impacted by FC right now - I guess last week's 'conversation' has stuck with me somehow and his reaching out for help, then retreating, his telling me he's my friend and ending his text with a 'x' and then he ignores me for days...I don't get him, I never did and the sad reality is I put my heart and soul into trying for a while....to what end I ask myself?
coz I wanted him to love me, to be enough for me, to want to be with me the way I thought I wanted to be with him...but no...
instead he ditches me and the chance to be in a real relationship and goes back to shagging the same girl he was shagging before him and I went out...seriously?
so imagine why i'm disturbed when on weekend he's giving me updates that his best friends now wife is in labour and then again when the baby is born...why is he telling me? not like I know them other than through him and not like I've seen them since him and I split? so why does he do this?
and then tonight, he tells me he wants to talk to me before I go, I tell him he can call tonight, he says he's helping with the baby and can't (give me a break - since when is he helping with a fucking baby?)...then summarises by saying 'we can't communicate by text'..
really Nick? you think so? no wonder our entire relationship was a disaster since you insisted on conducting most of it by text...
I need to get him out of my life again - i'd done so well and then I let (and yes, i'm happy to take responsibility for it) him slowly get back in...
it needs to stop, for my sanity and for my little heart to forget him...
yep, it has to stop!
books
books
Monday, July 29, 2013
Thursday, July 25, 2013
apparently the
definition of friends has changed and I didn't get the memo...
so BD said he'd come round tonight and bring dinner - it's 9.23pm and I haven't heard from him so I guess that means, unless he's been injured (which I sincerely hope he has not), then he seems to have become unreliable and uncommunicative like a long line of men behind him...
sigh...
then there's FC, who only 2 nights ago told me 'i'm your friend' followed by a 'x', then basically goes into his usual 'ignore' mode...
yep, it's official, I've almost had a teary tonight because honestly all I feel right now is disappointment, there's some anger too, and a little bit of hurt, but mostly there's just abject disappointment...
I really need to start with a new criteria...
yep, I do! so yes, it seems there is a new definition of friends which includes not following through, being unreliable, and at times, uncommunicative well maybe I need a new definition of who I want to be my friends coz right now, this ain't working....
nite x
so BD said he'd come round tonight and bring dinner - it's 9.23pm and I haven't heard from him so I guess that means, unless he's been injured (which I sincerely hope he has not), then he seems to have become unreliable and uncommunicative like a long line of men behind him...
sigh...
then there's FC, who only 2 nights ago told me 'i'm your friend' followed by a 'x', then basically goes into his usual 'ignore' mode...
yep, it's official, I've almost had a teary tonight because honestly all I feel right now is disappointment, there's some anger too, and a little bit of hurt, but mostly there's just abject disappointment...
I really need to start with a new criteria...
yep, I do! so yes, it seems there is a new definition of friends which includes not following through, being unreliable, and at times, uncommunicative well maybe I need a new definition of who I want to be my friends coz right now, this ain't working....
nite x
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
sick, confused and feeling a
bit vulnerable, or is it nostalgic? or worse, is it neither of those but merely my old well worn pattern at play?
hmmm, so I've been doing well - emotionally anyway, in the last couple of months...
since the Balmain woollies incident I seemed to have been well capable of flicking whatever FC switch was in my head...
initially there was a 'wtf' conversation and then I simply cut him out...at the time I thought it might be forever, but inevitably he has found a way back in - and truthfully, he's someone I trust and have to work reasonably closely with, so really, it wasn't realistic to think I could cut him out completely...
even though, the old Sarah, the girl with the patterns which feel like well loved shoes - you know the shoes you've had for ages, feel comfortable, but you know every time you put your feet into them, they are well past the day when you should have thrown them away...yep, seems when i'm sick and tired, it's easier (of course I can hear my fabulously supportive therapist say) to put on the old shoes rather than try out the new ones, which won't be worn in yet...
it's a trap, and as i'm drawing the analogy between shoes and reality, I do it with shoes too - I have the best wardrobe of shoes, but tend to favour the ones that are comfortable, that have probably (in some cases, but not all) seen their best days....and still I reach for them
so FC, just when I finally thought i'd gotten over how hurt I was about him, and found a way to manage whatever residual 'relationship' we have left...I get sick, we end up in a lengthy text discussion (which was initiated by him) and it goes pear shaped...what a surprise - I don't even know why I am surprised to be honest...I even said this to him....
so turns out he has an issue with booze - not in that he's an alcoholic, but I think he thinks he can't sleep without it...then he asks me how he can get hold of valium - just a few to get him into a sleep pattern so he can give up the booze, which he knows is contributing to the anxiety - now none of this is new, we've discussed it before, he knows perfectly well I have valium I could give him, although I feel strangely uncomfortable about doing that...so then he gets snippy with me, when I call him on it, he pulls out the 'you're a gm' card...
fucking what? so I got upset, I told him I didn't want to talk about it...he eventually gives me an FC type apology and a text which ends with 'rest up, get better - i'm your friend, sorry I took the conversation that way x'...
yes, you read it correctly a 'kiss'...
before that he mentions that he's doing lots of things I may not be aware of in terms of getting his shit together....and for some bizarre Sarah reason I take this personally...and I kind of know why, but still...feels a bit like a slap in the face - when he was with me he wouldn't get his shit together, he told me he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and felt inadequate...and now I do, if i'm being honest, and let's be serious, this is one place where I can be, i'm kind of annoyed by that...I think what annoyed me more was he put it all down to 'well work will always get in the way'...
so he wouldn't man up to be with me when he had the chance, he told me recently that he finds the 'solo holidays' difficult, he's shagging someone he claims isn't his girlfriend and he doesn't want her to be, he thinks we are 'friends' even though to me I simply feel like the person he whinges to (during the week) and I get little in return....
it's not balanced, it's more one way than two way and I felt last night for the first times in months, that he has this way of getting under my skin...
so i'm confused - this isn't new - I was in a constant state of confusion when with him and as I recall in the weeks we had no contact, I felt good, I felt clear and the confusion that he creates in my life had gone - it was peaceful and actually nice...I got back into being me, living my life and enjoying it for what it was...
and I would be overdoing it to say that one ridiculous conversation last night has undone all of that, but it has a) got my thinking and b) tested my resolve...
so where am I at now?
- he certainly doesn't get to me as much as he used to
- I no longer sugar coat stuff
- if i'm annoyed I tell him
- by mid morning I was over it
- i'm still confused by his behaviour - he has, and probably always will, blow hot and cold
surely consistency just isn't that much of an expectation to have?
maybe it is...
anyway, i'm tired, I've been off today (and for remainder of week) with sinus and URTI as well as asthma...over being ill, but maybe it's the universe's way of giving me time out!
nite x
hmmm, so I've been doing well - emotionally anyway, in the last couple of months...
since the Balmain woollies incident I seemed to have been well capable of flicking whatever FC switch was in my head...
initially there was a 'wtf' conversation and then I simply cut him out...at the time I thought it might be forever, but inevitably he has found a way back in - and truthfully, he's someone I trust and have to work reasonably closely with, so really, it wasn't realistic to think I could cut him out completely...
even though, the old Sarah, the girl with the patterns which feel like well loved shoes - you know the shoes you've had for ages, feel comfortable, but you know every time you put your feet into them, they are well past the day when you should have thrown them away...yep, seems when i'm sick and tired, it's easier (of course I can hear my fabulously supportive therapist say) to put on the old shoes rather than try out the new ones, which won't be worn in yet...
it's a trap, and as i'm drawing the analogy between shoes and reality, I do it with shoes too - I have the best wardrobe of shoes, but tend to favour the ones that are comfortable, that have probably (in some cases, but not all) seen their best days....and still I reach for them
so FC, just when I finally thought i'd gotten over how hurt I was about him, and found a way to manage whatever residual 'relationship' we have left...I get sick, we end up in a lengthy text discussion (which was initiated by him) and it goes pear shaped...what a surprise - I don't even know why I am surprised to be honest...I even said this to him....
so turns out he has an issue with booze - not in that he's an alcoholic, but I think he thinks he can't sleep without it...then he asks me how he can get hold of valium - just a few to get him into a sleep pattern so he can give up the booze, which he knows is contributing to the anxiety - now none of this is new, we've discussed it before, he knows perfectly well I have valium I could give him, although I feel strangely uncomfortable about doing that...so then he gets snippy with me, when I call him on it, he pulls out the 'you're a gm' card...
fucking what? so I got upset, I told him I didn't want to talk about it...he eventually gives me an FC type apology and a text which ends with 'rest up, get better - i'm your friend, sorry I took the conversation that way x'...
yes, you read it correctly a 'kiss'...
before that he mentions that he's doing lots of things I may not be aware of in terms of getting his shit together....and for some bizarre Sarah reason I take this personally...and I kind of know why, but still...feels a bit like a slap in the face - when he was with me he wouldn't get his shit together, he told me he knew he couldn't give me what I wanted and felt inadequate...and now I do, if i'm being honest, and let's be serious, this is one place where I can be, i'm kind of annoyed by that...I think what annoyed me more was he put it all down to 'well work will always get in the way'...
so he wouldn't man up to be with me when he had the chance, he told me recently that he finds the 'solo holidays' difficult, he's shagging someone he claims isn't his girlfriend and he doesn't want her to be, he thinks we are 'friends' even though to me I simply feel like the person he whinges to (during the week) and I get little in return....
it's not balanced, it's more one way than two way and I felt last night for the first times in months, that he has this way of getting under my skin...
so i'm confused - this isn't new - I was in a constant state of confusion when with him and as I recall in the weeks we had no contact, I felt good, I felt clear and the confusion that he creates in my life had gone - it was peaceful and actually nice...I got back into being me, living my life and enjoying it for what it was...
and I would be overdoing it to say that one ridiculous conversation last night has undone all of that, but it has a) got my thinking and b) tested my resolve...
so where am I at now?
- he certainly doesn't get to me as much as he used to
- I no longer sugar coat stuff
- if i'm annoyed I tell him
- by mid morning I was over it
- i'm still confused by his behaviour - he has, and probably always will, blow hot and cold
surely consistency just isn't that much of an expectation to have?
maybe it is...
anyway, i'm tired, I've been off today (and for remainder of week) with sinus and URTI as well as asthma...over being ill, but maybe it's the universe's way of giving me time out!
nite x
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