to do....
re Nick that is....
so the other day when he texted me i went back wih 'well plenty of nice shops there to buy me a birthday pressie' or something like that...expecting that he'd ignore it and sort of tongue in cheek
but today (some 2 or 3 days later) he responds, and i think he's seriously going to get me a present - he asked me to remind him when my birthday was (thinking it was 14 Jan)....
so he asks me what i want, i tell him he can choose and he tells me it's a mason and pearson hairbrush which i actually think is a nice pressie...but it made me a bit sad, sad, well maybe more nostalgic for times gone by....times when he would play with my hair....
so it's actually quite a nice pressie, if he gets it, and if i end up with it....
so not sure what to do as i really need to move on from things with him but how on earth can i do that when i see him 5 days a week at work?
fuck! and when i'm not tired nor flu ridden (yes, i think i may actually have the flu) i can put it all into perspective and think logically about it, but tonight, well, logic has left he building....
so, right now as i type this and contemplate crawling into bed, i'm thinking of him and wishing that things were different, and then maybe just maybe, we'd be in new york together...
sign....
books
books
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
i'm in times square....
really? is this something that i need to know?
so that's the text i got from Nick on Xmas Eve....nothing else, no hi, how are you, blah blah, but 'i'm in times square'.....
i honestly don't get him....made me sad really as we had really wanted to go to nyc together...and now he's there on his own....thinking of me whilst in times square...and sure, there were plenty of times i thought about him whilst there but i managed not to get in touch....
seems he had no clue about boundaries, no understanding of just how much he hurt me, no clue about how girls don't really like to be friends with guys they were with, nor how much i was looking forward to a break from him...
of course, doesn't help that the nite before he went i told him i'd miss him....and when i wrote it i thought i would, bu actually it's been kinda nice without him around, esp at work......
and i am not naive enough to think that this phenomenon is because i no longer like him - on the contrary, i'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with still holding out some hope (albeit a very small hope) that he might come back and realise that we should be together....
hmmmm, best i not start fixating on that as really, it's not gonna get me anywhere good!
anyway, whilst a part of me thinks it's nice that he was thinking of me whilst in times square, another part of me wishes he hadn't texted me....
oh well...
so that's the text i got from Nick on Xmas Eve....nothing else, no hi, how are you, blah blah, but 'i'm in times square'.....
i honestly don't get him....made me sad really as we had really wanted to go to nyc together...and now he's there on his own....thinking of me whilst in times square...and sure, there were plenty of times i thought about him whilst there but i managed not to get in touch....
seems he had no clue about boundaries, no understanding of just how much he hurt me, no clue about how girls don't really like to be friends with guys they were with, nor how much i was looking forward to a break from him...
of course, doesn't help that the nite before he went i told him i'd miss him....and when i wrote it i thought i would, bu actually it's been kinda nice without him around, esp at work......
and i am not naive enough to think that this phenomenon is because i no longer like him - on the contrary, i'm pretty sure it has a lot to do with still holding out some hope (albeit a very small hope) that he might come back and realise that we should be together....
hmmmm, best i not start fixating on that as really, it's not gonna get me anywhere good!
anyway, whilst a part of me thinks it's nice that he was thinking of me whilst in times square, another part of me wishes he hadn't texted me....
oh well...
Thursday, December 20, 2012
paradise....
yes, it's true, i'm officially addicted to Coldplay's Paradise....could listen to it over and over again...and Every Teardrop is a Waterfall....simply great album, and great concert!
what else? well, work is slightly better, and even though i was looking forward to 3 weeks sans boss, turns out she isn't having leave...bugger! still suspect she is going to try and shaft a handful of us on our bonuses, but that's not out of the ordinary....sad, but true! and i am going to ask for an increase - doubt that won't go down too well either, but i am (comparatively) under paid and i'm over that....so could be an interesting few weeks...
in other news i bought a beautiful new piece of art for my lounge room....and so the renovation project begins! saw it a couple of weeks ago at Magda's shop....she kindly let me bring it home to see if it would fit before i had to commit to buying it - no sooner than BD had hung it, and i was pretty certain it wasn't going back...and it isn't....so it's a beautiful Nick Giles original....love it!
wardrobe guy came this morning too and by Feb, my room, spare room (which will become the library/reading room) and the hall way will have new cupboards...the most exciting is the 144 pair of shoe capacity custom made shoe cupboard....:O
then there's the new lounge which Magda is quoting me on, the repaint and possible wallpaper, new chandelier and new blinds in my room, a new en suite, new furniture in the reading room (as well as the sale of a couple of existing pieces of furniture), a coat of paint for balcony wall, as well as some outdoor furniture...
see this is why i'm calling it a renovation - loads to be done! thankfully i love the kitchen so nothing to do there....the dining room is still under consideration but both lounge and dining room need new lights, so will be on the hunt for those.....
in essence, what i'm trying to create is my own slice of paradise....my lovely little home is already referred to as the sanctuary by some friends, but now it's time to take it to a new level....it needs a refresh (now that it's 12 years old) in some areas and it's time for me to really put my stamp on it....which i have resisted for a while, thinking that i needed to factor in other people's needs...silly really, since it's my place and for 99% or more of the time it's just me....
so, i'll finish 2012 with a project afoot and some excitement around it....looks like 2013 will be an expensive year too, but maybe not quite as expensive as 2012 which included the addition of Georgie and a $30k holiday (well worth it, and really, how else was i supposed to get over a broken heart?)....
anyway, an early night is on the cards before my last day at work for 5 days....very much looking forward to a mini break, and if i'm lucky, a 4 day weekend next weekend too....
nite
x
what else? well, work is slightly better, and even though i was looking forward to 3 weeks sans boss, turns out she isn't having leave...bugger! still suspect she is going to try and shaft a handful of us on our bonuses, but that's not out of the ordinary....sad, but true! and i am going to ask for an increase - doubt that won't go down too well either, but i am (comparatively) under paid and i'm over that....so could be an interesting few weeks...
in other news i bought a beautiful new piece of art for my lounge room....and so the renovation project begins! saw it a couple of weeks ago at Magda's shop....she kindly let me bring it home to see if it would fit before i had to commit to buying it - no sooner than BD had hung it, and i was pretty certain it wasn't going back...and it isn't....so it's a beautiful Nick Giles original....love it!
wardrobe guy came this morning too and by Feb, my room, spare room (which will become the library/reading room) and the hall way will have new cupboards...the most exciting is the 144 pair of shoe capacity custom made shoe cupboard....:O
then there's the new lounge which Magda is quoting me on, the repaint and possible wallpaper, new chandelier and new blinds in my room, a new en suite, new furniture in the reading room (as well as the sale of a couple of existing pieces of furniture), a coat of paint for balcony wall, as well as some outdoor furniture...
see this is why i'm calling it a renovation - loads to be done! thankfully i love the kitchen so nothing to do there....the dining room is still under consideration but both lounge and dining room need new lights, so will be on the hunt for those.....
in essence, what i'm trying to create is my own slice of paradise....my lovely little home is already referred to as the sanctuary by some friends, but now it's time to take it to a new level....it needs a refresh (now that it's 12 years old) in some areas and it's time for me to really put my stamp on it....which i have resisted for a while, thinking that i needed to factor in other people's needs...silly really, since it's my place and for 99% or more of the time it's just me....
so, i'll finish 2012 with a project afoot and some excitement around it....looks like 2013 will be an expensive year too, but maybe not quite as expensive as 2012 which included the addition of Georgie and a $30k holiday (well worth it, and really, how else was i supposed to get over a broken heart?)....
anyway, an early night is on the cards before my last day at work for 5 days....very much looking forward to a mini break, and if i'm lucky, a 4 day weekend next weekend too....
nite
x
Monday, December 17, 2012
oh and i realised
something else today: my boss doesn't really value the work my team and i do...yep, pretty fucking depressing really....
and sad too that this realisation came on a day when myself and Leah finished delivering the first of 7 management programs at work to great feedback and applause - and even a bunch of beautiful flowers from the morning group....
so, a day of contradiction really....
and sad too that this realisation came on a day when myself and Leah finished delivering the first of 7 management programs at work to great feedback and applause - and even a bunch of beautiful flowers from the morning group....
so, a day of contradiction really....
i'm smack bang in the midst of
a universal lesson...
OMG, in the last week or so, on no less than 4 occasions i have been tested with respect to boundaries...
something historically i haven't been very good at...but it seems as this year comes to a close, the universe is sending me multiple opportunities to test out my new found skills....
so last week, when BD came over for dinner, things 'drifted'...yep, sound familiar? so after dinner i found myself on couch with him, ended up with my head in his lap chatting and him playing with my hair...this is not, in my experience, and having consulted with friends (although i didn't need to), what friends do...so the next night we have the conversation....basically i tell him that it's obvious we like each other, there is a mutual attraction there but that this in between friends and a relationship, this flirty friends, won't work for me...amazing! have never done that before and it felt good, albeit very scary and funny thing is, he's absolutely fine with it....felt very brave to do it, but a good result as we are still friends, and i love him as a friend...
so then, imagine my surprise, that when i get home from chatting to BD, there's a text from Chris...initially a 'how are you, long time no speak' text, but the next day it deteriorates to him asking me if i'll sleep with him....hmmm! so i tell him i won't, that i want to be friends or nothing....he runs away (this is normal) then today, starts up again and i've now told him it's friend or the end of the road - and sure that not exactly what i want (meaning, we were best friends once, albeit a long time ago, and i think it might be nice to try friends)...but again, i'm not doing this flirty friend shit which just leaves me feeling confused....
he's not decided and that's fine - see he claims that friends for him is difficult as he can't be seen with me - i won't tolerate some hidden, secretive, clandestine relationship, so guess he's got a decision to make....
then there's Nick! fuck....what to do with him? and this one is more difficult, so more will be said on this - just not tonight as my back is sore so i've valiumed up and even as i type i can feel myself slowing down...
so it's au revoir for now - until the next instalment
OMG, in the last week or so, on no less than 4 occasions i have been tested with respect to boundaries...
something historically i haven't been very good at...but it seems as this year comes to a close, the universe is sending me multiple opportunities to test out my new found skills....
so last week, when BD came over for dinner, things 'drifted'...yep, sound familiar? so after dinner i found myself on couch with him, ended up with my head in his lap chatting and him playing with my hair...this is not, in my experience, and having consulted with friends (although i didn't need to), what friends do...so the next night we have the conversation....basically i tell him that it's obvious we like each other, there is a mutual attraction there but that this in between friends and a relationship, this flirty friends, won't work for me...amazing! have never done that before and it felt good, albeit very scary and funny thing is, he's absolutely fine with it....felt very brave to do it, but a good result as we are still friends, and i love him as a friend...
so then, imagine my surprise, that when i get home from chatting to BD, there's a text from Chris...initially a 'how are you, long time no speak' text, but the next day it deteriorates to him asking me if i'll sleep with him....hmmm! so i tell him i won't, that i want to be friends or nothing....he runs away (this is normal) then today, starts up again and i've now told him it's friend or the end of the road - and sure that not exactly what i want (meaning, we were best friends once, albeit a long time ago, and i think it might be nice to try friends)...but again, i'm not doing this flirty friend shit which just leaves me feeling confused....
he's not decided and that's fine - see he claims that friends for him is difficult as he can't be seen with me - i won't tolerate some hidden, secretive, clandestine relationship, so guess he's got a decision to make....
then there's Nick! fuck....what to do with him? and this one is more difficult, so more will be said on this - just not tonight as my back is sore so i've valiumed up and even as i type i can feel myself slowing down...
so it's au revoir for now - until the next instalment
Sunday, December 16, 2012
as 2012 comes
to a close i find myself reflecting on the year that's been, and it's been a big year - a year of many lessons, many ups and downs, some great moments, some not so good, significant learnings, a fabulous holiday, some realisations and mostly, a year that whilst i will be happy to see the end of, a year that had to happen....
and still it seems, that despite all the learnings, all the heartache, Nick can still get under my skin....so yesterday he texts me (i am surprised as i am sure he's en route to NYC)...turns out he was back for a few days in between Bali and NYC....turns out he wants to know something about work as well as tell me about his Homeland viewing nightmare! i respond with something, few texts back and forth, he says i can call, i don't....
then today, another text...which i just roll my eyes at....some whinge about work - he really is obsessed with the place...it's funny, i said to him tonight, that if i didn't know better, i'd say he loves the place....i actually think he has a huge need to feel important and work is it for him....he would never admit it, but i think it's true...he asked me to basically check up on his staff as he thinks they are going to do nothing whilst he's away - god, i didn't even think about that when i was going - but then i'm a different sort of manager to him and i trust my team! weird....
he has some very strange views - then he said something that i decided to take personally (probably shouldn't have) and he tells me i'm an idiot!
a part of me wonders why, when he is on holiday, he's still texting me to talk about work.....and then another part of me thinks that maybe he likes talking to me (of course he does, i already know this), and it's difficult not to read anything into it....
but then, there are things he does, or doesn't do more like, that drive me nuts and honestly, he's so bloody repetitive at times it does my head in - same thing over and over and over again - perhaps it's because he's drunk so much in his life that his memory really is shit? no less than 4 times he banged on about the same thing tonight...makes me wonder why i didn't notice it when we were together? maybe i didn't want to see it?
funny though, as i have had a number of occasions this week to firmly put boundaries in place (with Sam with Chris and with BD)...funny to think that i just could not find the courage to put a boundary in place with Nick...and all because i thought he'd reject me, when it turns out, he rejected me anyway...
but the good news is, despite him sometimes pushing my buttons and getting under my skin, i am over him...sure i still like him and a very very very small part of me may still wish him to ask me back, but he's not going to and that's actually good, as even though we get on well, trust each other etc, he is just not the sort of person who would be good for me in a relationship....and whilst i'm sure he doesn't mean to be so 'all about him', he's just not capable of offering any true emotional support...and bless him, he tries, but he just can't and one thing i know for sure is that i want to be with someone who can do that....
so, it would seem that as 2012 draws to a close, i have learnt about boundaries, i have learnt to listen to my body and this is good....
the 2012 year in review will follow at some point, although i doubt it'll be an overly 'happy' summary....
until then!
and still it seems, that despite all the learnings, all the heartache, Nick can still get under my skin....so yesterday he texts me (i am surprised as i am sure he's en route to NYC)...turns out he was back for a few days in between Bali and NYC....turns out he wants to know something about work as well as tell me about his Homeland viewing nightmare! i respond with something, few texts back and forth, he says i can call, i don't....
then today, another text...which i just roll my eyes at....some whinge about work - he really is obsessed with the place...it's funny, i said to him tonight, that if i didn't know better, i'd say he loves the place....i actually think he has a huge need to feel important and work is it for him....he would never admit it, but i think it's true...he asked me to basically check up on his staff as he thinks they are going to do nothing whilst he's away - god, i didn't even think about that when i was going - but then i'm a different sort of manager to him and i trust my team! weird....
he has some very strange views - then he said something that i decided to take personally (probably shouldn't have) and he tells me i'm an idiot!
a part of me wonders why, when he is on holiday, he's still texting me to talk about work.....and then another part of me thinks that maybe he likes talking to me (of course he does, i already know this), and it's difficult not to read anything into it....
but then, there are things he does, or doesn't do more like, that drive me nuts and honestly, he's so bloody repetitive at times it does my head in - same thing over and over and over again - perhaps it's because he's drunk so much in his life that his memory really is shit? no less than 4 times he banged on about the same thing tonight...makes me wonder why i didn't notice it when we were together? maybe i didn't want to see it?
funny though, as i have had a number of occasions this week to firmly put boundaries in place (with Sam with Chris and with BD)...funny to think that i just could not find the courage to put a boundary in place with Nick...and all because i thought he'd reject me, when it turns out, he rejected me anyway...
but the good news is, despite him sometimes pushing my buttons and getting under my skin, i am over him...sure i still like him and a very very very small part of me may still wish him to ask me back, but he's not going to and that's actually good, as even though we get on well, trust each other etc, he is just not the sort of person who would be good for me in a relationship....and whilst i'm sure he doesn't mean to be so 'all about him', he's just not capable of offering any true emotional support...and bless him, he tries, but he just can't and one thing i know for sure is that i want to be with someone who can do that....
so, it would seem that as 2012 draws to a close, i have learnt about boundaries, i have learnt to listen to my body and this is good....
the 2012 year in review will follow at some point, although i doubt it'll be an overly 'happy' summary....
until then!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
i know now what i couldn't have
known before i did it, but, i actually don't think i'm ready....
so tonight, following my speed dating event tuesday where i met a nice bloke, i had a date...my first one since Nick and up until about an hour before he was due to pick me up, i was looking forward to it...
bu as he time drew nearer, i found myself observing how i was feeling - and ambivalent is probably he best word i can come up with...i'd be lying if i didn't also admit to some nerves....
anyway, he kindly came and picked me up, we drove to Rozelle, and even though it wasn't to the Welcome, i just felt myself start to feel uncomfortable and also reminded of the times when i would go to Balmain/Rozelle to be with Nick....
so, we had a drink, had a bite to eat and we talked lots - mainly he asked me questions and i talked, but i didn't really find myself wanting to ask him lots of questions (surely that's a sign...)...on the way he was telling me about his sisters, and it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn't been honest about his age....see i used to work with one of his sisters, she is younger than him and she's 47....i'm pretty sure that the age range for men didn't go up to 47! not that 47 is an issue, but if he lied, then that's an issue....
and then it occurred to me as i was talking that i'd rather be at home, watching cricket, curled up on my couch and in that moment i realised that perhaps i wasn't ready....
and sure, i'm still glad i cancelled my dinner plans with Nick tomorrow night, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to be 'out there'...or maybe i'm just not ready to be out there with this particular guy...
anyway, i feel flat and a bit sad...
seems the whole thing with Nick possibly took more of a toll on me than i thought, and whilst i don't necessarily want to 'go back' (i don't), i do still like him, i miss him (occasionally) and tonight, that small part of me who wishes he would beg me to take him back, well she's very much alive and here...
so i'm going to crawl into bed and hope that i wake up feeling a bit more positive tomorrow...on a more positive note, i think that even though i've realised i'm not ready, i'm also quite happy to (for now) embrace being single, and enjoy this time to myself...
nite
so tonight, following my speed dating event tuesday where i met a nice bloke, i had a date...my first one since Nick and up until about an hour before he was due to pick me up, i was looking forward to it...
bu as he time drew nearer, i found myself observing how i was feeling - and ambivalent is probably he best word i can come up with...i'd be lying if i didn't also admit to some nerves....
anyway, he kindly came and picked me up, we drove to Rozelle, and even though it wasn't to the Welcome, i just felt myself start to feel uncomfortable and also reminded of the times when i would go to Balmain/Rozelle to be with Nick....
so, we had a drink, had a bite to eat and we talked lots - mainly he asked me questions and i talked, but i didn't really find myself wanting to ask him lots of questions (surely that's a sign...)...on the way he was telling me about his sisters, and it occurred to me that perhaps he hadn't been honest about his age....see i used to work with one of his sisters, she is younger than him and she's 47....i'm pretty sure that the age range for men didn't go up to 47! not that 47 is an issue, but if he lied, then that's an issue....
and then it occurred to me as i was talking that i'd rather be at home, watching cricket, curled up on my couch and in that moment i realised that perhaps i wasn't ready....
and sure, i'm still glad i cancelled my dinner plans with Nick tomorrow night, but i honestly don't think i'm ready to be 'out there'...or maybe i'm just not ready to be out there with this particular guy...
anyway, i feel flat and a bit sad...
seems the whole thing with Nick possibly took more of a toll on me than i thought, and whilst i don't necessarily want to 'go back' (i don't), i do still like him, i miss him (occasionally) and tonight, that small part of me who wishes he would beg me to take him back, well she's very much alive and here...
so i'm going to crawl into bed and hope that i wake up feeling a bit more positive tomorrow...on a more positive note, i think that even though i've realised i'm not ready, i'm also quite happy to (for now) embrace being single, and enjoy this time to myself...
nite
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)