yep, i am! so this needs to be top of the list when next i see Sallyanne, as i have a tendency to a) read something into nothing and b) take things WAY too personally...and sure, she will say, as she always does, that this will have, at some point previously, served me, protected me etc etc, and i'm inclined to agree, but now all it does is derail me and stop me from being able to bask in the glow of something that was actually really bloody nice
and that's what yesterday was, and this morning...without a doubt it was the NICEST time that FC and I have spent together, and there have been plenty of lovely times before this, but it does probably take the cake...
had a long chat to Leah before and she said to me (i love that she can be so matter of fact sometimes...) that 'alcohol is just no good for you, makes you get down on yourself and make up bad stories that make you feel like crap', or something like that, i've probably paraphrased...but you know what? she is right...she also mentioned that i seem to drink a lot when i'm with FC, and i guess i do, well a lot more than usual and also a lot...and this is something about him that concerns me...that, and the smoking!
and sure i can chalk it up to his being english (meaning the pub scene is standard for a lot of english people), and sure he can suggest that he doesn't usually drink that much but he's in the post breakup phase (pretty sure it's been 9 months now...) but still i have a nagging doubt about it...and no, i don't think for one minute he's an alcoholic, but what i have experienced is at times, a radical change in his behaviour when he's been drinking and sadly, the person he becomes is freer, follows his heart more, and looser with what he says...all of which is good, except then he seems colder and more withdrawn when sobered up...and i find the seesawing does my head in - and i know, that's not his shit, nope, it's definitely mine, but it affects me...
perhaps the trick is to work out how to let it affect me less? god knows, if we are to be in a relationship then i'm going to have to find a way to not let it get to me as much as it does now....and even if i don't end up in a relationship with him, this is still something i need to work through...
yep, it seems like the next thing i need to confront and conquer...
oh, and for the record, spending the night with him, and waking up with him today, was simply lovely...yep, i'm definitely in like with him...
i'm not, on the other hand, in favour of the most recent name he has given me in his phone - which of course i can't repeat here, but suffice to say I much preferred Princess Sarah...:( and sure i know he's done it to protect us from prying at work (given the scare that was Friday night), but still, i don't like it!
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