seemed things were going ok...

between FC and me, although now i think he's going to be renamed Sherlock or Holmes...Leah has been saying for ages that he reminded her of Jonny Lee Miller, even before she met him and i have to agree, the physical resemblance is remarkable...that said, i think JLM is WAY hotter and much smarter, and of course, whilst i don't think his Eli Stone character anything like FC, his Sherlock Holmes character is much more similar....

anyway, i digress....

so things, on the whole, have been going well between us - we seem, finally, to have settled into a friendship, and admittedly it's largely work based, but still.....i told him the other week that i didn't want to talk to him about work outside of work - he's been ok at trying to stick to that...

i also told him that other than work if we had nothing to talk about then perhaps we weren't really friends....

in my head possibly my way of trying to move on, to heal the hurt, to once and for all, see things for what they are rather than what i want them to be....hasn't worked too well, but what i have observed is how much less i pander to him, how much 'straighter' i simply say things and this is great for me - not to have to agonise over every word....yes, much easier sometimes to employ the ISTJ thinking/way, and of course he doesn't bat an eyelid - important lesson learned for me....

so today i have a crap day - turns out BD decided to tell me that he's overhead the program i'm running being referred to as the 'SR show' and this is not a compliment.....of course if was very hurt by this, just makes me question why i bother, but as a number of people who know me well have pointed out, it wouldn't be me if i didn't give it my all....true :-)

so i speak to FC half way thru afternoon, tell him i feel like a drink, ask him if he's doing anything, he says yes but nothing important...i ask him if he'll come to me for a drink, he says no....i do a crap job of trying to say well i'm the one in need of a drink so seems only fair you should come to me then decide to give up....he texts to tell me to let him know when i'm done so i can properly explain (don't think it needed further explanation to be honest but....), i leave work, he calls - i try and explain what i mean and he seems to find too many reasons why it's too hard so i tell him simply 'don't worry, i'll just go home'....sure, he eventually said he would catch a cab but not after a number of objections had been raised...honestly, i ran out of inclination and gave up.....

so he then texts to say i can call if i want...i tell him tis ok...then he tells me he's meeting up with the bf to organise wedding music (had no idea the bf was getting married so quickly!)....i don't respond - really, what is there to say? and then 'i feel as though i've let you down when you need a friend - i'm sorry'....

and then suddenly i remember how disappointed i often found myself when we were together...although admittedly tonight i wasn't that disappointed - if we had ended up drinking i know that he wouldn't really have been the 'friend' i needed, he listens but only til he thinks it's done, then moves on to talking about himself...yep, probably good he made it difficult...

but then a call, even a voicemail (he never leaves them), and i text to tell him i'm not pissed off....eventually we talk and of course he does not start with 'how are you?' but some whinge about his phone ring.....

it's good to see some things never change and possibly this is a reminder from the universe for me of everything that he is not...sure he tries, and sure i like him, but really, it just couldn't work between us....so how on earth do i really 'get over' what i wanted to happen with him? not even sure it's him i need to get over...

and then there's the fact that he came to find me at lunch time to tell me something that could easily have waited...but no, he chose to come to find me...Leah was here - she thinks he's still hung up on me...

soooo, not sure how i feel really beyond tired, and a bit bummed out about work - however, he did provide an interesting perspective on that: namely that those people who are saying stuff behind my back and who are whingeing have actually just identified themselves as the people we ultimately don't want here...perhaps he's right?

anyway, i'm tired, i'm still unwell and i have a 4 hour meeting (groan) at 8.30 so bed it is for me...

nite x

15 days and 4 years....

so yes, 15 days since i last blogged and suddenly i do feel as though i've turned a corner....so the boundary with FC does seem to be having a positive effect on me...added to that i am no longer sugar coating stuff with him, i am trying to 'hold him to account' in the friendship stakes meaning, if he really wants to be my friend, then i'd like him to behave like one - is that too much to ask? really? seems he's NOT really up for it though, and this shouldn't be a surprise to me - of course it is - i'm an optimist, or perhaps in this instance a dreamer, a little delusional....he's hardly ever given me reason to believe he has what it takes, and since the big 'hair cut' he is just about the only person in my world to have said nothing....yep, you read it correctly, nothing....

unbefuckinglievable really - not exactly friendship material! and what is even more amusing, in a twisted sort of a way, is just HOW many chances i give this man? what is wrong with me? and this ain't just the dreamer in me - this is way more serious!

anyway, after some prodding he finally gives in and says 'it looked very nice' but doesn't want to talk to me if he can't whinge about his day...funny, not long after we'd split i remember an email where he said i needed someone at home who would support me - and when i think about it, i think he said it coz he isn't it and maybe on some level he knew that...i also remember another time, much earlier on, where he said it made him sad he couldn't give me what i wanted...yep, i shoulda read the signs: this man has never thought he could give me what i wanted, has probably never felt up to being the man i want to be with in a relationship, but instead of really trying, of really pushing himself, he threw the towel in....and whilst that makes me a little sad, i also think well i deserve more! i deserve someone who'll fight to be with me, who'll work harder at being a better person...not just for me, but perhaps in some way, because of me?

i don't think that's too much to ask...no i don't....and funny, since i had my hair cut (8 inches gone - cool sixties type long bob) i feel freer, lighter, and less encumbered - funny how a physical change can bring about such an emotional/mental change....well not really!

i feel as though i am finally stepping into myself - into my purpose...it's cool - i feel as though i have been on the cusp for some time and i've been in the midst of a thick grey cloud - a fog that wouldn't lift, seemed every time i could see the light another storm drifted in...but finally the skies are blue, there's a rainbow whenever there is rain (there was in fact, a rainbow today)...and i feel good...

so, 15 days since i last blogged and how different i feel - positive, comfortable, more confident, and determined to make a difference - i have that creative 'i want to change the world' thinking and energy...love it, just gotta harness it!

and it's also been 4 years today....4 years since my beautiful Granda died...truly one of the saddest days of my life, but it makes me happy to know that for 40 wonderful years he was my mentor, my friend and one of my biggest advocates....he taught me so much about life and about being a good person, really, who could ask for more? my fondest childhood, and some of my adulthood ones too, memories include him....rest in peace beautiful man - miss you always....

and of course, this time 4 years ago i came home to hear he had died, my dad half way around the world, jobless and directionless...on that day i lost so much...and then i found myself...

and this time last year, well that was an entirely different story - in the midst of the FC induced heartache after he did his first 'silent' thing....wow! i still like him, but i am now really seeing him for what he is rather than what i want him to be....

amazing how different things can look 4 years on....and sure i'm still looking for that seemingly elusive significant other but i think he is closer than ever....

next chapter: friendship, commitment and getting ready....

nite xx