grief....

is such a strange phenomenon, individual too....meaning that it is so very different for each and every one of us...

Sal reminded me today, when i told her that my mood was all over the place (which of course i know) that i am grieving, and typically, grief (at least for me) is rather complicated (that's actually a technical term, namely complicated grief, which essentially means the current grief isn't limited to just the current loss...long story, but hopefully you get what i mean)....

for me, right now, it certainly is complicated...not only am i dealing with missing FC (in that he had become a part of my daily life), but i'm feeling a bit hopeless with the rug being pulled out from under me as it relates to some of the dreams/hopes i had for him, for us, and then of course, there is the grief that relates to all the relationship endings before this one...yes, as a lot of those were unresolved, or at least, not analysed like things are now, well, in some way, each and every ending, is a reminder of all the previous ones...

but mostly, i am sad because even though FC has repeatedly told me that it's nothing to do with me or how loving, caring, generous, wonderful etc i am, a part of me (the younger me, the me that is struggling with his decision) doesn't believe him and i find myself wondering if i will EVER meet someone who wants to be with me as much as i want to be with them?

i so badly want to share my life with someone, and it seems every step closer, eventually results in ending up back at square one...and i am tired of not getting what i want :-( and sure, maybe i'm doing something wrong, maybe i am still falling for the wrong types of men (this wouldn't surprise me, see earlier post about my antenna!)....yep, emotionally unavailable ones....

so, if anyone knows how to reset the antenna, then feel free to let me know! and what makes this all the more difficult is knowing i have to see him and work with him...yep, really shoulda thought that through more thoroughly...this whole 'throwing caution to the wind' that i do, well, in this instance, doesn't appear to have served me so well....as i am certain that if we didn't work together, getting over him would be so much easier...

oh well! it's saturday night, it's only just clicked past 8.30pm but i think that my welcoming bed is probably the only place where i will feel happier....

nite x