stuck....

is how i feel

stuck in this unhappy place where i really am over being single

stuck on FC, even though there are times (when i'm thinking rationally) that in all honesty i doubt we could make a relationship work...well, not we so much as him: i'm certain i would try and be present, but if history is anything to go by, well, he would let himself go and then immediately retreat...and then there's the drinking, the smoking, and the lack of communication/emotional intelligence at times

and yet....

and yet i am sad, i miss him, or maybe the idea of someone and he's just in the frame, i miss hanging out with him, i miss cooking for/with him, i miss the thought of what might be, and mostly i miss having someone pay attention to me....

and not like he ever really made me feel special (mental note to remember this when i'm feeling sad, coz surely someone you wanna be with should make you feel special, just like you would do for them?), and i often found myself wondering if he really liked me (truth is, until we broke up, i never really knew how he felt about me - he seemed incapable of really being able to own how he felt although he was clear he didn't want a serious relationship)...

and not like things ever really got off the ground, but i am stuck, i am lonely, i can't seem to get him out of my head, i find myself daydreaming about him turning up at mine to tell me that he wants to give it a try, or better, that he'll turn up in NYC and tell me he can't be without me....

nah, neither of those things are likely and yet i still find myself wishing they may eventuate...

and why? yes, this is a question i have repeatedly asked myself in the last 8 weeks (today marks 8 weeks since the 'seems we are in a relationship and i don't want to be' conversation)....

i had a healing session with Bec last night and she said that he sees (in his mind) falling for me as something akin to death (not actual death) because he is attracted to me on many levels and so he is afraid of falling for me and then me abandoning him (hmmm, wonder if this is what happened with the last girlfriend?)....she also said that she's pretty sure he isn't yet healed and isn't doing anything to move forward...which means, that even though i wish it could be so, it just wouldn't be right....

but still i'm sad, and i miss him, and i want it to be....wonder when that's gonna change? soon i hope coz i am over feeling stuck...

and then there's the work issue, and i don't just mean with him being there (although he is looking around for other work - this is good and bad)....no, i mean the issue that the work i am doing, whilst enjoyable, is not really exactly what i want to be doing...

hence last night's post about an existential crisis - yep, sadly i think i am smack bang in the middle of one, and it feels pretty ordinary....

anyway, just venting, and as i have a quiet 'me' day there'll probably be more of that!

thanks for dropping by