friends, then i'd be able to share with you what's really going on for me,,,yes?
yes!
but I can't, and that's because we can't be friends - how do you suddenly just go from being with someone to being friends? sure, some people may be able to but I can't and for the last 15 months I have tried so hard to do that, but I can't...it doesn't work for me and now that I've tried to be vulnerable and explain that, I feel worse.....
I sent an email trying to explain where I was at, he responded - but the one thing he distinctly didn't respond to was the nature of his relationship with her.....he has always maintained she wasn't his girlfriend, but now I've seen her stuff at his place, she's texted him multiple times when I've been having a drink with him, i'm left with no other conclusion....
and then, to add insult to injury, he tells me 'I love you, I respect you, I admire you...our relationship can't be what you want it to be'....can't not won't....is this him again saying he isn't up to it? can't give me what I want because he knows i'll demand more than he has to offer? that's what Bec thinks...
truth is I felt good after my reading with her yesterday - empowered, strong, and that really he can't be with me because he knows I deserve more, because he knows he can't live up to what I want...and yet tonight, i'm sad....
I really don't want to see him at work - I don't want to have to 'deal' with it 5 days a week - I don't want to have to feel that i'm not good enough even though he's probably the one feeling that - coz truly, I feel like someone who probably doesn't deserve me has rejected me......and i'm left wondering universe, if it's ever going to be my turn...
i'm someone who has so much to offer and I seem to offer it to the wrong sort of men - question is will I ever offer it to the right sort of man?
will I ever get to a point where FC is just someone I used to work with, or better, someone I think 'who?' in years to come?
what hurts me the most is that he was sleeping with her, he stopped for a little while, led me up a garden path, slept with me, then dumped me, and then went straight back to shagging her....
it's just too much, and sure, I shouldn't care, but I do and I really don't know how to let him go, let my hope that he might one day turn up and be what I want him to be......
so i'm sad, I have no idea how to be friends with this man and if i'm honest, i'm afraid that if I cut off all non work contact maybe that will push him over the edge into making her his girlfriend...and sure, it's not like i'm crazy about him, he's in the line of fire as Bec would say - meaning, I want to be in a relationship and he's just there, so maybe I think he's the one I want to be with, deep down I know he isn't, but he's around.....
and therein lies the problem - if we didn't work together, he simply wouldn't be around.....
fuck, I am so over this - it's exhausting, it's holding me back and I am over it!
books
books
Monday, September 16, 2013
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
sad, lost and a bit relieved...
that I didn't hit send on the missive I wrote last night...
although at some point, i'm going to have to share with FC how the current status of things impacts me....more so since Friday night when I had to be subjected to seeing her name pop up multiple times on his phone, and then again yesterday whilst at work...seriously, not exactly a girlfriend my arse....
there are days when I really wish I had never gotten involved with him....
so consequently I am finding myself stuck and more stuck than I have felt in a long time....
for all the things I like about him, there are an equal number of things I don't...in my head I know things couldn't work between us, but my heart won't let go...
usually I can let go, eventually...and perhaps it's because we work together so 5 days out of every 7 I have to see him (which isn't bad, we get on extremely well) or perhaps it's because there was multiple past life connection...
anyway, i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm stuck and mostly i'm still hopeful....hopeful he'll get over what 'i'm about to turn 40' crisis he's having, look around him and realise what it could be....and then, maybe I don't want that, maybe I just want him to leave, and leave me alone so I can meet someone who will be what I both want and need...
he's what I want (for now) but I know he isn't what I need...hence this overwhelming seeming insurmountable task of letting go....
sigh
although at some point, i'm going to have to share with FC how the current status of things impacts me....more so since Friday night when I had to be subjected to seeing her name pop up multiple times on his phone, and then again yesterday whilst at work...seriously, not exactly a girlfriend my arse....
there are days when I really wish I had never gotten involved with him....
so consequently I am finding myself stuck and more stuck than I have felt in a long time....
for all the things I like about him, there are an equal number of things I don't...in my head I know things couldn't work between us, but my heart won't let go...
usually I can let go, eventually...and perhaps it's because we work together so 5 days out of every 7 I have to see him (which isn't bad, we get on extremely well) or perhaps it's because there was multiple past life connection...
anyway, i'm tired, i'm sad, i'm stuck and mostly i'm still hopeful....hopeful he'll get over what 'i'm about to turn 40' crisis he's having, look around him and realise what it could be....and then, maybe I don't want that, maybe I just want him to leave, and leave me alone so I can meet someone who will be what I both want and need...
he's what I want (for now) but I know he isn't what I need...hence this overwhelming seeming insurmountable task of letting go....
sigh
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
some people don't recognise
a friend in need....
or maybe they don't recognise a friend...
bloody FC - why is it so fucking challenging with him? I have really really really tried hard in recent weeks to lower my expectations of him, to accept him for who he is and what he can offer (which frankly, is limited...I don't want to say not much, so limited seems a nicer way to describe him)....
his behaviour is confusing, inconsistent and leaves me feeling that it really is a one way street...and truth is, it probably is, and he probably did tell me that way back when...guess I didn't want to believe it, thinking, as I still do, that there is something between us and eventually he'll see the light...
perhaps he won't
perhaps the only person who needs to see the light is me
yes me, the ever hopeful somewhat deluded dreamer
sigh...yes, deep deep sigh
after all this time I still like this man....of course, I am able to be objective about him, well more than previously, and I can certainly see his limitations, but occasionally I get a glimpse of what I liked, what I fell for, and then I get the mixed messages and all that results in is confusion and doubt
confusion and doubt - surely neither of these are the desired result when you are having a relationship? therein lies some very useful insight...
so anyway, tonight, after a very sudden overwhelming feeling of being a bit lost (existentially) and having a bit of a panic I texted him (was my plan to see if he wanted to take me for a drink), when he eventually answers, I tell him I thought he might take me for a drink, he asks what would make me want a mid week drink, when I tell him he responds with 'xx annoys me' and some work shit
really? no acknowledgement at all
at least I didn't proceed into a full FC related meltdown but still i'm upset, i'm upset that he thinks we are friends but responds in this manner....
oh well, I am determined not to let this eat away at me all night, and to not let him live rent free in my head, as it were....
still, he is occasionally dense and I told him that....
really need to exorcise him from my brain - an intervention is required!
nite
xx
or maybe they don't recognise a friend...
bloody FC - why is it so fucking challenging with him? I have really really really tried hard in recent weeks to lower my expectations of him, to accept him for who he is and what he can offer (which frankly, is limited...I don't want to say not much, so limited seems a nicer way to describe him)....
his behaviour is confusing, inconsistent and leaves me feeling that it really is a one way street...and truth is, it probably is, and he probably did tell me that way back when...guess I didn't want to believe it, thinking, as I still do, that there is something between us and eventually he'll see the light...
perhaps he won't
perhaps the only person who needs to see the light is me
yes me, the ever hopeful somewhat deluded dreamer
sigh...yes, deep deep sigh
after all this time I still like this man....of course, I am able to be objective about him, well more than previously, and I can certainly see his limitations, but occasionally I get a glimpse of what I liked, what I fell for, and then I get the mixed messages and all that results in is confusion and doubt
confusion and doubt - surely neither of these are the desired result when you are having a relationship? therein lies some very useful insight...
so anyway, tonight, after a very sudden overwhelming feeling of being a bit lost (existentially) and having a bit of a panic I texted him (was my plan to see if he wanted to take me for a drink), when he eventually answers, I tell him I thought he might take me for a drink, he asks what would make me want a mid week drink, when I tell him he responds with 'xx annoys me' and some work shit
really? no acknowledgement at all
at least I didn't proceed into a full FC related meltdown but still i'm upset, i'm upset that he thinks we are friends but responds in this manner....
oh well, I am determined not to let this eat away at me all night, and to not let him live rent free in my head, as it were....
still, he is occasionally dense and I told him that....
really need to exorcise him from my brain - an intervention is required!
nite
xx
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