the voice...

and i'm not talking about reality tv, no i'm talking about my voice...seems it is getting stronger with each passing day...

so re Chris, i told him in no uncertain terms this morning after a very suggestive text that i would not go down that path with him again and that i thought it only fair he tell me his motives for getting in touch - he insisted it was 'to say hello'...

hmmm, we'll see! i'm not sure he is someone who is even remotely trust worthy and add to that the obvious attraction between us that's existed for over 30 years now (fuck, that makes me sound very old!), well, i doubt his motives are that innocent...a so called happily married man, who won't be seen having lunch with me, yeah, innocent my arse....so we'll see if i end up catching up with him next week or not

right now, jury's out! i think it might be good to meet up, and talk as adults and by this i mean me, as last time he turned up i was very vulnerable and still very much running a fantasy about him...now of course, it's only days since FC and I decided to call it quits and so i'm vulnerable again, but not in the same way...and of course, FC and things with FC have allowed me to develop a much stronger voice..

funny, for someone who actually has a strong voice, it seems somewhat ironic to me that my voice in relationships has been so quiet, so subdued, and at times, non existent...

seems i found my voice with FC today (and i so wish i could refer to him by his real name now - FC no longer is how i think of him although all my friends call him that) too...i had a very tough day at work, not aided by having a very good 1:1 sesh with him to work through something, one where it was so obvious to us both how well we get on and how much potential there is there...and then we had a meeting later in the day and by then i could hardly keep the tears at bay, sitting next to him just nearly broke my heart....

obviously concerned he texts me tonight to ask how i am and after a few msgs back and forth where he tells me he knows i'm upset, he is too, that he misses me, that it's difficult to see me at work and how much potential he sees between us which only makes him beat himself up, i tell him that i need some space - after all it's only been 3 days and he needs to work out what he wants and i need to be able to move forward...and you know, it was so hard for me to do that, as i have always made myself available to him, but i think now is the time to pull back, to move away - how else is he EVER going to work out how much he misses me and if he wants something more?

so, it's done and i feel strangely ok...and sure it'll come and go, the feelings of sadness and missing him, but it will get easier...surely, it'll get easier...

anyway, point of the post was really this: seems Sarah has found her voice...yay!