so today! so today, amidst negotiations re this job - the job I really want, the one they think I'm perfect for, the agent tells me that having done 3 references and the 4th tomorrow, the would be boss wants to talk to my former boss...
imagine my reaction - internally I just died :-( I've been quite open with the agent about why I left (did what I set out to do, needed a new challenge, was tired, tough environment etc etc - basically as much as I could say without breaching the deed - yes, another story).....she's on my side and thinks talking to my 4th referee (the most senior and the one who knows the chairman) might enable her to cut that off at the pass - but seriously! as if i'll get the role if they talk to her - on the other hand, she is bound by the deed also, and really can't say anything at all and I've mentioned to the agent that she doesn't give references so in a way it would back that story up....
anyway, I think I just need to not panic about it - reality is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now - if he wants to call K, he will.....fact is I resigned, we agreed to an immediate departure and that's all she can say.....
so why do I feel so anxious? and I do feel anxious - the last 5 days or so has been hideous - and I should be happy right? they've verbally offered me a great job, we've agreed $ (with a few minor things to iron out), and yet still, 10 days later, I don't have a written offer...
yes, I feel stressed because there is too much uncertainty in my life right now - nothing is secure or solid, and I'm really not coping well with that....I want this job, I'm right for this job, it means more time with Mum and Dad and a big change (which is probably needed)....and the thought (and it is only a thought) that 'she' could get in the way of that really annoys me...
sure, they want to ask her what I'm like, but who's asking me what she's like? nobody frankly, and yes, agent admits she has a reputation, but still, the would be boss may want to talk to her....
not happy jan! but I'm going to have to just put it behind me....nothing more I can do now but hope that it comes off...
and if it doesn't, then I'm certain it's the universe's way of making sure I'm not there....
nite
x
I know in days, years to come, i'll look back on this time and it won't hurt so much, or I won't feel so ashamed, but right now, it's still pretty raw and some days it's all too much...
on the plus side, other days are simply lovely and it's nice to be free of a workplace which wasn't good for me...
so, where to start? I'm not one for linear, so I'm not going to start at the beginning - I want to focus on where I'm at right now (yes, yes I know, it's the counsellor in me!)...
so today - firstly, I had my hair cut and I think it's too short - yep, seems minor, but my hair is very important to my self esteem and how I feel about myself - oh well, guess it'll grow and to be fair to my fabulous hairdresser, she usually does an amazing job, and I did ask for her to cut it shorter...sigh...
so, since I left my place of work my Mum had a heart attack and has had 2 surgeries to install 2 steints - these seem (fingers crossed) to have been successful but of course both she and my Dad are now incredibly stressed, and me too....and my Dad then tells us he's been lightheaded a few times so now he's in for tests too...OMG!
one positive of not working has been being able to spend more time with them in Canberra, and for that I'm very grateful....
ok, so today! so today, amidst negotiations re this job - the job I really want, the one they think I'm perfect for, the agent tells me that having done 3 references and the 4th tomorrow, the would be boss wants to talk to my former boss...
imagine my reaction - internally I just died :-( I've been quite open with the agent about why I left (did what I set out to do, needed a new challenge, was tired, tough environment etc etc - basically as much as I could say without breaching the deed - yes, another story).....she's on my side and thinks talking to my 4th referee (the most senior and the one who knows the chairman) might enable her to cut that off at the pass - but seriously! as if i'll get the role if they talk to her - on the other hand, she is bound by the deed also, and really can't say anything at all and I've mentioned to the agent that she doesn't give references so in a way it would back that story up....
anyway, I think I just need to not panic about it - reality is there is absolutely nothing I can do about it now - if he wants to call K, he will.....fact is I resigned, we agreed to an immediate departure and that's all she can say.....
so why do I feel so anxious? and I do feel anxious - the last 5 days or so has been hideous - and I should be happy right? they've verbally offered me a great job, we've agreed $ (with a few minor things to iron out), and yet still, 10 days later, I don't have a written offer...
yes, I feel stressed because there is too much uncertainty in my life right now - nothing is secure or solid, and I'm really not coping well with that....I want this job, I'm right for this job, it means more time with Mum and Dad and a big change (which is probably needed)....and the thought (and it is only a thought) that 'she' could get in the way of that really annoys me...
sure, they want to ask her what I'm like, but who's asking me what she's like? nobody frankly, and yes, agent admits she has a reputation, but still, the would be boss may want to talk to her....
not happy jan! but I'm going to have to just put it behind me....nothing more I can do now but hope that it comes off...
and if it doesn't, then I'm certain it's the universe's way of making sure I'm not there....
nite
x
Monday, January 26, 2015
mixed bag on our national holiday...
so, today is Australia Day and as I type this I realise it's 5 years ago today that I decided to call things quits with Ben...one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, but certainly the right one, and his recent attempts to get in touch have re-affirmed that....loved him, don't regret our time together, but do regret that I let his needs drown mine out and that I lost 'Sarah' in the time we were together...you live, and you learn though right!
so it's been a mixed bag this weekend - crap day at work Friday (just felt emotional and drained and scared, yes scared, I really am going to have to talk about that!)......FC very nice Friday night - checked in to see how I was and we spoke for nearly 2 hours...a couple of random texts Sat night, but now of course, nothing for 2 days, and admittedly, I haven't contacted him, but still...
had a bit of a realisation when talking to Sara about him as she remembers how much he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone from work, and of course, I am, for now at least, still at the same workplace as him....but not for much longer, and I wonder if that will change anything at all between us?
I'm trying not to catastrophise re the work situation - she won't lob in a bullying claim (as there simply isn't any truth to it), but am now thinking she could lob in a constructive dismissal claim if she ends up resigning but anyway, I'm trying not to think about what could be, instead focussing on what's happening now...
fear is the driver here though - what if I don't get my bonus, what if she tells my boss I call the new CFO CC, what if I lose my job etc etc...
basically, a shithouse place to be.....
hence, it's a mixed bag!
so it's been a mixed bag this weekend - crap day at work Friday (just felt emotional and drained and scared, yes scared, I really am going to have to talk about that!)......FC very nice Friday night - checked in to see how I was and we spoke for nearly 2 hours...a couple of random texts Sat night, but now of course, nothing for 2 days, and admittedly, I haven't contacted him, but still...
had a bit of a realisation when talking to Sara about him as she remembers how much he didn't want to be in a relationship with someone from work, and of course, I am, for now at least, still at the same workplace as him....but not for much longer, and I wonder if that will change anything at all between us?
I'm trying not to catastrophise re the work situation - she won't lob in a bullying claim (as there simply isn't any truth to it), but am now thinking she could lob in a constructive dismissal claim if she ends up resigning but anyway, I'm trying not to think about what could be, instead focussing on what's happening now...
fear is the driver here though - what if I don't get my bonus, what if she tells my boss I call the new CFO CC, what if I lose my job etc etc...
basically, a shithouse place to be.....
hence, it's a mixed bag!
Sunday, January 18, 2015
it's been a tough
week at work and a week where I have realised why so many managers don't pursue formal performance management with under performing staff....
so since I returned to work in early December, there have been constant issues and many many instances of underperformance by my PA
on 18 Dec, I sat her down to take her through a few of my concerns - we spent a good deal of time talking about how she was, as I had sensed she wasn't happy - I asked her if she was ok, but I get the usual answer - tears and some other excuse...so I went through the concerns I had and she did her usual thing, more tears, takes a few notes, and then I ask what I can do to support her...nothing! this has been ongoing for months - she never provides any useful feedback when I ask this question....
so then on mon 12 jan, I let her know that on 14 jan we'll be having a formal meeting to discuss the concerns I have with her performance - she says to me 'shall I just quit now' - I have to tell you it took all my willpower not to just say 'sure, do that, would be easier for both of us'...but of course, I didn't - instead I said that the meeting would be for me to put my concerns to her, for her to have an opportunity to respond etc....
but this is one of the issues - she is beyond dense and rarely, if ever, joins the dots! having worked in HR for nearly a year you would think she'd heard enough about these meetings and how we do them, to know she'd get a right of reply...
but instead, she cried, got a bit personal (having been rude to me on both Tues and Wed), and then took Thursday and Friday off saying she was suffering work related stress - seriously!
and I sense, although I could be wrong, and universe, please please please work with me here, that she's going to lob in a bullying claim which means I have to go through the indignity of another fucking investigation for something I haven't done.....
funny that she's never raised any concerns until such time as she's on notice that she isn't performing! fucking typical....I always ask how she is in our meetings, and always ask what I can do to support her - she's never been honest with me, and now we are here....
and it's potentially my reputation on the line in an environment where I question the support I would get from my boss, although my team have been great....
but I can tell you - it makes me a) never want to do performance management again b) have more empathy for managers c) makes me want to leave there more than I already did before and d) get a job which has no people reporting into it! it's just too fucking hard and all the cards are stacked in the employees favour....
so, this could well be the evening of my HR career, and mainly coz, I'm just no longer enjoying it....
bit of spread sheet work will help me see when the end is in sight! right now I'm planning to 'pull the pin' on 7 April.....
we'll see!
so since I returned to work in early December, there have been constant issues and many many instances of underperformance by my PA
on 18 Dec, I sat her down to take her through a few of my concerns - we spent a good deal of time talking about how she was, as I had sensed she wasn't happy - I asked her if she was ok, but I get the usual answer - tears and some other excuse...so I went through the concerns I had and she did her usual thing, more tears, takes a few notes, and then I ask what I can do to support her...nothing! this has been ongoing for months - she never provides any useful feedback when I ask this question....
so then on mon 12 jan, I let her know that on 14 jan we'll be having a formal meeting to discuss the concerns I have with her performance - she says to me 'shall I just quit now' - I have to tell you it took all my willpower not to just say 'sure, do that, would be easier for both of us'...but of course, I didn't - instead I said that the meeting would be for me to put my concerns to her, for her to have an opportunity to respond etc....
but this is one of the issues - she is beyond dense and rarely, if ever, joins the dots! having worked in HR for nearly a year you would think she'd heard enough about these meetings and how we do them, to know she'd get a right of reply...
but instead, she cried, got a bit personal (having been rude to me on both Tues and Wed), and then took Thursday and Friday off saying she was suffering work related stress - seriously!
and I sense, although I could be wrong, and universe, please please please work with me here, that she's going to lob in a bullying claim which means I have to go through the indignity of another fucking investigation for something I haven't done.....
funny that she's never raised any concerns until such time as she's on notice that she isn't performing! fucking typical....I always ask how she is in our meetings, and always ask what I can do to support her - she's never been honest with me, and now we are here....
and it's potentially my reputation on the line in an environment where I question the support I would get from my boss, although my team have been great....
but I can tell you - it makes me a) never want to do performance management again b) have more empathy for managers c) makes me want to leave there more than I already did before and d) get a job which has no people reporting into it! it's just too fucking hard and all the cards are stacked in the employees favour....
so, this could well be the evening of my HR career, and mainly coz, I'm just no longer enjoying it....
bit of spread sheet work will help me see when the end is in sight! right now I'm planning to 'pull the pin' on 7 April.....
we'll see!
Sunday, January 11, 2015
dinner with FC....
didn't think I'd be writing a post about that, let alone doing it...
wonders will never happen!
around 5pm he started texting me today and we got into a discussion I didn't think we needed to have again (something work related which I've already apologised for) so I tell him a) I thought we weren't rehashing it and b) wasn't doing by text
he said couldn't call so I just let it go (or tried, if I'm being perfectly honest)....
then I get a text asking me if I'd like to go there for dinner - he hasn't cooked for me before (he has actually), even though it might be weird of him to ask me.....
bizarre! of course he was cooking risotto, which was 'our' thing to cook when we were together....
so, I went! I hadn't worked out what to do for dinner, had been on couch most of day and figured if we were going to rehash the issue, better face to face...
he's always a bit awkward when i'm there (or maybe i'm awkward? - nope, it was him) which I find kind of endearing....the risotto was actually nice (although not a patch on mine, but still, very nice and lovely that someone else cooked for me), and we spent an easy 3 hours together...
funny when you go with no expectations, how much nicer things are...!
anyway, nothing really, just wanted to note it...
nite x
wonders will never happen!
around 5pm he started texting me today and we got into a discussion I didn't think we needed to have again (something work related which I've already apologised for) so I tell him a) I thought we weren't rehashing it and b) wasn't doing by text
he said couldn't call so I just let it go (or tried, if I'm being perfectly honest)....
then I get a text asking me if I'd like to go there for dinner - he hasn't cooked for me before (he has actually), even though it might be weird of him to ask me.....
bizarre! of course he was cooking risotto, which was 'our' thing to cook when we were together....
so, I went! I hadn't worked out what to do for dinner, had been on couch most of day and figured if we were going to rehash the issue, better face to face...
he's always a bit awkward when i'm there (or maybe i'm awkward? - nope, it was him) which I find kind of endearing....the risotto was actually nice (although not a patch on mine, but still, very nice and lovely that someone else cooked for me), and we spent an easy 3 hours together...
funny when you go with no expectations, how much nicer things are...!
anyway, nothing really, just wanted to note it...
nite x
Friday, January 9, 2015
on the eve of my 46th birthday....
yep, 46! can you believe it? i can't....
on the eve of my 46th birthday and the start of my 47th year, I feel pretty good (bar the hideous itchy arms that is)...
the lead up to Christmas, new year and then my birthday is, and this year hasn't been any different, a time of reflection and often sadness for me as I approach yet another 'holiday season' single and wondering how that can be...
and so whilst I had a lovely xmas (Mum and Dad came to mine for the first time), a great Boxing Day with family/friends and of course some cricket, a nice NYE with Sara and her parents, the days in between were pretty bleak...
the decision to trust someone at work who then tried to get between FC and I created a lot of unnecessary stress for me (now resolved) and I think started the spiral...
altho admittedly, I had been flat for a few days in the lead up to that....
but as I approach the big birthday tomorrow, and a lovely lunch with some of my girlfriends to look forward to, I feel good
content, but determined to change some things, grateful for so much and for so many lovely people in my life, and even though I desperately want a new job, I'm thankful I have a well paying job that mostly I enjoy, and which allows me to live the life I want to live...
I'm grateful for my sister - following our chat last night where I blubbed, I actually feel much better! and I realised that sometimes the best way to deal with whatever is troubling us is to have someone witness it, share it....
so as I turn in on my final night of being 45, sure life ain't exactly where I may have hoped it would be, but it's still pretty good...
ps things with FC and I are always going to be more than friends but less than something special, but one thing I really like about him is that he doesn't hold a grudge - he deals with it and moves on and I think I could learn that from him!
on the eve of my 46th birthday and the start of my 47th year, I feel pretty good (bar the hideous itchy arms that is)...
the lead up to Christmas, new year and then my birthday is, and this year hasn't been any different, a time of reflection and often sadness for me as I approach yet another 'holiday season' single and wondering how that can be...
and so whilst I had a lovely xmas (Mum and Dad came to mine for the first time), a great Boxing Day with family/friends and of course some cricket, a nice NYE with Sara and her parents, the days in between were pretty bleak...
the decision to trust someone at work who then tried to get between FC and I created a lot of unnecessary stress for me (now resolved) and I think started the spiral...
altho admittedly, I had been flat for a few days in the lead up to that....
but as I approach the big birthday tomorrow, and a lovely lunch with some of my girlfriends to look forward to, I feel good
content, but determined to change some things, grateful for so much and for so many lovely people in my life, and even though I desperately want a new job, I'm thankful I have a well paying job that mostly I enjoy, and which allows me to live the life I want to live...
I'm grateful for my sister - following our chat last night where I blubbed, I actually feel much better! and I realised that sometimes the best way to deal with whatever is troubling us is to have someone witness it, share it....
so as I turn in on my final night of being 45, sure life ain't exactly where I may have hoped it would be, but it's still pretty good...
ps things with FC and I are always going to be more than friends but less than something special, but one thing I really like about him is that he doesn't hold a grudge - he deals with it and moves on and I think I could learn that from him!
Thursday, January 1, 2015
the year that was to follow, but today
all I am is sad, disappointed, lonely, and pretty annoyed with myself...
see, a couple of months ago, after FC had let me down one too many times, I told him I didn't want any out of work contact - something I probably should have done years ago, but the fear of what that would actually mean (which I think in reality, is nothing) stopped me...
so when I eventually did it, I actually think it was a relief, and for a period of time until a ridiculous accusation was made about me at work, I enjoyed no contact...
I enjoyed no rollercoaster - and really, any sort of relationship with FC is a rollercoaster, for me...
and yes, I should know better - we've been down this road before, so many times, you'd think someone as smart as me would know to stay away, to know that my expectations of him as a friend will never be met, and that eventually, he'll disappoint me or worse, hurt my feelings...
and yep, here we are again....
I no longer want my mood to be impacted by how I respond to him or his behaviour and I am not blaming him - on the contrary, I know I'm responsible for letting him back in, and for how I let it impact me...
but still....
I wonder when enough will be enough - I thought I'd cracked it last year (yes, now it's new years day, it was last year)....
seems it's a slippery slope and as we work together, meaning, we see each other a lot, I seemingly just can't find the balance which helps me....
so in the latest drama (and it is a drama - and it's boring and I'm over it) he's got his knickers in a knot coz I've done my job - bottom line is, he knows where his shortcomings are (in a professional sense), won't do anything about them, and now that it's an issue (it is - how on earth can we attract the right person to do the role in his team when he is the manager - with little or no managerial capability, absolutely no capacity to inspire/motivate people, and none of the skills which we want in this person) I'm sure he's pissed off I'm not 100% in his corner...
and I'm annoyed because I've been in his corner for years, and as a friend and the head of my function, have gently tried to support and encourage him...but no, he's done nothing...
so his knickers are in a knot, I send a lovely NY text wishing him a happy new year and thanking him for his support in 2014 and nothing - not even an acknowledgement or reply
it's rude - he's rude (and I've known this for ever!)....so why the hell do I continue to expect that he's going to change and turn into a decent person
what I also realised today as I've spent the entire day in my cocoon trying to make head and tails of it all is that really, he's only really there for me when there's something in it for him...he makes contact with me when he wants to whinge or tell me something - and sure I occasionally do that, but I find myself supporting him and propping him up, way more than he does for me in return! and yes, on those big occasions, he's been there for me, but mostly, it's me listening to him whinge, letting him have him melt downs and work through his paranoia
as I type this I'm angry! good, anger is good....
angry too that he's gotten under my skin again and angry that his incompetent and inexperienced new boss (whom we both dislike, and certainly don't trust) has done his best to get between us....
so, true I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt, and sure, some of my feeling will be nothing to do with FC but the fact that for yet another year I remain single with nothing on the horizon...and I'm a bit lonely, and feeling sorry for myself...and I'm worried about my Mum but don't seem to be able to find a nice/good way to bring it up with her...
so, I've spent the day watching one of my fave TV shows, in the hope of drowning out all the unhelpful and negative self talk - it's sort of worked, but not entirely...
so, on this 1st day of 2015, a year in which I have high hopes for myself, it has been a slow, and contemplative start....
posts to come are - 2014, the year in review and 2015, my goals for self...
so, it's not exactly a happy new year....
sigh!
see, a couple of months ago, after FC had let me down one too many times, I told him I didn't want any out of work contact - something I probably should have done years ago, but the fear of what that would actually mean (which I think in reality, is nothing) stopped me...
so when I eventually did it, I actually think it was a relief, and for a period of time until a ridiculous accusation was made about me at work, I enjoyed no contact...
I enjoyed no rollercoaster - and really, any sort of relationship with FC is a rollercoaster, for me...
and yes, I should know better - we've been down this road before, so many times, you'd think someone as smart as me would know to stay away, to know that my expectations of him as a friend will never be met, and that eventually, he'll disappoint me or worse, hurt my feelings...
and yep, here we are again....
I no longer want my mood to be impacted by how I respond to him or his behaviour and I am not blaming him - on the contrary, I know I'm responsible for letting him back in, and for how I let it impact me...
but still....
I wonder when enough will be enough - I thought I'd cracked it last year (yes, now it's new years day, it was last year)....
seems it's a slippery slope and as we work together, meaning, we see each other a lot, I seemingly just can't find the balance which helps me....
so in the latest drama (and it is a drama - and it's boring and I'm over it) he's got his knickers in a knot coz I've done my job - bottom line is, he knows where his shortcomings are (in a professional sense), won't do anything about them, and now that it's an issue (it is - how on earth can we attract the right person to do the role in his team when he is the manager - with little or no managerial capability, absolutely no capacity to inspire/motivate people, and none of the skills which we want in this person) I'm sure he's pissed off I'm not 100% in his corner...
and I'm annoyed because I've been in his corner for years, and as a friend and the head of my function, have gently tried to support and encourage him...but no, he's done nothing...
so his knickers are in a knot, I send a lovely NY text wishing him a happy new year and thanking him for his support in 2014 and nothing - not even an acknowledgement or reply
it's rude - he's rude (and I've known this for ever!)....so why the hell do I continue to expect that he's going to change and turn into a decent person
what I also realised today as I've spent the entire day in my cocoon trying to make head and tails of it all is that really, he's only really there for me when there's something in it for him...he makes contact with me when he wants to whinge or tell me something - and sure I occasionally do that, but I find myself supporting him and propping him up, way more than he does for me in return! and yes, on those big occasions, he's been there for me, but mostly, it's me listening to him whinge, letting him have him melt downs and work through his paranoia
as I type this I'm angry! good, anger is good....
angry too that he's gotten under my skin again and angry that his incompetent and inexperienced new boss (whom we both dislike, and certainly don't trust) has done his best to get between us....
so, true I'm feeling vulnerable and hurt, and sure, some of my feeling will be nothing to do with FC but the fact that for yet another year I remain single with nothing on the horizon...and I'm a bit lonely, and feeling sorry for myself...and I'm worried about my Mum but don't seem to be able to find a nice/good way to bring it up with her...
so, I've spent the day watching one of my fave TV shows, in the hope of drowning out all the unhelpful and negative self talk - it's sort of worked, but not entirely...
so, on this 1st day of 2015, a year in which I have high hopes for myself, it has been a slow, and contemplative start....
posts to come are - 2014, the year in review and 2015, my goals for self...
so, it's not exactly a happy new year....
sigh!
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