overwhelmingly sad...

is the only way i can describe how i feel right now...

it was a monumental effort to go to work after my 4am meltdown, not assisted by finding an email from him this morning saying basically that we need to have the talk, he's been enjoying things, it's been very nice, but he's conflicted and confused, we should chat before things get somewhere that means we wouldn't be ok with each other, that we haven't dealt with the 2 issues that have always been there (work and him not wanting to be in a relationship), that he likes me a lot, unexpectedly and that he has no idea what to do....

of course i am assuming it's all lost, and this is because i think i need to think like that, or i am going to end up hurt for a 3rd time (right now is already the 2nd time) and i just don't have much left....

i think of myself as a resilient person mostly, but right now i'm not sure sure...i'm sad, i'm disappointed, i wish that so many things could be different and i'm struggling...

disappointed that he moved things in the direction he did (and sure i reciprocated) without thinking through either the 'i don't want to be in a relationship' or the 'work' thing? surely, he is not so naive to think that spending so much time together and him 'pursuing' me would mean that i still thought he only wanted to be friends?

and i'm sad because even though i don't know him well enough yet to know if he is someone i could be with, i think there is something there, and i would like to be able to explore that without the pressure of work or the so called bad timing

i'm a bit over him rolling out the 'it hasn't been that long since i came out of a long term relationship' card...not when he has seemed very happy to effectively 'be in' a relationship with me bar some critical elements and when after only a few weeks of doing the 'friends' thing, he pursued me....not fair, really, it's just not fair

and it's not like i want a commitment from him but i'd like to be able to see if there could be anything between us, but i just don't he's ready.....

and whilst i am writing this i think i need to remind myself of the things i don't like about him, as these are things that i want in a man i'm with and in a relationship and i'm unsure whether he is capable or inclined of delivering them:
 - he so rarely steps out of his own head to ask how i am, and this bugs me
 - if he asks me how i am, and i include some reference to an emotion, he essentially ignores it and suggests practical things (this may be a bloke thing, but i hate it)
 - the fact that i think there are essentially 2 FC's, one when he's sober and one when he's drinking and sadly, i think i like the one who drinks more than the other (not always, and that may seem harsh) but the drinking FC is more expressive, throws caution to the wind a bit, seems a little bit more in touch with his emotions, and mine....and says things that he either forgets or regrets (not sure which, that is a topic of conversation for tomorrow)

so, onto tomorrow...i really need to work out what it is that i want to say (and i realise this post has now spanned 2 days as i didn't have the energy to complete it last night, which was friday) to him...

what comes to mind is this:

work: yes i agree it's an issue, so we need a solution then we might have a chance to see if we could be something together

timing: fuck the timing! we met when we did and we can't change that, your behaviour of late says more to me than the words 'i'm not ready' so either take a risk or walk away until you know what you want

texting when drunk: simply not fair, as an example, last night he suggested we move to NY together to get away from the shit here, all this from the man who only a night before sent me an email with the 'it's too soon for me to be in a relationship' line....

and sure he says he's conflicted and confused and likes me a lot, unexpectedly and i appreciate all that, but don't mess me around...

i have no idea how i say all of this eloquently and without giving the impression of an ultimatum, which is not really my style...but seriously, something's gotta give

and still i'm sad....when all is said and done i actually think that there could be something with this man, and i'd love to have all the planets line up so we could give it a go....

but, right now, it seems we are so far away from that...

another hiccup last night when a mutual colleague of ours asked him 'are you nailing Sarah?'...charming! turns out a colleague of his has been reading his text messages....so now, not only have we been seen, but there are a handful of people probably talking about us...the only positive i see in all of this is it made FC very angry (which i hope will spur him on to look more seriously for another job) and he said 'i don't like it - this is exactly the sort of crap i don't want and it's not conducive to things being good'...i guess i read that as he wants things to be able to be good between us, but right now can't see how...

encouraging! and yes i'm still sad...

and sure, maybe i've created some of that heart break for myself, coz when he said 'let's be friends and see where it goes' i really only tried it on because i wanted something to happen...and sure, in the course of getting to know him i may have found out things about him that i don't like (true, this has happened) but mostly, it's made me like him even more....

so, i'm sad....perhaps not so overwhelmingly as when i started writing, but sad all the same...