singing lessons
live in new York
buy new place
do interior decorating course
consider doing tarot/channelling course
meet man of dreams
finish novel
get novel published (although finishing it is more important)
do more travel
get fit and stay fit!
that's it for now...just jotting down my thoughts..
books
books
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
predictable...
and i'm not sure, in this case, that's a good thing....
so this morning, and I haven't blogged about this yet, so maybe I should start there?
so this morning, before i'm out of bed, I check email - and funny, as I don't always do this....so imagine my horror when I see an email from FC in my inbox - and sure, I shouldn't be surprised as we work together so inevitably there will be stuff we need to talk about from time to time....but what I observed is the physical reaction I had to seeing his name....
it wasn't good: my stomach lurched, I felt sick, I felt 'gripped' by something (not in a good way) and I could feel all the old expectation coming back...
he was simply telling me he was ill and wouldn't be at training - there was even a 'sorry'....although I have to say that I honestly believed he was avoiding training - not like he enjoys it or even, really, thinks there's anything in it for him - ironic really as of all the people on it, he is 1 of the people who could, if he put his mind to it, learn a lot about himself and even, develop some more people skills, but no....
so I just simply observed my reaction, my feelings, my thoughts and I can tell you I think it's a pattern (well, of course, I know this)....so rather than feeling the need to 'do' anything (usually I do), I just sat with it and as I said to Leah hours later, having done that, it passed....
yes, did you read that? it passed! meaning it didn't take over my thinking for hours - I didn't go over in my head time and time again what I should do, what I should do...nope, I just observed the thoughts, and then they seemed to pass on....like a cloud which eventually gets moved on by the gentlest of breezes, only to reveal the sun..
yes, so that was an interesting exercise for me...and it's funny, I said to Leah that i'd gone to bed last night realising that it had been 15 days since i'd had any non work contact with him.....and funny, we've hardly had any work contact either and once i'd gotten through the observing this morning - admittedly I did check email a number of times wondering if there would be any more conversation - there wasn't - but I also observed how much I was enjoying the 'quiet' from him this afternoon...
so imagine my surprise then when unreliable but predictable, I get a text from him this evening (and funny, as I had said to Leah earlier, that even if he did check in with me to see how I was, it would, inevitably just be an excuse for him to talk about himself or work....hmmm) 'you seem not to be talking to me at the moment, but are you ok?'...
and sure my boundary work is a work in progress and it occurred to me for a minute to simply ignore it but I am not yet comfortable with a total ignore....that's something to discuss with Sal
so I responded telling him I was unwell, that I was processing stuff and surely he understood that....he comes back with some long email whinge about work, illness and the following 'yes I understand but since no communication I didn't know now I know I won't ask again but reiterate that nothing has really changed'....seriously! nothing has changed for him....
for me lots has changed - for starters I feel that he has deceived me for more than a year...he was sleeping with someone I know, finished things with her so he could 'see' me, then after he's done with me, picks up with her again - I feel used, I feel like he slotted me in, I feel like he has always kept me close so that he gets someone to whinge to....
even tonight - so the initial text 'appears' to be an enquiry about me - but as soon as he knows i'm sort of ok (physically not!) he's straight into the boring work talk - there's even talk that he is close to leaving - as I said to him 'well you always say that, and yet you are still there'...yet another area of his life where he won't take a risk, and sure I understand that one a lot better than not following your heart, but whatever....
so I have no idea where that leaves us - or do I? in fact, this changes nothing....I would expect a so called 'good colleague' to check in with me if he hadn't seen me for a week...yes, that seems like something I would do, so this leaves us nowhere......he's not worthy of someone like me, he manages to turn every conversation into being about him, about work, which is frankly boring....my life is so much more than work....
in fact, since I saw the fabulous 52 Richardson st Lane Cove house (for sale) last weekend, I seem to be dreaming of something different - however, if I could conjure up $1.9m I would buy it in a heartbeat...and then I get to thinking 'why am I waiting for a beautiful house to change my life?' and that's a great question...why am I?
perhaps I should be thinking about how to get what I want without waiting for some physical change in surrounds? interesting concept....
anyway, i'm tired, i'm going to work tomorrow for first time in over a week - 2 of the 7 groups are finishing mine and Leah's course tomorrow so would really like to be there....
so, nite nite....and i'm still to write about friendship and love, and how it's changed my idea about relationships and commitment! yes, watch this space....
so this morning, and I haven't blogged about this yet, so maybe I should start there?
so this morning, before i'm out of bed, I check email - and funny, as I don't always do this....so imagine my horror when I see an email from FC in my inbox - and sure, I shouldn't be surprised as we work together so inevitably there will be stuff we need to talk about from time to time....but what I observed is the physical reaction I had to seeing his name....
it wasn't good: my stomach lurched, I felt sick, I felt 'gripped' by something (not in a good way) and I could feel all the old expectation coming back...
he was simply telling me he was ill and wouldn't be at training - there was even a 'sorry'....although I have to say that I honestly believed he was avoiding training - not like he enjoys it or even, really, thinks there's anything in it for him - ironic really as of all the people on it, he is 1 of the people who could, if he put his mind to it, learn a lot about himself and even, develop some more people skills, but no....
so I just simply observed my reaction, my feelings, my thoughts and I can tell you I think it's a pattern (well, of course, I know this)....so rather than feeling the need to 'do' anything (usually I do), I just sat with it and as I said to Leah hours later, having done that, it passed....
yes, did you read that? it passed! meaning it didn't take over my thinking for hours - I didn't go over in my head time and time again what I should do, what I should do...nope, I just observed the thoughts, and then they seemed to pass on....like a cloud which eventually gets moved on by the gentlest of breezes, only to reveal the sun..
yes, so that was an interesting exercise for me...and it's funny, I said to Leah that i'd gone to bed last night realising that it had been 15 days since i'd had any non work contact with him.....and funny, we've hardly had any work contact either and once i'd gotten through the observing this morning - admittedly I did check email a number of times wondering if there would be any more conversation - there wasn't - but I also observed how much I was enjoying the 'quiet' from him this afternoon...
so imagine my surprise then when unreliable but predictable, I get a text from him this evening (and funny, as I had said to Leah earlier, that even if he did check in with me to see how I was, it would, inevitably just be an excuse for him to talk about himself or work....hmmm) 'you seem not to be talking to me at the moment, but are you ok?'...
and sure my boundary work is a work in progress and it occurred to me for a minute to simply ignore it but I am not yet comfortable with a total ignore....that's something to discuss with Sal
so I responded telling him I was unwell, that I was processing stuff and surely he understood that....he comes back with some long email whinge about work, illness and the following 'yes I understand but since no communication I didn't know now I know I won't ask again but reiterate that nothing has really changed'....seriously! nothing has changed for him....
for me lots has changed - for starters I feel that he has deceived me for more than a year...he was sleeping with someone I know, finished things with her so he could 'see' me, then after he's done with me, picks up with her again - I feel used, I feel like he slotted me in, I feel like he has always kept me close so that he gets someone to whinge to....
even tonight - so the initial text 'appears' to be an enquiry about me - but as soon as he knows i'm sort of ok (physically not!) he's straight into the boring work talk - there's even talk that he is close to leaving - as I said to him 'well you always say that, and yet you are still there'...yet another area of his life where he won't take a risk, and sure I understand that one a lot better than not following your heart, but whatever....
so I have no idea where that leaves us - or do I? in fact, this changes nothing....I would expect a so called 'good colleague' to check in with me if he hadn't seen me for a week...yes, that seems like something I would do, so this leaves us nowhere......he's not worthy of someone like me, he manages to turn every conversation into being about him, about work, which is frankly boring....my life is so much more than work....
in fact, since I saw the fabulous 52 Richardson st Lane Cove house (for sale) last weekend, I seem to be dreaming of something different - however, if I could conjure up $1.9m I would buy it in a heartbeat...and then I get to thinking 'why am I waiting for a beautiful house to change my life?' and that's a great question...why am I?
perhaps I should be thinking about how to get what I want without waiting for some physical change in surrounds? interesting concept....
anyway, i'm tired, i'm going to work tomorrow for first time in over a week - 2 of the 7 groups are finishing mine and Leah's course tomorrow so would really like to be there....
so, nite nite....and i'm still to write about friendship and love, and how it's changed my idea about relationships and commitment! yes, watch this space....
Monday, May 27, 2013
21 days to
break a habit apparently, soooo I am now 15 days into that in terms of NO non work contact with FC, and in fact, almost NO contact at all....
it's been difficult, although I think I turned a corner on Saturday.....
and I felt momentarily guilty today when he saw me at work (first time really we've eye balled each other since it all happened) and he gave one of those weak uncomfortable smiles - I didn't even move my lips - no smile, no making him feel better...nope, I took absolutely NO responsibility for him, for once....
and sure that was difficult as I don't really see that as me, but you know what? for almost 15 months I have put his needs ahead of mine (and yes, that's my bad not his), have considered him ahead of me and have always done what I thought would make him feel better - well fuck that - today I had NO desire to make him feel better - let him squirm, if he even noticed....
sooo in addition to that, and I think probably not in addition to but because of, I am now into day 7 of a hideous bacterial respiratory infection and my 4th day off work with 2 more (mandated by Dr) to come....
and I am exhausted (that will happen when you can't breathe properly) but still, boring! so starting tomorrow morning i'll be doing my best to watch as many episodes of the Mentalist (my new thing) whilst trying to recover....
had my first ever stint on a nebuliser today - interesting! daunting at first, but worked a treat - especially loved the crazy head spins it gave me...
oh well, 15 days in - starting to feel good - starting to see him for who he is and not really missing the games/drama that is being with FC or being a 'friend' of FC...
mentioned to BD today the thing I have been wanting to mention for a while - he gets it - and that's just one of the reasons I love him....so, another conversation to follow there but at least it's not just me and my sensitive self!
ok, nite
it's been difficult, although I think I turned a corner on Saturday.....
and I felt momentarily guilty today when he saw me at work (first time really we've eye balled each other since it all happened) and he gave one of those weak uncomfortable smiles - I didn't even move my lips - no smile, no making him feel better...nope, I took absolutely NO responsibility for him, for once....
and sure that was difficult as I don't really see that as me, but you know what? for almost 15 months I have put his needs ahead of mine (and yes, that's my bad not his), have considered him ahead of me and have always done what I thought would make him feel better - well fuck that - today I had NO desire to make him feel better - let him squirm, if he even noticed....
sooo in addition to that, and I think probably not in addition to but because of, I am now into day 7 of a hideous bacterial respiratory infection and my 4th day off work with 2 more (mandated by Dr) to come....
and I am exhausted (that will happen when you can't breathe properly) but still, boring! so starting tomorrow morning i'll be doing my best to watch as many episodes of the Mentalist (my new thing) whilst trying to recover....
had my first ever stint on a nebuliser today - interesting! daunting at first, but worked a treat - especially loved the crazy head spins it gave me...
oh well, 15 days in - starting to feel good - starting to see him for who he is and not really missing the games/drama that is being with FC or being a 'friend' of FC...
mentioned to BD today the thing I have been wanting to mention for a while - he gets it - and that's just one of the reasons I love him....so, another conversation to follow there but at least it's not just me and my sensitive self!
ok, nite
Thursday, May 23, 2013
so it's been my decision....
to cut ties with Nick, and yet, I still find myself wondering if he'll make contact....especially since I haven't been at work for the best part of a week (well, by tomorrow that will be true) and he hasn't even done the 'where u?' or 'u ok?' text....
admittedly he did do that on Saturday night and I ignored it....guess he's got the message, and for that I should be happy....
and mostly it's ok, but it also feels very weird and just occasionally I miss him, miss talking to him.....
it's getting better, but then occasionally what pops into my head is this: 'should I have told him?'....
why oh why would I say that? this is someone who has consistently (ironic really that in the area I like least about him he was consistent - ha!) done exactly what he wanted to and seemingly with little or no thought to the impact it would have on me, and when I do it, for the first time, I feel bad about it....
what a joke! really, what a joke....
oh well....i'm ok mostly....
admittedly he did do that on Saturday night and I ignored it....guess he's got the message, and for that I should be happy....
and mostly it's ok, but it also feels very weird and just occasionally I miss him, miss talking to him.....
it's getting better, but then occasionally what pops into my head is this: 'should I have told him?'....
why oh why would I say that? this is someone who has consistently (ironic really that in the area I like least about him he was consistent - ha!) done exactly what he wanted to and seemingly with little or no thought to the impact it would have on me, and when I do it, for the first time, I feel bad about it....
what a joke! really, what a joke....
oh well....i'm ok mostly....
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
mean mean reds...
and i'm not even sure that's a good description of how i'm feeling...i'm angry, i'm hurt, I feel let down and I feel as though, in addition to all of that, and last weeks trauma, i'm in the middle of an existential crisis...again
in addition to that, the sanctuary seems a long way from being a sanctuary right now - the en suite renovation that was supposed to take 3 weeks tops, is now into week 4....and sure, I didn't actually expect that when the guy said 3 weeks, it would be, but i'm over having to live in a bomb site - especially when I want to hide away from the world.....it's not exactly relaxing! no wonder i'm not sleeping the best, no wonder I feel jittery and anxious, and that's how I feel - I feel like I can't relax, wondering when a tradesman or other will simply turn up!
bit over being back here, and sure maybe it's a lesson, maybe there's something for me to learn here (I already know there is, just trying to sift through it all to work out which lesson i'm meant to get - seems right now there is more than one lesson)..
boundaries, expectations, who I am, what I stand for, what I want, relying on others (maybe that's expectations?), noticing how others do what they want when they want but I spend a lot of time doing stuff for others (yep, it's becoming glaringly obvious!)....
and wondering when it will feel ok for me to do what I like, rather than putting the needs of others ahead of my own? I wonder!
so this is now a few days old, but I was definitely feeling crap when I started writing it - I no longer am...physically yes, as I have some chest infection which is making breathing rather challenging, but emotionally, coming good....
some bubble time has helped and I no longer feel like i'm in the midst of a crisis, existential or otherwise....so, time to press reset and set myself some goals...
mean mean reds begone for a while....(post from Monday 20 May)
in addition to that, the sanctuary seems a long way from being a sanctuary right now - the en suite renovation that was supposed to take 3 weeks tops, is now into week 4....and sure, I didn't actually expect that when the guy said 3 weeks, it would be, but i'm over having to live in a bomb site - especially when I want to hide away from the world.....it's not exactly relaxing! no wonder i'm not sleeping the best, no wonder I feel jittery and anxious, and that's how I feel - I feel like I can't relax, wondering when a tradesman or other will simply turn up!
bit over being back here, and sure maybe it's a lesson, maybe there's something for me to learn here (I already know there is, just trying to sift through it all to work out which lesson i'm meant to get - seems right now there is more than one lesson)..
boundaries, expectations, who I am, what I stand for, what I want, relying on others (maybe that's expectations?), noticing how others do what they want when they want but I spend a lot of time doing stuff for others (yep, it's becoming glaringly obvious!)....
and wondering when it will feel ok for me to do what I like, rather than putting the needs of others ahead of my own? I wonder!
so this is now a few days old, but I was definitely feeling crap when I started writing it - I no longer am...physically yes, as I have some chest infection which is making breathing rather challenging, but emotionally, coming good....
some bubble time has helped and I no longer feel like i'm in the midst of a crisis, existential or otherwise....so, time to press reset and set myself some goals...
mean mean reds begone for a while....(post from Monday 20 May)
might make some more commitments to
self now that i'm no longer consumed with commitments to FC....and sure, I have the occasional pang of guilt that I've effectively just cut him off, but it's the first time I've looked after me in relation to him and that has to stay....
so the commitments are this:
- continue with the healthy eating and attempting to shed a few pounds
- write blog more, it's good for me
- read more good books - they provide an excellent escape and in a way, research
- do some ebaying!
- get back into writing and set a realistic goal to finish draft 1 of that novel!
yep, a plan is always good - even though i'm a go with the flow person, a plan is good....
so the commitments are this:
- continue with the healthy eating and attempting to shed a few pounds
- write blog more, it's good for me
- read more good books - they provide an excellent escape and in a way, research
- do some ebaying!
- get back into writing and set a realistic goal to finish draft 1 of that novel!
yep, a plan is always good - even though i'm a go with the flow person, a plan is good....
it's taken me the best part of a year
to cut non work ties with FC, and once I found out about his dysfunctional 'she's hardly a girlfriend' 'it's not what you think' relationship with S, that kind of did it for me...
so sure, maybe in his head he didn't lie to me, but he has deceived me and for probably the best part of a year - in my head, he led me on, waited til i'd fallen for him, then dumped me, then just as quickly as he allegedly gave up shagging her (his words), picked up with her again....
I feel used, I feel as though he took what he wanted from me and then discarded me when it got too hard - meaning, when he really started to like me...
it absolutely is his loss, I know that...and I waiver between really believing that and just repeating it to myself over and over again so that when i'm doubting it, it keeps me grounded and reminds me of why I needed to cut ties with him...
and yes, that was for me - not for the younger version of me who desperately wants to be loved, by anyone, no, for the 44 year old woman in me who knows I deserve something better
that woman who doesn't want to be strung along by someone who's not willing to take a risk to be happy
that woman who doesn't want to just be 'friends' so that he gets his cake and gets to eat it too
that woman who is starting to really believe that a) she is worthy of someone as fabulous as she is but also that b) he just might be out there
that woman who's dear friend Leah keeps telling her that FC is standing in the path of true happiness, and I think i'm finally coming around to her way of thinking
that woman who has so much to offer to another person, that woman who doesn't just want to give it away to someone who doesn't appreciate it or can't handle it...
and really that woman who is finally starting to love herself...and sure it's taken some time, a whole raft of pain, and it's taken some false starts (with Chris, and Ben, and FC and pretty much every other bloke I've been with)....but I feel as though i'm finally getting there...
and yes, I miss contact with him, but that will pass - it's been 11 days and it's starting to feel ok, normal even....and yes, when stuff happens at work my initial reaction is to want to share it with him, but then I remember how hard I have worked to try and instill the boundaries that will keep me safe, that will prevent me from holding out hope that he will become the person i'd like to be with and actually then want to be with me....
so, yes, onwards and upwards....and I wonder if in some way the breathing difficulties I am having, and the current bout of illness is a reminder of that - metaphorically it's the universe telling me to let go of FC, of my hopes that him and I could have a happy relationship - and to realise that in being with him I wouldn't be able to breathe, that he would suffocate me and blow out my dreams for myself....
so yes, it's taken me a while, and i'm certain i'm not 100% there yet, but i'm trying and it's starting to get easier....
one step at a time...yes, it's the only way....
nite world xx
so sure, maybe in his head he didn't lie to me, but he has deceived me and for probably the best part of a year - in my head, he led me on, waited til i'd fallen for him, then dumped me, then just as quickly as he allegedly gave up shagging her (his words), picked up with her again....
I feel used, I feel as though he took what he wanted from me and then discarded me when it got too hard - meaning, when he really started to like me...
it absolutely is his loss, I know that...and I waiver between really believing that and just repeating it to myself over and over again so that when i'm doubting it, it keeps me grounded and reminds me of why I needed to cut ties with him...
and yes, that was for me - not for the younger version of me who desperately wants to be loved, by anyone, no, for the 44 year old woman in me who knows I deserve something better
that woman who doesn't want to be strung along by someone who's not willing to take a risk to be happy
that woman who doesn't want to just be 'friends' so that he gets his cake and gets to eat it too
that woman who is starting to really believe that a) she is worthy of someone as fabulous as she is but also that b) he just might be out there
that woman who's dear friend Leah keeps telling her that FC is standing in the path of true happiness, and I think i'm finally coming around to her way of thinking
that woman who has so much to offer to another person, that woman who doesn't just want to give it away to someone who doesn't appreciate it or can't handle it...
and really that woman who is finally starting to love herself...and sure it's taken some time, a whole raft of pain, and it's taken some false starts (with Chris, and Ben, and FC and pretty much every other bloke I've been with)....but I feel as though i'm finally getting there...
and yes, I miss contact with him, but that will pass - it's been 11 days and it's starting to feel ok, normal even....and yes, when stuff happens at work my initial reaction is to want to share it with him, but then I remember how hard I have worked to try and instill the boundaries that will keep me safe, that will prevent me from holding out hope that he will become the person i'd like to be with and actually then want to be with me....
so, yes, onwards and upwards....and I wonder if in some way the breathing difficulties I am having, and the current bout of illness is a reminder of that - metaphorically it's the universe telling me to let go of FC, of my hopes that him and I could have a happy relationship - and to realise that in being with him I wouldn't be able to breathe, that he would suffocate me and blow out my dreams for myself....
so yes, it's taken me a while, and i'm certain i'm not 100% there yet, but i'm trying and it's starting to get easier....
one step at a time...yes, it's the only way....
nite world xx
Monday, May 20, 2013
i wasted more than a year
hoping that FC would love me....
hoping that my suspicion he was shagging someone who used to work with us was not the girl he was 'shagging;...
hoping he might wake up and realise he's crazy about me
hoping that he would get over whatever fear is holding him back from committing himself to a real relationship
but it seems it was futile, and frankly, nothing short of soul destroying....not sure why I did it really...
well, that's not entirely true but still, a whole year, a whole year letting his dysfunction, his fear of commitment, his issues make me feel less than I am
and now, now that I know for sure that he would rather be in a meaningless dysfunctional relationship than with me, i'm sad and I would dearly love to run away
I want to be in my favourite city, surrounded by stuff I love and focusing on me and my book, rather I find myself having to go to work 5 days a week and be confronted by him
a part of me feels traumatized every time I see him
and i wouldn't normally allow myself to think that it's been a waste as i usually find a way to see how every journey is worthwhile, but really, this one has been futile....from the get go i knew he wasn't right for me, but i wanted so badly for him to love me...
and not him
nope, this goes back a long long long long way...
and this is when this stuff hurts so much....and yes i believe we can heal our pasts, but it's difficult and painful and i guess, based on my own experience, it takes a lot of repeat mistakes before it's possible to see them for what they are....and sure, liking FC and hoping he would become the person i wanted was futile, a repeat of my life long pattern, but no less painful, and in many ways a LOT more painful....
so now, as i try and come to terms with the real loss (the loss of hope - he simply is never going to be that person, he's never going to turn up and say 'i'm an idiot, i love you, i want to be the man you want'...and the loss of his friendship and confidence at work) i am sad, i am hurting and i feel lost...
but truth be told, in the beginning i only ever agreed to be friends with him thinking it would give him some space and time and that in that space, and in that time, he would, in fact, come back....would see his way to find his way back to me, to us....
but nope, it's gone....
and as i type this and the tears silently run down my face and i listen to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years, i feel as though i have loved Nick for a thousand years - and sure i'm not sure i really loved him...
but really, how else could i be so impacted? so hurt, and right now feel so lost?
i miss him....
hoping that my suspicion he was shagging someone who used to work with us was not the girl he was 'shagging;...
hoping he might wake up and realise he's crazy about me
hoping that he would get over whatever fear is holding him back from committing himself to a real relationship
but it seems it was futile, and frankly, nothing short of soul destroying....not sure why I did it really...
well, that's not entirely true but still, a whole year, a whole year letting his dysfunction, his fear of commitment, his issues make me feel less than I am
and now, now that I know for sure that he would rather be in a meaningless dysfunctional relationship than with me, i'm sad and I would dearly love to run away
I want to be in my favourite city, surrounded by stuff I love and focusing on me and my book, rather I find myself having to go to work 5 days a week and be confronted by him
a part of me feels traumatized every time I see him
and i wouldn't normally allow myself to think that it's been a waste as i usually find a way to see how every journey is worthwhile, but really, this one has been futile....from the get go i knew he wasn't right for me, but i wanted so badly for him to love me...
and not him
nope, this goes back a long long long long way...
and this is when this stuff hurts so much....and yes i believe we can heal our pasts, but it's difficult and painful and i guess, based on my own experience, it takes a lot of repeat mistakes before it's possible to see them for what they are....and sure, liking FC and hoping he would become the person i wanted was futile, a repeat of my life long pattern, but no less painful, and in many ways a LOT more painful....
so now, as i try and come to terms with the real loss (the loss of hope - he simply is never going to be that person, he's never going to turn up and say 'i'm an idiot, i love you, i want to be the man you want'...and the loss of his friendship and confidence at work) i am sad, i am hurting and i feel lost...
but truth be told, in the beginning i only ever agreed to be friends with him thinking it would give him some space and time and that in that space, and in that time, he would, in fact, come back....would see his way to find his way back to me, to us....
but nope, it's gone....
and as i type this and the tears silently run down my face and i listen to Christina Perri's A Thousand Years, i feel as though i have loved Nick for a thousand years - and sure i'm not sure i really loved him...
but really, how else could i be so impacted? so hurt, and right now feel so lost?
i miss him....
Monday, May 13, 2013
predictable, and yet
still unreliable...
so in true form, FC texts me last night to find out what I was on about...I reply simply with 'her name'....long and short of it is he basically says nothing's changed, he told me he was shagging someone and after i'd asked him if he was seeing her when he was seeing me, he didn't think it would be a good idea to mention it (no fucking kidding)...he says he wasn't shagging her whilst seeing me (how big of him), that a little bit of knowledge is dangerous, that I am probably wrong in whatever thoughts are going through my head and that she is 'hardly a girlfriend'....
I don't know if I feel sick that I liked someone who could be like that, or sorry for her that she willingly lets him treat her like this?
both are bad...and highlight the sort of person he is (and yes, I know I've spent the best part of a year liking him, wanting to be with him etc): so what sort of person is he....
well, inconsistent, unempathic (mostly), lacks EQ, has no concept of boundaries, doesn't know what he's doing, has no idea how he impacts me, says one thing but doesn't follow through, seems incapable of letting himself commit to someone, has little or no understanding of emotions, his or anyone elses, thinks he's a man about town, smokes too much, drinks too much...shall I go on?
no, best not to...funny, was thinking of that fateful night in late April last year where we had an almighty row, the night where he told me that i'd never said anything nice to him and couldn't articulate what I liked about him - and you know what? when I think back to that time, other than wanting him to love me because that's what I wanted, I really couldn't find anything I liked about him (other than you're smart, you have nice eyes, you're challenging)....i'm pretty sure that other than being smart, none of these things are things on my list...
hmmm, interesting observation right there and not like it's the only time I've had that thought....
so sure, he thinks nothing's changed, and really it hasn't - he isn't good enough for me and I need to accept that he ain't coming back, that in reality, I don't want him to come back, and I need to find a way that works for me of putting some boundaries in place to protect my fragile (yet resilient) little heart...
managed to pull myself together to get to work today, and not only to get there but to smile, be happy and function....very proud of self...
so, I think as I go to bed i'm going to jot down a few things i'm grateful for (aka my gratitude journal for 13 May 2013)...my beautiful friends Leah and Sara who were there yesterday to listen and support, thank you...for my job, which I love (of course i'd love it more if he weren't there) and for my books (yes, right now I am craving more bubble time than ever and I find myself losing myself in a good book - perhaps it's simply a precursor to me picking Lexie back up and finishing her story?)...
anyway, tonight, despite the tough couple of days, i'm grateful...grateful he no longer impacts me like he used to, grateful I feel stronger, grateful for my fabulous friends, my wonderful home and tonight, a comfy and warm bed and a bloody good book...
nite xxx
so in true form, FC texts me last night to find out what I was on about...I reply simply with 'her name'....long and short of it is he basically says nothing's changed, he told me he was shagging someone and after i'd asked him if he was seeing her when he was seeing me, he didn't think it would be a good idea to mention it (no fucking kidding)...he says he wasn't shagging her whilst seeing me (how big of him), that a little bit of knowledge is dangerous, that I am probably wrong in whatever thoughts are going through my head and that she is 'hardly a girlfriend'....
I don't know if I feel sick that I liked someone who could be like that, or sorry for her that she willingly lets him treat her like this?
both are bad...and highlight the sort of person he is (and yes, I know I've spent the best part of a year liking him, wanting to be with him etc): so what sort of person is he....
well, inconsistent, unempathic (mostly), lacks EQ, has no concept of boundaries, doesn't know what he's doing, has no idea how he impacts me, says one thing but doesn't follow through, seems incapable of letting himself commit to someone, has little or no understanding of emotions, his or anyone elses, thinks he's a man about town, smokes too much, drinks too much...shall I go on?
no, best not to...funny, was thinking of that fateful night in late April last year where we had an almighty row, the night where he told me that i'd never said anything nice to him and couldn't articulate what I liked about him - and you know what? when I think back to that time, other than wanting him to love me because that's what I wanted, I really couldn't find anything I liked about him (other than you're smart, you have nice eyes, you're challenging)....i'm pretty sure that other than being smart, none of these things are things on my list...
hmmm, interesting observation right there and not like it's the only time I've had that thought....
so sure, he thinks nothing's changed, and really it hasn't - he isn't good enough for me and I need to accept that he ain't coming back, that in reality, I don't want him to come back, and I need to find a way that works for me of putting some boundaries in place to protect my fragile (yet resilient) little heart...
managed to pull myself together to get to work today, and not only to get there but to smile, be happy and function....very proud of self...
so, I think as I go to bed i'm going to jot down a few things i'm grateful for (aka my gratitude journal for 13 May 2013)...my beautiful friends Leah and Sara who were there yesterday to listen and support, thank you...for my job, which I love (of course i'd love it more if he weren't there) and for my books (yes, right now I am craving more bubble time than ever and I find myself losing myself in a good book - perhaps it's simply a precursor to me picking Lexie back up and finishing her story?)...
anyway, tonight, despite the tough couple of days, i'm grateful...grateful he no longer impacts me like he used to, grateful I feel stronger, grateful for my fabulous friends, my wonderful home and tonight, a comfy and warm bed and a bloody good book...
nite xxx
i want more...
so something compelled me to read over my first blog posts today...not sure what or why but I found myself reading a post about Pete....a lovely guy I dated a coupla years back...
despite a few false starts, we just couldn't get it together....and eventually he sent me a message saying "Sarah, I'm sorry but you must accept that i feel friendship isn't sustainable for us. Because I always thought about having more than just that. In the end I realised my pretending otherwise is not good for anyone. That's why I'm not available. I figured you got that as well. I just can't be what you would like because we can't be anything else. I tried. But I can't. I need more".......
so funny that in light of events of recent days I would stumble across this as there is a HUGE part of me that wants to say a similar thing to Nick...
and believe me I've tried....he knows I wanted more than friendship (then, not sure I would now), he knows that I never wanted anything casual (like he seems to be capable of) and I've told him (as recently as last night) that friendship doesn't work and that work is difficult for me, I've told him it would be easier if he'd leave....
and yet! fuck, what more must I do? and even though he's been quiet today (this is normal after some sort of big thing between us), this could continue and that might be good - of course i'd rather be in control of that (must think about what that's all about)...but really, if we didn't work together I would have told him ages ago that I wanted NO contact whatsoever...
and yet, the fear of what could happen at work stops me putting myself first...
anyway, perhaps i'll work up the courage to tell him something similar to what Pete told me...
perhaps...
despite a few false starts, we just couldn't get it together....and eventually he sent me a message saying "Sarah, I'm sorry but you must accept that i feel friendship isn't sustainable for us. Because I always thought about having more than just that. In the end I realised my pretending otherwise is not good for anyone. That's why I'm not available. I figured you got that as well. I just can't be what you would like because we can't be anything else. I tried. But I can't. I need more".......
so funny that in light of events of recent days I would stumble across this as there is a HUGE part of me that wants to say a similar thing to Nick...
and believe me I've tried....he knows I wanted more than friendship (then, not sure I would now), he knows that I never wanted anything casual (like he seems to be capable of) and I've told him (as recently as last night) that friendship doesn't work and that work is difficult for me, I've told him it would be easier if he'd leave....
and yet! fuck, what more must I do? and even though he's been quiet today (this is normal after some sort of big thing between us), this could continue and that might be good - of course i'd rather be in control of that (must think about what that's all about)...but really, if we didn't work together I would have told him ages ago that I wanted NO contact whatsoever...
and yet, the fear of what could happen at work stops me putting myself first...
anyway, perhaps i'll work up the courage to tell him something similar to what Pete told me...
perhaps...
Sunday, May 12, 2013
so this morning, i've kind of
observed my thoughts - where they went, how much I give him power in all of this (of course, Sal has mentioned that previously) and mostly what I found odd was the following thought "how am I going to be around him tomorrow?"...
when really, why would I be anything other than me? he doesn't know I saw him, in my heart I already knew he'd moved on, all that's different is I have confirmation...
and sure I feel a bit stupid, wondering if people know he's 'seeing her' and how stupid I feel for still having feelings for him, for hoping he'll a) turn into a decent person and b) come back....all kind of sad really...
and there's the part of me that knows that if we didn't work together, i'd be over him by now - yep, I would....so I wonder what I can do to protect myself from him and boundary less ways, infiltrating my head and sometimes my heart...sure, maybe he does it unknowingly, or even unwittingly (I like that word, especially in relation to him!) but still, he has and always has had an impact on me, and i'm over it...
not over him necessarily, but over how much he impacts me and how much I let him impact me...
so today will be a day of fortifying myself ahead of tomorrow, where not only do I have to see him at work, but from 10 - 1 he'll be in a workshop i'm running - fuck! is there no getting away from him?
moving him to level 6 will help, him leaving (he's never going to leave) would help - in fact there's a big part of me that would like to say to him 'fucking leave already'...
and you know what stops me? a) my role and b) me wondering if that will give him more power because he will then know how much I still care for him/like him...
it's a no win situation - really should not have gotten involved with him at all....bit late to be saying that, but it's true...
and then there's that wave of 'you prick, all you did was play with my heart for a while then go back to your casual shagging with the other S'....I don't know if i'm hurt, angry, feel stupid, feel strung on or all of the above...
going for a walk!
when really, why would I be anything other than me? he doesn't know I saw him, in my heart I already knew he'd moved on, all that's different is I have confirmation...
and sure I feel a bit stupid, wondering if people know he's 'seeing her' and how stupid I feel for still having feelings for him, for hoping he'll a) turn into a decent person and b) come back....all kind of sad really...
and there's the part of me that knows that if we didn't work together, i'd be over him by now - yep, I would....so I wonder what I can do to protect myself from him and boundary less ways, infiltrating my head and sometimes my heart...sure, maybe he does it unknowingly, or even unwittingly (I like that word, especially in relation to him!) but still, he has and always has had an impact on me, and i'm over it...
not over him necessarily, but over how much he impacts me and how much I let him impact me...
so today will be a day of fortifying myself ahead of tomorrow, where not only do I have to see him at work, but from 10 - 1 he'll be in a workshop i'm running - fuck! is there no getting away from him?
moving him to level 6 will help, him leaving (he's never going to leave) would help - in fact there's a big part of me that would like to say to him 'fucking leave already'...
and you know what stops me? a) my role and b) me wondering if that will give him more power because he will then know how much I still care for him/like him...
it's a no win situation - really should not have gotten involved with him at all....bit late to be saying that, but it's true...
and then there's that wave of 'you prick, all you did was play with my heart for a while then go back to your casual shagging with the other S'....I don't know if i'm hurt, angry, feel stupid, feel strung on or all of the above...
going for a walk!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
nothing has
really changed...both Leah and Sal have said that before, and really, what happened today doesn't actually change things, other than I suspect he strung me along and was two timing me - guess that's not the first time I've thought that...now maybe I just have more of an inkling...
but really, what has changed?
absolutely nothing...he's still not relationship material, i'm pretty certain other than being a useful confidante at work (although now i'm even questioning that) there's nothing else to recommend him...
but really, what has changed?
absolutely nothing...he's still not relationship material, i'm pretty certain other than being a useful confidante at work (although now i'm even questioning that) there's nothing else to recommend him...
- he smokes
- he drinks too much
- he can't do emotions
- seems incapable of committing himself wholeheartedly to anything
- he strings people along (in particular, me)
- he's occasionally rude
- socially unaware
- has shit boundaries
- and mostly, has NO idea how much he hurt me and seems incapable of realising that leaving me alone (better, just leaving work) is probably the best thing....
i get that today is not
a day to be making decisions, but I do think that the events of today were carefully orchestrated by the universe as a wake up call...
for me!
my beautiful, sometimes sad, creative head...
so as I take my weary self to bed (reading a great great book right now - must say, am enjoying being back into books!) at least I feel together...kinda sad, but together, and really, ok...
not great, not sad, not devastated, just ok....
and that's ok too!
nite
x
for me!
- to see things as they are
- to see him for the sort of person he is
- to see what life would be like if we were actually together
- to see that no matter what, even if he did come back (he won't) I don't really want to be with somebody like him, even though a small part of me (the old part, the part who's well practiced at taking responsibility, for running after someone who doesn't love me) would like it to be so
- to see that I need to focus on me and what I want and stop asking 'what does he want?', 'what does he get out of being friends with me?', 'what's his motivation for doing xx?'...
my beautiful, sometimes sad, creative head...
so as I take my weary self to bed (reading a great great book right now - must say, am enjoying being back into books!) at least I feel together...kinda sad, but together, and really, ok...
not great, not sad, not devastated, just ok....
and that's ok too!
nite
x
seriously, what are the
fucking odds of that happening? seriously, hours later I am still spinning....
so years ago I remember getting a pair of knee high boots at this little shop in Balmain (yes, you read it correctly) and thinking I needed to get a pair with a heel (the Wittner ones I tend to wear, because they fit over my calves, don't have a heel) so that in wearing them all through winter I don't feel so short or dumpy (just being honest - am a bit heavier than i'd like to be right now)....
so on Thursday, realising that I had a very quiet weekend without many things planned, I decided that I would venture out to Balmain...yes, I know, I haven't been there much since Nick and I split, but I really wanted to see if I could find some boots...
so after a very successful Chatswood trip where I find not one but two pairs of flat boots, I mentally get myself ready for Balmain...
so imagine my surprise, actually, no it's more akin to horror then when i'm in the checkout and hear a familiar cough/clearing of the throat (yes, the smokers cough)....
so I turn around, as yet undecided as to whether i'm saying hello, would be weird - thoughts of 'fuck he'll think i'm stalking him, or him saying what are you doing in Balmain?' centre stage.....so I turn around, see the back of his head and the girl who used to work where we work with him...
yes, not just him, but her - the one i'm pretty sure he needed to 'tie up loose ends' of when he started seeing me, the one who when I said to him 'were you seeing her too?' his response wasn't 'no' but rather 'as if I had time?' (not exactly a resounding no)......so it would seem (following our text messages of the other week where he told me 'you don't want to know what I do on my weekends') he was right....
so, he no sooner leads me on, breaks up with me, than picks up with her again, or worse, he never stopped shagging her whilst he was seeing me - kinda explains a lot really...often not available, often ignoring me - probably was with her...
and sure I know they are friends, he's never hidden this, but he has essentially lied to me and I don't care if he's done it out of some false sense of looking after my feelings, bottom line is he's deceived me...
what I will say is she didn't look happy! mind, she never did and how could anyone be happy with him? I mean not like he's overly caring or feeling, or capable of dealing with anything on an emotional level, and if I was her, I wouldn't be overly happy with the fact that he spends a LOT of time talking to me.....
fuck! how could I be so blind? how could I not have seen it? how could I have assumed it was idle gossip when I heard he was seeing her - worse, when I heard he'd told other people he was seeing her.....
I so don't want to have to deal with him at work anymore - and sure he's been a very good support to me, but I think me treating him as a confidante works better for him than it does for me....sad thing is, I have no idea how to change that? boundaries - how the hell do I create a boundary (without feeling the need to announce it) so that I will be safe....
safe from his inconsistent behaviour, his only getting in touch (mostly) when it suits him or when he wants to have a whinge....
sure, and then there's the fact that he simply didn't choose me...and i'm left holding that....feeling not good enough, that I couldn't even make it work with him....
yep, i'm so impacted by seeing him, and whilst I know it was probably the universe ultimately trying to tell me it's time, but i'm hurting right now....
thankfully the only thing I need to do now is get in the bubble, and I don't have to come out until Monday morning...
not sure if i'm more annoyed with myself for continuing to see him for someone he isn't and for hoping that he might come back...he is NOT coming back and I need to not only face that but embrace it....yes, embrace it, and remember that there is a growing part of me that doesn't want to be with him - knowing I wouldn't be happy, wouldn't be satisfied and would always be looking/wanting for more....
and yet!
fuck....plenty of thinking to do in that bubble!
so years ago I remember getting a pair of knee high boots at this little shop in Balmain (yes, you read it correctly) and thinking I needed to get a pair with a heel (the Wittner ones I tend to wear, because they fit over my calves, don't have a heel) so that in wearing them all through winter I don't feel so short or dumpy (just being honest - am a bit heavier than i'd like to be right now)....
so on Thursday, realising that I had a very quiet weekend without many things planned, I decided that I would venture out to Balmain...yes, I know, I haven't been there much since Nick and I split, but I really wanted to see if I could find some boots...
so after a very successful Chatswood trip where I find not one but two pairs of flat boots, I mentally get myself ready for Balmain...
so imagine my surprise, actually, no it's more akin to horror then when i'm in the checkout and hear a familiar cough/clearing of the throat (yes, the smokers cough)....
so I turn around, as yet undecided as to whether i'm saying hello, would be weird - thoughts of 'fuck he'll think i'm stalking him, or him saying what are you doing in Balmain?' centre stage.....so I turn around, see the back of his head and the girl who used to work where we work with him...
yes, not just him, but her - the one i'm pretty sure he needed to 'tie up loose ends' of when he started seeing me, the one who when I said to him 'were you seeing her too?' his response wasn't 'no' but rather 'as if I had time?' (not exactly a resounding no)......so it would seem (following our text messages of the other week where he told me 'you don't want to know what I do on my weekends') he was right....
so, he no sooner leads me on, breaks up with me, than picks up with her again, or worse, he never stopped shagging her whilst he was seeing me - kinda explains a lot really...often not available, often ignoring me - probably was with her...
and sure I know they are friends, he's never hidden this, but he has essentially lied to me and I don't care if he's done it out of some false sense of looking after my feelings, bottom line is he's deceived me...
what I will say is she didn't look happy! mind, she never did and how could anyone be happy with him? I mean not like he's overly caring or feeling, or capable of dealing with anything on an emotional level, and if I was her, I wouldn't be overly happy with the fact that he spends a LOT of time talking to me.....
fuck! how could I be so blind? how could I not have seen it? how could I have assumed it was idle gossip when I heard he was seeing her - worse, when I heard he'd told other people he was seeing her.....
I so don't want to have to deal with him at work anymore - and sure he's been a very good support to me, but I think me treating him as a confidante works better for him than it does for me....sad thing is, I have no idea how to change that? boundaries - how the hell do I create a boundary (without feeling the need to announce it) so that I will be safe....
safe from his inconsistent behaviour, his only getting in touch (mostly) when it suits him or when he wants to have a whinge....
sure, and then there's the fact that he simply didn't choose me...and i'm left holding that....feeling not good enough, that I couldn't even make it work with him....
yep, i'm so impacted by seeing him, and whilst I know it was probably the universe ultimately trying to tell me it's time, but i'm hurting right now....
thankfully the only thing I need to do now is get in the bubble, and I don't have to come out until Monday morning...
not sure if i'm more annoyed with myself for continuing to see him for someone he isn't and for hoping that he might come back...he is NOT coming back and I need to not only face that but embrace it....yes, embrace it, and remember that there is a growing part of me that doesn't want to be with him - knowing I wouldn't be happy, wouldn't be satisfied and would always be looking/wanting for more....
and yet!
fuck....plenty of thinking to do in that bubble!
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
expectation management
and no, this is not the title of a training course i'm running or even writing...it's the title of something that for a long time I've known re FC...meaning that I think my expectations of him constantly lead me to be disappointed...
he also told me the other night that me having realistic expectations would be a good start to both of us finding things less difficult between us...
so, I've taken that on board, I've thought it through and I guess he's right in some respects, but really, there are plenty of things I expect from a 'friend' and he just doesn't live up to them, and that's about him, not about me, as my other friends do....
so true: he doesn't fit my ideal picture of a friend, he's sometimes rude (although I rarely find him rude these days, especially now I understand him more), pretty much consistently inconsistent, runs hot and cold, seems obsessed with talking about work, and sadly, often the same things over and over and over again, seems to be oblivious to how important to me the social niceties are in a relationship - meaning, he doesn't always ask how I am, even when I've asked him, he often ignores things I say as I suspect he thinks they aren't important, and worst of all, he often just drops out of a conversation (yep, that one does my head in)...
and let's be serious, none of this is new, none of it should surprise me anymore, and I guess in writing this blog, it's less about me being surprised, or disappointed, but perhaps a realisation that me having expectations about him, even as a friend, is futile...
hmmm, got some more thinking to do on this...
he also told me the other night that me having realistic expectations would be a good start to both of us finding things less difficult between us...
so, I've taken that on board, I've thought it through and I guess he's right in some respects, but really, there are plenty of things I expect from a 'friend' and he just doesn't live up to them, and that's about him, not about me, as my other friends do....
so true: he doesn't fit my ideal picture of a friend, he's sometimes rude (although I rarely find him rude these days, especially now I understand him more), pretty much consistently inconsistent, runs hot and cold, seems obsessed with talking about work, and sadly, often the same things over and over and over again, seems to be oblivious to how important to me the social niceties are in a relationship - meaning, he doesn't always ask how I am, even when I've asked him, he often ignores things I say as I suspect he thinks they aren't important, and worst of all, he often just drops out of a conversation (yep, that one does my head in)...
and let's be serious, none of this is new, none of it should surprise me anymore, and I guess in writing this blog, it's less about me being surprised, or disappointed, but perhaps a realisation that me having expectations about him, even as a friend, is futile...
hmmm, got some more thinking to do on this...
highs and lows...
that's what life is right? a series of highs a lows? a game where the trick is to find more highs than lows? and I don't mean game to sound cynical...nope, just an observation, or perhaps it's just my current state of mind?
so today was a high! I attended a corporate presentation course at NIDA (yes, you read it right, the National Institute of Dramatic Art), and that was great, made some good connections, learned lots, had a nice taxi ride with two girls, one asked me coach her, got a great text from of my staff saying how my chat with a staff member had had a huge and positive impact on an otherwise rubbish situation....so was on a high!
yes, and in writing this I now know what changed...we are in the midst of preparing for a team off site at work, where my boss and her team (including me) will get together and spend some time together focused on our style of management....this is loosely based on feedback we'll get from our staff, and 3 of mine sent theirs today and I stupidly read them tonight...after a good day, when I was feeling so 'in my space', so incredibly 'sarah' and so supportive etc...
anyway, the feedback ain't bad, on the contrary, mostly it's good, and there's a coupla things in there I was expecting....but it's dampened my mood!
so, i'm going to try something we learned today - to set aside time tomorrow (in my working day, rather than at home) to read the feedback in more detail and consider how i'm going to respond....and tonight i'm going to get some dinner, watch the Voice, then have another early night....
my sleep pattern has finally returned to something that I consider resembles normal and likewise my voracious appetite for a good book has returned, so whilst those things are present, i'm running with them and making the most of it....
so, the feedback from the girls at the course today: passionate, supportive, encouraging, motivating and you really care about people...
makes me feel so happy that people experience me like I want to be experienced :-) I felt very proud and very much my self actualised self (as Leah would say!)....thank you girls...
funny how we tend to focus on the negative at times, or not even negative but simply someone else's experience....
yes, funny! but not unusual - us humans really do struggle to focus on the many many positive things which might be said to us or fed back to us, instead preferring (well not really, but seemingly conditioned to) to focus on the negative, which is the minority....weird that! a very weird trait indeed, and one that I intend to work hard to fix....
I often let the isolated feedback from one person derail me - last week a perfect example of that, although having said that, his feedback was particularly hurtful (70% of our interactions not useful, you and your team work like the ATO etc)....yes, bit hard to recover from that, even if you are resilient, and getting plenty of other feedback and if you know that he's simply having a go at you because you called him on something....that aside, i'm still feeling a bit fragile and I am absolutely not looking forward to having to suffer through lunch with him tomorrow...
anyway, trying to keep some boundaries in place tonight and not let work, or him, or the feedback get in my head...
it's dinner, The Voice, book, and bed...oh and a nice cup of tea and some chocolate! yes, that'll sort it all out....
nite
so today was a high! I attended a corporate presentation course at NIDA (yes, you read it right, the National Institute of Dramatic Art), and that was great, made some good connections, learned lots, had a nice taxi ride with two girls, one asked me coach her, got a great text from of my staff saying how my chat with a staff member had had a huge and positive impact on an otherwise rubbish situation....so was on a high!
yes, and in writing this I now know what changed...we are in the midst of preparing for a team off site at work, where my boss and her team (including me) will get together and spend some time together focused on our style of management....this is loosely based on feedback we'll get from our staff, and 3 of mine sent theirs today and I stupidly read them tonight...after a good day, when I was feeling so 'in my space', so incredibly 'sarah' and so supportive etc...
anyway, the feedback ain't bad, on the contrary, mostly it's good, and there's a coupla things in there I was expecting....but it's dampened my mood!
so, i'm going to try something we learned today - to set aside time tomorrow (in my working day, rather than at home) to read the feedback in more detail and consider how i'm going to respond....and tonight i'm going to get some dinner, watch the Voice, then have another early night....
my sleep pattern has finally returned to something that I consider resembles normal and likewise my voracious appetite for a good book has returned, so whilst those things are present, i'm running with them and making the most of it....
so, the feedback from the girls at the course today: passionate, supportive, encouraging, motivating and you really care about people...
makes me feel so happy that people experience me like I want to be experienced :-) I felt very proud and very much my self actualised self (as Leah would say!)....thank you girls...
funny how we tend to focus on the negative at times, or not even negative but simply someone else's experience....
yes, funny! but not unusual - us humans really do struggle to focus on the many many positive things which might be said to us or fed back to us, instead preferring (well not really, but seemingly conditioned to) to focus on the negative, which is the minority....weird that! a very weird trait indeed, and one that I intend to work hard to fix....
I often let the isolated feedback from one person derail me - last week a perfect example of that, although having said that, his feedback was particularly hurtful (70% of our interactions not useful, you and your team work like the ATO etc)....yes, bit hard to recover from that, even if you are resilient, and getting plenty of other feedback and if you know that he's simply having a go at you because you called him on something....that aside, i'm still feeling a bit fragile and I am absolutely not looking forward to having to suffer through lunch with him tomorrow...
anyway, trying to keep some boundaries in place tonight and not let work, or him, or the feedback get in my head...
it's dinner, The Voice, book, and bed...oh and a nice cup of tea and some chocolate! yes, that'll sort it all out....
nite
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