i feel fobbed off, and sure in this instance it's probably absolutely nothing, but in my vulnerable and sad state, it's how i feel...
so after his text message on thursday night saying he'd had a chat to the guy at work who sent him the text message asking if he was nailing me (not my words obviously!)...i finally get curious...
or is that really true? is it more than i was sitting here feeling sad and missing him like crazy and i wanted to reach out, well maybe it's a bit of both, and like almost every other time when i have done this (with him anyway, bar one time that comes to mind), i feel like he's dismissed me...
and sure, maybe he doesn't want a reminder of what he's left behind, maybe he doesn't actually want to talk to me since i've asked for space and time, or maybe he just really was busy...but i feel completely fobbed off...
and sure he says it's not a text conversation - which is pretty funny really as almost the entirety of our relationship when not together was done by text, never phone (he hates the phone - well sometimes the phone, but more often than not text or face to face, although by his own admission, he's not a good talker until he's had a few beers...)
yep, there's some signs for me here, i'm just too sad and wrapped up in my hopes to see them...
my hopes...yes, and as i type that i wonder exactly what they are? right now, i just hope to wake up and feel some sense of being Sarah and perhaps that this overwhelming sadness will disappear...
my hopes that, despite some of the very real concerns and signs, that he does the work and he comes back...of course even as i type that i wonder if it is what i want...sure, right now it feels like it is, but it's only been a week, and i miss him, so i'm still possibly in shock, but really? even he said that on my shopping list for the perfect man i should include someone who deals well with emotions...and yes, that definitely has to be on there...
so why is it then, that even though there are some things about FC that don't fit with my so called ideal man, i still like him and thought there could be something there? and now we are at the very pointy end of this discussion with self...
hmmm, deep breath: is it because i still don't believe i'm worth it? i was thinking back to the time before Ben and i got together and how sad/lonely i was feeling - i won't say desperate, as i don't really see myself as desperate (as evidenced by the fact that i have never been one of those girls who is always *out there* looking for a man), i am however a romantic and someone who believes in love and hopes that one day i will meet someone who wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them, that one day i will meet my soul mate and that i will fall in love again....yep, so perhaps i'm a dreamer and a romantic, but desperate no...however i digress...coz not long before FC showed an interest in me, i was feeling a similar way (namely lonely)...
so, i wonder if this is a pattern and one of the learning's that FC has been sent to teach me...? could it be?
and as i'm typing this i stupidly go and check out what song he's posted today only to see a photo of the completed renovations - what a complete mind fuck that is...i feel so excluded from his life now, and sure, i never felt as included as i would have liked to have been, but now i feel so much on the outside....it sucks and i'm really sad, and even though i said i wouldn't question myself and he has asked me not to (meaning this whole thing is really all about him and his issues), well how can i help it?
i feel like if he liked me enough, maybe he would try, maybe he would sort out his shit, maybe he would be willing to take a risk...so maybe, he just doesn't like me enough? and that just makes me feel sad and worthless...and of course i have a fear (yes, it's a fear) that he's going to be able to put what happened between us and me behind him much more quickly than me, and it won't be long until i hear that he's met someone....and sure, i have no evidence to support this, but it seems i'm always the one left behind - how does this continue to happen?
i was hopeful that Bec was right - she said after our session last night i shouldn't feel the despair of the last week or so, but tonight (and sure, texting him was probably not a sound idea) i just feel so very sad....to think that this time 2 weeks ago we spent simply the nicest evening together, and now, nothing.....
i'm so not coping....i don't know what to do, and sure, each time a relationship ends i feel this way, and each time, i get through, but this feels different somehow, similar too, but different....
so universe, if you are listening, please please please help me be ok soon, i don't want to feel this sad.....
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