yep, so it seems i am getting used to (slowly) not having him in my life in the way he was, and seems that i am getting better at no contact, although that went out the window earlier on tonight, but of course he's doing his not respond thing, which frankly just annoys me, especially when he said that i didn't respond to him at times...he really doesn't understand how his behaviour is received nor the impact his silence has (and sure, some of that is my stuff, but still...and then the hide to actually suggest i do it...), and sure he's mentioned that he doesn't understand himself or the way he behaves, but i think it's a lame excuse for someone who is 38 going on 39...
last night i really did feel dismantled, upset, missing him terribly, and probably because something happened at work that normally we would have talked about, and we sort of touched on it during a very short meeting, but still, usually we would have had a lengthy chat about it....and i missed talking to him about it
but then of course, whilst he's out drinking, he texts me and a lengthy conversation ensues (see last night's post) and honestly even though i thought about not responding (only because i am really trying to work out what is best for me and how best i can move forward), i did, and i have to admit that in some way i felt better...
and yes, dinner with 'G' and 'Deeks' certainly had helped my mood shift, but i guess a little reassurance that his decision is nothing to do with me, well i guess it helped...
i slept well, woke up feeling happy and light for the first time since it happened (and it's only been 11 days, which doesn't actually seem that long), and consequently had a really good day at work....and then, as the day approached it's close and i realised that i wouldn't see him for a couple of days (which should be good right? not exactly like seeing him at work is a great experience - it's still very clunky, both of us unsure how to behave - that was essentially gist of his texts last night) i felt my mood suddenly sink...
it's been interesting to observe my mood today and to remember how good it feels to actually be happy! the day went quicker, i felt much more myself, didn't feel like i had to 'hide' which is an interesting observation as i have very much felt like i have had to hide since we broke up...and i hadn't realised just how much of an impact that has on me...
hmmm, and funny coz as i think about how i've been feeling, the impact of hiding seems not dissimilar to the impact of not being seen (and of course, essentially they are the same, except one is self imposed and one isn't)...
yes, very interesting!
anyway, another week is over which means i have gotten through 2 weeks at work post it all falling apart, and if i'm honest, i wasn't sure how on earth i would do that...and it has been difficult, in fact, it has been one of the most difficult things i've had to do....
i digress! this post was intended to be me capturing my hopes with FC, so that at some point, i can let them go...and that is going to have to be soon as otherwise continuing to hold onto them is just going to stop me from being able to move on....
so, the hopes i had with FC (and this is pretty hard for me to write so bear with me):
- i hoped that things would continue to move in the direction they had been moving in
- i hoped that we would end up in a relationship based on friendship, especially since we had spent a lot of time getting to know each other
- i hoped that he would leave work so we could have a relationship that we didn't have to hide
- i hoped that when he said 'work through it, we'll end up married or i'll be your best friend', that maybe we would end up married
- i hoped that one day we might move to NYC together
- i hoped that before i went to NYC in October things would be really good between us and that perhaps he might surprise me by just turning up there
- i hoped that i would find myself in a grown up relationship with someone i really thought there could be potential with (i still do, although the more he continues to do the very thing he said he didn't get when i do it, ie the not responding, the more it's going to be easy for me to simply become very angry and lose interest in him)
- i hoped that maybe he would be able to work through his issues so that we could be together
- i hoped that in time he would stop 'moving away' every time he had moved towards, especially when i reflect on just how difficult that was for me
- i hoped that we might continue to challenge each other to be better, and to grow
i invested so much time in this relationship, in getting to know him, in trying to understand myself more, in trying out new things, in being vulnerable, in going with the flow, in being brave....and i really don't want to end up regretting it or thinking i should have walked away, although when it really hurts, it's easy for me to wish that i had...
walked away that is, as really, even though i had such hopes for what might be with FC and me, i knew that it wouldn't work out how i wanted it to...
and really, whilst i don't want to say i should have seen it coming, or i should have been more circumspect, reality is, i liked (like actually) him, i wanted to see where it could go, i wanted to see if the 'potential' i could see, could actually be something real...
despite all of the signs that perhaps i should have paid more attention to...yes, so i'm responsible too for letting it go so long, but who can blame me for following my heart? i always do it seems, and i don't want to lose that part of myself, but right now, it's not feeling like it has served me....
funny that one of the things he 'loves' about me is that i am 'broken but loving and willing to try'...he's right about that, but i think that in being with him, no matter how painful it all feels right now, i am actually less broken...even though right now, i still feel very raw...
so, next step: find a ritual way of letting go of the hopes....
sad sad sad
nite x
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