so the 'chat'...

didn't happen, and i don't necessarily see that as a bad thing, but of course, now i am still 'obsessing' about how it is going to go...

that said, we had a simply LOVELY evening together and really, if he does decide to walk away, then i will be not only disappointed but pretty cranky...

and sure, we are certainly not in the same 'heady' or 'intense' place that we were this time last week (namely, him wanting to see me every day, claims of missing me when i wasn't at his, statements of disappointment when i wasn't around etc) but still, he came over, was very cutesy and frankly, adorable, so this is surely not the behaviour of someone who's not happy? or who doesn't want to be more than friends?

it just can't be, and as you can clearly see, i am obsessing and i feel unsure, and i HATE that....i hate that i am finding it so hard to just 'be' right now, and seemingly finding it impossible to just to be in the moment (although i did a GREAT job of that last night with him, and we did, have a truly lovely evening)....

in the back of my mind are the feelings of 'i'm not good enough', 'he won't like me enough to take the risk that is work', 'he'll walk away even though he has behaved as though he wants a lot more than friends'...oh god, please let it stop

surely i have come far enough to have found a way to keep some of those negative, and frankly, hideously destructive comments at bay? nah! would appear that i haven't managed that entirely...

and previous posts have referred to my 'sense' of impending doom or a 'moving away' by him, and sure, he's no longer seeming to do the 'nite xx' that was every night last week, but otherwise i'm trying to assess if there is any 'real' difference or whether it's all some construction of a fearful mind?

and honestly, i'm not sure...one thing i have realised, having read back through my posts and seen how things between FC and I have developed, is that i have 'often' been wrong when i have sensed him moving away...yep, i've been wrong! and sure, this current 'thinking' that he doesn't want to continue or pursue things with me, well that will be old Sarah thinking...fait accompli type thinking of someone who doesn't believe in herself....and yet, she seems to be taking up an awful lot of my thinking time right now...

and really? she is NOT welcome! no, she really isn't...and yet, she is here, and very very present and very very noisy! dominating some might say...

aarrgghh, so upshot is this: i am really struggling with the roller coaster of emotions today....and i shouldn't make that all about me, i think he has definitely had some sort of a freak out, resulting in a shift this week...and perhaps i just need to focus on me (yes, of course!) and my life and give him the space he needs to work out what it is he wants...

seems this 'approach' worked well previously! you know, when i agreed to 'be friends and see where it goes'...and i did! i have NO idea how i did that, as it's something i've never managed to pull off previously so i need to just stay here and be Sarah, and *hope* that realises just how great i am and how *lovely* what we have is, and that it *could* be much much more...

yep, so chat is postponed to Sunday and i'm a mess! so tennis for me and then Offspring, possibly Erica and I hope by the time i crawl into bed, my equanimity has returned...

nite x