sometimes it's easier not to have 'em...
but then it wouldn't be very human not to would it?
nope!
so today has been a day to forget...on many fronts!
I realised today, after sitting through yet another one of those futile 4 hour meetings, that in fact, I'm not sure how much longer I want to work where I work...seems that our values of integrity don't really seem to count, well, at least not when profit counts :-(
I'm starting to get that sense of disillusionment, and sure, it's not unfamiliar to me, it's one of the many reasons I found a way to escape corporate life the last time I did...but it seems worse somehow right now...
and why is that? well, because I'm a part of the ELT, the Snr Mnt team as it were, a direct report to the CEO, and despite my protestations, which admittedly, have become not worth my energy of late, it seems that not a great deal has changed...so imagine my horror then, when I am responsible for the cultural change...and sure, I could vote with my feet (eventually I will, on my terms, and when it suits me) but for the time being, I just need to sit with the discontent....
and then, there's my team, who mostly I love, and for the most part do an ok job - I'm not going to say do a great job, because, in reality they don't...I hold a lot of the slack and am responsible for really holding it all together - and sure, maybe that's my job to do that, but it's wearing a bit thin...sometimes it would be good for them to remember that I'm the boss and their role is to support me - not saying it's not two way, as it definitely is, but when I'm super flexible and accommodating and they aren't, well it shits me...just saying
then there's the attitude of one - the one, ironically, I usually get on best with...but over the years she has tested me, whinged incessantly but done nothing to change her own situation, occasionally speaks to me (in public) in the most derogatory manner (which largely I overlook coz I'm like that) and today, when they do something without consulting me which impacts me and I openly express my discontent, I get a snotty email telling me she doesn't like being told off in public...well, fuck me!
and then, there's the fact I'm still sick - voice is starting to go (with any luck it'll go altogether and I can have a few days off...) and of course, the news of last week, which is still very fresh in my mind, and my little heart, try as it might to deal with this solo...well, I'm a bit sad...
although as I type this, I'm not sure 'exactly' what I'm sad about, and it reminds me of the first very big and horrible fight Nick and I had where he asked me what I liked about him...and truth be told, even though back then I'd convinced myself I wanted to be with him, I really couldn't articulate what it was about him I liked...
I think that basically, I just wanted anyone to like me, to prove that I was worthy...funny thing is, as I type this I feel better and I feel a smile emerging - when I realise that perhaps the only person I needed to like me, to love me, is me....
it's been a long journey with him and truthfully, I wish I'd had the courage to cut him off outside of work long long ago...
fear (yes, bloody fear) has always made me keep him onside previously, but what am I afraid of?
he can have no influence over my career, altho he could turn on me against SM...sure, and if this happened and I said to SM, well you know we used to date so most likely it's sour grapes, that would undermine his credibility
my boss already know and she doesn't care
he could stop doing stuff for me at work, but really, I pretty much no longer ask him for anything.,..
bottom line is this: he's had many occasions on which he could have shared with me the truth and he has failed to do so - I see this, and not for the first time, as deceptive and weak (note to self: these are NOT qualities I like in a person, and certainly are not qualities I'm looking for in any friendship/relationship)...
so, to remind myself of the many things about him I neither like, admire, nor want in a friend or partner:
- deceptive
- selfish
- incapable of the sort of emotional interaction I would like
- makes no attempt to better himself/grow
- cannot communicate
- is happy to criticise others
- smokes
- has lied to me
- suspect he's kept me on side with no thought of my feelings
- messed me around
- smokes
- is not well respected at work
- treats his family appallingly
- drinks too much
- has some mental health issues (been there done that, cannot do it again)
- likes to gossip
- always thinks about himself
- has never put himself on the line for me even though I've gone out on a limb to support him
- is a crap manager
- never goes the extra mile
- does the bare minimum to get by
- is lazy
- doesn't care what people think of him at all (usually I'd envy this!)
that's enough really - don't you think?
and sure, it still hurts that small part of me that wanted to be with him - the pattern, the old young Sarah who so desperately wanted him to love her - same part of me that's wanted my mother's love, and Chris and Ben and all the others before him.....
so, when I started writing today's post I had in mind to lament emotions...but really, they are good...the last coupla years have been an amazing journey of growth and I'm proud of myself - proud of where I've got to...
how I've handled the last week is a testament to that: have largely done so alone - no giving in to wanting to talk to someone or him, have missed Leah (another story) but still, I've relied on me, and you know what? I've done well...
so, will go to bed with mixed emotions, but know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be right now...
nite x
books
books
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
hmmm influenza or
purging?
so after the events of Thursday, I've really had to take stock of the facts...
it's futile, it's not allowing me to move on and not like he hasn't...although I did think to myself this morning that in fact he hasn't moved on...
he has simply gone back to the person he 'ended things with' (and by things I mean, he was shagging her) to be with me...
but I should have walked away then - when he said, very early on, I can never give you what you want and that hurts me (him that is)...
seems he's not capable of taking a risk, and in this scenario, being with me, and challenging himself and growing up were taking a risk...
well I guess that's ok...for so very long I let myself see this as me not being good enough for him, but reality is, he wasn't and will never be, good enough for me...
he's someone who despite a whole bunch of support and coaching, has chosen not to make any changes to himself...it's become apparent at work that people neither like nor respect him - stupid thing is I suspected this at the beginning, but he sucked me in with his wit, and his 'we need to have a drink' bullshit, and his 'will you help me'....
anyway, I've taken stock, I've really tried to face what is and what will never be, and frankly, I should be happy it will never be...
I had a very emotional session with my therapist on Saturday, and then, against my better judgement, turned up for a PT sesh...shortly thereafter was confined to the bed with what I can only describe as the 'flu' for 30+ hours...
fever finally abated this morning, and even though I feel better (not 100%) I didn't go to work...
so I wonder actually if I didn't in fact have 'the flu', but more, this was my body's was of purging him from my system, or eradicating the hurt of the last 2 years, of finally putting in place the boundary that I so desperately wanted to put in place the very first time he broke my heart...
funny, I was thinking today about 'what is he going to think?', 'what if he's hurt' by me not responding, but not once in our entire relationship/friendship has he ever put my needs above his and yet I find myself doing it...
no more! no sirree, and maybe that's why I've just spent the best part of 3 days 'processing' the events of last week...
I suspect that it's quite possible he's lied to me on a number of occasions too...
sooo, now the way forward is to focus on me, and what I want and what I need, and what I want is no out of work contact with him, no opportunities for those niggling fantasies to develop when he reaches out to me and no more of this 'have my cake and eat it too'...
no, Nick, I am done...we are, as one might say in the movies 'at the end of the road'...there's nothing more to say, and I'm going to do my very best to see you as merely a work colleague....
of course, it's so much easier to do this when I don't have to see him...but, maybe this is the universe's way of letting me know that it's ok to put myself first, that it's ok to put a boundary in place and hold it, if it means my needs are getting met, and it's not selfish or rude or whatever other word I use to describe allowing him to have needs met when mine go unheard...
so I don't in fact think it was the flu at all...I think it was a monumental purge of Nick, Ben, Chris and all the others that have gone before - all the others who have not respected my boundaries, not cared about my needs...yep, a purge of the patterns of old...
and it's not just au revoir patterns as I don't want them coming back...
nope, it's sayonara, good bye....and good riddance! don't be coming back....
so after the events of Thursday, I've really had to take stock of the facts...
- he's moved on
- he's with her (and probably has been for a lot longer than he would care to admit to me)
- he's essentially deceived me (whether this is to keep me onside, or because he thinks he can have his cake and eat it too, is not certain)
it's futile, it's not allowing me to move on and not like he hasn't...although I did think to myself this morning that in fact he hasn't moved on...
he has simply gone back to the person he 'ended things with' (and by things I mean, he was shagging her) to be with me...
but I should have walked away then - when he said, very early on, I can never give you what you want and that hurts me (him that is)...
seems he's not capable of taking a risk, and in this scenario, being with me, and challenging himself and growing up were taking a risk...
well I guess that's ok...for so very long I let myself see this as me not being good enough for him, but reality is, he wasn't and will never be, good enough for me...
he's someone who despite a whole bunch of support and coaching, has chosen not to make any changes to himself...it's become apparent at work that people neither like nor respect him - stupid thing is I suspected this at the beginning, but he sucked me in with his wit, and his 'we need to have a drink' bullshit, and his 'will you help me'....
anyway, I've taken stock, I've really tried to face what is and what will never be, and frankly, I should be happy it will never be...
I had a very emotional session with my therapist on Saturday, and then, against my better judgement, turned up for a PT sesh...shortly thereafter was confined to the bed with what I can only describe as the 'flu' for 30+ hours...
fever finally abated this morning, and even though I feel better (not 100%) I didn't go to work...
so I wonder actually if I didn't in fact have 'the flu', but more, this was my body's was of purging him from my system, or eradicating the hurt of the last 2 years, of finally putting in place the boundary that I so desperately wanted to put in place the very first time he broke my heart...
funny, I was thinking today about 'what is he going to think?', 'what if he's hurt' by me not responding, but not once in our entire relationship/friendship has he ever put my needs above his and yet I find myself doing it...
no more! no sirree, and maybe that's why I've just spent the best part of 3 days 'processing' the events of last week...
I suspect that it's quite possible he's lied to me on a number of occasions too...
sooo, now the way forward is to focus on me, and what I want and what I need, and what I want is no out of work contact with him, no opportunities for those niggling fantasies to develop when he reaches out to me and no more of this 'have my cake and eat it too'...
no, Nick, I am done...we are, as one might say in the movies 'at the end of the road'...there's nothing more to say, and I'm going to do my very best to see you as merely a work colleague....
of course, it's so much easier to do this when I don't have to see him...but, maybe this is the universe's way of letting me know that it's ok to put myself first, that it's ok to put a boundary in place and hold it, if it means my needs are getting met, and it's not selfish or rude or whatever other word I use to describe allowing him to have needs met when mine go unheard...
so I don't in fact think it was the flu at all...I think it was a monumental purge of Nick, Ben, Chris and all the others that have gone before - all the others who have not respected my boundaries, not cared about my needs...yep, a purge of the patterns of old...
and it's not just au revoir patterns as I don't want them coming back...
nope, it's sayonara, good bye....and good riddance! don't be coming back....
Thursday, March 20, 2014
sometimes, maybe it's better not
to know?
or is that just my way of saying I don't want to know coz then I have to deal with it?
and I must say that as I write this post, I feel a little guilty that whilst I'm struggling with my reality today, there are still hundreds of people missing, and possibly dead on MH370, hundreds, probably thousands of distraught family and friends....and that certainly helps put things in perspective, and yet, I have been really impacted today so I need to write about that...
but before I continue, I'm praying to my universal guides that MH370 can be found and some answers provided...
so today I had lunch with one of my audit partner friends - she's a newish friend and she took me to lunch...sadly, she knows FC, and she knows him and I had a 'thing' a while back...and I guess she thought I was ok with it all, and largely I am...
so she proceeds to tell me that he's seeing someone, and of course, this isn't actually news to me - I'm certain he is actually 'with' Serafina in his own fucked up way, but today as she was telling me this (even though in the same story she said he didn't want to talk about it and when asked if they were moving in he said 'god no, I wouldn't do that') I started to feel incredibly sad...
it's funny really, because of late, I have actually been feeling happier than I have in ages - almost pre Nick happy, you know, really comfortable with where I am, even enjoying being single (it's simply so much better to be single when you are happy, and one's happiness is no longer entirely dependant on being 'in a relationship'...) sucks then that having finally gotten there (or seemingly gotten there) today's 'update' should really upset me
and of course I've tried to therapies myself, I've tried to rationalise how I'm feeling and tell myself it's just a little set back, and of course, I'm probably right, but then again, don't you think it's kind of odd that nearly 2 years later (although arguably things dragged on for a long time after we actually split as he continued, and I let him, mess me around) he still gets under my skin, that finding out that he might actually be in a real relationship (unlikely, frankly) with her, I'm sad?
the saddest thing of all is that for one short moment today, when I thought about it, the old thought of 'you weren't good enough for him' resurfaced...
seriously? you're not good enough for him? no, no fucking way am I going to let my lovely beautiful emotionally open self believe that...
but then I do also question the timing of things? see Sunday I had a healing session with Bec, actually Saturday, and she said 'he's seeing someone right?', then this...and sure it's probably not seeing her in the way I'd want to be seeing someone, but maybe it's the best he can do...
one thing that was interesting was Eileen's reaction to me telling her about his behaviour - the out of office texting, the weekend texting, the not inviting me to his 40th and then the follow up email containing the 'I love you'...
it's bullshit, he's bullshit and I'm over it - sadly, it would seem, I'm not entirely over him, but I am over it...
I genuinely think he keeps me onside because of my role at work....the more I find out about him, the more I am really starting to dislike him and dislike the part of me that invested so much time and energy in trying to help him
same old fucking Sarah story - pick a broken bird, try to fix them, let them get into your head, fall in love, get hurt...
man it takes a long time to recognise and break a pattern...if only it were easier...sigh
I feel stupid wondering what people must think of me - of my supporting him even though he's probably never lifted a finger to support me, never put himself out for my benefit, and yet, I've found myself defending him...
I've spent hours trying to help him on all manner of things, given him special coaching and tips on everything, and yet he's still chosen not to grow, not to do any work that might make him a better person or a more effective manager...
makes me ask why the fuck I bothered? and of course I know the answer to that: coz I wanted him to love me
coz like my mum and Ben and just about every other bloke before him, I wanted him to love me in the way I want to be loved...
and yet, from the get go he flagged he couldn't give me what I wanted...but nooo, I kept going..
this has to stop! for my own sanity, for my happiness, it has to stop....
so, I'm sad, I'm angry at myself (even though I should probably just be more accommodating and kind what that part of my self today), and I'm tired of having to have him in my life...
there's another very compelling reason to find another job, which is kinda funny as for the first time in my entire working relationship with my boss, I feel comfortable...
honestly, not having to see him really does seem like the very best way of putting him and his inconsiderate and inconsistent behaviour behind me...
anyway, I'm tired, so it's bonsoir from me xx
or is that just my way of saying I don't want to know coz then I have to deal with it?
and I must say that as I write this post, I feel a little guilty that whilst I'm struggling with my reality today, there are still hundreds of people missing, and possibly dead on MH370, hundreds, probably thousands of distraught family and friends....and that certainly helps put things in perspective, and yet, I have been really impacted today so I need to write about that...
but before I continue, I'm praying to my universal guides that MH370 can be found and some answers provided...
so today I had lunch with one of my audit partner friends - she's a newish friend and she took me to lunch...sadly, she knows FC, and she knows him and I had a 'thing' a while back...and I guess she thought I was ok with it all, and largely I am...
so she proceeds to tell me that he's seeing someone, and of course, this isn't actually news to me - I'm certain he is actually 'with' Serafina in his own fucked up way, but today as she was telling me this (even though in the same story she said he didn't want to talk about it and when asked if they were moving in he said 'god no, I wouldn't do that') I started to feel incredibly sad...
it's funny really, because of late, I have actually been feeling happier than I have in ages - almost pre Nick happy, you know, really comfortable with where I am, even enjoying being single (it's simply so much better to be single when you are happy, and one's happiness is no longer entirely dependant on being 'in a relationship'...) sucks then that having finally gotten there (or seemingly gotten there) today's 'update' should really upset me
and of course I've tried to therapies myself, I've tried to rationalise how I'm feeling and tell myself it's just a little set back, and of course, I'm probably right, but then again, don't you think it's kind of odd that nearly 2 years later (although arguably things dragged on for a long time after we actually split as he continued, and I let him, mess me around) he still gets under my skin, that finding out that he might actually be in a real relationship (unlikely, frankly) with her, I'm sad?
the saddest thing of all is that for one short moment today, when I thought about it, the old thought of 'you weren't good enough for him' resurfaced...
seriously? you're not good enough for him? no, no fucking way am I going to let my lovely beautiful emotionally open self believe that...
but then I do also question the timing of things? see Sunday I had a healing session with Bec, actually Saturday, and she said 'he's seeing someone right?', then this...and sure it's probably not seeing her in the way I'd want to be seeing someone, but maybe it's the best he can do...
one thing that was interesting was Eileen's reaction to me telling her about his behaviour - the out of office texting, the weekend texting, the not inviting me to his 40th and then the follow up email containing the 'I love you'...
it's bullshit, he's bullshit and I'm over it - sadly, it would seem, I'm not entirely over him, but I am over it...
I genuinely think he keeps me onside because of my role at work....the more I find out about him, the more I am really starting to dislike him and dislike the part of me that invested so much time and energy in trying to help him
same old fucking Sarah story - pick a broken bird, try to fix them, let them get into your head, fall in love, get hurt...
man it takes a long time to recognise and break a pattern...if only it were easier...sigh
I feel stupid wondering what people must think of me - of my supporting him even though he's probably never lifted a finger to support me, never put himself out for my benefit, and yet, I've found myself defending him...
I've spent hours trying to help him on all manner of things, given him special coaching and tips on everything, and yet he's still chosen not to grow, not to do any work that might make him a better person or a more effective manager...
makes me ask why the fuck I bothered? and of course I know the answer to that: coz I wanted him to love me
coz like my mum and Ben and just about every other bloke before him, I wanted him to love me in the way I want to be loved...
and yet, from the get go he flagged he couldn't give me what I wanted...but nooo, I kept going..
this has to stop! for my own sanity, for my happiness, it has to stop....
so, I'm sad, I'm angry at myself (even though I should probably just be more accommodating and kind what that part of my self today), and I'm tired of having to have him in my life...
there's another very compelling reason to find another job, which is kinda funny as for the first time in my entire working relationship with my boss, I feel comfortable...
honestly, not having to see him really does seem like the very best way of putting him and his inconsiderate and inconsistent behaviour behind me...
anyway, I'm tired, so it's bonsoir from me xx
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
i find myself in a
situation that I don't want to be in, and scary thing is, it's probably mostly my own doing...
so, let's go all the way back to September, when I find out that Nick is having a 40th and I'm not invited - and his reasons, frankly, are bullshit: I thought I was doing the right thing, she's coming blah blah, quickly followed up by an email telling me he loves me, he respects me etc
so for pretty much the first time ever, I find a way to cut him out of my life, and initially it's hard - of course, right, but then it gets easier and I feel a certain freedom
I no longer look at the phone hoping he will have made contact, in fact, I eventually get to a place, where I hope he doesn't...
fast forward to March, ie now, and truthfully, I am not upset by stuff, but I realised today that I have slowly let him back in, but at what cost? and to what end?
and why is this important today? what prompted me to think about this today? well, good question! so he's at my desk doing something or other and as he's scanning through his emails, I see her name come up...
and sure, a few things have led me to believe he's not 'with her', but in their own stupid way, they probably are an item...let's be serious, he referred to her as 'his partner' at work to get out of work for an afternoon, but then why does he text me on the weekend? surely, no girlfriend would put up with that?
anyway, really, does it matter what he does and who he's with? well, yes and no...
and as I sat and listened to one of his direct reports tell me what a shocking manager was, I realised that perhaps seeing him through someone elses eyes is good? perhaps not always having his back is good - I mean seriously, when does he have my back? when does he ever extend himself for me? would he ever (with his risk averse, me me me personality) ever do something for me that might cost him (not money but you know what I mean)
well, sadly, the answer is no - and sure, I've know this for a long time - it's not new news, nothing has actually changed....Nick is, was and always will be Nick - and that isn't a compliment...
there are many reasons why we are not together, not the least of which he admits that he could never give me what I want...
but right now, I seem strangely, more attached to him than I have for some time...and I know why, even though I don't really want to admit it...
see things with one of my bff's and I is strained - yep, it is...
I'm ok to ride the wave, just don't feel like doing it alone, although, ironically, Nick is not the sort of person I could EVER explain this to and hope that he might a) understand or b) sympathise...he's totally devoid of being able to express emotions in a healthy way - he is, as I've often described him to others, most recently my parents, a man child...
I digress, but really, the issue here is probably more to do with what's occurring in one of my friendships, than Nick, but right now, I'm not ready to open up about the friendship and what has happened...
so, back to Nick! he really is a child - his ability to handle and deal with, or even express emotions, is childish...and that might be ok if I were his mother, but I'm not...
to think I recently offered to help him with his CV...why? what is in it for me? and not that I like to be too calculating in everything I do, but I guess, the interesting thing here is identifying what I thought was in it for me...
sure, some days I think I hope he'll come back - but seriously? why would I
and it probably takes going all the way back to one of my posts in early 2012, before the blog was taken down to realise that my first impressions of this man were probably spot on...
and did I mention, I hate smoking! which he still does, and in fact, I think it's worse now....
so, as I try and sift through the emotions, the patterns, the memories, the tried and true ways of me doing things, I feel a hint of sadness, and even though I have finally eradicated Chris from my physical life, occasionally, at times like these, when I feel somewhat disconnected from some people in my life and drifting, I wonder if things would be different if he hadn't been such a selfish boy of 12
anyway, I'm tired, the virus that I've been fighting for over a week seems to have taken a firm hold, the mycoplasma pneumoniae the Dr thinks I have is being treated (I hope) with antibiotics that are making me feel sick and I'm exhausted...
it's not even 9pm and I'm certain bed is about 10 minutes away...
so in my sleepy state I'm going to remind myself why what I am feeling now, I that desire to 'move towards' Nick, is really, nothing to do with him and more about me...
gotta love self awareness :-)
nite x
so, let's go all the way back to September, when I find out that Nick is having a 40th and I'm not invited - and his reasons, frankly, are bullshit: I thought I was doing the right thing, she's coming blah blah, quickly followed up by an email telling me he loves me, he respects me etc
so for pretty much the first time ever, I find a way to cut him out of my life, and initially it's hard - of course, right, but then it gets easier and I feel a certain freedom
I no longer look at the phone hoping he will have made contact, in fact, I eventually get to a place, where I hope he doesn't...
fast forward to March, ie now, and truthfully, I am not upset by stuff, but I realised today that I have slowly let him back in, but at what cost? and to what end?
and why is this important today? what prompted me to think about this today? well, good question! so he's at my desk doing something or other and as he's scanning through his emails, I see her name come up...
and sure, a few things have led me to believe he's not 'with her', but in their own stupid way, they probably are an item...let's be serious, he referred to her as 'his partner' at work to get out of work for an afternoon, but then why does he text me on the weekend? surely, no girlfriend would put up with that?
anyway, really, does it matter what he does and who he's with? well, yes and no...
and as I sat and listened to one of his direct reports tell me what a shocking manager was, I realised that perhaps seeing him through someone elses eyes is good? perhaps not always having his back is good - I mean seriously, when does he have my back? when does he ever extend himself for me? would he ever (with his risk averse, me me me personality) ever do something for me that might cost him (not money but you know what I mean)
well, sadly, the answer is no - and sure, I've know this for a long time - it's not new news, nothing has actually changed....Nick is, was and always will be Nick - and that isn't a compliment...
there are many reasons why we are not together, not the least of which he admits that he could never give me what I want...
but right now, I seem strangely, more attached to him than I have for some time...and I know why, even though I don't really want to admit it...
see things with one of my bff's and I is strained - yep, it is...
I'm ok to ride the wave, just don't feel like doing it alone, although, ironically, Nick is not the sort of person I could EVER explain this to and hope that he might a) understand or b) sympathise...he's totally devoid of being able to express emotions in a healthy way - he is, as I've often described him to others, most recently my parents, a man child...
I digress, but really, the issue here is probably more to do with what's occurring in one of my friendships, than Nick, but right now, I'm not ready to open up about the friendship and what has happened...
so, back to Nick! he really is a child - his ability to handle and deal with, or even express emotions, is childish...and that might be ok if I were his mother, but I'm not...
to think I recently offered to help him with his CV...why? what is in it for me? and not that I like to be too calculating in everything I do, but I guess, the interesting thing here is identifying what I thought was in it for me...
sure, some days I think I hope he'll come back - but seriously? why would I
and it probably takes going all the way back to one of my posts in early 2012, before the blog was taken down to realise that my first impressions of this man were probably spot on...
and did I mention, I hate smoking! which he still does, and in fact, I think it's worse now....
so, as I try and sift through the emotions, the patterns, the memories, the tried and true ways of me doing things, I feel a hint of sadness, and even though I have finally eradicated Chris from my physical life, occasionally, at times like these, when I feel somewhat disconnected from some people in my life and drifting, I wonder if things would be different if he hadn't been such a selfish boy of 12
anyway, I'm tired, the virus that I've been fighting for over a week seems to have taken a firm hold, the mycoplasma pneumoniae the Dr thinks I have is being treated (I hope) with antibiotics that are making me feel sick and I'm exhausted...
it's not even 9pm and I'm certain bed is about 10 minutes away...
so in my sleepy state I'm going to remind myself why what I am feeling now, I that desire to 'move towards' Nick, is really, nothing to do with him and more about me...
gotta love self awareness :-)
nite x
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