yep, i think i should....
so saturday ended up ok....didn't go to writing class, and it was nice to not do something because i felt i had to, and not for me...so blew it off! went to Sar's for tea and a chat, then home to the couch, which is where i spent the next 6 hours or so....
ended up in a lengthy texting conversation with FC, where a lot of the things i wanted to say to him got said....and sure, as of right now, we still haven't actually had the real 'chat' that he wanted to have, but we've covered some ground...
that said, i still have some concerns, which, other than being hungover and very very tired, must be accounting for how i feel this afternoon? and how i feel is frankly a little bereft...i know, big word right? but i do....
so i'm going to recap the last 24 hours or so, and see if i can identify where this stems from...if i'm being honest, i'm pretty sure i know, but i want to make sure so that i don't sit here and beat myself for not feeling good, or for reading something into what is probably nothing....
so he picked me up at 3, we had tea, played around with my tv setting (and resolved something i'd wanted to sort out for a while), drove to his, walked to the pub and promptly settled in for a lengthy drinking sesh! was lovely actually, one of the nicest times we've had together, lots of talking, probably a bit too much drinking, plenty of compliments (from him to me....which took me a bit by surprise, he's not one for compliments), eventually a long, cold and wet walk back to his in the hideous weather, snogging, pizza, couch, music and then bed...oh and he's given me a new name in his phone...Princess Sarah (as if that won't be obvious!)
yep, you read it right...i finally stayed over! and i wasn't really sure i should, but figuring it was late, very wet, night before a public holiday, i just didn't fancy trying to find a cab....so i stayed...
and it was lovely, although i have no idea how 2 grown adults who clearly fancy each other, have managed to be with each other in a state of drunkenness and semi undress and not yet rip the remainder of each other's clothes off...and yet we didn't! and i'm pleased, coz even though i so wanted to do more than lie in his arms and kiss him, i don't think i'm ready yet...
and not that i'm not ready to have sex with him, no i'm ready for that, have been for weeks, no i'm not ready for what it means, which seems to unspoken between us and probably because we work together (which of course we are now in complete agreement about: we will simply have to lie if we are asked at work, and he needs to find another job!), but he knows that i won't simply have a casual sexual relationship with him, so if we do 'move' that one step more, then it will signify something...of course, it will signify the one thing he's not ready for, which is a relationship.....and i think i'm ready for the relationship thing, what i'm not ready for is to sleep with him, and then he changes his mind and i'm heart broken and have to face him at work...nope, definitely not ready for that!
and we didn't really get around to talking about that, but i did manage to ask if he was still in love with the ex, he categorically states not, and even suggested i talk to his best friend if i didn't believe him...which of course i did...interesting too that he told me that of course he and the best friend have talked about me...best friend likes me but thinks FC should stay clear coz he's not ready to be in a relationship...hmmm, not sure i know how i feel about that? of course FC's response to this is 'i don't always do what W suggests'....
sooo the highlights of last night/this morning: had a lovely time at pub, he instigated snogging on the way home, there was a lot of physical contact, there was a lot of him complimenting me, and telling me he likes me (this is just so unusual for him, it was nice to see him let himself just 'go with things'), the sleeping together was kinda nice (even though i didn't sleep much, never do first time i spend the night at someones....), and then this morning, lots of nice chat, him asking me how i was, making me tea in bed, and just hanging out lazing around for hours....he then got up, i stayed in bed and slept for another coupla hours....i finally got up, we had more tea, cuddled on couch, then he dropped me home....and as i sometimes do (although this could be my shit) i felt something change as we neared my place and the time to say good bye approached...
and maybe it was my crazy shit and my hope for some romantic gesture or other, of maybe (and this is most likely the case) we were both tired and very hungover, but it just didn't feel the same as the rest of the time we spent together...of course, it could also be the very thing i'm afraid of! namely, that he had such a lovely time and is now freaking out - he did this last week after we were spotted....
so i get around to sending him a text an hour or so after he drops me off, and of course, there has been nothing, and i find myself wondering WTF, although it's probably nothing.....
and herein lies the problem that is me, and my fucked up dysfunctional relationships and how crazy i get....you'd think i'd be able to focus on the most amazingly lovely 24 hours, rather than the clunky goodbye? but no, i'm fixated on that....which is probably (at least I hope) nothing...
so now i'm going to have to find a way to sit with this discomfort, and it is MAJOR discomfort (thank goodness i only slept with him, rather than *slept* with him...otherwise fuck knows how i'd be feeling)....
so the lesson here is really how i do the in between times? and i haven't been to bad at that lately, but staying over does seem like a very big *leap* in our relationship, especially when it was only Thursday night that he emailed saying he's still not sure he wants to be in a relationship, and that's kind of what i felt when i left...not like he wanted to get rid of me, not at all, but like he had retreated a bit....
and maybe he has.....but the question for me to really ponder is: what has that got to do with me? probably nothing....
this from the man who complimented me all night, and this morning, in fact as i rolled over to say good morning to him when we woke up he said to me 'hi, well don't you look quite pretty first thing in the morning'....
yep, this has NOTHING to do with me....what i need to really consider, is how much time i want to invest in this before i am convinced one way or the other?
right now, not sure!
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