caught out...

yep, so a work colleague saw us at the pub together tonight....fuck!

not good, really not good...thought we had a reasonable story ready to go until we think he saw us hugging and kissing..... shit, really don't need that.....

that aside a good learning for me today.....I had one of my Sarah feelings this morning, something in a text message that made me think all was not well....so when I turned up after class, it really didn't feel ok, meaning I really didn't feel as though he wanted me there....tried to talk to him unsuccessfully, left me wondering why I'd bothered

determined not to go to pub with him, picked up his friend (same friend from the farewell Thursday, nice bloke)  and dropped them at pub, he asked if I was coming in for a drink....i said i'd have one although i was still not feeling good about it

he finally warmed up and later on i was still wondering if long term, if there is to be a longer term, whether this would be an issue for me, or perhaps i've read WAY too much into it, and he was simply tired, hungover and busy (all of these are true and i am shite when tired!) so a bit in his head (after all, he's a much stronger 'i' than me)...?

i feel like there are two very distinct sides to him, one sober and one drinking, and sure that's not entirely fair as we have had some lovely times when he's been sober), he asked me to stay, came up with a plan to drive my car back tomorrow but I wasn't keen to miss the Blues game (not sure why, they were woeful)....so left he walked me to car, we chatted, planned tomorrow, he asked if we were doing tv shows and dinner as well as shopping, we hugged and kissed and just might have been spotted by someone we work with.....fuck!

of course, that became it's own spin out....he's handled it very well! asking me not to over complicate whatever response i give to my boss if the person who saw us tells her...i think there's a fair chance he will, on the other hand, people some times surprise me in a nice way, and he might keep quiet! please please please let that be true....

anyway other than being caught out, today's 'lesson' with FC has been a good one and one i really want to remember....just because he was quiet and at times not even remotely effusive, it almost certainly had nothing to do with me, but my entire life and especially in relationships, I have assumed responsibility for the entirety of the space and I find it so difficult to just 'sit' with that sort of discomfort.....i tried to talk to him, he didn't really want to....previously i would have made such a song and dance about it, it would have led to the Sarah sabotage - and we do NOT want that to happen with FC...no, we really don't, coz i am madly in like with him....

so when i finally said goodnight to him i felt deliriously happy....and funnily enough having 'planted the seed' that if he wanted to see me later he could get in a cab and come over bridge, i woke up to find a text message asking me if it was too late....i am getting through to him, slowly, and it's so nice to actually enjoying getting to know each other, hanging out, building a friendship so that there is SO much more to it than a desire to shag each other (and sure, that is there...)...refreshing! haven't really done this before, so no wonder i occasionally find myself thinking about him and how i feel about him and i get overcome with butterflies....oh yes, i am so so so in like with FC

trick now is to remember what happened yesterday morning (for me) and then remember what happened afterwards (for us) and not let the old and frankly, dysfunctional patterns run this one...so all's well that ends well and I have a whole day with him to look forward to tomorrow.....yay :-)