really?

would i really consider taking him back, even if he came back on bended knee?

and sure, i was a bit sad tonight, and having him pick me up and take me to my MRI and then bring me home again, made me think how nice it might be to actually have a partner, someone who would be there for me, someone i could be there for, someone to share my life with, but really, is he it? or is he simply the last person i thought could be it?

and honestly, he never really did fit the bill....sure i like him, a lot at times, less so now though i think the intrigue remains, and maybe that's coz i never really did get to know more about him, maybe because there are still things about him he didn't answer, and honestly, maybe it's because deep down a small part of me thinks that his decision wasn't about him and his head space but about me....maybe i really would feel better if i knew what his last girlfriend did to hurt him so, or maybe i would feel better if i knew what he was afraid of in being in a relationship? i have no idea really but i'm certain if i knew, then i would not get into the occasional slump where i just end up thinking that i was too much for him...how can that be a bad thing, really? of course i'm too much for him..too in touch with my feelings, and his, too challenging (in a good way) and maybe just too confronting for him as i would be someone who would make him look in the mirror? anyway, i guess i still wish i knew the answers to some of those questions....

and it saddens me to think that i spent months attempting to have a relationship with someone who although he tried, he never really threw himself into it, held himself back, when he did occasionally follow his heart, it would quickly be followed with a retreat which just left me feeling hurt and confused and unsure about myself...he would rarely open up and talk to me, he would leave me hanging in the middle of a conversation and when he didn't want to talk about things, rather than say that, he would say 'not in text' and he's done that a bit of late....which i am pretty certain now is his way of avoiding it altogether...

and i still think i'd like to be with this man? really? fucking really?

well maybe not....sure i love the idea that he might wake up and call and say 'shit, i am such an idiot - i really do like you, i'm ready to give it a shot and sorry, please will you give me another chance?'...yep, i like the idea of that, but really, what would be different? is he suddenly going to be someone who talks, who opens up, who will be emotional (or at least emotionally aware?), is he going to suddenly be the sort of person i can share my innermost dreams with, who will not laugh at them (not that he did, i simply never shared them with him as i didn't think he'd understand), is he going to make me feel like a priority in his life?

honestly, i don't know the answers to most of these questions, and in the short time we did spend together i guess he didn't let me see enough of him to know if any of this stuff is possible...and for me to want to be in a relationship, this stuff NEEDS to be possible...

hmmm so not only am i feeling a bit clearer tonight, despite a very short lived teary on the way home (probably tiredness and this constant bloody headache) but i guess i am wondering if in fact i do need to write any sort of email to him? yes me and my need for closure, but really, will i get closure? i doubt it, we've been doing the email each other, text each other and 'talk about shit' for 6 weeks now and sure i feel better than i did immediately post breakup, and sure i have a few more answers, but what is the point of sharing my thoughts with him, what is the point of cutting him off altogether when i see him at work, what is the point of me making myself make a decision i have simply never wanted to make? right now i can see no point...

however, perhaps what i should do is withdraw slightly...and even that seems difficult for me as in some way i see it as rude, but it's not...it's about putting me, Sarah, first...and this isn't something i do too well...

even in my email to him the day we broke up i made it clear that whatever happened from that day on had to be about me, and you know what? it absolutely categorically has not been....it's been about him, he wanted to be friends, so i've kind of gone along with that, but i never did and still don't want to be friends with him....and sure i like him, i like hanging out with him but i never wanted to be friends - i wanted to see if we could have a relationship and sure i was happy for there to be an underlying friendship there, but not just friends.....

soooo i'm going to give up feeling like a i need to 'make a decision' and cut off contact with him and i know some of my friends think that's what i have to do, but it's not feasible given i see him 5 days a week...

however, i'm going to try and withdraw, ever so slightly, at least at first and see how i feel - see if the space gives me something, see if it allows me to start to really believe that i could be with someone else, that i could be attracted to someone else and that in time, he will be, just another man i dated....

so, i'm going to try something different! so wish i was seeing my therapist on saturday, but alas i'll be in melbs with my sis and the kids, which will be lovely....

so, the word of the day is withdrawal and i'm going to try that on for size...wish me luck peeps!

nite xx