for how much his behaviour of the last day or so has hurt me...
and my meltdowns of earlier in the week, well, yes, i guess they were a heralding of what was to come....and sure, i knowingly let myself go down this path with him, but honestly, i was really hoping for something different...
so, he essentially forgets that we have plans yesterday, i finally text him at 3.30pm to ask him what time he's picking me up...he says 'you're expecting me?'...yep, imagine how that felt...he comes to get me, when he does i ask if i'm staying, he says 'if you want to', so i pack my things (perhaps shouldn't have but of course i don't have a crystal ball now do i?), we go back to his, meet his mate, get a cab to pub and watch rugby...he seems a bit tense initially (how familiar is this sounding) but as soon as he's had a few, he loosens up - hugs me in public, quite considerate, the usual...cuddles me in cab back to his pub, we kiss etc, then the very milli second we are back at his, he ignores me...no goodnight, no hugging in bed, nothing....
this morning i just know he keeps rolling over to go back to sleep to avoid talking to me - i eventually ask him what's going on and his response is 'not talking' and he hides under the doona like a child....
he gets up, leaves me in bed, i stew for a while, meet him in lounge, tell him we need to deal with this like adults, and eventually he says 'seems like we are in a relationship and i don't want to be'....
as if i hadn't worked that out? and only 2 days after sleeping with him, yep, just simply awesome timing, but you know, that isn't the worst of it, no it's the absolute sheer disregard for me or my feelings, the rudeness and callousness with which he behaved towards me last night and the complete and utter inability to even think that a) he's done something wrong or b) that i might be hurt...
so i am hurt, i'm angry, i'm disappointed, i'm somewhat saddened that i have (having made some very unsatisfactory first impressions of this man) allowed myself to get hurt by him a 2nd time...
and sure, it's been fun (for the most part) getting to know him, letting him get to know me, we've had a lot of fun, there's been a lot of learning for me, there's been plenty of uncertainty too and ultimately i think that's because i knew that today would eventually come, that eventually, this man, who i really wanted to give things a shot with, would have the courage to want to be with me, and get over whatever notion he had of 'not wanting to be in a relationship', and quite frankly, only a couple of weeks ago this same man couldn't bear to not see me every night, and now we are here?
incredulous really although of course i'm not surprised by where we have ended up, and yes i'm glad that this happened now rather than in say another 2 or 3 months when i may well have fallen in love with him...
but seriously, i am so not happy....it's hard for me not to wonder what it is about me that has made him make this decision, but there is an ever growing part of me that knows it has NOTHING to do with me...this is about him
and whilst i'm on the topic of him, there are and were always some VERY big concerns...not the least of which is his drinking - so one thing i noticed last night was just how trashed he allowed himself to get - this is not the behaviour of a happy, well adjusted, 38 year old man...and this morning, after he's announced to me that he isn't where he wants to be, he starts using the childish voice he sometimes used when we were together (that just smacked of being with Ben, and i know that isn't something i want in my relationship)...
so yes i'm sad, and i'm hurt, i'm very very hurt, and i'm disappointed, but i think ultimately, the loser in this scenario is him...i don't think he is someone who wants the sort of relationship i want, i don't think he has the emotional maturity or awareness to be in an adult/equal relationship, and sure, maybe i'm just saying this to make myself feel better (it's not really working, for the record), but i actually think it's true, and then there's the selfishness, the smoking, the lack of interest in discussing feelings...yep, all of these were surely not going to be things i could just simply overlook?
no, probably not, and yet i found myself willing to do that...guess there were many things about him i liked, but when i reflect on them, they pretty much all came down to 'doing'....and so whilst his acts of service for me (even today, after the conversation, he dropped me home and spent 3 hours downloading something i wanted) were lovely and i did appreciate them, i think i am clear now that i want to be with someone who can also provide some emotional support, and sure, i am learning that you can't have everything in a relationship, but some modicum of it, is surely not an unrealistic expectation?
ok, well, rant over, i'm tired, i've cried enough for one afternoon so now i'm going to make tea, grab heat pack and place myself on couch in front of tv for some mind numbing entertainment...
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